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Plotbreaker and Friends

enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
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  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    Measured responses

    DM: You are greeted by a demon. It-
    Sendany: -has an accent that begs to be mocked.
    Tepp: Is Cocoamancer staying back?
    Luna: If he is, then so am I.
    Tepp: No you're not.
    DM: Hello, there's a lonely demon trying to speak here.
    Tepp: Fine. I believe that in the name of pretending to care about the intended purpose of our visit, I should ask if it's the Imprisoned One.
    DM: It's not. From the question alone, it surmises you are not a helmite fanatic.
    DM: The Imprisoned One is farther below. The demon can open the portal to the next level.
    DM: All you need to do is free it.
    Luna: Darling Cocoamancer, I'm ashamed to admit I've never paid attention to the names of cocoa suppliers-
    Sendany: Yeah, that is the standard response to a demon requesting freedom. Especially from a LG character.
    Luna: Oh give me a break.
    Sendany: Stay with the party.
    Luna: What if I want to talk to Cocoamancer?
    Sendany: If you want to talk to Cocoamancer, I recommend Pistol be the messenger between you two.
    Luna: I wouldn't want to keep him from discussing-
    Tepp: OFFSCREEN FIREBALL INTO THE FIRE LIBRARY.
    Tepp: Now can we fight?

    DM: There's no offscreen in PnP...
    Tepp: Oh jeez, it was a two syllable description of the casting distance. Rather efficient.
    DM: Much like "max range".
    Luna: Sendyyy, shouldn't you be in the front?
    Sendany: I don't know, I think this expensive engineering team could use some personal protection.
    Luna: And they have it.
    Sendany: Which means I'm not getting healed if I leave them.
    Luna: Leave THEM?
    Sendany: Leave you.
    Tepp: Am I going to have to solo this encounter? Planetar out.
    DM: You have cleared the fire library of monsters.
    Tepp: Any chance we could clear it of traps? Sen-da-ny?
    Luna: Yes, Sen-da-ny?
    Sendany: Fine.
    Luna: How readily you walk away from me.
    Sendany: I'm not the one flirting with Cocoamancer.
    Luna: FLIRTING. We have brought these poor civilians to a most perilous place. I am merely making sure they're motivated to stay.
    Sendany: They? Only Cocoamancer.
    Luna: There's one for you and one for Horsebreath as well.
    Sendany: What happened to not helping him with his pranks?
    Luna: I have no problems with helping him when you are the one causing such bad atmosphere in the party.
    Sendany: The construction team for the temple didn't interact with us. Nameless little peons-
    Tepp: Nameless little peons die. Names help people survive.
    Sendany: *sigh*
    Sendany: The traps are gone.

    DM: The room is on fire.
    Tepp: Uh?
    DM: I believe someone requested his spells would interact with the environment more.
    Tepp: Oh jeez. And for this act of spite you chose a fire wizard's study?
    DM: Library.
    Tepp: Must have been beyond him to protect his work.
    Tepp: So all the loot is ruined?
    DM: Quite.
    Tepp: Okay whatever. You must be the dumbest imp in all the abyss and all that.
    Luna: What? Who?
    Tepp: It's-
    Luna: I'm not having Cocoamancer walk through that burning room.
    Tepp: He's not your employee, but I concur.
    Sendany: Do I look fireproof to you then?
    Luna: All I'm saying is I don't know how much heat Cocoamancer can handle.
    Sendany: Hint hint?
    Luna: I'm not implying anything.
    Sendany: Sure you aren't.
    DM: Look now what your environmental damage has done.
    Tepp: You call this a lesson?
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: Sendy, if you could disarm all the traps without catching fire I'm sure you can walk through the room.
    Tepp: My employees will wait in the corridor, guarded by the planetar.
    Luna: Or the planetar could go with you and-
    Tepp: NO.
    Luna: *glare*

    The party clears out the fan room.

    Tepp: So.
    Tepp: I have a feeling this fan is important. And that it's making this room cold. What if I broke it?
    DM: You can't.
    Tepp: But it could run out of energy.
    DM: Nope.
    Luna: Infinity Engine powered, duh?
    Tepp: I even brought a replacement...
    DM: You are not doing anything to this fan.
    Tepp: Grr.

    The party clears out the air library.

    Tepp: No environmental damage this time.
    DM: You can stop trying to avoid it. I should know you'll find a way to break adventures with it before long.
    Luna: Oh, what's this note?
    Sendany: If it's a letter from Cocoamancer-
    Luna: Good heavens it was in the bookshelf.
    Tepp: DIBS.
    Tepp: I steal the note from Waffles.
    Luna: *sigh*
    Luna: Well?
    Tepp: Oh wow.
    Tepp: This was not meant for mortal eyes.
    Tepp: It details a most insidious plan by Mr. Air Wizard to strike a severe blow to Mr. Poison Wizard.
    Tepp: The scope of the former's genius has not been fully appreciated before, and perhaps it never will be. Perhaps he is still alive, plotting-
    Luna: What does the fucking note say.
    Tepp: It says...
    Sendany: *drumroll*
    Luna: *handslap*
    Tepp: IT SAYS...
    Tepp: That he will render Mr. Poison Wizard's minions vulnerable...
    Tepp: BY OPENING THREE DOORS!!!!
    Luna: Really now.
    Tepp: Really now.
    Luna: Let me see it.
    Tepp: Nope.
    DM: It actually says that.
    DM: Though it also-
    Tepp: Whoa, I think we need to digest this first bit before we get carried away.

    Tepp: What say you we try his plan? Let's hit the poison library.
    Luna: I want to check on Cocoamancer first.
    Sendany: Of course you do.
    Tepp: Sendy, have you ever heard: If you love someone, let them go?
    Tepp: What's she going to do in the presence of Pistol, Ciclop-
    DM: Cyclop.
    Tepp: GODDAMNIT, and the planetar?
    Sendany: Yeah whatever.
    Sendany: Do you want to discuss someone's accent?
    Tepp: I was hoping for a piece of advice. You have the Use Any Item ability, correct?
    Sendany: Sure.
    Tepp: I know you rogues can improvise your way to any effect, as demonstrated by that ability, yet I am but a narrowminded sorcerer.
    Tepp: It is beyond me how to... for example, wrap my fingers around a hammer hilt.
    Sendany: I don't think I could possibly explain the trains of thought involved. It's like layer upon layer, tricks of the trade that you know so innately that you cannot put words on them.
    Tepp: But I implore you to try-
    DM: Suddenly, the Underdark was flooded.
    Tepp: What.
    DM: You heard me.
    Tepp: Are you for real??
    DM: I don't think I need to explain how it happened.
    Tepp: Are you for fucking real??? YOU FLOODED THE ENTIRE UNDERDARK TO KEEP US FROM GETTING CROM FAEYR?
    DM: I can't very well keep Sendany from equipping the hammer, and the intrigue has put him close to you again.
    Tepp: AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CRAZY ON THE FIRST LEVEL.
    DM: I'm sorry for being a little proactive in keeping the adventures intact.
    Tepp: Proactive. Haha. Proactive. You put how many races on the brink of extinction, if not worse, to keep us from getting one sorry belt?
    Tepp: You couldn't just have someone else go get it and disappear with it?
    Tepp: Or, hell, the demon knights are titled the children of Demogorgon. Considering where we are, surely you could have connected the plots a bit?
    DM: Then you'd argue for a way to get the belt while in here.
    Tepp: Oh I will argue for a way to get it. I will use breath potions from Abazigal's lair.
    DM: I would not dream of keeping Gorion's Ward out of Abazigal's lair.
    Tepp: Ass.
    Luna: Hahahahahahaha.
    Luna: You really flooded the Underdark to stop him.
    Luna: Hahahaha.
    Luna: I propose a contest. Everyone writes down as many Underdark-dwelling races as possible that don't need to breathe, or can breathe underwater. The longest list wins.
    Sendany: I missed you while you were gone.
    Luna: You almost sounded sincere.
    Luna: Hands off the monster manuals, people. Let's go. Two minutes starting now.

    Luna: So uh, to the poison library?
    Sendany: Ayup.
    DM: There's like lots of nasty little shits in there.
    Luna: Right.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Horsebreath? Are you going to blow them up or what?
    Tepp: I had to handle the fire library alone while you two were bickering. This one's all yours.
    Luna: Sendy and I can't deal area damage for shit. You're welcome to call in the favor against the next golem instead.
    Tepp: Pass. My planetar will handle it.
    Luna: Goodness, since when are we negotiating for each other's services anyway?
    Tepp: I might also be swayed by you keeping your grubby hands off my engineers.
    Luna: You too?
    Sendany: I think he's just upset he lost the contest.
    DM: Convincingly.
    Tepp: Shut up.
    Luna: I'm sorry Horsebreath, but despite the impressive length of your list, all items began with "The DM is a", and there's just nothing like that in the manual.
    Tepp: They did NOT all begin with that.
    Sendany: It's true, some started with "The DM is an".
    Tepp: I would like the list read aloud. I'm sure we'll all agree that there are some very fitting items on it.
    Luna: Just throw a fireball already.
    Tepp: Oh whoops, looks like I hit the party too.

