Make sure you wipe thoroughly after a plot dump... otherwise it gets very unpleasant.
Its like wiping peanut butter out of a shag carpet man. Just straight up unpleasant.
Ugh... greasey ones are the worst! Plot gets everywhere. EVERYWHERE.
Its like Tarnesh all over again... and I just failed my save vs Horror. Naturally, panicking doesn't help, especially the running around.
Isn't there a standard crazy hermit in a tower near those scummy blue jerks? I hear he runs a half decent shop. Half being the operative word... I suppose he is crazy and all, so he gets a partial pass.
I say in Kuldahar for just long enough to catch up on a few quests, restock on ammo for Archer and buy some magic items that my adventurers were drooling at with their faces pressed comically up to the windows of the blacksmith's and mage's shops when they were but 3rd level wannabes fresh out of the avalanche. The hearing for the restraining orders is next month.
We go back to Dorn's Deep and thanks to advice from @DreadKhan I stumble into a tower that appears to be a giant furnace. Mmmm, warm. I see a mage inside so go and politely introduce myself and inquire as to what he's doing in a giant furnace about a quarter mile underground.
He responds by yelling at us and demands to know what we're doing in his house. ... Is this an actual realistic response to a gang of heavily armed people bursting in your front door and then start snooping around? In a fantasy game no less?! What is this madness? I thought I was playing an epic fantasy not some browned-out over bloomed shovelware shooter! I want my money back! Anyways, he takes the bottle I found in the ettin cave and gives me a potion as a reward.
So my reward for turning in a bottle of unidentified liquid that I will never use is another bottle of unidentified liquid I will never use... Into the singularity that I call a potion bag it goes, never to be seen again.
Back into Dorn's Deep proper I go down the secret staircase and into a room whose sole purpose is to show off the giant mechanism that causes the giant granite stairwell to retract. Wouldn't it have been a LOT easier and cheaper to install a trap door with a lock? If you want to feel fancy about it you could put a throw rug over it, or something.
The next room has a giant stature of a dwarf with an urn of some sort. Further up the stairs around said dwarf statue I find a ghost. The ghosts bluntly asks me if we are here to rob the tombs of his ancestors and make off with the sweet phat lootz of the dead. "Well... as long as we're being upfront about everything, Yeah!"
The ghost tells me that I'll end up regretting it.
Next room has undead. ... DAMMIT!!! And we were doing so well until now! At least they're easy enough to kill. Oh there's a lich that keeps summoning undead. I just put Cleric and Clermage at the bottom of the stairs with Turn undead left on while the rest of the party mercilessly robs the tombs of noble dwarven warriors of their most prized family heirlooms. We then go up the stair surround the lich and kick him to death. Well, that was suspiciously easy. Wait no, he reforms. Only for us to kick him into a pile of bones before he can get a spell off. He reforms again. We kick him again. And again. "Hold up! Look, Lich guy. This isn't going anywhere can you stop spawning until we can find an actual solution to this. Because all we're doing is wasting time." He seems to take my advice and FINALLY stops spawning. I then finish grave robbing.
What? They're dead. It's not like they're going to use a magic flail anytime soon. Actually wait, considering this games mook diversity they probably will. An even better reason to steal from the soon to be undead.
The final room in this dungeon is the hall of heros. I have Assassin pick all the locks and robs the tombs kill a few undead too. Whilst reading the various plaques that adorn the statues of the hall I notice one of them is of an elf. Evayne? Oh right that's Slim Shade-Li's daughter. So the dwarves didn't kill her like he had assumed. *Ring* *Ring* *Ring* Someone better pick up that phone because I called- Wait a second * I proceed to go back and reread my own thread posts* Wait, wait. No no, I MEANT to call it, let the phone ring.
Whilst looting the very next crypt I stumble upon what I assume is an Ioun stone but the moment I pick it up the party hear a horrendous scream come from the far end of the crypt as the stone as the stone dissolves into dust.
That was the lich's phylactery wasn't it.
I finish looting out the tombs and hit a giant brick wall with some doors painted on it for no other reason than to tantalize me. With no other options I go back the way I came. and pass by the ghost who I tell that I actually killed of the lich. He seems impressed if a bit miffed that we robbed the tombs anyways and floats off to where ghosts without a purpose go. Also the statue now has magma pouring out of the urn into a giant lava powered forge.
Where can I buy one because I want one so bad. That is hardcore. I open the door to the forge and somehow manage to pull out a key and a flail out of a metal box that is likely over a thousand degrees Fahrenheit. That's more like the epic fantasy I know and love. I go back to the stone wall and find some bronze golems that proceed hand my ass to me on a silver platter. or is it a bronze platter? Eh, who cares? I still manage to beat them by the skin of my teeth and travel far out of the reaches of Dorn's Deep and onto a mighty glacier. Looks like a good a place as any to take a break.
iirc, lava powered forges are mandatory for all Dwarven citadels, fortresses and mining empires.
Its in the code book, page 512 line 37 I think, 'significant dwarven dwelling areas including all citadels, fortresses, castles, clan holdings, mining empires and duergar slave factories shall contain at least one lava powered forge for every 250 dwarves'.
...What? Dwarves are lawful. Only Derro and Gully Dwarves are exempt.
Also, who builds a citadel in two parts seperated by a nice, brisk walk across A GLACIER!? Sheesh, someone ought to write up a code about that, it is one HECK of a slipping hazard!
In a disturbing contradiction of statistics the party wakes up alive, sober, and outside, however they did fall asleep on a giant glacier and thus had to spend half of Clermage's Burning Hands spells thawing Assassin out of the ice. Don't worry it was just a minor case of frostbite. He'll be in good enough shape to use as bait.
I explore the map some and after killing dozens of snow and ice trolls I come across what appears to be a giant museum, temple, maybe even a greenhouse because of the huge skylight, or something of similar nature. I opened the front door and stopped before entering and started thinking it was most likely a painful trap filled with explosions and enemies. You know I've always complained when, in video games, the player has to take the most physically roundabout and contrived route to a destination when the simplest option (the front door) is right there, yet when confronted with the option to actually use the front door I don't use it.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!
I finish exploring the map whilst having an existential crisis.
I decide to go into the giant place through the basement entrance, because if fro no other reason I'll at least will only get flanked from one side. I enter to find a bunch of commoners mulling around an old library. "It's a bit cold for a group camping trip wouldn't you think?" I talk to them and am informed that they are escaped slaves and they want my help to escape from the ice salamanders that are imprisoning and most likely eating them. I tell them that I'll look into it and go upstairs prepared for a fight.
And I'm greeted by a dozen Ice Salamanders who politely introduce themselves in slight British accents and calmly ask me what I'm doing here. O.k. I lie right to their faces and tell them I'm just here adventuring and would like to look around and maybe talk to their leader.
I search around and discover a pair of frozen sharks...
Wat.
Further exploring reveals numerous sea creatures trapped in frozen ice up to and including a fully grown Blue Whale.
