Building one's self up

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• ElysianEchoes Member Posts: 475

  July 2019 edited July 2019

  Love Yourself, a book by Kamal Ravikant, may be of help. The main jist is that years of negative self image can be overcome with a repeated, positive thought. He talks about the bad place he was in life, and how he turned it around by repeating a simply phrase, aloud whenever possible, of "I love myself".
  
  It's harder than it sounds, at least to me, to do it consistently. Decades of self loathing aren't erased quickly. But it helps me little by little. My Bishop at church says I'm a much brighter person than I was two years ago. If nothing else, it costs nothing to try.
  
  Edit: P.S. Another good phrase is "I forgive myself"

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• ThacoBell Member Posts: 12,235

  July 2019

  Never feel bad if it looks like other people have everything figured out. A little insight: They are all faking it, every single one of them. Everybody has doubts and fears, everybody only hopes they know what they are doing most of the time, everybody wants everybody else to think they have it figured out.

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• DragonKing Member Posts: 1,977

  July 2019

  ElysianEchoes wrote: »

  Love Yourself, a book by Kamal Ravikant, may be of help. The main jist is that years of negative self image can be overcome with a repeated, positive thought. He talks about the bad place he was in life, and how he turned it around by repeating a simply phrase, aloud whenever possible, of "I love myself".
  
  It's harder than it sounds, at least to me, to do it consistently. Decades of self loathing aren't erased quickly. But it helps me little by little. My Bishop at church says I'm a much brighter person than I was two years ago. If nothing else, it costs nothing to try.
  
  Edit: P.S. Another good phrase is "I forgive myself"

  
  Yea, it's mind game, but does it really work when ones self doesn't believe the words they say. The older a person gets the harder it is to break their belief or mindset so how does one change if they can't believe it

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• ElysianEchoes Member Posts: 475

  July 2019

  According to the book, it's ok if you don't mean it at first or for a while. It still works. It just takes literally thousands of recitations for it to start sinking in. He described it as grooves in the mind. You gotta do it consistently long enough that the new grooves get deeper than the old, self hate grooves.
  
  The later in life you start, the deeper the old grooves are, but it can still be overcome. I was 38 when I read that book.
  
  I'm not there yet, but I am noticing improvement. My therapist has also shown me how my self hate is the cause of my neuroses and unhealthy thoughts, which feed my self hate, and so on.
  
  I also have my faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ to help me. I don't know if you believe in any sort of religion, though, so I won't bring faith into this beyond these two sentences unless you express interest in that.
  
  But, you're right. It's hard to counteract the way of thinking one has had for decades. It's gonna take work, but it is possible.

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• ThacoBell Member Posts: 12,235

  July 2019

  @DragonKing "Yea, it's mind game, but does it really work when ones self doesn't believe the words they say. The older a person gets the harder it is to break their belief or mindset so how does one change if they can't believe it "
  
  What you say, do, and consume (in the watching/reading sense, not literal food), all affects you and how you think. You pribably won't believe it at first, but vocally reaffirming yourself consistently will eventually have an affect.

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• shabadoo Member Posts: 324

  July 2019

  @DragonKing, the very fact that you care enough to put forth this amount of effort is something to take pride in. Some people just wallow in their misery, deciding there is nothing they can or will do about affecting change in their lives. Cheer up my friend, you're not one of these, you're just a little weary and worn. Give yourself a break.

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• [Deleted User] Posts: 0

  July 2019 edited October 2022

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  Post edited by [Deleted User] on October 2022

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• shabadoo Member Posts: 324

  July 2019

  The practice of self affirmation used in many "self-help" books is not about stroking your ego in hope of sparking self confidence. It's more about self examination with a conscious focus on your goods qualities. Taking the time to remind yourself that you love you make the mind to find justification, no matter how insignificant it may seem in the grand scheme. These "small" things add up, reinforcing your confidence over time, and become larger victories. That seems to be the theory, as I see it. As with anything, it's success depends largely on your commitment. The personal mentoring is a great opportunity for practical application though.

