Plotbreaker and Friends

enqenq · March 2015

Plotbreaker and Friends

enqenq · March 2015

Our first public adventure

DM: The humid swamp air permeates the almost makeshift dwelling you've entered. You are greeted by a woman standing by a cauldron, perhaps an-
Tepp: Alchemist, alchemist! I know where we are!
DM: I haven't exactly been very enigmatic as to your loc-
Tepp: Sendy, try to pickpocket her head.
DM: What.
Sendany: She doesn't seem to be keeping her head in any pocket.
Tepp: Strange.
DM: Very.
Tepp: Okay, let's buy some useful potions and kill her afterwards.
Luna: NO.
Sendany: You want us to buy useless potions and then kill her?
Sendany: Actually, can't we just kill her and TAKE her potions?
Tepp and Luna in complete agreement for completely different reasons: No.
DM: You have no reason to kill her. A wave of guilt washes over the sorcerer for considering such unprovoked-
Tepp: Do you think we'd be so stupid as to take the quest from the Dao first? She'd recognize their smell then.
Luna: Why should we kill her just because there's a quest?
DM: Who said the Dao even have a quest for her?!
Tepp: She's a foul Rakshasa, I promise.
DM: The woman greets the party and inquires as to the nature of their visit.
Luna: I tell her it's wonderful to find someone civilized so far from civilization, and shoot a brief glare at the sorcerer.
Tepp: Sendy, trap the whole room while Luna keeps her busy.
Luna: I am not "keeping her busy", I am-
Tepp: You didn't even hear me say that.
Sendany: This die is weighted, I tell you.
DM: Sendany fumbles a trap and is badly injured.

Tepp: Luna, heal Sendy.
Luna: Since I apparently didn't hear you telling him to trap the room, I'm going to assume that he once again got himself hurt committing larceny. You know the drill, be a lawful thief or suffer awful grief.
Sendany: I know the rhyme, the drill itself eludes me.
DM: The woman is curious as to how Sendany is suddenly injured.
Tepp: Sendy, tell her you wanted to test the quality of her potions.
Luna: No Sendy, admit you were trying to steal from her.
Tepp: You can't blame him, maybe she's keeping her head in a chest somewhere instead.
DM: Upon close assessment, the entire party agrees her head seems to be squarely attached to her shoulders.
Sendany: That can't be, we never agree on anything.
Sendany: I tell her that stupid lie Tepp conjured up.
Sendany: And then I lie again and say I was trying to steal from her.
Sendany: And then I don't blame myself.
Luna: I apologize to the woman for my comrades' behavior-
Tepp: Whoa, whoa? Comrades'? Surely you mean comrade's? Only Sendy has been acting all-
DM: We're actually speaking and not typing, so you can't comment on that.
DM: Also, the woman grows very suspicious of the party and firmly demands they leave.
Tepp: If she hasn't turned hostile, we can try again with the traps.
Luna: I suppose I didn't hear that either.
Tepp: You're so smart, it's a wonder no illithid gourmand has hunted you down yet.
Luna: Sendy, come over here and I'll heal you up.
Luna: And here, a dexterity buff, so nothing goes wrong again.
DM: Not in this edition, you don't.
Tepp: Oh come on, let her.
DM: Fine. However, the woman is growing furious that the party hasn't left. In her rage, her facade shimmers, hinting that she may very well be disguised.
Tepp: Having the highest charisma, I conjure up some bullshit story to placate her.
Luna: While Tepp is busy fumbling for words, I tell Sendy to follow me outside.
Sendany: Which I obviously agree to.
Luna: I tell Sendy to pick the lock on the door so as to actually lock it.
Tepp: Now now, I object-
Luna: You didn't hear that.
Tepp: I hate you.
Sendany: Success.
DM: The woman doesn't seem to fall for the "bullshit story", and it appears she is not alone in the house.
Tepp: Well drat.

enqenq · March 2015

How not to tame your dragon

DM: As the party passes through the lively but shady Copper Coronet, they are approached by a noble who introduces himself as Lord Jierdan Firkraag.
Luna: I introduce us.
Luna: And I remind Tepp not to metagame again.
Tepp: Did not hear.
Luna: Did too.
Sendany: Funny how you two manage to selectively exclude each other but I always hear everything.
DM: The noble says he has heard of your party's skill and wishes to hire your services.
Luna: I tell him that if his cause is just, we require no payment.
Tepp: I tell him that Sendy and I will in fact pay for the privilege of seeing Luna get killed on her own.
DM: The noble argues that he cannot let your service go unrewarded.
Luna: I ask what he wants of us.
DM: He explains that his lands are in danger and that he will pay you 10,000 gold to dispatch the monsters.
Luna: I am overwhelmed by his generosity, but ask specifically what kind of monsters we would be fighting.
Tepp: I convince Sendy that if he has 10,000 gold on him, we should just deprive him of it now.
Sendany: I am convinced.
Sendany: I would have even suggested it myself.
DM: The noble replies that the monsters will be no match for your party.
Luna: I then humbly inquire why he wishes to pay us so much.
DM: He says it's a small price for safety.
Tepp: I ask him for advance payment before we cross Tethyr to reach his barony.
DM: He, uh... he assumes you accept and begins to leave the tavern.
Tepp: What? No. I declare loudly that we won't serve him on his word alone.
DM: Some cleric of Helm overhears you and offers to aid the noble.
Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent.
Tepp: I join in the insulting.
Luna: I tell them both to shut their yaps.
DM: The noble seems adamant that your party perform the task, though the cleric is free to join you.
Sendany: I question the cleric's manhood.
DM: The cleric is angered, and the noble tries to sneak away while everyone's eyes are on the cleric.
DM: The cleric threatens to strike Sendy down.
Luna: I apologize to the cleric.

Tepp: While Waffles isn't paying attention, I intercept the noble and demand advance payment.
DM: He is willing to pay you 600 gold, and raise your final reward to 12,000, but he has to leave.
Tepp: I tell him I don't think he has that much gold, and that we will never come to his aid.
DM: He, uh, gives you 5,000 gold, a final offer of advance payment. Then he leaves.
Tepp: No he doesn't. I say the whole tavern saw him hand over that much gold.
DM: ...everyone was paying attention to the angry cleric.
Sendany: Nah, I totally called it out when I saw that giant purse with thousands of gold in it.
DM: Fine, the whole tavern saw it.
Tepp: Especially that angsty dwarf.
DM: Yes, especially that angsty dwarf I never even mentioned to you was there.
Tepp: I assault the noble.
Sendany: I cry out for every lowlife thug in the tavern to join us.
DM: ...nobody wishes to...
Tepp: Yeah right, nobody in the Copper Coronet wishes to rob the man blind.
DM: Fine, some ruffians hold him down, but none of you seem able to injure or incapacitate him. You get the feeling you should stop the attack while you can.
Sendany: I commit to the assault with body, mind and soul.
Tepp: I cast Breach on the noble.
DM: *sigh* Breach removes Stoneskin.
DM: The noble no longer seems impervious to the beatings, but nonetheless he is able to withstand a whole lot of it. You begin to suspect he is not human.
Luna: The cleric of Helm and I begin to defend the noble.
Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent again, and then I incite even more thugs to join us.
DM: ...the cleric of Helm gains great strength from this righteous task, becoming an overpowering opponent, and the noble manages to mention he will consider the attempt on his life a mere display of the party's abilities and still considers them hired if they let him go.
Tepp: I cast Magic Missile on the noble.
DM: The noble resists it.
Tepp: Since everyone saw that, I announce loudly that the noble must be a vampire in disguise.
Luna: Silence 15' Radius.
Tepp: Vocalize. Thanks for silencing everyone else.
Tepp: Now that I am the solitary voice in the tavern, I incite even the owner, Lehtinan-
DM: Whom I didn't name.
Tepp: -to join in the attack.
Tepp: I also think that RIGHTEOUS CLERIC should join our side now. Against the vampire.
DM: ...the cleric is unable to make sense of the situation, and leaves to find some guards.
Sendany: You know, I have been stabbing him pretty good now. No human would still be alive.
DM: ...
Luna: I attempt to stop Sendany by force.

Tepp: So how much health has he lost now? Over a hundred.
DM: FINE. The noble transforms into a fucking red dragon, breaking through the ceiling effortlessly, then begins to fly away.
Tepp: He's too injured to fly.
Sendany: Definitely.
DM: He heals himself first.
Tepp: He's silenced. Good job resisting Magic Missile but not that.
DM: He casts Vocalize.
Luna: I am stunned beholding the transformation.
DM: The mob scatters and hides.
Sendany: Hearing Firkraag cast his healing spell after regaining his voice, I insult his accent.
DM: You're silenced.
Sendany: Aww.
Tepp: With no ceiling over our heads, we are considered outdoors but within the city. I cast Resist Fear, partly to help against the dragon, mostly to anger the Cowled Wizards.
DM: ...the Cowled Wizards teleport in and, uh, don't give a damn about the giant red dragon right next to them because you dared cast Resist Fear... okay, I give up.

enqenq · March 2015

Restore Kangaxx' body? Nahh.

DM: You approach the sarcophagus, aware that you are about to commune with the disembodied golden skull for the second time. Somehow, the knowledge feels worse than the shock of the first encounter.
Luna: Why am I still in this group?
Tepp: Because of my uncanny ability to detect shapeshifters, of course.
Luna: Right. And this skull is a what in disguise?
Tepp: Don't care, but it promised us riches.
Sendany: It just doesn't know what happens when you refuse to give advance payment.
Luna: Oh right, we're doing that again. Are you gonna mug the skull?
Tepp: After a fashion...
DM: The skull eagerly asks if you have retrieved its missing body parts.
Tepp: For the record, in the event that we give the skull its limbs and torso, and it turns out to be a powerful villain, the first thing we're gonna do as it rises from the sarcophagus is pen down a lengthy journal entry where we assume we defeated it handily.
DM: Duly noted.
Tepp: I tell the skull we want to see some of the riches.
DM: The skull impatiently implies it might show you some if it had hands.
Sendany: I remind the skull it's in a sarcophagus, not the labyrinth of Undermountain. If there's riches in there, we can surely dig them out ourselves.
Sendany: In fact, why aren't we?
DM: ...much like the previous sarcophagi, you cannot loot this one without its guardian's consent or death.
Tepp: But we can put things in it, right? Else how would we give it the body parts.
DM: Right, you can put things in it.
Tepp: Sir Skull? Where's the treasure?
DM: The skull suspects Luna is a righteous creature, and implores her to do the right thing and end its torment.
Luna: Law says if you're dismembered you should be dead. You're either undead or extraplanar, and those two liches we killed to get these parts didn't bother anyone. There were even people living near one of the sarcophagi. I'm not sure who the bad guy is.
DM: The skull says its treasure is not here, but if it were restored, it could teleport its saviors to it.
Sendany: Okay, it's time to get persuasive.

Tepp: Despite your body being made of pure gold, there's no one who wants to buy it or even take it off our hands for free.
Tepp: You know, probably because it nauseates anyone who touches it.
DM: The skull argues that since it's evidently worthless to you, you have nothing to lose by giving it its body.
Tepp: Ah yes, the classic argument. It's about what it's worth to the buyer, no it's about what it's worth to the seller, and then we debate that back and forth forever.
Luna: Until I am sure you didn't deserve this punishment, I am not sure I want to give you the body parts. I will put you out of your misery if you ask it though.
Sendany: So anyway...
Sendany: You remember how you weren't able to pinpoint the location of these bones, right.
DM: The skull says it's impressed you were able to find them.
Tepp: Yeah, and when we asked where they were, it said its captors weren't very imaginative. Nice try.
Sendany: I'd like to add that between four limbs and a torso, they could be spread in five different locations should someone desire to.
Tepp: And we're adventurers, you know. We end up in all kinds of weird places. We certainly wouldn't hide them in Athkatla.
Sendany: And then there's the fact that nobody wants to touch them even if they were to find them.
Luna: I do my best to ignore the bargaining tactics of my comrades.
Luna: Sir Skull, my offer of merciful death stands. Though perhaps someone can affirm your innocence?
DM: The skull does not offer a convincing response.
Sendany: Time to lighten our load.

Tepp: An abacus, eight rotten eggs, Neera's pile of rocks, The History of Halruaa, Neeber's bullets, Neeber's corpse, Illithid Correspondence, a score of garden rakes-
Luna: What are you doing?
Tepp: I'm putting some treasure in the sarcophagus so Sir Skull can actually pay his next group of lackeys.
DM: You can't put-
Tepp: Can't put anything but the body parts in there? Get bent, you said we can put things in the sarcophagus. These are things.
Sendany: Sweaty underwear, debris from the Copper Coronet, Lilarcor, twelve pounds of fur tufts, the sword that woman-voiced ogre wanted, those dryad acorns-
DM: STOP! Cries the skull. It is infuriated.
Sendany: But how does Lilarcor feel about it?
Tepp: Wellyn's Doll, Waffles' cockroach collection-
Luna: I do not have a cockroach collection.
Tepp: Not anymore.
Sendany: Maybe we should put one arm in there so it can flip the pages of the book.
DM: The skull says you should put all the pieces in now, or it will cause you eternal suffering once it's released.
Tepp: Ohh, that sounded hostile. A bit over the top, too. Even you must agree, Waffles.
Luna: You're being childish. I take no part in this.
Luna: Also, see if I ever care that you "can't spare the space or encumbrance" to carry anything again.
Sendany: Let's see if we can crack the skull.
Sendany: Aww, my weapons don't work.
Tepp: Spells don't work.
Tepp: Okay, let's just cut a lot of crap and skip to me figuring out to use Melf's Minute Meteors.
DM: Whatever.
DM: The skull cuts a lot of crap and gives you the ring.
Tepp: Sweet. Let's keep our eyes open for places to dump these body parts.
DM: The skull hates you only slightly less than I do.

enqenq · March 2015

The nascent dragon harassment industry

DM: Cradled in the statue's arms, the party finds another Sun Gem. The knowledge that they can now dispel the third Shadow Barrier fills the party with-
Tepp: Actually, we want to dispel the second barrier.
DM: But it won't work on the second barrier.
Tepp: What kind of scrubby discriminative gem is this?
DM: Insulting the gem won't help.
DM: Why do you want to dispel the barrier you can circumvent anyway, instead of the one you can't?
Luna: I've found great peace in asking him as little as possible...
Tepp: I WANT TO DISPEL THE SECOND BARRIER!
DM: Well fine! The moron sorcerer dispels the slightly inconveniencing barrier. Now the adventure is broken.
Tepp: Okay Sendy, your turn.
Sendany: We head back to Athkatla and hire a large construction team.
Sendany: And buy a lot of materials.
Sendany: And haul everything into that dungeon.
Luna: So this is what we were saving for that was more important than Imoen??
Tepp: Shut up Waffles, you'll like it.
DM: Okay, you now have a construction team and a giant heap of wood, nails and stone, but still no third Sun Gem.
Tepp: Don't forget the giant ladders.
Sendany: I order the team to chip down the walls around the barrier.
Sendany: It can't expand forever, you know.
DM: Actually, it can.
Sendany: Okay, then we have them chip until that barrier encircles Abeir-Toril like a second equator.
DM: Fine, it can't. The barrier is stretched thin and dissipates. Congratulations. You've now spent 30,000gp to repair the broken adventure.
Tepp: We proceed.

DM: Before you stands a shadow dragon, a powerful agent of darkness. The party feels safe knowing that the wardstone will prevent the wyrm from harming them.
Tepp: Just what are the conditions?
DM: If you attack it, the stone's magic is nullified.
Tepp: But if we don't attack it, it can't harm us?
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: And the stone protects everyone in the room?
DM: Um... it protects everyone you consider a friend or ally.
Tepp: Okay. We proceed to fight the Shade Lord.

The party kicks aforementioned villain's ass.

DM: The Shade Lord is beaten within an inch of his life, his altar is destroyed, and his minions vanquished.
DM: What do you do?
Sendany: We leave him there. I trap the exit so he has to stay.
Sendany: My traps will consider anyone but us hostile. They're that smart. No one will sneak in and finish the job.
DM: ...okay. But the darkness persists with him alive.
Tepp: Big deal. So long as he lives, the dragon has to stay.
DM: Correct.
Sendany: We order the construction team to build us a house atop the dragon's lair.
DM: What the fuck.
Luna: Please do not bother building a room for me. I have had it with you two.
Tepp: Fewer to split the profit with.
Luna: What possible profit could be involved in this??? Sales pitch of the year: Buy a house where you can empty your chamberpot on a shadow dragon, enjoy perpetual darkness, leagues away from civilization, with a dangerous climb- oh, and your one neighbor is an evil spectre.
Tepp: Nah, we'll kill him when the house is done.
Luna: Sendy. Tell me how you intend to profit from this.
Tepp: I thought we had a tacit agreement to not abuse Sendy's blind obedience.
Luna: Tacit agreements are not legally binding, dimwit.
Sendany: Well you see, with the house atop, the dragon can't leave without causing us harm. Ergo, it can't leave at all.
Luna: And the profit happens when?
Sendany: Now we just invite every moron in the world who wants to verbally harass a dragon to do so for a reasonable fee.
Sendany: I mean, we'll be alone in the business. Of course our fee will be reasonable; it will be the exact average.
DM: No.
Tepp: We're not breaking any rules here.
DM: You consider the construction workers your allies or friends, else the dragon kills them.
Tepp: Well duh.
DM: One of them drops his hammer. It lands squarely on the dragon's head.
DM: Upon understanding the danger, several of the construction workers flee toward the Shade Lord's door, triggering every trap and dying.
Tepp: Well drat.
Tepp: Loot them and run.
Luna: I think the reason illithid gourmands haven't hunted me down for my brain is they are terrified of getting anywhere near yours.

enqenq · March 2015

Plotbreaking is for everyone

Luna: Listen up, twerps. I decide our next adventure and you do nothing without my express permission, or I leave.
Tepp: Hmf.
Sendany: I wonder if more dragons have wardstones...
Luna: Do we have an agreement?
Tepp/Sendany: Fine.
Luna: Good.
Luna: I've calculated that if we postpone paying certain fines for incidents at the Copper Coronet, and Sendany immediately ceases trying to establish his Morning Star +pi/6 monopoly, and-
Sendany: Aww, and I had nearly cornered the market.
Luna: And I... and I don't buy any chocolate this month, then we'll have enough gold to rescue Imoen.
Tepp: Not sure I want to rescue her. She might agree with you on... certain points.
Luna: By certain, you mean all.
Tepp: Yeah whatever. Let's go then. To the Graveyard District.
Luna: By Elminster's balls, no. We're not working for vampires.
Sendany: This is getting worse by the minute.
Sendany: Who the hell wants to work with thieves??
Luna: In case you can't remember what's happened over the past minute, we agreed it was my decision.

DM: You hand over the gold to Gaelan Bayle, and he gives you a key without even explaining where to find the door for it.
Sendany: See, that's some businessman. Charging us 15 grand for a potentially useless key.
Tepp: Wonder if anyone will pay that much for this depleted wardstone.
Sendany: Can I steal our gold back?
Luna: No.
Luna: To the Docks District.
DM: After staring at a wall for a minute, you discover a secret door which your key unlocks.
Luna: We enter.
DM: After the party enters, the thieves decide their secret door should now stay open forever.
DM: Eventually, the party finds the Shadowmaster, Aran Linvail.
DM: He explains that he's a shady businessman and that your gold won't be enough to get you to Imoen.
DM: He does, however, give you two magical items that you would have gladly paid 15 grand for anyway.
Luna: What are they?
DM: A Ring of Protection +2 and an Amulet of Power.
Luna: Dibs on both.
Tepp: Hold on here-
Luna: If I can't have chocolate, I want jewelry.
Tepp: It's your own fault you can't have chocolate.
Luna: Yeah, I spent 15 grand to rescue Imoen whereas you two blew 30 on building a house on top of a dragon's lair.
Luna: Either way, I take the items, and since you can't do anything without my express permission, you can't take them from me.
Tepp: Yeah, you need that amulet because you can't cast Negative Plane Protection.
Luna: And you can't cast Vocalize.
Luna: Or Protection From Magical Weapons.
Tepp: Robe of Vecna plus my future Improved Alac-
Luna: THE AMULET IS MINE SHUT UP.

DM: For the first task, you need to protect a shipment.
DM: It is being received by a Shadow Thief named Mook.
DM: You chat with her and then a vampire shows up and kills her.
DM: You learn his name being Lassal without him introducing himself, and make a mental note to flaunt that knowledge later.
Luna: And then we kick his bloodsucking ass.

The party easily defeats Lassal.

DM: He's destroyed.
Luna: I suppose we should bring this shipment to Aran.
Luna: Actually, I inspect the shipment.
DM: It contains wooden stakes.
Tepp: Order of the Stick 2: Guardians of the Sticks.
Luna: We bring it back to Aran, but I offer to keep the shipment since obviously it's gonna be us killing vampires as long as he doesn't equip his thieves well enough to damage them at all.
Tepp: In fact, one would think that if the vampires attacked the guildhouse, they would win effortlessly.
Tepp: Especially if their leader did it.
Sendany: Why do I get the feeling that that doesn't happen?
Luna: Being a cleric, I will even consecrate the stakes to improve them.
DM: Uh, Aran agrees.

DM: Aran asks that you stalk two defectors and learn what you can about the rival guild.
Luna: To the Bridge District.
DM: You find the defectors, and they question your presence.
Luna: (Horsebreath, lie and say we're defectors too.)
Tepp: (Why are you calling me Horsebreath??)
Luna: (DO IT.)
Tepp: We're defecting as well.
Tepp: Pay no mind to the fact that two of us don't even look like thieves.
DM: The defectors don't believe you, but one of them reveals the name of their contact out of nervousness: Gracen.
Luna: Okay, we kick their asses.
DM: The party wins handily, and the contact shows up shortly thereafter, questioning the mess.
Luna: Horsebreath lies and says they were spies.
Tepp: Apparently so.
Luna: And mentions the contact's name to add credibility.
Tepp: Sure do.
DM: The contact believes you and asks you to follow him.
DM: You feel this would be a great time to say something suspicious.
Luna: No, we don't.
Tepp: Actually, we do.
Luna: If you think so, then we sure as hell don't.
DM: But you could impress him with knowing Lassal's name.
Tepp: Yes, we wouldn't just be the new kids, we'd be-
Luna: We say nothing.
Sendany: (Can I at least insult his accent?)
Luna: (No.)
Tepp: (Can I grope him with one of Kangaxx' arms?)
Luna: (No.)
Sendany: (Can I question his manhood?)
Luna: (NO. SHUT UP.)
DM: Uh, okay. The contact leads you to the Graveyard District and then through the crypts to the vampires' lair.

Luna: Upon arrival, I demand to speak to whoever's in charge.
DM: It appears Bodhi is not around.
Tepp: I bet if we head back to Aran, he will say she was just there, yet no matter what path we take she'll have eluded us.
DM: Also it appears her subjects are not too comfortable with a good-aligned cleric making demands.
Luna: Who's second in command?
DM: Lassal appears.
Luna: Oh, this is awkward.
Luna: We totally took the shipment so now Aran has no stakes to threaten you with. We're very cunning, no?
Tepp: (Because apparently in fantasy worlds, it's a work of art to craft a pointy stick.)
Lassal: Very.
Lassal: Could have also just, you know, not done anything and let me take it.
Luna: Riiiight.
Luna: I see why you are an authority around here.
Luna: Aaaanyway... we're totally on your side. I just wanted this necklace off Aran.
Lassal: Okay.
Lassal: If you're totally on our side, go wipe out the Shadow Thieves.
Luna: Er, no.
Luna: They're gonna help us get to Imoen, and I hate vampires more than I hate thieves.
Tepp: (You're a bit new to this lying thing, aren't you?)
Luna: (NO SWEETS, NO WITS.)
Luna: Um, anyway. Turn Undead.

The party fights the vampires and wins with some difficulty.

DM: Having cleared out the lair and permanently killed some of the vampires, you have drawn Bodhi's attention.
DM: Bodhi explains that the Shadow Thieves are in fact jerks.
Luna: *gasp*
Luna: I knew it.
Tepp: She finally finished babbling so we can fight, and then you start???
Luna: But Aran is a JERK.
Tepp: (Do you still want the gifts the jerk gave you?)
Luna: (MINE.)
Sendany: I would assume that given a sugar rush, you would realize Bodhi is a jerk too.
Luna: Sounds about right...
Luna: We fight.

The party defeats Bodhi.

DM: Bodhi decides she has diplomatic immunity against further combat and leaves after a few choice words about how she's not afraid of you.
Luna: No.
Luna: All vampires must die.
DM: Uh, she left.
Luna: Did not. You don't get to decide that we just stand there slackjawed letting her leave.
Luna: Turn Undead. She's too weak to resist.
Tepp: Look, if you are worried about ME breaking plots-
Luna: If YOU want to spare her then I definitely want to kill her.
DM: ...okay. Bodhi is destroyed and retreats to her coffin. But you don't have a stake left, so you decide to leave.
Sendany: Nah, I imagine she keeps her own stakes around to threaten her subjects with.
Sendany: Oh look, I found one.
DM: ...she has enchanted that stake to not work on herself.
Tepp: The hell she has. I detect no enchantments on it.
Luna: Dispel Magic. Times three.
DM: Okay fine. But do you REALLY want to kill her?
DM: I'm just saying, it could prove counterproductive.
Luna: Oh please, she's Aran's secret lover? I mean I hate the jerk, but what better way to ensure his aid than a decisive victory?
Luna: For lack of chocolate and additional jewelry, I go with VIOLENCE.
Luna: I stake the bitch.
DM: ...Bodhi dies.

DM: The party returns to tell Aran of their success.
Tepp: Hold on here. Can we not reach Aran immediately? Let's say we're on that last bridge.
DM: If the lady approves...
Luna: Why do you want us to be there?
Tepp: Well, we've been walking through that narrow corridor and I wanna stretch a bit. Flail my staff around.
Sendany: That sounds great, I need to shake the claustrophobia too.
Luna: Fine, whatever.
Tepp: I know you're mad with Aran, perhaps so mad you might attack him?
Luna: Perhaps.
Tepp: That sounds like a good reason for anyone watching us to stay really close so-
DM: Um, there's a thud as Tepp's staff strikes something invisible.
Sendany: I throw one of Kangaxx' legs down the hole.
DM: The golden leg clangs against the metal, drowning out the cry of a falling man.
Luna: What just happened?
Luna: Wow, you were supposed to hide them outside Athkatla. That's like in the same district instead. Good job. Maybe put the torso behind the sarcophagus next.
Tepp: I give Sendany a Kangaxx high five.
Luna: Weirdos.
Luna: Are we done stretching?

DM: Aran is overjoyed to hear of the decisive victory, and promises you his full cooperation.
Luna: I angrily point out that he's a jerk.
DM: Aran says that you should trust a vampire's words even less than a thief's.
Luna: IS HE OR IS HE NOT A JERK.
DM: He admits he may be to some degree a jerk.
Luna: YES OR NO.
DM: Yes.
Luna: DOES THE JERK HAVE MORE JEWELRY FOR ME.
DM: No.
Luna: DOES HE HAVE CHOCOLATE.
DM: No, but he points out that being a jerk is not illegal.
Luna: WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD CHOCOLATE FOR A MONTH, I DECIDE WHAT'S ILLEGAL.
Luna: CRY HAVOC.
DM: You really don't want to be doing this.
DM: The sorcerer feels he needs to break the agreement and stop the cleric before she makes a grave mistake.
Tepp: No way. Letting Waffles do what she thinks is right has way better results than Sendy and I doing what we know to be wrong.
Luna: I SAID CRY HAVOC.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The party antagonizes the only remaining faction that would help them reach Imoen.
DM: Roll the dice.

enqenq · March 2015

Blame Kangaxx for everything

DM: Having wiped out both the vampires and the Shadow Thieves and thereby thoroughly messed up the plot, the party buys the cleric some chocolate so that they can ponder their next move sans tantrums.
Luna: The best chocolate is sold near the Government District. I want that.
Luna: Mmmm.
Luna: So, we've ended up in quite a mess.
Tepp: We. Yep. Sendany and I share the guilt.
Sendany: I don't like sharing, I want all of it.
Luna: If you were half as witty when it came to actually doing something right, we'd be bringing Irenicus to justice by now.
Tepp: Justice...
Tepp: I know someone else who should be brought to justice.
Luna: Do you?
Tepp: Yeah. Kangaxx.
Tepp: I take my Kangaxx arm out of my backpack.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for shoplifting.
Luna: Really.
Sendany: Ha! I take mine out too.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for poking the angry shopkeeper's nose.
Luna: Okay, we're leaving.

DM: The party makes its way to the Government District. An agitated crowd can be heard in the distance, seemingly gathered around a pole to which someone is tied.
Luna: That might not be a legal execution.
Luna: We head to check it out.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for defacing a public building.
Luna: Stop fucking around.
DM: Upon closer inspection, the person tied to the pole is a drow woman, and before you are able to reach her, you hear that she is to be punished for no other crime than her race.
Luna: That's not right.
Luna: I protest loudly. One cannot choose what one is born as.
DM: The fanatics will hear none of your protests, and there are no sympathetic ears in the crowd.
DM: They seem intent on burning the drow forthwith.
Luna: We need to intervene.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for fondling.
Luna: Seriously! Give me those.
Luna: I take the golden arms from the morons.
Luna: Framing Kangaxx for flailing his arms around randomly. Hilarious!
DM: Luna casts Sunfire.

Luna: WHAT?
DM: You happened to cause the fingers to form that spell.
Luna: But I uttered no freaking incantation!
DM: None needed. You have Vocalize.
Luna: That's ridiculous. So if Horsebreath had the amulet he could cast spells infinitely-
Tepp: We should try.
Luna: No.
Luna: I need to have magical energy to shape to cast a spell. Not just wave my hands, or as it were, Kangaxx' hands.
DM: There was residual energy in the limbs.
Luna: This is because I forgot about your birthday, isn't it?
DM: ...
DM: No.
DM: The Sunfire spell kills-
Luna: FURTHERMORE, the magical energy does not shape against my intent. I had no intent, let alone ability, to cast an arcane spell.
DM: Kangaxx provided the ability.
Luna: Intent remains absent.
DM: You had such intent.
Luna: Did not. How can you claim to know what's in my head??
DM: ...
DM: Well, it's clearly not birthday dates.
Luna: ...
Luna: FINE! I cast Sunfire.