    Tepp: What is this, another note?
    Luna: Oh boy.
    Tepp: BY ILMATER'S FONDNESS FOR WHIPS AND CHAINS!
    Tepp: AN UNSPEAKABLY DEVIOUS PLOT TAKES FORM.
    Tepp: I SHUDDER TO THINK THAT THE MIND THAT CONJURED IT MIGHT STILL WALK THIS WORLD.
    Tepp: IT IS-
    Luna: Get on with it.
    Tepp: Who are you to ruin my presentation?
    Luna: Luna Wafall, priestess of Selûne. I think we have met before.
    Tepp: Oh, I think I will forget that again. I am freeing up memory so that I might better use my brain to figure out how to wield a hammer. I just can't spare the intelligence to remember you.
    Luna: The brain doesn't work like that. Also, you don't need to figure out how to-
    Tepp: THANK YOU I AM WELL FUCKING AWARE.
    DM: Crybaby.
    Tepp: IT IS BUT A MEASURED RESPONSE.
    Tepp: LIKE FLOODING THE UNDERDARK TO KEEP US FROM GETTING A SORRY BELT.
    Tepp: A BELT THAT IS BY NATURE NOT EVEN UNIQUE AND COULD BE FOUND ELSEWHERE.
    DM: Then go find it elsewhere.
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: I dare not.
    Tepp: Not while Mr. Poison Wizard possibly walks this world.
    Tepp: I tell you, my friends. He perfected the concept of his rival. Three is a magic number, as any bard knows.
    Sendany: You're not a bard bro.
    Tepp: Do not interrupt.
    Tepp: Yet Mr. Poison Wizard went beyond tradition; he thought outside the box.
    Tepp: He planned to deal a crippling blow to Mr. Ice Wizard BY OPENING A FOURTH DOOR!!!!
    Sendany: And the crowd goes wild with astonishment!
    Tepp: I would expect so, yes.
    Tepp: Can you TASTE his genius?
    Tepp: I hope to one day walk in his footsteps...
    Tepp: I shall be... Tepp Resolox, Opener of Doors!
    Sendany: T R O o D. Trood.
    DM: Trudy.
    Tepp: I SAID DO NOT INTERRUPT.
    Luna: Sure Trudy. Keep talking Trudy.
    Tepp: FOR SO LONG I COVETED THE AMULET OF POWER!
    Tepp: Yet true power hung around my neck all this time. The Amulet of Metaspell Influence allows me to cast Knock an extra time.
    Sendany: Hold on hold on hold on.
    Sendany: I'm sitting here with useless skill points and you used a spell pick on Knock?
    DM: Oh, you've yet to fully appreciate the idiocy of his spell selection. If he ever were to read the other half of these notes-
    Tepp: Sendy rolls a human thief and doesn't dual class it so don't you start bashing ME.
    Tepp: Also, if you remember the first episode you might understand why I'd pick it.
    Tepp: Now... with regards to Knock.
    Tepp: It is but a measly level 2 spell, and when I try to use it against certain doors, they are warded against such a simple spell.
    Tepp: I ask you now, WHY HAS NO ONE RESEARCHED A GREATER KNOCK SPELL???
    Tepp: THERE ARE SEVEN SPELL LEVELS WHERE YOU COULD FIT IT IN. OR EVEN EIGHT.
    Tepp: KHELBEN'S LOCKING LASH OR SOMETHING HELLO.
    Tepp: DIDN'T IT BOTHER ANY WIZARD THAT-
    DM: -their phone started ringing amidst their tirades?

    Tepp: Sigh.
    Tepp: My brother is working hard on not getting his raise. One moment.
    Tepp: *leaves the table*
    Sendany: Eh?
    Luna: It means it's a company call.
    Sendany: Oh.
    Sendany: Not doing well, are they? I mean, this is a rather modest vacation.
    DM: Ha.
    Luna: For him, it's the perfect vacation.
    Sendany: To each his own, I guess.
    Luna: Mhmm.
    Sendany: If he can afford to give a raise though-
    Luna: What he can and cannot afford is not something we'll be discussing.
    Sendany: Ooookay. Accents then?

    Tepp returns, and the party clears out the poison room.

    Tepp: Dibs on looting the pool!
    Luna: Nope.
    Luna: Oh... what's this? The Poison Head?
    Tepp: *whistle*
    Luna: If three heads make the Flail of Ages +3...
    Tepp: All speculation.
    Luna: Your umber hulk prank has cost me a +4 weapon?
    Tepp: Whoa whoa.
    Tepp: The bitch DM not letting us get back into the keep, has cost you a +4 weapon.
    DM: Ahem.
    DM: You wanting to avoid getting near the Find Familiar scroll, has cost her a +4 weapon.
    Tepp: Oh okay okay I won't argue. We'll forget all about the flail lest you flood Tethyr to keep us away from the keep.
    Luna: *grin*

    The party clears out the ice room.

    Tepp: Dibsdibsdibsdibsdibsdibsdibs!
    Luna: On what?
    Tepp: I rush into the ice library to loot the note.
    Luna: NO.
    Tepp: BY... BY...!
    Sendany: By Myrkul's declaration of faith?
    Luna: Uh?
    DM: Eh?
    Tepp: You're not helping, Sendy.
    Sendany: Eh what? My parents love that song.
    Luna: What song.
    Sendany: It goes...
    Sendany: I believe in Myrkul, where you from, you sexy thing.
    Luna: Miracles, sugar Sendy, miracles. I believe in miracles.
    Sendany: ALWAYS ruining my childhood memories!
    Tepp: Your childhood memories ruined my presentation.
    Tepp: I shall make another attempt.
    Luna: Cut it short.
    Tepp: How could I possibly?
    Luna: Quite easily.
    Tepp: But the genius, the brilliance-
    Luna: Trudy.
    Tepp: I shudder to think that this mastermind-
    Luna: How many doors.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: Two.

    The party clears out the fire room.

    Tepp: Well, that's all four scepters.
    Tepp: Now let's hide them in idiotic places.
    Luna: What no.
    Luna: We want to proceed to the next level.
    Tepp: But if we hide them, nobody can proceed, and we've sort of locked the keep.
    Luna: I don't recall the demon saying it can't open the gate while imprisoned.
    Tepp: It's a demon, why trust it?
    Tepp: I just think we should... take a stroll, think about it... maybe pick up weapons of certain qualities...
    Tepp: Feels like... a good idea.
    Luna: I believe our quest too important to take a stroll.
    Luna: And what of your engineers? Are you going to pay them extra to walk around Tethyr with us?
    Tepp: Well...
    DM: It's hard not to laugh.
    Tepp: Shut up.
    Luna: It's a demon. We'll free it and kill it.
    Tepp: Whoa, LG right there. Such deceitful behavior. I cannot stand for it.
    Luna: Get bent and give me the scepters.
    Tepp: Ech...

    The party briefly battles the chromatic demon.

    Luna: Are we even scratching it?
    DM: Mildly.
    Tepp: (I just remembered Horrid Wilting is supposed to work, jerk.)
    DM: (I never allow it to work here. Find another way out of this mess.)
    Luna: Ugh, why is nothing working?
    DM: The demon shifts into its normal form.
    Tepp: Fire again? Oh come on.
    Luna: Is this a case of using the opposite element? Hit it with an ice spell.
    Tepp: Eh...
    Tepp: A little short on those.
    Luna: Mmm. Hopefully it will shift again.
    DM: It is now an air elemental.
    Luna: Air, air... earth? But there's no such thing...
    Luna: Err, poison? If we consider the four wizards here.
    Tepp: Air versus poison, are you for real?
    Luna: Doesn't sound right, no.
    Tepp: Then again, if Sendany were an assassin rather than a plain useless thief, we might know.
    DM: The demon is now a shambling mound, again.
    Luna: I guess this is the poison form, then. Hit it with a lightning spell and see what happens.
    Tepp: Eh... surely there's something we haven't thought of. I don't want to throw spells randomly.
    Luna: You want to try healing this mess?! Either you hit it or we make a run for it.
    Tepp: We're not running. It will tear my engineers apart.
    Tepp: But, I... am rather low on lightning spells.
    Luna: Stop stop stop stop stop.
    DM: Hahahaha.
    Luna: You didn't actually fill your spellbook with fire spells, DID YOU?
    Tepp: No.
    Luna: But you DID take every fire spell you could get.
    Tepp: One per level was enough.
    Luna: And, despite your intimate knowledge of these adventures... as evidenced by the scene you made with the fireplace upstairs, which no doubt is the reason you made sure to take all these fire spells, you did not foresee needing other elements for this encounter?
    Tepp: The flail would work against three of his forms, so let's place blame where it's due. And let's not forget Horrid Wilting is supposed to work just fi-
    Luna: YOUR ENTIRE SPELL LIST DEVOTED TO MAKING A STATEMENT AGAINST HELMITE KITCHENS.
    Sendany: #dedication
    Tepp: It's not my fault the bitch DM won't put the demon in its ice form like ever.

    Fifteen turns later...