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• sarevok57 Member Posts: 5,975

  August 2019

  first, i would say it's a mind set, you could listen to every motivational speech that was ever created, but if you do not take action on what they preach, then its all for naught
  
  realistically YOU are the only person that is going to motivate YOU
  
  you have to change your mindset to WANT IT to FEEL IT, one advantage of listening to motivational speakers is not to have a back ground choir saying; you can do it! go for it! you got this! but rather HOW to get there
  
  right now my mom is going through a divorce and her life is basically getting flipped around, mostly for the good i want to say... although she's a little behind on rent at the moment heh, but anways, she is all in to that motivational stuff, but she doesn't do it to help "motivate" her, she listens to these motivators and how to change your way of thinking to help motivate yourself, because as i said earlier, the only person that is ever going to motivate you, is you
  
  next as ThacoBell said, NEVER EVER compare you life to others, never look at people and think to yourself; *sigh* so and so is doing so much better than me, or so and so has so much of their stuff together, that will never motivate you, and as ThacoBell said, some may indeed be faking it, while others, may actually have their stuff together ( like me, for the most part haha ), but here's the thing; for every person that has their stuff together there is probably 100 who don't
  
  also on that point, you dont have to be a super hero, you dont have to be the person who cures cancer, you dont have to be the person who finally bridges the gap between quantum mechanics and relativity, just be YOU
  
  i find that in the average developed world, life and media puts this pressure on people and says; that you should grow up and become this extraordinary individual and go to university and have a bunch of kids and get married and have a big house and then retire and live your golden years bleh bleh blah wank, my advice? dont follow the status quo, especially if you do not fit it, just be YOU
  
  also being said, i made an extraordinary claim that i have my life together, so here is my evidence to back up that claim:
  
  lets start with high school age:
  
  for the most part, i was a schmuck, a nobody, i was good and math and science, good at sports, but not world shattering amazing, and barely tried going through school mostly averaging C grades ( roughly 60%ish ) all the way and barely getting my high school diploma
  
  i remember though, that when i was in school, my "dream job" was to be a video game maker, i wanted to make video games, but then when grade 12 came by, it was too much work to get into the industry at the time ( this was 2005 ) from where i lived and it wasnt all glorious as i thought it was, and then before i knew it, school was over
  
  and i was at a complete loss, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, so i told my parents i wanted to do "grade 13" ( which is basically doing grade 12 over again, and some students will do this to either complete courses to graduate or get better marks in some of their grade 12 classes for college and university ) but i did it because i was a schmuck with no purpose and had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, so i thought another year of high school would fix that
  
  then grade 13 started, and nothing was changing, i was still being a schmuck, still getting nowhere, still not even trying to get good grades, so i was basically wasting time until oblivion was at hand,
  
  but then luckily, we were given an assignment in english class, the can lit assignment that was supposedly worth 30 or so % of our mark where we had to read an entire book and write a huge essay on it
  
  there is where i finally had enough with school, i would rather swim with great white sharks with a bloodly meat vest then do this assignment so i quit grade 13 at that moment
  
  and then some magic happened, 2 days after i quit grade 13 my old basketball coach called me up, and asked if i wanted a job, oh man what a relief because i didnt tell my parents that i quit grade 13 and i really cornered myself with this one, so i took the job immediately knowing that as long as i was working, my parents would be all good
  
  so this would be the first "real" job i ever had aka needed to sign a bunch of paper work social insurance number, all that jazz, and the job was; floor tiles, stacking the tiles for the floor, helping customers carry the boxes out to their cars, so on and so forth
  
  and at first, it was great, it was busy, i was making money ( which i never really had before ) so things were good, but then things started slowing down, and now i had to pay rent to stay at home and i was barely making enough to pay rent
  
  so luckily a month or so later a stumbled upon a job that paid more and had more hours and my mom's friend's husband was the one who gave me the job, and the best part of that job? was the person i met, this guy changed my life forever, "frenchie" is was called, since he was from quebec and had a french accent, i still remember the first day, early january of 2006...
  
  anyway, so i started working with this guy, and the first thing i noticed is that; this was great, this guy was a slacker like me, and he was even more of a slacker than i was, how fantastic this as i thought....
  
