This place is awesome. You guys are awesome.
sandmanCCL
Member Posts: 1,389
I feel like opening up a little about myself tonight.
I'm 26 (27 next month), am in massive amounts of debt to attend college, haven't held a job since November 2010 and have struggled with massive anxiety and depression since I was in the 4th grade. I have only been in one real relationship, and have been in many long-term "relationships" where I was basically the emotional boyfriend while she went out and slept with other dudes who abused her. (Yes, that's happened more than once.)
About 6 weeks ago, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic grocery bag. I didn't do anything to bind my hands together so when the fight-or-flight response kicked in, even though I wanted to die, my body still tore the bag from my face. I sat in my room about two weeks straight after that. I even have a little mini-fridge in my room so I literally did not leave it at all except to shower in the morning (even at my worst, I hate to stink) and use the bathroom.
This place has helped bring me back. As sad as it is, I feel like I have friends here, that I matter here. I was lurking on the forums to try and see if I could find some hard news about a release date one day and noticed someone linked a PlayItHardcore link and figured I'd sign up to try and troll up some more people to contribute, and I'm really glad I did. You'd be surprised how much it means to me something I spent a few months working on back in 2007 or 2008 (or whenever it was!) is being utilized by more than just my handful of internet acquaintances.
I still struggle with anxiety and low self esteem. It's why I get so defensive and combative when I feel like not just my ideas but my personal character is being attacked. And I am working on it, I really am.
I'm trying to move on and actually make something happen in my life, and am feeling particularly weepy tonight so I just wanted to say thanks to all you guys. There's a few people in particular but they probably all know who they are.
So thank you, BG:EE forums, and stay awesome.
I'm 26 (27 next month), am in massive amounts of debt to attend college, haven't held a job since November 2010 and have struggled with massive anxiety and depression since I was in the 4th grade. I have only been in one real relationship, and have been in many long-term "relationships" where I was basically the emotional boyfriend while she went out and slept with other dudes who abused her. (Yes, that's happened more than once.)
About 6 weeks ago, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic grocery bag. I didn't do anything to bind my hands together so when the fight-or-flight response kicked in, even though I wanted to die, my body still tore the bag from my face. I sat in my room about two weeks straight after that. I even have a little mini-fridge in my room so I literally did not leave it at all except to shower in the morning (even at my worst, I hate to stink) and use the bathroom.
This place has helped bring me back. As sad as it is, I feel like I have friends here, that I matter here. I was lurking on the forums to try and see if I could find some hard news about a release date one day and noticed someone linked a PlayItHardcore link and figured I'd sign up to try and troll up some more people to contribute, and I'm really glad I did. You'd be surprised how much it means to me something I spent a few months working on back in 2007 or 2008 (or whenever it was!) is being utilized by more than just my handful of internet acquaintances.
I still struggle with anxiety and low self esteem. It's why I get so defensive and combative when I feel like not just my ideas but my personal character is being attacked. And I am working on it, I really am.
I'm trying to move on and actually make something happen in my life, and am feeling particularly weepy tonight so I just wanted to say thanks to all you guys. There's a few people in particular but they probably all know who they are.
So thank you, BG:EE forums, and stay awesome.
38
Comments
I'm coming from posting on a movie forum whose members are cantankerous at best, and an experience on other gaming forums that's vicious on the best days.
So when I arrived here I was both a little defensive and a little aggressive about my opinions. I got into something, some discussion about something, with a guy and as was my habit, I started acting a little dismissively and a little snotty. And you know what happened? Instead of escalating the whole thing into a typical, nasty internet pissing contest, this guy deftly and cleverly sidestepped my whole BS schtick and not only that, but he was gracious while he did it. I remember bring impressed by that, and wishing I had those kinda social skills.
That guy was you, sands.
It's the small things that sometimes count, and that one interaction I had with you taught me something valuable. So, thanks.
My high school biology teacher said something once that has always stuck with me, for whatever reason. It's not exactly profound but it just did. One day at the beginning of class he read from a news article about some 16 year old that took their life over something pretty trivial (a breakup, or something). He looked at the class and just shook his head kind of sad and said, "No matter how you feel, nothing is ever worth taking your life over." When I think about how I have felt at my lowest points, and then later at my highest, I realize he's right. I'm glad you saw that too man.
Let me know if you ever want to play MP when the game's released. Sure we'll have a blast.
Bless you,
Wiggles
Sorry to hear about the hard time you are having. I sincerely hope you can improve things and be happy!
