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[NonSequitur Roleplay Revival] - The One True Canon Tale

KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
Earlier this year, I did a Black Pits run:
Then, despite moving irl, the team moved on to a BG run:
Then, moving took longer than expected and I was informed I have to start a new topic/run instead of picking up the old one. So here we go:

This will be a wacky roleplay run with pop culture references and random silliness and tell the ONE TRUE CANON of this epic tale.

The New Cast

@KidCarnival - Eye of Helm: a nearsighted beholder paladin of Helm (Cavalier, Lawful Stupid/Chaotic Lulzy multi alignment; Katana/Long Sword via telekinesis, tank)
@Anduin - a mummified snirvneblin mage/cleric (Necromancer/Priest of Cauli multi class, Chaotic Chaotic; Quarterstaff/Sling, casting machine)
@Southpaw: a mindflayer swashbuckler (Lawful Evil, Short Sword/Short Bow, traps/locks/pickpocket)
@OneAngryMushroom: a myconid ranger (Chaotic Good, Quarterstaff/Long Bow, enemy Giant Spider, damage dealer)
@Kamigoroshi: a oozemaster druid (Avenger, True Neutral, Clubs/Darts, support caster)




The Quest

We drank something strange in the Crosseyed Cyclops Inn in the Underdark and appeared as surface dwellers to Baeloth and Najim, who later sent us to the surface. Now we want to find a way back to the Underdark, break the spell that disguises us as Helm-knows-who and then sue the Crosseyed Cyclops Inn with the help of a Duergar lawyer named Olgoth Facesmasher.

The Previously Open, Now Taken Slot

Ideally, we'd like to run with a 5 PC party and leave a rotating slot for NPCs. We are looking for:

☼ either a bard or a druid (kit or vanilla doesn't matter, but jester or avenger is preferred) OR a Thayan Wizard (any school but necromancy, can be dualed from other class or sorcerer) as support caster
☼ doesn't have to be an Underdark race, just something that fits through doors, isn't unfixably slow and exists as sprite in EEKeeper
☼ weapon prof that isn't taken yet (except mage/sorcerer can pick Quarterstaff, enough to go around with Mage Staff item mod in High Hedge)
☼ active forum poster
☼ being familiar with some of the following will greatly help to understand the references: Lost, Heroes, Monty Python, Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, Falling Skies, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Lord of the Rings, Stargate, American Horror Story, Marvel Comics/X-Men/Avengers (and probably roughly 25 other things before we reach Bandit Camp)

Random Tagging
@Anduin @OneAngryMushroom @Southpaw @Eudaemonium @Kamigoroshi @Malicron

Post edited by KidCarnival on
[Deleted User]KamigoroshiAnduinOneAngryMushroomtypo_tillyFredjoStarflower2525GoldenEgglolien


  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    edited August 2013
    * more for the road and one brain juice for the pretty Mindflayer chick at the ba...whaaaaa? *

    Southpaw, the Mindflayer stopped in middle of his first sentence after awaking from the slumber in a dark corner of the Candlekeep Inn (where his companions threw him after he slept over the whole encounter with Baeloth and Najim).
    First que was the troubled looks of his peers. The second que was that they seemed to be surrounded by humans and elves from the surface. @Anduin was murmuring something, playing with his fingers and throwing looks to sides. Beholder was nervously floating, with saliva slipping from his mouth and slowly dissolving the wooden table. The Myconid ranger they met while drinking last night slowly rocked back and forth, pouring spores on the wooden floor.
    Even the purple giraffe he used to see when he was drunk seemed troubled.

    * Oh my Lathander ... AGAIN ? *

    Post edited by Southpaw on
  • KamigoroshiKamigoroshi Member Posts: 5,655
    Ooohh! Let's see if my oozing alter ego fits the five commands:

    ☼ Druid (Oozemaster kit)... check?
    Amorphious bodies should fit through doors and anywhere else alright. Never was much of an marathon sprinter myself though. Still, I'm (probably) faster than the sailing stones from Death Valley.
    ☼ My favourite weapon proficiencies are clubs which I swing with mighty oozey tentacles. Has anyone else taken up clubs?
    ☼ Well, I'm active around beer o'clock.
    ☼ I'm in love with Monty Python, Game of Thrones and any kind of Mel Brooks movies. The other listed franchises I know of. Although I can live without Marvel. :P

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    Chapter 1: Candlekeep & Lion's Way

    "What is this... bright thing under the ceiling?!" the snirvneblin asked, blinking up to the sky and trying to shelter his eyes with a soup bowl. The hung over group had just been kicked out of the Candlekeep Inn by the cleaning maid and now found themselves in a gigantic cave that was illuminated by a very, very bright circle under the ceiling.