  and then months went by, i dont know why, but somehow frenchie got rid of the slacker in me, after working with this guy for months i was going insane, i lost all will to be a slacker and i changed the other way where i was now; get out of the way, so i can get this done in a timely fashion, which still lasts to me this day, moral of the story here; if you are a slacker and want to get rid of that trait, work with someone who is a bigger slacker than you for months on end until it drives you nuts, and you will be better off
  
  so anyway, years go by, and i do the insulation gig for 4 years, then afterwards meet up with frenchie again ( he quit 2 years after i joined ) and then he helped me get a trucking job to get my class 1, where i can make more money in a shorter amount of time, and that was great, and then i real pivotal moment happened in my life ( this was a rather long punch line ):
  
  one day, when i was 23, i went to "the city" and i bought a book called: rich dad, poor dad, and my life completely flipped turn upside down, even the fresh prince of bel air couldnt handle it, that book, if it wasnt for that book, i would definitely not be the situation i am in now, which has really had a huge impact on how my life changed
  
  so it started by me reading the book, and starting my financial journey, as i said, i was 23 and had a networth of around -7000 dollars CAD, not exactly the best to have at that age, but i was at -30000 when i was 20, so i was getting better
  
  so after i read that book, i starting working EVERY day without days off, i met frenchie again, who had a delivery company, so i would do the truck driving job monday-friday in the mornings, and the delivery job every evening including weekends, i was averaging 70+ hours a week, with the most hours in one week at around 96 ( oi that was a brutal one ) but 70, that's not too bad,
  
  so anywho, i did this for 397 days straight, not a single day off ( by around day 250 i was burning out hard to the point where i could almost smell colors ) but then when i hit day 320 or so, i kind of got a "second wind" and felt fine, so i just kept going along
  
  so i stopped at day 397 because i had "so much" money saved up i pratically had nothing to do with it, because my car was paid off, just bought my brand new PC, so there was basically nothing to buy, so i thought; hey, why not get lazer eye surgery? so i did, basically for the lulz ( and i dont regret that decision )
  
  and when i finally got that surgery, i only took one day off ( on day 398 ) and went back to work the next day ( during that 397 day period i even had to get dental surgery and get all my wisdom teeth pulled out, and i still did not take any days off for that )
  
  and then i hit day 97 ( after that one day off ) and that was the day, that i declared semi retirement, here i was, at 25, just bought a house, that was bringing some killer rent money and i no longer ever had to work, 70+ hours a week again, or had to work every single day in a row again
  
  so with that semi retirement, i just decided to work 3 or 4 weeks straight and take the odd sunday off, since i was already working that much, might as well keep at it
  
  well, about X amount of months later, i found another career; boilermaking ( which is basically a heavy duty "mechanic" that works on industrial vessels and what not ) and the reason why i switched to this is because i would be working the same hours anyway, but for more money
  
  so, some more years go by, and i kept learning about money and such along the way, and then last year, sometime, i hit another big mile stone where i pretty much retired ( actually more like earlier this year.... ) so at the age of 32, on average i work about a month a year, and i basically need to be bribed to do so ( which my truck driving boss is happy to do, grrr haha, oh well, i guess if we both win its all good )
  
  but, with that being said, when you are young, with a crap load of time on your hands, you contemplate a lot of things, and ( i think this is where this whole story was going ) i find that you need to find your passion in life, you need to find your purpose, without that, some people may just feel aimless, and that aimlessness can lead to emptiness and that is perhaps what you may feel
  
  now, the whole point of this entire story, is that if you find something that you are passionate about, you will be amazed what you will go through to achieve your goals, when i read rich dad poor dad, my passion became about retiring as soon as possible, and i did whatever it would take to do so, and i just went for it, deep down inside i wanted it SO BADLY i ate, i breathed, i slept becoming "successful" ( i use quotes here because im not even a millionaire, but im good enough off that it doesn't matter, and some people may consider you arent successful unless you are a millionaire )
  
  now with this being said ( i wonder how many times i've said that, ha ) this doesnt mean you need to follow the same ludacris path i choose, but i want you to find something that you are truly passionate about, that is going to be your fuel, i want you to find something that makes you excited to wake up in the morning ( no matter how mundane it is ) if your current career isn't filling that need, then either find another one that does OR find a hobby that does, and use your career to help fuel that hobby
  