DM: The Sunfire spell kills everyone around, except the party.
Sendany: Hey, you didn't let the drow roll for magic resistance.
DM: Doesn't matter, she dies even if she resists it apparently.
DM: The party's reputation hits rock bottom-
Sendany: Yeah, because we were so far away from that.
DM: -and a Cowled Wizard teleports in.
DM: He reprimands you about an unsanctioned use-
Luna: Bite me.
Luna: I tell him to show me the law.
DM: The law states that whoever casts-
Luna: Define cast. Because it was Kangaxx shaping the spell, not I.
DM: ...
DM: You can't kill a dozen people and blame two golden limbs.
Tepp: Yeah, because this guy totally cares who did or didn't get killed by the Sunfire.
Luna: Horsebreath is right. The consequences of the spell are not the enforcer's concern.
Luna: If I did cast the Sunfire spell, it wouldn't have hit me too now WOULD IT.
DM: You didn't argue when I said YOU cast the spell.
Luna: But you made me roll for saving throw and damage, so get bent.
DM: *groan*
DM: Okay, the enforcer reprimands the golden limbs and then summons his colleagues to teach them a lesson.
Luna: Fine by me.
Sendany: Not fine by us. This was Kangaxx' first offense. He should get away with a warning.
DM: *sigh*
DM: Kangaxx gets away with a warning and the enforcer and his colleagues leave.
Tepp: Should have asked him to take us to Spellhold.

DM: There's still the issue of your reputation being rock bottom.
Luna: But Kangaxx cast the spell, we just talked about that.
DM: Those who observed at safe distance don't understand that. The word will spread that your party killed a dozen people, most of them innocent.
Tepp: Wow, so it's about what's being witnessed? Can we just kill people when nobody's watching without losing half our reputation then?
DM: ...
DM: Okay, you didn't lose reputation.
Luna: Speaking of reputation, didn't we get any for wiping out the guilds?
DM: If you want me to retcon that, then I'll retcon your rolls on the Sunfire spell too.
Luna: Be that way then.
Luna: Are these arms going to cause more surprises?
DM: ...
DM: If this campaign goes on for a year and you still have them, who knows.
Tepp: Waffles, just resurrect all these dead people. At least the crowd. That should net us quite some reputation.
DM: I'm not giving you reputation for that.
Tepp: Wow, I bet if we hypothetically were to find ourselves in a besieged city, and a man died to a catapult boulder, and we resurrected HIM, we would get permanent reputation for the deed even though the only ones who saw it and survived the siege would be us and the main villain.
Tepp: Hey, maybe the besieging army's scouts saw it and spread the word that damn, those three are some nice fellas. I hope they come out here and kick our asses and even kill our immortal Bhaalspawn general. Our mothers would be proud to know we got slain by such righteous beings.
Sendany: Or maybe someone in the city tweeted about it. #bhaalspawn #gooddeed #saradush
DM: I hate you so much.
DM: Fine, if you want to rest and rez over and over, you get one reputation point per resurrected innocent.

Luna: Okay, these arms have caused enough trouble. I put them in my backpack.
Sendany: Aww.
Sendany: I take out the golden torso from mine.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for public nudity.
Tepp: Give me that!
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for public wallhumping.
Luna: So what, you think wallhumping is fine if it's done in private?
Luna: Actually, don't answer.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for mooning.
Tepp: Kind of hard to moon with just the torso. It's a gray area.
Luna: *sigh*
Luna: I take the golden arms out again.
Sendany/Tepp: Yayyyyy!
Luna: Framing Kangaxx for double colonoscopic malpractice.

enqenq · March 2015

How to not get anywhere

DM: Okay, let's try again to actually advance the plot a bit.
Luna: I have an idea.
Luna: We could cross the sea with ERT. Enchantment Repellant Technology.
Tepp: Err...
Luna: With my enchanted plate mail, I can't put on my Ring of Protection. Like, it just won't go on my finger. It hovers there. If I put it on the floor, I can in fact hover over it.
DM: ...
Luna: Look, I'll show you.
DM: Break your finger all you like, but not on my basement floor.
Luna: I clearly need to explain my idea, so.
DM: My. Floor. No. Blood.
Sendany: Is this why you introduce yourself as "Lord of the Level" whenever we go out?
Tepp: (By "whenever", you mean "on the rare occasion that".)
Sendany: (Don't make him cry.)
DM: That is a freaking epic title.
Tepp: Since you have no glass cage, can I just use my mallet on you directly?
DM: Who the hell has a hammer in their sorcerer LARP gear??
Luna: So the idea is that the boat has two layers, the bottom being items of protection and the top being enchanted armors.
DM: Why not just buy a normal boat instead of all that crap. Seriously. I'm not approving this.
Tepp: Wait, it occurs to me that Waffles isn't actually wearing that ring since I see her using that enchanted plate mail all the time.
Luna: I take it off when I sleep.
Tepp: And the ring does you what good then? +2 saving throw against nightmares?
Luna: ...
Luna: Fine, Sendy can have the ring.
Sendany: Yay!
Sendany: By the way, I have a better idea.

Sendany: We go to The Heart and find ourselves some sea turtles on whose backs we'll cross the sea.
Luna: Look, nobody's actually done that.
Luna: What place is this "The Heart" anyway?
Sendany: I don't know.
Sendany: I just know there's a song that goes "Turtles on cliffs of The Heart".
Luna: It's "Total eclipse".
Sendany: ...
Sendany: THANKS for ruining a fond childhood memory.
Luna: There seems to be plenty of childhood left in you, I'm sure you'll replace it in no time.
Sendany: Well ANYWAY, we can still use sea turtles.
DM: If I were absolutely starved for ideas, I might have allowed that for a shorter journey.
DM: No go.
Sendany: Well how about YOU help us fix the plot instead of sitting there shooting down perfectly good suggestions.
DM: How about YOU make the slightest effort instead of framing Kangaxx and conceiving bullshit ideas?
Sendany: This is effort.
DM: *sigh*
DM: Lo, in the distance. The sorcerer spots a man, and has a feeling his name might be Saemon Havarian.

Tepp: You know, the name is spoken with more of a flourish, and a good deal less sarcasm.
Tepp: Anyway. Sendy, hide.
Sendany: Success.
DM: Seriously.
Tepp: Backstab him.
Luna: Nobody attacks an innocent man on my watch.
Tepp: I promise you that you'll eventually wish we had done this.
Tepp: I sounded totally convincing there, for the record.
Luna: *groan*
Luna: I hesitate to intervene.
Sendany: It's a crit with added lightning damage and the stun.
DM: Naturally.
DM: Since when do you have Celestial Fury, anyway?
Sendany: Uh, since around the time I looted Celestial Fury.
Sendany: Unless you count the brief moment Tepp had it to identify it.
DM: Right.
DM: The man was protected by Stoneskin, and upon noticing the unprovoked hostility, he teleports out.
Sendany: Does not.
Sendany: He still gets zapped and stunned.
DM: *groan*
DM: Look, you wanted the plot fixed, but you're just trying to break it even more.
Tepp: Like I want to endure Waffles debating culpability with him for hours on future occasions.
DM: Don't worry, I'm sure she won't feel he's at fault for any future betrayals after this.
Tepp: Anyway, we kill him and take his boat.
Luna: I take it you just "had a feeling" he might have a boat?
DM: ...
DM: (We both know you don't even need to go to Brynnlaw anymore.)
Tepp: (Do you think I'm gonna pass up seeing the look on Waffles' face when she realizes how well she's "helped" Imoen?)
DM: (Fine, but I am keeping Saemon.)
DM: He had a Ring of Free Action.
DM: He gets away.
Sendany: See, there you go again, working against us.
DM: Armed assault trial defense of the year: The DM clearly wanted me to attack the man instead of doing civil things like talking to him or just ignoring him like another face in the crowd.
Luna: The DM does not understand science, so I'll vouch for him probably being crazy.
DM: Okay really.
DM: Did it occur to anyone to just go to the freaking docks and look for a captain who might be willing to take you to the island?
Tepp: No, but now that you mention it, it does occur to me that Sendy should backstab those captains too.
Tepp: I bet they don't have Stoneskin and Free Action.
Luna: We may have a primitive DM, but Imoen shouldn't suffer for that.
Tepp: *snicker*
Luna: What?
Luna: Anyway, I expect they might want a fair deal of gold for the trip. And, you know, chocolate might be even more expensive on Brynnlaw.
Luna: Let's go on another adventure.

enqenq · March 2015

Planar plotbreaking

DM: As the party nears Valygar's cabin, they are approached by a small group of rangers, who strongly questions the party's presence.
Luna: We come in peace.
Sendany: (Do we?)
Tepp: (Really unrewarding to kill them.)
Sendany: Yep, we do.
DM: They let the party pass.
DM: You enter the cabin and find Valygar in the kitchen, adrenaline pumping.
Luna: We still come in peace.
Tepp: On one condition.
Luna: What?
Tepp: I'm fine with not killing him, but he's not joining the group either.
DM: That puts us at a stalemate.
Tepp: No, he can follow us to the sphere, but he will not at any point be considered a party member.
Luna: Really, what's the difference?
Tepp: The difference is we don't have to remove him later.
Tepp: I, uh, hate goodbyes. Hate saying them, hate listening to them, hate knowing they happen. Hate everything about them.
Luna: I didn't know he was a prospective party member. I want to hear his side of the story.
DM: Valygar explains his ancestor is a meanie with a cool toy that the Cowled Wizards want.
DM: He theorizes that his blood would allow access to said toy.
Tepp: Imagine if we were to acquire said toy.
Tepp: What a bargaining chip it would be.
Luna: For once, I like your train of thought. But I don't see why he can't come with us.
Tepp: I don't trust him. Meanieness runs in the family.
Sendany: I also don't trust him. In fact, I think you are trying to phase me out of the party. Oh sure, Valygar can backstab instead.
Luna: *sigh*
Luna: Fine, Valygar follows us but is not considered a party member.

DM: Valygar's presence opens the door to the sphere, and he waits on the spot for you to go in and kick his ancestor's ass.
DM: Before you is a panel, and there are doors on both sides.
Sendany: Let's go left.
Sendany: I want to call some shots too, you know.
DM: Inside the room is a clay golem. It attacks the party on sight.
Tepp: Oh awesome, I'll go grab a snack while Waffles fights it.
Sendany: Sounds great.
Tepp: You've been leader for about two rounds and you're already taking a break?
Sendany: Don't wanna strain myself.
Luna: Well great, it's not like you two can't use bludgeoning weapons.
Luna: Or Lower Resistance.
Tepp: Three to four castings of a level five spell for a measly golem. Yeah, no.
Sendany: And which blunt weapon do you expect me to keep around? I have two weapon slots. Bow and blade, baby.
Luna: At least give me Haste.
Tepp: Done.
Tepp: Actually... I take my Kangaxx arm out.
DM: Out of your backpack or your-
Tepp: Ha. Ha.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for property damage.
Sendany: Now that's more like it! It's even blunt! I bet we're hitting for like 1d5 or so.
DM: Actually, as you pointed out, the limbs are made of pure gold.
DM: Which is a rather soft and malleable material.
Sendany: (I don't recall them feeling neither soft nor malleable.)
DM: Kangaxx' arms are now deformed.
Tepp: Now that does suck.
Sendany: Let's try to somewhat restore them while Waff-
Luna: Don't you start too. I'll just start using your surname if you do.
Luna: How much time are we gonna spend on this golem? It dies after two turns, I heal myself, we move on. Please.
DM: Agreed.

DM: Looting the chests, you find some random treasure, but most importantly some coal and a lever.
DM: Perhaps the lever will fit the panel.
Tepp: I cast True Sight. From my scroll.
Sendany: I attempt to detect illusions.
Luna: I cast True Seeing before they nag my brains out to do it.
DM: None of you detect any illusions.
Tepp: Not even as we scour the storage room, the lobby, the entrance hallway and the observatory on the right?
Tepp: (Please don't make us waste time on the mephit.)
DM: Nope.
Tepp: Oh, 'cause I just had this idea that in the event that inserting and pulling this lever - which is seemingly a requirement to get past the door - causes the sphere to travel to another plane, it would be impossible for anyone else to step into the sphere from the Prime Material Plane.
Tepp: You know, in case any Cowled Wizards would mysteriously appear later and claim they sneaked on board and followed us.
Tepp: Sneaked on board without off-handedly disposing of Valygar just outside, for the record, in case they theorized his blood might still be useful to them.
DM: ...
Tepp: Good. We insert and pull the lever.

The party progresses all the way to the navigation room and encounters Lavok.

DM: Lavok is mad at you for causing the sphere to travel.
Tepp: Maybe he shouldn't have made the door handle double act as an activation lever. Just saying.
DM: He fights you.
Tepp: Breach.
Sendany: Backstab.
Luna: Uh, cheering or something.
Luna: If he weren't a useless necromancer, at least I could have used True Seeing to contribute.
DM: Lavok declares himself diplomatically immune to death.
DM: He says he's not a real meanie but that a demon within him that seeks to invade the Material Plane made him act like one.
DM: But your asskicking has made it leave him. Good job.
DM: Now he's dying. Not so good job.
Tepp: (Think we can frame Kangaxx somehow?)
Sendany: (Probably too late.)
Luna: Not to sound callous, but do we need him to live?
DM: Only he can operate the sphere to return you to the Prime Material Plane.
DM: He requires a demon heart to power the engine.
Luna: Can I heal him?
DM: No.
Luna: Why?
DM: Because, uh, he's about to die of old age anyway.
DM: You'd better hurry.
Tepp: May we ask him what to actually do with the demon heart and the engine?
DM: Just put it somewhere and hope for the best.
DM: That's as specific as he'll get.
DM: Now go.

Tepp makes sure the party explores the outside region in such a way that the tanar'ri is the last monster they encounter.

DM: Finally, the group happens upon a demon large enough to have a suitable heart.
DM: For reasons probably not at all related to metagaming, the party is already buffed with Free Action.
DM: Victory is yours.
Luna: Great, it had a heart.
Luna: Let's hurry to the engine room.
Tepp: One moment. A fateful choice to be made.
Luna: Cut out your tongue?
Tepp: Hmm... if I did, I would need permanent Vocalize.
Luna: Never mind.
Tepp: I'm just thinking, what if the engine were to permanently break down after our intended planar jaunt, and there's no way the sphere could return here.
Sendany: Say no more.
Sendany: Throwing Kangaxx' torso down the cliff.
Tepp: *sniff*
Tepp: We never got to frame him for teabagging.
Sendany: Or inappropriate intimacy with Rylock.
Tepp: Or-
Luna: If we don't power up the engine soon, you can climb down and retrieve it and frame it for everything you can imagine while we fade away on this hellish plane.
Luna: We head to the room with the runes on the floor.

DM: As the party makes its way to what they hope is the engine room, they are surprised by the presence of, um...
Tepp: Not Tolgeiras and another Cowled Wizard, I hope.
Tepp: That wouldn't make sense after our initial precautions.
DM: Indeed it wouldn't.
DM: Unless... they teleported past the door!
Tepp: Pure brilliance.
Tepp: Dimension Door: Panacea for bad DM'ing since forever.
DM: Oh, shut up and fight.
Sendany: Durr, nobody heard of Non-Detection?

DM: The party finally reaches what must be the engine room.
Tepp: Alright. So we have an arcane engine that we know nothing about, and the one heart that was to be found on this entire plane.
Tepp: Sounds like a great idea to just randomly put it in one of the engine's cavities, yeah?
Tepp: I mean, what if it breaks the engine? What if the heart is destroyed? Both seem like affordable risks...
DM: I DIDN'T WRITE THE MODULE OKAY.
DM: The sorcerer-
Tepp: Waffles is carrying the heart.
DM: THE CLERIC PUTS THE HEART IN THE ENGINE.
DM: The engine shudders and you hope that means it has returned you to the Prime Material Plane. It seems to have broken.
Sendany: Let's loot the room.
Sendany: Ooo, a shiny ring.
Luna: Mine.
Tepp: Let me identify it and we'll see if you still want it.
Luna: I gave him a ring already. This one is mine.
Tepp: The ring increases your ability to detect and disarm traps. Sure you want it?
Luna: Bah, whatever. Let's see if Lavok still lives.
Sendany: I already have 100 points in Detect Traps. What am I supposed to do with this?
Sendany: Can't points past 100 speed up my detection or something?
DM: Because it's so terrible to ask that you wait an entire six seconds to check for traps before a chest or door possibly impales you or drenches you in acid.
Sendany: My point exactly.
Luna: As proven by the fact you ate a trap just looting that ring.
Luna: I can't heal you up indefinitely, you know.
Sendany: Like you're using your low level spell slots for much.
Luna: So you're not willing to spend six seconds to find the traps, and get experience to boot for disarming them, but waiting half a minute for me to heal you up with CLW is fine.
DM: Stop this stupid argument or I'll decide all future traps require 125 skill.

DM: The party returns to Lavok.
DM: He requests to see the sun before he dies.
Tepp: I don't trust him.
Luna: I trust him.
Sendany: I... don't trust him.
DM: Very well.
DM: He says he understands, and-
Tepp: I put him out of his misery.
DM: He fought that demon for centuries. Don't you think he has deserved-
Tepp: It's not your freaking job to rate my ethics.
Tepp: We've returned to the Prime Material Plane. Caution dictates we kill him before he can send us elsewhere.
DM: The engine is broken.
Tepp: My character can't know that.
Tepp: Look, I kill him. Magic Missile. End of discussion.
Luna: Asshat.
Tepp: You can have the ring on his body.
Luna: Yay!
Luna: I mean...
Luna: My reaction is neutral.

Tepp: Now we try to sell the sphere to the Cowled Wizards.
DM: They argue that unless you plan on taking up residence, they'll just claim it once you set out on your next adventure.
Tepp: Then we'll take it back.
Luna: Let me handle this.
Luna: The sphere is yours, wizards.
Luna: But our silence is not.
DM: What's to be silent about?
Luna: The fact that they are now the owners of the building that destroyed like a score of houses.
Luna: Imagine the legal repercussions.
DM: They ask what you want.
Luna: Take us to Spellhold.
Sendany: How naive can you get. Was this the plan? We agree to be teleported by you. We trust you will send us exactly where we want.
Sendany: Just demand gold.
Luna: Right.
Luna: 20 grand and we'll pretend we've never been inside this sphere.
Tepp: We'll lower it to 15 if someone else tries to sell them a planar sphere.
DM: Well whatever, you manage to get 18 grand.
Luna: Plus the loot, and... okay, let's go find a captain.

enqenq · March 2015

Deception

DM: The party asks around for captains willing to take them to Brynnlaw.
Tepp: Whereas previously it only felt appropriate to ask just about everyone else about how to get there. Shopkeepers, priests, Garren Windspear-
DM: You've never actually met him, given your little incident with Firkraag.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: My point stands.
DM: All captains refuse, each saying there's trouble on Brynnlaw. Given that the voyage itself is also dangerous, there is no amount of gold that could convince them.
DM: A few of them do however mention that one Saemon Havarian might be persuaded.
Luna: Presumably the same Saemon Havarian that we attacked unprovoked.
Sendany: Of course. It's a story. Everyone has a unique name in a story.
Tepp: Or no name. Thank you for the information, Prospective Captain.

Tepp: So um, we should probably disguise ourselves. And get new names.
Luna: Why, not like Sendy introduced himself before the backstab.
Tepp: Maybe Saemon read the combat log.
DM: ...
Tepp: Hmm. I'll make it simple. My name backwards is almost Pete, so I'll go with that.
Sendany: Aww, my name backwards just sounds ridiculous.
Tepp: Also forwards.
Tepp: Waffles should try the backwards method.
Luna: Divine Dismissive Digit.
Sendany: I could be... *posh British voice* servant Andy.
DM: Pete, servant Andy. Good enough. Luna?
Sendany: Or wait. I'll be... *flamboyant Mexican accent* señor Andy.
DM: No, you won't.
Sendany: Indeed, 'cause I've got a better one. How about... *authoritative Japanese voice* sensei Andy.
DM: Seriously.
DM: You're senile Andy now. And that's final.
Tepp: Bahahaha!
Luna: Hehe.
DM: Luna?
Luna: Tepp will be Lord Pete Horsebreath.
Sendany: Ha!
Tepp: Hmf.
Tepp: Luna will be Lady Anul Pancakes.
DM: Great job. I am sure these names will help deflect attention and suspicion.
DM: What's your reason to be wanting to visit Brynnlaw so badly?
Sendany: They're getting married in secrecy.
Sendany: And I will wed them.
Luna: Hell no.
DM: His initial suggestions seem to be the best, so let's roll with that.

DM: The party approaches Saemon and negotiates a deal for a journey to Brynnlaw.
Tepp: Can't we just kill him and take the ship.
DM: His crew won't answer to you.
Tepp: They will, or else.
Luna: WHY do we need to get violent? Can't we just pay for the trip like normal people?
Tepp: He will betray us at every given turn, I tell you.
Tepp: Fine, we negotiate a deal. But Waffles, all your level four slots go into Neutralize Poison.
Tepp: Actually, ask him if he was already paid to bring a trio of people to Brynnlaw and we can get their tickets cheaper.
Sendany: You're a real master of deception, aren't you.
Sendany: Maybe ask if they were supposed to look like us while you're at it.
DM: A deal is negotiated. The party loses 10,000gp.
DM: Welcome aboard.

DM: A day goes by without event. Unless you want something to happen...
Sendany: I do.
Sendany: Señor Andy approaches the fair lady.
DM: You're senile Andy.
Sendany: Andy has been through much in his life. He can't remember which Andy he is now.
DM: So he was raised in whatever the Faerûn equivalent of Mexico is, with a modern name, and emigrated to Kara-Tur where he became a master.
Sendany: Precisely. Look, he even has the enchanted katana to show for it.
Tepp: Maybe you shouldn't flaunt the weapon you backstabbed Saemon with, great master of deception.
Sendany: Like he saw it. BACK-stab.
DM: Also, you're supposed to be senile, not schizophrenic.
Sendany: Like I said, Andy can't remember which Andy he is at every moment.
Sendany: Also, unless you know the difference between schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, don't diagnose someone with either.
Sendany: Señor Andy implies to the lady that she will soon be legally bound to forever share bed with señor Horsebreath. Perhaps she would like one last taste of freedom.
Luna: Ugh.
Luna: Well? Are you going to let this lout offend me?
Tepp: Sigh.
Tepp: Andy, hands off my fiance.
Sendany: It's SENSEI Andy.
Tepp: Sensei Andy.
Sendany: Yes, young padawan?
Tepp: (Accomplished jedi are called masters, not senseis, titwit.)
Sendany: (It means like the same thing, titwit.)
Luna: I guess we'll never know how we're seated if Horsebreath is able to exchange whispers with all three of us. Must be bloody impractical.
DM: Shush.
Tepp: Hands off my fiance.
Sendany: A jedi shall not know the pleasures of the flesh. Worry not.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Might I speak with servant Andy?
Sendany: Of course. May the Horse be with you.
Sendany: Yes, my lord?
Tepp: We need to poison the captain.
Tepp: Snap out of your fake identities and do some quality sleight of hand with the meals.

DM: The captain is now poisoned.
DM: The party has yet to be poisoned.
Tepp: Because Neutralize Poison after every meal, duh?
Luna: I haven't been casting it on myself. Only on Sendy.
Tepp: Hope we have time to get married before you die so I can get all your stuff.
Luna: I'm going to cure the captain.
Luna: Also, if we're getting married, where's my ring?
Tepp: I gave you a ring.
Luna: No, you let me loot a ring. There's a difference.
Luna: It was like my turn anyway. You have the Ring of Gaxx, Sendy has the Ring of Protection +2 AND the Ring of Danger Sense.
Sendany: "AND the ring of Danger Sense." Did you catch the drama there. Ho yeah, that amazing ring.
Sendany: Maybe we can get you a Ring of Infravision. Or even TWO.
Luna: I don't even know what my ring DOES.
Tepp: It's shiny.
Luna: Identify it for me. My love.
Tepp: Eh, no.
Luna: Do you want to start an argument?
Luna: That dashing señor Andy is beginning to feel more and more attractive.
Luna: Wait. You have TWO rings.
Luna: When did you get that ugly one?
Tepp: It's ugly, so why should you care.
Luna: DM, you can't let these jerks loot in secret.
DM: You were in such a hurry to get to the engine that you didn't even care that Tolgeiras had a ring.
Luna: I care now.
Luna: Is it the Ring of the Ram he was gonna give us? I'm not letting you have that.
Tepp: And I'm not letting you take it. Not even for the amulet.
Luna: Then give me the Ring of Gaxx.
Tepp: No.
Tepp: Can we move on-
Luna: Identify my ring.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Done.
Sendany: He he. Ring of Acuity.
Luna: OH REALLY WHAT A GIFT. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK. YOU KNEW THIS WAS USELESS TO ME.
Tepp: No.
Tepp: Since you are so smart, I thought you might want to dual class to wizard, and this would help you get started.
Luna: Like-
Luna: Ohh. Nice try. You almost made me reveal my race to the readers.
Luna: Anyway, I hate you and I go to cure the captain.

DM: Does anything happen the next day?
Sendany: Yes!
DM: Preferably not because of you.
Sendany: Señor Andy is ashamed he tried to ruin the wedding by tempting the bride.
Sendany: He wishes to chat with the couple.
Luna: We humor him.
Sendany: Andy wonders which surname the couple will use after the wedding.
Sendany: He knows it's customary to use the man's.
Sendany: However, he finds that "Pete Pancakes" has a nice alliterative ring to it, whereas he does not even wish to elaborate on his feelings about "Anul Horsebreath".
Tepp: Seriously.
Sendany: The off-duty crew is listening, you know.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Our love is too deep. We do not worry about practicalities.
Sendany: In that case, sensei Andy has a few words of wisdom to share.
Tepp: Naturally.
Sendany: They who follow their dreams walk through life sleeping.
Tepp: Thanks. Can we have servant Andy?
Sendany: My liege.
Tepp: Señor Andy and sensei Andy are bothering us. Do show them out.
Sendany: But of course.
Sendany: Señor Andy protests!
Luna: Seriously, I'm not listening to like twenty lines of monologue. Do it in your head.
Luna: Are we close?
DM: The island is quite visible on the horizon.
Tepp: Is it within swimming distance?
DM: No.
Tepp: Are we on course for the harbor?
DM: Yes.
Tepp: And if I simply controlled the helm, the ship wouldn't deviate notably from that course?
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: I knock Saemon off the ship with my Ring of the Ram.
Luna: SERIOUSLY. He hasn't done anything to us and that's the third time you try to kill him!
Tepp: Ring of Gaxx.
Luna: ...
Luna: Forgiven for now.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The ship crashes unceremoniously into the harbor.
DM: Welcome to Brynnlaw.

enqenq · March 2015

Consequences

WARNING: This episode has no attempts at humor. I could not find myself joking or being indifferent about what happens here, but the story can't continue without it so it must be written. This is the most heartshattering moment the game could have, and then remember something like it was actually supposed to be in the game too. If you don't want to spend time reading what's probably not gonna be funny, skip to the bottom for TL;DR.

DM: Surveying the city, the party sees a ghost town. It's high noon, yet the streets are empty.
DM: Bloodmarks on a wall catch their attention. Then they see more and more of them, and they see pools of blood, but no bodies.
Tepp: This isn't supposed to happen...
DM: There's a makeshift graveyard in the distance.
Luna: We... explore the town and try to find out what happened?
DM: There's nothing conclusive to be found. Only more blood.
Luna: We head for the makeshift graveyard.
DM: The tombs are unmarked. Most seem crudely dug.
DM: While you dare not confirm, some of them seem to have too little disturbed dirt to be housing adults.
Tepp: Could be dwarves, halflings, gnomes...
Luna: Since when do you speculate?
Luna: And why do you sound so frightened?
Tepp: No reason.
Luna: We keep looking.
DM: You still find nothing. You get the feeling you are the only living beings in the town, save the crew desperately trying to repair the ship.
DM: Only now do you notice that there are no other ships in the harbor.
Sendany: Plague?
Luna: No, these were violent deaths.
Sendany: Vampires? Werewolves?
Luna: Could be any manner of beast, natural or not.
Sendany: Don't you usually have all the answers, Tepp?
Tepp: I hope I don't have the answer this time.
Luna: Spit it out. What do you suspect?
Tepp: ...let's just keep exploring.

DM: Suddenly, there's a sound that feels bestial, yet not attributable to any creature the party knows of.
Luna: We follow the sound.
DM: Cautiously advancing, the party happens upon something they've only heard of in legends.
DM: A red, spiked beast with long claws. Its head looks more like an extension of the throat, and the entire surface area of the face is used by the large, circular mouth. You are unsure if it has eyes.
DM: The beast seems to be fighting against itself, at times trying to claw its own flesh, at times trying to sharpen its senses to hunt.
Luna: Aren't you going to do a lore check?
Tepp: I suppose...
DM: Success. It is the Slayer, a divine avatar once used by none other than Bhaal himself. Murder incarnate.
Luna: Why is it here?
DM: It notices the party. It seems its first instict is to attack, but it stops abruptly after but one step.
DM: Does it recognize you? Is it trying to resist its nature and not murder you? Why would it do that?
Tepp: Come on man, don't do this.
DM: I thought you said you'd enjoy this moment.
Tepp: This is taking it too far.
Luna: What are you two talking about?
Tepp: Nothing I can explain in character.
DM: That hasn't stopped you before. Don't let it stop you now.
Sendany: Tell us what's going on here.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: That's Imoen.