    "No idea", the mindflayer shrugged. "But that is the least of our concerns. Why does everyone address us with strange human names? Why is no-one wondering how we came here?" The myconid, who had been scouting around the castle, nodded. "That is indeed a good question. I wonder if Baeloth did... something to us. I think he wasn't very amused when we made him Drizzt in 'What Celeb Am I?' again and since it's Baeloth... I wouldn't put it past him to cast some spell that makes us appear as traitors to our kind as revenge."

    "If that turns out to be true, I swear I'll sue his robes off him!" The snirvneblin shook his fist. "Baeloth couldn't take a joke back in school, and it appears he never grew a sense of humor in the past 50 years or so. Bah, drow. Always taking themselves too serious."

    The beholder, who had been wobbling down the road, returned to the group. Next to him was a hovering book, "The 9th Prophecy". Look! This is us! he said, excited. Indeed, the open page showed a drawing of a mummified gnome, a mindflayer, a myconid and a beholder, waving weapons at a huge armored figure. @Anduin took the book and studied the page for a moment. "This is... bizarre. Why would a centuries old book from the surface have a drawing of us? Where did you get this book?" Found it in a stack of hay around the corner, the beholder replied. "I bet that armored figure there is Elan Garaq!" @OneAngryMushroom said. "Look, from the size, it's clearly a rakshasa!" @Southpaw stepped closer to take a look at the drawing. "Yeah, it does look like Elan... You think he talked Baeloth into this? I mean, he was angry when he turned out to be Garfield in 'What Celeb Am I?', but he usually isn't the sharpest sword in the armory..." "All signs point to Baeloth", @Anduin agreed. "He and his minions never had any humor. I suggest we try to find Garaq; he's probably hiding somewhere around here. Then we should get some answers."

    In Game Events
    Bought basic gear and weapons, according to profs, for everyone.
    Did Candlekeep quests; stole everything from Imoen, Xzar and Montaron, then dismissed them.
    Killed 1 gibberling and 2 wolves.
    Talked to Elminster.
    Picked up Ring of Princes (Southpaw) and Evermemory (Anduin) from secret stashes.
    Proceeding to FAI next time, possibly writing out Elminster encounter first.

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    edited August 2013

    Ooohh! Let's see if my oozing alter ego fits the five commands:

    ☼ Druid (Oozemaster kit)... check?
    Amorphious bodies should fit through doors and anywhere else alright. Never was much of an marathon sprinter myself though. Still, I'm (probably) faster than the sailing stones from Death Valley.
    ☼ My favourite weapon proficiencies are clubs which I swing with mighty oozey tentacles. Has anyone else taken up clubs?
    ☼ Well, I'm active around beer o'clock.
    ☼ I'm in love with Monty Python, Game of Thrones and any kind of Mel Brooks movies. The other listed franchises I know of. Although I can live without Marvel. :P

    I'll try how fast/slow oozes move. I already EEkept OneAngryMushroom some Paws of the Cheetah, forgot how slow the myconid sprite is. He's at speed 1 to 2 now. If that works for ooze, consider yourself hired. Otherwise, I can highly recommend the Troll (small) sprite for something green; I tested it 2 days ago. Oh and clubs is free, so that fits, too.

    Edit 2: O.o

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747

    @Kamigoroshi - Even with Paws of Cheetah, the ooze and slime sprites are painfully slow. Any other sprites I could use?

  • AnduinAnduin Member Posts: 5,745
    "...Whilst I enjoy this lovely embalming fluid let me tell you of the greatest scourge of the underdark. Friends Broccoli is evil... EVIL. They like to stalk you with there... well stalks. And does it go with cheese like Cauliflower? Well friends let me tell you the answer is Nooooooooooooo...."

    Anduin, stared at his mummified hands in surprise. It was clear to his necromatic cauliflower powered intuition that he had travelled in Time And Relative Dimension In Space. Yes he was standing in a TARDIS... And apparently it was cleaner than an elven arse...

    "What a hangover... I think I will use this Rod of Resurrection to put me back to rights..." muttered @Southpaw

    *Kepow* The resulting burst of light and power zapped around the TARDIS, otherwise known as the Candlekeep Inn, reflecting from the highly buffed and polished surface until striking @Anduin squarely on the noggin...



    "I never knew you were a Gnome @Anduin ? Gnome brains are by far the juiciest of Brains in all Faerun! That'll cure me hangover"

    "Tell somebody that cares!"