    DM: The demon enters its fire form.
    Tepp: OH COME ON.
    Tepp: That's TWENTYTWO transformations without ever entering ice form. I'm not going to lose my engineers to this bullshit. Waffles, Cocoamancer is in danger here, help me out.
    Luna: Pistol and Ciclop can take the beating for him.
    DM: Cyclop.
    Tepp: I need all three!
    Luna: I don't.
    Tepp: So lawful good the Purifier is aching for your hands.
    DM: Alas, if only you had prepared for this eventuality.
    Luna: IF ONLY.
    Tepp: Eventuality.
    Tepp: We're talking a probability of... like 0.2%.
    Luna: Hmf.
    Luna: He has a point.
    DM: Hey, still in the realm of possibility.
    Luna: But not in the realm of plausibility.
    DM: Uh... well...
    DM: Maybe the demon scried you on the first level and figured this would be smart?
    Luna: Why are the rolls hidden if this is deliberate?
    DM: ...
    DM: Don't want to show you my threesided die?
    Luna: That's it. Harm.
    DM: Miss.
    Luna: Harm.
    DM: Miss.
    Luna: HARM.
    DM: MISS.
    Luna: Harm.
    DM: Hit.
    Tepp: Ring of the Ram.
    DM: Fine, you win.
    Tepp: Oh, so now energy works?
    DM: Actually-
    Tepp: Nononononevermind!
    DM: Thought so.
    Tepp: Well.
    Tepp: Waffles, mine clearly isn't the only spellbook full of questionable choices. Four Harm memos?
    Luna: I'll fix mine the next time we rest. How about yours?

    Tepp: Okay.
    Tepp: My engineers will mount the fan in the poison library, facing the poison room.
    Luna: WHAT.
    Luna: I helped you out and you would see me parted from Cocoamancer?!
    Sendany: High five-
    Luna: No high fiving.
    Tepp: From a character perspective-
    Luna: You are NEVER in character.
    Tepp: There was this time-
    DM: Leave it be.
    DM: Let him mount his useless fan. He needs 25 strength to operate the heat pump anyway.
    DM: Only by your aid or declaring himself the Bhaalspawn will that happen.
    Luna: Fine.
    Luna: You will pay for this, Horsebreath.
    Tepp: I'm not planning to get them killed. You can ERP with Cocoamancer when his job is done.
    Luna: You will pay.
    Tepp: Bring it on, then. See if your spite can trump the revenge I have in store for our dear DM.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    JuliusBorisovNonnahswriterMetallomanCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    We do have names!

    The forum wouldn't let me put this episode in a single post because it was too long, so make sure to read both halves.

    DM: You emerge from the portal into a room with seemingly four exits, each being a portal. There is a compass etched into the floor. Ahead of you, a raving elf calling himself Yakman - in third person - accuses you of being disguised demons and runs through the southern portal.
    Tepp: I know the portal order here-
    Luna: I don't care, we're following the elf.
    Tepp: *subtle smirk*
    DM: You follow the mad elf through the portal. It leads you to a room with just one portal. Yakman is still raving, but does not seem to acknowledge your presence.
    Tepp: Sendy, check for traps and loot if he doesn't care.
    Luna: Or maybe don't.
    Sendany: Or maybe I will! Gloves anyone?
    Luna: HMF.
    Tepp: Gloves sounds like fun.
    DM: You can't wear them. They're for bards only.
    Sendany: Allow me to demonstrate Use Any Item!
    Tepp: Oh, so the thumb goes in the thumb hole... how could I be so dumb? Wait, what did you do with your pinky?
    DM: Will you shut up about Use Any Item?
    Tepp: Is there anything else?
    Sendany: Er, a poem. With directions perhaps.
    Tepp: Cool. I wonder how much experience he's worth.
    Luna: No.
    Tepp: I'm just putting him out of his misery, it's quite humane.
    Luna: I'm going to heal him.
    Tepp: My apologies. I didn't know you used level six slots on spells fitting your alignment.
    Luna: Yakman is healed.

    DM: Yakman explains his real name is Tamorlin, and-
    Tepp: Tamorlyn.
    DM: It says Tamorlin.
    Tepp: Screw your lame names, he's Tamorlyn.
    DM: Tamorlin.
    Tepp: You were a bitch about Ciclop.
    DM: Cycl... WHATEVER. Tamorlyn. He then says-
    Tepp: OKAY!
    Tepp: Now I want to know where his song of love is.
    DM: Uh?
    Tepp: Tamorlyn's Lost Song of Love. For Sharwyn's quest.
    DM: ...wrong campaign.
    Tepp: SAME WORLD.
    DM: It's not the same Tamorlyn.
    Tepp: Oh, it's not the same elven bard with the same name?
    DM: Who said he's a bard?
    Tepp: Gee, the Bard's Gloves? The poem?
    DM: ...
    DM: Well he doesn't have it.
    Tepp: But he should remember it.
    DM: He doesn't remember anything.
    Tepp: He was about to say that some annoying halfling was calling him Yakman.
    DM: ...
    DM: What are you going to do with it?!
    Tepp: Impress Sharwyn, duh?
    DM: From whence came this sudden desire for creatures with flesh, organs and limbs?
    Sendany: And a clean criminal record.
    Tepp: My love for Kangaxx was ridiculed for its controversiality.
    DM: Your love was ridiculed, and one-sided.
    Tepp: But Sharwyn. She's a smoking hot redhead. There can be no more socially acceptable romantic endeavor.
    Tepp: I intend to SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET by already having this song when she asks for it.
    DM: Your character will never meet Sharwyn.
    Tepp: NUH UH. The loading screens say we can import our BG2 characters into NWN.
    DM: THIS IS PNP FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
    Tepp: WELL I CAN STILL GO THERE AFTER THIS CAMPAIGN.
    Tepp: GIVE ME THE SONG.
    DM: FINE.

    Tepp: We pick up the scepter, exit the room and take the eastern portal.
    DM: This room too is a crossing of portals. In the center, a Blood War skirmish is ensuing.
    Tepp: Planetar!
    Sendany: We should really get a fighter.
    Tepp: Maybe we will...
    Tepp: Then again, you should really have rolled a swashbuckler.
    Sendany: Pff.
    DM: I take it you're taking the usual can't-be-bothered-to-lower-resistance-so-Planetar-does-it-all approach to this battle?
    Tepp: You know, there are five spell levels where someone could have researched a mass lower resistance spell too.
    Tepp: I'm a sorcerer anyway, why am I so restricted? Spells are an expression of my power.
    DM: I will not let you invent your own spells.
    Tepp: Pff.
    Tepp: I shall prev-
    Tepp: I shall prevail.
    Tepp: I shall prevail!
    Tepp: I shall prev-
    Tepp: I SHALL prevail.
    Tepp: I shall-
    Luna: SHUT UP.
    DM: The Planetar has won.
    Tepp: It prevailed!
    Tepp: Now what.
    Luna: Is there anything else in the room?
    Sendany: (If only we were so meticulous about searching rooms when the author knows they're empty...)
    Tepp: (That would get so annoying to read.)
    Tepp: Ahem.
    Tepp: Tab key down.
    DM: PEN. AND. PAPER.
    Tepp: Give me a break.
    DM: There's a pillar in the center.
    Luna: I inspect it.

    DM: There is an inscription upon the pillar. It reads: With my last breath, I place my greatest prize forever beyond the reach of the evil all around me.
    Luna: Huh.
    Tepp: I wanna touch the pillar.
    Luna: No.
    Sendany: I wanna-
    Luna: No!
    Tepp: Touchy touchy.
    DM: Nothing happens.
    Sendany: Touchy touchy touchy.
    DM: Nothing happens, still.
    Luna: Obviously not when those two are at least halfway to evil.
    Luna: I place my hand on the pillar.
    DM: Nothing happens.
    Luna: Eh.
    Luna: I guess some bored moron carved a misleading inscription to confuse us.
    Tepp: Hehehehehe.
    Luna: What?
    Tepp: Nothing!
    Luna: What's supposed to happen?
    Tepp: Something.
    Tepp: If an LG character touches it.
    Luna: Obviously not.
    DM: *shifts uncomfortably*
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Did you change my alignment??
    DM: In fairness to myself, you don't act your alignment.
    Luna: What the fuck.
    Luna: I'm the blinding ray of justice here.
    DM: Alignments are absolute. The pillar isn't happy just because you're the most good character in the party.
    Sendany: Oh no, the pillar isn't happy.
    Luna: You can't just change it and not tell me!
    DM: It was a tacit agreement.
    Luna: IT WAS A TACIT AGREEMENT.
    Luna: I admit Luna may have been a little too willing to compromise in the first campaign, but here? She's hardcore LG now.
    Tepp: DINGDINGDING that has to be the first purely out-of-character line.
    Luna: I'm pretty sure we should DINGDINGDING every time you open your rank-with-equine-diet mouth, then.
    DM: Word.
    DM: And your "hardcore LG" character was willing to sacrifice Pistol and Ciclop just to spite Tepp.
    Luna: I wasn't serious.
    DM: You don't lie as LG.
    Luna: Are you for real??
    Tepp: Seriously.
    Tepp: I'm not sure what's worse, the motivation for changing her alignment or the fact that she's fighting to get a weapon she can't wield anyway.
    Luna: Bah.
    Luna: I'm LG and that's final, you can keep whatever's in there.
    Tepp: Maybe Sendy could teach you Use Any Item.
    Luna: Oh I wouldn't go there, maybe the dungeon will get flooded if we explore that path.
    Tepp: Hehehehe.
    DM: *sigh*

