Sir Turnip of the Mighty Sword, Who Did Some Epic Things.

Ward

So it was that Sir Turnip set off to the promised lands of Nashkel, where they say you can hear the spirits of those from the bustling city of Baldur's Gate, who drift south into the countryside searching for the peace they never found in life.

But despite these slightly haunted farmlands, trouble was brewing and Sir Turnip knew just what to do. After the death of his foster father slash rapper G. Orion by the hand of that most dastardly thug 'whose name should not be spoken so we'll call him Pointy Armour Bro', he ventured forth to end the crisis which damaged the land there.

And most importantly, the economy!

Anywho, deep in the mines where kobolds reigned and iron was scarce, a plot was underway in which the metal was tainted and produced no goods, leaving Baldur's Gate to blame the pseudo Middle Eastern city of Amn. Sir Turnip knew he had to unmask the diabolical fiend behind this onslaught of Chinese made.. ER, I mean, composition dispositioned naturally occuring mineral compound known as iron destroyingnessness.

So basicly he spent the next 150+ hours killing people and eventually found the Pointy Armour Bro who happened to be the evil the whole time (did you not guess it my boy?).

Pointy Armour Bro, or less commonly known as Sarevok, had an agenda to become the Lord of Murder, cause his daddy (who was Bhaal, the Lord of Murder), knew some wannabe called Cyric was going to pwn him with some noob sword called Godsbane or something else.

So Bhaal had sexy time with lots of Earth women and Sir Turnip happened to be one of them, so did Sarevok.

Basicly Sir Turnip slayed the evil guy and then settled down with his three wives. But just before he could spread his mortal progeny, he was cockblocked by Jon Irenicus.

So our story goes on some moar.

Bjjorick

if i may make a suggestion? Your story has potential imho, but you break the spirit/mood of your story by using a past like setting (middle ages, time of BG is the closest safe guess, i'd say), but then you use modern day language to tell it,s uch as cockblocked, rapper, noob, etc. To me, your storm would be much more humerous if you used a language more fitting to the time of the setting, as doing otherwise breaks the immersion into the tale, which is the spell that a writer casts over the reader to compel him/her to read it to the finish.

I enjoy writing a great deal, and this just my opinion. If others enjoy it more, i'm happy, but as i said, i just think your story would be more enjoyable with a more fitting mood/writing style, while still retaining the humor you presented.

Ward

I used today's colloquial words in order to represent the time and place in the eyes of the player, he who plays this game in his own period which is entirely contrary to the heroics and deeds. He sees the heroics and deeds in other ways because of the time he comes from. The humour comes from his view on the heroics and deeds.

If I didn't repreent that it'd have no humour. The jokes and batman references and talks of economy are all modern.

But I wasn't trying write a story to immerse anyone, it wasn't meant to be anything cept what it is.

Bjjorick

as i said, i truly meant/mean no offense, and i know my opinion wasn't asked. i guess i can't help being critical at times, since i'm very critical of myself.

other then the points i mentioned though, i really found it quite enjoyable. sorry if i'm overly picky.

Ward

I'm not offended, cause I'm not a writer. I just use my own wit, self righteous and unjustified sense of humour to make YOU laugh. I did this out of selflessness and you come in here with your pen and paper and tell ME how to be funny!?

If you didn't realize I'm being funny now.

If you laughed then I win.

Malbortus

I thought the contrast between the medieval setting and the modern language added to the humour.

Sometimes colloquial speech is even required for immersion. When you DM a table-top game and the heroes walk in on some bad guy, the bad guy usually places some choice words, exposing his plot and whatnot. Well written as those words may be, they're often so over the top that they kill immersion. Converting the message to colloquial speech flows much more naturally in those cases.

Ward

I felt it was good but it was rushed towards the end.

Oh wait that's HoTU, sorry.

purebredcorn

Ward said:

So Bhaal had sexy time with lots of Earth women and Sir Turnip happened to be one of them, so did Sarevok.

Wait... I'm confused.

Bjjorick

@purebredcorn hehe, you gave me a good laugh pointing that out

Lemernis

@Ward

Dude. (That was great.)

Rajick

funny funny ha ha