  and as i said, you dont need to be a super hero, you dont need to be a celebrity, you dont need to change the world, find something that brings happiness to you, even if its just growing a garden, or making comic strips and donating them to a local newspaper, or making them part of your instagram account, but find something that gives you purpose, and if you dont know what that is; then experiment, do some new things, make a bucket list of things you want to try, whether they be mundane things ( like buying a bicycle and bike riding ) or something crazy like parachute jumping, but in the end, just find something
  
  because at the end of the day, you only live once ( on earth at least, what you want to believe what happens to you after you pass away is up to you ) but there is no doubt, that you only get one life in this world, and luckily you have the tools to shape your life the way you want it to be
  
  so with that my friend, i hope that you find your passion one day, whether thats today, tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years from now, never give up on your dreams ( even if they seem silly who cares, go for it anyway ) and i wish you the best of luck

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• BelgarathMTH Member Posts: 5,653

  August 2019

  @sarevok57 , Thanks for sharing your story about how you "made it". I think that was very inspiring, and much respect to you. My best friend from sixth grade on (we're more like brothers than "just" friends now), had that ability to "pull himself up by his own bootstraps", work 60+ hour weeks for months and sometimes over a year at a time with no days off, being driven by a passion to make a better life for himself, and all of that.
  
  In his case, he had some serious book smarts on his side to go with the passion. He grew up poor - his father left his family, and left his mother destitute, and he had kind of a Scarlet O'Hara "As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!" revelation that drove him. He got a job as a cashier at Kmart while we were still in high school, and by the time I finished college, (he didn't go - had to work), he was a store manager. He did that for a lot of years, but started to hate it.
  
  What he was really interested in was computers. He decided that he should be a computer programmer. But he had no financial aid options and no way to pay for the schooling, other than to make the money himself. He took out whatever loans were necessary, took a demotion at Kmart to personnel supervisor instead of manager, and still worked 40+ hours at Kmart while pursuing a degree in computer science at Devry Institute in Atlanta. Now, DeVry is a highly prestigious, very rigorous school.
  
  He completed a four year degree in only three years, all the while working full time at Kmart. During those three years, he often went a week or more at a time with very little sleep, and he still competed his highly technical, difficult course work with straight A's.
  
  Now he has a job with a prestigious software firm in Atlanta, makes six figures a year, and is the right-hand man of the company owner. He still works 60+ hour weeks.
  
  I don't know what drives him to do that, but he is very passionate about his work. He always has been.
  
  So, I look up to and admire people like him and you. I, however, don't feel the same drive and passion, and I think a lot of people don't. Your advice to "find something to be passionate about", is good advice, but, some of us just can't seem to find anything that would drive us like that.
  
  When I was young, music and philosophy would inspire me to keep practicing and studying for long hours, and go weeks at a time without a day off, but that faded as I aged past 35, 40, 50. What has saved me financially from my lack of ambition has been an inheritance from my grandparents, which allowed me to purchase a home outright, and have some savings to supplement my meager income from teaching private music students part time.
  
  A lifelong struggle with clinical depression has also been a factor in my lack of ambition, drive, or passion to work hard. I don't think I could cope with working more than a few hours a day, and having a lot of time off from work. I simply don't have the mental constitution for it.
  
  So, I think it's wonderful if someone can pull themselves up and motivate themselves to succeed the way you and my friend did. That doesn't always work for all of us though, especially not when mental illness is a factor. People like me will need a little more help, usually. And we don't always find our way through. I've been very fortunate that my life circumstances (so far, knock on wood), have shielded me from the worst of the suffering I could have gone through with my mental illness issues.
  
  I think the best advice I could give to anyone else who is struggling with depression, or a feeling that life has kicked them down and will never let them up, abject hopelessness, is that you must avail yourself of help that is available, however you can get it. See a doctor, go to a community mental health outreach organization, call a suicide hotline, find help. It is there, in almost any community. If your family is good for you, let them help, but some families are toxic, so if that is the case, you need third-party assistance from a help organization. There are people out there who care, and stand ready to help. I wish you well.

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