Ridiculous PnP stories
Battlehamster
Member Posts: 298
in Off-Topic
I'll start with a story my friend recently shared...
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Mine:
I was playing PnP with my friend, who is a completely new player. He had gained a very basic understanding of how to play and I was teaching him about Special Attacks. I was explaining sunder by having an enemy fighter use it in a really railroaded encounter(I was teaching him from scratch how else would you do it?). The plan was for him to fight off some pathetically weak rogues then finish off their big, bad, fighter at the end by sundering his weapon.
He had killed all the rogues and had engaged the fighter when I declared the fighters sunder. I started the sunder explanation. The enemy fighter rolled a natural 20(the ONLY way he could hit with a sunder for this fight. I was being nice) for his attack and broke my friends sword. My friend promptly starts running away. He gets away from the fighter by out running him and succeeding in a hide check.
So, here's my friend weaponless, against an angry fighter who is currently looking for him. He had some stuff in his backpack that he could use. Stuff like, rope and grappling hook, knife(I don't know why he didn't just buy a dagger but who cares), polished mirror, 10 foot pole, you know standard low level stuff that every new player takes. I figure that I could explain improvised weapons to him and did just that. What I expected him to do was use the knife or 10 foot pole or even a chair that I put in the encounter room.
You want to know what he said he wanted to do?
He asked if he could cut off one of the rogues limbs and use it as a weapon.
Then the Myconid DM said. "WAT?"
I was at a complete loss, I could have never of predicted that. What the hell was I going to do? In a panic I just started making up some rules on the spot. (Make a strength check to cut off the limb with his knife and a fort check to not become sickened) I somehow managed to play that as if they were legit rules.
My friend makes both saves for the amputation process and was now proudly brandishing a frightening new rogue arm. I treated it like a medium improvised weapon(1d4) and my friend then finds, and charges the fighter with the arm screaming I am the delimbing avenger!. I secretly roll an intimidate check for my friend and he succeeds sending the fighter in to a frightened state. He then chases the fighter around the house beating him with his henchman's arm until the poor guy finally croaks.
It gets better. My friend then puts the arm in his backpack(yes you read that right, HE PUTS THE ARM IN HIS BACKPACK FOR LATER USE!) and leaves as if nothing happened. I decided to have some fun with this and on his way back into the nearby town I had a guard stop him, and check his belongings claiming that there was smuggling going on in the town, and that all material entering the town is being searched (airport security YAY!) He opens my friend backpack and I put on my best deadpan voice "Why do you have an arm in your backpack?". I just look at him. He rolls a bluff and give his explanation as "It's for a friend.". He failed. Miserably. I didn't care what he rolled, no one in the world would ever believe that. He spends the night in the town jail, awaiting interrogation. As the interrogation starts my friend manages to escape and runs off into the nearby forest.
The best part? He was playing a Neutral Good ranger.
*edit* forgot a word
here are a couple of mine:
so one time we had a bunch of friends over playing ( I believe we had a team of 4, and we were around 7th level) and we are all having fun having a good time, but for the years that we have played dnd ( 3.0/3.5 edition) we have had some hardcore ADHD, and we get distracted so easily, so I think we were going through some mountain ranges or some such, to a troll lair/goblin lair or something, and then one person in the group gets us distracted with something non dnd related and off task we go, and this goes on for minutes ( probably even a dozen or so) and now our DM is trying to get our attention to get back on track but everyone is ADHD-ing it up, and then finally in the whackiest voice I have ever heard in my life period, our DM says "you have come to the hills" and just the way he said it, I lost it, and best part was, at that point in time my mouth was filled with sprite pop, so he says that, I start laughing hysterically and sprite goes all over the dice, good times
2nd moment- this may have been the same game, so one of our players was a mage and he was about to cast either lightning bolt or fireball, and he goes to roll damage, so he rolls all 7 dice at once, and then he starts counting it up; 1,2,3,4,5...... whoaaaaaa he said, he rolled 7d6 damage and netted a 7 ( 7, 1s, talk about a yatzee record, infact that is the only time in my life have I ever seen a yatzee with 7 dice) im pretty sure the DM didn't even attempt to make saves for the baddies, he was like; lets see, 7 damage? yeah everyone can fail
The Interrogation:
-I tie him to a chair for irony
Orc: "What you want"
Me: "Why did you capture us?"
