Ideas for a really bad NPC mod
jacobtan
Member Posts: 655
in BGII:EE Mods
Just out of morbid curiosity (and a bit of perverse fun), I'm trying to conceive what can be considered the "worst NPC mod". They might include:
1. Weak stats (9 throughout)
2. Weak class (perhaps Wizard Slayer?)
3. Comes equipped with cursed items that give negative bonuses
4. Talks regularly... Like once every 30 seconds
5. Romances everybody from male to female to animals (even Wilson the Bear)
6. Writing that rivals the worst of fanfiction (maybe yaoi + graphic details + something else)
7. Ludicrous background (Star Wars + DnD + LotR + some camp stuff)
8. Interrupts you with sleep talks at inconvenient moments, when you're fighting Ascension Melissan, for example
9. Lots of melodrama - if Saerileth can die of heartbreak, maybe he/she/it dies if you don't sleep with he/she/it
Any other bright ideas?
1. Weak stats (9 throughout)
2. Weak class (perhaps Wizard Slayer?)
3. Comes equipped with cursed items that give negative bonuses
4. Talks regularly... Like once every 30 seconds
5. Romances everybody from male to female to animals (even Wilson the Bear)
6. Writing that rivals the worst of fanfiction (maybe yaoi + graphic details + something else)
7. Ludicrous background (Star Wars + DnD + LotR + some camp stuff)
8. Interrupts you with sleep talks at inconvenient moments, when you're fighting Ascension Melissan, for example
9. Lots of melodrama - if Saerileth can die of heartbreak, maybe he/she/it dies if you don't sleep with he/she/it
Any other bright ideas?
4
Comments
That said, this is probably the most horrible thing I can think of:
Class and Stats:
Wizard Slayer/Mage multiclass
Strength: 17
Dexterity: 18
Constitution: 14
Wisdom: 17
Intelligence: 18
Charisma: 16
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Race: Half-Drow (Lolthspawn)
Special Abilities: Can use any items, nullifying Wizard Slayer weakness. Special amulet grants one extra spell to every level and grants the companion 50% magic resistance.
Biography: Raised by a cult of evil magic-fearing zealots in the service of Khorne (yes, I know), Mary Sue always felt uncomfortable with the cruelty of her parents and their followers. She eventually rebelled against them and slaughtered them all for being violent and cruel, using hitherto undiscovered magical powers that were too strong for the Wizard Slayers to resist. She then became a mysterious wanderer searching for a purpose, only to discover the wise old mage Elminster, who revealed that he was her true father (she was apparently the product of a tragic and passionate love affair between the old mage and a good drow) and she had been stolen from him by the Wizard Slayers, who had secretly always wanted to be magical and so kidnapped her out of envy for Elminster's magical might. Elminster gave her a powerful amulet that enhances both the mighty magic that is her birthright and strengthens the skills she was raised with before sending her to guide the Bhaalspawn and protect him/her.
Meeting her: The Irenicus Dungeon is reworked to have her burst in and attack Irenicus to buy you time. She is taken alongside Imoen. Once you reach Spellhold, she breaks out herself using mysterious new powers she herself does not fully understand and you are forced to take her along because Elminster demands the two of you work together.
Personality: Short-tempered, self-righteous and arrogant are words that should be used to describe her, but for some reason they don't seem to apply. Her views on the world are treated as gospel by Good and good-inclined neutral characters, while even those on the deep end of the alignment system treat her with respect and a little fear. She often makes decisions for the player and has something to say about literally every quest and character interarction, to the point of commenting after other party members banter.
Interactions with the Bhaalspawn/romances: The Bhaalspawn is the only character who she considers a true friend (Despite the two having never met before now). She often forces interactions with you, most of which are faux-philosophical or incredibly flighty. The Bhaalspawn has the option to disagree with her or insult her if he so desires, but she always brushes off his jibes as good natured jests that prove the closeness of the pair.
Romance is obligatory for the Bhaalspawn until ToB, at which point she discovers that she is a Lolthspawn and splits up with the Bhaalspawn because she fears her own powers. At this point, we arrive at a crossroads: If the Bhaalspawn displays his/her love sufficiently, the two of you marry and each of you get a powerful ring. At the end of the game, if you ascend, the epilogue states she kills Lolth with your help and becomes the new spider queen in order to be with you forever. If the Bhaalspawn doesn't, she commits suicide and Elminster kills you.
...
Terrible enough for you? :P
I like it. xD
Edit:You should add a bit about her and Viconia having a "rivalry" and by that I mean Viconia acts completely out of character, Mary calls her out on being evil and Viconia ends up eventually betraying you in the underdark in a way that the character never would because obviously shes evil and only Mary could see it. Remember, half the terribleness of a NPC mod is how they force established NPCs to change. Also, make Edwin madly in love with her.
NPC: Death to thee, thou of blackest heart! Perish under the righteous might that I bringeth!
(Her baby-violet eyes flashed again)
Irenicus: You dare to attack me here. Do you even know who you face!
(Her violet eyes turned into a deeper shade of violet)
NPC: Thou be Irenicus the Exile! Much despair thou hath wrought to the Tel'Quessir!
(PC stared at the mysterious young woman, totally captivated by her. She was beautiful like no other. Next to her, Sune would look plain, and Hanali Celanil would hide in shame. No other words could describe such supreme beauty. PC fell in love at first sight, and pledged his love to the highest mountains, to the deepest depths of the sea. Blah blah blah)
(Yelling a war cry with a crystal voice that was heavenly music, she leapt into battle, her violet eyes even more brilliantly violet)
Gosh, I can't continue. I want to throw up.