Luna: WHAT?
Luna: Why has Imoen taken the form of the Slayer??
Luna: Did she kill all these people?
Luna: TELL ME!
Tepp: She probably did, yes.
Tepp: Imoen is also a Bhaalspawn. Think of her background. Need I say more?
Tepp: Irenicus wanted two divine souls. Imoen was both bait and catch.
Sendany: So he's gonna attack us now to get the second?
Tepp: No.
Tepp: He no longer needs a second.
Tepp: Because Bodhi was his sister, and Imoen's soul was intended for her.
Tepp: With her dead, he had no reason to wait for us to get here. Too, he now has a close second on his grudge list.
Tepp: With her soul gone, the void consumed Imoen, and left alone to fight it, she lost. The taint filled the emptiness.
Tepp: If we hadn't killed Bodhi, Imoen would have still lost her soul but we would have been here to comfort her and prevent... this.
Luna: YOU JUST LET ME KILL BODHI!
Luna: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO IMOEN!
Luna: Can we save her?? Can she be freed?
Tepp: When I let you kill Bodhi, I didn't expect our DM to take things this far.
Tepp: He can answer the rest.

DM: There's no saving Imoen.
DM: What little of her is left in that beast is what dug the graves for her victims. It's what's trying to make it take its own life.
DM: It's what's keeping it from attacking you right now.
Luna: Restoration?
Luna: ...
Luna: Destroy it and resurrect her?
DM: Neither will work.
Luna: YOU CAN'T MAKE US KILL IMOEN!
DM: It's not death, it's non-existence.
Luna: That's a HORRIBLE fate.
Luna: She doesn't deserve it.
DM: The world isn't fair.
Luna: WHY are you doing this??
Luna: Can't we just walk away?
DM: Perhaps you can.
DM: But consider that the Slayer is not the worst thing Imoen can become. Once fully consumed by the taint, she becomes the Ravager.
DM: A far more formidable foe.
DM: In that form, she could cause even more death. The island wouldn't confine her for long.
DM: In that form, there's no Imoen left anymore. Nothing to hold the beast back.
DM: In this form, there's yet a little restraint left. Towards you, most of all.
DM: This is the best opportunity anyone will have to end the menace. It would be highly irresponsible to just walk away.
DM: Remember, Imoen is suffering in there too.
Luna: WHY.
Luna: ARE.
Luna: YOU.
Luna: DOING.
Luna: THIS????

DM: Frankly, it should be enough to say that this is the most logical conclusion to your prior actions.
DM: I'm sure the metagaming bastard will agree.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: *sigh*
DM: But I won't claim I didn't leap at the opportunity to give this party some purpose.
Luna: PURPOSE? We didn't have PURPOSE? We were trying to save her!
DM: No, the jackass has been goofing around since chapter one, and you compromised your LG character to no end just to motivate staying in the group.
DM: Sendany was somewhat tolerable. I mean he goofed around too, but he just assumed that doing what Tepp wanted was a good recipe for mischief.
DM: Then came his vivid interpretation of, I quote, dissociative identity disorder, which for the record is NOT a state in which you can consciously switch between identities.
DM: And then I lost all thoughts about not doing this.
Luna: ...
DM: Imoen can't hold the Slayer back forever, you know.
DM: The sooner you strike, the more likely you are to win.
Luna: If we kill Irenicus...
DM: Metagaming bastard. All yours.
Tepp: Irenicus is not here.
Tepp: Even in the unlikely case that our DM allows for his death to restore Imoen, it would take us like a month to get there.
Tepp: By far enough time for her to turn into the Ravager.
Tepp: We would be permitting countless lives to be lost for a highly improbable chance to save her.
Tepp: He's right. There's nothing LG about overlooking what I do because of a ring here and there.
Tepp: If we spare her now for that unlikely chance to restore her, we cause nothing but suffering.
Tepp: Suffering for all her victims and everyone who holds them dear. Suffering for ourselves for having it on our conscience.
Tepp: But above all, suffering for Imoen for having to live through that while her very being fades into the core of that monster.
Tepp: I don't think you can accept that.
Tepp: I can't.
Tepp: I'm going to put that thing down while I can still imagine it having Imoen's face.
Tepp: While I can still imagine it saying: "Heya, it's me, Imoen."
Sendany: ...
Sendany: Count me in.
Sendany: And not for any hope of mischief.
Luna: ...Irenicus will pay.
Luna: Do you hear me in there, Imoen? IRENICUS WILL PAY.
Luna: I will call down the wrath of the heavens upon him, until the sky is clear of clouds and your light can shine down on us unhindered.
Luna: We will NEVER forget you.

TL;DR: Because Bodhi was killed, Irenicus simply took Imoen's soul instead of waiting for Charname. The emptiness consumed her and the Slayer overtook her. The party had to kill her, sending her off to non-existence. They are now sworn to take revenge upon Irenicus.

enqenq · March 2015

The hunt for Jon Irenicus

DM: Is the funeral ceremony concluded?
Luna: ...
Luna: Yes.
DM: While none of you have any wharf experience, it does seem like the ship won't be repaired for a few more hours.
Tepp: Enough time to look for clues as to Irenicus' plans.
Sendany: Wonder if it's enough time to convince them to bring us off the island.
Luna: ...
Luna: I hate Irenicus with all my heart, but I will not let vengeance blind me. If we can't settle things with the sailors civilly, we find another way.
Luna: No violence.
Sendany: Wasn't planning on using any.
Luna: Good.
Luna: I suppose the asylum would be a great place to look for clues.
Tepp: We can always hope Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary.
Tepp: Which he left behind.
DM: (Don't start already.)
Tepp: (It's the best thing to hope for, duh.)
DM: (Fine.)
Sendany: One moment, before we enter.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for shattering a Spellhold window.
Luna: Boys will be boys.
Luna: We enter.

DM: Conveniently enough, Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary. Which he left behind.
Luna: (Sexist DM.)
DM: It explains his intent to use a portal somewhere within the asylum, which would take him to the Underdark.
Luna: Looks like our path is clear. Let's find that portal.
DM: The party searches the facility.
Tepp: (If you were to make a certain thing happen that normally happens, I wouldn't call you out on it being totally wrong. Variety is the spice of life. Give us a choice.)
DM: (If you try to kill him again...)
DM: Saemon Havarian appears before you, brought in by magical means. He seems to be fresh out of the sea.
DM: Whew, he says. Wasn't easy to cast Dimension Door while swimming. Finally pulled it off.
Tepp: I stay hidden.
Luna: I ask if he requires healing.
Tepp: He might need 5-30 hit points healed. No particular reason.
DM: Saemon accepts the healing, adding that he is still cold and throwing in a wink.
Luna: I politely decline and explain what has happened in his absence.
DM: He argues that Irenicus' portal might not be safe for anyone else to use.
DM: Plus the guy has like a ton of int, not like the whole journal couldn't be a deception.
Sendany: Sounds reasonable. We should get back to the mainland and figure out a different course from there.
DM: He explains he would feel safer if the three of you were on board.
Tepp: What, all three of us?
Tepp: Guess he mistook the ring blast for a gust of wind.
Luna: Tepp, your opinion. Sans metagaming.
Tepp: Hmm. I say we search for the portal a little more, and examine it if we find it. If we decide to use the ship, we'll be at the harbor within two hours.
DM: Saemon adds that he would pay you to join him.
Luna: See? From a man you've tried to kill three times and falsely accused of trying to poison us.
Tepp: Sendy got Neutralize Poison. I had the Ring of Gaxx for all my meals, and gave it to you after the last. If it were a slow-acting poison, or say, I don't know, a reagent that would allow Irenicus to render us helpless-
DM: *sigh*
Tepp: -then my cautiousness was still justified.
Luna: Yeah whatever, I guess I'm glad you didn't attack him on sight. I guess there's hope for you.
DM: (You just want the Cloak of Mirroring, don't you.)
Tepp: (Hehe.)

DM: The portal is beyond the party to understand. It could do nothing, or it could send them somewhere totally off course.
Tepp: Shame we don't have a demon heart to feed it. That usually works.
DM: *sigh*
Luna: I want to keep my head cool. Not touching that portal. Imoen can't have perished just for us to get captured by Irenicus again.
Sendany: I concur.

DM: Saemon is waiting for you at the harbor, seemingly ready to cast off at any time.
DM: He has convinced his crew that you had nothing to do with his accidents and that bad DM'ing is the reason they couldn't just slow down the ship themselves since the party had no interest in breaking it.
DM: I hope.
Sendany: Hehe.
DM: He offers you a gift. It is a Silver Blade.
Sendany: Wow, with capital letters.
DM: We've been through this.
Luna: How kind of him. We graciously accept.
Tepp: (Like we have the option not to.)
Tepp: A thief, a cleric and a sorcerer get a blade for a two-handed sword. Can a gift get more sarcastic?
Sendany: Hey, I'm gonna take Use Any Item as soon as I can.
Tepp: I'm not gonna endure you rolling for a vorpal hit after every attack.
Sendany: But apparently you will endure me rolling for both the CF stun and the shocking blow.
Sendany: On a weapon I am more likely to actually hit with, too.
Sendany: Titwit.
Tepp: (Technically, it is your victim that has to roll for the stun. Titwit.)
Luna: Now now... who said it's for a vorpal blade?
Tepp: Uh, no one. Just had a hunch.
Luna: Besides, no matter its shape, it's still silver. That's valuable.
Tepp: Yeah... a similar argument didn't work out well when trying to sell Kangaxx' body parts.
Tepp: Sir DM.
DM: It's rude to sell a gift anyway.
DM: (You know, in the event that you actually get one for your birthday.)
Luna: (Get over it.)
DM: Are you ready to depart?
Luna: ...
Luna: Will he wait for us if we say farewell to Imoen?
DM: He will.
Luna: Like will he or are you just paraphrasing his reply.
DM: Saemon will wait. Still some minor preparations to be made.
Luna: Either of you want to join me?
Sendany: I'll pass. Need to... sharpen my bow. Maybe frame Kangaxx for inciting mutiny.
Sendany: Look, one goodbye is enough for Sendany.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: I'll join you.

DM: You arrive at Imoen's grave. What do you do?
Luna: I stare silently at it.
Tepp: As do I.
Luna: ...
Luna: I don't really have anything to do here except say a second, silent goodbye. I mean it's not inconsequential, but nothing to involve the DM or roll dice for.
Luna: You?
Tepp: Same deal here.
Luna: ...
Luna: Thanks for joining me.
Tepp: You're welcome, Waffles.
Luna: May scurvy claim you, Horsebreath.

DM: The ship sets sail. You are bound for Athkatla.
DM: Is there anyone who would like for something to happen?
Sendany: I would!
DM: Sendany would, or Andy the Clown would?
Sendany: ...never mind!
Tepp: I would.
DM: Not getting rid of the Silver Blade.
Tepp: ...never mind.
Sendany: Oh, that does bring something to mind.
Sendany: Another fateful choice.
Tepp: Ah, good call.
Luna: If you're gonna throw a Kangaxx limb overboard, I'm all for the idea but please don't make it sound so ceremonial.
Sendany: One, two...
Sendany: Rock.
Tepp: Rock.
Sendany: One, two...
Sendany: Rock.
Tepp: Rock.
Sendany: One, two...
DM: Oh for goodness' sake. Roll 1d6, 3 or less Sendany wins.
DM: Sendany wins.
Tepp: Wins the privilege of giving up his Kangaxx arm.
Sendany: How is THAT a privilege. The winner KEEPS his Kangaxx arm.
DM: Throw one now or a sudden squall will throw both your BACKPACKS overboard.
Sendany: You have his remaining leg. Not fair that I should give my last limb up.
Tepp: Please, how much framing can you do with the legs anyway?
DM: I MEAN IT.
Sendany: Hmph.
Sendany: I pickpocket Tepp for his Kangaxx arm and throw it overboard.
Tepp: Really dangerous to antagonize the guy with a Ring of the Ram when you're on a ship.
Tepp: Historically proven fact.
Luna: Yeah, except Saemon never did anything to antagonize you.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Previous life.

DM: Suddenly, githyanki!
Tepp: Wow, I wonder why they would want to attack us.
DM: They say they have reason to believe there's a Silver Blade on the ship and they kinda want it back.
DM: Saemon says he doesn't have one, nor does his crew, but he can't vouch for the trio of shady looking strangers.
Tepp: I told you he was a jerk.
Luna: If they can prove the blade is theirs, I will gladly return it to them.
DM: They don't wanna listen to that. Out for blood. Blades for tongues.
DM: Fight.
Tepp: I barely care to join the fight. I'm not afraid of the githyanki.
DM: You should be. They have no qualms about sinking the ship.
Tepp: Not. Afraid.
DM: (Too much metagaming.)
Tepp: (Want me to encourage everyone to blast the githyanki captain so you can come up with another lame explanation to why plot critical targets can't die?)
DM: (Fine.)
DM: Suddenly, sahuagin! Sahuagin join the fight.
DM: The githyanki retreat. The ship sinks.
DM: The party does not drown...

enqenq · March 2015

Fish politics

DM: The party is taken to the City-of-Caverns, home of the sahuagin. You believe yourselves to be standing before a temple, likely devoted to Sekolah, their Shark-Father.
DM: The sahuagin around you are blathering in their native tongue, and the meaning of their words escapes you, but they do not sound hostile.
DM: Suddenly, their words sound like perfect Common.
DM: The priestess explains she believes you are part of a prophecy. That Sekolah has sent you.
DM: You can play along or try to fight your way through the sahuagin.
Luna: It wouldn't bother me much to slaughter their evil race, but I doubt we'd win and even if we did, it wouldn't help us reach Irenicus.
Sendany: I concur. Let's play along. At least until we have a way out of here.
Tepp: These sahuagin suck, but sure let's play along.
DM: You are brought before the sahuagin king.
Tepp: Tell us his name.
DM: Dick.
DM: Ix... Ixil... Ixilthetocal.
Tepp: And his court, name them.
DM: Sorcerer-Eater, Sorcerer-Devourer, Sorcerer-Stop-Wasting-Our-Time.
Tepp: Hehehe.
DM: The king is not convinced that Sekolah sent you.
DM: He decides you will be tested.
Luna: But we just fought on the ship.
DM: The priestess will heal you, but as the sahuagin don't approve of sorcery, you will not be allowed to rest.
Luna: Okay.
DM: You are matched against an Ettin.

The party wins handily.

DM: The king no longer doubts you were sent by Sekolah. Or at least that you are useful to him.
DM: He asks that you remove a plague upon the sahuagin race. The rebels on the other end of the city.
Sendany: West Side vs. East Side, yo.
Sendany: Whoops.
Luna: We pretend to agree.
DM: He says you will need to retrieve an artifact from the drow section of the city in order to enter the rebels' stronghold.

Luna: Let's confer.
Luna: I guess there aren't really drow living here, but if they have a section, it might mean the city connects to the Underdark.
Tepp: I'm inclined to agree.
Luna: We can't really hope to reach Athkatla from here. Maybe the Underdark trail is a deception, but it's still our best shot.
Sendany: I concur. Let's see if we can find an exit to the Underdark. Then fish politics can get bent.
Sendany: Also...
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for littering.
Tepp: *pouts*
Tepp: Don't suppose MY Kangaxx arm might have ended up here.

DM: The priestess wishes to speak to you in private.
DM: She explains that the rebels are not at fault. The king is insane. He is a result of poor breeding. He will lead the sahuagin to ruin.
DM: As Sekolah's chosen, she fully expects you will see him replaced. By force.
DM: She hands you an orb, which will let the rebels know you do not mean them harm.

Luna: So we'd be doing the world a favor if we helped the king.
Luna: Or maybe inaction itself would suffice.
Sendany: I too am indifferent. Whatever gets us to the Underdark.
Tepp: No arguments from me. Let's get that artifact.
DM: A guard standing by the entrance to the drow section warns you that the area is crammed with traps.
Sendany: Gotcha.

The party reaches the imps and the game is explained.

Sendany: Wow wow! Are these people real? Can I get their autographs?
DM: No, they're illusions.
Sendany: So Kangaxx can't abuse the real Elminster here?
DM: No.
Sendany: Is this one of Drizzt's scimitars?
DM: No, it's just representative of one of them.
Sendany: This game SUCKS. I'm gonna write a negative review.
Tepp: Yeah, like, DON'T strive to by some miracle arrive at the City-of-Caverns both alive and considered a friend of the sahuagin, after which you'll navigate through deadly traps and monsters to finally reach the imps so you can play their game. The pieces of the game are not authentic enough.
Sendany: 0/10 would not recommend.
DM: Well you beat the game and the imps don't have a million of these cloaks and boots to hand out so they're not staying anyway.
Sendany: Replayability value rock bottom. -10/10.
DM: *sigh*
DM: You find a Spectator beholder guarding a chest.
Luna: We approach cautiously.
DM: He does not seem hostile, though trying to open the chest would likely change that.
Luna: I introduce us.
DM: He answers in kind.
Tepp: (Whoa, I never knew he had a name.)
DM: (His name is "I'm about to summon twentyfive adamantite golems".)
Tepp: (Dang, Sendy should ask HIM for an autograph.)
Luna: I go through some polite phrases and work my way to asking if the city connects to the Underdark.
DM: He says that it does indeed.
DM: There's a hole in the rebel section that goes straight there.
DM: But it's too long a fall for you to survive. You would need a rope.
Tepp: Hehe. How does the ocean stay out of these caverns so nicely. Imagine if we could break that enchantment or whatever. We'd flood the entire Underdark.
Luna: Not going to happen, prankster.
Tepp: Not this time around. But making a mental note.
Luna: For when you play a character that isn't afraid of drowning? Hope I won't be in that party.
Tepp: A martyr to wipe out all that evil.
Luna: Yeah whatever. We still need what's in that chest. And a rope.
Tepp: Let me handle the chest.
Tepp: Beholder, were you summoned to guard the contents of the chest or just the chest? 'cause we're cool with letting you keep the chest.
DM: ...
DM: Yeah yeah, I guess if I don't comply you actually WILL try to flood the Underdark.
Tepp: You know me so well.

Luna: Would it be in the interests of the sahuagin to keep a rope around?
Sendany: I'm sure they make forays into the Underdark for one reason or another.
Tepp: It would probably also be in the interests of the drow to limit the possibility. Case in point, this artifact.
Luna: Well it's just a rope, not like the drow can keep the sahuagin from scavenging one somewhere. Or making their own.
Tepp: True enough.
Tepp: I tell the priestess some bullshit story about how we need to go to the Underdark after fulfilling the prophecy.
DM: She explains that there's a rope in the royal treasury. The king has the key.
Luna: ...
Luna: Still don't want to help the sahuagin if we can avoid it.
Luna: Better to just aid the king and ask for the rope.
Tepp: Or just kill every walking fish in here.
Sendany: Are ropes so rare that we need to think this big?
DM: You will need a magical rope. Altitude alone is not the problem. The king's rope is magical.
Tepp: Working on a "magical barrier" excuse already in case I do try to flood the Underdark, huh?
DM: You know me so well.

Sendany: I pickpocket the king.
Sendany: Success.
Tepp: Naked fish. Pockets. Yeah.
DM: Good catch. Sendany steals nothing of value. Further pickpocketing not possible.
Tepp: Oops.
Sendany: Well where does he keep the bloody key then.
DM: Nowhere you can steal it. Move along and be glad I didn't let the court see you.

Tepp: Hear me.
Tepp: They tested our worth by pitting us against an ettin. We readily defeated it. No sweat.
Tepp: Our victory impressed them. What's to be scared of?
Tepp: All in favor of genocide?
Sendany: Let's do some choice assassinations to gauge their strength.
Luna: Fine.

A few dead fish later...

Luna: Well that was easy.
Luna: Okay, but still no genocide. Just get the rope and avoid conflict after that. Let's save our strength for Irenicus.
Tepp: We could kill the king yet aid his soldiers should civil war erupt.
Sendany: Good thinking.

The party wipes out the court and acquires the rope and the Cloak of Mirroring and aid the king's soldiers on their way to the Underdark exit. As they climb down the hole, it's uncertain which side will win, but as the darkness engulfs the group, they find themselves caring little for fish politics. Their minds are set on first hand finding Irenicus, second hand finding a way to the surface

enqenq · March 2015

Through darkness

DM: The Underdark is dark.
Tepp: Really.
DM: Ahead of you is a corridor.
Tepp: Wow, let's not head down the corridor and climb back up instead.
Tepp: Sendy, take the Cloak of Mirroring since Waffles hates the whole mechanic.
Tepp: And then scout ahead.
Sendany: I can't see shit here.
Tepp: Good job rolling a human if you aren't even going to dual class.
Tepp: Group Infravision: On.
Sendany: I scout ahead.
Sendany: I trip like twice.
Tepp: Are you trying to roleplay being unaccustomed to infravision?
Sendany: No, I'm trying to roleplay still not being able to see where I'm putting my feet because the cloak put this glowy thing under them.
Sendany: Also, I might as well roleplay not being able to hide.
Tepp: Can we just head down the empty corridor and talk to the merchants.
DM: Sure.
DM: The merchants greet you in the deep gnome tongue.
Luna: I ask them politely to speak Common.
DM: They apologize and comply. They don't meet many surfacers.
DM: Except those two that passed by recently, one points out.
Tepp: *cough*
DM: ...I mean except that one that passed by recently, two point out.
DM: One points out.
Luna: Irenicus!
Luna: I ask them to describe him.
DM: They describe someone who looks like Irenicus.
Luna: Could it be someone else?
Tepp: Have you seen his bloody face. Who else would want to look like that.
Luna: Where did he go?
DM: He headed for the nearby drow city, Ust Natha.
Tepp: Lore check.
DM: Success. Ust Natha has been the staging point of many drow attacks on their surface kin.
DM: Suffice to say, it is a well defended city and storming it would be suicide. Especially if Irenicus is there.
Luna: I wonder if we have any other option. Let's ask around.
Luna: By the way, I don't suppose these merchants sell chocolate?
Tepp: Of course they do, did you miss all the cocoa and sugarcane plantations earlier?
Tepp: I buy a Freedom scroll. Actually, all of them, just in case.
Tepp: Oh, and I inquire until I actually have a reason to use one scroll. Hehe.

DM: You approach a swirly portal. An elemental appears.
Tepp: I send my five hasted magical swords at it and call for a dinner break while they keep destroying the elementals.
DM: Uh, okay. Did you order anything?
Tepp: Well not for you, you're gonna be rolling for the next ten minutes. My swords will move on to the other portals when-
DM: Your summons, your rolls.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Just give us 150k experience and let's have dinner.
DM: Deal.

DM: The Freedom spell frees a mage, Vithal, from the confines of the Imprisonment spell.
DM: He wonders if he has been freed to do battle.
Tepp: Nope, we're nice.
Tepp: But since he's clearly a surfacer he must have a special reason to be here. Whatever his plans are, we are now part of them.
DM: He explains that after much research he believes he has found a way to cross the planes using the swirly portals.
DM: He intends to plunder several elemental planes. If you help him, part of the loot is yours.
DM: But he needs his book of rituals. He dropped it before he was imprisoned and now he can't find it.
DM: Should you find it, he'll be at one of the portals.

The party heads north and kills some drow, and then frees all the victims of imprisonment, sparing every life possible.

Luna: That svirfneblin town sounds like somewhere we should go. The deep gnomes seem friendly.
DM: The gnomes allow you to pass, but ask that you... on your best behavior be.
Luna: I thank them.
Tepp: I talk to every gnome with a name.
DM: One named Goldander understands your problem, and believes he can be of assistance.
DM: A creature named Adalon-
Tepp: Is she a deep gnome?
DM: No, she's a wondrous-
Tepp: Does she have an eyepatch?
DM: ...
Tepp: Is she a woman?
DM: Elan is your idol, admit it. And shut up.
DM: Adalon can likely counsel you, but to see her you will need a Light Gem.
Sendany: Hmm, emptying the gem bag.
DM: You don't have one in there.
Sendany: Are you sure? This pearl for example feels rather light compared to a diamond.
DM: Not a light gem, a Light Gem.
Sendany: Oh so now it's okay to be a bitch about capitalization when we're actually speaking.
Luna: A bitch about emphasis actually, which is rather fine.
DM: A VERY SHINY GEM OKAY CAN WE CONTINUE.
DM: Goldander has such a stone, and will give it to you in exchange for a favor.
Tepp: Find a stool, I don't think Waffles can give him a favor even if she gets on her knees.
Luna: Nice job revealing that I'm playing a tall race.
Tepp: I'm not surprised that was your chief concern.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The gnomes were a bit too diggy and found something nasty. You have to kill it and then undig the hole with the Stoneshape scroll provided.
Luna: Okay, that sounds like a plan.

Tepp: Sendy, a fateful choice will be made again.
Sendany: This is painful.
Tepp: Before long, both the limbs will be gone. So it doesn't really matter which one goes.
Sendany: I'll go, no problem.
Sendany: Just one crime to repeat on the list. Because three is a magic number.

The party brings the balor to the brink of death.

Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for colonoscopic malpractice.
DM: The balor dies, along with a little of my faith in humanity.
Sendany: I throw my Kangaxx arm down the hole.
Sendany: I mean, the hole the gnomes dug.
Sendany: Not the hole-
DM: Yeah, we get it.
Tepp: I don't, please elaborate.
Luna: You were concerned the leg was useless, but I am quite close to taking it and framing Kangaxx for kicking both of you down this hole THAT THE GNOMES DUG.
Sendany: Sheesh, no need to be so specific. What other hole could you even be talking about?
Tepp: I use the Stoneshape scroll.
DM: The cavern looks like it did before the gnomes started digging.
DM: Goldander gives you the Light Gem.
Sendany: It's kind of heavy-
DM: Don't. Start.
DM: He also gives you a magical mace. Skullcrusher +3.
Luna: Wow, at long last I have a +3 weapon.
DM: Could have had a pretty amazing one long ago if the jackass didn't leave the de'Arnise Keep without restoring the flail.
Tepp: It was on the list of things to do. I blame you for letting the Roenalls have the keep as soon as we left.
DM: Because of the manner in which you left.
Sendany: I don't think the readers know.
Tepp: We'll tell them when we have some time off.
DM: You ALWAYS have time off. There's no real timer.
Tepp: Then we'll wait until we tend to have timers so we can tell it in our spare time.
DM: Suit yourselves.

DM: You receive some lousy bracers for saving some guy's son and you pick up the mage's book of rituals.
Tepp: Okay, we return it to the mage.
Tepp: Right, listen up sir mage.
Tepp: We don't care for the lousy stick you're gonna end up giving us, or even for the things you'll keep for yourself.
Tepp: We ask but one thing in exchange for our services.
Tepp: *tears welling up*
Luna: It's NOT tragic to give up the final limb, okay.
Sendany: Yes it is.
Sendany: I thought women liked sensitive men.
Luna: Only officially.
Tepp: On that note, do you know of a greater turnoff?
Luna: Several, but that one is both effective and always available.
Tepp: Good to know. Anyway, back to Vithal.
Tepp: He will drop Kangaxx' remaining leg on one of the planes. We don't want to know which. He will tell no one else anything of it.
Tepp: Preferably, he will forget it ever happened.
DM: He is perplexed, but he agrees.
Tepp: We also assume he will guard his secrets of planar travel very well.
DM: He will.
Tepp: Okay, let's go. Fire gate.
DM: A guardian appears. It is a fire elemental.
Tepp: Do tell us of how he uses Burning Hands on it.
Tepp: Clearly it takes a bloody genius to figure out planar travel.
DM: Let's wrap this trivial miniquest up, okay?
Tepp: Sure.
DM: The mage is relieved you were honorable businessmen. He wishes you good luck.
Sendany: I subtly pickpocket him, but only to confirm the leg is gone.
DM: It is.
Luna: Let's see this Adalon now.

DM: (I'm surprised you didn't want to run off and get all three ritual items first.)
Tepp: (I've done that so many times. Like first, she asks for them, and I have the option to say I already acquired this one, or that one, but I can't say I have all three.)
Tepp: (So I have to like talk to her again and then she just takes all three and pretends I only got one.)
Tepp: (Every time I hope it will be different, that she will instantly drop her dark panties before my might.)
Tepp: (Every time, I am disappointed. The bloody bitch is more impressed I killed the sorry Solaufein, even. So no. We will wait until we receive the quest, and then we will take our time and get ONE of the items.)
Tepp: (My heart can't bear to be broken again.)

DM: Adalon's cavern is bloody huge and yet you are all too stupid to suspect she's a dragon.
Tepp: Also a woman.
DM: Not because of the size of her lair.
Tepp: If Waffles' chocolate consumption weren't limited by our economy, that logic might not hold.
DM: Riveting story, chap.
DM: Adalon is a bit upset because Irenicus stole her eggs and gave them to the drow.
DM: She is tasked with upholding peace between the surface elves and the drow, but she has been informed that if she interferes with their plans they will be serving omelet in Ust Natha.
DM: If you help her get her eggs back, she will grant you safe passage to the surface, the same way Irenicus left.
DM: You may also have a pretty useless crossbow.
Luna: And how does she propose we do that?
DM: You infiltrate Ust Natha. She will disguise you as drow. Do whatever you need to do to get her eggs back.
Luna: Any objections?
Sendany: Shiny silver scales. Good dragon. Probably nice.
Tepp: No objections. Yet anyway.
Luna: Okay, we agree.
DM: She casts a powerful illusion spell that disguises you all as drow, and teaches you to speak their dark tongue fluently.
DM: She also recommends-
Tepp: Okay, now I object. Nobody will be called Veldrin.
DM: Why not?
Tepp: Let's talk about the fundamentals of drow society. Breed, Betray, Behead.
Tepp: It is imperative for them to breed like all the time to not exterminate themselves with their constant killing.
Tepp: Furthermore, when it comes to elves, it's hard to tell men from women. They all look like women.
Sendany: Especially the women.
Tepp: You didn't mess that joke up at all.
Tepp: My point is, a drow needs to have a name that speaks their gender. You can't run around with a unisex name like Veldrin. They wouldn't know what to do with you.
DM: Then I'd sympathize with them.
Tepp: So let us pick our own names.
DM: Do you know anything about drow names?
Tepp: Watch and learn. Inspired by the name Solaufein, I will be Yolofein.
Luna: Here we go...
Sendany: Inspired by the name Zaknafein Do'Urden, I shall be Swagnafein Do'Urmom.
Tepp: Bahaha! I'm Sendy's brother. Kangaxx high five... aww, we can't anymore.
Luna: Truly a tragedy.
Luna: Actually...
Luna: I'll go with the Drizzt theme and be Maya Do'Urmom.
Tepp: That's funny because Maya sounds like may I.
DM: Aha.
Sendany: Her manners put us all to shame.
Luna: Can we go to the fucking city now.
Sendany: Okay, not anymore.

enqenq · March 2015

Professional plotbreaking

DM: The city looks pretty cool.
DM: You've been expected. You are sent to talk to one Solaufein.
Tepp: Okay, everyone act as wimpy as can be without blowing our cover. Let me do the talking whenever possible.
Luna: We can't be wimpy at all. We're drow.
Tepp: The drow can't argue our efficiency even if we act all emasculated.
Tepp: Look, I've been really nice since... since, you know.
Luna: I know.
Luna: You have.
Luna: Okay, if you say so.
Tepp: We act like wimps when talking to Solaufein.
DM: (I can't even understand why you would do this.)
Tepp: (Good.)
DM: Solaufein looks down on you and tells you to go to the city entrance.
Tepp: Consider it done.
Tepp: We keep acting like wimps before Solaufein and...
DM: Imrae.
DM: Imrae wonders why the female is being a wimp too.
Tepp: (Sound male.)
Luna: (I have a female name.)
Tepp: (Pft, I'm sure it'll fly as unisex too.)
Luna: (I hate you.)
Luna: I put on a male voice.
DM: Imrae hopes you all get killed but succeed with the task before you.
DM: You are to kill some illithid and free some important drow named Phaere.
Luna: Okay.

