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Life and Times of a Bhaalspawn

OnestepOnestep Member Posts: 225
Based on no particular Bhaalspawn, but I like to think everyone's thought of something along these lines at least once.

Narrator: Hey there, Billy! Do you want to be CHARNAME, a Bhaalspawn of incredible power?

Billy: Do I ever! That sounds neato!

Narrator: Great! The first thing you need to know is that your daddy is Bhaal, God of Death and Murder!

Billy: Wowzers!

Narrator: AND DADDY HATES YOU

Billy: W-what?

Narrator: The sole purpose of your creation was to serve as a sacrifice to empower his resurrection.

Billy: Then what about my mummy?

Narrator: She also hates you, and if things had gone as Bhall originally planned, would have been the one sacrificing you.

Billy: Oh...

Narrator: Not to worry, Billy! You get an awesome adoptive father, who guides and teaches you!

Billy: Yay!

Narrator: And who is then killed by your brother. Who hates you.

Billy: Nooooooo

Narrator: But don't worry Billy! There's plenty of perks to being CHARNAME, especially for a strapping young man such as yourself. Just look at all these lovely ladies you can romance in the second game! Introduce yourself to them, Billy!

Billy: Hi, I'm Billy.

Jaheira: MY HUSBAND IS DEAD

Billy: Oh...

Jaheira: But CHARNAME is here... Yeeeeeeeeeeessss....

Billy: Uh... I'm not sure I'm comfortable right now.

Jaheira: Young, virile CHARNAME....

Billy: I-I need an adult.

Jaheira: I AM AN ADULT!

Narrator: Haha, that's about enough, you crazy cougar. Perhaps Jaheira isn't quite right for you, Billy. But what about Aerie?

Aerie: Hi there! I'm cute as a button!

Billy: Uh, I guess you are.

Aerie: Oh, you said it. You just admitted I'm cute.

Billy: I guess I did?

Aerie: Well, now I'm going to fawn over you and make you deal with all my crushing self-esteem problems for the next fifteen hours.

Billy: W-what?

Aerie: SAY YOU LOVE ME OR I LEAVE THE PARTY

Narrator: Alright, so maybe Aerie isn't ideal for you either, Billy. Let's try Viconia.

Viconia: Here's a walkthrough for my romance. Read it.

Billy: But I wanted to play without a walkthrough...

Viconia: Then I'm almost certainly going to leave your party in a huff at some point. On an unrelated note, can you pass me Crom Faeyr?

Billy: Then... If I follow the walkthrough, you won't leave?

Viconia: Yeah, sure.

Billy: OK! I can work with this!

Narrator: That's great, Billy! You've found love!

Billy: Yay!

Narrator: Now to make it really hard for you to enjoy that love, I'm going to install Ascension.

Billy: W-what?

Narrator: Don't worry, you won't be affected by it for the next 150 hours at least.

*150 hours later*

Billy: WHAT IS THIS

Narrator: That's the stuff, Billy!

Billy: WHY ARE THERE DRAGONS EVERYWHERE

*190 hours later*

Billy: Well, I made it.

Narrator: Good job, Billy! You've claimed the Throne of Bhaal, and rejected its power to be with your love, Viconia! Don't you feel fulfilled?

Billy: You know, despite how horrifyingly difficult the whole journey was, I do!

Narrator: That's great! By the way, Viconia dies in her epilogue, leaving you to begin a crusade of vengeance.

Billy: W-what?

Narrator: Good job, Billy!

Post edited by Onestep on
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