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What would you have done ?

dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
edited November 2017 in Off-Topic
So, in the next lines i am going to describe you a hypothetical (for you) scenario about a social and a legal problem.

Imagine you live in a 4 apartment building, all apartments are in the same floor, apartment 1 is rented to a Captain of a Police precinct and his girlfriend, apartment 2 is rented to a college student while apartment 3 is occupied by your parents and apartment 4 is shared between you (28) and your brother (18), now, imagine that your brother invites at daily basis 6-7 of his friends to smoke pot, and two or three of them stay over and spend the night. (so far you know that your brother is just a pot head with a really aggressive attitude), you know that by talking to your brother about all this would fall on deaf ears so instead of doing that you complain to your parents about the situation and the conditions you live in and demand from them to do something, and all they do is tell you "I am gonna talk to him"
This goes on for months and you still complain and demand a solution and you still get the answer "I am gonna talk to him". One day you see some pills on your brothers desk... you are not sure what to make of it, you are starting to think he has a headache... you felt a lingering feeling of unease as you try to grasp the situation but you cant wrap your mind around its like a huge question mark (?) is inside your head hiding the truth from you ... but you stopped pondering after half a minute you went to your bedroom and shut the door behind you once more. The next week after an irrelevant conversation you had with you brother he pretty much told you he is selling drugs (pot, pills, and what ever else ) which now explains why at times you were seeing around the apartment a small digital precision scale.
Christmas were a few days further and your brother asks your parents for cash around 700 euro under the pretense that he was involved in an accident with his motor bike and since his insurance has expired insurance wouldn't cover the damages, so my parents gave him 700 euro and that wasn't the only time they heard his pretenses, this time, it was about "laptops that were going to be shipped from Germany" and your parents gave your brother money until they ended up doing Christmas with a total of 50 euro.
Months come, months go, until Easter has come, you still complain to your parents and you are still insisting that they need to do something, anything...and as always: "I am gonna talk to him". Disappointed you return to your room while holding your breath till the door is closed you feel that this situation is so unhealthy that actually its like a poison passing through the cracks of the closed door and entering your room floating all around you, you feel disgust by the smell...
Woke up in the morning it was a good day, Monday, the first day of the Great Weak. I dressed up and around 10 in the morning went for my daily gym exercise that took about 2hours and 30minutes. I remember i had with me a bottle of water as i was slowly walking towards home, I entered the main door of the apartment building continued walking towards my apartment, entered it and went to my room to remove my pants cause i was feeling hot then laid down in my bed and had removed my glasses. Next to me was my brother sitting on the pc listening to music everything was flowing smoothy until i saw a man pointing a gun at us, at first i thought it was a friend of my brother playing a prank on us i couldnt really see without my glasses... oh i was so wrong... it turns out the DEA had invaded our home after 6 anonymous arraignments...
I was arrested under the same charges as my brother since i had access in the apartment (which also my parents had), i spent 5 days in the detention facilities i was the only non smoker person there... at some point my parents came to talk to me behind bars very briefly we exchanged a few words... then they came again the other days, didn't want to meet them... Me and my brother were released great Friday, i didn't blame my brother, in my eyes the only responsible were my parents... i tried so hard to make them see the errors of their way but i couldnt reason with them they didnt admit anything so i left my home now i was living with relatives, the very site of my parents disgust me, to me they were conspirators, my absences put so much strain in them that they came before me and begged me to return home... i forced my father to apologize for what they have done, that was the only time i heard him saying sorry to me and not out of his own volition (how miserable is this ?)... a year have passed and we were at the court for the hearing, i had to lie to keep my brother out of jail i said i had no idea about his actions.

If this were to happen again i would have demanded that my parents get apprehended as well. i so wish that my brother got caught before he turned 18 that way my parents would face charges of child neglect.

your thoughts...

Post edited by dreamtraveler on

Comments

  • deltagodeltago Member Posts: 7,565
    You should have knocked on the policeman's door and invited him up when he had a couple of his friends in the apartment, because if the police come knocking it is not just your brother being hauled away for dealing drugs, but you as well.

