Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Categories

Dark Dreams of Furiae - a new module for NWN:EE! Buy now
Attention, new and old users! Please read the new rules of conduct for the forums, and we hope you enjoy your stay!

Plotbreaker and Friends

2

Comments

  • MetallomanMetalloman Member, Moderator, Translator (NDA) Posts: 3,975
    I have read through all in like 4/5 days (as I don't have much time..), I laughed a whole lot and I really enjoyed this thread: PLEASE TELL ME THAT ALL THIS REALLY HAPPENED! This or you're insane! :lol:

    JuliusBorisovenqenqCrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited March 2015
    Really happened? I've never ever played PnP :P at best I've watched a bunch of people do it online, and professionally* interjected** that a 30 diplomacy roll was not enough to convince the monster to regurgitate the party members it had eaten.

    Or did you mean it had "really happened" in some other way?

    * Based on just thinking 30 doesn't sound like a high number
    ** With caps and slightly immature language

    MetallomanCrevsDaak
  • MetallomanMetalloman Member, Moderator, Translator (NDA) Posts: 3,975
    No, ok, I was just joking a bit, it would have been funny to actually spectate such a D&D session! XD

    enqenqCrevsDaak
  • CrevsDaakCrevsDaak Member Posts: 7,154
    This is my fukken favorite thread evah!! Thank you @enqenq for doing this!!

    enqenqJuliusBorisovMetalloman
  • ElrandirElrandir Member Posts: 1,658
    Like @Empyrial I will be getting to this... Sometime! Life is busy and annoying! XD

    enqenq
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited March 2015
    Yeah it is. I'm happy to see fans new and old here, but for the record, I cannot let you get your hopes up for a ToB campaign anytime remotely soon. Even if I weren't looking at drowning myself in PoE content first thing tomorrow, I work much less improvisationally now so like with WK, you wouldn't see the first episode until the last one was done, and ToB is a lot more work than WK - perhaps more work than SoA even. For the record, we're talking probably 1-2 months between writing the WK intro and writing the final episode.

    I can't even promise I'll ever do it as I'm not sure how entertaining I can make it while deviating so much from the original story.

    Also, I still would like to have some semblance of a clue about how Helm/Demogorgon would react to the situation :)

    MetallomanCrevsDaakskinnydragon
  • YgramulYgramul Member Posts: 1,059
    (Hey, I'm reading this, too.... but, quietly, very, very quietly... *makes a forum-lurk roll*)

    enqenqJuliusBorisovCrevsDaak
  • skinnydragonskinnydragon Member Posts: 110
    Going to chime in here loved the original thread and very happy to see this one.your stories are very funny and if you do get chance to do another I'd appreciate it

    JuliusBorisovCrevsDaakenqenqElrandir
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited June 2015
    Okay, I'm gonna have to say this. I gave the ToB intro episode a try 1-2 months ago, but I didn't like how it turned out. Since I'm sticking with keeping Gorion's Ward a secret I gotta pull off a pretty big plot twist right away and I didn't think it worked out well.

    However, I made another attempt a week ago and that one turned out better. I just thought you should know, for perspective, that that's the first time I've rewritten an episode from scratch.

    I'm now working on the fourth episode, and I estimate it will have ten or so in total. The thing is though, it's not like the SoA campaign at all. In that one you could take a random episode and just (hopefully) laugh as Peter/Tepp makes fun of the quest design. This just doesn't follow the ToB storyline at all, partly because of the plot twist, partly because I can't find many ways to make fun of it.

    Instead the entertainment comes from player interaction (by which I mean arguments) and a more creative DM's interpretation of how the saga should play out, partly due to the consequences of the WK campaign and partly, well, you'll see. I've also thought up a great way to incorporate Cocoamancer again, in fact that's the episode I'm looking forward to writing the most. While I'm at it, I'm also revealing more real life stuff about the players.

    But my point is, you won't be able to pick a random episode here and expect to read about Peter/Tepp harassing the DM about plot flaws in Sendai's Enclave or something. If you don't know the SoA/WK story I don't think you can appreciate the ToB campaign, so yeah, I'm a little sad I've had to give that up. But mostly I hope I can still entertain without really making much of a ToB parody like the other two campaigns were.

    I was going to end this post with a spoiler about the identity of this "more creative DM" but I think you figured it out already when you read that :)

    P.S. What's with the perpetual untrusted connection error messages here. I changed the links in the episode guide to the Beamdog forums instead but to no avail.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    ElrandirJuliusBorisovCrevsDaakNonnahswriter
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    Okay, I've written the final episode. Now I just need to proofread and polish and that stuff, but I gave all of that a shot earlier today and didn't find much that needed change, though the ink on the finale isn't even dry yet. When I'm happy enough with an episode, I'll post it. I'll probably be a bit occupied the next few days though, but some if not all of the story should be available here within a week.

    I ended up with 14 episodes, though it doesn't say all that much - I don't think any are as large as WK 3 and 4 which didn't even fit in one post each.

    CrevsDaakElrandirNonnahswriterJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Twisted fate

    David: Good evening everyone.
    Sandra: Evening.
    Johnny: Evening.
    Andy: Heya.
    Peter: *smirk*
    David: It has come to my attention that you all suck at roleplaying.
    Sandra: Gee, missed you too.
    David: No, really.
    Peter: Get on with it.
    David: Whatever.
    Peter: He's just being a sore loser.
    David: I'm pretty damn sure you can't generate tornadoes just by placing two fans opposite each other, jackass.
    Peter: Blowing air of conflicting temp-
    David: Still.
    Peter: But we agreed on it.
    David: We did yes. On one condition.
    Andy: Oh, I think we're supposed to be excited.
    Peter: You should be.
    Sandra: Well?
    David: The jackass will DM the rest of the campaign.

    Peter: YOINK!
    David: Put. That. Back.
    Peter: It's a DM tool. I need it.
    David: No you don't.
    Peter: Why do you have it then?
    David: You can't have it.
    Sandra: Oh wow, and I was wondering if the arguments would continue with your roles exchanged.
    Sandra: You can't even swap chairs without bickering.
    David: He's a presumptuous brat. He can't have that.
    Sandra: Can't have what?
    David: Comprehension would blow your mind.
    Sandra: You're not making this easy.
    David: I'm not trying to.
    Sandra: Let him have it.
    David: No.
    Sandra: He's earned it.
    David: Earned it?
    Sandra: Um, he fucking pissed me off several times in the first campaign, all for his secret plots.
    Sandra: In Watcher's Keep, his schemes were more cunning, more entertaining and less painful.
    Sandra: And he handled level four with Andy and I being beyond useless.
    Sandra: He's earned it. Whatever it is.
    David: His "cunning" schemes involve a bullshit method for generating tornadoes.
    David: One I don't think you would condone given some actual thought.
    Sandra: The key part of that scheme isn't whether or not a physicist could dismantle it. It's plausible enough to laymen.
    Sandra: The key part is that you flooded the fucking Underdark to stop him, and it still wasn't enough.
    Peter: Hahahaha.
    Peter: Oh, that never gets old.
    Johnny: Wait, what? Flooded the Underdark??
    Peter: *beams*
    Sandra: You should read up, JJ.
    Johnny: Reading is boring.
    David: You never needed the Crom Faeyr, you rampant archmoron.
    Sandra: But he made you believe he did, that's the point.
    Sandra: Now let him have this One Ring of Power or whatever the fuck you are arguing over.
    Sandra: He's earned it.
    David: ...
    David: Fine.

    David: Well? Get going, jackass.
    Peter: Ahem.
    David: You'd better get me and JJ into the game as soon as possible.
    Peter: I shall immediately ask the author to retcon my "Ahem" into a word that would achieve that effect.
    Peter: Now will you be quiet?
    David: ...
    Peter: Thank you.

    Peter: Gorion's Ward has fled their destiny for too long. It has caught up. Choice is powerless against fate.
    Peter: Having said their farewells to the three engineers, they lie low for a few days, but no matter where they hide, word of increasing turmoil is ever around the corner.
    Peter: Denizens of the Underdark desperately try to survive on the surface, fighting over caves to wait out the sun.
    Peter: Meanwhile-
    Andy: Wow.
    Andy: Sorry to interrupt, but you never set the scene like this, Dave.
    David: *grumble*
    David: Possibly because I was expected to adhere to a campaign every reader knows by heart and doesn't need to hear the aesthetic details of.
    David: The world is changed. This isn't your regular Throne of Bhaal adventure.
    David: Of course he has to set the scene for the readers.
    Peter: Ahem.
    Peter: Meanwhile, Helm's followers are fervently working to deal with a great, but unnamed threat.
    Peter: Talos' subjects rejoice as tornadoes ravage the land, though many speculate of some kind of union with Talona, given the poisonous nature of the storms.
    Peter: Amidst this religious disorder, the Unseeing Eye once again makes its move on Athkatla.
    David: Eh.
    Andy: Huh.
    Peter: On the road between two villages somewhere in Tethyr, the trio is suddenly spirited away.

    Peter: You find yourselves in a large room, but before you can fully take in your surroundings, an angelic being demands your attention with her sheer presence.
    Peter: You stand before a solar...
    David: Just reveal it and be done with it.
    Peter: Don't interrupt.
    Peter: The solar begins to speak, but a more familiar being interrupts everything in the room.
    Peter: Sarevok's spirit wishes to have a word. Before the solar does.
    David: We don't care for him.
    Peter: You don't have a character yet, much less any claim to leadership.
    Peter: Tepp wishes to hear Sarevok out.
    Andy: Eh, sure.
    Sandra: Shoot.
    Peter: Sarevok explains to his sibling that he could explain much of what is to come...
    Peter: He could even fight by their side.
    Peter: But there is a catch. He wishes to live again.
    Peter: To do so, he requires the tiniest fraction of his sibling's essence.
    David: Well, surely we would need to know who that sibling is before said sibling could possibly give their consent.
    Johnny: (We don't know?)
    Sandra: (You should read up.)
    Peter: In my capacity as DM I'm accepting the offer on behalf of Gorion's Ward.
    David: NO.
    David: Seriously, you can't dance around it anymore.
    David: It's Throne of Bhaal. It's ALL ABOUT Gorion's Ward.
    Peter: WATCH me dance around it.
    David: Hmf.
    Peter: The offer is accepted, but the magic is unstable.
    Peter: Sarevok doesn't get a fraction of his sibling's essence.
    Peter: His sibling keeps a fraction...
    Peter: Sarevok gets the rest.
    David: I'm really close to just walking out of this room.
    David: Cut the bullshit. Reveal Gorion's Ward.
    Peter: I will.
    David: Now.
    Peter: No.
    David: Now.
    Peter: I promise I have every intent to reveal it before the campaign ends.
    David: I don't care.
    Peter: And you are about to get a good hint too.
    David: I.
    David: Don't.
    David: Care.
    Sandra: Jeez, this only bothers you. It's got to a breath of fresh air to Andy and JJ.
    David: The world is transformed enough for that breath of fresh air. Or poisonous air, perhaps.
    Sandra: I thought you were going to show us how to roleplay, not how to be anal about getting outsmarted in the first campaign.
    David: Hmf.
    Peter: May I continue?
    David: *grumble*
    David: Just.
    David: Gorion's Ward is still for all intents and purposes Gorion's Ward, CORRECT?
    David: Just almost completely powerless as far as Bhaalspawn power goes, yes?
    Peter: Yeah.
    Peter: Certainly powerless enough that they cannot have their own pocket plane.
    David: Figures.
    David: So what happens?
    Peter: Sarevok takes over the plane...
    Peter: ...and the solar has a nervous breakdown from the messed up destiny.
    Peter: Oh, and JJ plays Sarevok.

    Johnny: Woo!
    Johnny: Fucking badass.
    Johnny: Who's the fucking protagonist now, huh.
    Johnny: That's right, I am.
    Peter: Actually...
    David: Wow, I was sure you were going to go with that.
    Peter: JJ is a little excitable.
    David: Surely doesn't run in the family.
    Johnny: What, who has the essence? Who has a pocket plane huh?
    Peter: And who has realized that the prophecy still isn't about him?
    Johnny: Hmmmf.
    Johnny: So what, despite all this power I can't become a god?
    Peter: Who knows.
    Peter: Perhaps cooperation would be prudent?
    Peter: You have many mutual enemies.
    Sandra: Hmf, cooperate with Sarevok?
    Sandra: I don't think Luna would do that.
    Sandra: The deal was for information.
    Sandra: And given how the little power transfer went, I don't think Luna trusts him at all.
    Andy: Sendany is also highly suspicious.
    Johnny: I'll get my own party, suckers.
    Peter: Please.
    Peter: Gorion's Ward is still Gorion's Ward.
    Peter: That means, work your way into the party.
    Johnny: How does it mean that??
    Johnny: Whatever.
    Johnny: We have many mutual enemies, says Sarevok.

    Sarevok: And the prophecy isn't about me. My power is irrelevant.
    Sarevok: If anything, it allows me to better aid you.
    Sarevok: And I'll get to see the saga end. That is worth something.
    Luna: We don't need you.
    Tepp: We have been stumbling in the dark. His knowledge could prove useful.
    Sendany: And why should we trust him?
    Sendany: His spell so conveniently misfired.
    Tepp: It was powerful magic. It might as well have killed his spirit.
    Sarevok: Would you rather I were your enemy?
    Sendany: You're not immortal.
    Sarevok: And two of you are not protected by prophecy.
    Sarevok: You are on MY plane.
    Sarevok: Who knows what would happen if I banished you?
    Sarevok: One of you would somehow find their way out...
    Sarevok: But the other two?
    Luna: You can't threaten us into service!
    Luna: You want another shot at godhood, but we will not aid you.
    Sarevok: I do not ask you to join me, I ask to join you.
    Sarevok: I merely wish to see this story end.
    Tepp: I don't think the spell was a deception. And I think he's accepted that godhood is beyond him, his essence notwithstanding.

    David: Can you stop using your character to lobby for your idiot ideas.
    David: It's pathetic.
    David: And when can I join?
    Peter: As soon as my idiot idea is accepted.
    David: *sigh*

    Luna: Hmf.
    Luna: Quite the risk to take.
    Tepp: We have powerful enemies. We need a powerful, knowledgeable ally.
    Tepp: (And a goddamn tank.)
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: One wrong move.
    Luna: Yeah.
    Luna: One wrong move.
    Sarevok: Hm.
    Luna: And you advise us.
    Luna: You don't lead us.
    Luna: Clear?
    Sarevok: Clear.
    Sendany: For most part, you just hit and get hit.
    Sarevok: I understand.
    Luna: Hmf.
    Luna: Welcome along then, I suppose.
    Sarevok: Thank you.
    Tepp: And farewell.
    Sarevok: A ruse?
    Tepp: No. I am needed elsewhere.

    Sandra: Peter-speak for it's no fun to mess with the DM when he's the DM.
    Peter: Yeah, that.
    David: So wait wait wait.
    David: Tepp LEAVES the party?
    Peter: Correct.
    David: Wow.
    David: Well, you have made me a little less annoyed with you.
    Johnny: I don't get what the big deal is.
    Sandra: JJ, please read up before next game night.
    Johnny: *sigh*
    David: Well, this sets things up perfectly! I know who I'm going to play now.
    Peter: You prepared several characters?
    David: Not I.
    David: Summon Nalia, will you?
    Peter: Well, technically they should only be able to summon those Sarevok have met, but let's not delay the real adventure just to set them up for meeting Nalia, I suppose.
    David: I won't complain.
    David: Well, in character I sure as fuck will complain.
    David: But yeah, it's such a revolutionary idea around this table to play a character of the opposite sex.
    David: Let me show you how it's done.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    Saradush

    DM: Uneasily trusting in Sarevok, the group follows him to Saradush, where the prophecies hold that an important event will take place.
    DM: The pocket plane's magic spirits them before the gates of the fortress of the last bastion the city yet has against the besieging army.
    DM: There are soldiers and peasants, angry not with you but with each other. The former, however, seem all too eager to strike you down as well.
    DM: There's just no reasoning with you people - you only understand the edge of a sword! Exclaims a moron with a halberd.

    Peter: I mean seriously, if they only understand swords-
    David: Yeah, we get it.
    Andy: Maybe he was speaking figuratively.
    Peter: I considered that, but a halberd is as much a pointed weapon as an edged one.
    Peter: At best, they should only half-understand it.
    Andy: But a sword can also be pointed.
    Peter: Hmm. Noted. We should also take into account the reach, and-
    Sandra: SERIOUSLY! Is the adventure gonna get stuck HERE?!
    David: My thoughts exactly.
    Peter: Hmf.
    Peter: Very well. Defend yourselves.

    One disproportionately rewarding steamroll later...

    DM: As the last soldier is put down, an orange-haired woman approaches you. She stood with the peasants, but did not flee as they did. She introduces herself as Melissan.

    Johnny: Let's attack her right here right now!
    Sandra: Err...
    Andy: Nope.
    Johnny: But think of the plot twist!
    Sandra: Stop that.
    Johnny: And the luls of the senseless violence.
    David: I hope you will appreciate the "luls" of us taking you three vs. one afterwards.
    David: Or before you can kill her. If you even can.
    Johnny: Pff.
    Andy: Fret not.
    Andy: At least you marked yourself as Peter's brother beyond all doubt.
    Sandra: Hehehe.
    Johnny: Was that supposed to cheer me up?
    Peter: Sandra, Andy, you're calling the shots.
    Sandra: We introduce ourselves in return.

    DM: Melissan explains that she recognizes two of you, Sarevok primarily, as Bhaalspawn. She seems perplexed by Sarevok's presence, let alone his power, but barely lets it on.
    DM: She is a caretaker of Bhaalspawn, she continues.

    Johnny: Oh my word can you believe I fell for that the first time.
    Sandra: JJ.
    Johnny: Yeah?
    Sandra: Turn the spoiler generator down a few dozen notches.
    Johnny: Oh, right.

    Melissan: You are trapped in Saradush, exit impossible by road and rift alike.
    Melissan: Yaga-Shura's besieging army has what remains of the city surrounded, yet the greater threat comes from within.
    Melissan: General Gromnir Il-Khan cares little for his people and his soldiers push them around as they please.
    Nalia: Ugh. Why am I not surprised.
    Sarevok: Bah.
    Nalia: What?
    Luna: Selûne's light shall renew these people's hope.
    Sarevok: Spare me.
    Luna: Remember your place, advisor.
    Sarevok: I am to help you bring the saga to its conclusion.
    Sarevok: Not watch you waste precious time on charity.
    Nalia: CHARITY. This city is in dire straits.
    Sarevok: And as involuntary inhabitants, so are we!
    Luna: Cut it.
    Luna: Melissan, what do you suggest?
    Melissan: Gromnir must be dealt with.
    Melissan: With a proper commander in his place, the soldiers might be used to more effectively defend the city, rather than destroy it from the inside.
    Luna: We'll have a talk with him.
    Sarevok: Talk. Pah.
    Sendany: Yeah, not you.
    Sarevok: Hmf.
    Melissan: I urge speed. The walls may last a few more months or a few more days. Best of luck!

    Johnny: Game designer latin for, you can take all the time you want but you will just barely fail.
    Sandra: JJ.
    Johnny: What?
    Sandra: You know what the difference between Peter and you is?
    Johnny: Three inches?
    Sandra: He uses his knowledge of the campaigns to form clever plots.
    Sandra: You use it to blurt out spoilers.
    Johnny: Oh fine.
    Johnny: (Clever plots, please.)

    Sarevok: I *suggest* we storm the castle.
    Nalia: There are more immediate concerns, if you don't mind.
    Sarevok: Build a catapult shelter for all I care, but don't try to involve me.
    Luna: We're not storming the castle.
    Sarevok: Grr.
    Sarevok: It is as direct as it could possibly get!
    Sarevok: *fixed stare*
    Sendany: Go on, give in to the rage.
    Sendany: Be the mindless killer your heritage demands you to be.
    Sendany: See how far it gets you this time.
    Luna: You follow US.
    Sarevok: YES, I follow you. Lead on, weaklings.

    David: This is so unfair.
    David: As soon as the jackass is DM, everyone handles IC and OOC perfectly.
    Peter: Must be my aura of awesomeness.
    David: No, the author is just making proper effort this time but couldn't be bothered to retcon the previous campaigns.
    Peter: I wouldn't anger him...
    David: Bah, what's he gonna do?

    DM: As you walk down the street, you overhear two unbelievably attractive demi-liches gossiping.
    Andy: (Eh.)
    DM: Oh, I meant women.
    DM: They speak of the natural disasters that have befallen Tethyr.
    DM: The flooding of the Underdark, and the poisonous tornadoes that came out of Watcher's Keep.
    DM: Clearly, both must be the works of great minds, argues the first.
    DM: The second one is skeptical. Nevertheless, she thinks the tornado guy must be the most handsome man in all the realms and planes.
    DM: The first one agrees, and then theorizes that the flood guy probably just stole the idea from the tornado guy anyway.

    Peter: And then-
    David: Yeah enough.
    Peter: Hehe.
    Sandra: Well you did steal the idea.
    David: I said enough.

    Nalia: Luna, a word?
    Luna: Speak.
    Nalia: Poverty is an easy problem to fix compared to this.
    Luna: I know. You can't eat gold.
    Nalia: Still, there's our rations-
    Sarevok: FORGET IT.
    Nalia: Who invited you to eavesdrop?!
    Sendany: He's right. It's not like fed children are going to break the siege.
    Sarevok: Hmmm.
    Luna: I suppose.
    Sendany: Could we all agree that it's in our common interest to break the siege?
    Sarevok: *exhales*
    Luna: We could.
    Nalia: Just know that our work is not done even when that threat is gone.
    Sarevok: *ignores Nalia*
    Sarevok: Lead on already.

    Luna: Let's hit the magic shop. I'm sure a wizard is bound to know something.
    DM: The wizard Lazarus does not have any particularly useful answers for you, but he might sell you scrolls if you could retrieve his spellbook.
    Nalia: Since we're being practical, I can't deny that might be useful.
    DM: He suspects a man named Hectan has it, though the actual thief had to be a child, given the small footprints he found.
    DM: Conveniently, there is a little boy just outside the establishment.
    Luna: Sarevok, no.
    Luna: I handle the questioning.
    DM: The boy demands 1,000gp-
    Sarevok: *flaunts sword*
    DM: Uh, 1gp.
    Luna: *sigh*
    Luna: Here's 10gp. What do you know?
    DM: He stole it, and indeed gave it to Hectan.
    Luna: Where is Hectan?
    DM: The boy doesn't know.
    Sendany: Let's try the tavern.

    DM: Entering the tavern, the first thing you notice is two soldiers harassing a waitress...
    Sarevok: How I hate doing things your way.
    Sarevok: Leave that woman alone or feel my unholy wrath.
    Luna: Sarevok!
    DM: The soldiers attack...
    DM: ...and are promptly dispatched.
    DM: The waitress is grateful.
    Luna: *sigh*
    Sendany: Is there a Hectan here?
    DM: She points to a man in a far corner.
    Luna: Hectan, hand over the book.
    DM: He claims he does not have it.
    Sarevok: He will-
    Sendany: Stand down.
    Sarevok: Grr.
    Luna: But the boy said he does.
    DM: He knows where it is, and in exchange for a teleport scroll, he will return it.
    Sarevok: ...

    Andy: Hehehe.
    Peter: What?
    Andy: Hehehehehehe.
    Andy: I'm sorry, but I can't stay in character anymore.