HOW DO YOU? WHERE DO YOU? WHAT DOES THIS? WE'RE ON A MOUNTAIN? THIS LIVES IN THE OCEAN! The party stares dumbfounded at the impossibility of a 100 ton aquatic mammal that has been taken out of its natural environment and put in a pool UP A GODDAMNED MOUNTAIN! The only logical explanation is the infuriatingly insubstantial and annoyingly imprecise "A wizard did it"
I decide to ignore the improbability in front of my face and go and find the Ice Salamander leader I chat him up and as it turns out he's a pretty cool dude. Just trying to do the best with what he's given something about Ice Giants, possibly bigger problems and eating the slaves. Wait, that last one is a problem. Well, I really really really REALLY don't want to fight this guy considering that an army of these guys are just kinda sitting around looking at frozen fish and fish-like objects and I actually kinda like these monsters. I know! I go and I have Bard go and pickpocket the salamander leader. Ha ha! I haven't mentioned her in a while I bet you forgot about her! She manages a success on the first attempt and take the key off off The Salamander Leader and we leave to free his slave and remain friends all the while.
I go back to the slave and give the key to the slave leader. "ONWARD TO FREEDOM FRIENDS!" and they just kinda mull around the door. You have you're freedom. GO! Ok fine I'll go first.
That's a lot of dudes. that's a lot of angry dudes. I run back into the room with the slaves. "Ok people, we have a problem. Everyone is trying to murder us." Lets lets just take a nap and think about this...
The party wakes up from relaxing if somewhat cold nap, they feel refreshed and at peace with the world. Until they fully wake up and realize that they're trapped with a bunch of slaves in a aquarium turned fort/prison in the ass end of the realms with a company of angry Ice Salamanders screaming "Death to the warm bodies!" That realization really killed their good mood.
I gather the party just by the door where ALL the now former slaves are crowded around desperate to get a peek at the quickly ensuing battle. And the combined experience of 6 ninth level adventurers can only tell me one thing. "This is really gonna suck."
I charge in to the battle and immediately start throwing around as many AoE spells as I can and all resistance crumples like a kobold's attempt at engineering, fire included. Well then, that was odd. Perhaps I'm developing an actual infinitesimal amount of competence. I AM SO FREAKING HYPED!!! I go and put on a little song and dance routine with Bard and Assassin just for the poor peasants I just freed. But do to being off the cuff and totally unchoreographed I only end up making a total fool of myself, and finally revealing the secret that Assassin couldn't put on a half competent dance to save his life. Not that his life is very valuable anyways, I do just use him as essentially a piece of glazed meat on a fishing rod to pull monsters and to occasionally bludgeon spouses with while frozen.
I tell the now former slaves that they're free to go and to make their way to Kuldahar. The long arduous 3 day hike through the most untamed land in the realms that is filled to the brim with some of the most dangerous beasts in the world: Trolls, giants, wolves, orcs and super squirrels, especially that last one. Cleric leans over to Berserker and whispers "We're never going to see any of them alive again, are we?" "Nope."
We look around the room one last time and find a book titled "Suspension Bridges and the Convenient and Expedient Repair of Such"
It's stuff like this that really keeps me from totally dismissing divine intervention because that is just to damned convenient for words.
We go back to the decrepit suspension bridge with book in tow and suddenly realize. None of us have had the proper schooling and training for repairing this thing. And the books filled with complex equations and lingo that no one in the party can understand. Wait, no. Never mind, we have a dwarf. All dwarves and gnomes have mandatory engineering degrees. And somehow he completely repairs the bridge with nothing but a shield and an axe.
We go into the Ice Cave across the bridge. I explore a bit and I find a room in the filled with skeletons and baby Ice Dragons. I loot the skeletons of the valuable gear that they are clearly not using. One of the ice dragons introduces itself as Frostbite. How creative, I think as I look at the icicles he calls teeth. I ask him a few simple questions like, who and what is he, who's in charge and if he's the reason for all the skeletons. As it so turns out he is. I decide not to attack them because baby dragons come from dragon eggs, and dragon eggs come from adult dragons and I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY don't want to piss off a dragon. That's just bad news all over.
I go back a bit and go through a tunnel to a new area with a MASSIVE FREAKIN' SKELETON right in front of my face. Oh please, oh please, oh please be the parent to those little squeaking, winged, frost geckos. Some murders and exploring later I find an old woman in an encampment underneath the skeletons spine.
She introduces herself as Kontik and we chat a bit before she reveals that she was the superior to the Auril priest that we killed back at the place with Mr.SpecKni. To be completely honest I totally forgot about her. Well, It's still Six against one so even if she does cast Choas it shouldn't be too hard. That's about the time she summons a couple of eldritch knights. Dammit this is what happened last time. I didn't learn any lessons at all. I beat them by separating the knights from Kontik and then taking pot shots at her from range after I had killed the knights. I would have figured that evil knights made of unholy energy and their summoner would have put up a better fight but then again Auril might have just set them up to die. She's a bitch like that.
I continue exploring and Come across an Ice Giant.
"Hello Mr. Ice Giant, are you going to use that 200 pound axe to pound me into a slightly frozen red stain on the ice?" "Not right now no, but don't push your luck." "GREAT!"
I stumble upon the group of slaves that are being given to the ice dragons to eat. They predictably ask me to save them. O.K. I'm willing to piss off a bunch of Ice Salamanders content with the knowledge that if I start a fire they can't get to me. But killing a baby dragon, whose parents might still be alive and very much vengeful AND the Ice Giants that are currently surrounding us with their numerous attack wolves, AND the fact that you lot could very well get caught in the crossfire and die horribly anyways. Those aren't good odds. Yeah, you losers are one you're own. I suggest running when they throw you to the thing cause its less than 40 feet from the entrance.
Don't give me that look I never said I was doing a good playthrough.
They also told me that the Jarl killed his father for his current position of power and its somewhat dishonorable. I go and find and confront said jarl and call him out on it. He replies that it is true and gives the pendant he killed his father for. O.K. that was easy.
I exit the caves and decide to sit and speculate on Ice Giants psychology for a while.
After sitting on a frozen rock for about a month speculating the merits of Ice Giant psychology I have come to 2 conclusions. 1. Ice Giants are insane and 2. My ass is cold. Time to get moving. I Continue on and finally enter into Lower Dorn's Deep. I enter an am immediately approached by a skeleton in a giant suit of armor. It politely introduces itself as "The Voice of Durdel Anatha". Bit flowery don't you think; couldn't think of anything a bit shorter like, I don't know. YOUR ACTUAL NAME. He explains that he's a failed paladin and is being controlled by some clerics of Illmater. That explains it, few creatures on this earth are more melodramatic than fallen paladins. Wait... you're being possessed by clerics of Illmater? That makes absolutely no sense. The Voice of- Screw it, your names Randall now. Randall then notifies me of his objections to his claim by placing the sharp end of his sword on the inside of Clerics face.
All objections have been duly noted.
The party manages to beat him down after a surprisingly difficult fight. I explore some and fight a few golems and salamanders that are more irritating than difficult. However after I had rested Randall came up to my party and buried his sword in Cleric again. IS THIS GOING TO BE A THING?! IS THIS A THING, RANDALL? I beat him down again and continue to explore. Bait- I mean Assassin comes across a little deep gnome girl with a key necklace and decide to talk to her. She gives me a sad expression and I notice that her tongue has been cut out.
... Who. Did this. To you?
She points at a nearby tower where some archers are taking potshots at anything that comes near. She gives me the key and the party enters into the tower. The fight goes pretty well it isn't to difficult but I had cast Cloud of Pestilence and the fight had ended before it dispersed so the little girl comes in the tower thanks me then walks into the glowing blue cloud of death and dies! NO NO!!! NOOO! RELOAD THE SINS AWAY! RELOAD THE SINS AWAAAAY!
I do the entire thing all over again but don't use any lingering spells. Oh god that was traumatizing. But I did manage to stop some of the mindless slaughter of these gnomes.