As a teacher, I am trained to respond with seriousness to any talk of suicide. If you do get that despondent again, that you actually are planning to hurt yourself, please seek the help you need from a local suicide hotline, or even go to an emergency room, if necessary.
Talking with kind people in an internet forum can be very helpful toward your healing, but you need more in-person, face-to-face support than you can get this way. Since you have actually attempted suicide in secret, and you might have succeeded, I urge you to seek counseling and talk to a professional in person.
I am so glad that you did not hurt yourself. What you did was very dangerous, and it could very well have worked, and then you would have missed out on so many of the good things that will come in life, as well as devastating anyone who knows you personally or loves you.
It *always* gets better. No matter how bad things get, they *will* turn around. And when you come out of the darkness and begin to appreciate the simple pleasures of life again, you will be very, very glad that you did not end it all.
I know from the way you write that you are an intelligent, bright, wonderful person who has a lot to offer the world. Hang in there. You can do this. Live your life.
It's actually kind of weird talking with some of my classmates now. It's painfully apparent to me who the folks who think I'm weird, like some sort of malfunction, and those who are kind souls. The former is a really small number, much smaller than I thought in my head before this all went down.
I've also just decided to go full-blown nerd and started hanging out at a local hobby store that opened about 4 or 5 weeks ago. Got back into Magic: the Gathering (haven't picked up cards in any seriousness since I was like 15) and also got a Warhammer 40k limited editon starter set, because why not.
I never used to really understand this quote, but as I get older, it becomes truer every day. Shit happens to everyone equally, some worse than others, but to survive it is to gain a kind of wisdom where we find the will to see another sunrise on this earth. Happiness is fleeting and we must each search for it in our own way. It takes a bit of luck and a lot of persistence.
I once did a "two weeks in my apartment without going out thing", not fun. Thinking about it now, the lack of sunlight and vitamin D deficiency probably did whacky things to my mind. Take an hour walk in the sunshine (or whatever the weather may be), you'll feel markedly better almost immediately.
For me, the only time I have ever really felt content is when I create something, such as by writing, designing a website, or other publication. The process of creating something new, something that has never existed before you imagined it, then going through the trouble of bringing it into existence in this world, is strangely satisfying. The gratitude we feel when others see what we made is a bonus (even if its not fully appreciated). Granted, its a torturous process, and I'm the worst procrastinator, but its the single piece of true wisdom I know.
It's ok, you can tell them about my crippling addiction to bearded ladies.
@sandmanCCL
It's a hard thing to do, posting something like this on a forum where you feel at home and have friends, so I applaud you. I can't do much more than offer what the rest said; hang in there, stuff will get better.
Hanging out at the hobby store is a good start, you'll get some more social interaction with real people instead of letters on a screen (which are nice but really, they don't count as social interaction as far as your brain's needs are concerned) and Warhammer painting and battles are a good way to feel better when you feel down (occasionally also caused by Warhammer, WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY DETAILS CHAOS KNIGHTS!?).
It's good that you're actively trying to better yourself and get out of it, keep doing it. I wish you all the best. From what I've seen over the last few weeks of mostly lurking, you're an alright chap.
On a more serious note I know that feel. I too find myself rather attached to the people here and know what you mean. So what's your birthday plans and are you in the vicinity of St. Louis?
I haven't been to Missouri except like once in my life. Was about 10 years ago. Strange place. Mostly stayed on the Kansas side of Kansas City though. Had friends out in Olathe.
I currently reside in Southern Utah.
I myself have been in many dark valleys in my life. In my experience, the key factor (or a key factor) is acceptance. Fighting the dark in the sense of condemning it and especially condemning yourself for feeling down is counterproductive and only helps to drag you in. It's there, the darkness, there's no denying it, embrace yourself for being one who has to struggle through life, but also embrace the fact that there's more to life than the things that fail. There's sandmanCCL the walking library of BG insights, there's sandmanCCL the lover of games and miniatures, there's sandmanCCL who loves interacting with his fellow human beings, there's sandmanCCL the brave man who's not afraid to show his anxiety.
From acceptance of the dark comes the recognition there's more than just the dark. Life's comes with varying shades and colours. Or colors, for you.
That said, it's a good thing to get professional help if the depression gets so bad, you want to take your life. A combination of counseling or coaching and medication can help coping with life. But the most succes you get if they can combine their wisdom out of their studies, with your knowledge of yourself. Both bring in their own expertise. 'Ervaringsdeskundigheid' is what 'we' (my 'we' is people with mental disabilities who organize to fight for our interests in better care, better monetairy support, more recognition of our own strengths) call it in Dutch. 'experience-expertise'? I don't know the word. Do know there's a lot of people in the States that are more advanced in empowerment of people than here.
