I thought it would be fun to write some limericks about the NPCs found in the Baldur's Gate series. Since that form is usually identified with bawdier material I tried to stay true to that while adhering to the PG-13 nature of the forum. So my goal is for them to work on 2 levels. Basically, if you have a sick mind you can take them in a sick way, but they won't be overly overt in nature. Double entendres abound.
Feel free to add your own limericks/poems.
Original Baldur’s Gate NPCs(Complete!)
A knight of the Radiant Heart
attempted to hold in a fart.
His clenching was brave
but he failed his save
and routed a village of Xzarts.
There once was a thief named Alora
with toes from which hair bloomed like flora.
One night while she rested
her mange was molested
by a very unlucky angora.
A petrified priest made a list
each time she was groped, felt or kissed.
As silent as stone
to Tempus she'd moan
"Why does everyone treat me like schist?"
Awaking alone one fine morn
to a beast full of hunger and scorn,
a dexterous elf
faced the wyvern himself
anxious to toot his own horn.
An insatiable Rashemi witch
used and unidentified wand on her itch.
But each time she scratched
a level was snatched
since it was crafted with bones from a lich.
There was once a red wizard of Thay
who was casting the spell color spray
from his hands rainbows flickered
and everyone snickered
He screamed, "Silence you fools! I'm not gay."
A lady told Eldoth to give her
what arrows he had to deliver.
When presented, she laughed
at the pitiful shafts
and asked, "How will this fill up my quiver?"
Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
she had summoned had been poorly fed.
She made goodberry jam,
but he yelped, "Woman damn,
I'd really prefer it on bread."
The battle was joined by Sir Garrick
who heard girls like their men more barbaric
instead of a hunk
he turned into chunks
but his music was more atmospheric.
Softly leaving her lover to snore
a young trollop went out to explore.
While in shadows some gas
was compelled not to pass
from her tail by the plug placed before.
In the farmlands around Baldur's Gate
Jaheira equipped Ankheg plate
As mating calls trilled
the druidess thrilled
and said Nature's servant awaits.
A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
His health regiment
was demanding some rent
from each passing instance of pain.
A cowardly elf lived to see
his wife in the arms of a tree
"Why w-w-would" he stuttered
"B-b-because" she muttered
"It may leave but at least it won't flee."
Though Kivan had avenged all his kin
Tazok's death left him hollow within
So each time he slays him
he makes sure to raise him
again and again and again.
A berserker with cognitive glitches
had pledged to protect his sandwiches.
Enraged finding crumbs,
His space hamster chum
had to hide in unsavory niches.
Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
Just close your door tightly
and make sure you sleep lightly.
It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.
An elf once entreated Safana
to quest for his magic banana
"While I may feel sensual,
I'm not one-dimensional."
she said, as she kneed his sultanas.
A bard appraising Shar-Teel
suggested she get a face peel
"That's what I might do
if it looks good on you."
she said, as she unsheathed her steel
Though attracted to mandolin strumming
Skie discovered new methods of slumming.
Werewolves are stronger,
Vampires last longer
and Xzart lyrics aren't quit as mind-numbing.
Quayle needed something to enhance
so a party might give him a chance
He intoned, "Watch my cane
grow as big as my brain."
but 'twas more like a twig than a lance.
There once was a creature Ethereal
a gnome summoned from planes immaterial.
He said "Tiax will rule."
and the djinn replied "Cool,
in metric units or in imperial?"
In spite of the drow's morning star,
her skin was no lighter than tar.
When the brave would embark
for her underdark
their hands best be guided by Shar.
While Xan was still questing in vain
bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
An invulnerable globe
protected his robe
from the damage but not from the stain.
When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
whose madness suffused him like cancer,
summoned fiends beyond count
to possess the Duke's mount,
"I was imping his ride" was his answer.
Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
in a manner that he found depraved.
On a scroll of dispel
they inscribed a dwarf belle
but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.
A slave slowly gathered his spit
and landed a critical hit.
The drow fell on his tail
near a rack full of flails
and ripped open a second black pit.
In the front with his stout orcish spear
the blackguard could long persevere.
But while in the fray
he could go either way
and deftly attack from the rear.
Neera's new lover learned how
to brave itches and plummeting cows.
When the wild wizard surged
from his backpack emerged
a helmet to cover his brow.
The monk wasn't much of a brute
and he couldn't put on metal suits.
Not long after a brawl
friends could only recall
the gold that they got for his boots.