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sandmanCCLsandmanCCL Member Posts: 1,389
edited October 2012 in Off-Topic
I feel like opening up a little about myself tonight.

I'm 26 (27 next month), am in massive amounts of debt to attend college, haven't held a job since November 2010 and have struggled with massive anxiety and depression since I was in the 4th grade. I have only been in one real relationship, and have been in many long-term "relationships" where I was basically the emotional boyfriend while she went out and slept with other dudes who abused her. (Yes, that's happened more than once.)

About 6 weeks ago, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic grocery bag. I didn't do anything to bind my hands together so when the fight-or-flight response kicked in, even though I wanted to die, my body still tore the bag from my face. I sat in my room about two weeks straight after that. I even have a little mini-fridge in my room so I literally did not leave it at all except to shower in the morning (even at my worst, I hate to stink) and use the bathroom.

This place has helped bring me back. As sad as it is, I feel like I have friends here, that I matter here. I was lurking on the forums to try and see if I could find some hard news about a release date one day and noticed someone linked a PlayItHardcore link and figured I'd sign up to try and troll up some more people to contribute, and I'm really glad I did. You'd be surprised how much it means to me something I spent a few months working on back in 2007 or 2008 (or whenever it was!) is being utilized by more than just my handful of internet acquaintances.

I still struggle with anxiety and low self esteem. It's why I get so defensive and combative when I feel like not just my ideas but my personal character is being attacked. And I am working on it, I really am.

I'm trying to move on and actually make something happen in my life, and am feeling particularly weepy tonight so I just wanted to say thanks to all you guys. There's a few people in particular but they probably all know who they are.

So thank you, BG:EE forums, and stay awesome.

JamesBruderexregcyberhawk[Deleted User]HaHaCharadeArveragusmch202mlneveseWigglesBelgarathMTHAlexMtypo_tillyState_LemmingMoomintrollphyltyboBlakes7ginger_hammerDrugarSilyHoebaggerAlejandroAphrilelminsterQuartzDeltaslayerMikeMastersCameronToferDoveberryFluid29buttersworthKristie83VissiousTeflon
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Comments

  • The user and all related content has been deleted.

    Teflon
  • WigglesWiggles Member Posts: 571
    It takes alot of courage to come out and post this, especially if it's to complete stangers. I'm proud (though that's not the word I'm looking for) that you posted this and strong enough to overcome from your social anxiety and depression. Hope that it only gets better for you and that you someday develop the courage to come out and admit your 'defects' in person to someone.

    Let me know if you ever want to play MP when the game's released. Sure we'll have a blast.

    Bless you,
    Wiggles

    HaHaCharadeBrude
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
    edited October 2012
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    Brude
  • moody_magemoody_mage Member Posts: 2,052
    You've always seemed like a top person from what I have seen on these forums - one of the names I know will usually be posting decent stuff in a mature fashion.

    Sorry to hear about the hard time you are having. I sincerely hope you can improve things and be happy!

    TJ_HookerMoomintroll
  • typo_tillytypo_tilly Member Posts: 5,702
    o_o

    *SQUEEEZE HUUUG*

    You
    are
    brave!


    ... you survived. :) Consider that it may not have been entirely your body's response to keep you alive: a little spark may've been there as well. A desire to keep going.

    When I came back from a suicide attempt... that darkest time in my life... I came with a drive to improve myself: to try and be happy. More importantly was this subtle feeling of being grateful for the smallest things... the smallest kindness... and not taking minor problems too seriously. Mellowed out, became more grateful and stronger.

    Maybe this will happen to you as well. Maybe not. But you are brave for posting this and you are welcome to be a major nerd here! ;3

    BrudemlneveseBelgarathMTHArveragus
  • Space_hamsterSpace_hamster Member Posts: 950
    "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."

    I never used to really understand this quote, but as I get older, it becomes truer every day. Shit happens to everyone equally, some worse than others, but to survive it is to gain a kind of wisdom where we find the will to see another sunrise on this earth. Happiness is fleeting and we must each search for it in our own way. It takes a bit of luck and a lot of persistence.

    I once did a "two weeks in my apartment without going out thing", not fun. Thinking about it now, the lack of sunlight and vitamin D deficiency probably did whacky things to my mind. Take an hour walk in the sunshine (or whatever the weather may be), you'll feel markedly better almost immediately.