Orc: "I no tell you"
Me: I kick down his chair and attempt an intimidate. Fail
Orc: Hahaha that all you have
At this point, we've stabilized him and the Orc is BARELY alive so obviously we can't/won't torture him. So the natural solution to this is to cover him with one of the dead horse corpses in the barn. DM rolls a fort save to see if it sickens him enough to talk. It doesn't. About half a dozen intimidate/bluff/persuade attempts later and a painfully long debate on what to do we are all frustrated and begin to assume we only have to kill him to continue on with the campaign. Clearly, we aren't meant to interrogate this Orc. One of our more eager members is about to kill him when I come up with a last minute plan.
Me: "Talk, or we will make you drink this strange unknown potion we found"
Orc: "NO! NO MAKE ME DRINK POTION!"
Me: "Well, what is this potion anyways?"
Orc: "Er...NO make me drink it!"
Me: "Is this poision?"
Orc: *succeeds bluff* Yes! Me want to live!!!
At this point we assume the potion is a poison. After several more failed persuade attempts we finally gave up and engaged on a lengthy moral debate on whether or not to poison the Orc. We decided that even though it was an Orc, killing something near the end of its life with a poison was inherently evil. Of course, our Rogue was having none of that...He pick-pockets the poison and slips it to the Orc...nothing happens.
Me: What was that anyways?
Orc: *With an obvious pain in his eyes* Truth Serum.
Apparently, the DM had planned on us being interrogated with it, and we weren't supposed to break free for another day or two after we had time to rest and acquire spells. Instead, we bum rushed and in so doing skipped a section of his plot. Oops?
This isn't my story, but good lord is it hilarious.
We were playing Rogue Traders with friends over skype. Our captain of the space ship was trying to get on the good-side of the Inquisition, after we..."accidentally" stumbled upon one of their secret bases on an unknown planet. So as a token of good will, our Captain decided to invite them over and inspect the ship, to make sure that we weren't tainted by the demons.
I played a Void-master, basically the guy who steers. I wasn't insane by any means, but I'd already built up some corruption points, so I wasn't considered "pure" anymore. The inquisitor was also very skeptical of void-masters, as we were born in space and tend to act all mysterious and stuff. So when the inquisitor himself came on to meet the crew, we were trying very hard to keep me out of his presence at every turn.
Of course, knowing me and my dumb luck, the moment I ditched the bridge to make my escape to another part of the bridge... I ran straight into the inquisitor. I'll be honest--I'm very bad at role-playing in a table-top setting. I have trouble coming up with things off the top of my head, figuring out riddles that I can't read on paper (which might also be why I hated listening to books read aloud to me in school, but anyway). Our DM gave me a few moments to figure something out...so I panicked, and blurted the first thing that came to mind:
"Actually, I'm Ivo, the head tech-priest! The guy you want is Lucius, who should still be up on the bridge right now."
Ivo was a character being played by another player, a robotic engineer in charge of keeping the ship running. So...someone who had multitudes of mechanical limbs and technology-knowledge that my character did not have. Our DM rolled the dice. The inquisitor rolled so low, he actually believed me!
So we met up with the captain and headed to the bridge. The poor sap who's now pretending to be me was an NPC character the DM conjured up real quick, my trusty second-in-command. The inquisitor summoned his mind-reading slaves and chained my subordinate up in some really disturbing mind-screwy-magic-stuff, in order to find out if I, Lucius, was clean of demonic taint. I actually had a demonic possession just the other day, so no, I was definitely not clean. But the mind-readers sure as heck didn't care. They didn't even mention that he was an imposter. They confirmed to the inquisitor that I, Lucius, was pure.
Not only did the inquisitor believe them without question, but after all was done, he apparently really liked me. Talked about how I wasn't like most of the other engineers, who preferred to look all scary and mechanical. I was much more personable and easy to talk to. (And of course, I was hiding my "metal arms" under my clothes, to make others feel more comfortable. Of course, of course.)
So for the rest of the encounter, I pretended to be the master engineer of the ship, and the real Ivo, one of our other players, had to pretend to be my second-in-command. My subordinate. Lucius, a character whose greatest skills included driving a spaceship and getting drunk. Snickers were to be had. And whenever we had to contact the same inquisitor again (because we kinda had an alliance with them now), Ivo and I had to switch roles and pull the whole stunt off again.