    Tepp: Right, which exit now?
    Sendany: The eastern one, if I understand the poem right.
    Tepp: Right right, the eastern one.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: Which way is east?
    Tepp: There's no compass on this floor.
    DM: The perspective should tell you-
    Tepp: Tell us what?
    Tepp: Pen. And. Paper.
    DM: Shut up.
    DM: Use your own compass.
    Tepp: We have a compass?
    DM: You do.
    Tepp: Isn't that advanced technology?
    DM: It's a magnetized needle in a water-filled petri dish with a lid on it.
    DM: Which part sounded like quantum rocket surgery?
    Tepp: Waffles, are compasses primitive tech?
    Luna: It's basic enough.
    Tepp: Okay just checking.
    Tepp: So we can be assumed to be possessing simple tools that are generally useful to adventurers.
    DM: Exactly.
    Tepp: Like a tinderbox.
    DM: Oh for heaven's sake.
    Luna: HAHAHAHAHA!
    Sendany: No mercy.
    DM: Will you ever shut up about the tinderbox?
    Tepp: Did we ever have one?
    Tepp: What if we left it in say, the Underdark? Maybe you'll flood it to keep us from getting it? OH WAIT!
    DM: You're welcome to shut up about that too.
    Luna: If we have a compass, then we have a tinderbox too.
    DM: Maybe I'll change your deity to Gond-
    Luna: Maybe you won't.
    DM: FINE.
    DM: You now have a tinderbox. Knock yourselves out.
    Tepp: And east we go!

    DM: You enter a room full of demons. One of them-
    Tepp: FIREBALL!
    DM: ...
    DM: It did no damage.
    DM: What were you trying to accomplish?
    Tepp: To start combat before the conversation started. And I succeeded. Horrid Wilting would have been too slow.
    DM: To what end?
    Tepp: So we won't have a far larger alignment discussion to determine whether or not this idiot will ask us to side with him.
    DM: *sigh*
    DM: I'm not gonna bother mentioning that "the game isn't paused" during dialogue in PnP.
    Sendany: Clearly you weren't.
    DM: Have your fight.

    DM: That's two rooms of demons wiped out. Narrowly, I should say. And the poem is damaged.
    Tepp: Because that room had to be a dead magic room. You couldn't just change it to make it less messed up for our party.
    DM: I'd be spoiling your playground if I made such changes.
    Tepp: Whatever, let's continue.
    Sendany: The next two lines are missing...
    Tepp: I remember which way to go.
    DM: No you don't.
    Tepp: Well Sendany gave his thief int like this were third edition. He should remember.
    Tepp: Also, he should dual class to mage.
    Sendany: At this level? Sheesh.
    Tepp: Won't be more fun if you wait another.
    DM: Point conceded. Sendany remembers the next line at least.
    DM: Which is, south.
    Luna: South it is.

    DM: You are greeted by a succubus and her retinue of alu-fiends.
    DM: She believes you are lost, and is willing to lead you to the exit.
    Luna: How serendipitous.
    DM: All she asks in exchange is a kiss.
    Luna: Horsebreath, why aren't we killing them?
    Sendany: It doesn't sound too prudent.
    Luna: Why not?
    Sendany: I'm not sure how well I remember the next line...
    Luna: I trust your memory a hundred times more than I trust a succubus.
    Sendany: Ah, I wish I could say the same.
    Luna: Sendy.
    Sendany: Lend me your necklace, will you? I don't want to get energy drained.
    Luna: SENDY.
    Sendany: Alright, a Restoration spell then.
    Luna: YOU ARE NOT KISSING THE SUCCUBUS!
    Sendany: Sheesh, what's the worst that could happen?
    Luna: HOW ABOUT ENRAGING YOUR HEALER.
    Sendany: I didn't know Luna Wafall cared so much whom Sendany Mayocomb did or didn't kiss.
    Luna: STOP IT.
    Sendany: Do our characters also have a relationship?
    Luna: ENOUGH, SENDY! I MEAN IT!
    Sendany: Try not to get OOC-jealous of a fictional character, will you?
    Luna: THAT DOES IT!
    Sendany: Oh help, the plastic figurine is stealing my boyfriend!
    Luna: YOU ASSHOLE!

    Luna leaps out of Sendany's lap, pushes him and then takes the spare seat.

    DM: Hey don't steal my DM castle-
    Luna: MINE.
    Tepp: *gasp*
    DM: You're not the DM and you're making a mess of things!
    Luna: IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ANDY'S ROTTEN FACE ANOTHER SECOND I WILL MAKE A MESS OF THAT INSTEAD.
    DM: MY castle.
    DM: *reclaims the castle*

    Luna throws her dice at Sendany.

    Sendany: Hmm, which action required all those rolls?
    Luna: MAYBE ACTUALLY PAYING FOR A GIRL'S DRINK WHEN YOU OFFER TO BUY HER ONE. CLEARLY AN EPIC CHALLENGE.
    Sendany: I paid for the first five drinks.
    Luna: BUT THEY WERE THE WRONG ONES.
    Sendany: Neither I nor the bartender had heard of a Piña Chocolada.
    Luna: IMPROVISE.
    Sendany: He did. Six times.
    Luna: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
    Luna: *fuming*
    Luna: I bet Cocoamancer could get that drink right.
    Sendany: I bet... hmm...
    Luna: I'm glad you're taking her up on her offer; CLEARLY your int score is a misrepresentation.
    Sendany: I bet Sally here doesn't need to be reminded to use her tongue when kissing.
    Luna: You named it Sally...
    Luna: I bet Cocoamancer actually wakes up in time to serve his girlfriend the breakfast she was promised before say, noon.
    Sendany: I bet Sally wouldn't rearrange her boyfriend's furniture after three days together.
    Luna: Oh yeah? I bet Cocoamancer doesn't need to strike a "perfect balance" between "drunk enough to dare to dance" and "sober enough to be able to dance".
    Sendany: I bet Sally wouldn't make anyone wait three hours outside a museum "in case they open earlier".
    Luna: THEY DID OPEN EARLIER!
    Sendany: Yeah, eight minutes earlier.
    Luna: I BET COCOAMANCER WOULDN'T ARRIVE LATE FOR A DATE TO WAX HIS CAR.
    Sendany: On that we can agree.
    Luna: GAH.
    DM: I'm sorry, there's a campaign here-
    Luna: HE STARTED IT.
    DM: If you'll permit my opinion, I'm pretty sure you started it two levels ago.
    Luna: I NEVER ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING WITH COCOAMANCER.
    Sendany: Oh yeah? What were you doing when the Underdark got flooded, hmm?
    Luna: ...
    Luna: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    JuliusBorisovNonnahswriterMetallomanCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    (continued)

    Luna: LISTEN HERE BRATS.
    Luna: THE UNDERDARK. IS. HUGE.
    Luna: AND THAT MEASLY HOLE IN THE SAHUAGIN CITY---
    Luna: LIKE. IT IS STILL BEING FLOODED IF ANYONE HERE CARES ABOUT THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
    Luna: SO, WHAT WAS I DOING WHEN IT GOT FLOODED? WELL, I WAS WATCHING MY BOYFRIEND KISS A DEMONESS SLUT RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
    DM: In fairness, they haven't kissed yet.
    Luna: Grrr.
    Luna: They may as well now.
    Luna: The damage is done.
    Luna: Well, Andy? Aren't you going to claim your prize?
    Sendany: Oh, this is such a moment. I cannot simply rush into it.
    Luna: Do not let me interrupt.
    Sendany: Interrupt further, you mean.
    Luna: Come on, wuss. There's your exotic woman. I'm sure she'll let you do more than kiss if you're so willing anyway.
    Sendany: I should be totally starved for such fruit, as our characters are clearly engaged in a strictly platonic relationship.
    Luna: Much talking, little kissing. The usual deal with your lips.
    Sendany: Salut, Sally. It sounds so poetic in French.
    Luna: KISS HER SO THE CAMPAIGN CAN CONTINUE.
    Tepp: Fireball.

    Luna: YOU!
    Luna: You don't! You don't!
    DM: Pick up your dice. Combat is on.
    Luna: It's NOT on.
    DM: Tepp just rejected the succubus' offer on behalf of everyone.
    Luna: Hnnnnnnnng.
    Luna: I wonder which portal will take me back to level two.
    Luna: You can fight. I head west.
    DM: You must gather your party before vent-

    Luna barrages the DM with some choice ammunition.