    For me, the only time I have ever really felt content is when I create something, such as by writing, designing a website, or other publication. The process of creating something new, something that has never existed before you imagined it, then going through the trouble of bringing it into existence in this world, is strangely satisfying. The gratitude we feel when others see what we made is a bonus (even if its not fully appreciated). Granted, its a torturous process, and I'm the worst procrastinator, but its the single piece of true wisdom I know.

    BrudemlneveseBelgarathMTH
  • DrugarDrugar Member Posts: 1,566
    @LadyRhian
    It's ok, you can tell them about my crippling addiction to bearded ladies.

    @sandmanCCL
    It's a hard thing to do, posting something like this on a forum where you feel at home and have friends, so I applaud you. I can't do much more than offer what the rest said; hang in there, stuff will get better.
    Hanging out at the hobby store is a good start, you'll get some more social interaction with real people instead of letters on a screen (which are nice but really, they don't count as social interaction as far as your brain's needs are concerned) and Warhammer painting and battles are a good way to feel better when you feel down (occasionally also caused by Warhammer, WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY DETAILS CHAOS KNIGHTS!?).

    It's good that you're actively trying to better yourself and get out of it, keep doing it. I wish you all the best. From what I've seen over the last few weeks of mostly lurking, you're an alright chap.

    SilyBrudeBelgarathMTH
  • HoebaggerHoebagger Member Posts: 46

    So thank you, BG:EE forums, and stay awesome.

    My pleasure :D

    On a more serious note I know that feel. I too find myself rather attached to the people here and know what you mean. So what's your birthday plans and are you in the vicinity of St. Louis?

    Brude
  • sandmanCCLsandmanCCL Member Posts: 1,389
    Honestly I want to take a girl I know in one of my classes to a nice restaurant.

    I haven't been to Missouri except like once in my life. Was about 10 years ago. Strange place. Mostly stayed on the Kansas side of Kansas City though. Had friends out in Olathe.

    I currently reside in Southern Utah.

    Brude
  • Son_of_ImoenSon_of_Imoen Member Posts: 1,763
    It's good to hear how you (co?)created PlayItHardcore. It's one of my favourite sites to get info. I visit it a lot, especially the Progression Charts, Classes and Kits and Races and Stats pages. Being creative can really help fight depression and finding self-esteem. To do something you can do well (and you are really good in getting BG facts rights) and seeing people respond well to what you do helps getting out of dark valleys.

    I myself have been in many dark valleys in my life. In my experience, the key factor (or a key factor) is acceptance. Fighting the dark in the sense of condemning it and especially condemning yourself for feeling down is counterproductive and only helps to drag you in. It's there, the darkness, there's no denying it, embrace yourself for being one who has to struggle through life, but also embrace the fact that there's more to life than the things that fail. There's sandmanCCL the walking library of BG insights, there's sandmanCCL the lover of games and miniatures, there's sandmanCCL who loves interacting with his fellow human beings, there's sandmanCCL the brave man who's not afraid to show his anxiety.

    From acceptance of the dark comes the recognition there's more than just the dark. Life's comes with varying shades and colours. Or colors, for you.

    That said, it's a good thing to get professional help if the depression gets so bad, you want to take your life. A combination of counseling or coaching and medication can help coping with life. But the most succes you get if they can combine their wisdom out of their studies, with your knowledge of yourself. Both bring in their own expertise. 'Ervaringsdeskundigheid' is what 'we' (my 'we' is people with mental disabilities who organize to fight for our interests in better care, better monetairy support, more recognition of our own strengths) call it in Dutch. 'experience-expertise'? I don't know the word. Do know there's a lot of people in the States that are more advanced in empowerment of people than here.

    Wish you lots of power, and with luck and skill, the depression is a passing phase, if not, things still come in phases and at any time there will also be more brightness ahead in future times, if not all the time.

    ginger_hammerBrude
  • Kitteh_On_A_CloudKitteh_On_A_Cloud Member Posts: 1,629
    I know how you feel, OP. Daily life is full of shit. It's only after my first serious relationship that I realised that. I got used for ten months in a mental game created by a control-freak. Fortunately I never met him in real life. Only afterwards and after some periods of serious depressions, my eyes got opened to the ugly things in this world. People abusing each other, the strife for power and wealth, discrimination, racism, sexism, poverty... I got confronted with real life issues and I lost much, if not all, of my mental innocence to it. Ever since, I have become judgemental and increasingly cynical of the world we live in. I still often feel down nowadays, as I went through some other shitty times too. But that would take up too much space and patience of you all, so I'll leave it at this. Have I ever thought of suicide? Certainly. More than once, even. Sometimes I just hate my life, hate this world and hate all humans living in it, more specifically, the ugly side of humankind (examples mentioned above). But on the other hand...What would I succeed at with committing suicide? Indeed, it would mean I've given in to the daily shit's that's trying to drag me down daily. It would mean giving up. Also, as my dad once said: 'Life is a gift. You should cherish it and make the most out of it.'