    *@Anduin, quickly starts wrapping bandages back around him before anyone notices his lack of mummification*

  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    edited August 2013
    * I don't like this place. The monks are creepily ... nice ... to us. I bet they are onto us. They are monks after all...even though...after I sucked that one in the yellow robes dry, she just keeps muttering about cats...

    Those creepy monks keep pointing our beholder to the old guy standing on the stairs of the library. Looks like they think he is their child. *

    Southpaw cleaned his shoes on one of the monk's robe and muttered to the group

    *I thought that elven arses are much cleaner than the filthy human tavern. I say we leave this place. The monks don't let me take any books. Hardly any good brains to suck ... aaaand I nicked that nobleman's gem bag.*

    Post edited by Southpaw on
  • AnduinAnduin Member Posts: 5,745
    *muttered in a slightly crazed voice*

    By Cauli the great Cauliflower, I'm alive... ALIVE. Oh, this is the worst thing to happen to me since, since, since I lost my nose to maggots! Wait! I have my nose back! I can smell... The colours so vivid... So BRIGHT! A second chance, well a third really... I'm ALIVE! I can eat! I can pee! Gosh... I might even be able to *gulp* get a gnomefriend!

    *Anduin skips merrily around the keep singing a happy melody*

    "Ahh child, I'm glad that I found you!"

    "Uhmm... Easy on the child & kiddie stuff. I'm a a full grown Gnome with two well sized turnips."

    "Come hither child"

    *Gorion starts pulling Anduin by the ear to the gate*

    "Look Gordon! I'm not your child! I'm a GNOME!"

    "Look. If ever we get separated it is imperative you make your way to the Friendly Arm Inn..."

    "What go to the nearest pub? What kind of Dad are you?"

    "Wait. We are in an ambush. Prepare yourself!"

    "Your perceptive for an old man. Hand over your ward and no one gets hurt."

    "WAIT! For the love of cauliflowers. Your not my Dad, Gordon. And my name is not Edward, Mr. Save our sock. My name is Anduin and I'm a GNOME! You all obviously have some parenting issues. Now if you'll excuse me..."

    "I'm sorry you feel that way... Gnome"

    *Humongous sword suddenly appears sprouting out of Anduin's ribcage*

    "Balls... I didn't even get the chance to pee...eee...eerk..."


    A few hours later


    "...Undead again... Oh well easy come easy go... Wait... For the mummification to work my brain needs to be carefully removed through my left nostril then placed in a jar..."

    *Anduin jumps up and looks around*


    *The mindflayer is screwing on the lid of a jar*

    "What? This is just a snack for later..."

  • KamigoroshiKamigoroshi Member Posts: 5,655
    @KidCarnival Bloody hell... guess the mustard jelly and ochre jelly sprites ain't much faster than the various oozes and slime sprites either, huh. Ah yes: jellies were also part of Icewind Dale: Trials of the Luremaster which may or may not use the same sprite speeds. And, if I remember correctly, Icewind Dale 2 also had a slime sprite or two in its pockets as well. The catch is I have no idea if EEKeeper can use these or not.

    Btw, that's a lovely oozing picture you found there. :D

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    Can't u edit speed in eekeeper or is boots the only way?

  • OneAngryMushroomOneAngryMushroom Member Posts: 564
    *wakes up with a splitting headache*
    "Oh dear Psilofyr, my head. That's the last time I do hallucinogenic spores while drinking with Myrna. Man, I had this crazy dream where I traveled around the surface world with some real freaks.
    *looks around*
    "But you're... the mindflayer, @Southpaw ?"
    "Crazy night, huh"
    " @Anduin ...The mummy?"
    "I don't really remember what happened either."
    "......................... What?"

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    edited August 2013
    slime will work you just need to edit it manually. I set the speed of the slime to 6 and it keeps up with a human. took a short bandicam clip to show you :)

    edit: unfortunately Comcast doesn't like me and wants to be slow with their high speed internet today. taking forever to upload a simple 20 second video :(

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    here I did it faster this time so that the size would be smaller than 20m, which was apparently the problem

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    I'll try to edit the Green Slime sprite, because I really really want to use that awesome portrait. Last time I tried to make the mummy faster, I set the speed to 1 and saw no change at all, so I just added Paws of Cheetah to the inventory when changing the slime and didn't bother.

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    0 is no change, essentially 1. at least I think they are the same. just edit the slime's speed to wherever it keeps up with the party, because I don't know if they are moving at normal speed, but if they are you could see imoen going right alongside the slime so 6 would be perfect :)

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    The myconid is slightly faster (I'd say like a monk, would have to compare to Rasaad), the rest moves at normal speed. He's not much slower than the others without Paws, but I'll try if I can find a better speed now. I had the myconid and lich set to 2 last time, which was still too slow (at least for the frontliner, mage was ok being slower).

