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Can Viconia's Recruitment Grammar Be Tweaked?

HaHaCharadeHaHaCharade Member Posts: 1,506
edited March 2013 in Not An Issue
Below is the dialogue when Viconia joins the group:

image

Is it just me, or does it not flow well at all? I'm not a grammatical expert but I would think it would sound better as something like this (just one possible suggestion):

"I thank you! I know you may not be willing to give me a chance because I am a drow, but if you do you won't regret it! Can I join with you? I need friends now more than ever."

In this example I dropped the dark skin thing completely. I guess they are explaining to people who don't know that drow have dark skin, but I mean... is it necessary? The flaming fist mercenary calls her a "dark elf" already during the initial encounter, and her biography mentions the dark elf moniker as well. I also wasn't sure about "I thank you!" vs. just "Thank you!" the "I" seems unnecessary, but maybe drow talk that way... so I left it in.

Here's another possibility with the dark skin reference left in:

"I thank you! I know you may not be willing to give me a chance because I am a drow, something my dark skin makes difficult to hide. If you do though, you won't regret it! Can I join with you? I need friends now more than ever."

Thoughts? Not saying my examples are perfect by any means, but I just think it could be cleaned up. I've been wrong before.

Post edited by Aedan on
MelicampMoomintrollKristie83

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