    MathsorcererDreadKhansemiticgodtbone1
  • MathsorcererMathsorcerer Member Posts: 3,003
    In the United States, if any sort of illegal drugs are found in a vehicle or residence (whether apartment or house) then the police assume everyone in the vehicle or residence is guilty of possession and possibly intent to sell (which is a more serious crime). If you live in an area where the police still have asset forfeiture then, upon conviction for possession or intent, they may seize your vehicle or residence and sell it at auction, with the funds going to a split between the police department and victim's advocacy groups.

    semiticgod
  • DreadKhanDreadKhan Member Posts: 3,859
    As unpleasant as it is, dealing drugs is on a whole level beyond even heavy use of pot (which is not without its own issues), and I think reporting the situation to the police would be reasonable. I'll edit this if my view changes with further posts.

    That said, I'm glad nobody ever called the cops on me for using pot, even though its use had been largely decriminalized in my country since before I used.

  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    i have finished the story and would like to hear your thoughts...

  • FinneousPJFinneousPJ Member Posts: 6,456
    I would have moved out way before turning 28

    tbone1
  • scriverscriver Member Posts: 2,046
    I would have moved to an apartment not shared with a drug dealer.

    tbone1
  • deltagodeltago Member Posts: 7,565
    So after reading the story:

    Your brother, and your brother alone is responsible for his actions. Not your parents. Putting all the blame on them, while giving him a free pass doesnt benefit anyone.

    He needs to learn from his actions and you need to distance yourself from him until he does.

    tbone1dunbarStummvonBordwehr
  • tbone1tbone1 Member Posts: 1,996
    deltago said:

    So after reading the story:

    Your brother, and your brother alone is responsible for his actions. Not your parents. Putting all the blame on them, while giving him a free pass doesnt benefit anyone.

    He needs to learn from his actions and you need to distance yourself from him until he does.

    Agreed. Mind you, the parents might have been able to do more, and might have enabled, but in the end, this goes into yhe brother’s scorecard.

  • DreadKhanDreadKhan Member Posts: 3,859
    I can see why you are angry at your parents, and you're not entirely wrong, as they sound like enablers of this behavior. Am I wrong to assume that you also feel your parents were too soft on your brother as a child? Imho this can be a form of abuse, as the child is trained to havr unhealthy and unreasonable expectations, which often leads to bad outcomes, such as entitled behavior (and imho substance abuse is a form of entitled behavior, even if its also an issue of chemistry)

    That said, your parents weren't selling drugs out of an apartment you shared with them. I would personally default to the possibly crazy Christian solution of forgiving parents and brother, but I think you'd be justified in wanting a break from all 3, parents and brother! Let time help.

  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    DreadKhan said:

    I can see why you are angry at your parents, and you're not entirely wrong, as they sound like enablers of this behavior. Am I wrong to assume that you also feel your parents were too soft on your brother as a child?

    no you are not wrong about that

  • ArdanisArdanis Member Posts: 1,736
    edited November 2017
    While I agree it is parents' direct responsibility to grow their son into respectable man, I would avoid placing too much blame on anyone.

    First, people have different characters and personalities, and it sounds like your family was just too mellow when it came to enforcing authority. It happens.
    Second, although legally a 18 y.o. is an adult, psychologically it's not always the case in modern society.
    Lastly, as an older - by whopping 10 years - brother living in the same apartment, you were as much responsible for him as your parents were, so if you want someone to blame, then you can't really pass adding yourself to the list.

    I understand very well the urge to point a finger at someone and say "you've brought ruin and disaster into my peaceful life!", but in the end it's just poison. As DreadKhan said, let time help, the urge will pass eventually.

    Also, a more practical advice - if you ever notice something is wrong but the shit hasn't hit the fan yet, make sure you don't have anything illegal in your apartment, or on your hardware, or in browser history, etc. I.e. basically assume that police is already on its way to barge into your house this night, and you don't want them to find anything that might incriminate yourself (in addition to whatever they were after in the first place), and you also don't want to look like there could be something they've missed by a chance.

  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    Ardanis said:

    While I agree it is parents' direct responsibility to grow their son into respectable man, I would avoid placing too much blame on anyone.