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    just keep messing around with them and racing them and you will get it eventually to where they are keep perfectly up together. if you want the experience to be unchanged then compare them to the 6 speed slime since that is normal speed. then if you don't use the boots you could put them on later when you earn them or even use a different set of boots. glad you are doing this again I will read it even if I don't get many of the references. I am better with game references :)

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    Yeah that was a problem last time - the myconid and mummy/lich had to use the Paws (I edited them in early and planned to sell/throw away the legal pairs) and we couldn't use Haste or have them wear anything else. If I can somehow make them all roughly the same speed, that would solve all those problems, especially because the myconid (damage dealer and meant to be ranged/mainly use Long Bow) is faster than the beholder (tank) and that can't be matched with Paws.

    I'll import the party to Black Pits and edit them until they walk at same speed, then proceed to Friendly Arm Inn and discard the Paws of Cheetah.

  • ChildofBhaal599ChildofBhaal599 Member Posts: 1,781
    good luck to the party then :)

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    Good luck to the surface. XD

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    Set @Kamigoroshi to 6 speed and @OneAngryMushroom to 3 (and removed Paws of Cheetah with EEKeeper). Everyone is roughly the same speed now, so onward, to stupidity!

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    edited August 2013
    Speeds 7 and 4 it is. I had the party race around FAI and now, they finally stay in formation. Reminds me that I was surprised the mindflayer sprite has normal speed. I always thought them flayers are slower than the playable races, to not step on their long fancy robes. Anyway,

    Interlude: Lion's Way

    "What a weird girl that was", @OneAngryMushroom pondered. "She has to be the first person to not guess she's Drizzt in 'What Celeb Am I'. Every child guesses that first." "Remind me, why do we always make people Drizzt anyway? It's way too easy to guess..." @Southpaw replied. "Because that is the only celeb from the Underdark there is," OneAngryMushroom explained. "What about Gharmorok, the Gauth diresinger?" @Anduin asked. "He made only one album and then sealed his fate by moving into the Big Brother cave", OneAngryMushroom said and shook his head. "He's C-list at best." "And Xirxazzor, the mindflayer mime?" Eye of Helm suggested. Again, the mushroom shook his head. "Mimes are no real celebs. They can't even give interviews!" "Silfenda, the duergar who won Underdark Idol! She released her new single a few weeks before we left!" Anduin said. "Oh please." OneAngryMushroom laughed. "It's a dubstep cover of 'Papa was a rolling phaerimm". No-one cares about dubstep, that stupid tune or Underdark Idol."

    "A child, lost and alone in the wilderness?" an unfamiliar voice called out. Irritated, the group looked around and then spotted two people just standing around on the road. "Hey, Anduin, I think he's talking to you!" Amused, Southpaw curled his tentacles. "Oh boy..." Anduin sighed. "Be quiet and listen closely. The Time of Troubles is calling, it wants its jokes back!"
    "Umm, hello there? Can we maybe be of any assistance?" the taller one of the men asked. "I would offer you this healing potion..." The beholder smiled and grabbed the bottle with telekinesis. "Oh yes! Strangers have the best candy!" He threw it in his backpack. "I thank you very much, strange randomer, but we do not assist any requirance! My name is Helm of Eye and I come from the future to save you!"
    The halfling, who had been quietly mumbling so far, now looked up to his companion. "These folks are crazier than you, wizard. Screw the mission, I'm not travelling with that troupe of fruitcakes!" The human slowly nodded. "You are right, Montaron... This appears to be a lost cause..." The two shrugged and then disappeared into the forest, walking faster and faster, away from the Oceanic Four. "Weird surface dwellers..." Southpaw shrugged. "But look, they had nice stuff!"

  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    "Hey guys, I think this guy actually had a contract on us!" exclaimed @OneAngryMushroom, holding a scroll he took from what remained of some mage dressed in black. The headless corpse was still laying on the steps to Friendly Arms Inn.
    "An assassin. And he greeted us so nicely."
    "Never stand between a thirsty Beholder and the tavern you dolt!" muttered @Anduin as he cautiously stepped over the body.

    @Southpaw casually leaning on the wall, sucking at a straw that was stuck into the head of what previously was a black would-be-assassin mage. "I am quite happy with the situation outcome."

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    Chapter 2: Crossroads & Friendly Arm Inn

    "That was weird", Southpaw said as the group left the Friendly Arm Inn. "First that half orc tries to get us to buy him an ale, then these two weirdos ask for marriage counselling - who ever thought it's a good idea to ask a beholder for relationship advice?! And nowhere a road sig..."

