NPC Limericks
lunarhalo
Member Posts: 71
I thought it would be fun to write some limericks about the NPCs found in the Baldur's Gate series. Since that form is usually identified with bawdier material I tried to stay true to that while adhering to the PG-13 nature of the forum. So my goal is for them to work on 2 levels. Basically, if you have a sick mind you can take them in a sick way, but they won't be overly overt in nature. Double entendres abound.
Feel free to add your own limericks/poems.
Original Baldur’s Gate NPCs(Complete!)
Ajantis
A knight of the Radiant Heart
attempted to hold in a fart.
His clenching was brave
but he failed his save
and routed a village of Xzarts.
Alora
There once was a thief named Alora
with toes from which hair bloomed like flora.
One night while she rested
her mange was molested
by a very unlucky angora.
Branwen
A petrified priest made a list
each time she was groped, felt or kissed.
As silent as stone
to Tempus she'd moan
"Why does everyone treat me like schist?"
Coran
Awaking alone one fine morn
to a beast full of hunger and scorn,
a dexterous elf
faced the wyvern himself
anxious to toot his own horn.
Dynaheir
An insatiable Rashemi witch
used and unidentified wand on her itch.
But each time she scratched
a level was snatched
since it was crafted with bones from a lich.
Edwin
There was once a red wizard of Thay
who was casting the spell color spray
from his hands rainbows flickered
and everyone snickered
He screamed, "Silence you fools! I'm not gay."
Eldoth
A lady told Eldoth to give her
what arrows he had to deliver.
When presented, she laughed
at the pitiful shafts
and asked, "How will this fill up my quiver?"
Faldorn
Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
she had summoned had been poorly fed.
She made goodberry jam,
but he yelped, "Woman damn,
I'd really prefer it on bread."
Garrick
The battle was joined by Sir Garrick
who heard girls like their men more barbaric
instead of a hunk
he turned into chunks
but his music was more atmospheric.
Imoen
Softly leaving her lover to snore
a young trollop went out to explore.
While in shadows some gas
was compelled not to pass
from her tail by the plug placed before.
Jaheira
In the farmlands around Baldur's Gate
Jaheira equipped Ankheg plate
As mating calls trilled
the druidess thrilled
and said Nature's servant awaits.
Kagain
A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
His health regiment
was demanding some rent
from each passing instance of pain.
Khalid
A cowardly elf lived to see
his wife in the arms of a tree
"Why w-w-would" he stuttered
"B-b-because" she muttered
"It may leave but at least it won't flee."
Kivan
Though Kivan had avenged all his kin
Tazok's death left him hollow within
So each time he slays him
he makes sure to raise him
again and again and again.
Minsc
A berserker with cognitive glitches
had pledged to protect his sandwiches.
Enraged finding crumbs,
His space hamster chum
had to hide in unsavory niches.
Montaron
Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
Just close your door tightly
and make sure you sleep lightly.
It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.
Safana
An elf once entreated Safana
to quest for his magic banana
"While I may feel sensual,
I'm not one-dimensional."
she said, as she kneed his sultanas.
Shar-Teel
A bard appraising Shar-Teel
suggested she get a face peel
"That's what I might do
if it looks good on you."
she said, as she unsheathed her steel
Skie
Though attracted to mandolin strumming
Skie discovered new methods of slumming.
Werewolves are stronger,
Vampires last longer
and Xzart lyrics aren't quit as mind-numbing.
Quayle
Quayle needed something to enhance
so a party might give him a chance
He intoned, "Watch my cane
grow as big as my brain."
but 'twas more like a twig than a lance.
Tiax
There once was a creature Ethereal
a gnome summoned from planes immaterial.
He said "Tiax will rule."
and the djinn replied "Cool,
in metric units or in imperial?"
Viconia
In spite of the drow's morning star,
her skin was no lighter than tar.
When the brave would embark
for her underdark
their hands best be guided by Shar.
Xan
While Xan was still questing in vain
bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
An invulnerable globe
protected his robe
from the damage but not from the stain.
Xzar
When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
whose madness suffused him like cancer,
summoned fiends beyond count
to possess the Duke's mount,
"I was imping his ride" was his answer.
Yeslick
Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
in a manner that he found depraved.
On a scroll of dispel
they inscribed a dwarf belle
but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.
New NPCs
Baeloth
A slave slowly gathered his spit
and landed a critical hit.
The drow fell on his tail
near a rack full of flails
and ripped open a second black pit.
Dorn
In the front with his stout orcish spear
the blackguard could long persevere.
But while in the fray
he could go either way
and deftly attack from the rear.
Neera
Neera's new lover learned how
to brave itches and plummeting cows.
When the wild wizard surged
from his backpack emerged
a helmet to cover his brow.
Rasaad
The monk wasn't much of a brute
and he couldn't put on metal suits.
Not long after a brawl
friends could only recall
the gold that they got for his boots.