Luna: You better not break the quest with your illithid-repellant brain.
Tepp: "Repellant" and "break" mix well in your world, eh.
Luna: Ha. Ha.
DM: Do you wish to tell Solaufein anything before you start?
Sendany: I want to talk about the trauma of my first kill.
DM: He's not interested.
Sendany: I am hurt.
DM: He senses the illithid nearby, and pulls them out of the Astral Plane.
Tepp: Okay, kick their asses as hard as possible.

The party kicks the illithid's asses as hard as possible.

DM: Phaere is impressed by your fighting skills.
Tepp: We only wish we could have solved things peacefully.
DM: Phaere is repelled by your lack of balls, and says something about never expecting Solaufein to be the manliest drow in her presence.
DM: You are to return to Ust Natha and meet Phaere at the entrance.

DM: Imrae still thinks you're pitiful, but can't argue your usefulness.
DM: She says to meet Phaere at the tavern.
Tepp: We meet her at the tavern.
DM: She says to meet her at the entrance.
Tepp: We meet her at the entrance.
DM: She says to meet her at like the other end of the city.
Sendany: Is this because we're wimps?
Tepp: Nah, women can't make up their minds.
DM: Phaere says now you're gonna kill a beholder.
DM: Solaufein tries to explain, without breaking the fourth wall, to not hit him or Phaere with any recklessly aimed AoE spells, because they will go bonkers even on the 65% probability that they resist them and the 100% probability that they survive them.
DM: Phaere gets interrupted before she can point out that she can outheal the damage anyway.
Tepp: We kick the beholder's ass hard.
DM: It does not have one.
Tepp: Figure of speech.
DM: Yeah you killed it.
Luna: Wow, so you can kill beholders without whipping out the cheeseshield.
Sendany: I do the cloak dance.
Luna: You don't have one.
Sendany: Do now.
DM: Phaere says to meet her at the tavern.

DM: Okay, now you have some time off.
DM: The readers are dying to know of some quests.
Tepp: Fortunate it is that the journal automagically divides itself into completed and unfinished quests.
Tepp: I bet the readers want to know why Waffles keeps whining about beholders and cheese.
Tepp: It's because we used a certain shield during the Unseeing Eye quest.
Luna: And you laughed to no end about how effortlessly we defeated the beholders.
Sendany: While pointing out there's no such thing as a Challenge Rating in second edition.
Luna: You were the one pointing that out.
Tepp: Well anyway, Waffles refused to claim a reward for such a stomp. But we did do everything except report success. So we're still heroes.
Luna: At least you conceded a good deed is its own reward.
Luna: Not all character progress is measured in experience points.
Tepp: Well, you were the one closest to a level up, so it was indirectly rewarding.
Luna: Bah.
DM: Sendany also had to wait unnecessarily long to get a +3 weapon.
Luna: Yeah, here we go.
Luna: Your dumbest project ever. And that's saying a lot.
Tepp: *sniff*
Tepp: It involved Kangaxx...
Sendany: A toast to the petty criminal, Kangaxx!
Tepp: Indeed, a toast.
Luna: Just for the record, we did at least kill the Shade Lord as we fled the Umar dungeon. Before these stories make us seem totally incompetent.
Sendany: We finished Mae'var off, but Horsebreath wouldn't go turn it in immediately.
Sendany: Because he wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Stock up on Feeblemind scrolls.
Tepp: Which, naturally, takes us to the de'Arnise Hold. Because everyone knows there's one such scroll behind Tor'Gal.
DM: "Everyone" also knows there however aren't enough scrolls overall to do what you wanted to do.
Tepp: My memory can't be perfect. Intelligence is for mages.
Tepp: So anyway, being logistically-minded as I am, we picked up the fire and acid heads on our way to Tor'Gal.
Sendany: And then you wanted to not put the stew in the right place.
Tepp: Hehe, no.
Sendany: Must be pointed out how well isolated our backpacks are. The umber hulks can like instantly smell the stew from like three rooms away, but not as we walk right past them.
Tepp: Like he said, we sneaked past the umber hulks. Improved Invisibility and stuff. Great spell, for the record. Easy +4 saving throws.
Tepp: Then we killed Tor'Gal. And looted the stuff behind him. Got that scroll.
Tepp: And then I wanted to use the stew to lure the umber hulks all the way to Kangaxx' sarcophagus.
Tepp: And ultimately put it inside, because you can put things in it, but not take them out.
Sendany: Good buddy Kangaxx would have six umber hulks protecting him instead of those lousy minotaurs.
DM: Logistically-minded as you are, you couldn't complete the flail and report success before starting your two digit hours Arnise-Athkatla gauntlet.
Tepp: A small oversight, yes.
Luna: Also, there were only five umber hulks in the room.
Tepp: Yet the bloody stove keeps saying the pot is full enough to feed six for some reason.
Luna: Stoves don't speak.
Tepp: Wish you didn't.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, the Lord of the Level had our umber hulk entourage killed as soon as we entered the Gates District.
Sendany: A toast to the umber hulks. They fought bravely.
Tepp: A toast, a toast.
DM: Else I would have had them starve to death.
Tepp: A toast to like the only beings in the game that actually require sustenance.
Sendany: A toast, a toast.
Tepp: The minotaurs did fine without, for example.

Sendany: And when we returned to the keep, it was like locked and stuff. Roenall property.
Sendany: Nalia was not too pleased with the delay in reporting success.
Sendany: Nor was she, for some reason, impressed by me juggling the two now-useless flail heads.
Sendany: She did not like us at all.
Tepp: A toast to your ability to juggle two items.
Sendany: Thank you! A toast to your creativeness.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, then we got really mad with the DM and forgot about Renal until we made the Shadow Thieves angry-
Sendany: -but not before subtly disposing of Arkanis Gath at the cost of a Kangaxx leg, if anyone didn't catch it-
Tepp: -so Renal didn't wanna stay for us to report success.
Tepp: And then we kinda had to get the Celestial Fury to make Sendy stop crying.
DM: You realize, by the way, that no one has called you out on an inconsistency.
DM: You never did the Windspear dungeon, yet you had the Illithid Correspondence to dump in Kangaxx' sarcophagus.
Tepp: Um...
Tepp: (Is it Tazok that has the key? I hope it's Tazok.)
Tepp: (Who the hell keeps track of what DigDag drops and what Tazok drops. Maybe some metagamer who kills DigDag at the entrance.)
Tepp: Tazok was sore about some of our history and sought us out. Much encouraged by Firkraag.
Sendany: That's canon now.
Tepp: Yep. Many toasts to it.
Sendany: Twenty toasts to Tazok's vendetta.
Tepp: It's your job to call that out, anyway.
DM: Fine.
DM: And why did you not do the Planar Prison?
Tepp: 'cause we set ourselves up perfectly for not getting more than two pairs of Boots of Speed before this campaign was over.
Tepp: Even one pair now, as it turns out.
Tepp: Would have been endless whine about not everyone having a pair. I'm a nice guy, really.
Sendany: Could also just have sold them if that were the issue. Where my Gauntlets of Weapon Skill, bro?
Tepp: Bah, you'll get better ones.
Tepp: (Wonder if they will actually be in the vampire lair now that we wiped out the guild prematurely. Drat.)
DM: There's another thing the readers wonder.
DM: I wonder it too.
DM: It's a rather fundamental thing that everyone should have been told by now, really.
Tepp: (Oh shit oh shit.)
DM: What's Luna's deity?
Tepp: (Whew.)
Luna: Selûne.
Tepp: Really creative there. Luna, follower of Selûne.
Sendany: A toast to her creativity!
Tepp: Yeah whatever, a toast.
Luna: Would have been so original if Selûne were called Selemene, wouldn't it.
Tepp: Don't think anyone here plays Dota 2, and if they do I don't think they care about the "lore".
DM: Hmm.
DM: So a cleric of Selûne first tries to stop the execution of a cleric of Shar, and then performs the deed herself.
Luna: I didn't know the drow was a cleric of Shar.
Luna: Also, we agreed Kangaxx did it.
Sendany: She's right! Kangaxx climbs the criminal ladder.
Tepp: A toast to Kangaxx, slayer of twelve!
Sendany: A toast, a toast!
Sendany: I bet Luna always wanted to have one or two limbs for herself. It was very insensitive of us not to share.
Sendany: I heard you don't like sensitive, however...
Luna: Hey you.

enqenq · March 2015

Consequences. Again.

DM: Right, let's continue.
DM: Phaere wants you to kill some gnomes.
Tepp: We wimpily obey, implying as much as we can afford that we will just let Solaufein do the dirty work.
Tepp: Then we set out.
DM: Solaufein is waiting for you.
Tepp: We tell him we will gather manliness from the bottom of our souls to squash the puny gnomes.
Tepp: At least kill the leader and run off with his helm.
Tepp: Maybe just...
DM: Enough.
DM: Fine, he'll let you do it alone.
DM: If you weren't overleveling this whole chapter, there's no way I would let the drow accept your behavior for your fighting prowess.
Tepp: Okay, we explain the situation to the leader all toughguy-like.
Tepp: He gives us his helm.
DM: ...he gives you his helm.
Tepp: We hand over the helm without any blood or buckles on it to Phaere, trying our best to hide our remorse.
DM: Yeah, yeah.
DM: Phaere wants you all to meet her at her home.
DM: She explains briefly that she wants you spineless rothe to kill Solaufein. She hopes she won't have to say it twice.
Tepp: We agree most reluctantly.

Luna: Are we gonna kill him?
Tepp: Nah. She just wants his cloak.
Luna: Okay.
Tepp: We wimp it up to Solaufein and spend like ten minutes saying we really don't wanna kill him but will if we have to.
Tepp: Really rather just have his cloak.
DM: ...he can't argue your fighting skills and gives you his cloak.
Tepp: Cheers.
Tepp: Okay, no arguing now. I coat everyone with the dog stew that we never got to give the umber hulks.
DM: There are limits to how much bullshit I will tolerate, you know.
Luna: Ewww. You kept THAT?
Tepp: No arguing.
DM: ...Phaere tells you to stay as far away from her as possible and just put the cloak on the floor.
Tepp: Aww.
DM: She says to meet her at the temple. There's no time for a bath.
Tepp: We do so.
DM: The matron mother wants you to get some badass trophy from a neighboring race.
DM: Preferably together with an overdose of testosterone.
DM: Get out before she has you whipped.

Tepp: I can't shine with Horrid Wilting against the stupid kuo-toans and Waffles hates it when we kill beholders effortlessly.
Tepp: We mess with the illithid.
DM: Okay.
DM: They capture you.
Tepp: Well drat. Now we gotta kill umber hulks.
DM: Now you gotta kill umber hulks.
DM: Do as the aliens say or bigbrain gets mad.
Tepp: We kill some umber hulks.
DM: You now have some githyanki neighbors.
Tepp: Do we still have the delightful smell of rotten dog stew?
DM: *sigh*
DM: If you wish.
Tepp: I don't.
Tepp: Let's be friends with the githyanki.
DM: They're preparing for battle. No time to chat.
Tepp: Skip to them fighting and losing one guy.
DM: ...done.
Luna: Do you really need to metagame again?
Tepp: ...okay, no.
Tepp: (I think the writer is just eager to get to something in here.)
Tepp: In fact, you can do the talking for this dungeon.
Luna: Part of the decision making process again.
Luna: You too, Sendy.
Sendany: Well I usually just concur with you, but okay.
DM: The githyanki suspect that you will be fighting each other next.
Luna: That's regrettable.
DM: Their leader, Simyaz, proposes that while they combat the illithid's mental influence, you find a way out for everyone.
Luna: Sendy?
Sendany: Don't plan on taking up residence.
Luna: We agree.

DM: You kill some stupid kuo-toans. Tepp has to cast Fireball to not suck at damage.
Luna: We break out.
DM: The ogre attacks.
Luna: We fight if we have to.
DM: You have to.
DM: The ogre dies.

The party progresses to the point that the way out is clear.

DM: The githyanki, who are typically idiot zealots, would suddenly rather escape than help you fight the Elder Brain.
DM: They do so, but you may insult them before they leave.
Luna: Pass.

The party progresses to the Elder Brain's room.

Luna: That's what we needed, right? Blood from that brain?
Tepp: Yep.
Luna: Could we just kill it and run?
Sendany: Sounds preferable. It can do nasty things, I hear. We might not be in fighting shape after killing it.
Tepp: It hasn't really done much. It just enhances the minds of the illithid in here, and almost all are dead. Leave the brain for last.

The party wipes out the brain's guardians.

Tepp: OKAY!
Tepp: Consistency time.
Luna: Huh?
Tepp: Don't kill the brain yet.
Tepp: This brain has like 25 int, right?
DM: If it could have more, it would.
Tepp: So it knows like, everything.
DM: If you tell it something, it won't forget it.
Tepp: And it could figure anything out?
DM: Any logical problem, yes.
Tepp: Is P=NP?
Sendany: Bahaha.
Luna: Heh.
DM: ...the brain uses its superior intelligence to answer the question?
Tepp: No no.
Tepp: I said consistency time. Some other DM didn't let some other party get away with that answer for the circus riddle.
DM: Well I am not some other DM and you are not some other party.
Tepp: Just answer that one question.
DM: If I knew the answer to a question worth a million bucks and mathematical prestige until the day I die, do you really think I'd be lord of a basement to which my mother may or may not have some legal claim???
Tepp: Wow. Yes or no.
DM: Yes.
Tepp: Prove it.
DM: You said just that one question.
Tepp: "Prove it" was not a question. It was a request.
DM: I can't.
Tepp: So the brain refuses? It's defenseless.
Sendany: Doing the cloak dance on the brain.
Sendany: Is the brain slippery?
DM: P=NP if P=0 or N=1 or N>0 and P=±∞.
Tepp: It's not an equation.
DM: GAH.
DM: Twentyfive adamantite golems.
Tepp: Bring it.
DM: One sorcerer.
Tepp: Ohh, pick me.
DM: Colonoscopic malpractice.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: So I think we need a quest item from this here brain.

DM: On the way back to Ust Natha, the party meets Simyaz and his subjects.
DM: You are free to boast about how you wiped out the illithid without them.
Luna: In fact, even I am up for that.
Luna: Seems Horsebreath isn't the only one intent on being a wimp.
DM: They shrug it off. They care only for their Silver Blade.
DM: Which you still have.
Luna: If they can prove it's theirs, they will have it back.
DM: The mere knowledge that you have it is almost enough to incite them to attack you.
Luna: Wow, one freaking receipt is all I ask to see.
Sendany: Bahahaha!
Tepp: Only took like ten episodes for you to be lawful anal once.
Luna: I can't help that the writer likes anagrams so much, yet couldn't just make one of lawful good.
DM: The githyanki attack.
Luna: Oh, bring it. Could have earned the blade, wimps.

The party slays the githyanki band.

DM: You return to Ust Natha.
DM: The gates are closed. Locked. Magically.
Tepp: ...this isn't supposed to happen.
Luna: Oh really? I remember what happened the last time you said that! What have you done NOW?
DM: Maybe the drow didn't buy all the wimping.
DM: Maybe they sent their own party to acquire one of the other ritual items.
DM: Maybe they got here while you harassed the freaking brain instead of just killing it.
Luna: What does this mean? Are we stuck here now?
DM: No. The ritual will proceed as planned, the drow will gain a powerful demon ally in exchange for the eggs, and Adalon will despise you.
DM: Does despise you.
DM: You are free to leave the Underdark. The jackass knows where the exit is.
DM: But until Adalon dies, or you somehow earn her forgiveness, you will look like drow.
DM: And she is not exactly waiting for you in her lair.
Sendany: Wow. I bet you could avoid fighting every single dragon in this campaign, and we manage to piss even the good one off.
Luna: You can't be serious.

enqenq · March 2015

Professional plotfixing

Luna: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
Luna: WHAT KIND OF OPTIONS ARE THOSE!
Luna: KILL A GRIEVING MOTHER OR LOOK LIKE DROW UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE!
Luna: A SILVER DRAGON!
DM: Look, the jackass-
Luna: I AM TALKING TO THE JACKASS.
DM: *sits back and enjoys the show*
Luna: YOUR. FAULT.
Tepp: Hey, he just changes the story as he pleases.
Luna: Sendy. Did you get the impression that us acting like wimp drow was how the story was supposed to play out?
Sendany: ...
Sendany: No.
Luna: And while you may enjoy activities he inspires, like framing Kangaxx, do you actually enjoy ALL his little plots and schemes?
Sendany: I don't understand all of them.
Luna: That makes two of us.
DM: Sometimes three.
Luna: Because that jackass is only out to BREAK THE PLOT.
Luna: He has been ever since he nagged at the very start to have the DM let Sendy to pick the locks on our cages.
Luna: Ever since he left Imoen a fucking NOTE.
Luna: "Didn't want to wake you. Break out on your own. We'll leave the doors open. Catch you later XOXO"
Luna: How could I ever believe he gave a damn about her?
Luna: He might use his knowledge to great lengths to break the plot, and he'll gladly have his character know things it shouldn't just to accomplish that.
Luna: But he couldn't spare the breath to stop me from killing Bodhi.
Luna: I was so moved by his speech on Brynnlaw.
Luna: I was so impressed that he could find it in him to deliver the killing blow.
Luna: It's because it didn't bother him. It was his chance for a clean slate. To start breaking things again.
Luna: TO. WHAT. FUCKING. END?
Luna: Do you just THRIVE on the chaos?
Tepp: ...
Tepp: It's not hard to figure out where Adalon will be.
Luna: How will you EVER earn her forgiveness?
Tepp: ...we won't have to. She'll get herself killed trying to take revenge on the drow or Irenicus.
Luna: And you're okay with that?
Luna: Maybe you'd like to help them?
Tepp: Okay, so I may have had a very longterm plan for a little joke.
Tepp: And it may have gotten out of hand.
Luna: What is it? What is the joke?
Tepp: I didn't go through all of this to spoil it.
Luna: You said "may have had".
Tepp: Because I don't expect I need to do more.
Luna: ...
Luna: So you're done breaking the plot?
Luna: And I mean, DONE. As in, one more attempt at it and I will not have you around this table anymore.
DM: You'd forgive him so readily?
Luna: I do not forgive him. But I do not expect we can fix things without him by now.
Luna: Provided he WANTS to fix anything.
Luna: He has the knowledge. He has the creativity. And his class is bloody well more overpowered than mine at this point.
Luna: Take the amulet. You have Improved Alacrity by now, I believe.
Luna: Goof around all you like. It's funny at times. Tolerable, for most part.
Luna: But make one more move to break the plot - and I will ask that our DM calls it out long before I have to figure it out - and I will strangle you with that amulet, I will tighten it so hard around your neck that no version of Vocalize will overcome the silence.
Luna: IS. THAT. CLEAR?
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Clear.
Tepp: And keep the amulet.
Luna: So.
Luna: Where is the exit?

DM: The party arrives at the gates to the exit.
Tepp: Okay, we don't have much time. I'm sure the ritual finished before we even got here. Soon the drow will pour through here, with a lesser demon lord clearing the way for them.
Tepp: We need to get to the surface and let the elves know the worst is yet to come.
Tepp: And we need to convince them while looking like drow.
Tepp: Not sure charisma can fix this.
Tepp: *deep breath*
Tepp: Getting out at least should be trivial. Let's try to avoid combat as much as possible. Don't want to kill any surface elves, but I don't think they will assume us friendly for taking out the drow either. Betrayal is natural among the dark elves.
Tepp: Improved Invisibility. Times two.
Sendany: Hiding.
DM: You make it to the surface, where detection spells immediately reveal you.
DM: Elves swing at you furiously.
Tepp: Don't fight back.
Tepp: I need to say something no ally of Irenicus could know...
Tepp: Curses. Can't really think of anything Elhan would know that Irenicus wouldn't.
Tepp: STOP. STOP.
Tepp: Drop your weapons and submit.
DM: The elves cease their pummeling. You are all badly wounded.
DM: They tie your hands, and their general examines you.
DM: He asks what treachery is at play for you to break their line just to surrender.
Tepp: I ask that he bring his war sages.
Tepp: I swear by all my heart that we will not lie to them.
DM: He is highly suspicious, but does send for one war sage.
DM: The general interrogates you. Why have you breached the surface?
Tepp: To warn them that the drow have even more evil in store for them.
DM: Truth, the war sage confirms.
DM: Why would you tell them? Are you trying to twist the truth so that the elves will respond poorly to it?
Tepp: Because we are not drow.
Tepp: We are under an illusion to look like drow.
DM: Truth on both accounts.
DM: The general sends for his superior, Elhan, as well as another war sage.
DM: If you are not drow, then what are you?
Tepp: Assorted surfacedwellers.
DM: Elhan demands a straight answer.
Tepp: Our origins are of no consequence. The elves have very little time before an overpowering force will tear through their lines and burn this encampment to ash.
DM: The war sages confirm that you strongly believe what you say.
DM: Yet, you could simply have been made to believe it.
Tepp: Irenicus stole-
DM: Elhan demands you tell him everything you know about Irenicus.
Sendany: (I think he was kinda doing that.)
Tepp: Irenicus stole the eggs of a silver dragon and gave them to the drow. They offered them to a lesser demon lord in exchange for his services.
Tepp: Our illusion is the dragon's doing. A strategy to reclaim her eggs. We failed.
DM: Absolute truth on all accounts.
DM: (How do I manage to justify them confirming what you know only through metagaming?)
DM: Elhan says it would explain why a silver dragon has joined the fight. Or is trying to, at any rate.
Luna: Trying to?
DM: The elven city of Suldanessellar is hidden and only a certain artifact can reveal it.
DM: Within, they can only imagine what atrocities Irenicus is committing.
Luna: Where is the artifact?
DM: Its location is not the problem. But it is guarded by powerful creatures.
Luna: No time to lose. Let us at them.
DM: Despite the war sages confirming your story, Elhan does not quite trust you.
Tepp: How much harm could we do even if we were against them. Let us at the guardians. They have nothing to lose.
DM: Elhan concedes it is a fair point.
DM: If you return with the Rhynn Lanthorn, you will have gained his trust.
Tepp: So release us. And give us our weapons back.
DM: It is done.
Tepp: And evacuate the site before it is overwhelmed.
DM: Elhan will take precautions.
Tepp: And one last thing, before the war sages leave.
DM: Yes?
Tepp: P=NP.
Sendany/Luna: Hahahaha!
DM: Ha. They don't know what's true, they only know if you consider yourself to be telling the truth, jackass.
Tepp: Also, ask Elhan if he's keeping stakes and holy water around.
DM: Go get the Rhynn Lanthorn already.
Tepp: Where is it?
DM: In the Government District.

DM: On your way to Athkatla, you encounter a famous drow...
DM: Hold! He calls. Have you seen a...
DM: He then realizes you're drow, and becomes tense.
Sendany: Fear not, Drizzt! We mean you no harm.
Drizzt: Who are you?
Sendany: I am Swagnafein of House Do'Urmom. This is my brother Yolofein and our sister Maya.
Drizzt: Maya?
Drizzt: No matter... if you mean no harm, have you perhaps seen a pink hammer around?
Tepp: (Hahaha pink hammer.)
Luna: (How do you drop a hammer without noticing?)
Sendany: We have not!
Drizzt: Ah. Well met and safe travels to you then, children of House... Do'Urmom.
Tepp: (Ask him to help us since you're so eager to talk...)
Sendany: Hold. Would you care for a chance to battle evil?

The party enlists the aid of Drizzt.

DM: You arrive in the Government District.
Tepp: Nothing canon about this so don't count on me to automatically know the solution here, for the record.
Luna: Okay. Well the park in the middle seems like a good place to start.
DM: Well yeah, I needed a large open field on short notice and the jackass would probably have found a way to annoy me if I made an area up.
Tepp: Not sure why you think I'll do worse with an area I know of, but sure.

DM: You see the Rhynn Lanthorn.
DM: ...
DM: Look, let's just assume you know what it looks like.
DM: It's elevated in the air, and you have a feeling some lame plot mechanic will keep you from taking it until its guardians lie dead.
Tepp: You didn't really think this through, did you?
Sendany: Lanneth quote!!!! What do I win?
Sendany: Or is it "really didn't"...
DM: I thought the choice of guardians through. Because karma is a bitch.
DM: The Shadow Dragon is here. Add one wyrm.
Sendany: Adalon?
Tepp: Firkraag, titwit.
Tepp: That's it?
DM: Feel free to have some of Firkraag's minions.
DM: Like a lot of them.
DM: How about all. Times three.
Sendany: And the guards are okay with this.
DM: None of these creatures bother anyone so long as the artifact is left in peace.
Tepp: It's that RPG law where you can cram pretty much any combination of monsters into an area, and they will immediately form a tacit agreement to not fight each other, only PC's.
Luna: I thought I taught you something about tacit agreements.
Tepp: Good point.
Tepp: Um, about the times three thing. Did the golems breed or something?
DM: Fine, not three times the golems. But the vampires and the werewolves. Wolfweres.
Tepp: Alright. Well, I do have some things to say before we begin.

enqenq · March 2015

The dragon and the demilich

Tepp: Firstly, you said Shadow Dragon, yet also Firkraag.
Tepp: The Shadow Dragon has a name too, you know.
DM: I'm not gonna pronounce that.
Tepp: Just letting you know you are being sexist again. Because it's a she. Anyway.
Tepp: Why should the Shadow Dragon be angry with us? She didn't hear what we planned. For all she knows, we killed her master, broke the wardstone without using it to like put five traps around her unchallenged, and got her a lot of gold and entertainment through the construction workers.
DM: Guarding the artifact allows her to cause suffering. That is all the reason she needs.
Sendany: That's my kind of woman...
Tepp: Right, right.
Tepp: Furthermore, I imagine if we were to hypothetically not have mugged Firkraag but done things by the book, and then questioned him about what he knows about Irenicus, he might have said he would have, I quote, no dealings with that creature.
Tepp: Just a hunch.
DM: It's funny how an attempt on your life can throw your priorities around, yeah?
DM: Are you gonna argue about the minions or can we go?
Tepp: Also, I would like to have Kangaxx on our team.
Sendany: Kangaxx!
DM: He can't get out without his body. And bloody fat chance that will ever happen now.
Tepp: We agreed he killed twelve people.
Tepp: Either you agree with my logic here or I will harass you to summon endless enforcement parties to swing futilely at his skull.
DM: Let's hear the logic.
Tepp: Well let's just say someone found him. Maybe an orange ogre. And managed to get that easy leg for him. And one body part was enough for him to get out of the sarcophagus.
DM: Okay. Kangaxx is now here.
Sendany: Aww!
DM: You have a golden skull at the top of a golden leg. Hopping around.
Tepp: He has Lilarcor in his mouth too.
DM: Sure, not like he can speak anyway.
Tepp: He so can speak! He could speak when he was only a skull. He doesn't need lungs. He can talk to Lilarcor all day.
DM: Right, right. I am sure Kangaxx will make a huge difference here. Why should he be on your side? He hates you.
Tepp: He does, but ol' Kangy is a reasonable fellow.
Sendany: Kangy, very fitting now that he's hopping around like a kangaroo. This must be his intended fate.
Tepp: Kangy let us extort him for the ring. He was rational about it. He isn't going to join the horde of monsters trying to kill the only people who know where the rest of his body is.
DM: He bloody well would if he knew how hopeless it would be for him to get them now.
Tepp: Not arguing that.
DM: Okay, congratulations. You have acquired a one-thirdilich without any ability to cast spells-
Sendany: You said he could speak.
DM: Somatic component. Look it up.
DM: No ability to cast spells, terrible movement rate, one attack per round for 1d2 damage at 35 THAC0. If anyone at all attacks him, there's a 40% chance he'll drop the sword, a 40% chance he'll fall over, and a 10% chance the skull and the leg are disjoined. He cannot recover from any of these ailments on his own.
Sendany: Factor in the fear immunity and he's still more useful than Khalid though.
Tepp: Disjoining the body parts would mean destroying the one-thirdilich and creating a demi-one-thirdilich or a one-sixthilich. It should be three times as powerful as a demilich.
DM: ...
DM: He will not become a demilich unless his full body is reassembled and THEN destroyed.
DM: Also, if he did become a demilich, he wouldn't be on your team anymore.
Tepp: But the one-sixthilich should still be twice as powerful as the one-thirdilich.
Luna: Yeah twice as powerful as the Lilarkangaroo. Jump for joy.
DM: Yeah I'm gonna be really generous. The Demililarkangaroo can float around at will and attack with the sword once per round at 20 THAC0 for 1d2+2 damage. It has improved movement speed and is like immune to everything now.
DM: If you manage to keep the whole throng of monsters here for a year, Kangaxx will kill everything eligible to be hit by Lilarcor that doesn't have innate regeneration.
DM: But you might not have a year.
Tepp: Also, there should be a 20% chance each round for either form of the Lilarkangaroo to be futilely attacked by an enforcement party.
DM: Oh goodness FINE. Can we start fighting now?
Tepp: Don't be so impatient. We needed our mascot.
Tepp: By the way, how long did the journey take?
DM: 10 hours, why?
Tepp: Then it's day.
Tepp: Bye every undead creature in Firkraag's army.

