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NPC Limericks

lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
edited February 2013 in Fan Creations
I thought it would be fun to write some limericks about the NPCs found in the Baldur's Gate series. Since that form is usually identified with bawdier material I tried to stay true to that while adhering to the PG-13 nature of the forum. So my goal is for them to work on 2 levels. Basically, if you have a sick mind you can take them in a sick way, but they won't be overly overt in nature. Double entendres abound.


Feel free to add your own limericks/poems.



Original Baldur’s Gate NPCs(Complete!)

Ajantis

A knight of the Radiant Heart
attempted to hold in a fart.
His clenching was brave
but he failed his save
and routed a village of Xzarts.

Alora

There once was a thief named Alora
with toes from which hair bloomed like flora.
One night while she rested
her mange was molested
by a very unlucky angora.

Branwen

A petrified priest made a list
each time she was groped, felt or kissed.
As silent as stone
to Tempus she'd moan
"Why does everyone treat me like schist?"

Coran

Awaking alone one fine morn
to a beast full of hunger and scorn,
a dexterous elf
faced the wyvern himself
anxious to toot his own horn.

Dynaheir

An insatiable Rashemi witch
used and unidentified wand on her itch.
But each time she scratched
a level was snatched
since it was crafted with bones from a lich.

Edwin

There was once a red wizard of Thay
who was casting the spell color spray
from his hands rainbows flickered
and everyone snickered
He screamed, "Silence you fools! I'm not gay."

Eldoth

A lady told Eldoth to give her
what arrows he had to deliver.
When presented, she laughed
at the pitiful shafts
and asked, "How will this fill up my quiver?"

Faldorn

Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
she had summoned had been poorly fed.
She made goodberry jam,
but he yelped, "Woman damn,
I'd really prefer it on bread."

Garrick

The battle was joined by Sir Garrick
who heard girls like their men more barbaric
instead of a hunk
he turned into chunks
but his music was more atmospheric.

Imoen

Softly leaving her lover to snore
a young trollop went out to explore.
While in shadows some gas
was compelled not to pass
from her tail by the plug placed before.

Jaheira

In the farmlands around Baldur's Gate
Jaheira equipped Ankheg plate
As mating calls trilled
the druidess thrilled
and said Nature's servant awaits.

Kagain

A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
His health regiment
was demanding some rent
from each passing instance of pain.

Khalid

A cowardly elf lived to see
his wife in the arms of a tree
"Why w-w-would" he stuttered
"B-b-because" she muttered
"It may leave but at least it won't flee."

Kivan

Though Kivan had avenged all his kin
Tazok's death left him hollow within
So each time he slays him
he makes sure to raise him
again and again and again.

Minsc

A berserker with cognitive glitches
had pledged to protect his sandwiches.
Enraged finding crumbs,
His space hamster chum
had to hide in unsavory niches.

Montaron

Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
Just close your door tightly
and make sure you sleep lightly.
It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.

Safana

An elf once entreated Safana
to quest for his magic banana
"While I may feel sensual,
I'm not one-dimensional."
she said, as she kneed his sultanas.

Shar-Teel

A bard appraising Shar-Teel
suggested she get a face peel
"That's what I might do
if it looks good on you."
she said, as she unsheathed her steel

Skie

Though attracted to mandolin strumming
Skie discovered new methods of slumming.
Werewolves are stronger,
Vampires last longer
and Xzart lyrics aren't quit as mind-numbing.

Quayle

Quayle needed something to enhance
so a party might give him a chance
He intoned, "Watch my cane
grow as big as my brain."
but 'twas more like a twig than a lance.

Tiax

There once was a creature Ethereal
a gnome summoned from planes immaterial.
He said "Tiax will rule."
and the djinn replied "Cool,
in metric units or in imperial?"

Viconia

In spite of the drow's morning star,
her skin was no lighter than tar.
When the brave would embark
for her underdark
their hands best be guided by Shar.