    BelgarathMTH
  • Kitteh_On_A_CloudKitteh_On_A_Cloud Member Posts: 1,629
    I know how you feel, OP. Daily life is full of shit. It's only after my first serious relationship that I realised that. I got used for ten months in a mental game created by a control-freak. Fortunately I never met him in real life. Only afterwards and after some periods of serious depressions, my eyes got opened to the ugly things in this world. People abusing each other, the strife for power and wealth, discrimination, racism, sexism, poverty... I got confronted with real life issues and I lost much, if not all, of my mental innocence to it. Ever since, I have become judgemental and increasingly cynical of the world we live in. I still often feel down nowadays, as I went through some other shitty times too. But that would take up too much space and patience of you all, so I'll leave it at this. Have I ever thought of suicide? Certainly. More than once, even. Sometimes I just hate my life, hate this world and hate all humans living in it, more specifically, the ugly side of humankind (examples mentioned above). But on the other hand...What would I succeed at with committing suicide? Indeed, it would mean I've given in to the daily shit's that's trying to drag me down daily. It would mean giving up. Also, as my dad once said: 'Life is a gift. You should cherish it and make the most out of it.'

    BelgarathMTH
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
    edited October 2012
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    Post edited by [Deleted User] on
    Brudetrinit
  • triclops41triclops41 Member Posts: 202
    As someone who gave away his posessions, stopped paying bills, then pointed a loaded gun at his head, and desperately tried to find the "strength" to pull the trigger, I can sympathize.

    It's important to remind yourself that your negative thoughts are, in a way, a brain malfunction that doesn't correspond to reality.

    Life is a long boxing match where you will get pummeled. Some rounds will be especially bad, but you can still come back next round.
    I'm now married, happy with my job and expecting a son on Dec. my experiences have made me extremely grateful how things have turned out. I also realize things can turn on me at any moment, so I make sure to appreciate the present.

    BrudeSon_of_Imoen
  • QuartzQuartz Member Posts: 3,850
    edited October 2012
    Ya this forum is pretty nice.

    I'm glad your attempt didn't work. I really like having you around @sandmanCCL. :)

    Also I think @Shandyr has a great point. Perception changes everything.

    Post edited by Quartz on
    [Deleted User]Brude
  • vorticanvortican Member Posts: 206
    While I agree with @Shandyr that perception is difference from reality, I also think that we need to be able to exert some control over our world and the feeling of power and self-ownership that comes with that can also help self-esteem. I don't want news either just because it is too depressing to read about the days' latest shooting or murder, but I certainly want to continue to be engaged with current events and what is going on that affects my life. I don't think the best way to get that information is through mainstream media though, as there is little objectivity or journalism from television sources, news programs, or so-called broadcast journalists. Much of it is fluff and the rest, in my opinion, is pandering.

    However, I think that turning a blind eye to the bigger issues of the day and ignoring them in favor of living your life because it's too difficult or frustrating to deal with them can also be doing yourself a disservice. After all, decisions made by others affect us. Social media and internet news sources can be great resources to get at the truth and facts about important subjects (much more so than traditional media) involving history, politics, science, economics, spirituality, etc. These things are a part of our lives whether we want to admit it or not, and I think that too often, people (at least Americans) don't want to be engaged because they are so discouraged with the state of things that they just give up and let others take control of their broader destinies instead of participating in the institutions that shape our way of life. I certainly hope that everyone can bring themselves to involve themselves in more than their circle of friends and take some time to care about, and express themselves, important societal issues. Everyone deserves to be represented, but it's up to all of us to take a role in shaping society. If we don't, and choose to ignore what's going on around us, is that not very different from locking one's self in a room and choosing never to venture outside?

    trinit
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.

    sandmanCCL
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
    edited October 2012
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    Post edited by [Deleted User] on
  • sandmanCCLsandmanCCL Member Posts: 1,389
    Hey it's cool. No harm, no foul. I'm actually with you on your point.