DM: Are you gonna roll some dice now?
Tepp: We cast some defensive spells and send Kangaxx forward, hoping to trigger his transformation.
DM: Kangaxx does not answer to you just because he's on your team.
Tepp: I believe he has a fair deal of int so he should be able to figure out he's only useful to us as a tank.
DM: Okay, I am not gonna spend another paragraph arguing Kangaxx. He hops valiantly into battle.
DM: The dragons haste themselves.
Tepp: City.
DM: ...they bought licenses.
Tepp: Bloody DRAGONS bought licenses??
DM: Can't have eluded you that Firkraag has a human form.
Tepp: Like he'd pay the wizards anything. The only thing he does with wizards is roast them with his breath. Especially Conster.
DM: Okay fine, wizards teleport in and reprimand the dragons.
DM: But it was the dragons' first offense, so it won't help you.
DM: Speaking of which, YOU haven't bought a license still.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Okay Drizzt, you can come out now, this really isn't working out well.

DM: Drizzt's band and Kangaxx do their best to hold the line.
Luna: I heal them.
Tepp: Sendy, we need that Kangaxx transformation. Help him recover from the other crap until it happens.
Sendany: Seriously, that's what I'm gonna be doing?
Tepp: Get used to it, there's no one worth backstabbing that isn't immune to it. You can cram an area with traps later if you can sneak out.
Tepp: Let me handle this enforcement party now.
Tepp: My Horrid Wiltings vaporize wizards and dragonminions alike.
DM: The dragons arrive at the frontline.
Tepp: Scatter as much as we can afford or one breath attack will spell out TPK.
Tepp: I add a Planetar to the frontline.
Luna: Can you add it to the clericline instead? Someone's gonna die soon.
Tepp: Okay, the Planetar heals a lot and stuff.
Tepp: Can we keep the line stable now?
Luna: I have a feeling it's gonna be just Drizzt and Kangaxx sooner or later, but yeah for now.
Tepp: Sendy, do you still have that Wand of Cloudkill?
Luna: I thought that's what we call your tongue, Horsebreath.
DM: I veto you spamming the monstercrowd with cloudkills.
Tepp: Well how graceful of you.
Tepp: I empty my level 8 reserve as Horrid Wiltings.
DM: Kangaxx has attracted an enforcement party. A breath attack immediately hits them.
DM: Due to flagrant collateral damage, there is now nothing alive among the guardians that isn't magic resistant or immune.
Tepp: So the dragons and the golems.
DM: The wolfweres were unlucky on their rolls too. They're dead.
Luna: Wanna mention our frontline too? Like I said, soon it's only Drizzt and Kangaxx. Three of the band are on the brink of death.
DM: Kangaxx transforms.
Sendany: #contributing
Tepp: Okay, have the Demililarkangaroo try to attract as much attention as possible.
Tepp: Sendy, go cram an area with traps.
Luna: I'm really empty here and even Drizzt can't handle all this.
Tepp: Okay, the Planetar goes on the frontline now. Hand out whatever potions we have to Drizzt and his band.
Luna: The Planetar won't live long enough for that to be meaningful.
Tepp: I'm not gonna use my level 9 slots for anything else anyway.
Luna: Could have summoned a new one with more heals then.
Tepp: Well the bloody Planetars heal a lot faster when you don't actually tell them to, so watch these next ones tank for a long time.

DM: Drizzt's band is in acceptable fighting shape and rejoins the frontline.
DM: The golems' numbers are thinning out, but the dragons are at full strength.
DM: You are out of Planetars.
Tepp: But not out of Mordenkainen's Swords.
DM: Firkraag casts-
Tepp: No, he does NOT know Death Spell.
DM: Does too.
Tepp: Second offense.
DM: You've cast so many spells that your next offense would be like your 50th.
Tepp: Yeah I'm sure you've let Firkraag refresh his Stoneskin a number of times without even mentioning it too.
Tepp: Anyway it's not about number of offenses but time since the previous.
DM: And it's not been a whole hour by any means.
Tepp: Sigh.
Tepp: Well Firky, let's see how many memos you have of that Death Spell.
Tepp: Also, we try to steer the battle towards the trapfest.
Luna: I guess I am fighting instead of casting terrible spells.
Tepp: Go ahead.
DM: The dragons will not follow you to the traps.
DM: Distancing yourself from the wyrms will only cause them to use more breath attacks.
Sendany: Leave this to me.
Sendany: I've been waiting a LONG time for this.
Sendany: I. Insult. Firkraag's. Accent.
DM: ...
DM: Fine, you taunted him.
Sendany: Go me.

DM: Firkraag is terribly injured by the traps, but only Sendany is near him and short of a shocking blow he can't damage Firkraag through the Stoneskin.
Sendany: To hope for a natural 20...
Tepp: Just keep him busy, we're actually mopping things up over here.
Sendany: Fine. Evasion.
DM: The golems are dead.
Tepp: Breach, like a lot. On the Shadow Dragon.
DM: Drizzt's band is once again critically injured, but they manage to bring down the dragon.
DM: Drizzt naturally causes the killing blow so you get no experience.
DM: Firkraag will not stay and die. Sendany's taunts can't keep him in the battle.
DM: He takes off.
Luna: Oh come on, that's just lame.
Luna: I bet you're gonna say we can't take the artifact now 'cause one guardian is still alive, yet out of our reach.
DM: You bet right.
Luna: This is just bad DM'ing.
DM: I'm doing freaking excellent DM'ing allowing you to recover from this mess.
DM: But you know, the best challenges I can give you are those to which I do not have a predetermined solution.
DM: Just look, those two already have a plan.
Tepp: Alright, grab Kangy. Hold him still. Aim him. Keep still Kangy. Aim him, Sendy. We'll only get one shot at bringing down Firkraag. Aim Kangy well with that 18 dexterity that should have been 19.
Tepp: Right, here goes.
Sendany: *sniff*
Sendany: He's had so much training for this. He's all grown up now. I hope we taught him well.
Tepp: Word.
Tepp: I use my Ring of the Ram on the back of Kangaxx' skull.
Luna: The back of his skull? He IS a skull.
Sendany: One.
Sendany: Two.
Sendany/Tepp: COLONOSCOPIC! MAAAAAALPRAAAAAAAACTIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!
Luna: ...
Luna: That just became our fucking warcry, didn't it.

enqenq · March 2015

Hot on the trail

DM: The elves were too stupid to clear the camp, so it's been like burnt to the ground.
DM: But in the vicinity, you encounter Elhan and a few of his men.
DM: They were close to attacking you, but they remembered Sendany's unusual combination of sporting a katana while having Spell Turning at his feet.
Sendany: Mom always said I'm special.
Tepp: Show them the artifact.
DM: Elhan says it's not a minute too late. The demon was able to enter the city using its own dark powers, and even have the drow follow it.
DM: He fears the city is lost.
Tepp: Let's just go find out, shall we?
DM: Elhan leads you to the entrance.
Tepp: And on the way, Kangaxx catches up.
DM: Really.
Tepp: Wow, have some pity. He has been doing some hardcore floating to catch up with us.
Tepp: Had to leave Lilarcor behind.
Sendany: So somewhere in Athkatla there's a decaying red dragon corpse with a speaking hindside.
Sendany: Tourist attraction of the year.
Tepp: I think Lilarcor was a bad influence on Kangy. It's no wonder he became a criminal with that sword always encouraging violence.
Luna: Yeah, it was all the sword's fault.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, he left his leg in the sarcophagus and now he's with us. Or else.
Luna: He had a bath inbetween. Or even more else.

DM: What use is Kangaxx going to be. I'm not gonna let monsters swing at him futilely again.
Tepp: No, he's gonna be a threat now.
Tepp: Waffles, give him the Silver Blade.
DM: No vorpal hits.
Tepp: Yes vorpal hits.
DM: Okay, fine. But his THAC0 remains 20 and he still only gets one attack per round. So he attacks rarely and almost never hits because these endgame monsters have awesome AC. And on the occasion that he does hit, for these glorious 1d2+3 damage points, there's but a 25% chance of a vorpal hit, which still allows a saving throw.
DM: Do the maths.
Tepp: This is what you use Elder Brains for.
DM: The point is, he will still suck, even with vorpal hits.
Tepp: Suck? Poor Kangy is trying his best. It's not easy being a disembodied skull.
Tepp: Also, he had 20 THAC0 already with Lilarcor, which had a clunky hilt he had to impractically chew down on. The Silver Blade is just a blade - easy to keep between his teeth.
Tepp: Plus, he has been doing this for a while now. He should have some proficiency.
DM: What, Tooth-Handed Weapon Style? He will not be made a combat asset again, forget it.
Tepp: ...
DM: If you ask nicely, I'll say the Silver Blade is a +4 weapon when wielded by him, so he can be your bodyguard against adamantite golems.
Tepp: (What a noob, +3 was already enough.)
Tepp: I'll take that. He stays with us.
DM: Apparently so.

DM: The entrance looks like a battlefield, yet Elhan says he left no troops there.
Luna: Adalon.
DM: Indeed. She has been attacking the drow at every given opportunity, but the demon was too much for her. She is injured.
DM: She does not attack you.
Luna: We give her our sincerest condolences.
DM: She does not believe you. She told you to act like drow. You didn't act one bit like drow.
Luna: What, is she metagaming too now?
Tepp: Nah, she has some stupid imp telling her what we do.
Tepp: Just tell her we had our reasons.
DM: She does not buy that, but both the demon and Irenicus are more important for her to kill than you are. So consider her an ally.
Luna: Will she lift the illusion?
DM: She says the city is overrun. The illusion will help you infiltrate it. There are likely no elves left to think you the enemy.
DM: You will give her the artifact. She will let any elven reinforcements through and stop all drow.
Luna: Should we?
Tepp: Let Elhan use it to let us in first.
Luna: Yeah, that.

DM: You enter a ravaged city. It looks to be completely in the hands of Irenicus and his minions.
Tepp: How does Kangaxx feel about this?
DM: *sigh*
DM: Kangaxx is indifferent.
Tepp: Don't be like that. He's like had no one to talk to, and then only a psychopath sword. I care about his feelings.
DM: He feels you should give him his body back.
Tepp: Now now, I know he feels a little incomplete, but Aerie is a crybaby about her wings too for a while. She gets over it. So will he. With my support.
DM: Are you trying to romance Kangaxx??
Tepp: Who are you to judge our love.
DM: There's no MUTUAL love between you. Just like Aerie wouldn't possibly romance the slavers who caged her.
Tepp: It's not my fault this happened to him. It was those other two liches that destroyed and dismembered him.
Tepp: We just had some difficulties putting him back together. Like an IKEA piece of furniture without an Allen wrench.
DM: ...
Tepp: Now, I'll have you know I have extensive experience romancing Aerie. I will consider every word Kangaxx says and think long and hard before giving a carefully phrased answer.
DM: Kangaxx says-
Tepp: 22222222222222222222222222222222222.
Tepp: Is the lovetalk over?
DM: ...
DM: You yourself acknowledged that Kangaxx is only with you because you know where his bodyparts are.
Tepp: Ah-ah-ah! But I did not acknowledge that we put them anywhere. Only that we know where they are.
Luna: The bullshit topic aside, I'm proud of your lawful analness.
Tepp: Next lovetalk, please. It's bloody horrible design to have the romance start in chapter 7.
DM: There is no romance you moron.
Sendany: You are oppressing Tepp's têterosexuality.
DM: His what?
Sendany: Tête is French for head.
Luna: You speak French?
Sendany: Oui.
Luna: Aww, it's such a romantic language.
Tepp: Coming from the woman who says sensitive men are a turnoff.
Luna: Coming from the man who says women change their minds.
Tepp: Well I don't care. Kangaxx loves me for who I am.
DM: No he doesn't.
Tepp: He will.

DM: Elhan would normally send a whooping three mages off on their own into the city, protected by extremely low level spells, but because of the demon he now only has two.
Tepp: Truly we are screwed.
DM: Now you need to spend an awful lot of inventory space on accessing the Tree of Life so you can fight Irenicus.
DM: And you're gonna be annoyed trying to remember who got what and where they put it.
Tepp: Best that someone has their first five inventory slots available to save us some headache.
Sendany: I'll do it. Just need to free one slot up. Here, Luna.
Luna: What is it?
Sendany: Chocolate. From that shop near the Government District. We were just there but no one thought of it.
Sendany: (Stolen.)
Luna: (...)
Luna: (Merci.)
Sendany: (De rien.)
Tepp: So now Waffles can also whisper everyone. P=NP can get bent, there's no greater logical problem than explaining our seating.
Luna: You started that problem, not I.

DM: You need some goblet that some dragon has.
Sendany: Can we just attack the guy to begin with. Dragons and us don't mix.
Tepp: Not so fast.
Tepp: I wanna hear the DM say his name.
DM: Not gonna happen.
Tepp: Yawn. Planetar. Don't bother swinging at him guys, the insects will just waste our potions if you do.
DM: Yeah yeah. Grats, the goblet is yours.

DM: You need some stupid sword.
DM: You arrive just in time to see its guardian get owned by a demon.
DM: Your wounds are many, elf, the demon gloats. I probably inflicted them on you myself and then walked 15 meters away from you so I could admire my work.
DM: Feel free to seize the opportunity to take me with you in a martyr's death.
DM: The elf invokes the Moonblade's power, sacrificing himself to kill the demon.
DM: The sword is yours.

DM: You need some amulet and all you need to do is press buttons in the right order and the jackass will metagame it so I'm just gonna give you the amulet.
DM: And the stone instruments aren't even exciting.

DM: You enter the Temple of Rillifane.
DM: A lot of meanies have gathered here to prevent you from performing the ritual.
DM: Among them, an adamantite golem.
Tepp: Kangaxx GO!!!
Tepp: Oh, also, this fight is not exciting, just put the stuff on the altar Sendy. And it's over.
Sendany: That sounds like something I could pull off.
Sendany: Done.
DM: The golem kicked Kangaxx once before you could do that.
Tepp: So? It can't kill him. No +4 or greater fists. Or feet, as it were.
DM: It kicked the Silver Blade straight through the back of his skull.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tepp: YOU TRICKED ME WITH THAT +4 OFFER JUST SO THE SILVER BLADE COULD HARM HIM!
DM: Yeah, shame on me for fucking around with you for once.
Tepp: It didn't happen. Kangaxx bit down hard on the blade.
DM: Please, what kind of jaw strength do you think he has?
DM: Kangaxx is dead.
Tepp: Kangaxx...
Tepp: Try to resurrect him, and if we can't, there will be a funeral, and then we will avenge-
Luna: We will avenge Imoen.
DM: What she said.
DM: You drag any nonsense into that battle and I will have Adalon join the enemy team.
DM: The path is open.

enqenq · March 2015

In Imoen's name

DM: A darkness attributable not merely to the night envelops you as you set foot on the Tree of Life. Your first impression is that the name is not apt.
DM: The tree is not merely dying. It is being corrupted.
Tepp: The demon lord...
Tepp: Hmm. Nevertheless, our target is Irenicus.
DM: Neither of them can be seen in the immediate vicinity.
Luna: What else is there to do but explore?
DM: Your first discovery is Adalon. No better for the wear since the last time you saw her.
DM: She explains that while Irenicus is sapping the tree of power, the demon lord is helping the drow twist it into a perverted monument to Lolth.
Tepp: And those goals are compatible?
DM: No, but they seem content to share.
Tepp: As if. Drow are treacherous.
Tepp: We should-
DM: Now that you're here, Adalon suggests you take on Irenicus while she deal with the drow and the demon.
Luna: Would she even win that?
DM: She declines to answer.
Tepp: Look, better to play them against each other.
Tepp: Our best shot at victory might be doing nothing.
DM: Adalon refuses to do nothing. If the drow get what they want, it will only encourage further egg thefts.
Luna: Then we'll fight alongside her. First the drow, then Irenicus.
DM: She does not trust you enough for that.
Sendany: This isn't a discussion, is it? She's just telling us what she's gonna do so we can adapt to it.
DM: Pretty much.

DM: Adalon leaves to do battle.
Sendany: If we followed her and aided her, I doubt she would go out of her way to kill us.
Sendany: Might be indifferent to our fate at worst.
Tepp: I think we need a different approach to this.
Tepp: While we fight them, Irenicus will have free access to whatever essence the tree still has.
Tepp: And as far as I can tell, he's already drained enough to be nigh undefeatable.
Tepp: One crippled dragon isn't going to swing the balance in our favor.
Tepp: Above all, remember the drow have no reason to aid Irenicus. They might just swoop in and kill both him and us.
Luna: That sounds pretty grim.
Sendany: It does, but dwelling on that isn't going to help.
Sendany: Time is against us.
Tepp: One thing might work...
Tepp: Simulacrum.
Luna: What do you have in mind?
Tepp: Something cunning, I hope.
Sendany: Must be something special for you to use a level 8 slot for something else than Horrid Wilting.
Tepp: Don't kid yourself, it was a scroll.
Tepp: Let's wipe out the parasites.

DM: The last parasite falls.
DM: You hear Irenicus' voice in your minds: I can see you. Your illusions are no match for my powers.
DM: He summons you to him.
Luna: IRENICUS!
Irenicus: Gnats.
Irenicus: You make it so convenient for me. I thought I would have to hunt you down for what you did to Bodhi.
Irenicus: Yet here you are, asking for me to take all my revenge in one single day.
Irenicus: How can I refuse.
DM: Does anyone have anything to say before the battle commences?

Tepp: A request, before we begin.
DM: Yes?
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... in the event that we win, whisper, whisper...)
DM: That's a good idea.
DM: Coming from you, it's pure brilliance actually.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Kangaxxmas, whisper, whisper...)
DM: And there it stopped.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Framing Evil Demiliches For Dummies, copyright, royalties, whisper, whisper...)
DM: Enough.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... The Kangaxx Foundation For Curing Extreme Leprosy, whisper, whisper...)
DM: Shut up. I'll do the first, but no more mention of Kangaxx.

Sendany: I have a question for Irenicus.
Sendany: How does he cope with the lactic acid from holding his arm out all the time?
DM: ...
Tepp: Have you seen how big his muscles are, titwit? I'm sure it's no problem.
Sendany: Large muscles are correlated with hypertrophic and explosive strength training. Static strength and endurance do not come with that. You'd have to train for those as well, and let's just say it's very unlikely he does. Contrary to what newbies believe, being able to lift something very heavy a few times does not mean you can trivially lift something very light a lot of times. In fact, you'll probably suck terribly at it. If you think otherwise, you probably believe in spot reduction too.
Sendany: Do you even lift?
Luna: Hehehe.
Tepp: Well, um...
Tepp: When I roll for Horrid Wilting damage, I lift TWENTY dice where each has EIGHT sides.
Sendany: Wow. I hope you warm up first.
DM: I warned you to not bring any nonsense into this battle.
DM: It wasn't just for the jackass.
Luna: The battle hasn't begun yet.
Sendany: (Merci.)
Luna: (De rien.)
DM: *sigh*
DM: Irenicus is just genetically superior, okay?

DM: Luna, do you also intend to test my patience?
Luna: No. I have but one thing to say before we begin.

Luna utters a quiet prayer and raises her mace to catch what little moonlight has managed to slip through the canopy. It might just be the wind, but the branches seem to clear that the light might fully engulf her.

Luna: Righteousness flows through me. On this night, Tyr and Selûne are one within me.
Luna: I am the blinding ray of justice!

DM: The battle begins.
Tepp: Improved Alacrity. Spellstrike. Breach.
Tepp: Hit him, Sendy! Don't let him cast Time Stop!
Sendany: Backstab.
Sendany: ...
Sendany: That has to be my weakest backstab in this whole campaign.
DM: He cannot be caught unaware. Too powerful.
DM: But you did interrupt him.
Luna: Draw Upon Holy Might.
Tepp: Summon Planetar.
DM: Irenicus takes control of your Planetar.
Tepp: WHAT?
Tepp: Okay, Sendy, keep it busy until I can get another one out.
Sendany: Evasion and a silent prayer for the dice to not hate me now.
Luna: Righteous Magic.
DM: The Planetar hits Sendany hard, but he avoids vorpal death.
Tepp: New Planetar. Planetar duel, go!
Sendany: Could use some healing here...
DM: Irenicus uses Power Word: Stun on Sendany.
Tepp: Gnnnh.
Luna: I attack Irenicus.
DM: Your swing strikes true and hard. Irenicus' contingencies trigger. He is once more impervious to attacks and spells.
DM: He begins to cast Time Stop again.
Tepp: I've already used four level 9 spells...
Tepp: Spellstrike.
Luna: But I don't have any spell attacks...
Luna: Dispel Magic on Sendany!
DM: The Time Stop finishes.

DM: Irenicus conjures symbols for fear and stun, and then casts Time Stop once more.
DM: He casts Horrid Wilting twice, and then Absolute Immunity.
DM: Tepp and Luna are both stunned.
DM: Sendany is free to act.
Sendany: Well what the hell...
Sendany: Couldn't backstab even without the Stoneskin, can't exactly run off and set traps...
Sendany: Uh...
Sendany: I pick the lock on Ellesime's cage!
DM: Ellesime rushes out of the cage and implores the tree to use some of its remaining strength to aid the party.
DM: The stun effects end, and you are all healed somewhat. Roots and vines bind the turned Planetar in place.
DM: Irenicus is angered and incapacitates Ellesime, then throws her back in the cage and locks it magically.
Tepp: Breach! Planetar go!
Luna: Mass Cure.
DM: Just then, you notice your illusions ending. You no longer look like drow.
Sendany: Adalon lost?
Luna: I will not be distracted by that.

DM: Irenicus dismisses the entangled Planetar and takes control of the other one.
Tepp: ...
Sendany: On it, on it. Greater Evasion.
Luna: Regeneration on Sendy.
Tepp: We can't let him cast-
DM: Time Stop? You just did.
DM: He casts Ultimate Malison.
Tepp: What, no such spell.
DM: With his power, there is. Your saving throws are rock bottom.
DM: He casts Chaos.
DM: The Time Stop ends. All three of you are confused.
DM: Irenicus holds the Planetar back so he can gloat.

Irenicus: Pathetic! All three of you, pathetic! You should have taken to a life of debauchery the moment you pressed the stake through and you might have had some pleasure before your inevitable doom!
Irenicus: Did you think you could defeat ME? I am JON IRENICUS, and my power rivals that of the gods!
Irenicus: Do you think your sorcerous talent can compete with my intellect?
Irenicus: Do you think your sneaksmanship can fool my cunning?
Irenicus: Do you think your prayers can be heard against my arcane voice?
Irenicus: You rush towards your doom for some twisted sense of justice! Pathetic, pathetic like the sorry girl you sought to avenge!
Sendany: Wait.
Luna: No.
Luna: He can mock us all he likes, but Imoen is OFF LIMITS.
DM: What are you gonna do about it? You're confused.
Tepp: He just spoke the magic words to break us out.
DM: Didn't sound like Dispel Magic to me.
Tepp: You know what I mean.
DM: I do not.
Luna: THIS is our purpose.
Luna: He mocks Imoen with every remorseless breath he takes!
Luna: We will not be stopped.
DM: I know.
DM: Just wanted to hear the jackass argue in favor of something else than fucking around with Kangaxx.
DM: Enjoy freedom, the removal of the Ultimate Malison effect and a +2 circumstance bonus to your rolls for the remainder of the battle.
Luna: For Imoen!

Sendany: Can I go toe to toe against the Planetar now?
Tepp: No. But Adalon will handle it.
Luna: She's here?
Luna: She's here.
Luna: What happened?
Tepp: Let's just say that demons are prideful creatures and have no interest in serving a dead summoner.
Luna: And how is it their summoner died?
Tepp: My simulacrum might have joined the battle and had a talk with Phaere.
Tepp: Might have rid her of the delusion that the greatest enemy of tree-dwelling elves is drow.
Sendany: Then what is?

Tepp flaunts his Ring of the Ram.

Tepp: Gravity.
Tepp: Now, I believe that bastard has quite expended his reserve of high level memos, and this turn of events might have caught even him off guard.
Tepp: Breach.
Sendany: I att... wait.
Sendany: If he's off guard, I try to hold him still.
DM: You manage to disrupt his spell, but you cannot hope to grapple him for more than a few seconds.
Sendany: I'm hoping that will be enough.
Luna: Oh, Irenicus.
Luna: I have a Harm spell with your name on it.
DM: Success.
DM: Irenicus drops to one knee.
Irenicus: ...
Irenicus: YOU killed me...

Bonus ending. It's what Tepp whispered the DM about. A word of warning before you read it - you might find it too romantic. It is NOT a resurrection of Imoen, but it still probably violates some D&D/Bhaalspawn mechanics. If you're lawful anal you probably don't wanna read it.

DM: Irenicus dies, yet you have a feeling it's not over, that things are not yet right.
Luna: What's happening?
Tepp: Let me explain...

DM: You arrive in Hell...
DM: (Wow, he didn't correct me.)
DM: You arrive in Hell, and Irenicus lies before you. You are all battered, but you get on your feet before he does.
DM: He musters the strength to rise, and is most surprised to see you before him.
DM: He gloats at you: So what happened? Did I explode and take you with me?
DM: You are most deserving of this! Eternal suffering might be bearable knowing you'll share the fate!
Luna: Oh no, Irenicus. We still live.
Luna: It's only that killing you once isn't enough for us.
DM: He mocks you: So what, you wish to send me off to non-existence and save me from damnation? Be my guest!
Luna: No, that's not it.
Sendany: Far be it from us to deny you your rightful punishment, Irenicus.
Sendany: Eternal suffering is no less than you deserve.
Luna: But endure it within the confines of your own black soul.
Luna: Not Imoen's.

The party members brandish their weapons.

Luna: Her spirit will SOAR.

Tepp: Try to make us play the next campaign, will you?
DM: Not YOU if I can help it, but sure.
DM: Six humanoids are seated around a table with seven chairs.
DM: Later, they will turn out to be called the Five. The sixth is presumed to be the janitor.
DM: A janitor who clearly has a say in matters, since two of the Five are supposed to be women, yet you hear four distinct male voices.
DM: One of them exclaims: Gorion's Ward has... grown too powerful! We should have acted long before now.
DM: ...
Tepp: Continue, will you?
DM: Oh. Of course.
DM: Another replies: There is no reason to be concerned. The fate of this fool has been sealed.
DM: Yet another asks: But can we be so sure?
DM: And yet another finishes: This spawn of Bhaal is doomed. There is no escape.
DM: In practice, it means you will get a free pair of Boots of Speed.
DM: Now excuse me for a moment.
DM: Hmm... how about... no... well maybe... no... so that's why... REALLY... okay how about... no!
Tepp: Hehe.
DM: QUESTION.
Tepp: Is it about something that should have been established at character creation, and you've managed to not think of until now?
DM: I hate you SO MUCH.
DM: QUESTION: Which one of you IS Gorion's Ward?
DM: Which one of you is the Bhaalspawn???
Tepp: BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
DM: SERIOUSLY TELL ME!
Tepp: WORST DM EVER!
DM: THAT DOES IT.
DM: I'M ROLLING 1D3 TO DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE BHAALSPAWN.
Tepp: THERE ISN'T EVEN SUCH A THING AS A THREESIDED DIE YOU LOSER.
DM: I'M LORD OF THE LEVEL I DECIDE WHAT'S REAL.

Tepp and the DM engage in a violent LARPduel.

Yeah, that was Tepp's plotlong joke. I've compiled all the reasons the DM never thought to wonder which one of them is charname. It is not at all 100% waterproof, but I am pretty happy with it given I didn't even think of doing it until they staked Bodhi.

Category "You didn't catch this one, you didn't even read the story or play the game":
Irenicus took Imoen's soul instead of charname's.

Category "Recruitable NPC, don't you dare address charname":
They didn't take Valygar in because he'd start bantering with charname if they kept him and he'd walk up to charname if they kicked him.
Viconia was killed before she could call out to charname. Well played DM.
Sendany broke them out of Irenicus' cages so Imoen didn't have to open charname's first, and they didn't take her with them because banter.
Nalia was too angry with them to ask to join, Haer'Dalis never met them because not doing Planar Prison. However these two weren't planned and feel a bit loosely motivated.

Category "Strongholds":
Didn't hand in Mae'var or Unseeing Eye quests, Lavok killed. Thus the DM never had to check if the respective characters were eligible for the strongholds due to being charnames.

Category "Remaining":
Avoided the name Veldrin because it goes to charname.
Acted like wimp drow so the DM wouldn't dream of having Phaere sleep with charname or even ask to talk to charname in private.
Look for what isn't there: Nobody ever invoked a Bhaalspawn power.

Lastly, if you caught this one, you are so nerdy you should take sides in the LARPduel:
Tepp was in fact trying to get the de'Arnise Keep locked. Why? Because if they went in to restore the flail, they would have found the Find Familiar scroll too. As only charname wizards can have a familiar, he didn't want to have to comment on whether or not he wanted it.

Luna: Should we do something?
Sendany: Naw. Let them duke it out.
Sendany: Might you want to go out for a drink instead?
Luna: Like a date? With you?
Sendany: Oui.
Luna: Mmm...
Luna: Sure, why not!

enqenq · March 2015

Mischief in the making

DM: Odren exclaims, Helm be praised! Our prayers have been heard! The Child of...
Tepp: No.
DM: Yes.
Tepp: No.
DM: Yes.
Tepp: NO.
DM: YES.
Tepp: It's not like it matters which one of us is the Bhaalspawn.
DM: Matters to Odren.
Tepp: Matters to you.
Tepp: This is like the ONLY ToB adventure that has nothing to do with the Bhaalspawn saga.
Tepp: Let it go.
DM: No.
Tepp: Yes.
DM: No.
Tepp: Yes.
DM: NO.
Tepp: YES.
Luna: For goodness' sake, you dragged us here for this?
DM: This is the only adventure left you can do before you have to decide.
DM: Being anal about revealing it now is like he's planning to get the party killed.
Luna: Like that would be news.
Luna: But this time, Sendy won't be helping him. Isn't that so, sugar Sendy?
Sendany: Oui, ma cheri.
Luna: *giggle*
Tepp: Don't we have real names or anything?
DM: Stop complaining, my name is an acronym.