I explore some more and find a gem-cutter who tells us that the person who enslaved the gnomes was Marketh. Alright we have a name. Let's go. The party decides that going through the front door of the evil pseudo-ruler of Dorn's Deep is a bad idea and go into the lower mines. We fight past some salamanders and come across a gnome resistance leader. He asks us to kill the Salamander king so he can lead his people away from this lava filled hell. You know what, Sure I'll help. I've already pissed off the blue salamanders I might as well make sure that both clans are out for my blood.
The party continues and ends up in a massive lake of lava. Dang... It's a good thing this deep under ground crack into the earths mantle is well ventilated. Otherwise the incredible temperatures and pressures as well as the horrifyingly toxic fumes would have killed off the gang in seconds. This place is conveniently ventilated... Right? I'll worry about possible brain damage later. There's an angry fire giant telling me to go jump in a pit of lava. Right... Are you going to get pissed off at me if I walk past you? No? Ok then I'll just explore some and try not to cause trouble. I fight my past a few elementals and proceed up a hill and across a bridge. A bridge that will become a thing of legends later. To a creepy entrance of some strange ritual site. Oh goddammit not another summoning cult. And this one looks legit too. It's got sacrifices and everything, and... and...
... that is a lot of skeletons. I mean a whole lot. This is probably a small towns worth of people that have been resurrected. RETREAT!!! The party runs outside only to meet about 2 dozen angry fire giants that aggroed and spawned outside the temple for some reason. Somehow managing to remain calm, I remember everything this game has taught me and I run back inside the temple to try and create an opening that the party can run through. As luck would have it all the giants follow the party inside the temple. I retreat back outside and JUST manage to squeak out a Haste before running the party across the bridge to create the perfect choke point. While the rest of the party makes preparations I have Berzerker take point on the bridge as to what I assume to be his first death in the run through. I shit you not. Berzerker holds the line.
If you have a preferred song of pure kickass for those special moments of undiluted awesome, use it now. I used Forces from the berzerk anime.
What happened next was the most badass fight I have yet to participate in. It took about 15 minutes, exhausted every spell that my party had. With Berzerker tanking the entire front, and everyone else providing artillery support. I really don't have the words to properly describe it. Even the aftermath doesn't do what had just happened here justice.
I decide to call it here and give Berzeker a well earned break after giving Tempus himself a run for his money in terms of combat achievement
I'm really happy you're continuing this run. As always, I kept chuckling the whole time I was reading and catching up. Your sense of comedy fantasy is brilliant.
Congratulations on your victory over the fire giants.
Berzerker wakes up from what has probably been the most royal and exorbitant beat downs the world has ever seen since that time Torm and Tempus got into a bar fight that ended with Tempus pile-driving Torm off the edge of his home plane and right into the material world. This is the actual event that created the Underchasm during the spell plague, but historians and clerics don't like me spreading that around too much.
I have the party move back into the old temple filled with undead only to see a familiar face, well necromatic calcium in the form of a skull but I don't tell Randall that. I comes up to me says something about honor and the party kicks him back into pieces. I have Assassin scout out ahead, and I know it's really lame to complain about monster numbers per map this late in the game but, this is just absurd there must be at least fifty mobs in this one map. I mean there's got to be limits and my PC even stuttered a little. THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN!
My brilliant tactical plan is to quite literally spend the next four in game days going in to the temple, saying hi to Randall, killing Randall, kiting a dozen skeletons, running out of the temple, killing them and finally resting. Whist having Assassin act as bait I stumble across some clerics in magic shells, one of them introduces himself as Brother Perdiem. After giving some vague warnings and cryptic smugness he tells me to go off and suck my blade. Unfortunately I misheard him and stuck my blade in his face. I killed the other clerics and all the slightly shivering bones and clattering armor of a determined former Randall suddenly went dead still. It was a bit sad seeing the remains of a once proud knight that had been abandoned by his god and abused by those he trusted. He may haven been an annoying enemy, but maybe in another time and another place. We could have been allies.
As I was pondering mortality and the random events of the universe that we feebly try and forge into an explanation for our existence and suffering the idol that I didn't notice turned 3 of my party members to stone. HELM!!! *EXPLETIVE*!!!! *EXPLETIVE*!!!!
I reload, kill all the clerics again and kick Randall's bones into a corner. Ok I think I have a Potion of Mirror Eyes around here. Check the potion bag, Nope. Check the Bag of Holding, Nope. Check all characters inventory, NOPE!
*Whilst the myconid is enjoying a rage fueled rant on a great variety of topics that is too profane to actually write down please enjoy this flashback* about 2 weeks ago back in Kuldahar "My potion back is full and I do have a lot of potions that I never use, I might as well sell a few that I know I won't need. Potion of Mirror Eyes? When am I ever going to need that?" *meanwhile back in the dungeon*
AND CIRCLING ALL THE WAY BACK TO MY ORIGINAL ARGUMENT, HOW DOES A STATUE EVEN PETRIFY PEOPLE!!! Deep breaths, deep breaths... Ok. Lets think about this. Is anyone here opposed to cannon fodder? No, I'm not talking about you Bait, er Assassin. I then summon a bunch of level 1 mooks and use them as cannon fodder while I have the rest of the party bow and arrow the idol to death. How you manage to break a stone or metal statue with bolts, rocks and arrows I don't know but I won't question what works.
I activate some things near the top of the map I thought they were loot containers but they weren't. This makes myconids cry. I continue on and start the assault on Marketh's Palace. I am greeted with a pleasant surprise I find a off-shoot of my own Orange Cap colony. What on earth are they doing here. Guys, I cleared a path go back to the main colony. Uh, kinda getting a little threatening. What's with those looks...
One painful battle later...
Oh god, they petrified the sporelings. They killed them. How. how could they... Marketh will pay
I spend a small period of mourning for my lost brother and sporlings before moving on. I notice a pair of gnomes working on a statue that the fallen children surround. He tells me that he's carving out a statue of Marketh and gives me a portrait of him. I know my enemies face now. There will be no mercy. I go up to the second level of the palace and I come across a pair of knights in some pretty sweet armor that I pick up. I give it to Berzerker and change his colors to black and gold Yeah that's really badass Wandering around some more I find a dark elf. She introduces herself as Ginafae. She tells me that she "belongs" to Marketh and that he abuses her relentlessly. All right. That's it. I'm well and truely mad now. Marketh is going to die. I meet Cook in the kitchen. Not sure if Cook his his name or his title. Probably both. Considering that both Berzerker, Cleric and Bard are perpetually hungry I decide too go rooting through is cabinets much to his loud protests. I have Bard knock him out with her lute to shut him up. After rudely rifling through his pantry all I can find is a large sack of potatoes. I weigh the pros and cons of taking a burlap sack of potatoes. They are heavy and I can hit someone really hard with it. But on the other hand I hate potatoes and I think they are the worst vegetable in existence. I decide to leave them, Why on earth would I take a sack of rotting potatoes? I go up to the next level and get ambushed by some Rogues. They were hardly a big deal save their ability to turn invisible in the shadows. I need to get Assassin to do that more. I decide to clear out the map before confronting Marketh. I don't usually consider myself the incarnation of the god of justice's divine wrath on this sinful earth who goes around hitting people with an oversized sharpened chunk of steel that glows with a holy light. But in the case of this slaving, torturing, mutilating, child enslaving, sporling killing, woman beating excuse of a human being. Well, lets just say that Berzerkers rage got the better of him.