    Sendany: Nalia, why don't you pickpocket him and check if he has it?
    Nalia: Um...
    Sendany: I hear you're a pretty dedicated pickpocket.
    Nalia: It was mostly a prank thing, really.
    Sendany: Better than picking locks, huh?
    Sendany: I mean, when you're only taking four levels of thief, you certainly shouldn't spend your skill points-

    David: My poor brain.
    David: Levels. Skill points.
    Johnny: Hahaha, did you think you could play Nalia and avoid this?
    David: Without the jackass playing, yes, I cautiously entertained that notion.
    Andy: No worries, I'll fix this.

    Sendany: Here, let me show you a few tricks.
    Sendany: Don't be making that face, I'll put everything back.
    Sendany: See how I did there? I could have stolen his pants and he wouldn't have noticed.
    Sendany: And that? Expert sleight of hand.
    Sendany: You catching on? Try.
    Nalia: Err...
    Sendany: Come on, surely you're not beyond learning.
    Nalia: Well.
    Sendany: Well.
    Sendany: Well, you've dual classed and now you're-

    David: Oh for fuck's sake stop it.
    Peter: Hahaha.
    Andy: *grin*
    David: IF you're going to have a field day about Nalia's skill point distribution-
    Johnny: -which is inferior to Imoen's-
    David: -then perhaps at least consider that her signet ring is pretty damn good.
    Johnny: Okay yeah but why didn't you just play Imoen instead?
    Sandra: JJ, you really really really need to read the previous campaigns.
    Johnny: Fine fine fine I will before tomorrow.

    Sarevok: I WILL PAINT THE FLOOR WITH YOUR BLOOD!
    Sarevok: *draws sword*
    DM: Hectan is terrified. He throws the book and runs.
    Luna: No pursuit.
    Sarevok: Hmf. Mercy.
    Sarevok: He lied to our faces because he didn't know to fear us.
    Luna: We have the book, and he won't tell another lie for as long as he lives.
    Luna: And if YOU draw your sword again before Sendany does...
    Sarevok: *exasperated sigh*
    Sarevok: I cannot believe the lot of you defeated me.
    Luna: Unless you wish to know that feeling again...
    Sarevok: Hmf.

    DM: Lazarus has like every spell in the game for sale, as well as accessories such as a pair of Boots of Speed, and-
    Sarevok: Now that sounds useful.
    Sendany: I agree, it does.
    Sendany: We'll take those.
    Sarevok: ...
    Sendany: No, you can't have them.
    Sendany: You're the last person who could.
    Nalia: *buys a bunch of scrolls*
    Nalia: *writes magic*
    Sarevok: Ah.
    Sarevok: I think I have learned how to better swing my sword by being in the party while Nalia learned new spells.
    Sarevok: Perhaps if Sendany were to disarm traps or open locks-

    David: Express Sarevok's grumpiness without breaking the fourth wall, thank you.
    Johnny: You guys are no fun. I should have the boots.
    Sandra: Sure, as soon as you convince us you won't use them to speed off on a murderous rampage.
    Johnny: I feel I haven't quite set the scene for such persuasion.
    Sandra: Oh gee, you think?
    David: Dance along now JJ, and we'll get this back on track.

    Nalia: Keep your eyes off me, Sarevok. I don't know what you are, but I don't want you near me.
    Sarevok: Ahh... So the sorceress can sense the difference in me, can she? Do I alarm you, girl?
    Nalia: I know that you're not truly alive, and not undead. You're flesh, but you're-

    Peter: Okay I applaud you two supernerds for memorizing the exact dialogue.
    Peter: Really, very impressive.
    Andy: And if you know they did...
    Peter: Pff.
    Peter: But David, I'm not going to let you pull off any charname quotes.
    David: Oh, I didn't actually think of that.
    Johnny: Hey, we'll salvage this. Let's use a different approach.

    Sarevok: How could I take my eyes off you?
    Nalia: ...
    Sarevok: And surely you do not mind the attention. I have cheated death, reclaimed my essence and may yet become a god.
    Sarevok: If you do not find that exotic, you should at least have a political interest in gaining my favor.
    Sarevok: And perhaps you can...
    Nalia: Don't even think about it.
    Sarevok: My reformed body is practically untouched.
    Sarevok: I have superhuman physique.
    Sarevok: And then there's my skin color. I mean, you know.
    Nalia: I'm NOT interested.
    Sarevok: When did you last-
    Luna: Sarevok.

    Johnny: You know there's a meme for people who are automatic chastes when they're playing crossgender. (A hundred points to whoever digs it out)
    Johnny: Surely Nalia cannot truly resist the forbidden fruit that is Sarevok.
    David: And seduction is something Sarevok does, yeah.
    Johnny: He uses brawn, he gets flak, he uses brain, he gets flak.
    Johnny: You are so unfair to Sarevok.
    Sandra: And it breaks my heart, truly.

    Sarevok: *sigh*
    Sarevok: Let's get into that castle, then?
    Sarevok: By which I don't mean the evidently impenetrable de'Arnise Keep.
    Luna: SAREVOK.
    Sarevok: (Someone should use the secret entrance and "lower the drawbridge".)
    Sarevok: Back to the tavern.
    Luna: What's there?
    Sarevok: Our way in.
    Sarevok: I'll just hook up with a vampire courtesan.
    David: (And I'll just let it slide that we haven't found out we should.)
    Sarevok: At least they are not beyond spreading their legs with ulterior motives.

    A few dead vampires later...

    Sarevok: Here we are, the dungeons beneath Gromnir's castle.
    Sarevok: Might I suggest carving a path to his throne room from here?
    Luna: *sigh*
    DM: There are prisoners held in the dungeons. Notably, some are drow.
    Luna: Drow?
    Sarevok: Is *that* something I can slaughter without being reprimanded?

    Sandra: Can we still speak their language?
    Peter: Yeah.

    Luna: How did you get into the city?
    DM: They fled their flooded realm.
    DM: The dungeons aren't even THAT bad. They are permanently sheltered from the sun, and the harassment from the guards is mild compared to being exposed elsewhere.
    DM: They're all women, by the way.
    Luna: So you care not for freedom?
    DM: Only for setting things right.
    Sendany: Setting what right?
    DM: They hiss as Sendany speaks.
    Sarevok: *sigh*
    Sarevok: Clearly stopping Gromnir isn't as important as practicing the drow tongue.
    Sarevok: Hey Nalia, we could do some of that while they-
    Nalia: Don't even think about it.
    Luna: Setting what right?
    DM: Clearly, the flood was a punishment from Lolth.
    DM: It happened because they were paying too much attention to the GEM.
    DM: The GEM should have been crushed immediately.
    Sendany: (Yeah, the gem. Curse that gem.)
    DM: It's the Gender Equality Movement, making ludicrous statements such as "males are not only sex objects; their feelings matter".
    DM: This is not the way of Lolth, and for not immediately obliterating these heathens, she punished the drow race.

    Sandra: Drow Gender Equality Movement? Hahaha.
    Andy: That was a good one.
    Peter: The oppressive matriarchy MUST END.
    Sandra: Word, right.
    Andy: Word.

    DM: The drow wonder how it is that you speak their tongue, when you are clearly surfacedwellers.
    Sendany: Oh, we are actually just disguised.
    DM: Again, the male speaking out of turn angers them.
    Sendany: Ours is House do'Urmom.
    DM: That name is clearly a warning of how things would become if the GEM's dark propaganda was allowed to fester, the drow think.
    DM: They feel that slaying Sendany would be the first step on the road to redemption.
    Sarevok: Oh finally.
    Sarevok: *hack slash gut*
    Sarevok: I can't believe we had to provoke DROW before it was okay to kill them.

    DM: You fight your way to the throne room, where Melissan stands before Gromnir, clearly not on friendly terms.
    DM: She says she was threatened with arrest, and-

    David: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm disappointed.
    David: We've almost concluded this part of the campaign and you've barely changed anything.
    David: I've come to expect way better from you.
    David: I hope it's not just going to be the standard story with you coming up with lame ways to hide Gorion's Ward's identity.
    Peter: Please.
    Peter: For one, you never met Illasera.
    David: So?
    Peter: She has... alternate plans for godhood.
    Peter: No matter, this adventure does not end the way you're used to.
    David: I'm cautiously hopeful.

    DM: Clearly paranoid, Gromnir accuses Melissan of having hired you to kill him.
    DM: Then his guards lead her away...
    DM: And Gromnir greets you with weapon in hand.
    Sarevok: Well, Sendany?
    Sendany: Mmm.
    Sendany: I suppose.
    Sendany: *draws sword*
    Sarevok: *draws sword and charges*

    DM: As you catch your breath following the victory, Melissan returns.
    DM: She's unhappy to see the meeting ended in violence, but she supposes it was inevitable.
    Melissan: Nevertheless, with Gromnir gone, the next threat to the innocents of Saradush lies just outside the walls.
    Melissan: Yaga-Shura's army is raining death and fire upon the city, and you are trapped within, forced to endure it.
    Luna: I don't think we're trapped.
    Sarevok: We're not, dimwit.
    Melissan: Of course, if you could get in then you can get out!
    Melissan: You must end the siege!
    Sarevok: By slaying Yaga-Shura.
    Melissan: It's not that easy. The giant is immortal.
    Sarevok: Pah.
    Melissan: Rest your rage, Sarevok. It is no taunt. Powerful magic has made him impervious to sword and spell alike.
    Melissan: Perhaps if you explore his fortress in the Marching Mountains, or the Temple of Mir, you might find a weakness...
    Sarevok: And then cut him open and, *sigh*, save the pointless city.
    Melissan: No.

    Johnny: Uh?
    David: Hmm?
    Andy: Eh.

    Melissan: If you can take on his army, you can save the city. For the time being, anyway.
    Melissan: But that would provoke him to go after you.
    Melissan: And if he's still immortal by then, that would spell out your doom.
    Melissan: I know it's not easy, but you must pray the city can weather the storm a while longer.
    Sarevok: So Yaga-Shura is NOT overseeing the siege?
    Melissan: Yaga-Shura is immortal, and in league with several other powerful Bhaalspawn.
    Sarevok: I know; the weaklings asked me to join them once.
    Melissan: But as can be expected, such an alliance is tenuous. With the drow Sendai weakened by the flooding of the Underdark, Yaga-Shura sees only one threat - Abazigal.
    Melissan: And being immortal, he has gone to deal with that threat personally.

    David: Touché.
    Peter: Always bothered me that that moron did nothing with his immortality but oversee a siege.
    Johnny: Well, this just got interesting.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    Abi_DalzimCrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    Chivalry and righteousness

    DM: You retreat to the Pocket Plane, away from curious ears...
    DM: ...though the others are not entirely at ease with being in a realm ruled by Sarevok.

    Sarevok: I offered to advise you and I most certainly can now.
    Sarevok: A little to my own displeasure, I will add, as I will suggest a course of stealth.
    Sarevok: Yaga-Shura, Abazigal, Sendai and Illa-
    DM: (Nobody mentioned Illasera in character, idiot.)
    Sarevok: *cough*
    Sarevok: Yaga-Shura, Abazigal and Sendai, each of which were mentioned by Melissan, are part of an alliance of powerful Bhaalspawn known as the Five.
    Sarevok: I was once asked to join them, as I said.
    Sarevok: The other two are known as Balthazar and Illasera.
    Sarevok: Now, I would have expected them to gang up on us, but it seems they are already at war with each other.
    Sarevok: The prudent course would be to simply not interfere.
    Nalia: And leave Saradush to its fate?! I barely even agreed to stop Yaga-Shura before stopping his army!
    Luna: I concur, we cannot just idly-
    Sarevok: ONE PATHETIC CITY!
    Sarevok: One pathetic city already on the brink of complete decimation.
    Sarevok: I will not pretend to care for your mewling altruistic pursuits, but if you think Saradush is the only city that suffers and will suffer from this conflict, you are terribly mistaken.
    Sarevok: And ultimately, do you think the Five will be any more merciful should one of them succeed Bhaal on the Throne of Blood?
    Nalia: And what's next, slaughtering an orphanage for the greater good?
    Nalia: I will not walk down that road.
    Nalia: I will not do things your way, murderer.
    Sarevok: I did not agree to tolerate YOU.
    Luna: CUT IT.
    Sendany: How exactly is it prudent to leave Yaga-Shura immortal?
    Sarevok: I would assume Balthazar and Illasera are already taking care of that.
    Sendany: And if not?
    Sarevok: If not, it's probably because they're counting on a trio of dimwits to make the attempt in order to save a sorry city.
    Luna: Quartet.
    Sarevok: Bah.

    The doorbell rings.

    Sandra: I'll get it.
    David: It's not your house.
    Sandra: Yeah, and if it isn't who I'm expecting, then I'll direct the honored guest to the Lord of the Level.
    David: You'd better.

    Sally: Hey guys!
    Andy: Hey.
    Johnny: Hi.
    David: Oh, hey.
    Peter: Hey.
    Sally: Sandra said I could watch you guys play, is that cool?
    David: By all means, just let me find you a chair.
    Sally: Wow! So are you killing evil dragons?
    Sandra: Eh...
    Andy: We're more in the business of insulting their accents, actually.
    Sally: An important duty, to be sure.
    Sandra: Okay, but wait.
    Sandra: Wait wait wait.
    Peter: What?

    Sandra: Why doesn't Sally have her own color?
    Sandra: JJ got one for his very first line!
    Sandra: SEXIST AUTHOR.
    Sandra: Well? Hello? Is she getting a color?
    Sandra: I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!
    Peter: Um-
    Sandra: Don't you speak for him.
    Sandra: Don't you dare.
    Peter: He doesn't really speak.
    Peter: Maybe if Sally does however, we'll see if she has one?
    Sally: Uh, hi? Again...
    Andy: Problem solved.
    Sandra: It's NOT solved he gave her red color.
    Sandra: Prejudiced piece of shit.
    Sally: I don't mind red.
    Sally: Oh wow it's pink now?
    Sandra: See that's even worse.
    Andy: Maybe you shouldn't read so much into the colors... ma cheri.
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: Not fair.
    Sally: Can't I look like this?
    David: Um, probably not.
    Sandra: Wow it really is prejudice if she cannot.
    David: It's not about that really.
    David: Do you have any idea how many characters are involved in formatting that name?
    David: We'd have to chop up even the shortest episodes simply to not exceed the post character limit. This one became a two-poster as it is.
    Sandra: Ugh.
    Sandra: You 'kay with red then?
    Sally: Yeah sure.
    Sally: Huh.
    Sally: Ah there it is.

    Sally: So anyway... I hope I wasn't interrupting.
    Sandra: Oh no, we were just arguing.
    Sandra: See, we need to stop a bunch of bad guys, and JJ thinks we should just let them fight each other.
    Sandra: But the rest of us don't want to sit idly while innocents are caught in the crossfire.
    Johnny: Someone neglected to mention that more innocents will die if any of these bad guys win.
    Sandra: Striking at the most powerful of them would therefore be very prudent.
    Johnny: No, letting him kill the others would be.
    David: This is not an argument to be had OOC.
    Sally: Wazzat mean?
    Sandra: Out of character, like, not roleplaying.

    Sally circles the table, studying the character sheets.

    Sally: Okay but what's with this taco thing?
    Sally: JJ has like this huuuge taco debt.
    Sally: And Andy isn't doing too well either.
    Sally: Oh wow you have many tacos David.
    Sally: Is this like Medieval Mexican Monopoly?
    Sally: Hey Sandra, even you are pretty low on tacos.
    Sandra: They're not tacos.
    Sally: Well you're still pretty low.
    Sandra: Small numbers are good in this case.
    Sally: Oooo.
    Sally: So tacos are evil?
    Peter: Hahaha.
    David: Here, read the handbook.
    Sally: That's a looot of taco recipes.
    David: Not a single one, actually.
    Sally: ...
    Sally: Eh.
    Sally: I'm sorry, please continue.
    Sally: Though I think you should go with JJ's idea. His dude has the least tacos so he's the least evil. This Sarevok must be the epitome of chivalry and righteousness.
    Sally: And this Nalia, SO MANY TACOS. Scum of the earth and spawn of hell.
    Peter: Hahahaha.
    Andy: *grins*
    Sandra: Sally, perhaps you could at least read our alignments.
    Sally: I'm not sure I can trust you Sandra, you're flirting with darkness too.
    Sandra: Apparently my character is, yeah.
    Andy: Please, the only darkness you would flirt with is 90% cocoa content chocolate.
    Andy: Both in and out of character.

    Peter: Is Sarevok's point conceded?
    Sandra: Not really.
    David: No.
    Sally: But his tacos!
    Johnny: BUT MY TACOS.
    Sandra: Yes, his tacos.
    Andy: Hahaha.
    Andy: I'm sorry but I gotta let Johnny have this one.
    David: Come on, separate OOC and IC.
    David: You managed for almost an entire episode before.
    Sandra: Well it is a pretty funny way to solve this.
    Sandra: I'll agree if Sally gets to choose what we do while biding our time.
    David: Gods no that's a terrible idea.
    David: ...sorry, Sally.
    Sally: Scum of the earth can't offend me, don't worry.
    Sally: I think Sarevok should teach you degenerates about good and purity by taking you on a quest for true love!
    Sally: But not for any of your dudes!
    Sally: It must be for two other people.
    Andy: *grins*
    Sandra: Hahaha.
    Johnny: I'm rather undecided about this support...
    Peter: Hahahaha.
    Peter: Okay, you might as well agree to it, lest I railroad you into that quest anyway.
    David: Yeah whatever.
    Peter: Oh you smiled there.
    David: I did not!
    Peter: As it happens, I have just the right quest in mind.
    Peter: It's probably something you might have expected would be a quest, yet isn't.

    DM: The party agrees to wait out the storm and let the Five kill each other.
    DM: Still, there's no reason you can't do good in the meantime, so long as you do not interfere.
    DM: The... uh...
    DM: The knightly and noble Sarevok senses that such an endeavor awaits them in the Gates District of Athkatla!
    David: (Almost said it with a straight face.)
    Sarevok: Um, yes. By my negative taco treasure.
    DM: You can ask the Pocket Plane to take you there, but as Sarevok well knows, it doesn't take you where you want to go.
    Sarevok: A question of willpower.
    Sarevok: It will take us there.
    DM: It does... but the forced spell warps time around you.
    DM: When you arrive, it is morning... one week later.
    Sarevok: ...
    Sarevok: Right, listen up dimwits.
    Sarevok: I mean, squires.
    Sarevok: In a world of war and chaos, love is more important than ever.
    Sally: JJ your voice is so weird.
    Sally: Your words feel forced.
    Sarevok: And my... noble heart, detects that somewhere here we could aid such a worthy cause as love.
    Nalia: Um, yeah. It's not exactly difficult. There's poverty all around.
    Sally: David, don't pretend you're already a good person.
    Sally: It takes time for someone to change. Redemption happens one taco at a time.
    Sally: Also the quest was not to end poverty.

    Andy: Hahaha.
    Johnny: The things Sarevok has to do for a second shot at godhood.
    Sandra: Sally, if you would like to join the adventure, create a character.
    Sally: Omygod where do I start?
    Sandra: By filling out this character sheet.
    Sandra: And preferably not interjecting ALL the time while we play.
    Sally: Right, right.
    Sandra: Remember to use the handbook for reference and rules.
    Sally: Gotcha.

    Luna: Great and noble Sarevok, might we check the tavern we so conveniently appeared outside?
    Sarevok: No really, you figured that out.
    Sarevok: Uh... I mean.
    Sarevok: Good thinking, squire.
    DM: As you enter the inn, a man immediately shouts that one Aulava and one Tiiro are breaking up.
    DM: You get the feeling it is big news.
    Sarevok: I'll cut out your tongue if you don't shut up.
    Sarevok: ...
    Sarevok: It grieves me to hear that. Who are they?
    DM: If you don't know who they are you're obviously not from around here, he replies.
    Sarevok: I asked who are they, you toad-throated siren.
    Sarevok: Gahhh.
    DM: They're two young lovers who obviously shouldn't be seeing each other. Bad for their families.
    Sarevok: Let's kill their families.
    Sendany: Still working out the finer points of chivalry and righteousness, are we.
    Sarevok: Well there better be killing at some point.
    Sarevok: Why is it bad for their families?
    DM: He doesn't intend to explain that, but warns you he might have to involve the guards if they change their minds about the breakup.

    Sally: Hey Sandra, can you help me with that mathy trick you use to write a ton of zeroes without using much space.
    Sandra: Powers of ten?
    Sally: Yeah that.
    Sandra: Um, you're supposed to roll for your attributes and derive your stats from those and-
    Sally: Omygod DERIVE. I can't handle powers and you expect me to DERIVE?
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: Just roll for your attributes and I'll work the rest out.
    Sally: Aw come on just remind me how to write it.
    Sandra: You can't have stats so high that you need scientific notation to fit them into the sheet.
    Sally: Omygod I'll just google this.
    Sandra: *shrugs*

    Sarevok: The way I see it, we get to kill some guards just by meddling.
    Sarevok: I mean, I hope it doesn't get to that.
    Sarevok: Um...
    Sarevok: How do we go about meddling anyway? Where are they?
    Sendany: Okay, firstly.
    Sendany: *opens hidden door*
    Sendany: Go kill the lich, so that your bloodlust is sated for the time being.
    Sally: Hey don't try to corrupt the noble knight!
    Sally: I know you're pretty low on tacos Andy but you still can't give him commands.
    David: Also, liches don't bleed...
    Sandra: *eyeroll*
    Sendany: Right.
    Sendany: Let's just hope the lich stays in there then, while we...
    Luna: Yes?
    Sendany: Not allowed to give commands.
    Sarevok: Oh, this is a welcome side effect.
    Sarevok: Squires, make me a sandwich.
    Sendany: Up yours.
    Sarevok: Ah, of course. Up! Upstairs, let's look there.
    DM: You encounter a young man and a woman, and can't help but overhear their conversation.
    DM: The tone is despondent as they seem on the verge of agreeing that a breakup is for the best...
    Sarevok: I could kill one of them to make it permanent.
    Sarevok: Um.
    Sarevok: Love is all that matters!
    DM: Is it though? Even when it gets you in trouble with your family?
    Sarevok: Yes!
    Sarevok: Go fuck in the street and I'll cut down any who protest!
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Pardon his enthusiasm. My name is Luna.
    Nalia: I'm Nalia.
    Sally: David, your evil witch is messing the quest up.
    David: Why don't you focus on your character sheet?
    Sally: Hmf. Noble Sarevok will triumph, even if you keep me out.
    DM: They introduce themselves as Tiiro and Aulava, both eying Sarevok warily.
    Sendany: (Hehe ow lava.)
    Sendany: (In case you forgot it's hot.)
    Luna: I agree that you shouldn't break up over practicalities. If you love each other, what else matters?
    DM: They didn't ask for your advice.
    Johnny: (They're not supposed to be dismissive of input.)
    Peter: (You're not supposed to tell them to go fuck in the street.)
    Nalia: For perspective, imagine marrying entirely for political reasons.
    Nalia: I can tell you it brings you no joy.
    DM: Marriage is such a big word.
    Sally: Daaaaaaaaaviiiiiiid, you're ruining the queeeeest.
    David: *sigh*
    David: Even if I am, this is about expressing our characters, not compromising them in order to rack up the largest number of completed quests, which is a video game mechanic anyway and far more flexible here.
    Sally: Blah blah blah.
    Sally: Let JJ express his and learn from his example.
    David: Okay, I will learn from his example.