    One of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever been told is to never make a decision while you're not mentally in the right place. Something that goes along with extreme anxiety, and something I feel like isn't discussed enough, is the difficulty of shedding emotion. Both extreme highs and extreme lows stick with me longer than is normal. If I get really terrible news while I'm happy, it doesn't affect me, and when I'm down in the dumps, it also just lingers for days and nothing seems to pull me out of it.

    Every relationship or near relationship I've been in failed because she didn't understand that my unwillingness to talk about our issues in the heat of the moment was because I'd be emotionally compromised at that point. I'm actually quite rationale at least trying to explain that I feel attacked and have a bit of an anxiety attack coming on, so while I know it's something important and we need to figure something out, I knew I wasn't able to make a good decision at that point. She'd usually keep pushing and I'd snap and yell and it'd always get ugly. Those situations suck.

    So, my advice to people is to not do things that put themselves in a bad state of emotion. If news programs affect Shandyr a lot, don't watch them! I'm sure the really important stuff will get filtered down anyway. Another example for me is I avoid horror films because the sickly feeling many of them create stays with me for days afterwards and I hate it. Obviously there are things everyone will have to stick through regardless of how it makes them feel (like a job or school or homework, etc), but during your own free time, there is no reason to participate and engage in things that don't make you happy.

    [Deleted User]Drugar
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.

  • vorticanvortican Member Posts: 206
    @Shandyr, the only point I was trying to make is the protecting one's self from unpleasantness is certainly a personal choice that every individual must make for themselves. However, I hope that people don't take that too far and completely shut out the world around them or not participate in life, ignorant of the forces at work in the world which they can control. I'm sure there are certain things with which everyone simply does not want to deal, and certain challenges they choose not to confront. I do think that many people, dare I say, most Americans anyway, choose to go about living their lives and accepting far too much as simply a part of life that cannot be changed, when in reality, there are things they can control. While not implying in any way that anyone here has done this, I hope that everyone finds ways to live with themselves and their surroundings without retreating into apathy or submission. There are many things we can't change ourselves, but it's up to each one of us to determine how we live, and never let anyone else make that choice for us, nor prevent us from making choices that belong to us.

    sandmanCCL
  • FigrutFigrut Member Posts: 109
    You seem like a good chap. I have dealt with severe anxiety and lonelyness/sense of isolation myself if you want to talk about stategies with dealing with panic attacks and stuff.

  • BelgarathMTHBelgarathMTH Member Posts: 5,450
    edited October 2012
    Hmmm. One of my main coping strategies has been to keep people and events pushed out of my life as far as possible. It's just my three cats and me against the world.

    It works for me, as I am hypersensitive, and direct face-to-face conflict with other people just about destroys me emotionally.

    Every sensitive person who survives this life is going to develop their own coping mechanisms. So, I would never presume to advise anyone else about how to cope with life, and I would never criticize any way that they chose to do it.

    The key words are "Are you happy?". "Are you okay?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" If the answer to all three of those questions is "no", then there is almost nothing you can do for the other person, but to try to encourage them.

    "I like you." "I think you are a good person." "Please be happy." "If what I can think of to say doesn't make you happier, please try again with someone who knows what to say."

    That kind of thing. Any time advice is given, someone else is invariably going to start up with "oh, no, that's terrible advice, do this instead." And then, there's arguing, and that doesn't help anyone.

    Oddly, the poetic words that come to mind for me here belong to Madonna Cicone, of all people: "Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my name, and it feels like home." The "Other" who calls your name to make you happy can be almost anything or anyone. For me, it is my cats. For many people, it is God. For some, it is a lover, but it is risky and perhaps not wise to put that kind of pressure on another human being.

    Wise men and women have almost universally taught throughout the history of human thought that one must have a non-human source of happiness outside oneself, and that nobody but the individual can name that Source. For me, it is my cats. That's just me. There are as many Sources as there are individual humans.

    "Don't worry, be happy." "I did it my way."

    [Deleted User]Brude
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0
    edited October 2012
    The user and all related content has been deleted.

    BelgarathMTH
  • BelgarathMTHBelgarathMTH Member Posts: 5,450
    @Shandyr, awww. blushing

    I like you, too.

    [Deleted User]
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