One hell of a bloody mess later, I take Markeths token and tell Ginafae that the bastard is dead. She doesn't take it well. I go back to the massacre room and into the artisan's district. There's not much to say about here. Annoying traps, annoying umber hulks and annoying minotaurs. Though I did find a dead paladin and took his sword.
I come across a greenhouse. Not sure how that works underground but I'll roll with it. I enter and immediately get attacked by some umber hulks. you know now that their confusion effect doesn't last 10 FREAKING MINUTES, they're not that bad to deal with.
I search the area some and come across another Dark elf named Malavon. I tells me he'll have his golems squish all the blind gnomes in front of them if we step any closer. I manage to worm the command word to shut off the golems. I don't know where I got that information from but I did. He teleports around but provides very little trouble after I get a dispell magic off on him. I then loot the place and nick a lot of very nice spells and stuff. Whilst making my way back to Lower Dorn's Deep to investigate a elevator I found. I get accosted by some Salamanders who tell us off for entering Marketh's palace. One of them happens to be the Salamander King that a gnome asked me to kill. Well, lets kill 2 salamanders with one sword now, shall we. A few freezing murders later I inform the gnome that his oppressors have been killed and he's on the way to freedom.
Completing a lot of objectives the party decides to take a rest.
... ... ... ... Of course I went back and killed Malavon's golems for the EXP. Do you think I'm mad?
I probably shouldn't ask questions I don't want answers to...
Anyways. The party makes their way back to the Oubliette. And I will totally admit that I had to google what the hell that actually was. I go down and a gnome confronts Barbarian and accuses him of being in cahoots with Marketh. I tell him that I put a sword, mace and several arrows in Marketh's various organs and bits that give a satisfying squish when you hit it really hard. I manage to convince him but I'm certain he's skeptical of our intent. He tells me that his clan needs some help clearing out the way to his village and I might get on his good side if I help out. Taking the hint that was about as subtle as the grill of a oncoming semi-truck at highway speeds. I wander down and see what's causing all the trouble. Oh, giant beetles the size of said semi. Bard, remembering all the way back to her first encounter with over-sized beetles promptly freaks out. Doesn't really matter much considering that the party just range attacked them to death before they could move. Get ambushed by some Umber Hulks, nothing particularly bad, mostly annoying. Entering I get approached by another gnome demanding what I'm doing here. I tell him I cleared the path for him amongst other things, he begrudgingly lets me go. I go and talk to a guy named Nym. He tells me that he got a load of awesome weapons by stealing from some elves in a giant hand shaped castle and made a ton of profit by selling them to the goblins and orcs and goblins, and that he'd be willing to sell me what he had left.
... Nym... are you... are you telling me that you are, solely and personally responsible for ALL of my problems in the Ten Towns. Tens of thousands of deaths can be traced back to you. The destruction of the ONLY elven and dwarven alliance shattered because you wanted some extra gold. Literally thousands are dead and what could have been the greatest time of prosperity for The Dale was cut short because of you. And without that alliance and the elves vigilance even greater evils have taken hold over this land. Hrothgar DIED because of this! I've ran my ass all over this place fixing every problem that can be traced back to you. Quite literally every single god-damned thing wrong with this place is entirely your fault.
I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL #$(^!&@ KILL YOU! EVERYTHING WRONG IN THE DALE IS YOUR FAULT!!! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!? RAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!! MURDER, DEATH, KILL!!! MURDER, DEATH, KILL!!!
No, no this isn't right. This isn't fair. How could he have possibly known. Lets calm down and think about this rationally. I decide got go through is ware and buy what I want. Bought some birds and. Dear god. He's got caged squirrels, how? When? Where? More importantly, HOW? I buy them, immediate. These invincible super squirrels will be my shock troops during the final battle! I buy everything else I can use off of him. O.K. where was I? Oh right.
MURDER, DEATH, KILL! MURDER, DEATH, KILL! Nym realizing the error of his ways tries to teleport out, however Berzerker had already one hit Nym into chunky salsa by the time his spell went off the only thing that got transported were fist sized chunks of problem causing drow.
I explore some more find some guy named Dirty Llew. Not sure how to respond to that one. Go through is stuff, buy some things. Have Clermage slap the daylights out of him when he tries something lecherous. I go to the temple and chat up Beorn some more. He thanks me for saving Guello from the salamanders netting me a nifty bit of EXP.
Deciding that my work here is done, and Nym reminding me that I have unfinished buisness at the Severed Hand, I promptly shirk off all of my pressing problems and immediate duties to got talk to dead elves some more. Half way there I got attacked by some ice goblins which Cleric then made into pies. You know if you can stand the after taste goblin pies aren't that bad. I decide to call it a night.
Firstly, I'd like to apologize for taking so long. Life kinda fuster clucked me and I hit a brick wall on how to write this next part.
After an extremely long hellish march through the ice and snow. The party finally arrives once again to the severed hand. One of its finger spires collapsed and leaving rubble over the landscape. Sparse vegetation poking through patches in the snow. We fight our way past some ghostly stragglers that managed to survive our initial onslaught. Upon making it to the the third floor where the Hand separates into the finger towers. I take my charge to a halt. ... "Which one of these is the right one?" Uhh... That one! Nope, Nothing up that one but spiders... Alright, lets move on to the next tower. Nope still, floating chunks of brick and stone, how do those even stay up there anyways... Ok next tower. I climb to the top and find the arboretum with the garden elf. Garden elf walks up to me and thanks me for the stray animals I have rescued and takes my birds and squirrels.
OI! Those are my shock troopers. Garden elf thanks me for restoring the garden to it's former glory. He then promptly releases the squirrels and the birds. Berserker panics and runs all the way down back to the bar to ethereally drink away the the ethereal memories of very real squirrels. Scream all the way "YOU FOOL! You've doomed us all!"
The rest of the party exasperatedly follows Berserker back down to the bar where he is repeatedly downing empty ale mugs. The party drags him away from the bar and continues up to the last tower. I meet the ghost librarian again and ask him how he's doing. He proceeds to yell at me for causing noise and still refuse to believe that he's dead. You know what let him believe what he wants I've got to go see Shad-Li, and show him his daughters journal. As I go up the stairs I notice that there has been some major remodeling done to Shade-Li's room. He built a giant stage... That he's currently standing on... and does... does anyone else hear music?
May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shade-Li please stand up? I repeat, will the real Slim Shade-Li please stand up? We're gonna need a paladin here..
Y'all act like you never seen a skeleton before Spells all over the floor like Jan and Orrick just burst in the door And started casting their spells worse than before Protection spells prepared, with a giant fireball in store (Ah!) It's the return of the... "oh, whoops, no: that’s the wrong spell" "He didn't just cast that Disintegrate, did he?" And Hrothgar said... nothing, you idiots! Hrothgar's dead, he's a golem in my basement! (Ha-ha!) Tempus' women hate Shade-Li
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*] "Slim Shade- Li, I'm sick of him Look at him, walking around casting his who-knows-what Cursing the Severed Hand. "Yeah, and he's undead too!" Yeah, I probably got a couple of bones up in my skull loose But no worse, than what's going on in Marketh’s bedrooms Sometimes, I wanna get on The Hand and just let loose, but can't But it's cool for Frostbeard to kill his own dad? "My spell has just fizzled, my spell has just fizzled." And I’m unlucky because I just took a little crit. And that's the spells that we show to little kids And expect them not to know what a mages fireball is Of course they gonna know what sorcery is By the time they hit fourth grade They got the Dragon Disciples , don't they? "We ain't nothing but clerics." Well, some of us Cyric’s Who cheese confusion like its valid [DAMMIT!] But if we can chunk Salamanders and Myconids Then there's no reason that a thief and sorcerer can't evoke [*awww.*] But if you set off a trap, I got the antidote Druids wave your quarter-staves, incant your spells: Roll your saves!