    Post edited by enqenq on
    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    (continued)

    Nalia: At least not nearly as much joy as fucking in the street while a murderous lunatic cuts down any who protest.
    Sandra: HAHAHA!
    Peter: Hahahaha.
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Sally: Omygod that was terrible advice and not funny at all.
    Sandra: How's your character coming along?
    Sally: I only need a name.
    Sandra: So, like 10% done?
    Sally: That's a bit generous...
    Andy: How about Sallysstra Melarn.
    Sandra: Andy.
    Andy: Hehe.

    DM: I'm letting that one slide.
    Luna: It is, but surely you have entertained the idea.
    DM: The silence of guilt.
    Luna: What is so wrong about your love?
    DM: Their parents think they are a bad influence on each other.
    Luna: Pfah, parents. You're young. If your love is a mistake, it's not the last you'll ever have.
    Luna: Listen to your hearts, and when the night is dark, Selûne will still smile upon your love.
    DM: They're a little shocked you dared mention Selûne, but-
    Luna: Did I say something wrong?
    DM: You said Selûne.
    Luna: And why is that wrong?
    DM: All gods are outlawed save the Unseeing Eye.
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: Well, I suppose that would have made good pastime too.
    Luna: No matter, how might we be of assistance?
    DM: They didn't request any assistance.
    Sendany: We, we, always we.
    Sendany: (Or well, they.)
    Sendany: Never just one of you talking, apparently.
    Sendany: Always in agreement, speaking with one voice.
    Sendany: How could it be right for you to be separated?

    Peter: ...
    Peter: Well played.
    Peter: How to abuse a lazy author who cannot be bothered to let Tiiro and Aulava speak individually because he'd feel compelled to give them colors, by Andy Carter.
    Andy: I'm gonna use a way shorter title for that book.

    DM: By the Orifice Oracle, you are correct!
    Luna: By the what...?
    DM: They will not be deterred.
    DM: They will shout their love out on the street.
    DM: Just shout though, mind you.
    Sarevok: I'll protect you.
    Sendany: Oh yeah, dangerous business.
    DM: As you step into the street, a poison tornado catches you by surprise and-

    Sandra: Okay okay okay okay.
    David: *facepalm*
    Sandra: A TORNADO is not something that just sneaks up on you.
    David: At least she knows that much about them...
    Sandra: Shut up.
    Peter: Well, if any of you had actually made any effort to-
    Sandra: You'd need to make an effort to NOT notice a tornado's approach.
    Peter: Jeez.
    Peter: Can you just roll with it, I'm just trying to get you out of the city.
    Sandra: Yeah well try harder.
    Peter: Very well.

    DM: There's a trail of chocolate leading-
    Luna: OKAY WE FOLLOW THIS TRAIL EVERYONE.
    Luna: THE LOVEBIRDS TOO.
    Sarevok: If I'm taking orders, does that mean I don't have to pretend to be chivalrous anymore?
    Sendany: There's a fine line between not pretending to be chivalrous and slaughtering everything in sight.
    Sarevok: Hmm.
    DM: As the city becomes a silhouette on the horizon behind you, a poison tornado-
    Sandra: NO.
    Peter: Let me finish for fuck's sake.
    DM: A poison tornado ravages the land, headed straight for Athkatla.
    DM: The party is safe.
    DM: Tiiro remarks that the Unseeing Eye promised to keep the city safe from these tornadoes.
    Luna: Just how is it that the Unseeing Eye gained such influence?
    DM: Well, after a tornado or two wreaked havoc in Athkatla, Talos fell out of favor. I mean, even more out of favor.
    DM: And Helm's followers have all left the city, so while not impopular, the Vigilant One is not actively supported either.
    DM: The paladins went with them, so Torm and Tyr are in the same boat.
    DM: So yeah there's Lathander and Ilmater and some more but the Unseeing Eye has too many followers for them to handle.
    DM: Actually, even Ilmater is in a little bit of trouble, due to um... creative naming.
    Luna: But we killed the beholder...
    DM: A mystery to be explored later.
    DM: For now, the sight of a dragon headed for the party demands everyone's attention.
    Sarevok: WEAPONS!
    DM: Muscles tense and spells at the ready, you watch as the dragon makes an ungraceful landing.
    DM: This blue wyrm is wounded and struggling to regain breath and hasn't noticed you...
    DM: Now it has.
    Sarevok: Blue dragon?
    Sarevok: Abazigal.
    DM: Oh, for the record, the lovebirds ran the fuck away.

    Sarevok: ATTACK!
    Luna: No.
    Sendany: Stay your hand, Sarevok.
    Nalia: *hard stare*
    Sarevok: This is one of the Five!
    Sarevok: He wouldn't show us any mercy!
    Luna: If this is Abazigal-
    Sarevok: I can feel the taint. It is him.
    Luna: Do not interrupt.
    Luna: If this is him, then I would guess he's fled from Yaga-Shura.
    DM: Regaining composure, he overhears your discussion.
    Abazigal: BALTHAZAR!
    Abazigal: BALTHAZAR!!!
    Luna: I'm sure it's not beyond you to take on a more approachable shape... Abazigal?
    DM: He shifts into an ugly humanoid form.
    Abazigal: Balthazar.
    Luna: What about him?
    Sarevok: Let me do the talking, dimwit.
    Luna: You're-
    Sarevok: -at least acquainted with the Five.
    Sarevok: I see Yaga-Shura indeed proved invulnerable, Abazigal.
    Abazigal: Balthazar has tricked the fool of a giant into doing his bidding.
    Abazigal: Sendai is worthless and Illasera has vanished.
    Abazigal: And what's more, Balthazar's mercenaries have added to the defenses of Yaga-Shura's fortress in the Marching Mountains.
    Abazigal: If he has a weakness, the secret is well guarded.
    Abazigal: My allies are crippled and my forces spent.
    Abazigal: And amidst all this, I find YOU, Sarevok, alive and tainted once again, yet doing WHAT to achieve godhood?
    Abazigal: Waiting us out?
    Sarevok: ...
    Sendany: Ah, this particular shade of silence sounds like "this was a terrible idea".
    Abazigal: I thought you to be of a tactical mind. Yaga-Shura can only be in one place.
    Abazigal: Whether he was after me or you didn't matter so long as the other one was working to dismantle his defenses.
    Abazigal: Even the fool Sendai understood this, but what power has she with drow numbers decimated?
    Sarevok: Do you have a suggestion?
    Abazigal: I found you only by chance, you pathetic human. I can be neither distraction nor hammer in any scheme against Balthazar now.
    Nalia: How many murders to your name, Abazigal?
    Abazigal: I've not fallen so low as to be addressed by your consort, Sarevok.
    Sarevok: She's not my-
    Nalia: HOW MANY.
    Nalia: How much death and misery has your campaign caused?
    Abazigal: Still your tongue, lowly manling.
    Sendany: You know, Abazigal, normally I'd insult a dragon's accent pretty fast.
    Sendany: I resisted for a long time. I thought it was self-control on my account.
    Sendany: Now I realize yours only sounds half bad.
    Sendany: Because you are only half dragon.
    Sendany: You mongrel half-breed.
    Abazigal: Those insolent words shall be your last!

    Five rounds, one protest-averted poison tornado surprise and one dead dragon later...

    Luna: I thought you said the Five were the most powerful of Bhaalspawn.
    Sarevok: Bah. Yaga-Shura softened him up for us.
    Luna: Still he thought he could win.
    Sarevok: No, he just gave in to rage.
    Sarevok: ...
    Sendany: Yeah.
    Luna: So what do we do about the giant?
    Sarevok: Balthazar is clearly the puppet master here. If we strike at him-

    Sally: YES!
    Sally: I've got it!
    Sally: Okay I dunno who this Illasera is that you keep mentioning.
    Sally: But I'm her sister Yllasera.
    Sally: 'cause Yllas is Sally backwards and yeah...
    Sally: Okay can I play now?
    Sandra: Um...
    Sandra: Show me your character sheet.
    Sandra: *blinks*
    Sandra: Sally I told you you can't have stats like these.
    Sally: Yes and I heard you, but I figured I should get some newbie bonuses.
    Sandra: We're not playing against each other.
    Sally: Huh, doesn't always sound like you aren't.
    Sally: But look how many tacos I have. I'm so evil you cannot possibly have me in your group.
    Sandra: *scratches head*
    Sandra: Times 10 to the power of... 9999?
    Sandra: You're so incompetent you could stand on a tiny raft in the middle of an ocean, aim at a wave and 19 times out of 20 not even manage to hit water.
    Sally: But I have 5000 dexterity!
    David: *chokes on drink*
    Peter: There's newbie bonus and there's...
    Sally: Yeah it sounded a little crazy so I compensated with a modest 200 charisma.
    Sandra: Yeah modest.
    Andy: What class did you pick?
    Sandra: Business...
    Andy: Bahaha.
    Andy: And HD?
    Johnny: HD of business class is the mile high club.
    Peter: Oh snap.
    Sandra: Your strength isn't even a number.
    Sally: I think "lots" is clear enough.
    Sandra: Do you think you gave yourself lots of charisma?
    Sally: Not really.
    Sandra: Yeah, then there's the problem that if you miss a swing, which you usually will, your punch will shatter the planet.
    Sally: Omygod the complaints.
    Sally: FACE ME.
    Peter: Let me see that sheet.

    Peter: Intelligence... "smart".
    Peter: Wisdom... a stick figure?
    Sally: It's supposed to be the Dalai Lama.
    Peter: Right...
    Peter: Well, for all your wild values, your level at least makes sense.
    David: What is it?
    Peter: Ten.
    Sally: I dunno, I wanted to leave some room for improvement yanno?
    David: Does her health make sense?
    Peter: Is it enough if I say she used tetration to denote it?
    David: *rolls eyes*
    Peter: Hmm.
    Peter: Hmmmmm.
    Peter: Sally, could you pick a real class at least?
    Sally: Umm...
    Sandra: Here's the list.
    Sally: Okay mage.
    David: I declare refreshment time while she picks her spells.
    David: (And I hope you don't intend to let her actually impact the campaign with that spawn of Pun-Pun.)
    Peter: (Nah, not much.)

    Peter: JJ, here's a deal for you.
    Peter: If you can single-handedly kill Yllasera-
    Johnny: What.
    Johnny: Surely you meant to say Illasera, because there's no way I can kill that freak.
    Peter: If you can do it, I will not stop Sarevok from achieving godhood.
    Peter: If you beat the campaign, and maneuver the rest of us out, that can be yours.
    Johnny: And just how am I supposed to kill that?
    Peter: It occurs to me that the essence came with no actual power.
    Peter: That you are still a normal Sarevok.
    Peter: I can't really give you stats or powers without feeling obliged to also take them from Gorion's Ward, but I can give you three levels of experience.
    Johnny: Oh wow three levels.
    Johnny: I'm sure a few GWWA's are going to put her down yeah.
    Johnny: How much health again?
    Peter: Not sure there's a word for it.
    Johnny: And AC?
    Peter: Well, 5000 dexterity...
    Johnny: Yeah great thanks for the meaningless offer.
    Johnny: If she wins is Sarevok out?
    Peter: Well yeah.
    Johnny: No deal. Just don't put her in.
    Peter: Sure, David would like that, but even though she's made an absolutely ridiculous character, we can still be professional about it.
    Peter: I think she'd be more sad about not getting to play it at all than getting killed immediately, really.
    Johnny: KILLED HOW?
    Peter: I wouldn't have given you the offer if I knew there was no way.
    Peter: When she's done picking spells, I want your decision.
    Peter: Now, no touching the DM castle while I'm gone.

    Johnny: Can you believe him.
    Andy: Hehe, yeah.
    Johnny: How am I supposed to kill that??
    Andy: Well, you don't have to accept it.
    Johnny: Yeah but then he will make me look the jerk for disappointing Sally.
    Andy: You're his brother, surely-
    Johnny: Technically half, though nobody really sees us that way.
    Johnny: Of course though, genetically it matters.
    Andy: I'm sure he's going to mock you about not figuring this out.
    Johnny: Oh yes he will.
    Andy: I might help him with that.
    Johnny: What, you know what he has in mind?
    Andy: I didn't say that, it's just still going to be funny that Sarevok can't cross the finish line.
    Johnny: It would be a waste of the plot twist if he couldn't.
    Andy: Yeah, so don't waste the opportunity by hoping to trigger Deathbringer Assault on a chain of natural 20 GWWA's to win.
    Andy: It wouldn't be enough...
    Andy: And there's a much much easier way.
    Johnny: Hey you do know!
    Andy: I believe fresh air was on the menu.

    Fifteen minutes later...

    Peter: Alright, everyone refreshed and ready? Good.
    Peter: JJ?
    Johnny: Yeah.
    Peter: You know what I mean.
    Johnny: And I replied to what you meant.
    Peter: Okay.
    Peter: Sally, Yllasera is a violation to everything David holds dear.
    Peter: Newbie or not, I cannot allow a character with such astronomic power in the campaign.
    Sally: AWw.
    Peter: But, I made JJ an offer. If he can kill you, I will let Sarevok go all the way to godhood should the campaign play out that way.
    Sally: Okay?
    Peter: Not important for you. But if he fails, he has to make a new character.
    Peter: I also gave him three level ups.
    David: Hehe, clever.
    Peter: Thank you.
    Peter: JJ, you accept?
    Johnny: Assuming nobody's going to give Sally advice, yeah.
    Sally: That's okay I don't need any.
    Sandra: Right, right...
    Sally: Okay let's fight!

    Peter: Sally, you go first.
    Sally: OMYGOD WHAT AN EMBODIMENT OF VIRTUE I REPENT I REPENT.
    Peter: ...
    Peter: You're supposed to fight him.
    Sally: But he's so good and noble I just can't, I'm so sorry for all the evil I've done and I promise to be a saint henceforth.
    David: Redemption happens one taco at a time.
    Sally: Fiiiine.
    Sally: Okay so I can cast spells at him riiiight?
    Sandra: Actually, you should-
    Johnny: NO.
    Sandra: ...never mind.
    Sally: Mmm mmm mmm.
    Sally: Okay I cast this Hold Undead thing.
    Sally: Now he has to go hug a ghoul right?
    Sandra: ...no.
    Sally: Omygod why not. I take it back.
    Sally: Oookay.
    Sally: I cast Protection From Fire! Yeah!
    Peter: Right... Yllasera lowers her own fire resistance from 99^9999 to 100.
    Peter: Sarevok's turn.
    Sally: Wait did that spell suck too?
    Peter: Oh, it's a good enough spell... but not for this occasion.
    Sally: Okay when can I cast again?
    Peter: After JJ has acted.
    Johnny: I use Greater Deathblow and attack.
    Peter: 9...
    Peter: 17.
    Peter: 15.
    Sandra: Whew, you're betting everything on a natural 20 here?
    Johnny: Sheesh no.
    Peter: Yllasera's turn.
    Sally: YAHHHH.
    Sally: MONSTER SUMMONING I.
    Sally: FEAR MY DRAGON!
    Peter: Um... you summoned a few kobolds.
    Sally: FEAR MY KOBOLDS!
    Peter: Kobolds are not scary.
    David: Be CAREFUL with it.
    Peter: Oh wow so touchy.
    David: It is a thing that should not BE.
    Sandra: Shut up you two.
    Sally: Omygod you said my character was overpowered but it seems everything I do sucks.
    Peter: Like I said, if you punched the ground you'd shatter the planet.
    Peter: It seems you won't get that chance now... JJ?
    Johnny: Critical Strike.
    Peter: Hit and kill.
    Peter: Well, crit and kill, for what it matters.
    Sandra: Hey, how did it kill?
    Peter: Greater Deathblow lasts 2 rounds.
    Sandra: Oh.
    David: It's okay to not know what that godawful ability does.
    Sally: Omygod Yllasera died?
    Peter: I'm afraid so. If you'd like, we could help you create a proper-
    Sally: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
    Sally: The noble knight Sarevok put down the evil and powerful Yllasera!
    Sandra: You're not sad?
    Sally: Nahhh.
    Sally: Truth is, I've been here too long already. I was just gonna watch for a bit and then hit the dancefloor, really.
    Sally: So this was cool and all but maybe not for me yanno?
    Sally: Hey maybe I'll pop in some other time with a boatload of tacos!
    Sally: And then we can all become a bit less evil huh?

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Ancient technology

    Luna: So...
    Luna: I believe striking at Balthazar was mentioned.
    Sarevok: It's our best shot.
    Sendany: It's our best shot? Someone's arrogance has been dented.
    Sarevok: Shut your mouth.
    Nalia: So we left the people of Saradush to die for nothing.
    Sarevok: If-
    Nalia: NOTHING.
    Sarevok: Grr.
    Sarevok: If we're going to pretend I knew all this would happen, then don't shrug off our trivial defeat of Abazigal.
    Nalia: I don't CARE how many of the Five are dead or alive!
    Sarevok: Well you SHOULD care, because we would have our hands full and more if we sought to stop all the suffering they cause rather than cutting the snakes off at their heads!
    Nalia: ...
    Luna: Enough.
    Nalia: I suppose indirectly tolerating the suffering-
    Luna: ENOUGH.
    DM: You are reminded of the lovely young couple you convinced to stay together.
    DM: The thought of their true love lifts your spirits and invokes amorous thoughts.
    DM: Even if they, like victims of a pandemic that has claimed 90% of every world real and imaginable, are hopeless idiots who cannot tell love from lust and affection from attraction.
    DM: If Aulava became deformed or Tiiro a eunuch-

    Sandra: Yeah we get it.
    Peter: This infests pop culture too. Lust is not a dirty thing to be dignified by calling it love and love is not to be cheapened by-
    Sandra: Yes milord poet I know how you feel about this subject.
    Sandra: But you're DM'ing now so amen.
    Peter: Okay but you get it stop bitching start kissing.
    David: Jeez.

    Sarevok: Nalia, I have been a jerk. Allow me to humiliate myself in a comedic fashion to win your heart back.
    Nalia: ...
    Nalia: GO AWAY.
    Sarevok: Milady, you wound me!
    Nalia: I wish.
    Sarevok: Your wish is my command.
    Nalia: Impale yourself on your sword.
    Sarevok: Oh I could, but it is not sharp.
    Sarevok: If you catch my drift.
    Nalia: QUALITY pickup line right there.
    Sarevok: Ah, I see a different approach is required.
    Sarevok: Luna, did you eat the entire five mile trail of chocolate?
    Luna: Duh?
    Sarevok: Very well, um... flowers!
    Nalia: Those are weeds.
    Sarevok: Roses are red and violets are blue and violet sounds like violent and-
    Sarevok: Wait wait let me try again.
    Sarevok: Turtles are slow and cheetahs are fast, I wanna kill the whole world but I will save you for last?
    Nalia: Oh yeah I'm blushing now.
    Sarevok: THERE we go.
    Nalia: Detect sarcasm much?
    DM: Okay clearly I need to help here.
    DM: Suddenly, a sunset!

    Sandra: HAHAHA!
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Johnny: Good one bro.
    David: Why is that funny but not the tornadoes?
    Sandra: I dunno, it's just...
    Sandra: It was morning when we arrived in Athkatla...
    Sandra: I mean, this is like saying SUDDENLY A LOT OF TIME PASSED.
    David: Yeah well this is bullshit.

    Sarevok: Oh Nalia, the sun sets but my world is no less bright.
    Nalia: Probably because you're imagining a fireball to the face.
    Sarevok: I want you to have my babies.
    David: Okay you win I quit the party.
    David: That means I need to approach charname...
    Peter: No fuck you.
    DM: TORNADO AMBUSH CATCHES NALIA ONLY.

    David: ???
    David: Can you take your DM duties seriously?
    Peter: Surely you realize that Nalia stopped having comedy value after we'd made fun of her skill points and made you uncomfortable about JJ hitting on you because even you cannot perfectly separate OOC and IC.
    Peter: And what's more-
    David: Fuck you I'll play Keldorn.
    Peter: Really?
    Peter: Where would you like the tornado to drop you?
    David: Really?
    Peter: As I was going to say, you just DECIDED they wanted Nalia in the party. You just told them to summon her.
    Peter: You really think they would summon a fucking PALADIN next?
    David: I don't see why you think Nalia is incompatible with the party.
    Peter: Because she's having the hardest time seeing the necessity of Sarevok's decisions.
    Peter: You can leave the party but no approaching charname.
    Peter: And that goes for your replacement character too.
    David: I'm not gonna be bullied out like this.
    Peter: I'll make you a SWEET DEAL.
    David: All ears.
    Peter: I'm not gonna fuck you over if you play Yoshimo.
    Peter: Think about it, the guy is wide open for interpretation.
    Peter: Everything he did he did to stay in the party for the geas' sake.
    Peter: Let's just say he slipped out of it due to... well I'll think of something if it bothers you, but surely the altered SoA campaign has room for it.
    David: Hmm, but then we won't have a wizard.
    Peter: We had no fighter for two campaigns, I'm sure we'll manage.
    Johnny: Um actually I just realized that's a really big deal.
    Johnny: We really really really need a wizard.
    David: Well it's a shame Nalia feels so unappreciated then, isn't it?
    David: Okay, I'll play Yoshimo.
    Johnny: David, why not play Edwin?
    David: Yeah I can feel the Nether Scroll appearing in my hands within the hour, and we all know what happens next.
    Peter: Hehehe.
    Johnny: Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
    Johnny: Let me find us a wizard.
    Peter: Um, no.
    Peter: Also, a certain scroll will be mysteriously unavailable at all magic shops.
    Johnny: But I had the best solution dammit.
    Peter: Yes, but go about it in a more narratively satisfying way.
    Johnny: What way is that??
    Peter: You think on that.
    Peter: Now, let's get back to the adventure.

    Yoshimo: Hey guys I will casually accept any course of action as long as I get to stay in the party and you eventually seek out Irenicus.
    Yoshimo: Whoops.
    Yoshimo: Yoshimo is excited to take an active part in the Bhaalspawn conflict.
    Sendany: Well met.
    Luna: Welcome along.
    Sarevok: Why aren't you a wizard you useless fuck.
    Yoshimo: Begging your pardon?
    Sarevok: Never mind.
    Sarevok: With any luck, Balthazar will be in Amkethran, surrounded by his monks and mercenaries.
    Sarevok: With no luck, Yaga-Shura too is guarding the town.
    Sarevok: In which case, I suppose we might hope the plane can take us to his fortress on a whim...
    Sarevok: But it's not being all that cooperative.
    Sarevok: Still, if we-

    Peter: *phone rings*
    Sandra: No, no.
    Sandra: Please.
    Peter: Wait... I have to take this.
    Peter: *heads upstairs*
    Andy: You look devastated, ma cheri. It's not like it interrupted anything imp-
    Sandra: Quiet. Just... quiet.
    Andy: Huh.
    Sandra: That ringtone is for a certain caller only...
    Sandra: One who rarely has good news.
    Sandra: *heads upstairs*

    Andy: ...
    Andy: You guys don't look confused.
    David: We aren't.
    Andy: So...
    Johnny: Sandra hasn't told you, eh.
    Andy: Told me what?
    Johnny: About her sister.
    Andy: She has a sister?
    Johnny: Nope.
    Andy: ...
    Andy: I'm still confused.
    Johnny: Her sister died in a disease with some weird name I can never remember.
    Johnny: But Peter's mother has it too.
    Andy: I take it you have your father in common?
    Johnny: Yup.
    Andy: Huh.
    David: That's how those two met and that's why they are incredibly close to each other, no matter how much they argue around this table.
    Johnny: Closer than you and Sandra, if you'll forgive me pointing it out.
    Andy: Eh. I guess that makes sense.
    David: That's not to say you're not helping.
    Andy: Eh?
    David: Well, it used to be that Sandra played to lose herself in the story. Like me, I guess.
    David: But a little to my chagrin, she seems to appreciate pranks more now, likely due to your relaxed attitude.
    Andy: Yeah, it doesn't help my relaxed attitude that you're making me blush.
    Johnny: Hahaha.
    David: Hehe.
    Andy: Since we're being all therapeutic, why, would you say, does Peter play?
    David: As someone painfully aware of how the story ends...
    David: He likes to feel he has the power to change it.
    Andy: Riiight...
    Andy: Damn, this got too deep.
    Johnny: Yeah...
    Johnny: Your mom said that too.
    David: Hehe.
    Andy: My mom's dead.
    Johnny: Uh...
    Andy: HAHA got you.
    Johnny: Man I hate when people do that.
    Andy: Hehehe.