Feel free to add your own limericks/poems.
Original Baldur’s Gate NPCs(Complete!)
Ajantis
A knight of the Radiant Heart
attempted to hold in a fart.
His clenching was brave
but he failed his save
and routed a village of Xzarts.
Alora
There once was a thief named Alora
with toes from which hair bloomed like flora.
One night while she rested
her mange was molested
by a very unlucky angora.
Branwen
A petrified priest made a list
each time she was groped, felt or kissed.
As silent as stone
to Tempus she'd moan
"Why does everyone treat me like schist?"
Coran
Awaking alone one fine morn
to a beast full of hunger and scorn,
a dexterous elf
faced the wyvern himself
anxious to toot his own horn.
Dynaheir
An insatiable Rashemi witch
used and unidentified wand on her itch.
But each time she scratched
a level was snatched
since it was crafted with bones from a lich.
Edwin
There was once a red wizard of Thay
who was casting the spell color spray
from his hands rainbows flickered
and everyone snickered
He screamed, "Silence you fools! I'm not gay."
Eldoth
A lady told Eldoth to give her
what arrows he had to deliver.
When presented, she laughed
at the pitiful shafts
and asked, "How will this fill up my quiver?"
Faldorn
Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
she had summoned had been poorly fed.
She made goodberry jam,
but he yelped, "Woman damn,
I'd really prefer it on bread."
Garrick
The battle was joined by Sir Garrick
who heard girls like their men more barbaric
instead of a hunk
he turned into chunks
but his music was more atmospheric.
Imoen
Softly leaving her lover to snore
a young trollop went out to explore.
While in shadows some gas
was compelled not to pass
from her tail by the plug placed before.
Jaheira
In the farmlands around Baldur's Gate
Jaheira equipped Ankheg plate
As mating calls trilled
the druidess thrilled
and said Nature's servant awaits.
Kagain
A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
His health regiment
was demanding some rent
from each passing instance of pain.
Khalid
A cowardly elf lived to see
his wife in the arms of a tree
"Why w-w-would" he stuttered
"B-b-because" she muttered
"It may leave but at least it won't flee."
Kivan
Though Kivan had avenged all his kin
Tazok's death left him hollow within
So each time he slays him
he makes sure to raise him
again and again and again.
Minsc
A berserker with cognitive glitches
had pledged to protect his sandwiches.
Enraged finding crumbs,
His space hamster chum
had to hide in unsavory niches.
Montaron
Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
Just close your door tightly
and make sure you sleep lightly.
It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.
Safana
An elf once entreated Safana
to quest for his magic banana
"While I may feel sensual,
I'm not one-dimensional."
she said, as she kneed his sultanas.
Shar-Teel
A bard appraising Shar-Teel
suggested she get a face peel
"That's what I might do
if it looks good on you."
she said, as she unsheathed her steel
Skie
Though attracted to mandolin strumming
Skie discovered new methods of slumming.
Werewolves are stronger,
Vampires last longer
and Xzart lyrics aren't quit as mind-numbing.
Quayle
Quayle needed something to enhance
so a party might give him a chance
He intoned, "Watch my cane
grow as big as my brain."
but 'twas more like a twig than a lance.
Tiax
There once was a creature Ethereal
a gnome summoned from planes immaterial.
He said "Tiax will rule."
and the djinn replied "Cool,
in metric units or in imperial?"
Viconia
In spite of the drow's morning star,
her skin was no lighter than tar.
When the brave would embark
for her underdark
their hands best be guided by Shar.
Xan
While Xan was still questing in vain
bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
An invulnerable globe
protected his robe
from the damage but not from the stain.
Xzar
When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
whose madness suffused him like cancer,
summoned fiends beyond count
to possess the Duke's mount,
"I was imping his ride" was his answer.
Yeslick
Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
in a manner that he found depraved.
On a scroll of dispel
they inscribed a dwarf belle
but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.
New NPCs
Baeloth
A slave slowly gathered his spit
and landed a critical hit.
The drow fell on his tail
near a rack full of flails
and ripped open a second black pit.
Dorn
In the front with his stout orcish spear
the blackguard could long persevere.
But while in the fray
he could go either way
and deftly attack from the rear.
Neera
Neera's new lover learned how
to brave itches and plummeting cows.
When the wild wizard surged
from his backpack emerged
a helmet to cover his brow.
Rasaad
The monk wasn't much of a brute
and he couldn't put on metal suits.
Not long after a brawl
friends could only recall
the gold that they got for his boots.
Post edited by lunarhalo on
11
Comments
Khalid is a coward, you boast
Not fit to be part of your host.
But that he perseveres
In spite of his fears
In fact makes him braver than most.
A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
His health regiment
was demanding some rent
from each passing instance of pain
Mad he was, who knows what he ever meant
Xzar taught your grandmudda to suck eggs
His associate Monty had short legs
But alas the Harpers brought their judgment
There once was a wizard in red
Who wanted a Wychlaran dead.