'Cause I'm Slim Shade- Li, yes I'm the real Shade- Li All you other Slim Shade-Li’s are just Necromancin' So won't the real Slim Shade- Li please cast Knock, please cast Knock, Please cast Knock. [Eminem] El-min don't gotta cuss in his chants to cast magic; Well I do, so Luck him and Luck you too! You think I give a damn about a Pally? Half of you clerics can't even stomach me, let alone turn me "But Slim, what if they do, what would happen then?" What? You think I can actually die? And come back as a ghost like Mr. SpecKni? Yo shit Oswald better switch with-
uhhm... Hello again adventurers. Shouldn't you be in Dorn's Deep? Yes we should but we found this and decided that you might want it. The party gives Slim Shade-Li his daughters journal and patiently waits for him to read through years worth of entries in what would be a massive breach of privacy. Shade-Li looks at me and says that he's been wrong about the dwarves and that he realizes he's been a horrible excuse for a person, and that he'll spend the rest of eternity making up for his racism and to bring the rest of the undead elves to the afterlife.
Comments
Its like Tarnesh all over again... and I just failed my save vs Horror. Naturally, panicking doesn't help, especially the running around.
Isn't there a standard crazy hermit in a tower near those scummy blue jerks? I hear he runs a half decent shop. Half being the operative word... I suppose he is crazy and all, so he gets a partial pass.
We go back to Dorn's Deep and thanks to advice from @DreadKhan I stumble into a tower that appears to be a giant furnace. Mmmm, warm. I see a mage inside so go and politely introduce myself and inquire as to what he's doing in a giant furnace about a quarter mile underground.
He responds by yelling at us and demands to know what we're doing in his house.
...
Is this an actual realistic response to a gang of heavily armed people bursting in your front door and then start snooping around? In a fantasy game no less?! What is this madness? I thought I was playing an epic fantasy not some browned-out over bloomed shovelware shooter! I want my money back! Anyways, he takes the bottle I found in the ettin cave and gives me a potion as a reward.
So my reward for turning in a bottle of unidentified liquid that I will never use is another bottle of unidentified liquid I will never use... Into the singularity that I call a potion bag it goes, never to be seen again.
Back into Dorn's Deep proper I go down the secret staircase and into a room whose sole purpose is to show off the giant mechanism that causes the giant granite stairwell to retract.
Wouldn't it have been a LOT easier and cheaper to install a trap door with a lock? If you want to feel fancy about it you could put a throw rug over it, or something.
The next room has a giant stature of a dwarf with an urn of some sort. Further up the stairs around said dwarf statue I find a ghost. The ghosts bluntly asks me if we are here to rob the tombs of his ancestors and make off with the sweet phat lootz of the dead.
"Well... as long as we're being upfront about everything, Yeah!"
The ghost tells me that I'll end up regretting it.
Next room has undead.
... DAMMIT!!! And we were doing so well until now! At least they're easy enough to kill. Oh there's a lich that keeps summoning undead. I just put Cleric and Clermage at the bottom of the stairs with Turn undead left on while the rest of the party mercilessly robs the tombs of noble dwarven warriors of their most prized family heirlooms. We then go up the stair surround the lich and kick him to death.
Well, that was suspiciously easy.
Wait no, he reforms. Only for us to kick him into a pile of bones before he can get a spell off. He reforms again. We kick him again. And again.
"Hold up! Look, Lich guy. This isn't going anywhere can you stop spawning until we can find an actual solution to this. Because all we're doing is wasting time." He seems to take my advice and FINALLY stops spawning. I then finish grave robbing.
What? They're dead. It's not like they're going to use a magic flail anytime soon. Actually wait, considering this games mook diversity they probably will. An even better reason to steal from the soon to be undead.
The final room in this dungeon is the hall of heros. I have Assassin pick all the locks and robs the tombs kill a few undead too. Whilst reading the various plaques that adorn the statues of the hall I notice one of them is of an elf. Evayne? Oh right that's Slim Shade-Li's daughter. So the dwarves didn't kill her like he had assumed.
*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*
Someone better pick up that phone because I called- Wait a second * I proceed to go back and reread my own thread posts*
Wait, wait. No no, I MEANT to call it, let the phone ring.
Whilst looting the very next crypt I stumble upon what I assume is an Ioun stone but the moment I pick it up the party hear a horrendous scream come from the far end of the crypt as the stone as the stone dissolves into dust.
That was the lich's phylactery wasn't it.
I finish looting out the tombs and hit a giant brick wall with some doors painted on it for no other reason than to tantalize me. With no other options I go back the way I came. and pass by the ghost who I tell that I actually killed of the lich. He seems impressed if a bit miffed that we robbed the tombs anyways and floats off to where ghosts without a purpose go. Also the statue now has magma pouring out of the urn into a giant lava powered forge.
Where can I buy one because I want one so bad. That is hardcore. I open the door to the forge and somehow manage to pull out a key and a flail out of a metal box that is likely over a thousand degrees Fahrenheit. That's more like the epic fantasy I know and love. I go back to the stone wall and find some bronze golems that proceed hand my ass to me on a silver platter. or is it a bronze platter? Eh, who cares? I still manage to beat them by the skin of my teeth and travel far out of the reaches of Dorn's Deep and onto a mighty glacier. Looks like a good a place as any to take a break.
Its in the code book, page 512 line 37 I think, 'significant dwarven dwelling areas including all citadels, fortresses, castles, clan holdings, mining empires and duergar slave factories shall contain at least one lava powered forge for every 250 dwarves'.
...What? Dwarves are lawful. Only Derro and Gully Dwarves are exempt.
Also, who builds a citadel in two parts seperated by a nice, brisk walk across A GLACIER!? Sheesh, someone ought to write up a code about that, it is one HECK of a slipping hazard!
I explore the map some and after killing dozens of snow and ice trolls I come across what appears to be a giant museum, temple, maybe even a greenhouse because of the huge skylight, or something of similar nature. I opened the front door and stopped before entering and started thinking it was most likely a painful trap filled with explosions and enemies. You know I've always complained when, in video games, the player has to take the most physically roundabout and contrived route to a destination when the simplest option (the front door) is right there, yet when confronted with the option to actually use the front door I don't use it.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!
I finish exploring the map whilst having an existential crisis.
I decide to go into the giant place through the basement entrance, because if fro no other reason I'll at least will only get flanked from one side. I enter to find a bunch of commoners mulling around an old library. "It's a bit cold for a group camping trip wouldn't you think?" I talk to them and am informed that they are escaped slaves and they want my help to escape from the ice salamanders that are imprisoning and most likely eating them. I tell them that I'll look into it and go upstairs prepared for a fight.
And I'm greeted by a dozen Ice Salamanders who politely introduce themselves in slight British accents and calmly ask me what I'm doing here. O.k. I lie right to their faces and tell them I'm just here adventuring and would like to look around and maybe talk to their leader.
I search around and discover a pair of frozen sharks...
Wat.