Xan

While Xan was still questing in vain
bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
An invulnerable globe
protected his robe
from the damage but not from the stain.

Xzar

When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
whose madness suffused him like cancer,
summoned fiends beyond count
to possess the Duke's mount,
"I was imping his ride" was his answer.

Yeslick

Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
in a manner that he found depraved.
On a scroll of dispel
they inscribed a dwarf belle
but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.

New NPCs

Baeloth

A slave slowly gathered his spit
and landed a critical hit.
The drow fell on his tail
near a rack full of flails
and ripped open a second black pit.

Dorn

In the front with his stout orcish spear
the blackguard could long persevere.
But while in the fray
he could go either way
and deftly attack from the rear.

Neera

Neera's new lover learned how
to brave itches and plummeting cows.
When the wild wizard surged
from his backpack emerged
a helmet to cover his brow.

Rasaad

The monk wasn't much of a brute
and he couldn't put on metal suits.
Not long after a brawl
friends could only recall
the gold that they got for his boots.

Post edited by lunarhalo on
swnmcmlxiSanctiferAndreaColomboBelgarathMTHDriftwoodLeronisShapiroKeatsDarkMageLadyEibhilinRhettlolienSoren_The_WildButtercheese
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Comments

  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    Kagain

    A gold hungry dwarf named Kagain
    could shrug off each cut, scrape or sprain
    His health regiment
    was demanding some rent
    from each passing instance of pain
    QuartzswnmcmlxiButtercheese
  • QuartzQuartz Member Posts: 3,853
    edited January 2013
    On the west-coast road was a green-robed Zhent
    Mad he was, who knows what he ever meant
    Xzar taught your grandmudda to suck eggs
    His associate Monty had short legs
    But alas the Harpers brought their judgment
    lunarhalo
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    Montaron

    Quite oft' when the party had lunch
    The Zhentarim halfling would munch
    So much that the rest
    Would call him in jest
    'Full Monty' - that humourous bunch!
    DrugarlunarhaloAndreaColomboSoren_The_Wild
  • ajwzajwz Member Posts: 4,122
    There once was a young girl named Neera
    Who got mad when her targets would fear her
    She hid behind xzar
    And cast spells from afar
    But the results were decidedly queerer
    swnmcmlxilunarhaloShapiroKeatsDarkMageButtercheese
  • ajwzajwz Member Posts: 4,122
    There was a short halfling named Mazzy
    Whose paladin skills were quite wazzy
    Half way through this rhyme
    I ran out of time
    So the last line is going to be laz(z)y
    swnmcmlxiSoren_The_Wild
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    I know it should be about NPCs, but Charname intruded into two of mine:

    A hero once said in despair:
    'Could henchmen *not* come in a pair?
    I want just the one,
    The other's no fun -
    Let's go find some big, hungry bear!'

    A hero, when asked for advice
    Demanded a quite hefty price.
    Said: 'That is the deal,
    But to show I'm genteel
    You can have my two Zhents for free!'
    ajwzAndreaColombolunarhaloBelgarathMTH
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    And one for good, ol' Immy:

    'Dear Imoen, answer me, please,
    Has your cup-size just seen an increase?'
    Said she with a snigger:
    'Yea, look - so much bigger!
    I'm Enhanced by some lucky caprice!'
    ajwzAndreaColombolunarhaloSoren_The_Wild
  • deltagodeltago Member Posts: 7,811
    There is a man that says "hi ya"
    And everyone wants him to die'a
    So with fists of the monk
    He was blown into chunks
    Now off to slay the one named Neeber