    Luna: PEN. PAPER.
    DM: Don't crumple your character sheet.
    Sendany: Also, it's a pencil.
    Luna: SHUT UP. I head west. W-E-S-T.
    DM: PnP or not, I'm not letting you leave them behind like that.
    Luna: Then I'll just leave the party! Ha.
    Tepp: *blink*
    Tepp: Whoa whoa.
    Tepp: You don't actually need to gather the party.
    DM: I say you do.
    Luna: Yep. So I'm out.
    Tepp: No no no no no no no.
    Tepp: Please please stay.
    Luna: Never seen you care before.
    Luna: I head west and nobody stops me this time.
    Tepp: I intercept Luna.
    Luna: Out. Of. My. Way.
    Tepp: Still in the party.
    Luna: What difference does that make to you?
    Tepp: Please please please please stay.
    Tepp: Sandra.
    Tepp: Be professional here, as the foremost roleplayer among us-
    DM: *cough*
    Tepp: -and don't let Andy get to you. Luna has no reason to be this upset.
    Luna: Maybe Luna is worried about Cocoamancer.
    Tepp: He's fine, I promise.
    Luna: I'm not convinced.
    Luna: If I have to leave the party-
    Tepp: Nonononononononono!
    Tepp: I really need you to stay.
    Luna: This is about a prank. It's not appreciation of my presence.
    DM: Not even a new prank...
    Tepp: Stayyyy.
    Luna: No. I'm out.
    Tepp: NONONONONO.
    Tepp: Stay.

    Tepp slides a chocolate bar over to Luna.

    Tepp: Stay. Stay stay stay.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: But my character cannot be swayed by what happens to me.
    DM: Evidently. It's not like the default state for all three of you is putting your own minds in your characters' bodies.
    Luna: I do that the least THANK YOU.
    Luna: With that being said, it would be unprofessional for Luna to change on account of myself being bribed.
    Tepp: Might another bar help you forget about that?
    Luna: Hmm.
    Luna: It is within the realm of possibility. And plausibility.

    Tepp slides another bar over.

    Sendany: Is Sandra playing the same game as we are? See, I have some dice, a character sheet, a pencil and an eraser. She has two chocolate bars.
    Luna: And my "Tinderbox".
    Luna: *flaunts her phone*
    Luna: Peter. Pick my stuff up. And copy my stats over to a new sheet. Make your best imitation of my handwriting.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: The things I do for pranks.
    DM: So how many paragraphs is this stupid room gonna span?
    Tepp: Oh yeah, Planetar and all that.

    DM: Before we proceed.
    DM: You realize it's all weird now that the readers know your names, and that YOU know them, yet you have been referring to each other by your character names all this time, like this were an MMO or something.
    DM: We should retcon all this and at the very least put your real names in place of your character names whenever OOC, and adjust the script to make sense, and of course be more mindful of this in the future.
    DM: All in fav-

    ZAP!

    *stunned silence*

    DM: ...whoa.
    DM: Lightning struck my DM castle. How the...?
    Tepp: Clearly it was a bad idea, mister David Marley.
    Sendany: Oh I get it, it's funny because the DM's name makes sense either way.
    DM: Not when you call me "the" DM, dumbass. Let's drop the topic... maybe this ominous dark cloud above my DM castle will disperse then.
    Luna: Let's NOT drop the topic until the author explains how the cardboard castle didn't catch fire, let alone-
    Tepp: OW!
    Tepp: Shielded your chocolate bars from another bolt...
    Tepp: Now let's continue.

    Sendany: It seems I recalled the poem correctly again.
    Luna: He leads us into a room full of demons and assumes he got it right because of that.
    DM: Devils.
    Luna: See any prospective girlfriends?
    Sendany: I bet their claws are more pleasant against the skin than your cold, scaly-
    Luna: And despite their anatomy, their table manners should still be better than yours.
    DM: So I think the devil leader wishes to speak.
    DM: He rhymes a lot, ultimately expressing his gratitude for you bringing him the heart, yet-
    Luna: How sweet Sendy, you gave him a heart. Even if it wasn't your own. Want us to look away?
    Sendany: Sure you don't want to trade your soul for a chocolate bar?
    DM: YET he is puzzled that the defeat of their mortal enemies didn't help.
    Luna: Aw look Sendy, it seems it wasn't good enough. You'll just have to present your own.
    Luna: Just warn him his girlfriend might be very disappointed if he replaces his own with your weak lump of flesh, having you fall asleep during cuddletime like a rampant narcoleptic, like a-
    DM: Did not need to know.
    Sendany: You snore like a chainsaw with hiccups. I need to make sure I fall asleep first.
    Luna: I do not snore.
    Sendany: Do too.
    Luna: Do NOT.
    Sendany: Do too.
    Luna: DO NOT.
    Tepp: Do too.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: *points at a random portal*
    Sendany: (Random. Out of two.)
    Luna: Behave. Yourself.
    Tepp: ...sorry.
    Tepp: Anyway... I wish to speak to the demon.
    Tepp: Would you like to add to hoard, a piece of sacred silver sword?
    DM: Uh? You're just going to offer it treasure?
    Tepp: Yes.
    DM: It accepts-
    Tepp: Ahem. I want to hear the response.
    DM: Sigh.
    DM: I accept this gift of blade of silver...
    DM: Saves me trouble of needing pilfer.
    Tepp: That does NOT rhyme.
    DM: Short notice, jackass.
    Tepp: Try again, just the second half.
    DM: ...
    DM: I'm not pausing the adventure for this.
    Sendany: Wait wait.
    Sendany: I will part as well with loot, here good friend, a citrus fruit!
    DM: ...
    DM: I have no use for your orange...
    DM: I will throw it in this trench.
    Tepp: Does NOT rhyme!
    Sendany: Hahaha, indeed it doesn't!
    Luna: Right back to the pranks, eh Sendy?
    DM: Whatever the fuck, the demon is angry now.
    Tepp: Devil.
    DM: Angrier.

    Tepp: *clears throat*

    With Sendany and Luna on countless instances
    Giving voice to pains and grievances
    Each insisting the other were dafter
    We fought through a bunch of rooms thereafter

    By the time we were asked to play with the deck
    I had to keep these infants in constant check


    DM: *interrupts*
    DM: Your verse sucks.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: At least we didn't have to describe those meaningless battles.
    Sendany: You're still not a bard bro.
    Luna: At least he is creative enough to have aspirations not derived from his class description.
    Luna: I'm sorry, those were probably too big words.
    Luna: Oh damn, again. Probably means, likely. Two syllables.
    Luna: Syll-a-bles.
    Tepp: Truly shit has hit the fan for you to defend me.
    Tepp: And my fan isn't even on this floor.
    DM: That joke was a critical miss.
    Tepp: So like let's continue with the plot.
    Luna: Hmf.
    DM: Which of you will play?
    Tepp: I will. However long it takes, I will.
    Luna: *munches on chocolate*
    Luna: Sure, saves me having to deal with the cambion.
    Sendany: I wonder if I can pickpocket him.
    Tepp: Don't.
    Luna: Oh, he'll do anything he's told not to do.
    Sendany: I wonder how many times I protested against your moments with Cocoamancer.
    Luna: You might not have kept track, but I did. I'll tell you whenever you're ready to use both hands to count.
    Sendany: That's rich, considering-
    Tepp: I WAGER THE WAY OUT.
    Sendany: Hmf.
    DM: What would you like to play for?
    Tepp: His motherfucking gem.
    DM: *scribble*
    (Whoa, no excitement here. Just straight for the gem.)
    Tepp: *scribble*
    (Look, I have the scepter. I have the other two gems. The other two have every incitement to act like children right now. I do not want one of them to get it.)

    Luna: Are you passing notes?
    Luna: What happened to whispering?
    DM: Um...
    DM: I sense... that the author has never actually played PnP but he watched something recently that made him believe that this is perhaps the way things are more commonly done.
    Tepp: Also, we've used up all the whisper jokes anyway.
    Luna: Oh, not at all. Whispering in the dark is a romantic act whose merits are-
    Tepp: *throws his dice*
    DM: I'm not counting rolls that are off the table.
    Tepp: *picks them up and rolls again*
    DM: Err... Strife.
    DM: You are slowed.
    Tepp: Goodness no!
    Tepp: Please tell me how the cambion considers the genasi a genius.
    Tepp: I cast Haste and it's gone.
    DM: Yeah yeah.
    DM: Aesgareth draws a card...
    Tepp: Please Construct, please Construct, please Construct.
    Tepp: Don't hide the fucking roll.
    DM: Shut up.
    DM: He draws Triumph.
    Tepp: *groan*
    Luna: You just lost us everything? Seriously?
    Tepp: No I didn't.
    Luna: I'm sure Strife beats Triumph. Yeah.
    Sendany: The mathematician among us is clearly suggesting he somehow would have fared better if he had saved the only meaningful wager for later.
    Luna: Wow, I'm sorry you're so out of character that you wouldn't even consider not playing this by the rules.
    Sendany: I'm sorry you're so out of character that your LG toon is up for cheating.
    DM: Aesgareth dispatches some lowly knights.
    DM: You won the draw.
    Luna: Bullshit.
    Luna: Show me the rules.
    Luna: *reads*
    Luna: Huh.
    Sendany: Really now?
    Sendany: So the last gem is ours?
    Luna: Why did you want him to draw Construct? You would have lost.