And this, ladies and gents, is an instance where the dice could either make or break you... In this case, it was a bad roll from the DM that made all of this hilarity possible. XD
But I think my favorite came when I lived in Florida. I used to play at this game store, in the back room, where there was this door which led nowhere. It had used to lead to a storeroom, and the other side had been blocked off by a wall, so if you opened the door, there was just a wall there. Anyhow, we were playing 2e AD&D, and were using the "Death's Door" rule- so if you were reduced to 0 hit points, you were unconscious and bleeding, and lost 1 hp per round, and died when you reached -10. Well, one particular fighter just had no luck, and it seemed like every combat had some point at which he was unconscious and bleeding out. He was sitting with his back to the door. and after seven or so combats, he was once again unconscious. And he reaches up behind him and knocks on the door a few times, calling, in the most cheerful voice, "Mister Death, Mister Death, are you there? It's Me again!"
And everyone at the table, me included, just lost it. We laughed so hard that we could barely breathe. I will always remember the player who became Death's close personal friend!
The stars:
Miga the Sorceress and Bhaalspawn
Gilgamesh the Cleric of Lathander
Alteria the Druid from Cloakwood
Ach'ev the Amnish Rogue.
It was an interesting session for several reasons but problematic in the planning because the player who did Ach'ev was going out of the country for 3-4 months, which meant his character needed to be incapacitated for a while.
They'd just gotten to Candlekeep, catching up with old NPC's and headed then headed straight to the conference room where Reiltar and the others should be (with Miga completely ignoring the various NPC's telling her to check her father's room).
Reiltar dismissed them at first, but they'd saved all the letters they'd found and smacked them on the table, demanding a confession. Reiltar, being a slimy worm, confessed and begged to finished negotiations as he was meeting with emmisaries from mercenary groups (like the Iron Throne) from Amn about refusing to participate in a war between Baldur's Gate and Amn if it came to it (The people he met with in Candlekeep had always been vague to me, so I improvised something reasonably logical).
The party was confused, they had operated on the assumption that he *wanted* a war but in the intrest of peace, they left him to finish the meeting, as long as they were allowed to be present.
This was, of course, a problem. Turning Reiltar over to the guards for an honest trial kind of destroys that part of the plot, since he needs to die for the plot to continue, whether or not the group does it. Fortunately, Miga suddenly remembered the three monks telling her to check her godd- ahem, her father's room, which she went to do. Gilgamesh and Alteria agreed to fetch the First Reader to tell him about everything and get Reiltar arrested. Ach'ev would stay behind and guard the group.
I saw my chance.
I took Miga apart, decribed Gorion's room and handed her the letter he had left her (which she read and immediately burnt, meaning never to tell anyone, which...makes sense I guess).
I took Alteria and Gilgamesh apart and they came across a four Watchers who they sent to aid Ach'ev and guard the room (Gilgamesh also came from Candlekeep and had trained to be a Watcher for a while, so they knew him). The guards pointed them to Ulraunt's room and headed off (getting horribly lost due to bad instructions).
Ach'ev stood guard in the room, being utterly bored during the negotiations. The Watchers came into the room, reported themselves for guard duty and then two smacked an unprepared Ach'ev in the face with their quarterstaves, knocking him unconcious.
When Ach'ev awoke, he was covered in blood and surrounded by the bodies of two dead watchers, a dead Reiltar and Brunos and two dead foreign ambassadors. Miga came back into the room and panicked, quickly helping Ach'ev up.
Moments later, Ulraunt arrived with the guard, arresting the two. Alteria and Gilgamesh were arrested in the halls. Apparently, a bloodsplattered Ach'ev and Miga were seen running down the halls and now a bloodcovered Ach'ev and Miga (due to helping Ach'ev up) were at the scene of the crime.
Excellent frame-ery. Of course, I still needed Ach'ev seperated from the rest. Thankfully, he helped me out.
As soon as Ulraunt accused them of murder, Ach'ev exploded in a tirade of the most awful insults and threats you can image (both the player and character having a bit of a temper). He swore that Ulraunt's head would rest on a pike and that he'd ram Gilgamesh's mace down his neck. And so on.
Ach'ev is now in solitary confinement, the others locked in the brig, ready for Tethtoril to bust them out.
Later on, I'll think up a daring rescue and run that through with him seperately but considering his ridiculously high Escape Artist and stealth skills, even busting out of Candlekeep should be doable for him.
Coming session; Candlekeep catacombs, cutting down friends and family by the score and sneaking into Baldur's Gate.
P is party talking, A is Apathy. Be patient, for tablets are tortuous to type via!