    There once was a mighty hamster named Boo
    Until Monteron turned him into a stew
    With Minsc in a rage and fury
    Charname began to worry
    That there wouldn't be enough stew for two
    lunarhaloMattysekButtercheese
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    A young halfling lass named Alora
    Was cheerful like no one afore 'er
    So great was her mirth
    That it took a wide berth
    For anyone keen to ignore 'er.
    lunarhalo
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    The battle was joined by Sir Garrick
    who heard girls like their men more barbaric
    instead of a hunk
    he turned into chunks
    but his music was more atmospheric
    swnmcmlxiBelgarathMTH
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    edited January 2013
    A bard examined Shar-Teel
    and suggested she get a face peel
    "That's what I might do
    if it looks good on you."
    she said, as she unsheathed her steel

    An elf once entreated Safana
    to quest for his magic banana
    "While I may feel sensual,
    I'm not one-dimensional."
    she said, as she kneed his sultanas.
    swnmcmlxiAndreaColombo
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    'I know this might sound quite moronic',
    Said Firkraag,'and call me hedonic,
    But I'd like to see
    In bee-gee-two-ee
    That dragons become supersonic.'
    AndreaColombolunarhaloScooter
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    In spite of the drow's morning star,
    her skin was no lighter than tar.
    When the brave would embark
    for her underdark
    their hands best be guided by Shar.
    swnmcmlxiAndreaColomboajwz
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    edited January 2013
    @lunarhalo
    Your last limerick was sublime,
    Way better than any of mine.
    That double entendre,
    I say - and with candour -
    Has made me decide to... resign.

    EDIT: Yeah, right, didn't take me long to break that promise.
    Post edited by swnmcmlxi on
  • ajwzajwz Member Posts: 4,122
    Our young heroes tried to get killy-er
    In the land of Umar that was hilly-er
    They killed undead with flair
    Til they went in the lair
    Of a black dragon called Thaxll'ssillyia
    lunarhaloButtercheese
  • ajwzajwz Member Posts: 4,122
    edited January 2013
    Young Garrick was in quite a rush
    To date Safana, his long secret crush
    So Garrick got laid
    but later he paid
    for an ointment to get rid of thrush
    AndreaColombolunarhaloDriftwoodButtercheese
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    OK, you guys inspire me to have a relapse:

    A gnome that we know of as Quayle
    Sought employment, but to no avail.
    When snubbed by the party
    The poor little smarty
    Had to put himself up "for sale".
    lunarhaloAndreaColomboDriftwoodButtercheese
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    Xzar

    When asked why, the Zhent necromancer,
    whose madness suffused him like cancer,
    summoned fiends beyond count
    to possess the Duke's mount,
    "I was imping his ride" was his answer.

    Montaron

    Put a chest within sight - he will rob it.
    Put a knife in his hand - he will lob it.
    Just close your door tightly
    and make sure you sleep lightly.
    It's not easy to stop a bad hobbit.
    swnmcmlxirexregButtercheese
  • swnmcmlxiswnmcmlxi Member Posts: 297
    Oh, stobbit! (I'm sorry, I have a cold)
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    Yeslick

    Some young clanmates of Yeslick behaved
    in a manner that he found depraved.
    On a scroll of dispel
    they inscribed a dwarf belle
    but her beard, to his horror, was shaved.

    Faldorn

    Faldorn worried the wolf that was dread
    she had summoned had been poorly fed.
    She made goodberry jam,
    but he yelped, "Woman damn,
    I'd really prefer it on bread."
    AndreaColomboswnmcmlxiButtercheese
  • ajwzajwz Member Posts: 4,122
    I was gonna write some innuedo for Yeslick. Then I realised it already was one.
    Buttercheese
  • lunarhalolunarhalo Member Posts: 71
    Khalid

    A cowardly elf lived to see
    his wife in the arms of a tree
    "Why w-w-would" he stuttered
    "B-b-because" she muttered
    "It may leave but at least it won't flee."

    Xan

    While Xan was still questing in vain
    bolts of lightning arced down through the rain.
    An invulnerable globe
    protected his robe
    from the damage but not from the stain.
    AndreaColomboswnmcmlxiButtercheese
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