Tepp: Remember the agreement.
Luna: What agreement?
Tepp: I won the duel. So we are bringing... The Device.
Sendany: Wow, with capital letters.
DM: We're speaking-
Luna: NOT THIS AGAIN.
Tepp: Capsnoob.
Luna: What is this "device"?
DM: A heat pump with a megalong hose and a fan. It requires 25 strength to operate.
Luna: I'm not drawing upon holy might for Horsebreath's pranks.
DM: I knew you would say that, that's why I permitted it.
Sendany: Couldn't he just build the Crom-
Luna: No giving him ideas, sugar.
DM: He couldn't wield it anyway.
Tepp: HELP HOW DO I WRAP MY FINGERS AROUND A HILT AHHHH I REQUIRE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A MAGE HERE.
DM: You can't have the hammer regardless. You didn't get the belt.
DM: I guess you could draw upon holy might yourself, though... if you somehow had that power...
Tepp: Nice try.
DM: Suit yourself, jackass. It's your wasted gold.
Tepp: Speaking of which... I've hired a construction team. Well, engineering is more like it.
Luna: Not this again...
DM: This was not part of the agreement.
Tepp: Their names are Pistol, Ciclop and Cocoamancer.
Luna: Oh my!
DM: Cyclop?
Tepp: Ciclop.
DM: He's Cyclop, screw your lame names. And he can be one-eyed for all I care. But he's not a giant with 25 strength.
Tepp: How about 24?
DM: Nice try. I'm not even gonna let them in.
Luna: Whoa whoa, let's not go that far.
DM: What the...?
Luna: You think I'm gonna be willingly parted from a guy named Cocoamancer? He must be a MASTER of chocolate.
Sendany: Hey.
Luna: I'm roleplaying here, don't get OOC-jealous of a fictional character will you sugar?
Sendany: Of course not.
DM: The construction team is still a bunch of humans. And none of them can in any way operate Tepp's idiot heat pump.
Tepp: Must be tricky to push a lever back and forth...
DM: 25 strength. Not happening.
Tepp: Fine. But they can install it. And the fan.
DM: Fine. And Pistol isn't a pistol.
Tepp: Nope. Can we skip to accepting the quest?

Tepp: So... this Vigil Stone. Do they have more of them?
DM: No, just that one.
Tepp: So we could hide it like we hid... ahh...
Tepp: I'm sorry, the memory is too painful.
DM: If you walk away without even opening, the helmites will attack you.
Tepp: Fine, I'll open it. Now, is possession of the stone necessary to enter and exit?
DM: No, because else you will hide it somewhere idiotic, I suppose.
DM: Or deliberately die inside the keep.
Tepp: Aww. But only it can close the door again?
DM: Yes.
Tepp: So the way is open to anyone now? Both ways.
DM: Anyone able to get past the helmites, yes.
Tepp: Like ANYONE. And ANYTHING.
DM: Yes, will you freaking enter already?
Tepp: Like if I fart through the entrance-
DM: YES, even that will get through.
Tepp: And if-
DM: Twentyfive adamantite golems will surge through momentarily if you don't enter.
Tepp: Fine.

enqenq · March 2015

Fire is complicated

DM: You enter Watcher's Keep. It is very watchy and very keepy and-
Luna: I wish to speak with Cocoamancer.
DM: Err...
Tepp: I will do the talking for the workers I hired.
DM: Not gonna happen.
Sendany: (Can I play him?)
DM: (Well-)
Tepp: NO NO NO. If you two can whisper each other as well my brain will explode.
Sendany: I like how it's assumed we always have the same seating.
DM: There's nothing weird about it anymore, jackass. Those two are practically sharing that seat.
Luna: Hehe.
Tepp: Even using each other's dice. Gross.
Luna: That's how we roll.
Tepp: Do you even know where her hands have been, Sendy?
Sendany: I'm quite intimately aware of where they've been.
Tepp: Stop grinning. Both of you.
Tepp: The workers are my characters.
DM: Nope.
DM: I'm going to assign some generic personalities to them-
Luna: COCOAMANCER MUST BE AWESOME AT MAKING CHOCOLATE.
DM: ...
DM: Any other requests?
Tepp: Um, they must all be competent and commendable engineers and construction workers?
DM: Granted. Sendany?
Sendany: Can Cocoamancer be a paladin?
Luna: Hey!
Sendany: Or a eunuch.
DM: I'm not defining Cocoamancer for the next hour. There's Pistol and Cyclop-
Tepp: Ciclop.
DM: Cyclop.
Luna: How can you even hear a difference?
DM: There's Pistol and C-Y-C-L-O-P too.
Sendany: Pistol is Cocoamancer's extremely jealous boyfriend?
Luna: Hey hey!
Sendany: I've got it, Ciclop is mortally allergic to chocolate.
DM: I'm gonna choose to hear that as, no requests.
Luna: Okay then.
Luna: Welcome along, Cocoamancer. I take it you earned that name by being awesome at making chocolate?
Tepp: He says thanks, yes, and assumes you earned your name by being a moon.
DM: Quiet. He doesn't say the last part.
Luna: Why then is he an engineer?
DM: It's a hobby.
Luna: Has he brought any samples of his work?
DM: Possibly.

DM: You open the door to the kitchen and are greeted by a group of jellies.
Tepp: Meteor Swarm.
DM: You haven't cared to participate in combat until now, against these magic resistant monsters. Why...?
Tepp: Clearly Sendy's relationship needed it. I was letting him show off his manliness by killing stuff without me. Speaking of which, can you tank these for me Sendy? Don't hit them, just keep them busy.
Sendany: Err...
Luna: Don't help him with his pranks, sugar.
Tepp: Come on, Sendy. Remember the good old times. I just did you a favor, even. And don't forget... brethren before wenches.
Luna: Dooooon't.
Luna: I'm not healing you if you do.
Sendany: Maybe Cocoamancer should tank?
Luna: Maybe he shouldn't.
Tepp: You both suck, I'll use a planetar.
DM: Yeah anyway, the 100% magic resistance problem remains.
Tepp: Meteor Swarm again.
DM: Still resistant.
Tepp: Again.
DM: ...
Tepp: Incendiary Cloud. Like my whole reservoire of level 8 spells.
DM: ...resistant.
Sendany: Whoa, he's up to something serious to pass up Horrid Wiltings.
Tepp: Delayed Blast Fireball times whatever my level 7 spell slots. And then normal Fireballs. And then-
DM: Yeah, I think I see the theme, so let's skip to you depleting all your spell slots as fire spells. Is that what you want?
Tepp: Yes.
DM: Oddly enough, the jellies are still. Resistant.
Tepp: Okay kill them.
DM: Glorious victory is yours.
Tepp: Okay.
Tepp: Is the dumbass ghost in the room now?
DM: No?
Tepp: WHY THE HELL NOT.
DM: Because you didn't light the fireplace.
Tepp: LIKE FORTY FIRE SPELLS AND I DIDN'T LIGHT THE FIREPLACE????
DM: THE MODULE SAYS YOU NEED THE TINDERBOX FOR IT OKAY.
Tepp: "The" tinderbox.
Tepp: Can't we just use our own?
DM: You could. But you don't have one.
Tepp: Objection. Like every cutscene when we rest outdoors, there's a campfire.
DM: There are no cutscenes in PnP, jackass.
Tepp: My logic is sound.
DM: Maybe your fire spells lit those campfires.
Tepp: But they couldn't light this fireplace? What is it, the One Fireplace of Power?
DM: WELL IT'S A MAGICAL FIREPLACE.
Tepp: Magical fireplaces. Only in helmite kitchens. I wonder if Anomen's fireplace is magical too.

Tepp: Right, let's rest.
DM: You are awakened.
Tepp: Well drat. Sendy and Waffles, kill.
Tepp: Okay, now we rest.
DM: You are awakened.
Tepp: You are boring. Kill again.
Luna: You know, these aren't trivial encounters.
Tepp: Like we're gonna get them every time. Rest.
DM: You are-
Tepp: Seriously. Okay I know what to do. Kill them though.
Luna: Now I need to rest as much as you do.
Tepp: No worries. Let's rest on the pocket pl---
Tepp: Drat.
DM: I'm glad you realized. I was wondering if I had had you guys face off against Illasera and forgotten about it.
DM: Of course, she's a rather easy opponent, especially compared to the rest of the Five.
DM: We could just assume you've killed her.
Tepp: So let's do that.
DM: Sure.
DM: Just tell me which of you she came to kill.
Tepp: Um, all of us? You think she's gonna just kill one and let the other two go?
DM: I think she might, yes.
Tepp: In that case, I think you have an odd idea of assassins. They don't typically leave loose ends.
DM: I think you have an odd idea of a successful way to change the subject.
Tepp: We'll just go outside and rest.
DM: I'm gonna lock some doors.
Sendany: And I'm gonna open them again.
DM: No you're not.
Tepp: Then we'll rest safely behind these unopenable doors.
DM: No you won't.
Tepp: I'm glad you're willing to turn the adventure upside down to make us decide on a Bhaalspawn, but you won't allow me to light a fireplace with a fire spell.
Luna: Hahahaha.
DM: ...
DM: It SAYS you need a tinderbox.
Tepp: Now show me the part where adamantite golems keep waking us up and doors lock mysteriously.
DM: ...
DM: Fine, the doors unlock and you may rest safely.

Luna: I will speak with Cocoamancer again.
Tepp: I'll have a vigorous philosophical debate with Ciclop.
DM: Cyclop.
Luna: You do that, but do it subtly.
Luna: I consider myself quite the connoisseur of chocolate, but I must shamefully admit I know mostly where good chocolate is sold, not where it is made.
Luna: Might I have sampled his wares unknowingly?
DM: It is unlikely. He works mostly on commission. Good chocolate doesn't stay good for long. Anything that's bound for a marketstand is bound to be of low quality.
Tepp: Blah blah blah...
Luna: What are his fees?
DM: His finest work-
Tepp: Seriously, you're making Cocoamancer so boring.
DM: Better than letting you act him.
Tepp: Johnny's in town. It's been a long time since I played with him.
Tepp: After all, we have a spare seat and a spare set of dice.
Tepp: Of arguable hygienic quality, but he needn't know.
DM: If your brother is half the nuisance you are...
Tepp: He'll just be playing Cocoamancer. If he somehow does that worse than you, you can kick him out again.
DM: Does he understand D&D?
Tepp: Well enough.
Luna: What you mean, "just be playing Cocoamancer"? Don't belittle the master of chocolate. He's pretty high up the list if my healing comes to triage, you know.
Tepp: I hired these workers. They're not here to participate in combat.
Luna: I'm just saying.
DM: He can play Pistol or something and nobody will be upset.
Tepp: Sure.
Tepp: *phonecall*
Tepp: Drat, he can't come just yet. I told him he could join if we're still playing when he gets here.
Tepp: I also told him to bring snacks.
DM: For all the things you lack, foresight is not one of them. I should know.
DM: Cocoamancer says his finest work is quite expensive, but on occasion he has granted customers a discount if they've been able to help out with the ingredients.
DM: In particular, the sweetness.
Luna: Oh my, what an interesting offer. I shall have to think on that.
Sendany: Hey you...
Luna: Oh no, the plastic figurine is stealing my girlfriend!! Help me!
Luna: Why don't you talk to Pistol?
Sendany: Okay. Pistol and I discuss um, funny accents.

DM: You've acquired the key, the slippers and the wardstones, but missed the tinderbox, surely by accident.
Tepp: Such amazing experience to be had.
Tepp: Let's-
Luna: Always in such a hurry. I want to talk to Coco-
Sendany: Why don't you talk to Pistol?
Luna: Because he's not a master of chocolate.
Sendany: How do you know?
Tepp: Ciclop-
DM: Cyclop.
Tepp: -and I had some interesting debates as to the meaning of life and the infinity of the universe combined with chocolate.
Luna: Uhhhh-huhhhhh.
Luna: I tell Cocoamancer that I feel embarrassed that all this time, I may have considered common junk chocolate to be fine stuff.
Sendany: I pickpocket Cocoamancer.
DM: You stole some gold.
Sendany: Again.
DM: Yeah, on your next round.
Tepp: What, you can pickpocket endless times per second.
DM: Feel free to demonstrate.
Tepp: Dick.
DM: Cocoamancer never took any offense to that. Most adventurers are unfamiliar with the good life.
Tepp: Aren't YOU gonna take offense to that? He's saying you should take to debauchery instead of spreading the word of Selûne.
Luna: (I am taking offense... privately.)
Tepp: (You will be judged false.)
Luna: That's not what he said. He merely offered a reasonable explanation to my lack of knowledge.
Luna: I'm thinking I might want to be introduced to it.
DM: He would be happy to arrange that.
Tepp: Awesome. Let's open the door.
Luna: Yeah, fine.
Sendany: Okay now I pickpocket him again.
DM: Stole a gem.
Luna: Sendy, stop that.
Sendany: You didn't notice.
Luna: I'm a LG character in the company of a thief. I believe I would be paying keen attention to your actions.
Sendany: After all we've been through...
Tepp: I'm all for internal conflict, but there are five floors left, so can you keep it down for now?
Tepp: We wake the lich, and give him the slippers-
Sendany: Yeah but hold on. I want to perform my signature move.
DM: Meaning...?
Sendany: Juggling two items. Namely the wardstones.
Tepp: Golem mad, golem not mad, other golem mad, other golem not mad.
DM: Yeah hilarious.
Tepp: Check the shape of the wardstones. I think Sendy just likes holding them. I think he's trying to say that Waffles should get implants.
Luna: What?!
Sendany: Err-
Luna: If one of us needs size increments, it's-
Sendany: Whoa. Whoa.
Sendany: It was Tepp saying it.
Luna: I didn't hear you protesting wildly.
Sendany: I guess you were too busy paying attention to Cocoamancer.
Luna: Oh come on.
DM: So much for no internal conflict, jackass.
Tepp: It's okay if I'm the one causing it.

DM: You perform the ritual as per the instructions you noted, and-
Tepp: Wait.
DM: Could you ever shut up for just one paragraph?
Tepp: (I have a feeling I will shut up for like three consecutive paragraphs on level three.)
DM: (Yeah, so the author is writing the whole story before publishing anything and you think that means you can show off.)
Tepp: Well anyway, we didn't get the tinderbox.
DM: Nope.
Tepp: And we apparently don't have our own.
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: So how did we light the candle?
DM: Grrr.
DM: You used Burning Hands. Happy?
Tepp: So the HOLY RITUAL CANDLE is fine with being lit with just any source of fire, but the archivist's fireplace-
DM: One more word and Illasera will track you here.
DM: Sweet silence.
DM: Oh... and you have some guardians to fight.
Tepp: My construction team is waiting outside, for the record.
Luna: What, no. Cocoamancer is following me around.
Tepp: Is my COMMENDABLE AND COMPETENT employee forgetting who paid him?
DM: Normally I'd say no...
DM: But there's the issue with the candle.
Tepp: Always such a sore loser.
Tepp: PROTECT COCOAMANCER!
Luna: GUARD HIM WITH YOUR LIVES!
Sendany: Hell no.
Luna: Your name is an anagram of what, again?
Luna: Horsebreath and I are even in agreement.
Sendany: *sigh*

Tepp: Well, that certainly was enough excitement for the rest of the month.
Tepp: I assume Cocoamancer now has the sense to stay out of trouble?
DM: He is terrified of getting involved in your fights again. He will stay at safe distance.
Tepp: Good.
Luna: Bah.
DM: The portal is open.
Tepp: We approach it.
Tepp: Hmm. We should rest though.
Tepp: Can I sleep in the portal?
DM: ...
DM: Sure?
Tepp: Or just leave my staff in the portal and retrieve it in the morning?
DM: As if the day/night cycle dictates when you guys rest.
Tepp: Just answer.
DM: Yes, the portal is permanently open, no person or object risks getting cloven by staying in it for a prolonged time. Is that what you wanted to know?
Tepp: Are all the portals like that?
DM: Yes. But I wouldn't let you get any monsters stuck in them anyway, so stop fantasizing.
Tepp: Booo-ring.

enqenq · March 2015

Measured responses

DM: You are greeted by a demon. It-
Sendany: -has an accent that begs to be mocked.
Tepp: Is Cocoamancer staying back?
Luna: If he is, then so am I.
Tepp: No you're not.
DM: Hello, there's a lonely demon trying to speak here.
Tepp: Fine. I believe that in the name of pretending to care about the intended purpose of our visit, I should ask if it's the Imprisoned One.
DM: It's not. From the question alone, it surmises you are not a helmite fanatic.
DM: The Imprisoned One is farther below. The demon can open the portal to the next level.
DM: All you need to do is free it.
Luna: Darling Cocoamancer, I'm ashamed to admit I've never paid attention to the names of cocoa suppliers-
Sendany: Yeah, that is the standard response to a demon requesting freedom. Especially from a LG character.
Luna: Oh give me a break.
Sendany: Stay with the party.
Luna: What if I want to talk to Cocoamancer?
Sendany: If you want to talk to Cocoamancer, I recommend Pistol be the messenger between you two.
Luna: I wouldn't want to keep him from discussing-
Tepp: OFFSCREEN FIREBALL INTO THE FIRE LIBRARY.
Tepp: Now can we fight?

DM: There's no offscreen in PnP...
Tepp: Oh jeez, it was a two syllable description of the casting distance. Rather efficient.
DM: Much like "max range".
Luna: Sendyyy, shouldn't you be in the front?
Sendany: I don't know, I think this expensive engineering team could use some personal protection.
Luna: And they have it.
Sendany: Which means I'm not getting healed if I leave them.
Luna: Leave THEM?
Sendany: Leave you.
Tepp: Am I going to have to solo this encounter? Planetar out.
DM: You have cleared the fire library of monsters.
Tepp: Any chance we could clear it of traps? Sen-da-ny?
Luna: Yes, Sen-da-ny?
Sendany: Fine.
Luna: How readily you walk away from me.
Sendany: I'm not the one flirting with Cocoamancer.
Luna: FLIRTING. We have brought these poor civilians to a most perilous place. I am merely making sure they're motivated to stay.
Sendany: They? Only Cocoamancer.
Luna: There's one for you and one for Horsebreath as well.
Sendany: What happened to not helping him with his pranks?
Luna: I have no problems with helping him when you are the one causing such bad atmosphere in the party.
Sendany: The construction team for the temple didn't interact with us. Nameless little peons-
Tepp: Nameless little peons die. Names help people survive.
Sendany: *sigh*
Sendany: The traps are gone.

DM: The room is on fire.
Tepp: Uh?
DM: I believe someone requested his spells would interact with the environment more.
Tepp: Oh jeez. And for this act of spite you chose a fire wizard's study?
DM: Library.
Tepp: Must have been beyond him to protect his work.
Tepp: So all the loot is ruined?
DM: Quite.
Tepp: Okay whatever. You must be the dumbest imp in all the abyss and all that.
Luna: What? Who?
Tepp: It's-
Luna: I'm not having Cocoamancer walk through that burning room.
Tepp: He's not your employee, but I concur.
Sendany: Do I look fireproof to you then?
Luna: All I'm saying is I don't know how much heat Cocoamancer can handle.
Sendany: Hint hint?
Luna: I'm not implying anything.
Sendany: Sure you aren't.
DM: Look now what your environmental damage has done.
Tepp: You call this a lesson?
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Sendy, if you could disarm all the traps without catching fire I'm sure you can walk through the room.
Tepp: My employees will wait in the corridor, guarded by the planetar.
Luna: Or the planetar could go with you and-
Tepp: NO.
Luna: *glare*

The party clears out the fan room.

Tepp: So.
Tepp: I have a feeling this fan is important. And that it's making this room cold. What if I broke it?
DM: You can't.
Tepp: But it could run out of energy.
DM: Nope.
Luna: Infinity Engine powered, duh?
Tepp: I even brought a replacement...
DM: You are not doing anything to this fan.
Tepp: Grr.

The party clears out the air library.

Tepp: No environmental damage this time.
DM: You can stop trying to avoid it. I should know you'll find a way to break adventures with it before long.
Luna: Oh, what's this note?
Sendany: If it's a letter from Cocoamancer-
Luna: Good heavens it was in the bookshelf.
Tepp: DIBS.
Tepp: I steal the note from Waffles.
Luna: *sigh*
Luna: Well?
Tepp: Oh wow.
Tepp: This was not meant for mortal eyes.
Tepp: It details a most insidious plan by Mr. Air Wizard to strike a severe blow to Mr. Poison Wizard.
Tepp: The scope of the former's genius has not been fully appreciated before, and perhaps it never will be. Perhaps he is still alive, plotting-
Luna: What does the fucking note say.
Tepp: It says...
Sendany: *drumroll*
Luna: *handslap*
Tepp: IT SAYS...
Tepp: That he will render Mr. Poison Wizard's minions vulnerable...
Tepp: BY OPENING THREE DOORS!!!!
Luna: Really now.
Tepp: Really now.
Luna: Let me see it.
Tepp: Nope.
DM: It actually says that.
DM: Though it also-
Tepp: Whoa, I think we need to digest this first bit before we get carried away.

Tepp: What say you we try his plan? Let's hit the poison library.
Luna: I want to check on Cocoamancer first.
Sendany: Of course you do.
Tepp: Sendy, have you ever heard: If you love someone, let them go?
Tepp: What's she going to do in the presence of Pistol, Ciclop-
DM: Cyclop.
Tepp: GODDAMNIT, and the planetar?
Sendany: Yeah whatever.
Sendany: Do you want to discuss someone's accent?
Tepp: I was hoping for a piece of advice. You have the Use Any Item ability, correct?
Sendany: Sure.
Tepp: I know you rogues can improvise your way to any effect, as demonstrated by that ability, yet I am but a narrowminded sorcerer.
Tepp: It is beyond me how to... for example, wrap my fingers around a hammer hilt.
Sendany: I don't think I could possibly explain the trains of thought involved. It's like layer upon layer, tricks of the trade that you know so innately that you cannot put words on them.
Tepp: But I implore you to try-
DM: Suddenly, the Underdark was flooded.
Tepp: What.
DM: You heard me.
Tepp: Are you for real??
DM: I don't think I need to explain how it happened.
Tepp: Are you for fucking real??? YOU FLOODED THE ENTIRE UNDERDARK TO KEEP US FROM GETTING CROM FAEYR?
DM: I can't very well keep Sendany from equipping the hammer, and the intrigue has put him close to you again.
Tepp: AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CRAZY ON THE FIRST LEVEL.
DM: I'm sorry for being a little proactive in keeping the adventures intact.
Tepp: Proactive. Haha. Proactive. You put how many races on the brink of extinction, if not worse, to keep us from getting one sorry belt?
Tepp: You couldn't just have someone else go get it and disappear with it?
Tepp: Or, hell, the demon knights are titled the children of Demogorgon. Considering where we are, surely you could have connected the plots a bit?
DM: Then you'd argue for a way to get the belt while in here.
Tepp: Oh I will argue for a way to get it. I will use breath potions from Abazigal's lair.
DM: I would not dream of keeping Gorion's Ward out of Abazigal's lair.
Tepp: Ass.
Luna: Hahahahahahaha.
Luna: You really flooded the Underdark to stop him.
Luna: Hahahaha.
Luna: I propose a contest. Everyone writes down as many Underdark-dwelling races as possible that don't need to breathe, or can breathe underwater. The longest list wins.
Sendany: I missed you while you were gone.
Luna: You almost sounded sincere.
Luna: Hands off the monster manuals, people. Let's go. Two minutes starting now.

Luna: So uh, to the poison library?
Sendany: Ayup.
DM: There's like lots of nasty little shits in there.
Luna: Right.
Luna: ...
Luna: Horsebreath? Are you going to blow them up or what?
Tepp: I had to handle the fire library alone while you two were bickering. This one's all yours.
Luna: Sendy and I can't deal area damage for shit. You're welcome to call in the favor against the next golem instead.
Tepp: Pass. My planetar will handle it.
Luna: Goodness, since when are we negotiating for each other's services anyway?
Tepp: I might also be swayed by you keeping your grubby hands off my engineers.
Luna: You too?
Sendany: I think he's just upset he lost the contest.
DM: Convincingly.
Tepp: Shut up.
Luna: I'm sorry Horsebreath, but despite the impressive length of your list, all items began with "The DM is a", and there's just nothing like that in the manual.
Tepp: They did NOT all begin with that.
Sendany: It's true, some started with "The DM is an".
Tepp: I would like the list read aloud. I'm sure we'll all agree that there are some very fitting items on it.
Luna: Just throw a fireball already.
Tepp: Oh whoops, looks like I hit the party too.

Tepp: What is this, another note?
Luna: Oh boy.
Tepp: BY ILMATER'S FONDNESS FOR WHIPS AND CHAINS!
Tepp: AN UNSPEAKABLY DEVIOUS PLOT TAKES FORM.
Tepp: I SHUDDER TO THINK THAT THE MIND THAT CONJURED IT MIGHT STILL WALK THIS WORLD.
Tepp: IT IS-
Luna: Get on with it.
Tepp: Who are you to ruin my presentation?
Luna: Luna Wafall, priestess of Selûne. I think we have met before.
Tepp: Oh, I think I will forget that again. I am freeing up memory so that I might better use my brain to figure out how to wield a hammer. I just can't spare the intelligence to remember you.
Luna: The brain doesn't work like that. Also, you don't need to figure out how to-
Tepp: THANK YOU I AM WELL FUCKING AWARE.
DM: Crybaby.
Tepp: IT IS BUT A MEASURED RESPONSE.
Tepp: LIKE FLOODING THE UNDERDARK TO KEEP US FROM GETTING A SORRY BELT.
Tepp: A BELT THAT IS BY NATURE NOT EVEN UNIQUE AND COULD BE FOUND ELSEWHERE.
DM: Then go find it elsewhere.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: I dare not.
Tepp: Not while Mr. Poison Wizard possibly walks this world.
Tepp: I tell you, my friends. He perfected the concept of his rival. Three is a magic number, as any bard knows.
Sendany: You're not a bard bro.
Tepp: Do not interrupt.
Tepp: Yet Mr. Poison Wizard went beyond tradition; he thought outside the box.
Tepp: He planned to deal a crippling blow to Mr. Ice Wizard BY OPENING A FOURTH DOOR!!!!
Sendany: And the crowd goes wild with astonishment!
Tepp: I would expect so, yes.
Tepp: Can you TASTE his genius?
Tepp: I hope to one day walk in his footsteps...
Tepp: I shall be... Tepp Resolox, Opener of Doors!
Sendany: T R O o D. Trood.
DM: Trudy.
Tepp: I SAID DO NOT INTERRUPT.
Luna: Sure Trudy. Keep talking Trudy.
Tepp: FOR SO LONG I COVETED THE AMULET OF POWER!
Tepp: Yet true power hung around my neck all this time. The Amulet of Metaspell Influence allows me to cast Knock an extra time.
Sendany: Hold on hold on hold on.
Sendany: I'm sitting here with useless skill points and you used a spell pick on Knock?
DM: Oh, you've yet to fully appreciate the idiocy of his spell selection. If he ever were to read the other half of these notes-
Tepp: Sendy rolls a human thief and doesn't dual class it so don't you start bashing ME.
Tepp: Also, if you remember the first episode you might understand why I'd pick it.
Tepp: Now... with regards to Knock.
Tepp: It is but a measly level 2 spell, and when I try to use it against certain doors, they are warded against such a simple spell.
Tepp: I ask you now, WHY HAS NO ONE RESEARCHED A GREATER KNOCK SPELL???
Tepp: THERE ARE SEVEN SPELL LEVELS WHERE YOU COULD FIT IT IN. OR EVEN EIGHT.
Tepp: KHELBEN'S LOCKING LASH OR SOMETHING HELLO.
Tepp: DIDN'T IT BOTHER ANY WIZARD THAT-
DM: -their phone started ringing amidst their tirades?

Tepp: Sigh.
Tepp: My brother is working hard on not getting his raise. One moment.
Tepp: *leaves the table*
Sendany: Eh?
Luna: It means it's a company call.
Sendany: Oh.
Sendany: Not doing well, are they? I mean, this is a rather modest vacation.
DM: Ha.
Luna: For him, it's the perfect vacation.
Sendany: To each his own, I guess.
Luna: Mhmm.
Sendany: If he can afford to give a raise though-
Luna: What he can and cannot afford is not something we'll be discussing.
Sendany: Ooookay. Accents then?

Tepp returns, and the party clears out the poison room.

Tepp: Dibs on looting the pool!
Luna: Nope.
Luna: Oh... what's this? The Poison Head?
Tepp: *whistle*
Luna: If three heads make the Flail of Ages +3...
Tepp: All speculation.
Luna: Your umber hulk prank has cost me a +4 weapon?
Tepp: Whoa whoa.
Tepp: The bitch DM not letting us get back into the keep, has cost you a +4 weapon.
DM: Ahem.
DM: You wanting to avoid getting near the Find Familiar scroll, has cost her a +4 weapon.
Tepp: Oh okay okay I won't argue. We'll forget all about the flail lest you flood Tethyr to keep us away from the keep.
Luna: *grin*

The party clears out the ice room.

Tepp: Dibsdibsdibsdibsdibsdibsdibs!
Luna: On what?
Tepp: I rush into the ice library to loot the note.
Luna: NO.
Tepp: BY... BY...!
Sendany: By Myrkul's declaration of faith?
Luna: Uh?
DM: Eh?
Tepp: You're not helping, Sendy.
Sendany: Eh what? My parents love that song.
Luna: What song.
Sendany: It goes...
Sendany: I believe in Myrkul, where you from, you sexy thing.
Luna: Miracles, sugar Sendy, miracles. I believe in miracles.
Sendany: ALWAYS ruining my childhood memories!
Tepp: Your childhood memories ruined my presentation.
Tepp: I shall make another attempt.
Luna: Cut it short.
Tepp: How could I possibly?
Luna: Quite easily.
Tepp: But the genius, the brilliance-
Luna: Trudy.
Tepp: I shudder to think that this mastermind-
Luna: How many doors.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Two.