But the hero said 'no'
(For he listened to Boo)
And the wizard - named Ed - lost his head.
Quite oft' when the party had lunch
The Zhentarim halfling would munch
So much that the rest
Would call him in jest
'Full Monty' - that humourous bunch!
Who got mad when her targets would fear her
She hid behind xzar
And cast spells from afar
But the results were decidedly queerer
Whose paladin skills were quite wazzy
Half way through this rhyme
I ran out of time
So the last line is going to be laz(z)y
Looked down on his colleagues with scorn
He held the sword coast to ransom
But he looked pretty handsome
So search google image for porn
A hero once said in despair:
'Could henchmen *not* come in a pair?
I want just the one,
The other's no fun -
Let's go find some big, hungry bear!'
A hero, when asked for advice
Demanded a quite hefty price.
Said: 'That is the deal,
But to show I'm genteel
You can have my two Zhents for free!'
'Dear Imoen, answer me, please,
Has your cup-size just seen an increase?'
Said she with a snigger:
'Yea, look - so much bigger!
I'm Enhanced by some lucky caprice!'
While planning a war of incredible scale
for goodhood to achieve and on mortals prevail
got beaten at his game
by a clueless Charname
now minstrels all sing of his most epic fail
'Thy called?' - it was Dynaheir's voice,
And all vinced at the horrible noice.
So awkward to hear,
Such a pain to the ear,
That severe, grammatical glitch.
EDIT: Damn, just realised that the last line doesn't rhyme. Two versions got mixed up, it seems. Well, here is a version that works...
'Thy called?' - it was Dyna the witch,
And everyone started to twitch.
So awkward to hear,
Such a pain to the ear,
That severe, grammatical glitch.
And everyone wants him to die'a
So with fists of the monk
He was blown into chunks
Now off to slay the one named Neeber
There once was a mighty hamster named Boo
Until Monteron turned him into a stew
With Minsc in a rage and fury
Charname began to worry
That there wouldn't be enough stew for two
Was cheerful like no one afore 'er
So great was her mirth
That it took a wide berth
For anyone keen to ignore 'er.
who heard girls like their men more barbaric
instead of a hunk
he turned into chunks
but his music was more atmospheric
and suggested she get a face peel
"That's what I might do
if it looks good on you."
she said, as she unsheathed her steel
An elf once entreated Safana
to quest for his magic banana
"While I may feel sensual,
I'm not one-dimensional."
she said, as she kneed his sultanas.
Said Firkraag,'and call me hedonic,
But I'd like to see
In bee-gee-two-ee
That dragons become supersonic.'
her skin was no lighter than tar.
When the brave would embark
for her underdark
their hands best be guided by Shar.
Your last limerick was sublime,
Way better than any of mine.
That double entendre,
I say - and with candour -
Has made me decide to... resign.
EDIT: Yeah, right, didn't take me long to break that promise.
In the land of Umar that was hilly-er
They killed undead with flair
Til they went in the lair
Of a black dragon called Thaxll'ssillyia
Made spells for erotic regalia
He had some success
With unsummon dress
But Bigby's right hand was a failiure
A petrified priest made a list
each time she was groped, felt or kissed.
As silent as stone
to Tempus she'd moan
"Why does everyone treat me like schist?"
Tiax
There once was a creature Ethereal
a gnome summoned from planes immaterial.
He said "Tiax will rule."
and the djinn replied "Cool,
in metric units or in imperial?"
There was once a red wizard of Thay
who was casting the spell color spray
from his hands rainbows flickered
and everyone snickered
He screamed, "Silence you fools! I'm not gay."
Ajantis
A knight of the Radiant Heart
attempted to hold in a fart.
His clenching was brave
but he failed his save
and routed a village of Xzarts.
To date Safana, his long secret crush
So Garrick got laid
but later he paid
for an ointment to get rid of thrush
A gnome that we know of as Quayle
Sought employment, but to no avail.
When snubbed by the party
The poor little smarty
Had to put himself up "for sale".
When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
whose madness suffused him like cancer,
summoned fiends beyond count
to possess the Duke's mount,
"I was imping his ride" was his answer.
Montaron
Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
Just close your door tightly
and make sure you sleep lightly.
It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.
Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
in a manner that he found depraved.
On a scroll of dispel
they inscribed a dwarf belle
but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.
Faldorn
Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
she had summoned had been poorly fed.
She made goodberry jam,
but he yelped, "Woman damn,
I'd really prefer it on bread."
A cowardly elf lived to see
his wife in the arms of a tree
"Why w-w-would" he stuttered
"B-b-because" she muttered
"It may leave but at least it won't flee."
Xan
While Xan was still questing in vain
bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
An invulnerable globe
protected his robe
from the damage but not from the stain.