I made a mistake and named my IPod the Titanic... now it never plays, just keeps synching...
I'm reading this really fascinating book on Anti-Gravity. I just can't put it down!
What happens when Chemists get sick? They try to Helium. But if they die, they Barium.
A Political Cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy...
Toilets stolen from local Police Station. Police have nothing to go on
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West and orders a shot of whiskey. "What brings you to these parts, stranger?" the bartender asks as he pours the liquor. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw," the dog replies.
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender points at it and yells, "Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve string here," and throws him out into the street. This happens several times before the string rubs his head on the sidewalk and makes a circle of his body and pulls his head through himself. He then walks back into the bar to order a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Aren't you that string I threw out of her not five minutes ago?" The string replies, "Frayed knot."
No matter how sexy you find a photographer never ask to step into their darkroom with them to "see what develops"... it will almost always be negative. Sorry if this one made you shutter.
Did you hear the one about the optical lens manufacturer? He accidently fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself!
Did you hear about the guy who had sex with the canary? He caught a nasty case of chirpies. And you know what the worst part is? It's untweetable.
An obese priest went into the deepest, darkest jungle to convert the cannibalistic savages. He was captured by them & promptly plopped into a huge cauldron of hot oil, upon which he became a deep fat friar.
Mary Jane: Hey Spiderman and Batman, there's gonna be a party at my home , would ya like to come? Spidey and Batman: Sure! Mary Jane: But I'm gonna need your parents' permission! Spidey and Batman : MJ, why do you do it to us???
A man went to the dentist. The man requested to have his tooth pulled out. The man said the exact words: "I want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth" - King Kai!
Oooh, I love a good (bad) pun so, I'm going to let you into my world for a little while; once you've visited you may want to run away screaming but I'll not hold that against you... anyways, right now the OH & I are separated by twelve thousand miles or so & he's been trying to find us someplace to live, he eventually found somewhere a bit rural and right outside the front door is a paddock with a cow named Louise in it, it turns out Louise had a pal named Thelma, who escaped and hasn't been seen since, cue the following IM exchange...
OH: I think Thelma felt the need to moooove on ME: Do you reckon she did a MOOnlight flit? ME: she wasn't gonna K(c)owtow to anyone OH: She found udder accommodation ME: Clearly she thought the grass was greener elsewhere ME: I think we might have milked these now OH: Yep. They are getting a bit cheesy now ME: I dunno, I reckon if we thought about it we curd come up with some whey worse ones OH: Very good. ME: You're supposed to say, you win, yogurt me there...
I just got done corresponding with an artist who took a pic of her donkey. She put the "Don't say, 'Nice a.." in the description, with the donkey saying it was tired of hearing it. So I continued in that vein with the Donkey saying it would "burro" underground to escape hearing it again, and/or kick your "hinny".
I'm very good with animal puns, and one good tern deserves another. Sometimes you end up feeling gulled or like a booby, but I sparrow no pun. I know it's nothing to Crow about, and maybe I sound like I'm raven, or Hawking my services. I guess I'm just a little too eagle to get started. Sorry If I made anyone say "Owl!" but I Pelican't stop myself. It's such a hoot!
It wasn't that the street performer didn't know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls...
I went to the store to get some soup ingredients, but they were out of stock.
A more efficient broom style came out on the market, and it's sweeping the nation...
A hole was found in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
Actual Headlines: "Hershey Bars Protest" (about Hershey, PA), "Grandmother of Eight makes Hole in One", "Astronomers find crack in Uranus", "War dims Hope for Peace" (gee, how about that?), "Company finds worker Productivity Drops after Death" (no kidding?!), "Camouflaged Army Vehicle Disappears", "Homicide Victims Rarely talk to Police" (I'm surprised it happens at all!), "Mayor to Homeless: Go Home" :P, "Police Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons", "Statistics show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Sharply After 25" (wonder why not earlier, say... around 20!), "City unsure why the Sewer Smells", "State Prison to Change Easy-Open Locks" (wonder why), "Princess Diana was still alive Hours Before She Died" (this is news?), "One Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers", "County to Pay $250,000 to advertise Lack of Funds", "Peacemaking Council Delayed Due to a Conflict", Sports Page Headline: "A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt", "Blind Man denied Gun Permit", "Hooker named Lay Person of the Year", "Utah Poison Control Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison" (yeah, that seems contra-indicated).
Sign on a church: TRUST IN GOD/HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD SECURITY BY FRANKLIN BURGLAR ALARM, INC.
"I want you to level with me here." "Let's start from the ground up." "We all have our ups an downs." "Stop pushing my buttons." "This just floors me." "That's just wrong on so many levels." "Sometimes I'm empty and don't come up with anything."
A man with a toad on his head walks into a bar, the bartender says "is this some kinda joke?" to which the toad replies "tell me about it, it started as a mole on my ass".
What's he difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?.......The taste
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
What did the gardener say when he fell into the woodchipper?.....Not mulch
What does a snail riding on the back of a tortoise say?....WHEEEEE!