The party clears out the fire room.

Tepp: Well, that's all four scepters.
Tepp: Now let's hide them in idiotic places.
Luna: What no.
Luna: We want to proceed to the next level.
Tepp: But if we hide them, nobody can proceed, and we've sort of locked the keep.
Luna: I don't recall the demon saying it can't open the gate while imprisoned.
Tepp: It's a demon, why trust it?
Tepp: I just think we should... take a stroll, think about it... maybe pick up weapons of certain qualities...
Tepp: Feels like... a good idea.
Luna: I believe our quest too important to take a stroll.
Luna: And what of your engineers? Are you going to pay them extra to walk around Tethyr with us?
Tepp: Well...
DM: It's hard not to laugh.
Tepp: Shut up.
Luna: It's a demon. We'll free it and kill it.
Tepp: Whoa, LG right there. Such deceitful behavior. I cannot stand for it.
Luna: Get bent and give me the scepters.
Tepp: Ech...

The party briefly battles the chromatic demon.

Luna: Are we even scratching it?
DM: Mildly.
Tepp: (I just remembered Horrid Wilting is supposed to work, jerk.)
DM: (I never allow it to work here. Find another way out of this mess.)
Luna: Ugh, why is nothing working?
DM: The demon shifts into its normal form.
Tepp: Fire again? Oh come on.
Luna: Is this a case of using the opposite element? Hit it with an ice spell.
Tepp: Eh...
Tepp: A little short on those.
Luna: Mmm. Hopefully it will shift again.
DM: It is now an air elemental.
Luna: Air, air... earth? But there's no such thing...
Luna: Err, poison? If we consider the four wizards here.
Tepp: Air versus poison, are you for real?
Luna: Doesn't sound right, no.
Tepp: Then again, if Sendany were an assassin rather than a plain useless thief, we might know.
DM: The demon is now a shambling mound, again.
Luna: I guess this is the poison form, then. Hit it with a lightning spell and see what happens.
Tepp: Eh... surely there's something we haven't thought of. I don't want to throw spells randomly.
Luna: You want to try healing this mess?! Either you hit it or we make a run for it.
Tepp: We're not running. It will tear my engineers apart.
Tepp: But, I... am rather low on lightning spells.
Luna: Stop stop stop stop stop.
DM: Hahahaha.
Luna: You didn't actually fill your spellbook with fire spells, DID YOU?
Tepp: No.
Luna: But you DID take every fire spell you could get.
Tepp: One per level was enough.
Luna: And, despite your intimate knowledge of these adventures... as evidenced by the scene you made with the fireplace upstairs, which no doubt is the reason you made sure to take all these fire spells, you did not foresee needing other elements for this encounter?
Tepp: The flail would work against three of his forms, so let's place blame where it's due. And let's not forget Horrid Wilting is supposed to work just fi-
Luna: YOUR ENTIRE SPELL LIST DEVOTED TO MAKING A STATEMENT AGAINST HELMITE KITCHENS.
Sendany: #dedication
Tepp: It's not my fault the bitch DM won't put the demon in its ice form like ever.

Fifteen turns later...

DM: The demon enters its fire form.
Tepp: OH COME ON.
Tepp: That's TWENTYTWO transformations without ever entering ice form. I'm not going to lose my engineers to this bullshit. Waffles, Cocoamancer is in danger here, help me out.
Luna: Pistol and Ciclop can take the beating for him.
DM: Cyclop.
Tepp: I need all three!
Luna: I don't.
Tepp: So lawful good the Purifier is aching for your hands.
DM: Alas, if only you had prepared for this eventuality.
Luna: IF ONLY.
Tepp: Eventuality.
Tepp: We're talking a probability of... like 0.2%.
Luna: Hmf.
Luna: He has a point.
DM: Hey, still in the realm of possibility.
Luna: But not in the realm of plausibility.
DM: Uh... well...
DM: Maybe the demon scried you on the first level and figured this would be smart?
Luna: Why are the rolls hidden if this is deliberate?
DM: ...
DM: Don't want to show you my threesided die?
Luna: That's it. Harm.
DM: Miss.
Luna: Harm.
DM: Miss.
Luna: HARM.
DM: MISS.
Luna: Harm.
DM: Hit.
Tepp: Ring of the Ram.
DM: Fine, you win.
Tepp: Oh, so now energy works?
DM: Actually-
Tepp: Nononononevermind!
DM: Thought so.
Tepp: Well.
Tepp: Waffles, mine clearly isn't the only spellbook full of questionable choices. Four Harm memos?
Luna: I'll fix mine the next time we rest. How about yours?

Tepp: Okay.
Tepp: My engineers will mount the fan in the poison library, facing the poison room.
Luna: WHAT.
Luna: I helped you out and you would see me parted from Cocoamancer?!
Sendany: High five-
Luna: No high fiving.
Tepp: From a character perspective-
Luna: You are NEVER in character.
Tepp: There was this time-
DM: Leave it be.
DM: Let him mount his useless fan. He needs 25 strength to operate the heat pump anyway.
DM: Only by your aid or declaring himself the Bhaalspawn will that happen.
Luna: Fine.
Luna: You will pay for this, Horsebreath.
Tepp: I'm not planning to get them killed. You can ERP with Cocoamancer when his job is done.
Luna: You will pay.
Tepp: Bring it on, then. See if your spite can trump the revenge I have in store for our dear DM.

enqenq · March 2015

We do have names!

The forum wouldn't let me put this episode in a single post because it was too long, so make sure to read both halves.

DM: You emerge from the portal into a room with seemingly four exits, each being a portal. There is a compass etched into the floor. Ahead of you, a raving elf calling himself Yakman - in third person - accuses you of being disguised demons and runs through the southern portal.
Tepp: I know the portal order here-
Luna: I don't care, we're following the elf.
Tepp: *subtle smirk*
DM: You follow the mad elf through the portal. It leads you to a room with just one portal. Yakman is still raving, but does not seem to acknowledge your presence.
Tepp: Sendy, check for traps and loot if he doesn't care.
Luna: Or maybe don't.
Sendany: Or maybe I will! Gloves anyone?
Luna: HMF.
Tepp: Gloves sounds like fun.
DM: You can't wear them. They're for bards only.
Sendany: Allow me to demonstrate Use Any Item!
Tepp: Oh, so the thumb goes in the thumb hole... how could I be so dumb? Wait, what did you do with your pinky?
DM: Will you shut up about Use Any Item?
Tepp: Is there anything else?
Sendany: Er, a poem. With directions perhaps.
Tepp: Cool. I wonder how much experience he's worth.
Luna: No.
Tepp: I'm just putting him out of his misery, it's quite humane.
Luna: I'm going to heal him.
Tepp: My apologies. I didn't know you used level six slots on spells fitting your alignment.
Luna: Yakman is healed.

DM: Yakman explains his real name is Tamorlin, and-
Tepp: Tamorlyn.
DM: It says Tamorlin.
Tepp: Screw your lame names, he's Tamorlyn.
DM: Tamorlin.
Tepp: You were a bitch about Ciclop.
DM: Cycl... WHATEVER. Tamorlyn. He then says-
Tepp: OKAY!
Tepp: Now I want to know where his song of love is.
DM: Uh?
Tepp: Tamorlyn's Lost Song of Love. For Sharwyn's quest.
DM: ...wrong campaign.
Tepp: SAME WORLD.
DM: It's not the same Tamorlyn.
Tepp: Oh, it's not the same elven bard with the same name?
DM: Who said he's a bard?
Tepp: Gee, the Bard's Gloves? The poem?
DM: ...
DM: Well he doesn't have it.
Tepp: But he should remember it.
DM: He doesn't remember anything.
Tepp: He was about to say that some annoying halfling was calling him Yakman.
DM: ...
DM: What are you going to do with it?!
Tepp: Impress Sharwyn, duh?
DM: From whence came this sudden desire for creatures with flesh, organs and limbs?
Sendany: And a clean criminal record.
Tepp: My love for Kangaxx was ridiculed for its controversiality.
DM: Your love was ridiculed, and one-sided.
Tepp: But Sharwyn. She's a smoking hot redhead. There can be no more socially acceptable romantic endeavor.
Tepp: I intend to SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET by already having this song when she asks for it.
DM: Your character will never meet Sharwyn.
Tepp: NUH UH. The loading screens say we can import our BG2 characters into NWN.
DM: THIS IS PNP FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
Tepp: WELL I CAN STILL GO THERE AFTER THIS CAMPAIGN.
Tepp: GIVE ME THE SONG.
DM: FINE.

Tepp: We pick up the scepter, exit the room and take the eastern portal.
DM: This room too is a crossing of portals. In the center, a Blood War skirmish is ensuing.
Tepp: Planetar!
Sendany: We should really get a fighter.
Tepp: Maybe we will...
Tepp: Then again, you should really have rolled a swashbuckler.
Sendany: Pff.
DM: I take it you're taking the usual can't-be-bothered-to-lower-resistance-so-Planetar-does-it-all approach to this battle?
Tepp: You know, there are five spell levels where someone could have researched a mass lower resistance spell too.
Tepp: I'm a sorcerer anyway, why am I so restricted? Spells are an expression of my power.
DM: I will not let you invent your own spells.
Tepp: Pff.
Tepp: I shall prev-
Tepp: I shall prevail.
Tepp: I shall prevail!
Tepp: I shall prev-
Tepp: I SHALL prevail.
Tepp: I shall-
Luna: SHUT UP.
DM: The Planetar has won.
Tepp: It prevailed!
Tepp: Now what.
Luna: Is there anything else in the room?
Sendany: (If only we were so meticulous about searching rooms when the author knows they're empty...)
Tepp: (That would get so annoying to read.)
Tepp: Ahem.
Tepp: Tab key down.
DM: PEN. AND. PAPER.
Tepp: Give me a break.
DM: There's a pillar in the center.
Luna: I inspect it.

DM: There is an inscription upon the pillar. It reads: With my last breath, I place my greatest prize forever beyond the reach of the evil all around me.
Luna: Huh.
Tepp: I wanna touch the pillar.
Luna: No.
Sendany: I wanna-
Luna: No!
Tepp: Touchy touchy.
DM: Nothing happens.
Sendany: Touchy touchy touchy.
DM: Nothing happens, still.
Luna: Obviously not when those two are at least halfway to evil.
Luna: I place my hand on the pillar.
DM: Nothing happens.
Luna: Eh.
Luna: I guess some bored moron carved a misleading inscription to confuse us.
Tepp: Hehehehehe.
Luna: What?
Tepp: Nothing!
Luna: What's supposed to happen?
Tepp: Something.
Tepp: If an LG character touches it.
Luna: Obviously not.
DM: *shifts uncomfortably*
Luna: ...
Luna: Did you change my alignment??
DM: In fairness to myself, you don't act your alignment.
Luna: What the fuck.
Luna: I'm the blinding ray of justice here.
DM: Alignments are absolute. The pillar isn't happy just because you're the most good character in the party.
Sendany: Oh no, the pillar isn't happy.
Luna: You can't just change it and not tell me!
DM: It was a tacit agreement.
Luna: IT WAS A TACIT AGREEMENT.
Luna: I admit Luna may have been a little too willing to compromise in the first campaign, but here? She's hardcore LG now.
Tepp: DINGDINGDING that has to be the first purely out-of-character line.
Luna: I'm pretty sure we should DINGDINGDING every time you open your rank-with-equine-diet mouth, then.
DM: Word.
DM: And your "hardcore LG" character was willing to sacrifice Pistol and Ciclop just to spite Tepp.
Luna: I wasn't serious.
DM: You don't lie as LG.
Luna: Are you for real??
Tepp: Seriously.
Tepp: I'm not sure what's worse, the motivation for changing her alignment or the fact that she's fighting to get a weapon she can't wield anyway.
Luna: Bah.
Luna: I'm LG and that's final, you can keep whatever's in there.
Tepp: Maybe Sendy could teach you Use Any Item.
Luna: Oh I wouldn't go there, maybe the dungeon will get flooded if we explore that path.
Tepp: Hehehehe.
DM: *sigh*

Tepp: Right, which exit now?
Sendany: The eastern one, if I understand the poem right.
Tepp: Right right, the eastern one.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Which way is east?
Tepp: There's no compass on this floor.
DM: The perspective should tell you-
Tepp: Tell us what?
Tepp: Pen. And. Paper.
DM: Shut up.
DM: Use your own compass.
Tepp: We have a compass?
DM: You do.
Tepp: Isn't that advanced technology?
DM: It's a magnetized needle in a water-filled petri dish with a lid on it.
DM: Which part sounded like quantum rocket surgery?
Tepp: Waffles, are compasses primitive tech?
Luna: It's basic enough.
Tepp: Okay just checking.
Tepp: So we can be assumed to be possessing simple tools that are generally useful to adventurers.
DM: Exactly.
Tepp: Like a tinderbox.
DM: Oh for heaven's sake.
Luna: HAHAHAHAHA!
Sendany: No mercy.
DM: Will you ever shut up about the tinderbox?
Tepp: Did we ever have one?
Tepp: What if we left it in say, the Underdark? Maybe you'll flood it to keep us from getting it? OH WAIT!
DM: You're welcome to shut up about that too.
Luna: If we have a compass, then we have a tinderbox too.
DM: Maybe I'll change your deity to Gond-
Luna: Maybe you won't.
DM: FINE.
DM: You now have a tinderbox. Knock yourselves out.
Tepp: And east we go!

DM: You enter a room full of demons. One of them-
Tepp: FIREBALL!
DM: ...
DM: It did no damage.
DM: What were you trying to accomplish?
Tepp: To start combat before the conversation started. And I succeeded. Horrid Wilting would have been too slow.
DM: To what end?
Tepp: So we won't have a far larger alignment discussion to determine whether or not this idiot will ask us to side with him.
DM: *sigh*
DM: I'm not gonna bother mentioning that "the game isn't paused" during dialogue in PnP.
Sendany: Clearly you weren't.
DM: Have your fight.

DM: That's two rooms of demons wiped out. Narrowly, I should say. And the poem is damaged.
Tepp: Because that room had to be a dead magic room. You couldn't just change it to make it less messed up for our party.
DM: I'd be spoiling your playground if I made such changes.
Tepp: Whatever, let's continue.
Sendany: The next two lines are missing...
Tepp: I remember which way to go.
DM: No you don't.
Tepp: Well Sendany gave his thief int like this were third edition. He should remember.
Tepp: Also, he should dual class to mage.
Sendany: At this level? Sheesh.
Tepp: Won't be more fun if you wait another.
DM: Point conceded. Sendany remembers the next line at least.
DM: Which is, south.
Luna: South it is.

DM: You are greeted by a succubus and her retinue of alu-fiends.
DM: She believes you are lost, and is willing to lead you to the exit.
Luna: How serendipitous.
DM: All she asks in exchange is a kiss.
Luna: Horsebreath, why aren't we killing them?
Sendany: It doesn't sound too prudent.
Luna: Why not?
Sendany: I'm not sure how well I remember the next line...
Luna: I trust your memory a hundred times more than I trust a succubus.
Sendany: Ah, I wish I could say the same.
Luna: Sendy.
Sendany: Lend me your necklace, will you? I don't want to get energy drained.
Luna: SENDY.
Sendany: Alright, a Restoration spell then.
Luna: YOU ARE NOT KISSING THE SUCCUBUS!
Sendany: Sheesh, what's the worst that could happen?
Luna: HOW ABOUT ENRAGING YOUR HEALER.
Sendany: I didn't know Luna Wafall cared so much whom Sendany Mayocomb did or didn't kiss.
Luna: STOP IT.
Sendany: Do our characters also have a relationship?
Luna: ENOUGH, SENDY! I MEAN IT!
Sendany: Try not to get OOC-jealous of a fictional character, will you?
Luna: THAT DOES IT!
Sendany: Oh help, the plastic figurine is stealing my boyfriend!
Luna: YOU ASSHOLE!

Luna leaps out of Sendany's lap, pushes him and then takes the spare seat.

DM: Hey don't steal my DM castle-
Luna: MINE.
Tepp: *gasp*
DM: You're not the DM and you're making a mess of things!
Luna: IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ANDY'S ROTTEN FACE ANOTHER SECOND I WILL MAKE A MESS OF THAT INSTEAD.
DM: MY castle.
DM: *reclaims the castle*

Luna throws her dice at Sendany.

Sendany: Hmm, which action required all those rolls?
Luna: MAYBE ACTUALLY PAYING FOR A GIRL'S DRINK WHEN YOU OFFER TO BUY HER ONE. CLEARLY AN EPIC CHALLENGE.
Sendany: I paid for the first five drinks.
Luna: BUT THEY WERE THE WRONG ONES.
Sendany: Neither I nor the bartender had heard of a Piña Chocolada.
Luna: IMPROVISE.
Sendany: He did. Six times.
Luna: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Luna: *fuming*
Luna: I bet Cocoamancer could get that drink right.
Sendany: I bet... hmm...
Luna: I'm glad you're taking her up on her offer; CLEARLY your int score is a misrepresentation.
Sendany: I bet Sally here doesn't need to be reminded to use her tongue when kissing.
Luna: You named it Sally...
Luna: I bet Cocoamancer actually wakes up in time to serve his girlfriend the breakfast she was promised before say, noon.
Sendany: I bet Sally wouldn't rearrange her boyfriend's furniture after three days together.
Luna: Oh yeah? I bet Cocoamancer doesn't need to strike a "perfect balance" between "drunk enough to dare to dance" and "sober enough to be able to dance".
Sendany: I bet Sally wouldn't make anyone wait three hours outside a museum "in case they open earlier".
Luna: THEY DID OPEN EARLIER!
Sendany: Yeah, eight minutes earlier.
Luna: I BET COCOAMANCER WOULDN'T ARRIVE LATE FOR A DATE TO WAX HIS CAR.
Sendany: On that we can agree.
Luna: GAH.
DM: I'm sorry, there's a campaign here-
Luna: HE STARTED IT.
DM: If you'll permit my opinion, I'm pretty sure you started it two levels ago.
Luna: I NEVER ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING WITH COCOAMANCER.
Sendany: Oh yeah? What were you doing when the Underdark got flooded, hmm?
Luna: ...
Luna: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

enqenq · March 2015

(continued)

Luna: LISTEN HERE BRATS.
Luna: THE UNDERDARK. IS. HUGE.
Luna: AND THAT MEASLY HOLE IN THE SAHUAGIN CITY---
Luna: LIKE. IT IS STILL BEING FLOODED IF ANYONE HERE CARES ABOUT THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
Luna: SO, WHAT WAS I DOING WHEN IT GOT FLOODED? WELL, I WAS WATCHING MY BOYFRIEND KISS A DEMONESS SLUT RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
DM: In fairness, they haven't kissed yet.
Luna: Grrr.
Luna: They may as well now.
Luna: The damage is done.
Luna: Well, Andy? Aren't you going to claim your prize?
Sendany: Oh, this is such a moment. I cannot simply rush into it.
Luna: Do not let me interrupt.
Sendany: Interrupt further, you mean.
Luna: Come on, wuss. There's your exotic woman. I'm sure she'll let you do more than kiss if you're so willing anyway.
Sendany: I should be totally starved for such fruit, as our characters are clearly engaged in a strictly platonic relationship.
Luna: Much talking, little kissing. The usual deal with your lips.
Sendany: Salut, Sally. It sounds so poetic in French.
Luna: KISS HER SO THE CAMPAIGN CAN CONTINUE.
Tepp: Fireball.

Luna: YOU!
Luna: You don't! You don't!
DM: Pick up your dice. Combat is on.
Luna: It's NOT on.
DM: Tepp just rejected the succubus' offer on behalf of everyone.
Luna: Hnnnnnnnng.
Luna: I wonder which portal will take me back to level two.
Luna: You can fight. I head west.
DM: You must gather your party before vent-

Luna barrages the DM with some choice ammunition.

Luna: PEN. PAPER.
DM: Don't crumple your character sheet.
Sendany: Also, it's a pencil.
Luna: SHUT UP. I head west. W-E-S-T.
DM: PnP or not, I'm not letting you leave them behind like that.
Luna: Then I'll just leave the party! Ha.
Tepp: *blink*
Tepp: Whoa whoa.
Tepp: You don't actually need to gather the party.
DM: I say you do.
Luna: Yep. So I'm out.
Tepp: No no no no no no no.
Tepp: Please please stay.
Luna: Never seen you care before.
Luna: I head west and nobody stops me this time.
Tepp: I intercept Luna.
Luna: Out. Of. My. Way.
Tepp: Still in the party.
Luna: What difference does that make to you?
Tepp: Please please please please stay.
Tepp: Sandra.
Tepp: Be professional here, as the foremost roleplayer among us-
DM: *cough*
Tepp: -and don't let Andy get to you. Luna has no reason to be this upset.
Luna: Maybe Luna is worried about Cocoamancer.
Tepp: He's fine, I promise.
Luna: I'm not convinced.
Luna: If I have to leave the party-
Tepp: Nonononononononono!
Tepp: I really need you to stay.
Luna: This is about a prank. It's not appreciation of my presence.
DM: Not even a new prank...
Tepp: Stayyyy.
Luna: No. I'm out.
Tepp: NONONONONO.
Tepp: Stay.

Tepp slides a chocolate bar over to Luna.

Tepp: Stay. Stay stay stay.
Luna: ...
Luna: But my character cannot be swayed by what happens to me.
DM: Evidently. It's not like the default state for all three of you is putting your own minds in your characters' bodies.
Luna: I do that the least THANK YOU.
Luna: With that being said, it would be unprofessional for Luna to change on account of myself being bribed.
Tepp: Might another bar help you forget about that?
Luna: Hmm.
Luna: It is within the realm of possibility. And plausibility.

Tepp slides another bar over.

Sendany: Is Sandra playing the same game as we are? See, I have some dice, a character sheet, a pencil and an eraser. She has two chocolate bars.
Luna: And my "Tinderbox".
Luna: *flaunts her phone*
Luna: Peter. Pick my stuff up. And copy my stats over to a new sheet. Make your best imitation of my handwriting.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: The things I do for pranks.
DM: So how many paragraphs is this stupid room gonna span?
Tepp: Oh yeah, Planetar and all that.

DM: Before we proceed.
DM: You realize it's all weird now that the readers know your names, and that YOU know them, yet you have been referring to each other by your character names all this time, like this were an MMO or something.
DM: We should retcon all this and at the very least put your real names in place of your character names whenever OOC, and adjust the script to make sense, and of course be more mindful of this in the future.
DM: All in fav-

ZAP!

*stunned silence*

DM: ...whoa.
DM: Lightning struck my DM castle. How the...?
Tepp: Clearly it was a bad idea, mister David Marley.
Sendany: Oh I get it, it's funny because the DM's name makes sense either way.
DM: Not when you call me "the" DM, dumbass. Let's drop the topic... maybe this ominous dark cloud above my DM castle will disperse then.
Luna: Let's NOT drop the topic until the author explains how the cardboard castle didn't catch fire, let alone-
Tepp: OW!
Tepp: Shielded your chocolate bars from another bolt...
Tepp: Now let's continue.

Sendany: It seems I recalled the poem correctly again.
Luna: He leads us into a room full of demons and assumes he got it right because of that.
DM: Devils.
Luna: See any prospective girlfriends?
Sendany: I bet their claws are more pleasant against the skin than your cold, scaly-
Luna: And despite their anatomy, their table manners should still be better than yours.
DM: So I think the devil leader wishes to speak.
DM: He rhymes a lot, ultimately expressing his gratitude for you bringing him the heart, yet-
Luna: How sweet Sendy, you gave him a heart. Even if it wasn't your own. Want us to look away?
Sendany: Sure you don't want to trade your soul for a chocolate bar?
DM: YET he is puzzled that the defeat of their mortal enemies didn't help.
Luna: Aw look Sendy, it seems it wasn't good enough. You'll just have to present your own.
Luna: Just warn him his girlfriend might be very disappointed if he replaces his own with your weak lump of flesh, having you fall asleep during cuddletime like a rampant narcoleptic, like a-
DM: Did not need to know.
Sendany: You snore like a chainsaw with hiccups. I need to make sure I fall asleep first.
Luna: I do not snore.
Sendany: Do too.
Luna: Do NOT.
Sendany: Do too.
Luna: DO NOT.
Tepp: Do too.
Luna: ...
Luna: *points at a random portal*
Sendany: (Random. Out of two.)
Luna: Behave. Yourself.
Tepp: ...sorry.
Tepp: Anyway... I wish to speak to the demon.
Tepp: Would you like to add to hoard, a piece of sacred silver sword?
DM: Uh? You're just going to offer it treasure?
Tepp: Yes.
DM: It accepts-
Tepp: Ahem. I want to hear the response.
DM: Sigh.
DM: I accept this gift of blade of silver...
DM: Saves me trouble of needing pilfer.
Tepp: That does NOT rhyme.
DM: Short notice, jackass.
Tepp: Try again, just the second half.
DM: ...
DM: I'm not pausing the adventure for this.
Sendany: Wait wait.
Sendany: I will part as well with loot, here good friend, a citrus fruit!
DM: ...
DM: I have no use for your orange...
DM: I will throw it in this trench.
Tepp: Does NOT rhyme!
Sendany: Hahaha, indeed it doesn't!
Luna: Right back to the pranks, eh Sendy?
DM: Whatever the fuck, the demon is angry now.
Tepp: Devil.
DM: Angrier.

Tepp: *clears throat*

With Sendany and Luna on countless instances
Giving voice to pains and grievances
Each insisting the other were dafter
We fought through a bunch of rooms thereafter

By the time we were asked to play with the deck
I had to keep these infants in constant check

DM: *interrupts*
DM: Your verse sucks.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: At least we didn't have to describe those meaningless battles.
Sendany: You're still not a bard bro.
Luna: At least he is creative enough to have aspirations not derived from his class description.
Luna: I'm sorry, those were probably too big words.
Luna: Oh damn, again. Probably means, likely. Two syllables.
Luna: Syll-a-bles.
Tepp: Truly shit has hit the fan for you to defend me.
Tepp: And my fan isn't even on this floor.
DM: That joke was a critical miss.
Tepp: So like let's continue with the plot.
Luna: Hmf.
DM: Which of you will play?
Tepp: I will. However long it takes, I will.
Luna: *munches on chocolate*
Luna: Sure, saves me having to deal with the cambion.
Sendany: I wonder if I can pickpocket him.
Tepp: Don't.
Luna: Oh, he'll do anything he's told not to do.
Sendany: I wonder how many times I protested against your moments with Cocoamancer.
Luna: You might not have kept track, but I did. I'll tell you whenever you're ready to use both hands to count.
Sendany: That's rich, considering-
Tepp: I WAGER THE WAY OUT.
Sendany: Hmf.
DM: What would you like to play for?
Tepp: His motherfucking gem.
DM: *scribble*
(Whoa, no excitement here. Just straight for the gem.)
Tepp: *scribble*
(Look, I have the scepter. I have the other two gems. The other two have every incitement to act like children right now. I do not want one of them to get it.)

Luna: Are you passing notes?
Luna: What happened to whispering?
DM: Um...
DM: I sense... that the author has never actually played PnP but he watched something recently that made him believe that this is perhaps the way things are more commonly done.
Tepp: Also, we've used up all the whisper jokes anyway.
Luna: Oh, not at all. Whispering in the dark is a romantic act whose merits are-
Tepp: *throws his dice*
DM: I'm not counting rolls that are off the table.
Tepp: *picks them up and rolls again*
DM: Err... Strife.
DM: You are slowed.
Tepp: Goodness no!
Tepp: Please tell me how the cambion considers the genasi a genius.
Tepp: I cast Haste and it's gone.
DM: Yeah yeah.
DM: Aesgareth draws a card...
Tepp: Please Construct, please Construct, please Construct.
Tepp: Don't hide the fucking roll.
DM: Shut up.
DM: He draws Triumph.
Tepp: *groan*
Luna: You just lost us everything? Seriously?
Tepp: No I didn't.
Luna: I'm sure Strife beats Triumph. Yeah.
Sendany: The mathematician among us is clearly suggesting he somehow would have fared better if he had saved the only meaningful wager for later.
Luna: Wow, I'm sorry you're so out of character that you wouldn't even consider not playing this by the rules.
Sendany: I'm sorry you're so out of character that your LG toon is up for cheating.
DM: Aesgareth dispatches some lowly knights.
DM: You won the draw.
Luna: Bullshit.
Luna: Show me the rules.
Luna: *reads*
Luna: Huh.
Sendany: Really now?
Sendany: So the last gem is ours?
Luna: Why did you want him to draw Construct? You would have lost.

Tepp: BECAUSE.
Tepp: If we lost, he would have let us out anyway.
Tepp: But now.
DM: Now he's going to be a sore loser and attack you.
Tepp: And you two are a pain in the ass with your jives in every conversation, but as every reader would know if I hadn't chosen to summarize the last few rooms with a poem.
Tepp: You start a new leg of Childishness Olympics WHENEVER COMBAT IS ON.
Luna: Cause Light Wounds.
Sendany: Evasion.
Tepp: Case in fucking point.
Tepp: Planetar and a heartfelt prayer to Tymora.

enqenq · March 2015

The power of poetry

Two-parter again.