    Tepp: BECAUSE.
    Tepp: If we lost, he would have let us out anyway.
    Tepp: But now.
    DM: Now he's going to be a sore loser and attack you.
    Tepp: And you two are a pain in the ass with your jives in every conversation, but as every reader would know if I hadn't chosen to summarize the last few rooms with a poem.
    Tepp: You start a new leg of Childishness Olympics WHENEVER COMBAT IS ON.
    Luna: Cause Light Wounds.
    Sendany: Evasion.
    Tepp: Case in fucking point.
    Tepp: Planetar and a heartfelt prayer to Tymora.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    JuliusBorisovNonnahswriterMetallomanCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    The power of poetry

    Two-parter again.

    DM: As you enter the fourth level, and hopefully stop trying to get each other killed-
    Tepp: STOP IT.
    Tepp: POWER WORD PEACE.
    Luna: *grumble*
    Sendany: Hmf.
    DM: Ahem.
    DM: A man within a large, strange contraption is watching illithid and githyanki fight, manically enjoying the show, and even throwing spells into the fray, seemingly at random.
    DM: He then gets bored and disperses the combatants by summoning a demon.
    DM: You walk up to him, and he's at first a little confused as you're not extraplanar creatures, but then he realizes you're adventurers.
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: Is he the Imprisoned One?
    DM: No, he's not.
    DM: He is Carston the Magnificent...
    DM: Emperor of the Elevation!!
    Tepp: ...
    Luna: That's a title so dumb even Andy couldn't have thought of it.
    Sendany: Still, it's not beyond YOUR intellect.
    Luna: If-
    Tepp: HIS TITLE, is Lord of the Lev-
    DM: I'm afraid you were about to recite *my* title.
    DM: This here is Carston the Magnificent.
    DM: Sire of the Stage.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: How did he get stuck behind the glass?
    DM: By accident. But he likes it in there. He's...
    DM: Er, immortal.
    Tepp: Unlike the Lord of the-
    DM: Don't wear it out.
    Luna: If we find a way to get him out, could we put Sendany in there and then get rid of the means of escape?
    Sendany: I had a similar thought.
    Luna: Of course you did.
    DM: Carston is tired of you. He summons illithid to attack you.
    Sendany: Hide.
    Luna: Sanctuary.
    Tepp: Here we fucking go again.

    As the last mind flayer falls, someone rings the doorbell. The DM lets the visitor in.

    Peter: Well hey, Snackbringer.
    Sandra: Hey JJ.
    Andy: Heya.
    Johnny: Hey. Am I interrupting?
    Peter: Not at all. Though we might not be able to fit you in right now.
    Johnny: It's okay.
    Peter: Hmm...
    Sandra: Yeah no, don't give me that look. I didn't tell him there was a spare seat.
    David: (Because there are no more chairs in this house or anything...)
    Johnny: Was I late?
    Peter: No, let's call it...
    Peter: ...party dynamics.
    Peter: Also, the character we had in mind for you has been left behind.
    Johnny: Aww.
    Peter: We'll get you in for the next campaign if not sooner.
    Peter: In the meantime, cook us something.
    Johnny: Well, sure.
    Peter: I'll do my best to speed this up.
    Johnny: Don't rush for my sake.
    Johnny: *walks upstairs to cook*
    Sandra: JJ can cook?
    Peter: Eh.
    Peter: I'm not sure. He can be told to cook.
    Peter: Let's hope Amy's skills have rubbed off on him by now.
    David: Let's continue. This use of our real names is actually weird.
    Peter: Can you imagine how this paragraph would have looked otherwise? Considering JJ doesn't have a character yet.
    Peter: Also, I'm sensing the author is considering swapping between player and character names depending on how in-character we are, for the next campaign, and this is an experiment towards that goal.
    Sandra: "Next campaign"?
    Sandra: I'm not sure I'll be here the next HOUR.
    Peter: You'll miss dinner.
    Sandra: I'm not hungry.
    Andy: Because you stuffed yourself with chocolate.
    Sandra: Maybe the next half hour...

    DM: I'm not here to make any decisions for you...
    Tepp: But we need to rest.
    DM: It would seem so.
    DM: And it's gonna be a long rest too.
    Tepp: Uh?
    DM: Luna has no healing spells memorized.
    Luna: Hmf.
    Tepp: Of course she doesn't.
    Luna: I'd also like to state for the record that I possess the only regenerative item.
    Sendany: I'd like to state for the record that I can pick pockets.
    Luna: I'd like to state for the record that I'm wearing it.
    Sendany: I'd like to state-
    Tepp: I'd like to state, for the record, that this is what I truly fear about resting: You two fighting while I'm asleep.
    DM: While we're at it, I'd like to state for the record that none of you have an alignment that would keep you from getting CLW as a Bhaalspawn power. A stated alignment, anyway...
    DM: So you just rest, and-
    Tepp: And if we're all healed at the end, you'll have ruled out Luna as the Bhaalspawn, because she wouldn't heal Sendany. Nice try.
    DM: Thank you. I thought so too.
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: I can handle the missing health. I know how to play things safe if I have to.
    Tepp: Can you two promise not to fuck around while we rest? Pretty motherfucking please?
    Luna: Hmf.
    Luna: Fine... each hit point missing from Sendany's total shall constitute a sweet dream.
    Sendany: I will not promise not to brood and plot.
    Tepp: Great. Let's rest.
    DM: You have rested for eight hours but not healed.
    Sendany: I should get one hit point healed!
    DM: You spent too much time brooding and plotting instead of actually resting, so no.
    Luna: Ha-ha.
    Sendany: I'm a talented brooder-
    Luna: You're a talented asshole.
    Sendany: You're a talented-
    Tepp: Planetar.
    Sendany: Luna is a talented Planetar?
    Tepp: The Planetar heals me and Sendy.
    Sendany: Hehehe.
    Sendany: No healing monopoly, eh?
    Luna: Fuck you both.
    Luna: Don't expect me to promise anything the next time you need to rest, Horsebreath.

    DM: You enter the githyanki encampment, and a cold welcome is yours.
    Luna: Cause Serious Wounds.
    Sendany: Evasion.
    Tepp: Seriously...
    Tepp: My Planetar and I fight the githyanki.
    Luna: Free Action.
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: Obviously right before I land a CF stun.
    Luna: Ha-ha.
    Tepp: Stop it.
    Sendany: It's no fucking fair that she can see me when I hide.
    Sendany: Perhaps I should-
    Tepp: NO.
    Tepp: There's githyanki here to take out your aggressions on. Both of you. Go nuts.
    Sendany: Shouldn't my cloak reflect her touch spells?
    Luna: Why don't you stop dodging and we'll try?
    Luna: Cause Serious Wounds.
    Sendany: OW!
    Tepp: I'm not sure that's how it works...
    Tepp: Fuck it, I'm not arbitrating your fight.
    Sendany: If I break her line of sight, she shouldn't be able to see me when I hide.
    Sendany: Oh whoops, the next room wasn't empty.
    Tepp: Oh fucking whoops.
    Luna: Harm.
    Luna: Come back here...
    Sendany: Err...
    Sendany: Evasion again.
    Luna: Brat.
    Tepp: Wanna help me with the githyanki? Pretty please?
    Luna: I'm not listening to "pretty please" again.
    Sendany: Listen to my Celestial Fury then.
    Luna: Oh wow, I got the nerdchills there. 11 damage. Well done.
    Tepp: STOP FIGHTING EACH OTHER.
    Luna: Can I dispel Evasion?
    DM: Err-
    Luna: Dispel Magic.
    Tepp: Oh really oh really oh really.
    DM: No, you cannot dispel Evasion.
    DM: But you did dispel yourself and Tepp and the githyanki.
    Sendany: Ohh, no more Free Action eh?
    Luna: Because the stun is so likely to happen.
    Sendany: Why are you running then?
    Tepp: I would like to throw some Fireballs without hitting either of you, you know.
    Luna: Then aim them well, jackass.
    Sendany: Someone's cornered.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: But you can't hit me as long as I run, because you have so few attacks per round that the first animation is for a cosmetic one that still stops you and-
    DM: HEY!
    DM: I won't have any of that out of YOU.
    DM: Sendany hits and stuns.
    Luna: REALLY?
    Tepp: REALLY?
    Tepp: Maze on Sendany.
    Sendany: Really?
    Tepp: Yes, I'm so serious about stopping you two that I'll pass on-
    Sendany: Everyone knows that song by now.
    DM: Really?
    DM: *checks spell list*
    DM: No, not really. That was a scroll.
    Tepp: Still used my round on it. Shut up.