    Sandra: Okay guys, Peter's gone to the hospital.
    David: Thought you'd go with him.
    Sandra: Yeah, so did I, but he just wouldn't let me.
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Sandra: Andy... I guess nobody told you, but-
    David: We told him just now.
    Sandra: Ah, okay.
    Sandra: Sorry... it just never seemed like the right time.
    Andy: It's okay.
    Sandra: *smiles*
    Sandra: You're just okay with everything, aren't you.
    Andy: Well, I wouldn't try sending me back and forth between the bar and our table with Piña Chocolada prototypes too many times.
    Sandra: Oh come on baby, the first date should be memorable.
    Sandra: *winks*
    Andy: Hehe.
    Sandra: So... he asked me to DM while he's gone.
    David: How long?
    Sandra: I don't know. They're gonna put her to sleep and do some surgery which may or may not help.
    Sandra: I guess he'll stay until he knows if it did help, at least.

    Sandra: Anyway... he said to prepare for a shock when checking out the DM tools?
    David: Oh, yeah.
    David: The thing we argued about.
    Sandra: What is it? I don't see anything special here.
    David: Maybe he hid it.
    Sandra: Well what am I looking for?
    David: ...
    David: I don't want everyone to know.
    Sandra: Goodness anyone walking past the DM castle might see it anyway.
    David: It's...
    David: A three-sided die.
    Sandra: Really that's nothing remarkable.
    Sandra: It's just some needlessly complicated shape of a die which exists only to squeeze money out of idiots who cannot just use a normal die and divide the evens by 2.
    David: No, this is a die with only three, perfectly defined sides.
    Sandra: That's not geometrically possible.
    Sandra: The minimum amount of sides on an object with only clearly defined sides is four.
    Sandra: You cannot remove a side from a four-sided die and keep it three-dimensional.
    David: *shows the die*
    Sandra: *gasps*
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: How...
    Sandra: This is a thing that should not be!
    Johnny: Okay okay really great acting.
    Johnny: Let me see the-
    Johnny: *gasps*
    Johnny: I...
    David: Are the skeptics satisfied?
    David: Andy, want to take a look?
    Andy: No, either you're all messing with me or I'll have nightmares.
    Andy: I'm not looking.
    Sandra: Yeah... sure...
    Sandra: Aaaanyway... I've got an idea for a meaningless side quest that should keep you occupied.
    Sandra: Not related to the plot at all... I don't wanna risk damaging his grand scheme.
    Sandra: Just for the record though, Luna is still with the party, even if she's not participating in the quest.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    (continued)

    DM: ...and you must bring to the gnome, two largely identical pieces of ancient technology.
    Yoshimo: An academic adventure, eh.
    Sarevok: Bah.
    Sendany: More specifically?
    DM: You'll know them when you see them.
    DM: He marks the location on your map.
    Johnny: Even if this doesn't affect the plot, the time wasted will.
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Sandra: Fine, main plot time is frozen.
    DM: You arrive at the site. It is an inconspicuous meadow in a tranquil forest. There is a cart loaded with various items.
    Sarevok: Let's go through that pile of junk.
    Sarevok: OW!
    DM: Two thieves and no one bothered to check for traps...
    DM: You find an axe, a hammer, a compass, a sundial, a scythe-

    Andy: Does the item itself have to be ancient, or just the concept of it?
    Sandra: Just the concept.
    Sandra: You don't need to determine the age of the items.
    Andy: Good, good.
    Andy: Well... all of those sounded pretty ancient to me.
    Sandra: I wasn't even done listing them.
    Johnny: Yeah but the gnome wanted two "largely identical" pieces.
    Johnny: Any pairs of anything in that cart?
    Sandra: In the cart? Nope.
    Johnny: So it's meaningless to go through it.
    David: We're being needlessly OOC here.

    Yoshimo: Perhaps there is something in the vicinity which has a double among the items in the cart.
    Sendany: I suppose. Let's see if we can find anything.
    Sarevok: I refuse.
    Sendany: Feel free, but we're not getting anywhere until we find the requested items.
    Sarevok: Hmf.
    DM: Yoshimo finds rocks, twigs, roots and acorns.
    DM: Sendany finds the same things, in a different order.

    Johnny: Don't the branches count as ancient technology.
    Johnny: They could be used as clubs.
    Sandra: No, the objects need to have been shaped by human hands somehow.
    Sandra: Or well, any civilized race.

    Sarevok: Evidently whatever we're looking for is not hidden in plain sight.
    Sarevok: If it were something in the cart or on the ground, the gnome could have sent any bored idiot.
    Sarevok: For the lack of caves or ruins here, I would assume our prize is simply buried, and guarded by something powerful.
    Johnny: And given that Sarevok is the smartest character in this party, you should concede his point.
    Andy: Sorry to disappoint you...
    Andy: *shows character sheet*
    Johnny: What.
    Johnny: Why would you get that much on a thief??
    Johnny: Which edition are we playing again?
    David: JJ.
    Johnny: Okay if I'm not the smartest anyway I want to fix my stats.
    David: You're complaining about SAREVOK's stats?
    Johnny: Idiot stopped at 17 dexterity.
    Johnny: Just trade some useless int for it, Sandra.
    Sandra: Um, no.
    Johnny: Um, yes.
    Sandra: JJ.
    Johnny: What.
    Sandra: Remember your archer from a couple of years ago... what was his name again?
    Johnny: Oh, doesn't ring a bell.
    Sandra: The name was-
    Johnny: Nope nope nope.
    Sandra: Argan the Foolslayer.
    Johnny: Noooooooope.
    Sandra: I believe it became Droolslayer pretty fast...
    Johnny: Never heard of this guy.
    Sandra: Well I'm happy to refresh your memory.
    Sandra: Argan had 22 dexterity and 3 intelligence.
    Sandra: He had the keenest aim in the realms... but no object permanence, so if an enemy hid behind a tree, he thought he'd killed it, and when it reappeared he laughed like a baby instead of firing at it.
    Sandra: We all thought that JJ had learned that intelligence is not a dump stat for any class after that.
    Johnny: Jeez just a few points...
    Sandra: Not gonna happen.
    Andy: Great story, but, I think Sendany might concede Sarevok's point nevertheless.

    Sendany: Yeah... is there a spade in that cart?
    DM: There's one, yes.
    Sendany: Sarevok, get to work.
    Sarevok: Did I hear that right?
    Sendany: It was your idea, and you have the best physique.
    Sarevok: You expect me to perform menial labor? I'd sooner dig your heart out of your chest.
    Sendany: *shrugs*
    Sendany: This is an interesting twig...
    Yoshimo: Perhaps we could hire some help? No matter who grabs that spade, there's a lot of dirt to turn here.
    Sarevok: Hmm.
    Sendany: Agreed.

    Sandra: Uh, you're gonna hire an excavation team?
    Andy: Yes.
    Sandra: Wow, okay.
    Andy: No campaign is complete without us hiring a team of some sort.
    Sandra: *shrugs*
    Sandra: How many and how long?
    Johnny: That's what Andy's mom asked too.
    Andy: Haha.
    Johnny: Payback dude.

    DM: Your thirty man strong excavation team begins digging through the meadow. Sarevok oversees the operation, Sendany judges what finds are interesting and Yoshimo looks out for danger.
    DM: After several hours, you've found nothing but bones and broken pots. Even if they could be reassembled, they are not similar enough.
    Sarevok: Hey Sendany, look what I "found".
    Sarevok: Two highly identical spades!
    Sarevok: Just a little blood on them, but-
    Sandra: Goodness JJ it can't be something you or the excavation team brought to the site.
    Johnny: Wow always a new special rule whenever I solve the quest.
    Sandra: This wasn't even supposed to be the quest, sheesh.
    Sandra: Just a braincheck to see if you could be trusted with an actual quest.
    Johnny: What, were we supposed to already be done?
    Sandra: Yes, my faith in humanity dictated so.
    Johnny: But there was nothing in the cart, jeez.
    Andy: Well the cart itself counts too.
    Sandra: *lights up*
    Johnny: Yeah but there isn't another cart here.
    Andy: True, true...
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Johnny: I think she's just fooling us with this ancient technology thing.
    Johnny: It should be something from some advanced but lost civilization, like a Netherese artifact or so.
    Johnny: A pair of them I mean.
    Johnny: Yeah?
    Sandra: I'm not giving you hints.
    Sandra: Also, the workers might start missing the colleagues you needlessly killed for a pair of spades, so yeah...

    Sarevok: Work harder!
    Sarevok: Not smarter!
    Sarevok: Ask for a break and it will be your bones!
    DM: Your workers have found a coffin...
    Sarevok: Open it!

    Four workers are lost to a vampire before the party puts it down. Eight adventure days, five real-life hours, six replacement excavation teams, four vampires, two liches and one rediscovered and subsequently raided ancient crypt later, the quest still hasn't been solved.

    Sandra: *natural 20 facepalm*
    Sandra: YES OKAY.
    Sandra: If you can CLEANLY REMOVE two motherfucking matching pillars from the crypt and haul them back to the gnome, we'll call the quest done.
    Johnny: Jeez finally.
    David: Man what a terrible quest.
    Sandra: Terrible players.
    David: Oh yeah?
    Johnny: I think we'll need a new team again though.
    Andy: I think we've lost more workers to Sarevok's whims than to unearthed monsters...

    Someone knocks on the door.

    Sandra: Oh.
    Sandra: Let me get it.

    (the next conversation is between Sandra and Peter only)

    Sandra: Hey.
    Peter: Still playing, huh.
    Sandra: Oh yeah... it's, never mind.
    Sandra: How did it go?
    Peter: Well.
    Peter: It didn't make things worse at least.
    Sandra: I'm sorry.

    They hug.

    Peter: Did you keep them busy?
    Sandra: Heh.
    Sandra: At this rate, I could have kept them busy for a year.

    They head downstairs to the game room.

    David: You don't look completely devastated at least...
    Peter: I don't wanna talk about it.
    Peter: Sandra gave me the impression that you're struggling with her quest.
    David: Her quest is idiotic.
    Sandra: You're idiotic.
    Johnny: Um, you had us rolling for an hour to see if we found anything interesting at all when we dug.
    Sandra: You never needed to dig.
    Johnny: Yeah then why-
    Peter: Just fill me in.
    Peter: I'll decide which side is Team Idiot.
    Sandra: Well-
    David: No, I'll tell this.
    David: We were sent to some random meadow in a random forest with instructions to find two "largely identical" pieces of ancient technology.
    David: By ancient technology we mean something that has been shaped by civilized hands into a tool of sorts.
    David: The items don't need to be ancient themselves, merely their concept needs to be.
    David: But you see, she put a cart in that meadow, and filled it with items that met the criteria, but only in singles.
    David: And then we dug for hours on end to find matching pieces.
    Johnny: And I killed a hundred or so workers...
    David: Eventually we realized that ancient technology probably meant Netherese artifacts or so.
    David: But we found none.
    Peter: I've heard enough.
    Peter: Sandra, that's bad DM'ing.
    Sandra: What? Even you are too stupid?
    Peter: No, I get it, but you can't keep them stuck digging for this long...
    Peter: Should have just let them find something matching and been done with it.
    Sandra: Actually I made up a whole ancient crypt adventure just so they wouldn't only be digging.
    David: Yeah, that was quite entertaining actually.
    Andy: That part was fun.
    Johnny: Yeah, Sarevok was tired of killing only humans.
    Peter: Not so bad DM'ing them.
    Peter: But seriously, why didn't you guys just bring the cart back?
    David: Wow, is this you getting it?
    David: TWO LARGELY IDENTICAL PIECES.
    David: There were no two matching items in the cart and the cart itself obviously isn't two carts.
    Peter: Yeah but it has two wheels.
    Sandra: THERE IS HOPE!
    Andy: Hahahaha.
    Johnny: What, you knew all along?
    Andy: I sure knew before you started killing workers for fun at least.
    David: ...
    David: But...
    Peter: Your expression is priceless.
    Peter: Anyway... let's call it a night.
    David: Agreed.
    Sandra: JJ, remember to read up before next weekend.
    Johnny: Yes, sadist.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Dealing with drow

    Peter: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...
    Peter: Except we aren't. Andy?
    Andy: I don't know man.
    Andy: After we finished last week, I drove her home, and when we got to her apartment she just snapped.
    Andy: Not angry-snapped but... I don't know.
    Andy: She barely answers calls and if I want to visit she's too busy reading.
    Peter: And this has gone on for a week?
    Andy: Yup.
    Peter: Why didn't you tell me?
    Andy: You seemed to have enough problems. I didn't want to add to them.
    Peter: Don't let that argument stop you next time. Excuse me.
    Andy: Good luck getting her to answer...

    (privately over the phone)

    Sandra: Peter, I haven't the time. Just play Luna in my place or something.
    Peter: Oh, you know me. I'm always happy to arrange a gruesome death for characters whose players don't show up and don't say anything.
    Peter: But I couldn't care less about Luna right now.
    Sandra: So what is it? I'm fine.
    Peter: And your relationship?
    Sandra: *deep breath*
    Peter: I've known Andy the longest. Perhaps I'm not the one who's spent the most time with him, but the point is, I've never seen him really upset.
    Peter: I wouldn't want that to change.
    Sandra: ...
    Peter: He's too good at it, right?
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: Yeah.
    Sandra: It used to be that I'd study most of the week and just forget about the world during the gaming weekends.
    Sandra: But...
    Peter: But you ended up always forgetting about the world after you met him.
    Sandra: Yup...
    Sandra: And one week ago...
    Sandra: Reality caught up.
    Sandra: So now...
    Sandra: Sandra...
    Sandra: Needs to catch up with reality.
    Peter: You don't have to do this.
    Sandra: I very much have to do this.
    Sandra: You're doing your part, I'll do mine.
    Peter: How go your studies when you spend every waking hour buried in your books?
    Sandra: Far better than they do when I don't even open them.
    Peter: Okay, maybe you know something about Andy that I don't...
    Peter: But I believe him to both be employed and in need of eight hours of sleep.
    Peter: So unless you're stalking him at work-
    Sandra: You sound just like Sally now.
    Peter: And what did you tell Sally?
    Sandra: That she sounds like my mom.
    Peter: And...
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Peter: Your mother does make really good Sandra Bullock impressions, as I recall.
    Sandra: Heh.
    Sandra: Yeah but you don't.
    Peter: Does Sally?
    Sandra: I haven't decided.
    Peter: We just need to find a Sandra Bullock movie with tacos in it and it's a done deal.
    Sandra: Hehe.
    Peter: Okay, I'm sending Andy over to pick you up.

    Peter hangs up and waves Andy over to talk in private.

    Peter: It's not your fault.
    Andy: *shrug*
    Peter: No, really, it's not.
    Andy: I find myself confused.
    Peter: How many millionaires do you know?
    Andy: Let's see, there's...
    Andy: None?
    Peter: One.
    Andy: Whoa.
    Andy: Not a big spender, are you?
    Peter: I want something money cannot buy.
    Andy: A cure?
    Peter: Bingo.
    Peter: See, back when her sister was still alive... as alive as my mother is right now.
    Peter: Back then, there were these expensive treatments... believed to work, known placebo now.
    Peter: Well anyway, Sandra's family couldn't afford them and neither could mine. So I tried my hand at stocks, and...
    Peter: I guess I have a knack for evaluating ideas. I always seemed to invest in the right companies.
    Andy: Well, given your creativity, that's not surprising.
    Peter: Yeah well no matter how much of that money Sandra and I pumped into doctors and scientists and miracle peddlers, Jane died.
    Peter: At the end of it I was prepared to pay the most flagrant of quacks, but Sandra stopped me.
    Peter: Regardless, I don't trust that when I pay scientists to find a cure, they'll spend it all on finding that cure.
    Peter: No, because this specific variant of the disease is too rare, and they prefer to spend the money on curing the more common ones first.
    Andy: Not to say this isn't insightful...
    Peter: Yeah, and now to how this relates to your situation.
    Peter: Sandra said she will find the cure. She vowed it. I didn't ask it.
    Peter: But I said, when you know what to do, I will make sure money won't hold you back.
    Peter: And sometimes, that promise, or the memory of her sister, or both, become too large a burden, and then she plays to take her mind off it.
    Peter: But I think you and your relaxed attitude worked even better to help her forget.
    Peter: Well, until she was reminded that my mother isn't getting better.
    Andy: Huh.
    Andy: So what should I do?
    Peter: Don't change a thing.
    Andy: Eh.
    Peter: It's up to her to balance her life.
    Peter: But if your question was referring to the immediate future, you should go pick her up, and don't take no for an answer.

    As Sandra and Andy arrive, Peter immediately begins setting the scene to avoid any awkward silence.

    DM: You decided to strike at Balthazar in order to deal with Yaga-Shura.
    DM: What are the specifics of this plan?
    Sarevok: Changed.
    Sendany: For the better?
    Sarevok: Of course.
    Yoshimo: I was fond of the surgical strike approach.
    Sarevok: It's not very surgical when we're acting blindly.
    Luna: So what is the plan?
    Sarevok: We need to find Sendai.
    Luna: Oh.
    Luna: And do you think she wants to be found?
    Sarevok: No.
    Sarevok: But with Abazigal gone and Illasera supposedly vanished, she has no one better to turn to, if only to throw at Yaga-Shura to buy her time.
    Sarevok: I don't think she has a plan. I do.
    Sarevok: I do, however, not have one for finding her.
    Sendany: Hmmmm.
    Sendany: Hmm mmm mmm hmm.
    Sendany: I have one.
    Sarevok: Speak.
    Sendany: We'll go into every tavern we can find and let it be known...
    Andy: Totally imagine a scenery change here.
    Sendany: ...that one Swagnafein do'Urmom is looking for Sendai.
    Sarevok: That's the most dimwitted scheme I've ever heard.
    Sendany: No, you'll like it.
    Sendany: It won't draw her out.
    Sendany: But it should anger those drow opposed to the GEM, and then we can torture Sendai's location out of them.
    Sarevok: Torture? I do like it.

    David: Yeah I don't need to tell you how I feel about involving that clown faction.
    David: But what are the freaking odds that these fugitive drow will go into taverns-
    Peter: Decent enough.
    David: -and actually understand the language?
    Andy: Hmm, good point.
    Andy: Let's just put up posters in both tongues.

    DM: Okay, any additions to this plan?
    Yoshimo: Obviously we'll keep our eyes open as we enact it.
    Luna: No additions.
    Sarevok: Mmm, torture.
    Sendany: Let's roll.
    DM: It takes you six days to provoke an attack from a trio of anti-masculinist drow, but you subdue them readily.
    Sarevok: TORTURE!
    Sendany: Well yes, of a kind.
    Sendany: Chain them in a dungeon, and...
    Sarevok: Torture.
    Sendany: Please, these are drow.
    Sendany: Every form of torture known to surfacers is tame enough to constitute a drow fetish.
    Sendany: No, we will use a different kind. Luna? I mean, Maya. Hit them with some anti-misogyny lines.

    Luna: I believe men should not be whipped for misarranging the utensils!
    Drow 1: NO!
    Drow 2: IT BURNS!
    Drow 3: HERESY!
    Luna: I believe men's opinions should be taken into consideration!
    Drow 1: HEATHEN!
    Drow 2: HERETIC!
    Drow 3: MONSTER!
    Sarevok: This is horseshit.
    Sendany: You don't even understand the language, so stop pretending you do.
    Sarevok: Bah.
    Yoshimo: Sarevok! A game of dice?
    Sarevok: Be warned, I'm a sore loser.
    Luna: I believe... hmm.
    Luna: I believe men should be paid equal to women!
    Peter: A bit too wild, sorry.
    Sandra: Okay.
    Luna: I believe men should be paid!
    Drow 1: UNTHINKABLE!
    Drow 2: PREPOSTEROUS!
    Drow 3: MADNESS!
    Sandra: I believe men should not pass so many dirty notes during game night.
    Andy: *whistles*
    Luna: And I believe Lolth should stop being a sore bitch about getting owned by Corellon Larethian!
    Drow 1: ARGH!
    Drow 2: STOP!
    Drow 3: MERCY!
    DM: Okay, they will reveal Sendai's last known location.
    Sendany: *beams*
    Sarevok: Finally.
    Sarevok: *hack slash gut*

    DM: Days later, you come upon Sendai's supposed hideout, a half-ruined fort.
    DM: It is certainly guarded, which bodes well.
    Sarevok: Can you dark-tongued dimwits tell her to come out.
    Sarevok: Don't settle for a messenger.
    Luna: We wish to see Sendai!
    DM: There's no response.
    Luna: I repeat, we wish to speak with Sendai!
    DM: There's still nothing. The drow look ready to fight.
    Sendany: We're happy to cut our way through if we have to.
    Sendany: Let us speak with Sendai.
    DM: A drow emerges from the fort.
    Sarevok: No taint. It's not her.
    Sendany: We will not settle for a messenger!
    Sarevok: Well, I think this messenger at least understands me.
    Sarevok: Get the dimwit Sendai out or we will simply leave and tell everyone this is where she's holed up.
    Sarevok: I'm not negotiating.
    DM: The messenger says-
    Sarevok: NOT.
    Sarevok: NEGOTIATING.
    DM: ...Sendai steps onto the battlement.
    Sarevok: Get down here.
    Sendai: Now why would I do that?
    Sarevok: Why would I kill you when we both have an overpowering enemy in common.
    Sarevok: Your cooperation is preferable, but not necessary.
    Sarevok: Now get down.
    Yoshimo: A little diplomacy, perhaps.
    Yoshimo: You mustn't make a commander look weak before her troops.
    Luna: Sendai, will you permit us entry?
    Sendai: ...
    Sendai: Very well, I'll hear you out.