Please feel free to add more "content". We might end up with a mod that parodies all the bad mods out there
Agreed. Then we can all write "accolades" for this mod. Lmao
(Next to Imoen is the beautiful young woman who helped you fight Irenicus. You are mesmerized by her beauty)
NPC: Thou must be PC. I have long pined for thee.
PC: (You are dumbfounded by the beauty that stands before you. She is no longer a girl, yet not a woman. But her beauty combines the best of both worlds. So engrossed are you in drinking of her beauty that you are not aware that you are gaping)
(NPC blushed, but because her skin was dark, her face turned as violet as her eyes)
NPC: Thou art Bhaalspawn, art thee not?
PC: Yes, my lady.
(NPC brightens up in delight, her violet eyes becoming glowing amethysts)
NPC: Then thou art the one! Before I leaveth my people, I was informeth of a prophecy, that I must seeketh a Bhaalspawn who is my true love. Art thee that one?
PC: Yes, I am him that thou seeketh.
NPC: I pledge my love unto thee, my love. I shalt love thee with all my heart, that the gods will envy thee!
(PC holds her soft hands in his, gazing lovingly at her)
PC: Thou art mine, and I am in thou. Forever.
Imoen: Imoen looks up to her (i:e hero worships her) and their banters consist of Imoen thanking her for breaking her out of Spellhold whilst Mary Sue offers wisdom and the like. ToB banters have them 'bonding' over their demigod status.
Minsc: Minsc both falls passionately in love with her and immediately adopts her as his witch. She accepts the latter and refuses to return his affections with regards to the former. Their interactions tend to be 'funny'. Also, Boo prefers Mary Sue to Minsc.
Jaheira, Aerie and Viconia: Mary Sue offers them all advice, which is always terrible. Jaheira and Aerie kowtow to her, whilst Viconia is rude. Mary always 'cleverly' outwits Viconia with put-downs. If Charname attempts to romance any of the three, Mary is incredibly catty towards them, blaming them for 'seducing' Charname.
Yoshimo: She will attack Yoshimo instantly, saying that her mastery of analysing body language tipped her off as to his intentions.
Nalia: Lots of banter about oppression and the like.
Korgan and Dorn: Both will flirt with her in horrifically out of character fashion. She will attack him immediately and Charname will be forced to assist her in order to 'defend her honour'.
Anomen and Haer'Dalist: These two will also fall in love with her. The banters consist of cringeworthy chat up lines from him and overly dramatic disgust from her.
Jan: Classic Jan humour, except she will always attempt to one-up his stories.
Keldorn, Cernd and Rasaad: She will debate religon and scripture with the two religious characters, or nature with Cernd, proving herself to know more than any of them. All three will often ask for her advice and aid.
Edwin: Edwin will gradually fall in love with her and turn Lawful Good (I'm so sorry) in order to win her over. She will still reject him because her heart belongs only to Charname, at which point Edwin commits suicide.
Valygar: Valygar will go into a rage because he hates mages and attack her. She will flawlessly defeat him and offer a witty one liner.
Mazzy: They will sympathise over their respective past difficulties. Mary will teach her the ways of a Paladin (somehow), but Mazzy is incapable because Mary is too skilled for Mazzy to replicate.
Neera: They will discuss magic, Mary will teach Neera to control her wild magic.
Sarevok: Sarevok can be the meta character who represents the suffering player. He will constantly point out her hypocrisy and the many plot holes surrounding her origin. She will act as if he is complimenting her just like she does with Charname's insults, gradually annoying him more and more. The two never come to blows, because then we wouldn't have the self-referential humour.
Sarevok: Has it ever occurred to you, Lolthspawn, that your relationship with my sibling is...somewhat unhealthy?
Mary: It's so kind of you to notice, Sarevok! Truly, 'tis a shame that love such as ours is so rare in this war-torn land.
Sarevok: I believe I said 'unhealthy', not 'unusual'-though it is most certainly the latter as well.
Mary: Hahaha, truly your wit is unmatched, brother-in-law!
Sarevok: Strange.
Mary: What ails you?
Sarevok: It seems I am hallucinating. For a brief moment I thought that you had called me brother-in-law.
Mary: That I did, friend! Is it so unusual that I would refer to the brother of my husband so?
Sarevok: You...you're married. Of course. Did you not distance yourself from him when you discovered your heritage?
Mary: I did, but the power of love closes all distances!
Sarevok: How fortunate for you. If you do not mind, I would end this conversation here. For some reason, I feel somewhat nauseous.
Originally, I wrote "So engrossed are you in drinking of her beauty that you are not aware that you are drooling from the side of your mouth.", but I thought this is a bit much... makes the PC look like a REAL pedophile LMAO
A female PC falls in love with one persona, but is rejected by the other persona. Eventually, the PC is confused and goes insane.
The end.
If this does get completed, we can laugh at it and maybe play a "where did this come from???" game with it XD
As for a female protagonist, the female protagonist gets no romance, as Anomen, Rasaad, Dorn, and Hexxet are all too in love with Mary Sue to look at the female CHARNAME. And Mary Sue will not permit herself to be used in a party with any other mod NPC, because they don't worship her and understand how great she is. She explodes CHARNAME with Irenicus's custom spells if s/he attempts to add another mod NPC to the party.
...This is going to lead to the worse side quests ever.
P.S.By worse I mean best.
P.P.S. This also gives her a "We're children of god both isn't that so COOL!" aspect, also angst over her own parentage. At some point she should be mopey about her mother and you get a metric fuckton of dialogue options but none to point out that your father is the lord of murder and therefore you probably have it much rougher. Nope. Gotta focus on her and her hang ups.