The Untold Story of Drizzt Do'Urden's Lazy, Untalented Cousin

Drizzts_Fat_Cousin

Hello there chaps. I'm sure you've all heard of that famous Drow Drizzt. But do you know what it's like living under his shadow all these years. Hmm!? I'm a 5'4 550 lb. drow. Proficient in only quarterstaves. I was spoiled by my matron mother, then when young adulthood hit, the problems began. I failed to excel at the both 'the books of the majors and the lust chambers', and was subsequently sent to the torture room to be whipped by tentacle rods.

I must admit, the thought of it excited me at first, having snuck into the archives and seen some rather saucy sketchbooks from Kara-Tur. Things turned out better than expected. I expected searing pain. However, my many layers of fatty tissue absorbed most of the damage. I did not scream once during the 'enhanced interrogations'.

Having been rereleased into society, I decided to make something out of myself. Went into a local bar at night, got wasted with a few sorcerers, then while they were casting cantrips to see who could retch the most onto their imp familiars, I managed to swipe 8 rings of human influence. Life changed for me when I put them all on at once.

I managed to get my bar tab cleared by doing a belly dance. The jiggling attracted much attention and I made enough coin (people were literally throwing gold at me) to finally leave Menzoberranzan. I used the alias Veldrin of Ched Nasad to hide my famous last name.

Would anyone like to hear more of my tale, or perhaps share their own? I've got Volo tied up in the basement with literally a barrel of ink and ten barrels of Evermead.

Drizzts_Fat_Cousin

Now that my background is out of the way we can get onto the interesting parts. The first funeral of my famous cousin Drizzt. Apparently he was hunting some gnolls near Baldur's Gate when suddenly a hidden cleric summoned skeletons then ran away to an island. Drizzt was suddenly dazed as if struck by the gods and he was quoted to have said, "It was as my pathfinding was off. I simply stood there while being beat on by skeleton warriors."

After standing still and beaten by skeletons for about six hours, he finally fell. Someone looted his corpse and he lost his two famous scimitars as well as his chain mail. He cried about this for hours while recovering after the priest of Lathander raised him, and I finally stepped in and asked him, "Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

This enraged Drizzt, but as the priest had half-assedly cast a raise dead spell instead of a proper resurrection spell, I managed to slap Drizzt in the face while dual wielding two meatball subs and he (Drizzt) once again lost his life. I had to have the priest do another raise dead, at the cost of one of my foot long subs. It's not very hard to manipulate people when you're a 500 pound Drow with 8 rings of human influence.

The story shall continue next on how he sent one of the most annoying mages in the realms to fetch his overrated, overpriced, and ostentatious weapons and chainmail.