    DM: You step onto the courtyard. You are surrounded by drow, but they do not attack.
    Sendai: With an attitude like that, it amazes me you haven't rushed headlong to your death against Yaga-Shura, Sarevok.
    Sarevok: Are your forces weakened?
    Sendai: Idiot male-
    Sendai: Do you think this is my full strength?
    Sarevok: I need-
    Luna: Enough out of you.
    Sarevok: Do not challenge me.
    Luna: Advisor.
    Luna: (in drow tongue) And lowly male.
    Luna: Sendai. Sarevok wished to seek you out, and I believe he had greater plans than expressing his bad temper.
    Sendai: I should hope so.
    Sendai: Has he not shared them with you?
    Sarevok: I know how we can take down Yaga-Shura.
    Sendai: Indeed?
    Sarevok: It will require the aid of some of your allies.
    Sendai: Hm.
    Sendai: And that's it? You expect me to throw precious troops at the impervious giant?
    Sendai: Your plan lacks for specifics... as well as risk taken by yourself.
    Sarevok: You are beaten, terrified and hiding.
    Sarevok: What choice have you but to trust me, darkling fool?
    DM: At Sendai's signal, the drow point their weapons menacingly.
    Yoshimo: Mistress Sendai - if I may.
    DM: Sendai stares Yoshimo down.
    Sendai: Speak.
    Yoshimo: My comrade is rash of tongue, yet skilled with blade.
    Yoshimo: Not enough that he could strike you down, with or without our aid...
    Yoshimo: Yet I fear it would cost the lives of many of your soldiers if this came to blows.
    Sendai: And even more if I let you go, and you let Balthazar know where to find me.
    Sarevok: Dimwit, do you really think we-
    Sendany: *puts dagger to Sarevok's throat*
    Sendany: Do. Not. Speak.
    Yoshimo: Mistress Sendai, perhaps if we return later, you'll have considered our words.
    Sendai: Return?
    Sendai: Sarevok had best explain his plan if we're to talk of a possibility of you leaving here alive.

    Johnny: Can I explain it to Sendai only?
    Johnny: I don't wanna reveal it.
    Peter: Yeah, sure.
    Johnny: Will she let us out after that?
    Peter: Reluctantly.
    Andy: Has anyone stopped to consider the possibility that Sendany and Sendai might be related?
    Peter: No, not really, given for example that one is drow and the other is human.
    Andy: But I might be Gorion's Ward, so we could be related in that way.
    Peter: Yeah well, by that logic Sendai's name should be thematically connected to every other Bhaalspawn name as well.
    Peter: Your name is just some lame anagram that happened to sound akin to Sendai.
    Johnny: Wait Sendany is an anagram?
    Sandra: Goodness JJ you were supposed to read up.
    Sandra: That's like the first paragraph of the first episode. Sendany Mayocomb = Obeys any command.
    Johnny: Haha!
    Johnny: Though he doesn't seem to.
    Sandra: Well no, he's way past that.
    Sandra: So you didn't read up after all?
    Johnny: Do you have any idea how much you guys spam.
    Johnny: I got the general idea, I couldn't be bothered to note every single nuance and detail.
    Johnny: I have to say though it's weird that Tepp said illithid gourmands should hunt down Luna for her brain but the only one to ever get their brain eaten is Sendany.
    Johnny: I triplechecked to confirm that.
    Sandra: Yes, that's one way to get the general idea without noting details, I suppose...
    Johnny: So Luna is an anagram too? What's her last name?
    Sandra: Jeez just read it.
    Johnny: I wonder if Yoshimo is an anagram.
    Peter: So him, yo.
    Johnny: Aw that sucks.

    Johnny: Let's try with Sarevok.
    David: He has a last name, you know... Anchev.
    Johnny: Too many letters with that.
    Sandra: Haversack oven!
    Andy: No using the tinderbox.
    Sandra: Pff.
    Johnny: Hmm...
    Andy: OakServ, an IRC service related to ChanServ and NickServ, but for tree users.
    Sandra: Goodness Andy.
    Johnny: Ser Kova, a yet not introduced Game of Thrones character.
    Peter: No no I've got it.
    Peter: Check this anagram of... er, Sarevok.
    David: I demand to see that sentence with quotation marks.
    Peter: No?
    David: You're gonna include that "er" and cheat.
    Peter: I totally wasn't.
    David: Busted.
    Sandra: Oh let him, how bad can it be.
    Peter: Kover Arse.
    Andy: Hahaha!
    Johnny: HAHA!
    Sandra: I immediately regret my decision.
    David: Could have told you so.
    Andy: Well it makes sense, he has to stay safe from colonoscopic malpractice.
    Peter: Oh yeah speaking of that.
    Peter: Perhaps you want to check out what the Unseeing Eye is up to while you wait for Sendai to get to work with Sarevok's plan?
    Sandra: Um, sure.
    Sandra: But how the hell did colonoscopic malpractice make you think of that?
    Peter: Oh, you'll see.

    Sandra: So I guess we head to the sewers?
    Peter: Well-
    Johnny: Yeah the sewers.
    DM: You thoroughly investigate the former lair of the Unseeing Eye, and the adjacent areas, but all it does is waste your time and make you smell of waste.
    Luna: To the Temple District then?
    DM: While you do not find the Unseeing Eye there either, you are promptly directed to the Government District where it might be found.

    Andy: HAHAHAHA!
    Sandra: Okay what was so funny?
    David: I hope I'm wrong.
    Sandra: Wait.
    Sandra: Wait wait.
    Sandra: Noo.
    Sandra: Unseeing Eye... Orifice Oracle... colonoscopic malpractice...
    Sandra: Don't tell me the Unseeing Eye is actually Lilarcor shouting commands out of Firkraag's decaying rectum.
    Peter: Hehehehehe.
    Johnny: What the hell bro.
    Sandra: I have no words.
    Andy: Me neither. That was beautiful.
    Sandra: I have no words for quite a different reason.
    David: You can't base a quest on this bullshit.
    Peter: More like wyrmshit.
    David: You can't have a whole city worshiping Lilarcor, you can't-
    Peter: Relax.
    Peter: It's just a plot hook.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    A separate ascension

    DM: Lilarcor bids you cause some mayhem! Kill some infidels!
    David: Riiight.
    David: So even if we assume the people of Athkatla would follow this... oracle...
    David: Lilarcor is just a talking sword, not a sentient sword.
    Peter: Wrong.
    Peter: My previous owner always said I was sharp and edgy or something like that...
    David: Hmf.
    David: Well get this plot hook overwith then.
    DM: Lilarcor senses a great capacity for killing within its newest supplicants!
    DM: You should go to Watcher's Keep!
    Sendany: We've been there...
    Sendany: Oh shit.
    Sendany: Nope we haven't.
    Sendany: Why should we?
    DM: Glorious conflict awaits! Demogorgon's minions versus the church of Helm!
    David: Ohhh.
    David: Yeah, I guess not resealing the keep should have some consequences...
    Luna: This sounds pretty damn urgent...
    DM: Yes! You are missing out on bloodshed!
    Luna: Any objections?
    Yoshimo: Sounds like a battle for the bards to sing of!
    Yoshimo: I wouldn't want to miss it.
    Peter: Wide open to interpretation and you play him exactly the same way anyway.
    David: It's not easy to figure this out, cut me some slack.
    Sarevok: I'm sure there's an advantage to be gained from participating.

    DM: On the way to the keep, you encounter an old friend.
    Sarevok: ELMINSTER STOP MEDDLING DAMN IT.
    Tepp: Missed you too.
    Sarevok: Oh.
    Luna: Well hello there.
    Sendany: Good to see you're still alive.
    Sarevok: Join us so we don't need to hope for Sendai to cooperate.
    Tepp: I will not.
    Tepp: The upcoming conflict may be as important to the future of this world as your own quest.
    Tepp: I wish to tell you of a... creative solution.
    Tepp: But let such be explained by those with a few ranks in Perform.
    Sharwyn: Greetings.

    David: Oh goodness.
    Peter: What, this is totally legit.
    David: Yes, but I'm just imagining the author replaying the hellspawn that is NWN in order to get an idea of Sharwyn's personality.
    Peter: Please, there are limits to what a craftsman would do for his art.
    Peter: At best he looked her up on some wiki.
    Andy: I *like* NWN.
    Sandra: HAHAHA!
    Johnny: No one believed that bro.
    Andy: I hope so.

    Sharwyn: What would you say if I told you that poetic justice has come for Helm?
    Sharwyn: He didn't walk the world in the Time of Troubles.
    Sharwyn: He will now.
    Luna: Uh...
    Yoshimo: Interesting.
    Sarevok: Go on.
    Sharwyn: With a few incentives from you and us, he will have to face Demogorgon himself.
    Sharwyn: And should he lose...
    Sharwyn: Well, it would present quite the opportunity for someone else to consume his essence and attain godhood.
    Sarevok: GO ON.
    Luna: No, don't go on.
    Luna: You're saying we should help the demons?
    Sharwyn: The task is rather straightforward for the first part, yes.
    Luna: I'm sure it all seems simple to you, you stupid third edition bitch.
    Luna: Had to dumb your saving throws down to three.
    Sharwyn: Oh yeah, because your five categories aren't effectively reducible to "save vs. spell 90% of the time".
    David: Fourth wall.
    Luna: This is out of the question. Selûne would never forgive me.
    Luna: You know, probably because we'd be killing paladins by the scores.
    Luna: And all to help this bitch attain godhood?
    Sharwyn: Not I.
    Luna: Well even Horsebreath isn't worth it.
    Sharwyn: Nor he.
    Sharwyn: (And his breath is quite pleasant.)
    Luna: I don't care who!
    Luna: In fact, if you don't swear by all the stars in the sky you will aid the paladins, by Selûne I will strike you down where you stand.
    Luna: Both of you.
    Sharwyn: Luna, Luna.
    Sharwyn: What if the new god would be someone you'd prefer over Selûne?
    Luna: I'm this close to caving your natural currant red haired face in.
    Sharwyn: Jealousy noted.
    Sharwyn: I believe you two have met.
    Cocoamancer: Hello, Luna.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Hi.
    Cocoamancer: Don't you think there should be a god of chocolate?

    David: *sigh*
    David: Bullshit plot hook for a bullshit quest.
    Sandra: Oh shut up this is great.
    Sandra: Luna will know SUCH inner conflict.

    Luna: Well...
    Luna: Yes.
    Luna: But it's a heavy price to pay.
    Sharwyn: Helm failed to keep-
    Luna: I will talk to Cocoamancer, thank you.
    Luna: All the gods know if you breathe too deep your cleavage will cross the line.
    Sharwyn: Surely the Watcher can be spared some eye candy before his final day.
    Luna: Wow, I will speak clearly:
    Luna: SHUT UP.
    Cocoamancer: Selûne is important to you, I understand.
    Cocoamancer: But are you to her?
    Cocoamancer: Succeed in this and I will make you my high priestess.
    Cocoamancer: I don't think I need to tell you what powers that would grant you.
    Luna: *drools*
    Luna: Um...
    Luna: That Anomen guy is with the paladins, right?
    Luna: We can't let someone with an accent like that, just... live.
    Sendany: Finally you speak sense!
    Sarevok: Killing time?
    Yoshimo: Uh, yeah. Let's damn ourselves in the eyes of every good god over an accent and conjurable chocolate.
    Peter: I detect-
    David: Deal with it.
    Luna: Cocoamancer...
    Luna: By what means will you absorb his essence?
    Cocoamancer: Hmmmm.
    Cocoamancer: Well, I have this magical urn which...
    Cocoamancer: Frankly, I don't know the exact mechanics. Your friend does.
    Tepp: And I will simply ask you to trust me.
    Tepp: I could spend a few hours explaining them, but I prefer to keep this on a need-to-know basis.
    Luna: Fine.
    Tepp: You agree?
    Sendany: Save Anomen for last.
    Yoshimo: I'll expect my fair share of that chocolate.
    Sarevok: Understanding of such ascension will be valuable, as will a close divine ally.
    Sendany: And you get to kill paladins.
    Sarevok: Yes, mostly that.
    Tepp: Then I would like you to meet two new friends who will aid you.
    Luna: Pistol and Ciclop?
    Yoshimo: Surely you mean Cyclop.
    Tepp: No. Meet Nona and Dark Caves.

    Sandra: Okay.
    David: *facepalm*
    Sandra: Dark Caves?
    Sandra: What motherfucking kind of name is Dark Caves???
    Sandra: Dark Caves, as opposed to... bright caves.
    Peter: Give me a fucking break, he didn't put a name on the character sheet.
    Peter: I had to improvise.
    Johnny: What classes are they?
    Peter: Dark Caves is a Fighter/Mage/Thief who worships Talos, and-
    Sandra: My, it's just getting better and better. An F/M/T who wants to try and be a cleric too.
    Peter: And Nona is a bard.
    David: Pass their sheets around.
    Peter: Nah.
    Peter: I will show them when this adventure is over.
    David: Either that or write the name of Gorion's Ward down and give it to me.
    Peter: You are quite clearly nuts.
    David: Put it in an envelope. I just want to be sure you have decided and aren't just improvising. I will not read it until there's only one candidate left.
    Peter: I decided long ago.
    David: Note. Envelope.
    Peter: Fine.
    Peter: *scribble scribble scribble, excessive scribble*
    Peter: In case anyone was trying to count strokes...
    Peter: Guard it well, or else.
    David: I will.

    Johnny: What's the big deal here?
    Sandra: I thought you'd read the previous campaigns...
    Johnny: I have!
    Sandra: Evidently.
    Johnny: Are you saying we don't know who Gorion's Ward is?
    David: How can you possibly have read up and not noticed that?
    Johnny: Dude. Spam.
    Johnny: Anyway like, Sarevok should know.
    Peter: All three of us were raised by Gorion, and all three of us saw you kill him.
    Peter: And Imoen was our Sister of Three.
    Sandra: Working on it.
    Andy: Likewise.
    Johnny: Working on what?
    Johnny: Anyway bro, Sarevok can sense the taint.
    Peter: There's too little taint left after the resurrection.
    Johnny: Okay but he sensed it back when he killed Gorion.
    Peter: Fragmented memory.
    Johnny: Pff.
    David: He kept it from me for two campaigns. Don't expect it to be so easy.
    Johnny: Yeah well if it's been two campaigns it's about time he at least gave us a hint.
    David: He did.
    Johnny: Huh.

    David: If we're not getting more of an introduction, I suppose we might simply chat with them.
    Yoshimo: Dark Caves is a curious name, I must say.
    Dark Caves: Clearly you did have to say it, yeah.
    Yoshimo: I meant no disrespect.
    Dark Caves: Mhm.
    Yoshimo: How did you meet with Tepp?
    Dark Caves: I can't imagine that should be tricky to figure out.
    Yoshimo: Do pardon my present lack of wits.
    Dark Caves: Gah.
    Dark Caves: He engineered the most calamitous natural disaster of our time.
    Dark Caves: As a follower of Talos, of course I had to meet him.
    Yoshimo: But the flood-
    Dark Caves: Umberlee, and, gah. Enough.
    Dark Caves: Are you done asking? Good.

    Sendany: Hello, Nona. The name's Sendany.
    Nona: Hi.
    Sendany: Quite the endeavor before us, huh?
    Nona: ...yeah.
    Sendany: Are you scared?
    Nona: No.
    Sendany: Wow, I sure am.
    Sendany: But we'll be sure to leave our mark on history, eh?
    Nona: Uh... yeah.
    Sendany: Ah, a little doubt. Only natural.
    Nona: ...
    Sendany: Still, something drove you to come here. Something stronger than fear and doubt.
    Nona: Yeah.
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: Stay safe.
    Nona: You too.

    Andy: The standing record is a two word response out of Nona.
    David: Dark Caves isn't particularly social either.
    Peter: It's who they are, deal with it.
    Sandra: Let me try Nona.

    Sarevok: We march for the keep.
    Luna: No stranger to the road, I suppose?
    Nona: No.
    Luna: Traveled much?
    Nona: Yeah.
    Luna: Not older than you look, are you?
    Nona: Uh, no.
    Luna: You're not going to ask how old I think you look?
    Nona: No...
    Luna: Then you'll never know!
    Luna: Was that dramatic enough for our bard?
    Nona: Yeah.
    Luna: *resists rolling eyes*
    Luna: Can you believe I'm turning my back on Selûne?
    Nona: Yeah, it's...
    Nona: Big decision?

    Sandra: HA!
    Sandra: I got a QUESTION out of her.
    Andy: Well played, ma cheri.
    Sandra: Merci, merci.

    Luna: Huge decision. But, you know... chocolate is my weakness.
    Nona: Oh... yeah.
    Luna: Do you like chocolate?
    Nona: Yeah.
    Luna: Is that why you're here?
    Nona: No.
    Luna: Why are you here?
    Nona: Story.
    Luna: Ah, so you won't fight?
    Nona: N-no.
    Dark Caves: Enough with the questions.
    Luna: Gee, fine.
    Dark Caves: Don't even consider putting her in harm's way, let alone asking her to perform any dark deeds.
    Luna: I wasn't going to.
    Luna: But since Horsebreath wouldn't tell us why he sent you our way, might you at least reveal that much to us?
    Dark Caves: Remember what he said about need-to-know basis?
    Luna: ...
    Luna: *sighs*
    Luna: Well, this is gonna be a fun trip.

    DM: As you travel, Dark Caves and Nona chat quite agreeably with each other, often about the weather. At every break, Nona scribbles expertly in her book.
    Luna: We couldn't loosen her tongue if our lives depended on it...
    Sendany: But sure, let's talk about the weather with the stingy guy.

    DM: You journey through the night... a starless one. There is a little rain.
    Luna: Would the priest of Talos care to not block out the moon?
    Dark Caves: It's not my doing.
    Luna: I'm sure the rain isn't.
    Dark Caves: I will consider myself blessed if the rain is for my sake, but I didn't bring the clouds.
    Luna: Oh yeah?
    Dark Caves: Turn back if you like.
    Luna: I... will not...
    Sendany: He's right, you know.
    Sendany: The darkness is your own doing.
    Sendany: Or just the whims of the weather. Perhaps that.
    Luna: But...
    Luna: We rest here.
    Yoshimo: Right here? I believe the rain has been observed.
    Luna: Well.
    Luna: Perhaps then we might find shelter in a dark cave.
    Luna: Luckily we brought several...

    Johnny: Waiiiiiiiiiiiit.
    Johnny: You said drow took refuge in dark caves.
    Peter: Wow, attention paid.
    Johnny: Sarevok gets to kill stuff?
    Peter: Yeah sure.

    DM: As you sleep, Yoshimo notices during his watch that Nona seems to be awake.
    Yoshimo: Lady Nona? Does sleep not come easy?
    Nona: ...
    Nona: No.
    Yoshimo: Might you join me in staring at the darkness and mistaking squirrels for demons?
    Nona: Heh.
    Nona: I once did the opposite.
    Yoshimo: Insidious creatures, aren't they?
    Nona: Yeah...
    Nona: How do you stay so calm?
    Yoshimo: Necessity, I would say.
    Yoshimo: Pay too much attention to one thing, and you've successfully distracted yourself.
    Nona: I'll quote that, if you don't mind.
    Yoshimo: Be sure to describe how ravishingly handsome I am while you're at it.
    Nona: Oh, I've already exceeded the alotted space for that.
    Yoshimo: Hehe.
    Yoshimo: I hope not to undo whatever great work has opened you up...
    Nona: Your friends just want to talk for the sake of talking.
    Nona: I don't mix so well with that.
    Yoshimo: You'll pardon me then, but the recurring conversations about the weather...
    Nona: Caves is a follower of Talos.
    Nona: I'm not, but at least I know when he talks about the weather, it's because it's one of the most interesting things in the world to him.
    Yoshimo: Oh... of course. Whom do you follow?
    Nona: I'd say Tyr, but I don't think he'll be happy with me analytically documenting the carnage to come, however it ends.
    Yoshimo: You're gathering evidence!
    Nona: Yeah, that and knowingly following a pack of indirect demon-sympathizers...
    Nona: Well, Oghma works, I guess. You?
    Yoshimo: Oh... Ilmater for a long time. Perhaps Cocoamancer soon?

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Damnation for chocolate

    DM: You finally arrive at the battlefield.
    DM: At the heart of the demonic army stands Demogorgon, ever summoning reinforcements.
    DM: The demons are beset on all sides by paladins and adventurers, though not all mortals present are on the side of good.
    David: Just...
    David: Is the keep still spewing out tornadoes?
    Peter: No.
    David: Right.
    Sarevok: If we want to force Helm to join the battle, we need only make the paladins lose.
    Dark Caves: Correct.
    Dark Caves: But first, claim a vantage point for me and Nona.
    Sarevok: A warmup it is.

    One claimed vantage point later...

    DM: Dark Caves begins assembling some strange device.
    DM: It carries traces of magic both divine and arcane, not to mention the machinery itself would make Gond's jaw drop.
    Luna: What... is... that?
    Dark Caves: I could explain for a week and you still wouldn't understand how to turn it on...
    Dark Caves: And that's as much as I'm willing to go against the need-to-know.
    Dark Caves: One of you stay here with us.
    Sarevok: What?
    Dark Caves: Not you.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: I'll stay.
    Luna: Just keeping watch, right?
    Dark Caves: More or less.
    DM: Note: The party is unchanged.
    Sarevok: Let's strike.
    Dark Caves: Wait.
    Dark Caves: Tepp and Sharwyn recruited many others for this.
    Dark Caves: Rendezvous with them and then pretend you want to join the paladins.
    Sarevok: Hmm.
    Sarevok: Finally, my own little army.
    DM: Sarevok, Yoshimo and Sendany set off.

    DM: The trio left on the hill overlooking the battle is a quiet bunch.
    DM: Dark Caves is tinkering with his device, Nona is scribbling with a rather blank expression, and Luna is clearly not keeping watch.
    DM: Which is fine... for now.
    DM: Sarevok inspects the ragtag band of soldiers at his disposal. Some are depraved enough to make Tiax seem sane.
    DM: The discerning eyes of Sendany and Yoshimo both fall upon one Baron Goethe.

    Johnny: Why does that name sound familiar?
    Andy: I was gonna ask the same thing.
    Johnny: Hmm.
    DM: He keeps a female cleric called Hype in close company. You suspect she is drow.
    Sandra: Wow the names are getting better and better.
    Peter: A bit like someone called Luna turning her back on Selûne, yeah.
    Sandra: That's NOT what she's doing.
    Johnny: Oh please, Luna never made a good priestess of Selûne to begin with.
    Johnny: You just picked some random good deity.
    Johnny: I mean LG isn't even a follower alignment for her. Tyr would have been the right choice, if you ask me.
    Sandra: Yeah well that shy little Nona prick is a bard and seems very LG to me.
    Johnny: You started it, not she.
    Sandra: Again, this is the kind of stuff you noted?
    Johnny: I noted everything, really.
    Sandra: Yeah sure.
    Johnny: I'm just saying, maybe Luna should stop thinking she's betraying Selûne.
    Johnny: She's betraying her own morals if anything.
    Johnny: But I'm sure conjured chocolate will set everything right for her. She didn't even bother to ask what Cocoamancer's dogma is.
    David: Oh, burn.
    David: Sandra getting schooled at RP by a powergamer.
    Sandra: Bullshit.
    Sandra: Luna has always had an extreme weakness for chocolate. But she's never committed evil, or permitted it through inaction, in order to get chocolate.
    Sandra: She's just weighing her options here.
    David: She's still intent on abandoning Selûne for someone who would empower demons in order to attain godhood.
    Sandra: Look, SANDRA is playing Luna.
    Sandra: Sandra decides what Luna thinks and does. Now leave her to it.