    First, people have different characters and personalities, and it sounds like your family was just too mellow when it came to enforcing authority. It happens.
    Second, although legally a 18 y.o. is an adult, psychologically it's not always the case in modern society.
    Lastly, as an older - by whopping 10 years - brother living in the same apartment, you were as much responsible for him as your parents were, so if you want someone to blame, then you can't really pass adding yourself to the list.

    So what was my mistake ?
    was it that i didn't call the police ?
    or because i lied in court ?

  • ArdanisArdanis Member Posts: 1,736
    Not a mistake per se, more like not being a stern authority figure when he failed to listen to words. When I deal with friends/family, they know I mean business if I insist upon something. Depending on personality, it's not a skill that can be taught easily, especially if one loves their family (why else to give away their last Christmas money or lie in the court?), which is why I advocate against holding grudge.

    As for the proper course of action, I was in fact going to update my previous post - consider going straight to lawyer if there's unsolvable trouble, they should have a better idea how to proceed in a given situation. The idea may sound weird or even scary to some, but this is what lawyers are for. Just like you shouldn't postpone a visit to doctor until you start coughing up blood.

    dreamtraveler
  • PibaroPibaro Member, Translator (NDA) Posts: 2,989
    I would have done the same things you did!

    Ardanisdreamtraveler
  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    Ardanis said:

    Not a mistake per se, more like not being a stern authority figure when he failed to listen to words. When I deal with friends/family, they know I mean business if I insist upon something. Depending on personality, it's not a skill that can be taught easily, especially if one loves their family (why else to give away their last Christmas money or lie in the court?), which is why I advocate against holding grudge.

    As for the proper course of action, I was in fact going to update my previous post - consider going straight to lawyer if there's unsolvable trouble, they should have a better idea how to proceed in a given situation. The idea may sound weird or even scary to some, but this is what lawyers are for. Just like you shouldn't postpone a visit to doctor until you start coughing up blood.

    i never thought of visiting a lawyer about that problem i do thought of going to the police department but then i would break up my family

  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    perhaps the best way i could extract revenge from my parents would be to have become a junky

  • scriverscriver Member Posts: 2,046
    Wait a sec. You're the older brother, by as much as 10 years?

    Yeah, you've failed in your brotherly duties almost as much as your parents did. It's ridiculous to blame your parents for being to soft on him when you were clearly letting him get away with the same shit yourself instead of giving him the boundaries he needed.

    Jesus. I assumed you'd have to be the younger brother from your feckless and shiftless attitude. Seriously, you're 30 years old, not 8. You shouldn't have to go crying to your parents to rein your ten years younger brother in. You were the fucking adult in that apartment, you're the one who let that happen.

    Mirandel
  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    edited November 2017
    scriver said:

    Wait a sec. You're the older brother, by as much as 10 years?

    Yeah, you've failed in your brotherly duties almost as much as your parents did. It's ridiculous to blame your parents for being to soft on him when you were clearly letting him get away with the same shit yourself instead of giving him the boundaries he needed.

    Jesus. I assumed you'd have to be the younger brother from your feckless and shiftless attitude. Seriously, you're 30 years old, not 8. You shouldn't have to go crying to your parents to rein your ten years younger brother in. You were the fucking adult in that apartment, you're the one who let that happen.

    i know for a fact that my brother would not hear what i have to say there is not any way that i could interact with him as before i even know my brother was addicted to pot but not just any kind of pot, the pot that is get dried by the use of chemicals i mean his brain cells have been burnt out he was really aggressive to every thing he disliked... i would have to use physical force to make him understand but i am not muscular and i didn't and dont have that kind of physical strength some people compensate for that with a gun just to intimidate and force others to act like a human being but i didnt have a gun and i couldnt get my hands on one cause i am not involved with people on the black market

  • dreamtravelerdreamtraveler Member Posts: 377
    scriver said:

    I would have moved to an apartment not shared with a drug dealer.

    I couldnt afford an apartment i was unemployed and it didnt really ocure to me to leave the house not until i got busted for no reason

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