Further exploring reveals numerous sea creatures trapped in frozen ice up to and including a fully grown Blue Whale.
HOW DO YOU? WHERE DO YOU? WHAT DOES THIS? WE'RE ON A MOUNTAIN? THIS LIVES IN THE OCEAN!
The party stares dumbfounded at the impossibility of a 100 ton aquatic mammal that has been taken out of its natural environment and put in a pool UP A GODDAMNED MOUNTAIN!
The only logical explanation is the infuriatingly insubstantial and annoyingly imprecise "A wizard did it"
I decide to ignore the improbability in front of my face and go and find the Ice Salamander leader I chat him up and as it turns out he's a pretty cool dude. Just trying to do the best with what he's given something about Ice Giants, possibly bigger problems and eating the slaves. Wait, that last one is a problem. Well, I really really really REALLY don't want to fight this guy considering that an army of these guys are just kinda sitting around looking at frozen fish and fish-like objects and I actually kinda like these monsters. I know! I go and I have Bard go and pickpocket the salamander leader. Ha ha! I haven't mentioned her in a while I bet you forgot about her! She manages a success on the first attempt and take the key off off The Salamander Leader and we leave to free his slave and remain friends all the while.
I go back to the slave and give the key to the slave leader. "ONWARD TO FREEDOM FRIENDS!" and they just kinda mull around the door. You have you're freedom. GO!
Ok fine I'll go first.
That's a lot of dudes. that's a lot of angry dudes. I run back into the room with the slaves. "Ok people, we have a problem. Everyone is trying to murder us." Lets lets just take a nap and think about this...
I gather the party just by the door where ALL the now former slaves are crowded around desperate to get a peek at the quickly ensuing battle. And the combined experience of 6 ninth level adventurers can only tell me one thing. "This is really gonna suck."
I charge in to the battle and immediately start throwing around as many AoE spells as I can and all resistance crumples like a kobold's attempt at engineering, fire included. Well then, that was odd. Perhaps I'm developing an actual infinitesimal amount of competence. I AM SO FREAKING HYPED!!! I go and put on a little song and dance routine with Bard and Assassin just for the poor peasants I just freed. But do to being off the cuff and totally unchoreographed I only end up making a total fool of myself, and finally revealing the secret that Assassin couldn't put on a half competent dance to save his life. Not that his life is very valuable anyways, I do just use him as essentially a piece of glazed meat on a fishing rod to pull monsters and to occasionally bludgeon spouses with while frozen.
I tell the now former slaves that they're free to go and to make their way to Kuldahar. The long arduous 3 day hike through the most untamed land in the realms that is filled to the brim with some of the most dangerous beasts in the world: Trolls, giants, wolves, orcs and super squirrels, especially that last one.
Cleric leans over to Berserker and whispers
"We're never going to see any of them alive again, are we?"
"Nope."
We look around the room one last time and find a book titled "Suspension Bridges and the Convenient and Expedient Repair of Such"
It's stuff like this that really keeps me from totally dismissing divine intervention because that is just to damned convenient for words.
We go back to the decrepit suspension bridge with book in tow and suddenly realize. None of us have had the proper schooling and training for repairing this thing. And the books filled with complex equations and lingo that no one in the party can understand. Wait, no. Never mind, we have a dwarf. All dwarves and gnomes have mandatory engineering degrees. And somehow he completely repairs the bridge with nothing but a shield and an axe.
We go into the Ice Cave across the bridge. I explore a bit and I find a room in the filled with skeletons and baby Ice Dragons. I loot the skeletons of the valuable gear that they are clearly not using. One of the ice dragons introduces itself as Frostbite. How creative, I think as I look at the icicles he calls teeth. I ask him a few simple questions like, who and what is he, who's in charge and if he's the reason for all the skeletons. As it so turns out he is. I decide not to attack them because baby dragons come from dragon eggs, and dragon eggs come from adult dragons and I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY don't want to piss off a dragon. That's just bad news all over.
I go back a bit and go through a tunnel to a new area with a MASSIVE FREAKIN' SKELETON right in front of my face. Oh please, oh please, oh please be the parent to those little squeaking, winged, frost geckos. Some murders and exploring later I find an old woman in an encampment underneath the skeletons spine.
She introduces herself as Kontik and we chat a bit before she reveals that she was the superior to the Auril priest that we killed back at the place with Mr.SpecKni. To be completely honest I totally forgot about her. Well, It's still Six against one so even if she does cast Choas it shouldn't be too hard. That's about the time she summons a couple of eldritch knights. Dammit this is what happened last time. I didn't learn any lessons at all. I beat them by separating the knights from Kontik and then taking pot shots at her from range after I had killed the knights. I would have figured that evil knights made of unholy energy and their summoner would have put up a better fight but then again Auril might have just set them up to die. She's a bitch like that.
I continue exploring and Come across an Ice Giant.
"Hello Mr. Ice Giant, are you going to use that 200 pound axe to pound me into a slightly frozen red stain on the ice?"
"Not right now no, but don't push your luck."
"GREAT!"
I stumble upon the group of slaves that are being given to the ice dragons to eat. They predictably ask me to save them. O.K. I'm willing to piss off a bunch of Ice Salamanders content with the knowledge that if I start a fire they can't get to me. But killing a baby dragon, whose parents might still be alive and very much vengeful AND the Ice Giants that are currently surrounding us with their numerous attack wolves, AND the fact that you lot could very well get caught in the crossfire and die horribly anyways. Those aren't good odds. Yeah, you losers are one you're own. I suggest running when they throw you to the thing cause its less than 40 feet from the entrance.
Don't give me that look I never said I was doing a good playthrough.
They also told me that the Jarl killed his father for his current position of power and its somewhat dishonorable. I go and find and confront said jarl and call him out on it. He replies that it is true and gives the pendant he killed his father for. O.K. that was easy.
I exit the caves and decide to sit and speculate on Ice Giants psychology for a while.
All objections have been duly noted.
The party manages to beat him down after a surprisingly difficult fight. I explore some and fight a few golems and salamanders that are more irritating than difficult. However after I had rested Randall came up to my party and buried his sword in Cleric again. IS THIS GOING TO BE A THING?! IS THIS A THING, RANDALL? I beat him down again and continue to explore. Bait- I mean Assassin comes across a little deep gnome girl with a key necklace and decide to talk to her. She gives me a sad expression and I notice that her tongue has been cut out.
... Who. Did this. To you?
She points at a nearby tower where some archers are taking potshots at anything that comes near. She gives me the key and the party enters into the tower. The fight goes pretty well it isn't to difficult but I had cast Cloud of Pestilence and the fight had ended before it dispersed so the little girl comes in the tower thanks me then walks into the glowing blue cloud of death and dies! NO NO!!! NOOO! RELOAD THE SINS AWAY! RELOAD THE SINS AWAAAAY!
I do the entire thing all over again but don't use any lingering spells. Oh god that was traumatizing. But I did manage to stop some of the mindless slaughter of these gnomes.
I explore some more and find a gem-cutter who tells us that the person who enslaved the gnomes was Marketh. Alright we have a name. Let's go. The party decides that going through the front door of the evil pseudo-ruler of Dorn's Deep is a bad idea and go into the lower mines. We fight past some salamanders and come across a gnome resistance leader. He asks us to kill the Salamander king so he can lead his people away from this lava filled hell. You know what, Sure I'll help. I've already pissed off the blue salamanders I might as well make sure that both clans are out for my blood.