    Sarevok: Now we march on the paladins' rear position.
    Sendany: Without weapons drawn...
    Sarevok: Without weapons drawn.
    Sarevok: *sheathes sword*
    DM: Your ruse to infiltrate the paladins' ranks fails critically.
    DM: Most of your crew, not to mention Sarevok himself, radiates evil.
    DM: You do not catch them unaware, but you do flank them.
    DM: After a few minutes of combat, Goethe and Hype have distinguished themselves as the most powerful of your allies, each employing powerful magic.
    DM: Meanwhile, on the hill...

    Dark Caves: You had ONE job, Luna.
    Dark Caves: I didn't even ask you to kill intruders. I just asked you to spot them.
    Dark Caves: As you can see, I'm quite capable of defending myself.
    Dark Caves: But my machine here, designed to harness the tiniest, undetectable amount of magical energy from each spell cast on that vast battlefield?
    Dark Caves: I am the only one in all the realms and planes who can calibrate it.
    Dark Caves: Again, quite capable, you see.
    Dark Caves: What I am NOT capable of doing is handling it while worrying that I or Nona might suffer a sudden, rapid decline in our life expectancies because one distraught priestess of Selûne is looking inward instead of around.
    Luna: Yeah, yeah.
    Dark Caves: No.
    Dark Caves: Before long, it will have so much power within itself that if I make one wrong move, it'll vaporize everyone but Demogorgon.
    Dark Caves: Yes, including us.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Why do we have such a weapon?
    Nona: Because Helm will readily defeat Demogorgon when the time comes.
    Luna: Oh.
    Nona: Don't look at me. Keep watch! Do you want to make him angry again?
    Luna: Sorry.
    Nona: Without that device, Helm will win. It's just a question of at what cost.
    Dark Caves: I hope that is motivation enough for you to keep your eyes open.
    Luna: Mmm...

    DM: Your efforts bear fruit over the first hour of your presence. The paladins are losing.
    Sendany: Did Anomen already get killed?
    Sendany: This is just no fun if I don't get to insult the accent of his final words.
    DM: As the situation grows increasingly dire for Helm's followers and allies, an overwhelming presence takes shape on the battlefield.
    DM: Fully armored, a stern gaze, and an unmistakeable sense of duty...
    DM: The avatar of Helm.
    Yoshimo: I think that's our cue to retreat...
    Sarevok: I WILL NOT RETREAT!
    Sendany: Help me with him, Yoshi.
    DM: In a concerted effort, Sendany and Yoshimo subdue Sarevok.
    Sendany: The god is not for us to slay! Besides, Hype and Goethe seem to have retreated as well.
    Sendany: We should pull back.

    DM: Helm strides through the demons' ranks towards their leader, unstoppable in his duty.
    DM: The knights and the demons still battle, but each of them knows that the duel of powers at the base of the keep is all that really matters.
    DM: The Watcher crushes the demon prince with the weight of unshakable conviction, and it seems Demogorgon will know swift defeat.
    DM: But then a sudden discharge of raw power strikes Helm, and he stumbles as a piece of his divinity is ripped from him.

    Nona: It's working...
    Dark Caves: Of course it is.
    Dark Caves: Hmm...
    Dark Caves: Another strike is called for.
    Luna: How is that THING allowed to exist?!
    Dark Caves: Because someone with the right knowledge of magic and mechanics devised it before the gods could think to stop it, of course. Not to mention the right help from your friend.
    Dark Caves: I'm fairly sure there are magical battles all around us as dark forces try to protect my creation from interference from Mystra or Gond or whatever.
    Dark Caves: Better not waste any time...
    Luna: Stop this.
    Dark Caves: You're not here to advise me.
    Luna: You're killing Helm.
    Dark Caves: Demogorgon is doing that. I'm just making it a fair fight.
    Dark Caves: Besides, I'm pretty sure killing Helm is exactly what you signed up for.
    Dark Caves: Zap!
    Luna: You will not fire it again!
    Dark Caves: And you're going to stop me? You think I can't use it on you?
    Luna: I...
    Luna: I.
    Dark Caves: Smart girl.
    Luna: I think you'll need to tinker a little with it before that is possible.
    Luna: And all it takes is one distraction, and it might just destroy us all instead.
    Dark Caves: *draws blade*
    Dark Caves: Is a faithless cleric going to stop me? I think not.
    Luna: I'll keep you busy until Helm wins, monster.
    Dark Caves: Not monster. Genius and loyal mercenary.
    Nona: Don't fight!

    DM: Helm has been severely weakened, but he is still Demogorgon's better.
    DM: It is a close battle...
    Sarevok: My exploits shall be legend!
    Sarevok: I will put down a god before I am even made god of murder!
    Sendany: Eh, no you won't.
    Sendany: No interfering.
    Sarevok: Get out of my way.
    Sendany: Some legend, huh.
    Sendany: Sarevok, the mild inconvenience who enabled Demogorgon to slay Helm.
    Sarevok: THIS IS WHAT WE CAME HERE TO DO.
    Sendany: We came here to tip the scales enough to force Helm to appear.
    Sendany: And that's about as much villainy as I will commit in one day.
    DM: Sarevok and Sendany come to blows...
    DM: ...but Yoshimo's interference eventually stops the fight.
    DM: And as Helm finally subdues Demogorgon, Watcher's Keep becomes a very dangerous place to be for those who have aided the latter...

    Tepp: What is this about?!
    Tepp: STOP!
    Dark Caves: Demogorgon would have won if not for her interference!
    Tepp: Ah, good.
    Tepp: Leaving the realms without their Watcher is a bit more than I am willing to engineer.
    Dark Caves: You knew?
    Tepp: Well, if she hadn't stopped you I would.
    Tepp: But you know, I didn't want to ask you to simply weaken him. I find that the more you ask, the more you get. I had to be sure.
    Tepp: Your service satisfies. Now get away from that infernal device and never try to build another. I certainly won't aid you with it.
    Tepp: Nona, I hope you got the story.
    Nona: I'll never ask to write of your exploits again, maniac.
    Tepp: Hehehe.
    Tepp: Dimension Door for all of us.

    Andy: And that entire paragraph was Peter talking to himself in different voices.
    David: Is this stupid adventure over now?
    Peter: Of course not. Cocoamancer is still not a god.
    David: But Helm didn't die.
    Peter: Still lost a lot of essence. Essence now contained in Cocoamancer's urn.
    Peter: Now, let's see this story through, eh?

    DM: The party, together with Nona and Dark Caves are spirited to a secret location where Cocoamancer is preparing his ritual of ascension.
    DM: Also there are Pistol, Ciclop and Sharwyn.
    Cocoamancer: Well done, my followers!
    Cocoamancer: I've acquired enough essence to become an intermediate deity.
    Cocoamancer: Now all you need to do is stand guard as I absorb it.
    Cocoamancer: The ritual begins...
    DM: Yet, it is interrupted, by one Baron Goethe van Ilmater...
    Johnny: Oh, Vangoethe. That's what it sounded like.
    David: *facepalm*
    DM: ...and his ally, Hype Ree'stez...
    Sandra: Really.
    David: *FACEPALM*
    DM: ...and their own candidate for godhood, Vanillasera!
    Andy: Hahaha.
    David: I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015

    The flavor fight

    Hype: STOP the ritual.
    Luna: You walk away.
    Hype: It goes against all reason that chocolate should have a god before vanilla.
    Hype: The first flavor is always vanilla.
    Hype: When you speak of the original variant of something, you call it the vanilla version.
    Luna: Why don't you devour a bucket full of vanilla and then continue.
    Luna: I'm sure your throat will appreciate you speaking.
    Hype: Why don't you devour a bucket full of cocoa.
    Luna: Chocolate, not cocoa.
    Luna: A flavor as well as a sweet.
    Luna: A far broader concept than a single spice.
    Luna: Perhaps there should be a god of thyme and one of oregano as well?
    Hype: Vanilla is both flavor and spice, fool.
    Luna: And if someone made pepper ice cream, pepper could say the same.
    Hype: Vanilla is used for way more than just ice cream!
    Luna: Look, I don't care, vanilla can have a god, but not using this essence.
    Hype: Ah, see, that's where you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
    Luna: There's only three of you. Back off.
    Hype: Ah...
    Hype: But how well can you fight if you need to keep us from disrupting that frail ritual, eh?

    Tepp: Caves, Sharwyn, Sendany and Yoshimo, you keep Cocoamancer, Pistol and Ciclop safe from any disturbances.
    Tepp: Sarevok, your sibling is all yours. I'll take the lich, and the aspiring high priestesses have already marked each other for death as far as I can see.
    Tepp: Oh, and I'm pretty sure you'll want to take notes, Nona.
    Nona: So much for your "controlled ritual", maniac.
    Tepp: By controlled I only meant I would be telling you all what to do.

    Vanillasera: Sarevok. You almost make me regret my decision.
    Vanillasera: Had I known I would get to kill you, I might have stayed with the Five.
    Sarevok: Feel free to regret it.
    Sarevok: You are one pathetic Bhaalspawn to stray from the path of murder.
    Vanillasera: Is that so?
    Vanillasera: I did show up here with every intent of murder, you know.
    Sarevok: If it is intent rather than urge, you are weak, sister.
    Sarevok: Now DIE.
    Vanillasera: I'm still Illasera the-
    Vanillasera: Stillasera? Hmm.
    Vanillasera: The Quick, anyway.
    Vanillasera: Catch me if you can...

    Baron Goethe: Not quite the sting I had expected from such a renowned sorcerer!
    Baron Goethe: You are weak.
    Tepp: I'm just trying not to strike your head...
    Sharwyn: Oh no.
    Sharwyn: Hey rogues, get on the lich!
    Sharwyn: Tepp, step away.
    Tepp: I've got this...
    Sharwyn: No you don't. Away you go. Help us fend off the summons instead.
    Dark Caves: I didn't sign up for this.
    Tepp: What, you don't think Cocoamancer will reward you?
    Dark Caves: I do.
    Dark Caves: But quite frankly, I think I've taunted every other god with my invention, so I'm really just looking to spend my gold and die a legend.
    Dark Caves: And at this rate, there will be little spending and much dying.
    Tepp: You'll only be half the legend if Cocoamancer doesn't ascend.
    Dark Caves: Hm.
    Dark Caves: Point conceded.

    Hype: Ah, the little trollop eager to turn her back on her deity for recognition from another.
    Luna: And did Vanillasera grant you your divine spells? Right, I thought not.
    Hype: You are assuming I'm doing this for the same reasons as you.
    Luna: With a name like that? Yeah.
    Hype: What if I just want there to be custard jellies?
    Luna: That does sound like something worth risking your life for.
    Hype: I follow Ghaunadaur, and he demands custard jellies.
    Luna: Why can't he just MAKE custard jellies then?
    Hype: Because if there ever is a god of vanilla, it will turn into this whole THING...
    Hype: So I'm putting Vanillasera there. She will let Ghaunadaur make custard jellies without starting an awkward portfolio argument.
    Luna: I swear, you should just have pretended our reasons are the same.
    Hype: Your weak-faithed spells can't harm me, nor can your words.
    Luna: That's because you're a drow, oozebreath.

    Sarevok: STOP. RUNNING.
    Sarevok: FACE ME.
    Vanillasera: Now that sounds like something that could be severely detrimental to my health.
    Johnny: Hmm.
    Johnny: Give me the boots.
    Andy: Even if we wanted to, there isn't time.
    Johnny: I'll walk close to you and you'll throw them to me and I'll equip them. Instantly.
    David: Well, isn't it a delight that JJ is as aware of IE flaws as his brother.
    Johnny: Give Sarevok the boots.
    Peter: I will have Vanillasera slit your throat while you equip them.
    Johnny: Pff.

    DM: Sendany and Yoshimo can only distract Goethe, and he finishes a most sinister spell...
    DM: Removing the lid from Cocoamancer's urn!
    DM: Pistol and Ciclop try to put it back, but the lich's magic is too strong.
    Sendany: We must kill the lich!
    Dark Caves: On it.
    Sharwyn: NO!
    Sharwyn: Don't don't don't.
    Sendany: Eh?
    Sharwyn: Strike him down and he shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
    Sendany: A demi-lich?
    Sharwyn: Yes, that.
    Sendany: We can handle that.
    Sharwyn: You don't understand!
    Sharwyn: Tepp will fall in love with him and defend him.
    Sharwyn: Can you handle THAT?
    Tepp: ...
    Tepp: I will not.
    Tepp: I love only YOU, Sharwyn.
    Sharwyn: I wish it were so, but deep down I know you only pretend to desire me because it is socially acceptable.
    Sharwyn: I will not lie...
    Sharwyn: I asked Cocoamancer to turn me into a demi-lich in exchange for my aid.
    Sendany: Your aid is like, talking.
    Sendany: And making the combat extremely complicated with your third edition stats.
    Andy: There was just no way to say that without breaking immersion, I'm afraid.
    Tepp: You would do that for me?
    Sharwyn: I would do ANYTHING for you!
    Tepp: That's so sweet...
    Andy: (Reminder: He is talking to himself in a girly voice.)
    Peter: I HEARD that.
    Peter: I will do what my craft demands.

    DM: The open urn is alluring...
    DM: Sendany takes a peek inside it.
    Sendany: It's full of chocolate chip cookies!
    David: STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
    Andy: Whoa. You can't hold the p in stop. That sounds ridiculous.
    Andy: You need to say-
    David: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.
    Andy: Yeah that.

    DM: Overhearing this, Luna heads over to take a look.
    DM: Ten cookies, crafted by the great Cocoamancer himself.
    DM: They look so lovely, so delicious...
    DM: She cannot help but-
    Sandra: NO.
    Sandra: Luna will NOT ruin this.
    Peter: Um.
    Andy: Um.
    Johnny: Um.
    David: Big fucking um.
    David: Luna's self control in the face of chocolate is practically non-existent.
    Sandra: But she understands the importance of these!
    David: She understands the importance of nothing but eating them right now.
    Sandra: Luna is a CHANGED woman.
    David: The last time she met with chocolate she ate a several miles long trail of it.
    Sandra: Yes, and it was so sickening she swore off it.
    David: Foreshadowing: 0.
    Peter: There's no escape.
    Sandra: AT LEAST GIVE ME A ROLL!
    Peter: *shrug*
    Peter: Fine.
    Peter: Nothing less than a natural 20 will do.
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: *rolls*
    Sandra: Um...
    Sandra: A zero is worth nothing anyway, you know?
    Sandra: A 2 roll might as well-
    Peter: Luna eats a cookie.
    Sandra: WAIT WAIT WAIT WHY DOES NO ONE STOP LUNA??
    Peter: Perhaps they're all to some degree mesmerized.

    DM: Luna notes that the cookie is delicious beyond words.
    DM: Her delight is clear as day.
    DM: Yet, with each crunch, essence escapes the cookie... and by means of the lich's magic, some of it is granted to Vanillasera.
    DM: Pistol rises to the occasion, saying the essence must be reclaimed, and urging everyone to not eat the cookies.
    DM: Yet, seeing how happy the cookie made Luna, curiosity gets the better of Yoshimo...
    Peter: I suppose I will allow a roll... let's say 17 or higher.
    David: *rolls*
    David: Om nom nom, I guess.
    DM: There is a domino effect. Caves decides this unexpected task should have some special reward. Ciclop has known for too long what was in the urn, and played with the thought ever since. Tepp has low blood sugar. Next is Sendany, then even Pistol caves. Sarevok grabs a cookie, because he never does what you tell him to do. Sharwyn doesn't want to betray Cocoamancer, she so dearly wants to become a demi-lich and be with the handsome awesome fantastic wonderful-
    Sandra: Goodness shut up.
    Sandra: She eats a cookie, yes?
    Peter: Yes.
    Peter: Now there is only one cookie left.
    Sandra: I *SUPPOSE* the weak-willed Luna will eat that as well?
    Peter: No, there's this illusion of a Symbol: Fear over the urn for anyone who has already eaten a cookie.
    Peter: It looks like diabetes.
    Sandra: *rolls eyes*
    Sandra: I guess Nona eats the last one then.
    Peter: No.
    Sandra: Why the fuck not? Does she not have teeth?
    Peter: Nona resists.
    Sandra: How the fuck does NONA resist??
    Peter: Let me get on with the story here.

    Vanillasera: YES! Only ONE more cookie and all the essence is MINE!
    Vanillasera: Eat it, girl.
    Nona: No.
    Vanillasera: Eat it.
    Nona: No.
    Vanillasera: *walks up close*
    Vanillasera: I'll make you...
    Baron Goethe: Vanillasera, no!
    Baron Goethe: For my purposes I need a cookie freely eaten and not forcefed!
    Vanillasera: But-
    Vanillasera: ARGH!
    Vanillasera: You said I need all ten cookies!
    Baron Goethe: Yes, for not all the escaped essence is granted you. It prefers to go into the other cookies. That last one has as much as the first nine together.
    Vanillasera: So I would only be a LESSER deity...
    Vanillasera: But girl, did you hear that? It's the holiest cookie you'll ever eat.
    Nona: I will not.
    Vanillasera: Grr...
    Vanillasera: Hype, eat it.
    Hype: This was not part of the deal.
    Vanillasera: I am altering the deal.
    Hype: Eat it yourself.
    Vanillasera: The goddess of vanilla cannot eat a fucking chocolate chip cookie as her last act in life.
    Hype: Ghaunadaur refuses to have me tainted by the touch of this essence.
    Vanillasera: Then he refuses an agreeable claim to custard jellies.
    Hype: ...
    Hype: Fine.
    Andy: In this paragraph: Peter sounding like three women and one lich.
    Peter: It never gets old pointing that out huh??
    Andy: Nope.

    DM: Inspired by Nona's unyielding defiance, everyone regains some semblance of control. The cookies were great, but you are in grave danger. Luna in particular rises to the occasion, finding just the right words to stop Hype.
    Sandra: Um...
    Sandra: Hm.
    Sandra: Ah.
    Luna: (in drow tongue) Hype, would you eat from the same cookie jar as Swagnafein do'Urmom?
    Hype: HE'S HERE?
    Luna: *points at Sendany*
    Hype: ...
    Luna: And his brother... Yolofein do'Urmom?
    Hype: NOOOOOOOOOOO.
    Hype: As a traditionalist drow, I refuse to share meal with these GEM heathen.
    David: I like that your "traditionalist drow" isn't a Lolth worshiper.
    Peter: Not PRIMARILY, perhaps.
    Luna: And I... am Maya do'Urmom.
    Hype: The greatest offender of them all! DIE!
    Vanillasera: Hype, just eat the fucking cookie.
    DM: You're all free to act again.

    Sarevok: How kind of you to put yourself in the midst of us, Illasera.
    Vanillasera: I am a goddess. I'm not afraid. Stand down and I'll let you live.
    Baron Goethe: Actually the essences are barely bound to you at all. It takes a ritual, and-
    Vanillasera: Gee, care to direct their swords to my vital organs while you're at it?
    David: Why did the lich say that?
    Peter: Please, do you think any words will stop Sarevok from attacking anyway?
    David: Fair enough.
    Sarevok: I can find them quite well on my own.
    DM: Sarevok kills Vanillasera. The essence is released, and Pistol and Ciclop manage to direct some of it back into the urn.
    Dark Caves: Hype, I like the inventiveness of this custard jelly idea, so if you run I'll-
    Hype: DEATH TO THE GEM!
    Dark Caves: *shrugs*
    DM: Death to Hype.
    Baron Goethe: Yours must be a delicious soul, defiant little girl.
    Baron Goethe: I must have it.
    Cocoamancer: Nobody threatens my high priestess!
    DM: The ascended Cocoamancer disintegrates the lich into cocoa powder.

    Sandra: WHAT.
    Peter: In case you didn't get it, they were talking about-
    Sandra: YES NONA.
    Sandra: WHY DOES SHE GET TO BE HIGH PRIESTESS???
    Sandra: THAT WAS FOR LUNA!
    Peter: Um.
    Peter: Allow Cocoamancer to explain this, if it really has to be explained.
    Cocoamancer: You suck, Luna.

    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: That was the explanation?
    Peter: Ugh, you're really dense today aren't you.
    Cocoamancer: First you stop Helm from losing, and then you're the first to eat of the cookies. I mean, this is worse than doing nothing at all.
    Cocoamancer: Nona here resisted the temptation even in the face of the clear pleasure you all derived from eating them.
    Cocoamancer: But in truth, I was playing with the thought of not making you high priestess anyway. You know, going from hot to cold like you did in Watcher's Keep.
    Cocoamancer: Still, let's not forget, that if you had simply turned undead, the lich would have been more than sufficiently disrupted, and I wouldn't have seen Nona's strength. AND no essence would have been jeopardized.
    Cocoamancer: So yeah, you suck. But your love for chocolate is noted.
    Cocoamancer: Now let me try this vanishing thing.

    Sandra: OOOOOOOOOOOOKAY.
    Sandra: BUT WHY.
    Sandra: WHY did the stupid Nona resist eating the last cookie against all odds?!
    Sandra: I mean, after Yoshimo had eaten, we weren't even ROLLING. It was considered HOPELESS to resist after seeing how everyone who ate one enjoyed it so much.
    Sandra: Yet Nona, the LAST ONE, didn't even roll to resist. She just got it for free like-
    Sandra: LIKE.
    Sandra: Like her fucking character sheet says she can't steal a cookie from the cookie jar without feeling guilty.
    Peter: Well...
    Peter: I was going to say that it says pretty much that.
    Peter: But-
    Sandra: But nothing asshole. This is just another vivid interpretation of yours. Wild and far-fetched and-
    Peter: But it says EXACTLY THAT.
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: Sheet. Now.

    Character sheet: Dark Caves
    Character sheet: Nona

    CrevsDaakSethDavisJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015
    I want to say a few things about these last three episodes. Firstly, there's the obvious reader influence to mention. I wanted to use some veteran readers as characters. Now my method for this was checking the old thread and noting which users had been liking (or agreeing/insightful-ing) posts largely from the beginning to the end of the SoA adventure. I cross-checked against that thread on the off-topic forum. Now I don't normally read that forum (if not for PoE I wouldn't have seen the thread) but I'm sure a thread like that appears every now and then, and there probably were more candidates if I had searched. I also of course realize not every reader makes sure to +1 every post I make... right, nobody feeling too left out now I hope? :)

    So then there was the matter of making some fitting characters out of that. I probably failed miserably but there's only so much I can do without actually asking Nonnahswriter and CrevsDaak, which would spoil the surprise for them. Not tagging because I don't want them/you to be drawn to this post ahead of time. I considered checking post history for some ideas but it would be a lot of work and probably not help anyway because e-personalities are so different from reality. I (too?) am socially inept IRL, for example.

    Nona had a golden setup with the cookie jar line anyway, and I tried making Dark Caves (anagram of CrevsDaak if you haven't figured it out) an asshole genius. You two gotta vote insightful on this post if you approve of my work, or agree if you think it's the worst piece of creative art to poison your eyes but you won't have me killed over it. Especially Nona - the high priestess of Cocoamancer can disintegrate one living creature into cocoa powder once per day, no save. Let's not even mention the gaze attack.

    A less obvious contributor to this story is Grum, since I wouldn't have had the idea for this whole sidequest if he hadn't asked if Cocoamancer was the Bhaalspawn.

    Initially the idea was actually for Helm to die. However, I don't really know how you go about killing a god in D&D (or how other gods would react to the mere attempt), so it felt quite wild. As did Dark Caves' device, but the guy's a genius and he had Tepp's help. You never know what's gonna happen when Tepp gets involved. The final and largest nail in the coffin of giving Helm a coffin was that it just felt way too irresponsible for anyone involved to do, save perhaps Sarevok.

