[Thriller Action] Dreams in throat

old_jolly2

Hello ,

I just happened to write a short detective action RP , if you are interested. There will be only one character playable , so it was better for chat environment. We can try here , but. The background goes :

A time , you get invited to a high-school comeback party of one of your co-workers , who you met to be graduated from the same , though you did not remember him. He lives in a large residence inside a small wood , not very afar from downtown. As the night continued , you met the girl you liked again after years , after a usual cold chat , she said she will leave for smoking.

As the tense alarm emotion ringing through you , an excitement to fill your life with something , that hanging out with her may be's , the fake atmosphere of smiles cut cold by police sirens sounding closing , and that just stops at the highest volume , and won't pass away. Crowd diverts their attention with you as well , only left for you to find that the woman was killed.

Keeping distraction at bay , policeman did their usual routines as you found some ways to chat with whomever you could find knowlegable about the incident. Asking many times the same questions you do in the great shock you had , filtering those that are made you drive away , you presume it is a knife wound , as a single thrust to the throat.

Relief would not suit you to start over your dreams for another friendship , and you feel you should get involved in this , as the intensity at the back of your brain won't let go , to do a good for all the dreams you had spent about her , with whatever you can do left.

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So , anyone interested to get involved solving this mystery ? Who'll be the "the old time lover" ?

old_jolly2

I'm using this song too often as reference , but for the mood ,

Dreams in throat , OST : Pendulum - Granite ( Album )

old_jolly2

Let me mention you are a generic white-collar worker at a holding's company , so no Hollywood action ,
and there is permafail in here , I will finish the story if you fails... No start-overs...

CrevsDaak

So, no action like Star Wars, no blood like E Allan Poe and no D&D you see.
Sounds fine anyway, mostly in the part that there's a girl tha the mystery is interesting and, well, and we need some Jansening here you know.

LadyRhian

For me, less tell, more show. I find the opening too dry and uninformative. I realize it's supposed to be a recap, but, like Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin, it "leaves me cold". You might have more luck getting players if you write out the stuff you glossed over- like a story. The less you show and the more you just tell, the less involving the story is.

old_jolly2

Well hello after so long time. I just don't know how to do that , i mean show less but tell more. I just remember the ending hype and it was a short play anyways. More like a episode for the Mentalist.

old_jolly2

I will not edit my previous post , as now I see the error I made there. Ok , the correct version can be " I can't show more and tell less right now , as it was a long time ago , I don't remember and don't want to work on the details anymore. Thank you for the advice , nonetheless."