The party continues and ends up in a massive lake of lava. Dang... It's a good thing this deep under ground crack into the earths mantle is well ventilated. Otherwise the incredible temperatures and pressures as well as the horrifyingly toxic fumes would have killed off the gang in seconds. This place is conveniently ventilated... Right? I'll worry about possible brain damage later. There's an angry fire giant telling me to go jump in a pit of lava. Right... Are you going to get pissed off at me if I walk past you? No? Ok then I'll just explore some and try not to cause trouble. I fight my past a few elementals and proceed up a hill and across a bridge. A bridge that will become a thing of legends later. To a creepy entrance of some strange ritual site. Oh goddammit not another summoning cult. And this one looks legit too. It's got sacrifices and everything, and... and...
... that is a lot of skeletons. I mean a whole lot. This is probably a small towns worth of people that have been resurrected. RETREAT!!! The party runs outside only to meet about 2 dozen angry fire giants that aggroed and spawned outside the temple for some reason. Somehow managing to remain calm, I remember everything this game has taught me and I run back inside the temple to try and create an opening that the party can run through. As luck would have it all the giants follow the party inside the temple. I retreat back outside and JUST manage to squeak out a Haste before running the party across the bridge to create the perfect choke point. While the rest of the party makes preparations I have Berzerker take point on the bridge as to what I assume to be his first death in the run through. I shit you not. Berzerker holds the line.
If you have a preferred song of pure kickass for those special moments of undiluted awesome, use it now. I used Forces from the berzerk anime.
What happened next was the most badass fight I have yet to participate in. It took about 15 minutes, exhausted every spell that my party had. With Berzerker tanking the entire front, and everyone else providing artillery support. I really don't have the words to properly describe it. Even the aftermath doesn't do what had just happened here justice.
I decide to call it here and give Berzeker a well earned break after giving Tempus himself a run for his money in terms of combat achievement
Congratulations on your victory over the fire giants.
I have the party move back into the old temple filled with undead only to see a familiar face, well necromatic calcium in the form of a skull but I don't tell Randall that. I comes up to me says something about honor and the party kicks him back into pieces. I have Assassin scout out ahead, and I know it's really lame to complain about monster numbers per map this late in the game but, this is just absurd there must be at least fifty mobs in this one map. I mean there's got to be limits and my PC even stuttered a little. THIS SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN!
My brilliant tactical plan is to quite literally spend the next four in game days going in to the temple, saying hi to Randall, killing Randall, kiting a dozen skeletons, running out of the temple, killing them and finally resting. Whist having Assassin act as bait I stumble across some clerics in magic shells, one of them introduces himself as Brother Perdiem. After giving some vague warnings and cryptic smugness he tells me to go off and suck my blade. Unfortunately I misheard him and stuck my blade in his face. I killed the other clerics and all the slightly shivering bones and clattering armor of a determined former Randall suddenly went dead still. It was a bit sad seeing the remains of a once proud knight that had been abandoned by his god and abused by those he trusted. He may haven been an annoying enemy, but maybe in another time and another place. We could have been allies.
As I was pondering mortality and the random events of the universe that we feebly try and forge into an explanation for our existence and suffering the idol that I didn't notice turned 3 of my party members to stone. HELM!!! *EXPLETIVE*!!!! *EXPLETIVE*!!!!
I reload, kill all the clerics again and kick Randall's bones into a corner. Ok I think I have a Potion of Mirror Eyes around here. Check the potion bag, Nope. Check the Bag of Holding, Nope. Check all characters inventory, NOPE!
*Whilst the myconid is enjoying a rage fueled rant on a great variety of topics that is too profane to actually write down please enjoy this flashback*
about 2 weeks ago back in Kuldahar
"My potion back is full and I do have a lot of potions that I never use, I might as well sell a few that I know I won't need. Potion of Mirror Eyes? When am I ever going to need that?"
*meanwhile back in the dungeon*
AND CIRCLING ALL THE WAY BACK TO MY ORIGINAL ARGUMENT, HOW DOES A STATUE EVEN PETRIFY PEOPLE!!! Deep breaths, deep breaths... Ok. Lets think about this. Is anyone here opposed to cannon fodder? No, I'm not talking about you Bait, er Assassin. I then summon a bunch of level 1 mooks and use them as cannon fodder while I have the rest of the party bow and arrow the idol to death. How you manage to break a stone or metal statue with bolts, rocks and arrows I don't know but I won't question what works.
I activate some things near the top of the map I thought they were loot containers but they weren't. This makes myconids cry. I continue on and start the assault on Marketh's Palace. I am greeted with a pleasant surprise I find a off-shoot of my own Orange Cap colony. What on earth are they doing here. Guys, I cleared a path go back to the main colony. Uh, kinda getting a little threatening. What's with those looks...
One painful battle later...
Oh god, they petrified the sporelings. They killed them. How. how could they... Marketh will pay
Yeah that's really badass
Wandering around some more I find a dark elf. She introduces herself as Ginafae. She tells me that she "belongs" to Marketh and that he abuses her relentlessly. All right. That's it. I'm well and truely mad now. Marketh is going to die. I meet Cook in the kitchen. Not sure if Cook his his name or his title. Probably both. Considering that both Berzerker, Cleric and Bard are perpetually hungry I decide too go rooting through is cabinets much to his loud protests. I have Bard knock him out with her lute to shut him up.
After rudely rifling through his pantry all I can find is a large sack of potatoes. I weigh the pros and cons of taking a burlap sack of potatoes. They are heavy and I can hit someone really hard with it. But on the other hand I hate potatoes and I think they are the worst vegetable in existence. I decide to leave them, Why on earth would I take a sack of rotting potatoes? I go up to the next level and get ambushed by some Rogues. They were hardly a big deal save their ability to turn invisible in the shadows. I need to get Assassin to do that more. I decide to clear out the map before confronting Marketh. I don't usually consider myself the incarnation of the god of justice's divine wrath on this sinful earth who goes around hitting people with an oversized sharpened chunk of steel that glows with a holy light. But in the case of this slaving, torturing, mutilating, child enslaving, sporling killing, woman beating excuse of a human being. Well, lets just say that Berzerkers rage got the better of him.
One hell of a bloody mess later, I take Markeths token and tell Ginafae that the bastard is dead. She doesn't take it well. I go back to the massacre room and into the artisan's district. There's not much to say about here. Annoying traps, annoying umber hulks and annoying minotaurs. Though I did find a dead paladin and took his sword.
I come across a greenhouse. Not sure how that works underground but I'll roll with it. I enter and immediately get attacked by some umber hulks. you know now that their confusion effect doesn't last 10 FREAKING MINUTES, they're not that bad to deal with.
I search the area some and come across another Dark elf named Malavon. I tells me he'll have his golems squish all the blind gnomes in front of them if we step any closer. I manage to worm the command word to shut off the golems. I don't know where I got that information from but I did. He teleports around but provides very little trouble after I get a dispell magic off on him. I then loot the place and nick a lot of very nice spells and stuff. Whilst making my way back to Lower Dorn's Deep to investigate a elevator I found. I get accosted by some Salamanders who tell us off for entering Marketh's palace. One of them happens to be the Salamander King that a gnome asked me to kill. Well, lets kill 2 salamanders with one sword now, shall we. A few freezing murders later I inform the gnome that his oppressors have been killed and he's on the way to freedom.
Completing a lot of objectives the party decides to take a rest.
...
...
...
...
Of course I went back and killed Malavon's golems for the EXP. Do you think I'm mad?