    I also like to think back on how this particular quest came to be. I mean, not from the first word to the last, but going all the way back to the episode in SoA where they decided not to give Kangaxx his body parts back. And then I decided Luna REALLY likes chocolate. These both led to that framing Kangaxx episode, which introduced colonoscopic malpractice. Then that term stuck around and I felt I had to use it for the WK campaign somehow. If Luna didn't like chocolate so much I don't think I would have jumped on Cocoamancer as part of the anagram. While we're at it, this also inspired the jealousy drama which permeated the WK story. Certainly the idea to fuck around with the bell instead of doing anything at all about Demogorgon developed independently, so this Helm vs. Demogorgon confrontation would have probably happened anyway. But some part-time engineer called Cocoamancer becoming the god of chocolate because of it, THAT is the ultimate fruit of some really old ideas.

    The remainder to come later, but at least the names are there to tempt you in the episode guide. Also, so much for thinking I wouldn't need to split any episodes. Lastly, don't be shy to point out any formatting errors or if I happened to leave any notes to myself and missed them.

    CrevsDaakSethDavisJuliusBorisov
  • CrevsDaakCrevsDaak Member Posts: 7,154
    edited July 2015
    Pure awesooooooome! :0000 You made my day man! :D
    Thanks for the mention! Loved it (and that's totally how I would do things, heh).

    I knew about the anagram, also "Raved Sack" and (if I ever want to become a singer, lol) "Cad Ska Rev" (or "CaSkaDeVR"...) are some of the best ("Caved Arks" and a bunch more I think).

    enqenqJuliusBorisov
  • CrevsDaakCrevsDaak Member Posts: 7,154
    Also, it would be good if more colonoscopic malpractices make appearance in the following episodes... And framing Kangaxx, too (this was primarily what the fight against Abazigail lacked).

    If you actually want some serious contributions, PM me, I'm sure half the people who open spoilers expect a big image =P (happens to me most of the times... Luckily you can close them).

  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited July 2015
    The remaining episodes are "done". I'm just putting them aside while people catch up, and then giving them their final polish. Given that at least two people have read 1-8 now, I will be checking them now and then posting 9-13 soon (possibly within the hour).

    Framing Kangaxx is my favorite episode. That being said I'm not sure it would work well if I tried to do a version 2 of it. They would at the very least need to get some limbs, and I probably missed the best opportunity with the Lilarcor visit. All in all it may have worked to do a v2 if I'd had the idea when I started. It seems Kangaxx' legacy will just be Tepp's demi-lich fetish.

    As for CM, I don't really know why I managed to fit that in so many times in SoA but not in WK or here. It will be mentioned but not performed. Anyway, I'll hear you out, but I can't promise I won't be too excited to post 9-13 before you get a chance to reply. :D

    CrevsDaak
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Cornered and dangerous

    Sarevok: That was less fruitful than I had hoped, but at least it got Illasera out of the way.
    Sendany: It was all worth it for the cookie.
    Luna: Shut up about the cookies.
    Yoshimo: Ahh, I might not eat for the rest of the day.
    Sendany: Let the flavor linger.
    Luna: SHUT UP.
    Sendany: I wonder if we might have Cocoamancer removed from power and then aid his successor.
    Yoshimo: That is some good thinking. We could have more cookies.
    Luna: SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP.
    Sarevok: Enough of this. Stay on task. We head for Sendai's hideout.
    Sarevok: Also...
    Sarevok: It was the best cookie ever.
    Luna: *groan*

    DM: You arrive at the hideout...
    DM: It was a ruin the first time. To call it so again would be flagrant flattery.
    DM: Drow bodies litter the fields and the shattered fort. As well as a few dead illithid.
    DM: There is a survivor...
    Luna: You. What happened here?
    DM: A survivor, but not for much longer.
    Luna: Heal.
    Luna: Now speak.
    DM: The drow curses, then makes you promise you will let her go after explaining.
    Luna: I promise I won't let you go if you don't.
    DM: She snarls, then explains that Sendai tried to subdue Yaga-Shura by way of Sarevok's plan.
    DM: While it might have worked, they could not match his military might and get close to him.
    DM: Speaking of which...
    DM: You are surrounded.
    Luna: Where is Sendai?
    DM: Dead.
    Luna: Sarevok, is this Sendai?
    Sarevok: No. Are you done with her?
    Luna: Not if it means-
    Sarevok: *hack slash gut*
    Luna: Yeah that.

    DM: Yaga-Shura's army has you cornered. The giant himself leads the charge.
    Luna: Sarevok. Plan?
    Sarevok: If I had one that didn't depend on Sendai's cooperation, I wouldn't have bargained with her.
    Luna: So?
    Sarevok: I will not run.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Neither will I.
    Sendany: I thought running was a great idea.
    Yoshimo: I am inclined to agree.
    Sarevok: *charges*
    Luna: *follows*
    Yoshimo: Well.
    Yoshimo: I will lend bow to cause, I suppose.
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: (If there's any way to lose only Sarevok...)

    DM: The battle is joined. Sarevok cuts a swath through Yaga-Shura's ranks, but the giant himself proves impervious, time and time again.
    DM: While Luna is able to keep Sarevok alive, time is not on your side.
    DM: With Sarevok clearly being too enraged to strike at anyone but Yaga-Shura, and his soldiers intimidated, the battle becomes a duel between the two great Bhaalspawn.
    DM: A duel Sarevok cannot win.

    Sendany: Luna.
    Luna: What? I'm trying to keep Sarevok alive.
    Sendany: Leave him to his fate and let's run.
    Luna: Run where, exactly?
    Sendany: ANYWHERE but here.
    Luna: I can't.
    Sendany: Are you going to die for Sarevok's sake?
    Luna: Sendy, I don't know if it escaped you, but we're guilty of great evil in aiding Cocoamancer.
    Luna: Even if we escape Yaga-Shura, we cannot escape justice.
    Sendany: We'll lie low. We'll-
    Luna: Yes, we'll lie low. Lie low enduring the tales of all the death and destruction Yaga-Shura causes in his hunt for us.
    Sendany: And is Sarevok any better?
    Luna: The devil you know.
    Sendany: *grabs Luna's arm*
    Luna: NO.
    Luna: You want to help me? Help Sarevok.
    Luna: Let's do SOMETHING right while we still live.
    Sendany: Helping Sarevok?
    Luna: Ending the bloodshed.
    Sendany: We are only about to become part of it.
    Luna: Then SO BE IT. If you have any sense of responsibility, may it find us victory here.
    Sendany: And if not?
    Luna: Then may our hearts be that much lighter when the giant eats them.

    DM: Yaga-Shura continues to rain blows upon Sarevok. The latter swings furiously, fueled by the belief that his murderous essence can overpower the giant's immortality.
    Sarevok: SAREVOK WILL STAND SUPREME!
    DM: Yet, no blow ever leaves a mark.

    Sendany: Yoshimo, help me get Luna out of here.
    Yoshimo: All due respect, but escape would be tricky enough even if she were willing.
    Sendany: But she won't listen!
    Yoshimo: Again, all due respect, but I think that is mutual.
    Sendany: THE GIANT IS IMMORTAL!
    Yoshimo: Sarevok seemed to have a plan.
    Sendany: But I...
    Yoshimo: I don't know it. Think on it.

    Sendany: I don't know.
    Sendany: I don't know.
    Sendany: I DON'T KNOW.
    Sendany: I DON'T KNOW HOW THE FUCK I AM SUPPOSED TO FIX THIS.
    Sendany: WHAT DO I HAVE. SWORD. BOW. WAND. GEM BAG. TINDERBOX.
    Sendany: ...
    Sendany: Tinderbox.
    Sendany: Hey, ANYONE! I have a TINDERBOX.
    Sendany: A rare ass motherfucking tinderbox.
    Sendany: QUANTUM ROCKET SURGERY AT ITS FINEST.
    Sendany: I repeat: I. Have. A. Tinderbox.
    DM: A Dimension Door appears before Sendany-

    David: No stop.
    David: I'm all for creative solutions, but not involving the tinderbox.
    David: Our only means of making Yaga-Shura vulnerable are leagues away in the Marching Mountains.
    David: So unless you're going to lamely tell us that Tepp and Sharwyn went to deal with that just now, Sarevok should die.
    Peter: Pff.
    Peter: Maybe that's what WOULD have happened if you didn't set up tinderboxes to be rarer than diamonds.
    David: *sigh*

    Uber Wizard of Doom: A TINDERBOX!
    Uber Wizard of Doom: You WILL give that to me.
    Sendany: I will not GIVE it to you.
    Uber Wizard of Doom: You are no match for me.
    Sendany: I am not.
    Sendany: Nor am I a match for Yaga-Shura. I could run in and get myself crushed under his hammer.
    Sendany: Myself, and the tinderbox.
    Sendany: Could you stop me?
    Uber Wizard of Doom: ...
    Uber Wizard of Doom: Did you have a deal in mind?
    Uber Wizard of Doom: And I warn you - I may yet take you up on that wager if I find your request unreasonable.
    Sendany: I wish only for two scrolls.
    Uber Wizard of Doom: Name them.
    Sendany: Wish and Shapechange.
    Uber Wizard of Doom: Only one.
    Sendany: Tinderbox.
    Uber Wizard of Doom: Fine, fine. We are agreed.

    DM: Sarevok is tiring and in pain. Luna is all but drained of energy. Yoshimo is contemplating escape.
    DM: ...when suddenly, Sendany sneaks up behind Yaga-Shura and deftly climbs to his shoulder.
    DM: In an expert display of agility, Sendany reads the Shapechange scroll while maintaining his balance.
    DM: Sendany turns into a mind flayer, and quickly devours Yaga-Shura's brain.
    DM: The giant falls, and his army immediately disperses.

    Johnny: Fuck YES!
    Johnny: Great job man.
    Sandra: Huh, what happened to his immortality?
    Johnny: Not immune to int drain baby. HO YEAH.
    Sandra: That's weird.
    David: It's a stupid oversight that the jackass shouldn't permit to grant victory.
    Peter: I'm just adhering to the game rules here, as I always do.
    Sandra: So that was Sarevok's plan?
    Johnny: Yup.
    Sandra: Sure wasn't something I might have guessed.
    David: Some time ago, that could have been true for the author too.
    David: I sense he didn't know about this until he came to these forums a self-declared expert and complained that wizards were underpowered in ToB.
    Johnny: Bahahaha!

    Peter: Wait what?
    Peter: I was designed by that idiot??
    Peter: I WANT A NEW CREATOR!
    Sandra: Um... you can only be created once.
    Peter: Well a new author then. A proper one.
    David: Stop complaining.
    David: Whether I'm DM'ing or playing, I'm always the victim of your plots.
    David: They always work. When they don't, it's only so that a larger one might instead.
    David: I have seemingly endless patience for your bullshit. I may snap but I never leave the table.
    David: I live with my parents, you are a millionaire, but despite how long we seem to have known each other, you don't seem to be offering me any financial aid.
    David: A PROPER author would at the very least give me way more opportunities for roleplay.
    Peter: Please, you have it all the time.
    Peter: He just doesn't POST that boring shit.
    Peter: People want to read about my schemes and your tantrums-
    Sandra: And mine, I think.
    Peter: -not the full hour of RP you alone get every game night.
    Andy: And my inspirational laid-back attitude.
    Johnny: And Sarevok's propensity for violence.
    Peter: You notice how the rest of us didn't need to involve our characters?
    Johnny: Well I'm not sure what's funny about me OOC.
    Sandra: Your inability to catch up with the plot?
    Johnny: Dude, I've read it.
    Sandra: Uh huh.
    Peter: I'm warning you Johnny, you're really setting yourself up to outdo David's victim complex this campaign.
    Johnny: Dude. I've READ it.
    Peter: I hope so. You have one last week to catch up if not.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Consequences...

    Johnny: DUDE.
    Peter: Yeah?
    Johnny: Dude this title is scary.
    Johnny: Every episode named something with consequences, BAD shit happens.
    Peter: Well, I'm glad you've read up.
    Johnny: Dude I was 100% up to date already last week.
    Peter: Sure.
    Johnny: What's gonna happen?
    Peter: Well, obviously I have some plot elements in mind, but who's to say the author named it after them?

    Sally: Hey.
    Peter: Hey.
    Johnny: Yo.
    David: *shudder*
    Sally: Sorry, no tacos. I wasn't supposed to come here, but...
    Sally: Saaandraaaa?
    Sandra: Yeah yeah. Andy. Andy. ANDY.
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Andy: *trips into the room*
    David: ...
    Peter: So...
    Sally: I think Sandra is sober enough to explain.
    Sandra: Hey, Andy lost the bet.
    Andy: So worth it...
    Peter: What bet?
    Andy: She-
    Sandra: No, we're not going to tell everyone what the bet was.
    Sandra: Just the consequences of it.
    Johnny: AHA!
    Sandra: Oh, the title. Didn't mean to.
    Johnny: Dammit.
    Sandra: We went hunting for Piña Chocolada again. Only this time Andy had to finish the drinks after I decided they sucked.
    Sandra: Hehehe.
    Sally: So Sandra is tipsy and Andy is drunk and I had to drive them.
    Peter: Thank you, Sally. This will be a particularly interesting game night then.
    Sally: Ohh. Can I watch?
    David: *icy stare*
    Peter: You can watch, but no Yllaseras will be permitted.
    Sally: Sure sure!

    Andy: Oh my god guys...
    Andy: I've got it.
    Andy: Sally...
    Andy: Is Jon Irenicus.
    Sandra: Hehehe.
    Sally: Huh.
    Johnny: Uh?
    Andy: Same font color bro.
    Sally: Eh.
    Sally: I'm a girl, Andy. I can't be named Jon.
    Andy: Nah...
    Sally: Well, that makes sense to me at least.
    Andy: Wait...
    Andy: Wait wait wait.
    Andy: Don't you mean to say...
    Andy: This is not to be contested, it seems logical enough.
    Peter: Hahaha.
    Sally: Whatevs. Playing?

    DM: Leaving the battlefield, you happen upon Sendai's horribly mangled corpse.
    DM: She is most certainly dead, and her killer made sure to keep her face mostly intact so nobody would needlessly start speculating that she's not.
    DM: With Yaga-Shura gone, the only-
    Sally: Wait wait.
    David: *glare*
    Sally: Just get me up to speed a little. Are these really bad guys?
    Sandra: Extremely loaded on tacos.
    Sally: Cool! And noble Sarevok defeated them?
    Sandra: ...after a fashion.
    Johnny: One of them was even immortal!
    Sandra: Wowww.
    Sandra: How did you do that.
    David: Sally, you can read up too. In fact, take JJ with you and start from the beginning.
    Johnny: (DUDE.)
    Sandra: Don't be so cranky.
    Sandra: As for how we did it... well, we... stood our ground and improvised.
    Sally: He was immortal and you didn't flee?
    Sally: That's crazy!
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Andy: How wonderfully mad of you!
    Peter: Hahaha.
    Johnny: Hehehe.
    Sally: Omygod Andy, it's like you've forgotten who I am.
    Andy: HAHAHA.
    Andy: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHOM YOU FACE?!
    Sally: You've had too many drinks.
    Andy: Nononono.
    Andy: I call for a Dudes' Council meeting upstairs.
    Andy: Also hand me the car keys.
    Sally: What, no. That would be incriminating.
    Andy: I'm not gonna drive. Hehehe.
    Sally: Mmm.
    Sally: Peter, it's on you if he does.
    Sally: *throws keys*

    The Dudes' Council assembles upstairs. Peter follows Andy outside. They take two bottles of liquor out of the car.

    Andy: Hehehe.
    Andy: Okay okay.
    Andy: We should have a drinking game.
    Andy: Whenever someone manages to warp Sally's words into an Irenicus quote, he gets to decide who has to drink a shot.
    Peter: Heh.
    Johnny: I'm in favor.
    David: Mind that you don't make a mess and I'm okay with it.

    Sally: ...so I told her, you can't just put up with that just 'cause he's hot.
    Andy: AHHH!
    Andy: EHEHE.
    Andy: Why do you submit to the flesh?
    David: Mmm.
    Peter: It's kind of a half-quote.
    Andy: Come on and drink dudes.
    Andy: JJ, first one is yours.
    Johnny: Bottoms up!
    Sandra: Are we playing or drinking? Do I get a glass?
    Andy: Um...
    Andy: We're playing.

    DM: You head for Amkethran, Balthazar's stronghold. Rumor has it that news of your victory has traveled fast, and Yaga-Shura's troops are either deserting or mutineering. This is the time to take out the last of the Five, you figure.
    DM: Yet word of the battle at Watcher's Keep too has spread far and wide, and Helm's followers are looking for you.
    Yoshimo: How could we hope to hide from the Watcher himself, I wonder.
    Sarevok: Pfah! Let his clergymen come. I will cut them down.
    Sally: Ooo, noble Sarevok stands his ground.
    David: Sarevok is NOT noble.
    Sally: David, you just don't understand it because you're full of evil.
    Peter: You are different... inside.
    Andy: BAHAHA!
    Peter: David, drink.
    David: Cheers.
    Sally: Omygod stupid boys.

    DM: A retinue of Helmites approaches you.
    DM: These are the ones! exclaims their leader.
    Sendany: You stupid fucks already found Tepp or what.
    David: Ahh, nothing like drunken roleplaying.
    Peter: I don't know, it didn't sound that uncharacteristic.
    Sarevok: Do not interfere, weaklings.
    Sarevok: *hack slash gut*

    Sally: What a stupid name, Helm. I'm glad noble Sarevok taught his followers a lesson.
    David: Yeah, we should rejoice that a very important deity is getting his ass indirectly kicked, all justified by his name.
    Sally: See, you're beginning to take after Sarevok, finally.
    David: Let me know when you're done thinking Sarevok is good and noble.
    Sally: I will never be done thinking that.
    David: It will not end, you know. HA! Jackass, drink.
    Andy: HAHAHA!
    Andy: Hic!
    Peter: Finally.
    Sandra: I don't get the rules.
    Peter: Frankly, you should be proud of yourself for that.
    Sandra: I would trade some pride for a shot or two.
    Sally: Nuh uh. You've had enough.
    Andy: Sally, you should drink!
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Sally: I'm driving, nutjob.
    Sandra: But I'm not!
    Sally: No no.
    Sally: Your hangovers are THE WORST.
    Sandra: Tomorrow is so far away.
    Sally: Sandra, this is for your sake.
    Andy: Hehehehehe.
    Johnny: Silly girl, you just don't understand what I'm doing, do you?
    Andy: AHAHA I WANTED TO SAY THAT!!
    Peter: Hehehe.
    Johnny: David.
    David: Don't mind if I do.

    Two dozen shots, one annoyed Sally and very little plot progression later...

    Andy: Hehehehe.
    Andy: Sally Irenicus hehehehehehehe.
    Peter: Hehehe.
    Johnny: I love you guys.
    Johnny: Hic!
    David: Shally don't shtop talking.
    Sally: I had no idea I could be so entertaining.
    Andy: AHAHAHA!
    Andy: No wait...
    Andy: No I got nothing...

    DM: Ok so.
    DM: Hehehehe.
    DM: Ok so there are more Helmites approaching. Far too numerous for you to handle.
    Sarevok: I got this guys. Me and my friend Mr. Squirrel.
    Yoshimo: Oh Sharevok, you're sho aweshome.
    Sendany: I urge caution. Hic! Hahaha.
    Luna: Well yeah, that would make sense. There's no need to antagonize them further.
    Sarevok: I don't wanna hide!!!!
    Yoshimo: LUNA UNHAND ME PLEASE PLEASE!
    DM: The Helmites are carrying a huge neon sign saying they wanna be friends!
    Sendany: Yay friends!!
    DM: Okay but seriously.
    DM: Hehehe.
    DM: No they wanna kick your asses I think.
    David: You think? DM doeshn't know?
    Peter: Hehehe.
    David: HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.
    Sally: If the fun wasn't at my expense, I'd have said I'm more tempted to play this time than the previous.
    Andy: Aww Sally.
    Andy: Hehehe.
    Andy: Grab a new sheet and see if you can make a proper character! Hic!
    Sally: I suppose I could give it another try.
    Andy: HAHAHA!
    Andy: It is time for more hic! Experiments!
    Peter: HAHAHA!
    Johnny: GO ANDY!
    Sally: It seems you can twist anything I say into I don't even know.
    Andy: YOU ARE MORE RESOURCEFUL THAN I HAD THOUGHT!
    David: BAHAHAHA!
    Sally: Andy, can I have just one moment of peace?
    Andy: MUST I BE INTERRUPTED AT EVERY TURN!
    Peter: I CAN'T BREATHE HAHAHA!
    Sally: I'm done here.
    Andy: I WILL NO LONGER LISTEN TO THE BABBLING OF IGNORANT CHILDREN.
    David: HAHAHA GO ANDY!
    Sandra: Hehehe.
    Sandra: No no Sally stay.
    Sally: Don't tell me what to do.
    Andy: I CANNOT BE CONTROLLED!
    Andy: BAHAHA!
    Sandra: Stay, I'll... hehehe... keep Andy in check.
    Sally: No, I can't be made to stay here a minute longer.
    Andy: I CANNOT BE CAGED!
    Sally: Omygod Andy I'm never letting you get drunk again.
    Andy: ...
    Johnny: C-c-c-combo breaker!
    Andy: Noo.
    Sally: I can't believe you haven't stopped this yet, Sandra.
    Andy: WHY DO YOU STAND FOR THIS!
    Peter: HE RETURNS WITH A VENGEANCE!

    Sandra: Okay okay okay okay.
    Sally: Mmmmmmmm.
    Sandra: You going clubbing?
    Sally: Not a minute too soon.
    Sandra: I think they're all too drunk to play, so could we come with you?
    Sally: Uh, no?
    Sandra: If they act like jerks in there, we'll pretend we don't know them and have them thrown out.
    Sally: Mmmm.
    Peter: Just let us get SOMETHING done here first.
    Sally: Mmmmmm.
    Sally: Don't be too long.
    Sally: Also, there isn't room for six in the car.
    Sandra: That's alright, they won't let Andy in anyway.
    Sandra: (Probably not the rest of them either.)
    Andy: Whaaaaaaaat!
    Andy: I can walk straight.
    Andy: Almost... hic!
    Andy: Oh oh oh that was six quotes.
    Andy: ANDY ALL ARE YOURS.
    Andy: WHY THANK YOU ANDY.
    Peter: Uhh...

    DM: Right, so... Helmite war party.
    DM: Will you-
    Andy: HUG THEM!
    Sendany: HEY FRIENDS!
    DM: ...
    Anomen: You are Sendany Mayocomb.
    Sendany: HEY SUCKY ACCENT GUY.
    Luna: Sendy, we shouldn't provoke them.
    Sarevok: Wait maybe we should. Mr. Squirrel and I are discussing.
    Yoshimo: Shiny rock... shiny rock...
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Sendy, don't.
    Sendany: SUCKY ACCENT GUY LETS BE FRIENDS. DRINKS ARE ON ME.
    Anomen: I know not what sort of ruse this is, but defend yourselves, fiends.
    Sarevok: Mr. Squirrel says they are friends.
    Yoshimo: I can't danshe on the head of a pin right now!
    DM: The Helmites attack Sendany.
    Sendany: HEY!
    Sendany: HEY HEY HEY!
    Sendany: Fight me ALONE.
    Anomen: As you wish, cur. Your friends stay out and I shall grant you the honor of dying in single combat.
    Luna: ...
    Luna: Sendy.
    DM: Hehehehehehehehehe.
    DM: Luna is grappled, she can't help.