DM: As you enter the fourth level, and hopefully stop trying to get each other killed-
Tepp: STOP IT.
Tepp: POWER WORD PEACE.
Luna: *grumble*
Sendany: Hmf.
DM: Ahem.
DM: A man within a large, strange contraption is watching illithid and githyanki fight, manically enjoying the show, and even throwing spells into the fray, seemingly at random.
DM: He then gets bored and disperses the combatants by summoning a demon.
DM: You walk up to him, and he's at first a little confused as you're not extraplanar creatures, but then he realizes you're adventurers.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Is he the Imprisoned One?
DM: No, he's not.
DM: He is Carston the Magnificent...
DM: Emperor of the Elevation!!
Tepp: ...
Luna: That's a title so dumb even Andy couldn't have thought of it.
Sendany: Still, it's not beyond YOUR intellect.
Luna: If-
Tepp: HIS TITLE, is Lord of the Lev-
DM: I'm afraid you were about to recite *my* title.
DM: This here is Carston the Magnificent.
DM: Sire of the Stage.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: How did he get stuck behind the glass?
DM: By accident. But he likes it in there. He's...
DM: Er, immortal.
Tepp: Unlike the Lord of the-
DM: Don't wear it out.
Luna: If we find a way to get him out, could we put Sendany in there and then get rid of the means of escape?
Sendany: I had a similar thought.
Luna: Of course you did.
DM: Carston is tired of you. He summons illithid to attack you.
Sendany: Hide.
Luna: Sanctuary.
Tepp: Here we fucking go again.

As the last mind flayer falls, someone rings the doorbell. The DM lets the visitor in.

Peter: Well hey, Snackbringer.
Sandra: Hey JJ.
Andy: Heya.
Johnny: Hey. Am I interrupting?
Peter: Not at all. Though we might not be able to fit you in right now.
Johnny: It's okay.
Peter: Hmm...
Sandra: Yeah no, don't give me that look. I didn't tell him there was a spare seat.
David: (Because there are no more chairs in this house or anything...)
Johnny: Was I late?
Peter: No, let's call it...
Peter: ...party dynamics.
Peter: Also, the character we had in mind for you has been left behind.
Johnny: Aww.
Peter: We'll get you in for the next campaign if not sooner.
Peter: In the meantime, cook us something.
Johnny: Well, sure.
Peter: I'll do my best to speed this up.
Johnny: Don't rush for my sake.
Johnny: *walks upstairs to cook*
Sandra: JJ can cook?
Peter: Eh.
Peter: I'm not sure. He can be told to cook.
Peter: Let's hope Amy's skills have rubbed off on him by now.
David: Let's continue. This use of our real names is actually weird.
Peter: Can you imagine how this paragraph would have looked otherwise? Considering JJ doesn't have a character yet.
Peter: Also, I'm sensing the author is considering swapping between player and character names depending on how in-character we are, for the next campaign, and this is an experiment towards that goal.
Sandra: "Next campaign"?
Sandra: I'm not sure I'll be here the next HOUR.
Peter: You'll miss dinner.
Sandra: I'm not hungry.
Andy: Because you stuffed yourself with chocolate.
Sandra: Maybe the next half hour...

DM: I'm not here to make any decisions for you...
Tepp: But we need to rest.
DM: It would seem so.
DM: And it's gonna be a long rest too.
Tepp: Uh?
DM: Luna has no healing spells memorized.
Luna: Hmf.
Tepp: Of course she doesn't.
Luna: I'd also like to state for the record that I possess the only regenerative item.
Sendany: I'd like to state for the record that I can pick pockets.
Luna: I'd like to state for the record that I'm wearing it.
Sendany: I'd like to state-
Tepp: I'd like to state, for the record, that this is what I truly fear about resting: You two fighting while I'm asleep.
DM: While we're at it, I'd like to state for the record that none of you have an alignment that would keep you from getting CLW as a Bhaalspawn power. A stated alignment, anyway...
DM: So you just rest, and-
Tepp: And if we're all healed at the end, you'll have ruled out Luna as the Bhaalspawn, because she wouldn't heal Sendany. Nice try.
DM: Thank you. I thought so too.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: I can handle the missing health. I know how to play things safe if I have to.
Tepp: Can you two promise not to fuck around while we rest? Pretty motherfucking please?
Luna: Hmf.
Luna: Fine... each hit point missing from Sendany's total shall constitute a sweet dream.
Sendany: I will not promise not to brood and plot.
Tepp: Great. Let's rest.
DM: You have rested for eight hours but not healed.
Sendany: I should get one hit point healed!
DM: You spent too much time brooding and plotting instead of actually resting, so no.
Luna: Ha-ha.
Sendany: I'm a talented brooder-
Luna: You're a talented asshole.
Sendany: You're a talented-
Tepp: Planetar.
Sendany: Luna is a talented Planetar?
Tepp: The Planetar heals me and Sendy.
Sendany: Hehehe.
Sendany: No healing monopoly, eh?
Luna: Fuck you both.
Luna: Don't expect me to promise anything the next time you need to rest, Horsebreath.

DM: You enter the githyanki encampment, and a cold welcome is yours.
Luna: Cause Serious Wounds.
Sendany: Evasion.
Tepp: Seriously...
Tepp: My Planetar and I fight the githyanki.
Luna: Free Action.
Sendany: ...
Sendany: Obviously right before I land a CF stun.
Luna: Ha-ha.
Tepp: Stop it.
Sendany: It's no fucking fair that she can see me when I hide.
Sendany: Perhaps I should-
Tepp: NO.
Tepp: There's githyanki here to take out your aggressions on. Both of you. Go nuts.
Sendany: Shouldn't my cloak reflect her touch spells?
Luna: Why don't you stop dodging and we'll try?
Luna: Cause Serious Wounds.
Sendany: OW!
Tepp: I'm not sure that's how it works...
Tepp: Fuck it, I'm not arbitrating your fight.
Sendany: If I break her line of sight, she shouldn't be able to see me when I hide.
Sendany: Oh whoops, the next room wasn't empty.
Tepp: Oh fucking whoops.
Luna: Harm.
Luna: Come back here...
Sendany: Err...
Sendany: Evasion again.
Luna: Brat.
Tepp: Wanna help me with the githyanki? Pretty please?
Luna: I'm not listening to "pretty please" again.
Sendany: Listen to my Celestial Fury then.
Luna: Oh wow, I got the nerdchills there. 11 damage. Well done.
Tepp: STOP FIGHTING EACH OTHER.
Luna: Can I dispel Evasion?
DM: Err-
Luna: Dispel Magic.
Tepp: Oh really oh really oh really.
DM: No, you cannot dispel Evasion.
DM: But you did dispel yourself and Tepp and the githyanki.
Sendany: Ohh, no more Free Action eh?
Luna: Because the stun is so likely to happen.
Sendany: Why are you running then?
Tepp: I would like to throw some Fireballs without hitting either of you, you know.
Luna: Then aim them well, jackass.
Sendany: Someone's cornered.
Luna: ...
Luna: But you can't hit me as long as I run, because you have so few attacks per round that the first animation is for a cosmetic one that still stops you and-
DM: HEY!
DM: I won't have any of that out of YOU.
DM: Sendany hits and stuns.
Luna: REALLY?
Tepp: REALLY?
Tepp: Maze on Sendany.
Sendany: Really?
Tepp: Yes, I'm so serious about stopping you two that I'll pass on-
Sendany: Everyone knows that song by now.
DM: Really?
DM: *checks spell list*
DM: No, not really. That was a scroll.
Tepp: Still used my round on it. Shut up.

Tepp: Vocalize.
Luna: Is your Planetar going to heal me?
Tepp: Is that going to make you stop fighting?
Luna: No.
Tepp: Indeed, no. You sit there in your stun.
Sendany: Ahh, all the mockery of my int score. I'll be out of this maze in no time.
Luna: Gee, how much of a brain do you need to follow one side until you get out?
DM: The labyrinth shifts.
Luna: Whatever.
Tepp: Spell Immunity: Abjuration.
DM: Interesting...
Tepp: Ahh, you only think you know why.
Tepp: So I battle the githyanki while the troublemakers are unable to interfere.
DM: Sendany finds his way out just as the stun on Luna ends.
Tepp: Naturally.
Luna: Hey asshole, why don't you try to chase me down again?
Luna: I run into the next room.
Tepp: No you motherfucking don't.
Luna: Already did.
Sendany: I give chase.
Tepp: I keep fighting our real enemies.
Luna: That's nothing. I cast Sanctuary. Have fun with the githyanki, asshole.
Sendany: ...
Sendany: I run into a corner and use Greater Evasion.
Tepp: Planetar assists Sendany.
Luna: Way to not choose sides.
Tepp: Only against the githyanki. You know, the zealots bent on killing us.
Luna: Harm.
Sendany: You can't reach me, duh.
Luna: I can reach the Planetar.
DM: The Planetar is reduced to 1 hit point, and subsequently killed.
Tepp: Seriously!
Tepp: I still destroy the remaining githyanki.
Luna: So what you gonna do? I'll keep running and use Sanctuary whenever I find something angry.
Luna: Either you follow or you split the party.
Tepp: Time Stop.
Luna: Huh.
Tepp: Friends. And looting the liquid.
Sendany: What.
Tepp: Friends.
DM: Heh.
Tepp: And Friends. That's 25 charisma.
DM: The Time Stop ends.
Luna: Oh don't you try.
Luna: I'll just silence... er. I'll disp...
Sendany: I'll cover my ears.
Tepp: You motherfucking won't.
Tepp: Now you two will listen to the guy with 25 charisma.
Luna: No I won't.
Sendany: No I won't.
DM: Yes you will.
Luna: MOST RELUCTANTLY.
Sendany: Even more reluctantly.
Tepp: You will stop fighting.
Luna: Nope.
Sendany: Nope.
Tepp: You will stop fighting or you will motivate why your CHARACTERS are so inclined to hate each other.
Luna: Oh look who's talking.
Sendany: Also, you can't make us ally against you.
Tepp: I'm not trying to.
Luna: I'm still heading down these stairs. You can't stop me.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: I pursue...
Sendany: ...
Sendany: I pursue.

DM: Before you stands a red dragon...
Luna: Oh, I'm all jittery. I'm going to provoke-
Tepp: No you're not.
Luna: I SO AM.
Tepp: 25 fucking charisma says you're not.
Sendany: I could-
Tepp: Nor you.
Sendany: Hmf.
Luna: ...
Sendany: ...
Luna: But we still gotta piss the dragon off, right. That's what we do.
Tepp: No we're not pissing the dragon off.
Sendany: Maybe WE aren't, but-
Tepp: Shut up.
Tepp: I have used a lot of spells. You two have also expended resources, against EACH OTHER. Furthermore, Luna has tailored her memos towards fighting Sendany.
Tepp: Even if I were sure you two wouldn't turn on each other before the first turn was over, I'm not fighting a fucking dragon while we're in this state.
Luna: Hmmmf.
Luna: Why don't we rest then?
Tepp: Oh yeah, I'm sure that will work out well.
Luna: So am I.
Tepp: Nope. I'm going to sweet talk this dragon into trading treasure.
Sendany: Oh boy.
Tepp: While I have 25 charisma anyway.
Tepp: But first, you two will promise not to fuck around.
Luna: ...
Sendany: ...
Luna: Bleh.
Sendany: Whatever.
Tepp: Good. Commencing sweet talk.
DM: The dragon is flattered by your words, yet far from interested in parting with any of its hoard.
DM: He argues, that since he's so magnificent, you should pay him tribute.
Tepp: A compelling argument, but surely such a grand being is no stranger to generosity?
DM: Also not a stranger to jealousy. Many have tried to steal from him. He suspects you are tricking him.
Tepp: I would not dream of it. I present him ten thousand gold pieces. A gift, and not part of any potential future trade.
Sendany: Wait here.
Tepp: Shut up.
Sendany: What's the dragon's name?
DM: Saladrex.
Sendany: Bahaha.
Tepp: That was an OOC "Bahaha" or I AM taking sides in your fight.
Sendany: Of course. Carry on.
Tepp: Perhaps the great Saladrex might part with something not too desirable?
DM: Well, he does possess something not very pleasing to the eye-
Tepp: To his majestic and discerning eyes, you mean.
Luna: Wow, I'm so sorry for your next date, you sapstorm.
DM: He might be willing to trade away a certain staff... but then again, perhaps not.
Tepp: Anything out of the great Saladrex' hoard-
Luna: Can we skip the actual words and just roll already.
Tepp: Fine.
DM: He will trade you the staff - which you obviously had no idea you wanted - in exchange for 25,000gp and 5,000gp worth of gems.
Tepp: A trade to which we agree, and add another 10,000gp as a tribute to his majesty.
Luna: *groan*
DM: You may leave peacefully.
Sendany: Wait.
Tepp: No fucking around, I told you.
Sendany: And I was very convinced by it.
Sendany: Yet, throughout the conversation, one of Sendany's innermost instincts has called out...
Sendany: He just cannot resist it anymore.
Tepp: Bullshit is not okay just because it's suddenly in character.
DM: So little happens here in character that I'm fine with anything right now.
Tepp: Pff.
Sendany: Ahem.
Sendany: I...
Sendany: ...insult Saladrex' accent.
Luna: ANDY!!!

enqenq · March 2015

(continued)

Tepp: Haste and making a run for it.
Tepp: You two are following.
Luna: YOU CHILDISH PIECE OF SHIT.
Tepp: Following.
Luna: FOLLOWING.
Sendany: You've been playing with your phone-
Tepp: Following.
Sendany: Following.
Sendany: You've been playing with your phone ever since you pulled that "Tinderbox" joke, so don't-
Luna: OH YEAH YOU WANNA KNOW HOW MANY DATES I HAVE FOR TONIGHT?
Sendany: No, I suspect I'll actually need to learn to count on the other hand as well.
Tepp: We run out of the dragon's chamber.
DM: With fire close behind you.
DM: He gives pursuit, tearing the dungeon down if need be.
Luna: WILL YOU EVER GROW UP!
Sendany: If growing up means ending up like you, I hope not.
Tepp: We run into the demilich's room.
Luna: YOU TWERP!
Sendany: You noisy bitch.
Tepp: I use my Ring of the Ram on the demilich, knocking it into the far corner, then walk into melee range.
Tepp: Refreshing my Spell Immunity: Abjuration.
Luna: It's called being PASSIONATE, have you TRIED it??
Sendany: Passionate smassionate.
Tepp: I'm in character now.
Tepp: IN CHARACTER!

The argument briefly stops as they glance at him.

Tepp: Oh...
Tepp: This reminds me so much of Kangaxx.
Tepp: It's so painful.
Luna: You're a twerp too.
Tepp: LISTEN!

Dark and cold is my heart of late
Only a demilich could melt it
None may contest that this is fate
Truer than this have I never felt it

Grateful I am that my heart may advance
Ever I hoped for this second chance
To one time again know love at first glance

Scared I was I'd never meet Kangaxx' clone
Oh, but you are his very memory made bone

David: What.
Sandra: The.
Andy: Fuck.
Peter: Don't interrupt.
Sandra: Made bone... really.
Andy: It's the same sprite-
Peter: Ahem.

Peter receives unanimously weird looks as he continues.

Floating around yet unaided by spell
Utterly weightless is how I feel as well
Certain I am yours is a love I will cherish
Know that I will never risk that you perish
If ever a golem should try kicking your head
Not that there's much else it could kick instead
Gentleman Tepp will not leave you for dead

Wounds have my heart, let their story be told
Oh Kangaxx you see, he had a heart quite of gold
Rambunctious he was, to say the least of the least
Kindled a dozen with the aid of our priest
Even more crimes we could ascribe to his name
Despite wicked ways, I still loved him the same

Until the moment of now, I was a lone saddened soul
Perchance it is you who shall see me made whole!

David: Obviously you're going to blow your annual supply of immersion on this bullshit.
Peter: Bullshit?

Perhaps out of fear, perhaps due to seeing the hidden message, Sandra and Andy's hands have ever so slowly moved towards each other under the table.

Often his limbs I would fondle excited
Very uncaring for the fever ignited
Ever aware that for bondage he lusted
Regretting I am that I never quite trusted

Afraid that my freedom would be forever adjusted

Generally though I was no intolerant lout
An affair with Lord Firkraag I even helped bring about
Myself I dreamed that he my crotch would eclipse
Even though he neither had tongue nor owned lips

Sandra: OKAY!
Andy: OKAY!
David: For fuck's sake.
Sandra: We've stopped fighting!
Andy: Promise!
Sandra: See? We're sharing the seat once more!
Andy: Ma cheri.
Sandra: He's even speaking French to me again!
Peter: You go back to your seat and grab your sheet and then return to Andy.
Peter: Forthwith.
Sandra: Forthwith!
David: That was fucking rich advice coming from you.
Peter: Please. I'm the most laid back player here by far.
Andy: Actually, I'm pretty sure "laid back" is about as defined as my personality is within the author's mind.
Peter: Shush. Let's continue.

DM: So you have a demilich here and a dragon trying to break into the next room.
DM: You could kill the demilich, but it would surely allow Saladrex to set up camp right outside.
Tepp: We're not killing it!
Luna: Please don't continue.
Tepp: I won't, unless someone tries to harm him.
Sendany: Like your ring did?
Tepp: We're in a complicated relationship.
Tepp: Run back to the main room.
Luna: Right.
Tepp: If Mr. DM decides they both follow us he's gonna have to explain why they didn't fight each other.
DM: *sigh*
DM: They won't follow, but I wouldn't recommend returning to this section.
Tepp: We're back in the main room.
DM: Where lives Carston the Magnificent, President of the Plane!
Luna: ...
Luna: I think we've had enough poetry for one day.
Sendany: Week.
Luna: Week.
Tepp: Never question my bard skills again.

Tepp: So can we rest, and memorize some proper spells this time?
Luna: Hold on hold on hold on.
Tepp: What.
Luna: Don't press THAT point.
Tepp: *grumble*

Tepp: So. The illithid section.
Tepp: Sendy... frontline?
Sendany: No, I'm cool.
Tepp: Bah.
Tepp: Mordenkainen's Sword times five, and Haste.
Tepp: Bless? Chant?
Luna: Ehh... nah.
Luna: I'm sure they'll be fine.
Tepp: Freeloaders...
DM: Your swords join battle with the illithid.
Sendany: Actually, so do I.
Tepp: Without backstabbing, apparently.
Sendany: That might kill them.
Sendany: Hello, can I get some attention over here? I'm hitting them and all.
Sendany: Very tasty brain too.
Sendany: Insulting their accents.
DM: ...
DM: Well congrats, they hit you.
Sendany: Ouch!
Sendany: I retreat to the safety of my trusted healer.
Luna: My my, what has happened to your rugged good looks?
Sendany: Brain extraction, I think.
Luna: Oh my, what might I do about that?
Luna: Will Cure Light Wounds help?
Sendany: It helped a little... my brain still feels slightly devoured.
Luna: Perhaps if I try in a different place?
Tepp: Okay seriously.
Tepp: Are you going to make out for this entire dungeon now?
Luna: Nope.
Sendany: Nope.

Four rooms later...

Luna: If I'm under Free Action, I don't think you're allowed to protest against anything I do.
Sendany: Baby, I'd love to slightly fail a pickpocket on you. A hundred times.
Tepp: I know I'm overpowered but can you at least PRETEND to give a fuck about the battles?
Tepp: Or the plot?
Tepp: Or the lack of privacy in the room we're in?
Tepp: Clearly not.
DM: Carston's apprentice explains very little, but-
Tepp: Don't you find it a waste to say this when only I am listening??

The magic golems...

Tepp: I can't melee for shit and all my summons have magical weapons.
Tepp: And no, I don't have Tenser's Transformation.
Tepp: Not even a scroll.
Tepp: So can you PLEASE grab a normal sorry weapon and have a swing at the golems??
Luna: The weapon I want to grab-
Tepp: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem.
Sendany: Jeez okay, I got something now.
Tepp: You're holding the sword by the edge.
Sendany: Oh am I? I believe-
Tepp: TOUCH SPELLS STOPPED BEING FUNNY BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED USING THEM FOR YOUR EROTIC ROLEPLAY.
Sendany: Can you silence him?
Luna: He knows Vocalize, I'm afraid.
Tepp: Grab a fucking weapon each and kill the golems please please please.
Tepp: You can freeload all you want after that.
Sendany: Baby, I don't want to objectify you, but it would let me demonstrate Use Any Item.
Tepp: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SEPARATE YOUR CHARACTERS' FEELINGS FROM YOUR OWN THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT!
Luna: With True Seeing active, there's nothing you can hide from me.
Tepp: Oh for fuck's sake.
Tepp: STONESKIN. MIRROR IMAGE. HASTE.
Tepp: SWINGING WITH MY UBER THAC0.

Twelve eternities later...

Tepp: DEAD THEY'RE DEAD.
DM: Well done! I believe I shall grant you a THAC0 bonus the next time you level up.
Tepp: You are too kind.
Tepp: Will you two wait here while I wrap this level up? Silence? I take that as a yes? Good.

DM: You join battle with the minotaurs.
Tepp: I handle them expertly.
Luna: We decide those fires look rather romantic.
Tepp: No no you don't.
Tepp: Stay out of my battles.
Sendany: That's not what you said half an hour ago.
Tepp: Just stay out and don't announce your ERP.
Luna: If I cast Entangle, will you try to save against it?
Tepp: Stop.
Sendany: What if you stepped on my Time Trap and found yourself undressed in-
Tepp: STOP.
Luna: Wow, he's rude.
Sendany: Did you notice he had to use Mirror Image quite a few times against the golems?
Tepp: No you fuckers haven't noticed anything combat-related since we fled from the dragon.
Luna: Silence 15' Radius.
Tepp: ...
Sendany: Ah, the sweet sound of having no level 2 castings left for Vocalize.
Luna: The sweet, sweet sound.
Tepp: ...

Peter: Could you hormone bombs read up on the game rules?
Peter: Vocalize would not let me speak while silenced ANYWAY.
Peter: But thanks for the interference.
Peter: Grabbing the mallet and leaving my summons to fend for themselves.
Peter: And you, if you insist the fires are so romantic.
Andy: Ah not to worry, plenty of touch spells left in her arsenal, I believe.
Sandra: Indeed.

The silence wears off, and the trio once again stands before Carston the Magnificent...

DM: Foremost of the Floor!
Luna: *sigh*
Tepp: Okay so.
Tepp: Wow, you see this?
Tepp: I'm totally grasping the mallet...
Tepp: BUT THE CROM FAEYR WOULD BE-
DM: The sound of rushing water interrupts the sorcerer's rant.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: He was just imagining it.
DM: He was.
Tepp: He's happily swinging the mallet, thinking nothing special of it.
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: So anyway...
Tepp: Six swings, I believe.
Tepp: I tap the glass six times.
DM: It shat-
Tepp: And a seventh!
DM: ...
Tepp: What, it unshattered?
Tepp: How long do I have to wait after the sixth tap before it knows I'm not gonna do a seventh?
Tepp: We should conduct science.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The glass shattered and fuck off.
DM: You have released Carston the Magnificent...
DM: Earl of the Etage!
Tepp: And I'm killing him before you can come up with another stupid title.

Peter: Are you two paying attention at all?
Andy: What? Oh yeah, totally.
Sandra: I heal you.
Peter: I'm not injured.
Sandra: If YOU had been paying attention you'd know how precious my touch spells are.
Peter: Gah.
Peter: Right.
Peter: You two obviously have little interest in playing right now. JJ is waiting for the next campaign so he can join.
Peter: It hurts to suggest this, it really does...
Peter: But for the greater good.
David: Terminate the campaign?
Peter: No, but skip level five.
David: I'm sure that will fuck up your prank so I'm in favor.
Andy: Oh yes, I'm in favor.
Sandra: The ayes have it.
Peter: But just for the record... intelligence and dexterity to Sendany, everything else to Luna.
David: Sure.

enqenq · March 2015

A mockery of Helm

DM: You enter the lair of the Imprisoned One. While you cannot see whoever it is that required such a huge prison be built, you can certainly feel its presence.
Tepp: And the presence of my engineers, who have dragged the hose all the way here. And the heat pump.
DM: *sigh*
DM: And those.
DM: Didn't you ruin your own prank anyway?
Tepp: Didn't YOU you mean?
DM: Whatever.
DM: Cocoamancer, by the way, greets Luna-
Luna: I dismiss him coldly and tell him to get back to work.
Sendany: Hehe.

DM: With that out of the way...
Tepp: I'm thinking, okay.
Tepp: It would be safe to assume that whatever is imprisoned here... or actually isn't really anymore, would be a formidable opponent.
Tepp: And we're not really suited to fight formidable opponents.

Peter: In particular for the lack of a 'we'.
Andy: No no.
Sandra: We're playing.
Peter: Good.

DM: Surely you must do something. Read the scroll, perhaps?
Tepp: I'm THINKING.
Tepp: Ugh.
Tepp: That infernal bell isn't making it easy.
DM: It will keep ringing so long as the Imprisoned One isn't... imprisoned.
Tepp: Really now.
Tepp: Nothing else will shut that fucking bell up?
DM: Nope.
Tepp: I'll stop it with my bare hands.
DM: I'm glad you're roleplaying your character's stress, but you couldn't stop it even if you had 25 strength.
Tepp: What if I swing from it? Make a mockery of it?
DM: Okay you're getting too worked up about this bell.
DM: Nothing short of resealing the prison will stop it, and Helm doesn't care what you do with it.
DM: Can you get back to the decision at hand?
Tepp: Hehehehehe.

Tepp: My engineers attach the heat pump to the bell.
DM: ...
DM: It...
DM: Gnnnng.
Tepp: It requires 25 strength and is operated by pushing a lever back and forth.
Tepp: I'm pretty sure you've established the bell can do that.
DM: You came all the way here to fuck around with the bell??
DM: The Imprisoned One disapproves. He-
Tepp: I am making a mockery of Helm. He should be laughing his demonic ass off.
DM: Jackass.
DM: Where's the mockery? Your pump is running. Congrats.
Tepp: Powering my fan on level two to create a flow of hot air into the poison room.
Tepp: Which meets with the flow of cold air from the air room.
Tepp: Cold and hot air makes tornadoes. TOXIC tornadoes, that can go through the portals and out of the keep.
Tepp: An endless supply thereof, seeing as you yourself have established that neither power supply is exhaustible.

David: NO!
David: IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!
Peter: IT SO DOES!
Peter: I GOOGLED IT!
David: DOES NOT!
Peter: DOES TOO!
Peter/David: SANDRA!
Sandra: What.
Peter: HOT COLD AIR TORNADO.
Sandra: Yeah sure.
David: NO.
Peter: HAHAHAHAHA!
David: STOP BREAKING SHIT.
Peter: YOU FLOODED THE UNDERDARK YOU BROKE MORE SHIT.
David: LARPDUEL!
Peter: IT'S ON!

Andy: Again?
Sandra: Clearly.
Andy: *shrug*
Andy: Your place or mine?

Johnny: Dinner's ready!
Johnny: Guys?
Johnny: ...
Johnny: And I wasn't even hungry.

As I'm typing this up, I seem to have approximately one reader - Bengoshi

I'm not going to speculate much about it, I'll just tag some old fans in the next post and hope they notice and like the sequel. Speaking of which... ToB. Will I do it? Maybe and not quite. The maybe is a question of motivation. I enjoy coming up with ideas, but turning them into stories that need to be polished and proofread (not so much the language as against the exact events and dialogue of the game) isn't so fun I'd do it just for my own sake. So if this isn't entertaining for anyone else, then nah, no ToB. And the not quite... well, the circumstances have changed. It wouldn't be enough to use the main plot and poke fun at it, but I certainly would conclude the Bhaalspawn saga. Anyway, if I am to do ToB, I could use some input here on a few points.

1) The party fled Watcher's Keep without resealing it. What would Demogorgon do?
2) What would Helm do? Not only in regards to Demogorgon but also vengeance against the party (or at least Tepp). If Demogorgon broke free, would Helm personally see him imprisoned again?
3) How weird is it with the player/character names. If I could turn back time I would have probably introduced the players themselves from episode one because this constant referring to each other by character name while OOC makes me feel like I'm raiding in WoW or so (and that's my background; I've never played PnP, so it probably made sense for me back in episode one). I'm thinking of heavier or perhaps even exclusive use of player names for ToB, and come to think of it it shouldn't be too difficult to retcon their real names in if need be (and then retcon my own protest against the retcon lol).
4) Are Tepp and Luna's colors different enough? I should probably make Luna's brighter but I'm hoping not to have to edit all the posts. Yes, it was stupid of me to give the characters with similarly long names similar colors.

5) Not that it will change much but I'm curious - how plausible was the whole tornado generator idea?

Trivia

* If you didn't catch the hidden message of the poem on level four, read the very first letter of each line only.
* While the links between the men's player and character names are rather obvious, I let Luna be played by Sandra because the only Luna I've played with in any game had that name IRL.
* Cocoamancer + Ciclop + Pistol = anagram of colonoscopic malpractice. I actually didn't think of the whole jealousy drama until I noticed I could make Cocoamancer. It's a shame Pistol didn't really matter but I couldn't find anything to do with his name.

enqenq · March 2015

Right, I'm tagging some old readers now. I'm guessing they, like I, just aren't as active here anymore.

@Necomancer (started it all!)
@jackjack (has good naming structure)
@CrevsDaak
@Rewolf
@Tyranus
@Elrandir
@Empyrial
@Nonnahswriter

That should do it... now may this thread flourish or fall :P

Grum · March 2015

For the record, I have now read through all of this thread. You are insane. And well done, as well. Most entertaining.

Also, which one is the Bhaalspawn? I hope it is actually cocoamancer.

enqenq · March 2015

Hey. I'm glad you liked it

I have decided which one is the Bhaalspawn, but it's scheduled for the ToB ending, although you could figure it out earlier (but not now). I'm afraid it's not Cocoamancer though, it's one of the three in the party... but perhaps he could become god of chocolate?

Plotbreaker and Friends

Plotbreaker and Friends

Shadows of Amn

Watcher's Keep

Throne of Bhaal

Comments

Our first public adventure

How not to tame your dragon

Restore Kangaxx' body? Nahh.

The nascent dragon harassment industry

Plotbreaking is for everyone

Blame Kangaxx for everything

How to not get anywhere

Planar plotbreaking

Deception

Consequences

The hunt for Jon Irenicus

Fish politics

Through darkness

Professional plotbreaking

Consequences. Again.

Professional plotfixing

The dragon and the demilich

Hot on the trail

In Imoen's name

Mischief in the making

Fire is complicated

Measured responses

We do have names!

(continued)

ZAP!

The power of poetry

(continued)

A mockery of Helm

Trivia