    "That was weird", @Southpaw said as the group left the Friendly Arm Inn. "First that half orc tries to get us to buy him an ale, then these two weirdos ask... Wait a second, didn't I say exactly the same thing just a moment ago?" Southpaw stopped and turned around. "Sorry, I blinked again", the Beholder said. Southpaw sighed. It wasn't the first time they had accidentally time travelled 6 seconds into the past. "And here we go again. The biggest challenge an adventure party ever faced - find glasses for a beholder..." @OAnduin said. "Speaking of finding, where's the mushroom?"

    @OneAngryMushroom had scouted ahead and the remaining group followed a trace of half digested plants on the ground. "Over here, guys!" they soon heard his voice and when they followed it, they found the myconid engaged in a conversation with a green slimy puddle. "I might have a lead on finding Elan Garaq! I just met this druid here. Says he's on the way to a swamp near a village called Nashkel, where the annual Rakshasa Friendship Day will be celebrated soon. If Garaq is on the surface, he'll most likely attend to get the free t-shirt and carousel rides." The green slime wobbled around, probably he was nodding. "Actually, I'm not sure there really is a swamp near Nashkel," @Kamigoroshi said. "I'm on an exploration mission to find that out. It's a rather boring assignm..."


    "What was that?!" Anduin jumped around, just to see an ogre fall like a tree and the beholder hovering over the corpse. "W҉ha̧t͝?" The beholder directed all his eyes at the group. "I ̨w̛a͠nt̢e͜d ͏h̷i̸ş ̛b͜e̴lt.̷ H̨e ͞d̷i̷d͟n'̀t ̛deser̵v́e ̢i͞t̡!͝" Southpaw walked back to search the ogre corpse and indeed found two belts. He grabbed one and held it up. "I have bad news for you", he informed the beholder. "Neither of these belts is long enough to fit around you." He tried the belt on himself. "Now what a coincidence it happens to fit around me! I'll keep this one, you probably agree I'm totally deserving of it." OneAngryMushroom grabbed the other belt. "And we'll sell this one. It looks magical, should get us a few coins for food. I tell you, the ground here tastes terrible!"

    "So I was saying... This exploration mission is rather boring and I could use some company," Kamigoroshi finally finished the sentence. "Shall we travel to Nashkel together?"

    "To Nashkel!"

    "To Nashkel!"

    "To Nashkel!"

    "T̵o҉ R'y̧l̴eh!"





    Killed Tarnesh.
    Talked to Khalid, Jaheira, Dorn.
    Talked to Joia, got her ring back.
    Didn't explore upper floors.
    Sold stuff from hobgoblins and gem from hidden stash on Lion's Way.
    Added Kamigoroshi to party; bought gear including buckler.
    Killed ogre with belts; gave Elves' Bane to Southpaw.
    Travelling to Beregost next to pick up the first NPC.

  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    @KidCarnival - I was so much hoping, you would tie those 2 belts together and bind them around our beholder.

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    @Southpaw: I would have, but a) beholders have no gender and b) we really need the gold. I think we have 62 gold and only one backup weapon. I know my luck, my swords seriously break in every second fight. Eye of Hiro, we just call someone from Yellow Pages to fix sword Eyelar broke! T̡s̷k,͠ y̵o̶úr p͏uny̡ sw͜o҉r̷ds.͞.̸.́ ͟I s͜hall ͠ste̕al t̡h͞e ͝powe̷r̷ ̀o̢f ̸Varscońa! You are so evil, Eyelar! I bet you not only broke my sword but also killed my father, Gorion Nakamura, so he couldn't teach me how to use it! Ì ̕l̶ove͢ i̕ţ ̶w̸h̶eņ a ̸p̀lan c͞o͜mes̷ ͠t̵og͡e͟t͘h͡e͝r. HANNIBAL SMITH?! What are you doing in our perfectly shaped body?!

  • OneAngryMushroomOneAngryMushroom Member Posts: 564
    edited September 2013
    @KidCarnival That's why I like whacking people with big sticks. They don't break.

  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    You gotta stick it to them clubs...nothing beats a big stick. Maybe just a bigger stick. (Pun intended)

  • KidCarnivalKidCarnival Member Posts: 3,747
    How about a big stick with several clubs attached, like a giant morningst... Ok, maybe not.

  • SouthpawSouthpaw Member Posts: 2,026
    or Swordchucks (Nunchucks made out of Swords...all right...I'll see myself out...)
    anyway, there's time to continue with the narration I'd say.

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