Im not a handsome man. I went to a hooker and dropped my pants.....she dropped her price
a bicycle can't stand alone, it's too tired.
a will is a dead giveaway
time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and i'll show you A-flat miner
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in seine
The roundest knight of the round table was sir cumference The drunkest knight of the round table was sir osis of liver The tastiest knight of the round table was sir loin of beef
A woman walks into a pet store and tells the owner "I've never seen such an exotic looking bird" The owner replies. "I'm not surprised, but I bet you've seen a cockatoo"
Comments
And many hippo returns!
I made a mistake and named my IPod the Titanic... now it never plays, just keeps synching...
I'm reading this really fascinating book on Anti-Gravity. I just can't put it down!
What happens when Chemists get sick? They try to Helium. But if they die, they Barium.
A Political Cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy...
Toilets stolen from local Police Station. Police have nothing to go on
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West and orders a shot of whiskey. "What brings you to these parts, stranger?" the bartender asks as he pours the liquor. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw," the dog replies.
Comic Sans walks into a bar and the bartender points at it and yells, "Get out! We don't want your type in here!"
A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve string here," and throws him out into the street. This happens several times before the string rubs his head on the sidewalk and makes a circle of his body and pulls his head through himself. He then walks back into the bar to order a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Aren't you that string I threw out of her not five minutes ago?" The string replies, "Frayed knot."
No matter how sexy you find a photographer never ask to step into their darkroom with them to "see what develops"... it will almost always be negative. Sorry if this one made you shutter.
Did you hear the one about the optical lens manufacturer?
He accidently fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself!
Did you hear about the guy who had sex with the canary?
He caught a nasty case of chirpies.
And you know what the worst part is?
It's untweetable.
He caught fishylis.
He went to tell the halibut, but lobster & hasn't flounder.
Russell.
He left his favourite bat at home.
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
More math puns:
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
He said I was average - but he was just being mean.
- Why is 6 afraid of 7?
- Because 7 8 9
Atheists don't solve exponential equations, they don't believe in higher powers.
Spidey and Batman: Sure!
Mary Jane: But I'm gonna need your parents' permission!
Spidey and Batman : MJ, why do you do it to us???
The man said the exact words: "I want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth"
- King Kai!
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My dad has a weird hobby. He collects empty bottles - which sounds so much better than 'alcoholic', doesn't it?
My wife and I have a beautiful little girl that we named after my mother. In fact, Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.
And one from Bill Bailey: ROTFLBSST (Rolling on the floor laughing but still strangely typing)
I'm very good with animal puns, and one good tern deserves another. Sometimes you end up feeling gulled or like a booby, but I sparrow no pun. I know it's nothing to Crow about, and maybe I sound like I'm raven, or Hawking my services. I guess I'm just a little too eagle to get started. Sorry If I made anyone say "Owl!" but I Pelican't stop myself. It's such a hoot!
It wasn't that the street performer didn't know how to juggle, she just didn't have the balls...
I went to the store to get some soup ingredients, but they were out of stock.
A more efficient broom style came out on the market, and it's sweeping the nation...
A hole was found in the wall around the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.
Actual Headlines: "Hershey Bars Protest" (about Hershey, PA), "Grandmother of Eight makes Hole in One", "Astronomers find crack in Uranus", "War dims Hope for Peace" (gee, how about that?), "Company finds worker Productivity Drops after Death" (no kidding?!), "Camouflaged Army Vehicle Disappears", "Homicide Victims Rarely talk to Police" (I'm surprised it happens at all!), "Mayor to Homeless: Go Home" :P, "Police Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons", "Statistics show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Sharply After 25" (wonder why not earlier, say... around 20!), "City unsure why the Sewer Smells", "State Prison to Change Easy-Open Locks" (wonder why), "Princess Diana was still alive Hours Before She Died" (this is news?), "One Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers", "County to Pay $250,000 to advertise Lack of Funds", "Peacemaking Council Delayed Due to a Conflict", Sports Page Headline: "A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt", "Blind Man denied Gun Permit", "Hooker named Lay Person of the Year", "Utah Poison Control Reminds Everyone Not to Take Poison" (yeah, that seems contra-indicated).
Sign on a church:
TRUST IN GOD/HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD
SECURITY BY FRANKLIN BURGLAR ALARM, INC.
"I want you to level with me here."
"Let's start from the ground up."
"We all have our ups an downs."
"Stop pushing my buttons."
"This just floors me."
"That's just wrong on so many levels."
"Sometimes I'm empty and don't come up with anything."
I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
Mother: Oh my! What happened?
Teacher: I controlled myself.
A man with a toad on his head walks into a bar, the bartender says "is this some kinda joke?" to which the toad replies "tell me about it, it started as a mole on my ass".
What's he difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?.......The taste
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
What did the gardener say when he fell into the woodchipper?.....Not mulch
What does a snail riding on the back of a tortoise say?....WHEEEEE!
Im not a handsome man. I went to a hooker and dropped my pants.....she dropped her price
a bicycle can't stand alone, it's too tired.
a will is a dead giveaway
time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and i'll show you A-flat miner
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds
You're stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in seine
The roundest knight of the round table was sir cumference
The drunkest knight of the round table was sir osis of liver
The tastiest knight of the round table was sir loin of beef
That's all i can remember for now
The owner replies. "I'm not surprised, but I bet you've seen a cockatoo"
Doctor : Offcource not ,you dont got any arms....
I called them my "Neverweiner Knights."