Anyways. The party makes their way back to the Oubliette. And I will totally admit that I had to google what the hell that actually was. I go down and a gnome confronts Barbarian and accuses him of being in cahoots with Marketh. I tell him that I put a sword, mace and several arrows in Marketh's various organs and bits that give a satisfying squish when you hit it really hard. I manage to convince him but I'm certain he's skeptical of our intent. He tells me that his clan needs some help clearing out the way to his village and I might get on his good side if I help out. Taking the hint that was about as subtle as the grill of a oncoming semi-truck at highway speeds. I wander down and see what's causing all the trouble. Oh, giant beetles the size of said semi. Bard, remembering all the way back to her first encounter with over-sized beetles promptly freaks out. Doesn't really matter much considering that the party just range attacked them to death before they could move. Get ambushed by some Umber Hulks, nothing particularly bad, mostly annoying. Entering I get approached by another gnome demanding what I'm doing here. I tell him I cleared the path for him amongst other things, he begrudgingly lets me go. I go and talk to a guy named Nym. He tells me that he got a load of awesome weapons by stealing from some elves in a giant hand shaped castle and made a ton of profit by selling them to the goblins and orcs and goblins, and that he'd be willing to sell me what he had left.
...
Nym... are you... are you telling me that you are, solely and personally responsible for ALL of my problems in the Ten Towns. Tens of thousands of deaths can be traced back to you. The destruction of the ONLY elven and dwarven alliance shattered because you wanted some extra gold. Literally thousands are dead and what could have been the greatest time of prosperity for The Dale was cut short because of you. And without that alliance and the elves vigilance even greater evils have taken hold over this land. Hrothgar DIED because of this! I've ran my ass all over this place fixing every problem that can be traced back to you. Quite literally every single god-damned thing wrong with this place is entirely your fault.
I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL #$(^!&@ KILL YOU! EVERYTHING WRONG IN THE DALE IS YOUR FAULT!!! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!? RAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!! MURDER, DEATH, KILL!!! MURDER, DEATH, KILL!!!
No, no this isn't right. This isn't fair. How could he have possibly known. Lets calm down and think about this rationally. I decide got go through is ware and buy what I want. Bought some birds and. Dear god. He's got caged squirrels, how? When? Where? More importantly, HOW? I buy them, immediate. These invincible super squirrels will be my shock troops during the final battle! I buy everything else I can use off of him. O.K. where was I? Oh right.
MURDER, DEATH, KILL! MURDER, DEATH, KILL! Nym realizing the error of his ways tries to teleport out, however Berzerker had already one hit Nym into chunky salsa by the time his spell went off the only thing that got transported were fist sized chunks of problem causing drow.
I explore some more find some guy named Dirty Llew. Not sure how to respond to that one. Go through is stuff, buy some things. Have Clermage slap the daylights out of him when he tries something lecherous. I go to the temple and chat up Beorn some more. He thanks me for saving Guello from the salamanders netting me a nifty bit of EXP.
Deciding that my work here is done, and Nym reminding me that I have unfinished buisness at the Severed Hand, I promptly shirk off all of my pressing problems and immediate duties to got talk to dead elves some more. Half way there I got attacked by some ice goblins which Cleric then made into pies. You know if you can stand the after taste goblin pies aren't that bad. I decide to call it a night.
Hopefully there will be more installments to come!
After an extremely long hellish march through the ice and snow. The party finally arrives once again to the severed hand. One of its finger spires collapsed and leaving rubble over the landscape. Sparse vegetation poking through patches in the snow. We fight our way past some ghostly stragglers that managed to survive our initial onslaught. Upon making it to the the third floor where the Hand separates into the finger towers. I take my charge to a halt.
...
"Which one of these is the right one?" Uhh... That one! Nope, Nothing up that one but spiders... Alright, lets move on to the next tower. Nope still, floating chunks of brick and stone, how do those even stay up there anyways... Ok next tower. I climb to the top and find the arboretum with the garden elf. Garden elf walks up to me and thanks me for the stray animals I have rescued and takes my birds and squirrels.
OI! Those are my shock troopers. Garden elf thanks me for restoring the garden to it's former glory. He then promptly releases the squirrels and the birds. Berserker panics and runs all the way down back to the bar to ethereally drink away the the ethereal memories of very real squirrels. Scream all the way "YOU FOOL! You've doomed us all!"
The rest of the party exasperatedly follows Berserker back down to the bar where he is repeatedly downing empty ale mugs. The party drags him away from the bar and continues up to the last tower. I meet the ghost librarian again and ask him how he's doing. He proceeds to yell at me for causing noise and still refuse to believe that he's dead. You know what let him believe what he wants I've got to go see Shad-Li, and show him his daughters journal. As I go up the stairs I notice that there has been some major remodeling done to Shade-Li's room. He built a giant stage... That he's currently standing on... and does... does anyone else hear music?
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Slim Shade-Li please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Shade-Li please stand up?
We're gonna need a paladin here..
Y'all act like you never seen a skeleton before
Spells all over the floor like Jan and Orrick just burst in the door
And started casting their spells worse than before
Protection spells prepared, with a giant fireball in store (Ah!)
It's the return of the... "oh, whoops, no: that’s the wrong spell"
"He didn't just cast that Disintegrate, did he?"
And Hrothgar said... nothing, you idiots!
Hrothgar's dead, he's a golem in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Tempus' women hate Shade-Li
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]
"Slim Shade- Li, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walking around casting his who-knows-what
Cursing the Severed Hand. "Yeah, and he's undead too!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of bones up in my skull loose
But no worse, than what's going on in Marketh’s bedrooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on The Hand and just let loose, but can't
But it's cool for Frostbeard to kill his own dad?
"My spell has just fizzled, my spell has just fizzled."
And I’m unlucky because I just took a little crit.
And that's the spells that we show to little kids
And expect them not to know what a mages fireball is
Of course they gonna know what sorcery is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Dragon Disciples , don't they?
"We ain't nothing but clerics." Well, some of us Cyric’s
Who cheese confusion like its valid [DAMMIT!]
But if we can chunk Salamanders and Myconids
Then there's no reason that a thief and sorcerer can't evoke
[*awww.*] But if you set off a trap, I got the antidote
Druids wave your quarter-staves, incant your spells: Roll your saves!
'Cause I'm Slim Shade- Li, yes I'm the real Shade- Li
All you other Slim Shade-Li’s are just Necromancin'
So won't the real Slim Shade- Li please cast Knock, please cast Knock,
Please cast Knock.
[Eminem]
El-min don't gotta cuss in his chants to cast magic;
Well I do, so Luck him and Luck you too!
You think I give a damn about a Pally?
Half of you clerics can't even stomach me, let alone turn me
"But Slim, what if they do, what would happen then?"
What? You think I can actually die?
And come back as a ghost like Mr. SpecKni?
Yo shit Oswald better switch with-
uhhm... Hello again adventurers. Shouldn't you be in Dorn's Deep?
Yes we should but we found this and decided that you might want it. The party gives Slim Shade-Li his daughters journal and patiently waits for him to read through years worth of entries in what would be a massive breach of privacy.
Shade-Li looks at me and says that he's been wrong about the dwarves and that he realizes he's been a horrible excuse for a person, and that he'll spend the rest of eternity making up for his racism and to bring the rest of the undead elves to the afterlife.
Yay, I solved racism.
SEND ME TO DORN'S DEEP!!!! Again...