P. Okay, you're the rogue, open the door!
A. I only have 13 str, isnt someone else stronger??
P. ...you're the rogue, open locks, duh?
A. ...I'm not that kind of rogue!
P. FFS, fine! The fighter will bash it, check for traps first!
A. ...
P. You ****ing us!
A. I'M NOT THAT KIND OF ROGUE!
Same character, different time. Major demon comes after us, about to kill us. I told him "wait! Listen to me--I *command* you to kill us, here and now....but if you do then you will admit to *everyone* that you are nothing more than my servant whom I order about at my whim". This confused the DM so in frustration the demon disappeared.
Then there was the time I was running people through the first Ravenloft module, which clearly stated that it was for characters of levels 1 - 5, except that there is an encounter with a werewolf, which requires a magical weapon to hit....only....no one has magical weapons because they are *1st freaking level*. That was when I started making my own adventures and not relying on poorly-designed modules any more.
Marvel Super Heroes. One girl had chosen "force field versus hostiles" as one of her powers. Car full of bad guys coming down the street, shooting at us, so she activates the field. hrm....okay--the car is not hostile and thus it moves through the force field freely. The guys are hostile so they do not go through the force field. They *do*, however, go through the car. Yuck.
That was the same game where my alien character, who got a different random power each turn, wound up wearing a telescoping dildo on his forehead for a short while. Don't ask. He was not from Earth and didn't know any better.
First game we have a party that wanders into a goblin village DM assumes no one can speak goblin, but it turns out the rogue in the group took goblin as an extra language for shits and giggles so he and the goblin chief go off to talk, later the rogue comes back telling everyone that the goblins are friendly and want to serve them cake so they enter the cave the rogue tells them is where the cake is going to be served. Turns out the cake was a lie and a hell portal with demons spewing out ripped them to shreds while the rogue left with an assortment of treasure for the sacrifices he gave the goblin dieties.
You can see how this is a problem for a lvl5 party with an average of 40ish hp for the tanks and less for the rest.
When it utterly crushed the group's frontliner in the first round and nobody could damage it, I said "hold up", rewound time a round and sent in a nerfed version. I checked all monsters' stats from there on out. That thing did not belong in that part of the adventure.
(other than that, fun adventure, recommend it to anyone)
I spent the weekend reminiscing with friends over old D&D games and this story came up, the story of our greatest triumph and greatest failure.
Setting: End of a long campaign, epic level, we'd uncovered an Artifact of Doom and ever since then we'd had demons, devils, cultists and armies after us trying to claim it and killing everyone in their path to get to it so it had to be destroyed.
Location: The party's castle, top floor, which led to an extra dimensional space only we could access that housed our backup loot, various trophies from slain enemies, our giant gold supply and a collection of portals leading to all over the world which we could use for instant travel.
Cleric: Ok, so we put the Necronomicon in the bag of holding, throw it in the portable hole while we're in our extradimensional space. It's like space-ception, it'll cause a massive nuclear explosion but this space is only small and not in the Real World, so the outside world is protected and the book will be destroyed. Our resistances should keep us safe. Go?
Rogue: I keep the Bag of Holding open.
Fighter: I throw down the portable hole.
DM: ....Are you guys sure?
Cleric: It's the only way! I throw the book in the Bag of Holding.
Rogue: I throw the Bag of Holding in the portable hole.
Fighter: I activate my shield of Fire Immunity
DM: Alright then. As soon as the bag disappears in portable hole, the entire room begins to shudder and seconds later, it explodes in a blast unlike you've ever seen. Everyone takes 50d6 fire damage and 50d6 bludgeoning damage. The Necronomicon is certainly destroyed.
Party rolls damage, failsaves vs dying hold and everyone survives.
Party: Woooo! We did it!
DM: When you glance through any of the portals however, you see only a desolate, blackened landscape, scorched by fire and completely devoid of life.
Cleric: Oh shit!
Rogue: The portals!
Fighter: Did...did we just destroy the world?
DM: Most of it, yes.
We had portals to Waterdeep, Baldur's Gate, basicly any civilised place and half a dozen old ruins or magical places too, not to mention the occasional other plane. The blast was reportedly several miles wide and had gone though all of the portals, meaning we'd basicly thrown nukes on most of the continent. Oops?
The plan then was to find a way to get to Labelas Enoreth, elven god of Time and have us be transported back in time to stop ourselves, but alas, the group broke up and it never happened. Faerun was a scorched hellhole, because of us.