    Sandra: This is going terrible. We should stop.
    Sally: Oh no, I understand what's happening here.
    Sally: Andy's little dude is about get killed.
    Andy: Nononono I've got this.
    Andy: I'm rolling 16d10+6 for my damage, hehehe.
    Peter: It's only eight dice.
    David: Jeez it's four.
    Johnny: Dude it's two.
    Sandra: It's ONE.
    Andy: Well I still got it.

    Fifteen rounds and equally many idiotic actions later...

    DM: ...
    DM: Anomen kills Sendany.
    Andy: HEHEHEHEHEHE.
    David: Hehehe.
    Johnny: Yeah die stupid thief telling Sarevok what to do. Hehehe.
    David: *opensh envelope*
    Sandra: Uh, you're not actually pronouncing that...
    David: Shorry.
    David: *opens envelope*
    David: It'sh all in order...
    Sandra: I see...
    Peter: Well... hehehe.
    Peter: You're still in deep shit.
    David: Let'sh fiksh that tomorrow!
    Sally: Are you ready?
    Sandra: Yeah, we're ready... ugh.
    Sandra: We shouldn't have played in this state.
    Andy: Sendany is just taking a nap. Hehehe.
    Andy: Okay let's go. Hic!
    Sally: Nuh uh, Andy. You're not coming. You can barely stand.
    Andy: Nonsense.
    Sally: And you look tired.
    Andy: I'll *yawn* get better.
    Sally: Not tonight you won't.
    Andy: I so will.
    Sally: Andy.
    Andy: Uhh...
    Andy: Uh?
    Andy: Uh yeah, I'll fight it off.
    Sally: Andy.
    Andy: Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...
    Sally: There is no battle. No heroics. Only sleep.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497

    Tymora's blessing

    The next day...

    Andy: Guys guys guys guys guys guys guys.
    Andy: Why is Sendany dead??
    Peter: I think he got killed... memory a little fuzzy.
    Andy: He died by getting killed? Sendany, I expected better.
    David: I think...
    David: No I can't remember.
    Sandra: Ugh.
    Sandra: Since I was relatively sober yesterday: Sendany got killed by Anomen.
    Peter: BAHAHAHA!
    Andy: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
    Andy: ...
    Andy: WHAT.
    Sandra: Read up if you don't believe me.
    Andy: How could you do this to me??
    Sandra: Hey, you brought it on yourself.
    Andy: Not Sendany's death.
    Andy: The part where you allow me to sober up after losing Sendany to ANOMEN.
    Andy: It wasn't a fair fight, was it?
    Sandra: It was a duel...
    Andy: Oh this is too much.
    Andy: Can you resurrect him?
    Sandra: Eh.
    Peter: Well yeah, assuming you get out of that mess first.
    Andy: Describe said mess.
    Peter: Sendany is dead-
    Johnny: By Anomen's hand.
    Andy: DON'T SAY IT.
    Peter: -Luna is grappled, Sarevok is talking to a squirrel and Yoshimo is admiring rocks.
    Peter: Your opponents: A high level Helmite war party.
    Andy: Well! I'm off to buy more liquor to celebrate Sendany's return.
    Andy: You guys got this covered, I think.
    Peter: His return?
    Andy: Bro, he IS getting resurrected.
    Peter: Sure, if they get away with his body.
    Peter: Perhaps a better use of your time might be...
    Peter: *presents empty character sheet*

    Andy: NO.
    Andy: Sendany will LIVE.
    Andy: *rises from chair*
    Sandra: Sweetie, no.
    Sandra: Alcohol got him killed to begin with.
    Andy: But ANOMEN. Like.
    Andy: ANOMEN.
    Andy: I need to forget...
    Andy: Hey can we go to the pocket plane and summon Anomen to join us and have him resurrect Sendany?
    Peter: No.
    Andy: Arrrrrrrrrrgh.
    Andy: Bro Sendany can't be out.
    Andy: I mean it's bad enough that I'm clearly not Gorion's Ward.
    Johnny: You didn't realize until now?
    Sandra: What, and you did?
    Johnny: Please, I know my brother. It was always obvious.
    David: Really now.
    Johnny: Really now.
    David: Well, if you say so.
    Andy: Sendany's death had meaning enough just for that revelation. That's pretty huge really.
    Andy: Let him return and live out his mortal life in peace.
    Andy: He wishes only to see this story through and then retire as an accent insulter.
    Peter: As I said, if they get away with his body.
    Andy: Bro.
    Andy: Bro bro bro.
    Andy: Where is TEPP in all this.
    Andy: And CAVES.
    Andy: They are the real assholes. Poor Sendany was just a tool. A mindless grunt.
    Andy: Tepp should come to the rescue of his dear friend Sendany.
    Peter: Ugh.
    Peter: Well, I do have something in mind along those lines.
    Andy: *sits down*
    Andy: Sendany WILL return.

    DM: As the Helmites turn their attention to Sarevok and Yoshimo, a few familiar faces appear upon the scene.
    Tepp: Unhand her and walk away.
    Anomen: You.
    David: Snore.
    David: So what, we're listening to Andy being a baby about losing his character?
    David: I don't like this little miracle coming in to save the day.
    Peter: Well in fairness, we were playing drunk.
    Peter: We should cut us all some slack here.
    Peter: Also, I think you'll like the twist.
    David: Fair enough.

    Anomen: Fiends, you are not the only ones with powerful friends at your beck and call.
    DM: Anomen summons a host of reinforcements, by way of some Helmite artifact. Amidst everyone else's astonishment, Caves sneaks up on Luna's captors and frees her, escaping narrowly.
    DM: Luna and Caves rejoin the others, but you are all surrounded and outnumbered, and Sendany's body is out of reach.
    Anomen: Surrender, fiends.
    Anomen: Helm sees all. There is no ruse that will fool us.
    Luna: If you kill us, Balthazar will be the last Bhaalspawn.
    Anomen: As opposed to whom? One of you lot? I don't see how he is a worse option.
    Andy: Bro don't make such an effort with that moron's accent.
    Andy: I hate his guts.
    Tepp: Caves, do your thing.
    Dark Caves: Yeah, because messing with the gods has worked out so well for me.
    Tepp: You know you can't resist.
    Dark Caves: It's bothersome that you know I know I can't resist.
    Tepp: One day we'll be old and gray and look back on these days and smile fondly.
    Dark Caves: Ha.
    Dark Caves: Neither of us will live to grow old.
    Tepp: I know right, but you get the point.
    Dark Caves: Right, right.
    Dark Caves: But you do understand this will have consequences?
    Tepp: Oh yeah, but there's no other option.
    Dark Caves: Sure. Allow me to work my blasphemy, then.

    David: What is he doing, and what will the consequences be?
    Peter: Secret.
    David: Well, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to like about you empowering that guy to mess with the gods again.
    David: This Dark Caves guy can like, summon Szass Tam to make him a sandwich. That's how powerful you've made him.
    Peter: Dude, just bear with me for this episode.
    Peter: Also, he's just a genius. If you destroy his devices he's only a high level F/M/T. Powerful, but not exactly unbeatable.
    Peter: I hope that is incentive enough to not let this device get damaged.
    Sandra: Did you bring anyone else than him?
    Peter: Well, Sharwyn, for what it's worth.
    Sandra: Nona?
    Peter: Nona is terribly busy with the nascent Church of Cocoamancer. A fragile young religion that is certainly not interested in further angering Helm.
    Peter: However, Cocoamancer might have her aid you if and when it can be done discretely.
    Sandra: I didn't say I wanted her help.
    Sandra: No Pistol or Ciclop either, then?
    David: Cyclop.
    Peter: Indeed.

    DM: You hold the line against overpowering numbers while Caves calibrates another device of his that should simply not be.
    DM: While you deliver more pain than you receive, the Helmites are of calm and tactical minds, and swap out injured warriors to be healed.
    DM: After several minutes of combat, much blood has been spilled but very few lives have been lost.
    Johnny: (Suck on Deathbringer Assault, healfucks.)
    DM: The suspicion that the Helmites will win a battle of attrition gnaws ever at your minds...
    Luna: We need to get Sendany and run.
    Yoshimo: I am fairly sure they are prepared for such a move.
    Luna: We can't leave him behind!
    Yoshimo: Much less can we hope to break their line.
    Tepp: Or hope to outrun them while carrying him.
    Luna: Caves?
    Dark Caves: Truly you are a conflicted priestess to look to me for your miracles.
    Dark Caves: A few moments more.
    Luna: Keep him safe.

    Sarevok: DIE!
    DM: Sarevok's relentless attacks briefly break the Helmites' shield wall.
    DM: Burning with rage, he leaps through and swings at the clerics in the back line.
    DM: The Helmites are sent briefly into disarray. Noting this, Caves trades caution for speed, and makes good progress.
    DM: Yet, as your opponents regroup, you are once again fighting their line of formidable warriors, only without Sarevok to hold them at bay.
    DM: Your defenses buckle. Just as Caves finishes his tinkering, Sharwyn falls.
    DM: And Tepp would like to cry out and hold her, but unlike in Hollywood, the battle does not stop so that plot significant characters can mourn safely.
    Sandra: Haha.
    Andy: Bro, Sendany is more plot significant than you at this point, and no one tried to mourn him.
    Johnny: Is not.
    David: I'm itching to know what Caves has done this time. Carry on.

    DM: While there is no directly perceivable effect of Caves' work, the sudden turn in the tide of battle suggests there's something he did, beyond leaving his device behind to lend sword and spell.
    DM: Sarevok's wild swings suddenly find purchase without fail, and the Helmites' discipline crumbles.
    DM: You break through their line as your attacks strike true, together with several warriors turning back to fight Sarevok.
    DM: Within the moment, you reach Sendany's body.
    Andy: Gooooo!
    Dark Caves: You have him, now get out.
    Luna: Get out? We'll have won this before long.
    Dark Caves: I SAID GET OUT.
    Tepp: Allow me.
    Tepp: Dimension Door.

    DM: You arrive in Amkethran, the site of Balthazar's monastery.
    DM: Caves is not with you. A fading image of Tepp is, and it has something to say.
    Tepp: Caves did his part. But now you are on your own, and in severe trouble.
    Luna: Well, this is where we wanted to go, isn't it? Now we'll just lie low and lick our wounds.
    Tepp: UGH! It's not FORTUNE that brought you to Amkethran, and certainly not where I tried to send us.
    Luna: Speak clearly.
    Tepp: Caves forced a favor out of Tymora. Lady Luck was on our side briefly. VERY much on our side.
    Tepp: Now she's very much against us. VERY MUCH.
    David: Hehe.
    David: Okay, this could be fun.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
  • enqenqenqenq Member Posts: 497
    edited August 2015

    Tymora's curse

    Sandra: So...
    Sandra: So that's why we were getting all those good rolls.
    Peter: Yup.
    Sandra: And now our rolls will suck?
    Peter: TERRIBLY.
    Sandra: While we're surrounded by enemies.
    Peter: Yup.
    Andy: Come on and resurrect Sendany already.
    Andy: There's no roll for that.
    Andy: RIGHT?
    Peter: Yeah okay.
    Sandra: Fine, fine...

    Sendany: It's good to be back!
    Sendany: What's our situation?
    Luna: Trying to hide while waiting out Tymora's spite...
    Sendany: Pfah. We can handle a little bad luck.
    Andy: We're in a house, yeah?
    Andy: I move carefully to look out a window.
    Peter: Sendany trips over a table, shattering an urn and a glass, then headbutts the stone wall.
    Andy: ...
    Andy: Bro, 19 dexterity.
    Peter: Bro, bad luck.
    David: Well, it would be prudent to lock the door, I suppose.
    David: Yoshimo picks it so as to lock it.
    Peter: I think you mean, Yoshimo drops the pick three times then shoves it up his nose.
    Johnny: Bahaha.
    Johnny: Better be on the safe side. Sarevok sheathes his sword.
    Peter: For 17 damage.
    Johnny: Gah.
    Peter: What does Luna do?
    Sandra: Nothing! Sheesh, incompetence is rampant.
    Peter: Luna swings wildly at a chair, breaking it, then yodels to celebrate the destruction.
    Sandra: I said she does nothing.
    Peter: She had bad luck trying to do nothing.
    Sandra: How exactly can you have bad luck trying to do nothing??
    Peter: Like you try to do nothing but you end up doing something.
    Andy: Or turn on the TV and one of the D&D movies is running...
    Sandra: Uh huh.
    Peter: Luna is a little restless, it seems.
    Sandra: Yeah yeah.
    Peter: Like seriously, did you think I was gonna let you wait the curse out just picking your noses?
    Peter: Uh, no pun intended.
    Peter: You have made too much noise. There's a knock on the door.

    Andy: Okay let's hide.
    Sandra: Yeah that's gonna work.
    Andy: Cheri.
    Andy: I think it's pretty clear that we need to play his game here. Look what happened when you tried not to.
    Sandra: Fine, fine...
    Sandra: We all find somewhere to hide.
    DM: A guard opens the door with sword in hand.
    DM: Sendany however, thinks himself concealed, hiding behind Sarevok. Sarevok too feels safe, hiding behind Yoshimo. Yoshimo is certain he's well hidden behind Luna. Luna is confident in her hiding spot behind Sendany. All in the middle of the room.
    DM: You're not from around here, the guard remarks.
    Andy: Okay okay, we need a good lie.
    Sendany: We got lost trying to find a place to give our pet orangutan a bath.
    Andy: Whaaaaaaaaaaat.
    Andy: We don't even HAVE one.
    Johnny: Dude, it's a metaphor.
    Andy: Oh.
    Andy: But does the guard know of it?
    Guard: *gives Luna a curious look*
    Guard: Three at a time? If you're that insatiable, you're very welcome to move in at the barracks.
    Sandra: ...
    Sandra: And I suppose I have to respond to that?
    Peter: There are some more chairs to break if not.
    Sandra: Okay, tell him...
    Luna: It wasn't a metaphor.
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Guard: Oh? Where then is your monkey?
    Guard: *eyes Yoshimo*
    David: Hmm.
    David: I dance on the head of a pin while making primate noises.
    DM: Yoshimo expertly licks his elbow.
    DM: The guard is a little impressed, a little weirded out and very suspicious.
    Peter: (Readers: Vote insightful if you just tried to lick your elbows.)
    Andy: (Vote agree if you tried to lick them after reading Peter's line.)
    Johnny: Well, best deal with him before he summons reinforcements. For all I know, we're so incompetent we could freeze to death in a desert.
    Sandra: Um, actually-
    Johnny: You get the point.
    Sandra: Whatever.
    Johnny: Sarevok threatens the guard.
    Sarevok: You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
    Andy: I dunno, that's a pretty effective threat.
    Andy: Would you risk turning Sarevok down?
    Peter: Well, if only the guard knew he's Sarevok.
    Guard: ...
    Guard: *blows a horn*

    Sandra: So...
    Sandra: Um.
    Andy: Sendany makes utmost effort to not surrender.
    Peter: ...
    Peter: And just what does that translate to?
    Andy: When the curse is accounted for, it should translate into him surrendering.
    Peter: Yes, so let's fill this episode with "Sendany makes utmost effort to not achieve his desired goal."
    Andy: I can rephrase it a bit for variety.
    Peter: No go.
    David: Wait, if it does work like that, we should be able to kill them by trying our best not to.
    Peter: Just NO.
    David: You wouldn't accept a no from me were the tables turned.
    Peter: It is a curse of bad luck, titwit. Not a curse of inverse outcomes or something.
    Peter: If you wish to create your own bad luck, all the less trouble for Tymora.
    Peter: Now, is anyone going to do anything?
    Johnny: Dude everyone's expecting us to cut ourselves on our own weapons or something anyway.
    Johnny: The jokes won't catch anyone by surprise.
    Peter: Hmm.
    Peter: Very well, I can work with this.

    DM: You are led through Amkethran by six guards. Fortunately for you, no one has recognized you, but Balthazar is certain to.
    DM: Perhaps his lieutenants are informed enough as well. If you could escape before you're brought to one, they might not think it's a huge deal.
    DM: As you walk, you notice that if you put all your mind to it, you don't constantly stumble anymore. It seems the curse is weakening, if only a little.
    DM: You are brought onto a bridge, upon which stands an orc, looking out at the city. He seems to be these guards' commander.
    DM: Now is your last chance to make a move. Sarevok, ever the impulsive one, rises to the occasion.
    DM: What does he do?
    Johnny: Hmm.
    Johnny: Well, I suppose we need to make sure the orc doesn't see us, and he's just asking for a prod in the right direction.
    DM: You are led within reach, and he still hasn't turned around.
    Johnny: I reach out-
    Sandra: Wait, aren't our hands tied?
    Peter: They took pity on you. You needed them to break your constant falls.
    Sandra: Right...
    DM: You reach out the push the orc off the bridge, but instead lightly caress his back. He is uncomfortable.
    Johnny: *sigh*
    DM: The orc reflexively goes to crush your larynx in response, but instead entwines his fingers in your hair.
    Andy: Bahahaha.
    David: Hehe.
    Johnny: Um.
    Johnny: Nice try, but Sarevok is bald.
    Peter: Drat.
    Peter: Fuuuuuuck.
    Peter: Well great job pointing that out, you're going to the dungeons then.
    Johnny: I'm pretty sure that was the better option here.

    DM: You're sharing a cell, shoddy by every definition except its ability to contain you. Your weapons are on the other side of the bars, beyond your reach.
    DM: The curse is still strong, but the words on your tongues will be the same as those formed in your minds.
    Luna: Well, great.
    Luna: When Balthazar comes, we'll be done for.
    Luna: Ideas?
    Yoshimo: It is a curse, yes?
    Yoshimo: Can you not remove it?
    Luna: While affected by it myself? I'd rather not try.
    Luna: And that goes for any other solution involving magic.
    Sarevok: When Balthazar comes, you'll be wishing you had tried, fool.
    Sarevok: If all we dare do is SPEAK, then may we find a way to speak ourselves to death right here and now.
    Luna: Ugh, fine. But it will be you I try it on, then.
    Sarevok: Go on.
    Sandra: Well?
    DM: No spectacular failure is all I can say.
    Sarevok: Well, my limbs do seem to obey me better...
    Sarevok: See? Again.
    Luna: Um.
    Luna: I can't.
    Sarevok: ...
    Luna: What, you expected me to prepare for all four of us getting cursed? Let alone a curse I cannot even fully remove in one go?
    Sarevok: ARGH!

    Johnny: Hey Pocket Pl-
    DM: Nope nope nope nope.
    Johnny: Asshole.
    Johnny: Wait.
    Johnny: Andy, you have a Wish scroll. If Luna changes her memos and you use that-
    Andy: Yeah, except Sendany has a modest wisdom score and is still cursed.
    Andy: I mean, it's hard enough to get a good Wish off even under ideal circumstances.
    Andy: Still, in the interest of using that scroll well in the future, does anyone have an elixir of insight for Sendany?
    David: Yup.
    Andy: Cheers.
    Johnny: Well, then what do we do.
    David: #s03e11 #foreshadowing
    Johnny: Huh?
    Sandra: No, fuck that.
    Andy: It's our best shot.
    Sandra: *sigh*
    Andy: Not sure how to go about doing that, though...
    Johnny: What are we trying to do?
    Sandra: *whisper*
    Johnny: Aha.

    Yoshimo: Hey sir guard! Might we have a visitor?
    Guard: Oh yeah, sure. Lord Balthazar will be here within the hour, I think.
    Yoshimo: Does no one else wish to see us?
    Guard: Are you expecting a fair trial as well?
    David: Is there really only one guard for us?
    Peter: You've raised suspicion, but you are terribly incompetent. Balthazar doesn't know what his guards have caught.
    Peter: Else you wouldn't have an hour.

    Johnny: Sarevok could bend the bars. He's that strong.
    DM: Indeed, but what would you do next?
    Johnny: Hmm hmm hmm.
    Andy: I've got nothing.
    David: *shrug*
    Sandra: Can't say I'm really trying, but nothing.
    DM: The guard gave you an hour. Might you wait half that duration to see if the curse fades or an opportunity presents itself?
    Sandra: Eh, sure?
    DM: The curse weakens a little, but nothing else happens.
    Sandra: Well that was a great use of half our remaining time then.
    DM: If Luna might stop being so difficult, she could try reaching out... perhaps she has SOME connection to Cocoamancer?
    Sandra: What? As if. Not gonna happen.
    Johnny: You know what Sarevok thinks about Luna not exploring every option possible.
    Sandra: Ugh, fine.
    DM: Is anyone else going to try anything?
    David: I guess Sendany and I can try picking the lock subtly.
    Johnny: Sarevok will try bending the bars... subtly.
    DM: The remaining half-hour passes without any noticeable success from either of you. If Cocoamancer heard Luna, he did not reply.
    Andy: Oh fuck the hour is UP!

    Johnny: Think think think...
    Johnny: Sarevok is gonna win this shit, just... think.
    Johnny: Didn't you get any curveballs before?
    Andy: You mean, situations with no intended solution?
    Johnny: Yeah.
    Andy: Many times.
    Andy: For example, when Firkraag flew off...
    Andy: The solution involved colonoscopic malpractice.
    Andy: But yeah, that won't help here.
    Andy: ...
    Andy: Wait.
    Andy: Waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
    Andy: You're a genius, JJ.
    Andy: Colonoscopic malpractice is the answer!
    Johnny: Dude no.
    Johnny: Whatever Sarevok may have mistakenly said and done while cursed with bad luck, he is not up for anything involving "colonoscopic malpractice" with Sendany. In a prison, no less.
    Sandra: *giggle*
    Andy: No bro, the guard.
    Johnny: Not with him either.
    Andy: Bro! I don't need Sarevok to do anything.
    Johnny: HE IS NOT A BOTTOM GUY.
    Andy: Just watch.
    Andy: Sendany insults the guard's accent.

    DM: Uh? Well, you might have annoyed him, but what's it gonna help?
    Andy: There is someone else with whom Sendany has discussed funny accents.
    Andy: Someone who has barely mattered for any plot, unlike his friend who was part of your ruses to fool David into thinking you had planned a solution for the 25 strength requirement, as well as the whole Tamorlyn deal.
    Andy: Unlike his OTHER friend, who became a fucking god.
    Andy: Someone who became a leftover from partial anagrams of colonoscopic malpractice, and SOMEONE who should be in league with the savior we are hoping for.
    Peter: ...
    Peter: That was...
    Peter: That was beautiful.
    David: Even I think so.
    Peter: That settles it for sure.
    DM: Pistol concurs with Sendany, insulting the guard's accent from the outside.
    Andy: FUCK yes.
    DM: The guard is taunted and rushes out to teach Pistol a lesson.
    DM: Using the distraction, Nona slips inside, lifts your curses, shrugs off Luna's glare, and leaves.
    DM: Unburdened by the curse and the need for subtlety, Sendany and Yoshimo open the lock with ease, and you quickly help yourselves to your weapons as Sarevok senses Balthazar approaching.

    CrevsDaakJuliusBorisov
Sign In or Register to comment.