    Tepp: Vocalize.
    Luna: Is your Planetar going to heal me?
    Tepp: Is that going to make you stop fighting?
    Luna: No.
    Tepp: Indeed, no. You sit there in your stun.
    Sendany: Ahh, all the mockery of my int score. I'll be out of this maze in no time.
    Luna: Gee, how much of a brain do you need to follow one side until you get out?
    DM: The labyrinth shifts.
    Luna: Whatever.
    Tepp: Spell Immunity: Abjuration.
    DM: Interesting...
    Tepp: Ahh, you only think you know why.
    Tepp: So I battle the githyanki while the troublemakers are unable to interfere.
    DM: Sendany finds his way out just as the stun on Luna ends.
    Tepp: Naturally.
    Luna: Hey asshole, why don't you try to chase me down again?
    Luna: I run into the next room.
    Tepp: No you motherfucking don't.
    Luna: Already did.
    Sendany: I give chase.
    Tepp: I keep fighting our real enemies.
    Luna: That's nothing. I cast Sanctuary. Have fun with the githyanki, asshole.
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: I run into a corner and use Greater Evasion.
    Tepp: Planetar assists Sendany.
    Luna: Way to not choose sides.
    Tepp: Only against the githyanki. You know, the zealots bent on killing us.
    Luna: Harm.
    Sendany: You can't reach me, duh.
    Luna: I can reach the Planetar.
    DM: The Planetar is reduced to 1 hit point, and subsequently killed.
    Tepp: Seriously!
    Tepp: I still destroy the remaining githyanki.
    Luna: So what you gonna do? I'll keep running and use Sanctuary whenever I find something angry.
    Luna: Either you follow or you split the party.
    Tepp: Time Stop.
    Luna: Huh.
    Tepp: Friends. And looting the liquid.
    Sendany: What.
    Tepp: Friends.
    DM: Heh.
    Tepp: And Friends. That's 25 charisma.
    DM: The Time Stop ends.
    Luna: Oh don't you try.
    Luna: I'll just silence... er. I'll disp...
    Sendany: I'll cover my ears.
    Tepp: You motherfucking won't.
    Tepp: Now you two will listen to the guy with 25 charisma.
    Luna: No I won't.
    Sendany: No I won't.
    DM: Yes you will.
    Luna: MOST RELUCTANTLY.
    Sendany: Even more reluctantly.
    Tepp: You will stop fighting.
    Luna: Nope.
    Sendany: Nope.
    Tepp: You will stop fighting or you will motivate why your CHARACTERS are so inclined to hate each other.
    Luna: Oh look who's talking.
    Sendany: Also, you can't make us ally against you.
    Tepp: I'm not trying to.
    Luna: I'm still heading down these stairs. You can't stop me.
    Tepp: *sigh*
    Tepp: I pursue...
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: I pursue.

    DM: Before you stands a red dragon...
    Luna: Oh, I'm all jittery. I'm going to provoke-
    Tepp: No you're not.
    Luna: I SO AM.
    Tepp: 25 fucking charisma says you're not.
    Sendany: I could-
    Tepp: Nor you.
    Sendany: Hmf.
    Luna: ...
    Sendany: ...
    Luna: But we still gotta piss the dragon off, right. That's what we do.
    Tepp: No we're not pissing the dragon off.
    Sendany: Maybe WE aren't, but-
    Tepp: Shut up.
    Tepp: I have used a lot of spells. You two have also expended resources, against EACH OTHER. Furthermore, Luna has tailored her memos towards fighting Sendany.
    Tepp: Even if I were sure you two wouldn't turn on each other before the first turn was over, I'm not fighting a fucking dragon while we're in this state.
    Luna: Hmmmf.
    Luna: Why don't we rest then?
    Tepp: Oh yeah, I'm sure that will work out well.
    Luna: So am I.
    Tepp: Nope. I'm going to sweet talk this dragon into trading treasure.
    Sendany: Oh boy.
    Tepp: While I have 25 charisma anyway.
    Tepp: But first, you two will promise not to fuck around.
    Luna: ...
    Sendany: ...
    Luna: Bleh.
    Sendany: Whatever.
    Tepp: Good. Commencing sweet talk.
    DM: The dragon is flattered by your words, yet far from interested in parting with any of its hoard.
    DM: He argues, that since he's so magnificent, you should pay him tribute.
    Tepp: A compelling argument, but surely such a grand being is no stranger to generosity?
    DM: Also not a stranger to jealousy. Many have tried to steal from him. He suspects you are tricking him.
    Tepp: I would not dream of it. I present him ten thousand gold pieces. A gift, and not part of any potential future trade.
    Sendany: Wait here.
    Tepp: Shut up.
    Sendany: What's the dragon's name?
    DM: Saladrex.
    Sendany: Bahaha.
    Tepp: That was an OOC "Bahaha" or I AM taking sides in your fight.
    Sendany: Of course. Carry on.
    Tepp: Perhaps the great Saladrex might part with something not too desirable?
    DM: Well, he does possess something not very pleasing to the eye-
    Tepp: To his majestic and discerning eyes, you mean.
    Luna: Wow, I'm so sorry for your next date, you sapstorm.
    DM: He might be willing to trade away a certain staff... but then again, perhaps not.
    Tepp: Anything out of the great Saladrex' hoard-
    Luna: Can we skip the actual words and just roll already.
    Tepp: Fine.
    DM: He will trade you the staff - which you obviously had no idea you wanted - in exchange for 25,000gp and 5,000gp worth of gems.
    Tepp: A trade to which we agree, and add another 10,000gp as a tribute to his majesty.
    Luna: *groan*
    DM: You may leave peacefully.
    Sendany: Wait.
    Tepp: No fucking around, I told you.
    Sendany: And I was very convinced by it.
    Sendany: Yet, throughout the conversation, one of Sendany's innermost instincts has called out...
    Sendany: He just cannot resist it anymore.
    Tepp: Bullshit is not okay just because it's suddenly in character.
    DM: So little happens here in character that I'm fine with anything right now.
    Tepp: Pff.
    Sendany: Ahem.
    Sendany: I...
    Sendany: ...insult Saladrex' accent.
    Luna: ANDY!!!

    Post edited by enqenq on
    NonnahswriterMetallomanJuliusBorisovCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    (continued)

    Tepp: Haste and making a run for it.
    Tepp: You two are following.
    Luna: YOU CHILDISH PIECE OF SHIT.
    Tepp: Following.
    Luna: FOLLOWING.
    Sendany: You've been playing with your phone-
    Tepp: Following.
    Sendany: Following.
    Sendany: You've been playing with your phone ever since you pulled that "Tinderbox" joke, so don't-
    Luna: OH YEAH YOU WANNA KNOW HOW MANY DATES I HAVE FOR TONIGHT?
    Sendany: No, I suspect I'll actually need to learn to count on the other hand as well.
    Tepp: We run out of the dragon's chamber.
    DM: With fire close behind you.
    DM: He gives pursuit, tearing the dungeon down if need be.
    Luna: WILL YOU EVER GROW UP!
    Sendany: If growing up means ending up like you, I hope not.
    Tepp: We run into the demilich's room.
    Luna: YOU TWERP!
    Sendany: You noisy bitch.
    Tepp: I use my Ring of the Ram on the demilich, knocking it into the far corner, then walk into melee range.
    Tepp: Refreshing my Spell Immunity: Abjuration.
    Luna: It's called being PASSIONATE, have you TRIED it??
    Sendany: Passionate smassionate.
    Tepp: I'm in character now.
    Tepp: IN CHARACTER!

    The argument briefly stops as they glance at him.

    Tepp: Oh...
    Tepp: This reminds me so much of Kangaxx.
    Tepp: It's so painful.
    Luna: You're a twerp too.
    Tepp: LISTEN!

    Dark and cold is my heart of late
    Only a demilich could melt it
    None may contest that this is fate
    Truer than this have I never felt it

    Grateful I am that my heart may advance
    Ever I hoped for this second chance
    To one time again know love at first glance

    Scared I was I'd never meet Kangaxx' clone
    Oh, but you are his very memory made bone


    David: What.
    Sandra: The.
    Andy: Fuck.
    Peter: Don't interrupt.
    Sandra: Made bone... really.
    Andy: It's the same sprite-
    Peter: Ahem.

    Peter receives unanimously weird looks as he continues.

    Floating around yet unaided by spell
    Utterly weightless is how I feel as well
    Certain I am yours is a love I will cherish
    Know that I will never risk that you perish
    If ever a golem should try kicking your head
    Not that there's much else it could kick instead
    Gentleman Tepp will not leave you for dead

    Wounds have my heart, let their story be told
    Oh Kangaxx you see, he had a heart quite of gold
    Rambunctious he was, to say the least of the least
    Kindled a dozen with the aid of our priest
    Even more crimes we could ascribe to his name
    Despite wicked ways, I still loved him the same

    Until the moment of now, I was a lone saddened soul
    Perchance it is you who shall see me made whole!


    David: Obviously you're going to blow your annual supply of immersion on this bullshit.
    Peter: Bullshit?

    Perhaps out of fear, perhaps due to seeing the hidden message, Sandra and Andy's hands have ever so slowly moved towards each other under the table.