Wish you lots of power, and with luck and skill, the depression is a passing phase, if not, things still come in phases and at any time there will also be more brightness ahead in future times, if not all the time.
It's important to remind yourself that your negative thoughts are, in a way, a brain malfunction that doesn't correspond to reality.
Life is a long boxing match where you will get pummeled. Some rounds will be especially bad, but you can still come back next round.
I'm now married, happy with my job and expecting a son on Dec. my experiences have made me extremely grateful how things have turned out. I also realize things can turn on me at any moment, so I make sure to appreciate the present.
I'm glad your attempt didn't work. I really like having you around @sandmanCCL.
Also I think @Shandyr has a great point. Perception changes everything.
However, I think that turning a blind eye to the bigger issues of the day and ignoring them in favor of living your life because it's too difficult or frustrating to deal with them can also be doing yourself a disservice. After all, decisions made by others affect us. Social media and internet news sources can be great resources to get at the truth and facts about important subjects (much more so than traditional media) involving history, politics, science, economics, spirituality, etc. These things are a part of our lives whether we want to admit it or not, and I think that too often, people (at least Americans) don't want to be engaged because they are so discouraged with the state of things that they just give up and let others take control of their broader destinies instead of participating in the institutions that shape our way of life. I certainly hope that everyone can bring themselves to involve themselves in more than their circle of friends and take some time to care about, and express themselves, important societal issues. Everyone deserves to be represented, but it's up to all of us to take a role in shaping society. If we don't, and choose to ignore what's going on around us, is that not very different from locking one's self in a room and choosing never to venture outside?
One of the greatest pieces of advice I've ever been told is to never make a decision while you're not mentally in the right place. Something that goes along with extreme anxiety, and something I feel like isn't discussed enough, is the difficulty of shedding emotion. Both extreme highs and extreme lows stick with me longer than is normal. If I get really terrible news while I'm happy, it doesn't affect me, and when I'm down in the dumps, it also just lingers for days and nothing seems to pull me out of it.
Every relationship or near relationship I've been in failed because she didn't understand that my unwillingness to talk about our issues in the heat of the moment was because I'd be emotionally compromised at that point. I'm actually quite rationale at least trying to explain that I feel attacked and have a bit of an anxiety attack coming on, so while I know it's something important and we need to figure something out, I knew I wasn't able to make a good decision at that point. She'd usually keep pushing and I'd snap and yell and it'd always get ugly. Those situations suck.
So, my advice to people is to not do things that put themselves in a bad state of emotion. If news programs affect Shandyr a lot, don't watch them! I'm sure the really important stuff will get filtered down anyway. Another example for me is I avoid horror films because the sickly feeling many of them create stays with me for days afterwards and I hate it. Obviously there are things everyone will have to stick through regardless of how it makes them feel (like a job or school or homework, etc), but during your own free time, there is no reason to participate and engage in things that don't make you happy.
It works for me, as I am hypersensitive, and direct face-to-face conflict with other people just about destroys me emotionally.
Every sensitive person who survives this life is going to develop their own coping mechanisms. So, I would never presume to advise anyone else about how to cope with life, and I would never criticize any way that they chose to do it.
The key words are "Are you happy?". "Are you okay?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" If the answer to all three of those questions is "no", then there is almost nothing you can do for the other person, but to try to encourage them.
"I like you." "I think you are a good person." "Please be happy." "If what I can think of to say doesn't make you happier, please try again with someone who knows what to say."
That kind of thing. Any time advice is given, someone else is invariably going to start up with "oh, no, that's terrible advice, do this instead." And then, there's arguing, and that doesn't help anyone.
Oddly, the poetic words that come to mind for me here belong to Madonna Cicone, of all people: "Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my name, and it feels like home." The "Other" who calls your name to make you happy can be almost anything or anyone. For me, it is my cats. For many people, it is God. For some, it is a lover, but it is risky and perhaps not wise to put that kind of pressure on another human being.
Wise men and women have almost universally taught throughout the history of human thought that one must have a non-human source of happiness outside oneself, and that nobody but the individual can name that Source. For me, it is my cats. That's just me. There are as many Sources as there are individual humans.
"Don't worry, be happy." "I did it my way."
I like you, too.