    Often his limbs I would fondle excited
    Very uncaring for the fever ignited
    Ever aware that for bondage he lusted
    Regretting I am that I never quite trusted

    Afraid that my freedom would be forever adjusted

    Generally though I was no intolerant lout
    An affair with Lord Firkraag I even helped bring about
    Myself I dreamed that he my crotch would eclipse
    Even though he neither had tongue nor owned lips


    Sandra: OKAY!
    Andy: OKAY!
    David: For fuck's sake.
    Sandra: We've stopped fighting!
    Andy: Promise!
    Sandra: See? We're sharing the seat once more!
    Andy: Ma cheri.
    Sandra: He's even speaking French to me again!
    Peter: You go back to your seat and grab your sheet and then return to Andy.
    Peter: Forthwith.
    Sandra: Forthwith!
    David: That was fucking rich advice coming from you.
    Peter: Please. I'm the most laid back player here by far.
    Andy: Actually, I'm pretty sure "laid back" is about as defined as my personality is within the author's mind.
    Peter: Shush. Let's continue.

    DM: So you have a demilich here and a dragon trying to break into the next room.
    DM: You could kill the demilich, but it would surely allow Saladrex to set up camp right outside.
    Tepp: We're not killing it!
    Luna: Please don't continue.
    Tepp: I won't, unless someone tries to harm him.
    Sendany: Like your ring did?
    Tepp: We're in a complicated relationship.
    Tepp: Run back to the main room.
    Luna: Right.
    Tepp: If Mr. DM decides they both follow us he's gonna have to explain why they didn't fight each other.
    DM: *sigh*
    DM: They won't follow, but I wouldn't recommend returning to this section.
    Tepp: We're back in the main room.
    DM: Where lives Carston the Magnificent, President of the Plane!
    Luna: ...
    Luna: I think we've had enough poetry for one day.
    Sendany: Week.
    Luna: Week.
    Tepp: Never question my bard skills again.

    Tepp: So can we rest, and memorize some proper spells this time?
    Luna: Hold on hold on hold on.
    Tepp: What.
    Luna: Don't press THAT point.
    Tepp: *grumble*

    Tepp: So. The illithid section.
    Tepp: Sendy... frontline?
    Sendany: No, I'm cool.
    Tepp: Bah.
    Tepp: Mordenkainen's Sword times five, and Haste.
    Tepp: Bless? Chant?
    Luna: Ehh... nah.
    Luna: I'm sure they'll be fine.
    Tepp: Freeloaders...
    DM: Your swords join battle with the illithid.
    Sendany: Actually, so do I.
    Tepp: Without backstabbing, apparently.
    Sendany: That might kill them.
    Sendany: Hello, can I get some attention over here? I'm hitting them and all.
    Sendany: Very tasty brain too.
    Sendany: Insulting their accents.
    DM: ...
    DM: Well congrats, they hit you.
    Sendany: Ouch!
    Sendany: I retreat to the safety of my trusted healer.
    Luna: My my, what has happened to your rugged good looks?
    Sendany: Brain extraction, I think.
    Luna: Oh my, what might I do about that?
    Luna: Will Cure Light Wounds help?
    Sendany: It helped a little... my brain still feels slightly devoured.
    Luna: Perhaps if I try in a different place?
    Tepp: Okay seriously.
    Tepp: Are you going to make out for this entire dungeon now?
    Luna: Nope.
    Sendany: Nope.

    Four rooms later...

    Luna: If I'm under Free Action, I don't think you're allowed to protest against anything I do.
    Sendany: Baby, I'd love to slightly fail a pickpocket on you. A hundred times.
    Tepp: I know I'm overpowered but can you at least PRETEND to give a fuck about the battles?
    Tepp: Or the plot?
    Tepp: Or the lack of privacy in the room we're in?
    Tepp: Clearly not.
    DM: Carston's apprentice explains very little, but-
    Tepp: Don't you find it a waste to say this when only I am listening??

    The magic golems...

    Tepp: I can't melee for shit and all my summons have magical weapons.
    Tepp: And no, I don't have Tenser's Transformation.
    Tepp: Not even a scroll.
    Tepp: So can you PLEASE grab a normal sorry weapon and have a swing at the golems??
    Luna: The weapon I want to grab-
    Tepp: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem.
    Sendany: Jeez okay, I got something now.
    Tepp: You're holding the sword by the edge.
    Sendany: Oh am I? I believe-
    Tepp: TOUCH SPELLS STOPPED BEING FUNNY BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED USING THEM FOR YOUR EROTIC ROLEPLAY.
    Sendany: Can you silence him?
    Luna: He knows Vocalize, I'm afraid.
    Tepp: Grab a fucking weapon each and kill the golems please please please.
    Tepp: You can freeload all you want after that.
    Sendany: Baby, I don't want to objectify you, but it would let me demonstrate Use Any Item.
    Tepp: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SEPARATE YOUR CHARACTERS' FEELINGS FROM YOUR OWN THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT!
    Luna: With True Seeing active, there's nothing you can hide from me.
    Tepp: Oh for fuck's sake.
    Tepp: STONESKIN. MIRROR IMAGE. HASTE.
    Tepp: SWINGING WITH MY UBER THAC0.

    Twelve eternities later...

    Tepp: DEAD THEY'RE DEAD.
    DM: Well done! I believe I shall grant you a THAC0 bonus the next time you level up.
    Tepp: You are too kind.
    Tepp: Will you two wait here while I wrap this level up? Silence? I take that as a yes? Good.

    DM: You join battle with the minotaurs.
    Tepp: I handle them expertly.
    Luna: We decide those fires look rather romantic.
    Tepp: No no you don't.
    Tepp: Stay out of my battles.
    Sendany: That's not what you said half an hour ago.
    Tepp: Just stay out and don't announce your ERP.
    Luna: If I cast Entangle, will you try to save against it?
    Tepp: Stop.
    Sendany: What if you stepped on my Time Trap and found yourself undressed in-
    Tepp: STOP.
    Luna: Wow, he's rude.
    Sendany: Did you notice he had to use Mirror Image quite a few times against the golems?
    Tepp: No you fuckers haven't noticed anything combat-related since we fled from the dragon.
    Luna: Silence 15' Radius.
    Tepp: ...
    Sendany: Ah, the sweet sound of having no level 2 castings left for Vocalize.
    Luna: The sweet, sweet sound.
    Tepp: ...

    Peter: Could you hormone bombs read up on the game rules?
    Peter: Vocalize would not let me speak while silenced ANYWAY.
    Peter: But thanks for the interference.
    Peter: Grabbing the mallet and leaving my summons to fend for themselves.
    Peter: And you, if you insist the fires are so romantic.
    Andy: Ah not to worry, plenty of touch spells left in her arsenal, I believe.
    Sandra: Indeed.

    The silence wears off, and the trio once again stands before Carston the Magnificent...

    DM: Foremost of the Floor!
    Luna: *sigh*
    Tepp: Okay so.
    Tepp: Wow, you see this?
    Tepp: I'm totally grasping the mallet...
    Tepp: BUT THE CROM FAEYR WOULD BE-
    DM: The sound of rushing water interrupts the sorcerer's rant.
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: He was just imagining it.
    DM: He was.
    Tepp: He's happily swinging the mallet, thinking nothing special of it.
    DM: Indeed.
    Tepp: So anyway...
    Tepp: Six swings, I believe.
    Tepp: I tap the glass six times.
    DM: It shat-
    Tepp: And a seventh!
    DM: ...
    Tepp: What, it unshattered?
    Tepp: How long do I have to wait after the sixth tap before it knows I'm not gonna do a seventh?
    Tepp: We should conduct science.
    DM: *sigh*
    DM: The glass shattered and fuck off.
    DM: You have released Carston the Magnificent...
    DM: Earl of the Etage!
    Tepp: And I'm killing him before you can come up with another stupid title.

    Peter: Are you two paying attention at all?
    Andy: What? Oh yeah, totally.
    Sandra: I heal you.
    Peter: I'm not injured.
    Sandra: If YOU had been paying attention you'd know how precious my touch spells are.
    Peter: Gah.
    Peter: Right.
    Peter: You two obviously have little interest in playing right now. JJ is waiting for the next campaign so he can join.
    Peter: It hurts to suggest this, it really does...
    Peter: But for the greater good.
    David: Terminate the campaign?
    Peter: No, but skip level five.
    David: I'm sure that will fuck up your prank so I'm in favor.
    Andy: Oh yes, I'm in favor.
    Sandra: The ayes have it.
    Peter: But just for the record... intelligence and dexterity to Sendany, everything else to Luna.
    David: Sure.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    NonnahswriterMetallomanJuliusBorisovCrevsDaak
  • GrumGrum Member, Mobile Tester Posts: 2,100
    edited March 2015
    For the record, I have now read through all of this thread. You are insane. And well done, as well. Most entertaining.

    Also, which one is the Bhaalspawn? I hope it is actually cocoamancer.

    JuliusBorisovenqenqNonnahswriterCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    Hey. I'm glad you liked it :)

    I have decided which one is the Bhaalspawn, but it's scheduled for the ToB ending, although you could figure it out earlier (but not now). I'm afraid it's not Cocoamancer though, it's one of the three in the party... but perhaps he could become god of chocolate?

    JuliusBorisovMetallomanCrevsDaak
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