#MeToo
For those going "uggh" shame on you. Even if this does not affect you, perso - bit of empathy is OK. Someone you have known shall have suffered it.
As to me, too:
- The husband of my eldest, religiously fanatic aunt was a creep: when I had climbed atop a substantial chest brought out to my grandma's yard for disposal, he shook it to make me fall off - when he knew I did not like it.
Additionally, he insisted on me explaining what "pikkutuhma" meant - I did precociously know, but it did not mean I wanted to explain it.
- Age 7 or 8, me and my best friend stopped by a parked car because the man at the wheel "wanted to know directions." He opened the door and was masturbating.
My diary read: "Oh my, how we ran! My friend (name here) remained thou to say she could not stay to tell."
- Coming to high-school, I had a "relationship" with an older family friend I perso find so wrong now. Being used by someone more experienced makes you feel very icky even if it was a matter of being delighted for having the attention then. He should like to remain in contact, I've distanced myself. He went for a high-school class-mate, I learned, so it might be assumed a pattern of behaviour.
I really wanted a friend whom wanted me whom was not ready for it, and I stopped. I still want him after all these years, but I know I did right. That man, in the same context, did not.
- I was labelled as "undersexed" in the yearbook of my purportedly elite high-school yearbook
- In Paris, I had lost my wallet and was offered a lift home after walking to "Nation" as opposed to "Reilly" from the center already. The guy assumed it was in exchange for sex, and shadowed me to my building where I did not dare to put on the light, lest he knew in which apartment I lived.
For the record: I was scared quite soon after I entered his car, and regretted for trusting people to be normal.
But also: I stopped just today to ask if a person with stranded car needed help - and my assumption was not it was a licence to rape her.
I am forty as of now, and the last incident was when I was twenty-four.
As to me, too:
- The husband of my eldest, religiously fanatic aunt was a creep: when I had climbed atop a substantial chest brought out to my grandma's yard for disposal, he shook it to make me fall off - when he knew I did not like it.
Additionally, he insisted on me explaining what "pikkutuhma" meant - I did precociously know, but it did not mean I wanted to explain it.
- Age 7 or 8, me and my best friend stopped by a parked car because the man at the wheel "wanted to know directions." He opened the door and was masturbating.
My diary read: "Oh my, how we ran! My friend (name here) remained thou to say she could not stay to tell."
- Coming to high-school, I had a "relationship" with an older family friend I perso find so wrong now. Being used by someone more experienced makes you feel very icky even if it was a matter of being delighted for having the attention then. He should like to remain in contact, I've distanced myself. He went for a high-school class-mate, I learned, so it might be assumed a pattern of behaviour.
I really wanted a friend whom wanted me whom was not ready for it, and I stopped. I still want him after all these years, but I know I did right. That man, in the same context, did not.
- I was labelled as "undersexed" in the yearbook of my purportedly elite high-school yearbook
- In Paris, I had lost my wallet and was offered a lift home after walking to "Nation" as opposed to "Reilly" from the center already. The guy assumed it was in exchange for sex, and shadowed me to my building where I did not dare to put on the light, lest he knew in which apartment I lived.
For the record: I was scared quite soon after I entered his car, and regretted for trusting people to be normal.
But also: I stopped just today to ask if a person with stranded car needed help - and my assumption was not it was a licence to rape her.
I am forty as of now, and the last incident was when I was twenty-four.
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It meant to say: imagine what followed, not that - yuuhuu, at forty, it no longer happens.
But let's admit it: only those going "uggh" imagine it ever was about "youthful sex appeal."
And men: do know I am not one to invalidate it when it happens to you. That man I so wanted would have never held it against me, except deep down - but that was never a reason. I know it feels like sheit.
But not unto what you imply as "empathy" above. The scandi-mytho trolls have it better than that.
Let's check:
- The creepy married-in law and family friend: CREEPY for sexual gratification, and not identifiable, unless you intend to dox me - and haunt THEM as oppsed to ME.
Not going to happen, right? Either way. But if it did happen, you'd love it to be me, rather than them, right?
That's unkind and sad, really.
- The unnamed - I don't really name them, because I cannot - but what they did was wrong.
The man whom I wanted, but did not do - because I respected his person above my impulses - he is super charming, but when I insisted about differences between our experiences, he said he never feared he'd be raped. I have feared it, and most of my female friends too.
Men are used and raped, and must not be, but very rarely do men fear of rape on as casual bases as women I think,
This is the difference you could want to ask. And obviously expect not to be used.
That usually stops abruptly, when I grab them right back. I have no particular inhibitions engaging in such an exchange, if a woman initiates it. In my experience though, they usually find it offensive, when men reciprocate evenly like that. Ah well. So much for gender equality, right?
*shitstorm commencing in 3... 2... 1...*
On the flip-side, at the same dorm, someone I had gone to parties with (wasn't a friend, just someone I knew) DID rape a girl I literally sat next to in Anthropology class. He went to jail for (I think) 9 years, and she either transferred or quit. Looking back as I type this, that whole building seems like a minefield of bad situations.
Also, "men having to be the initiator" is a social thing, not in any way biological.
I would say that people are sometimes quick to assume that certain actions would be interpreted as harassment or stalking and that maybe things aren't quite as restrictive as all that.
I am rather shy so I rarely make a move, but when I do, it does not involve ass grabbing as a first move, and if I am signalled there is no interest, I back off.
OK with this, Yulaw?
I think men suffer from the gender-norm that their sexuality is not supposed to be fragile, or particularly emotive, and they are flattered and up for it any time. It is obviously not true.
Women and men whom care about people know this.
But also: the casual fear of rape is probably quite rare for most men in non-precarious station of life. It is not so for women.
I also believe it is very mundane indeed to tell if someone fears, loathes or rejects you. For both men and women whom do not suffer from a social disability.
Be you subject to harassment, discrimination or bullying - redressing it is very hard while staying in the organisation.
Even in Finland, where we at least have relatively strong labour unions that thankfully can take cases to court for employees. Even so, two very competent and admirable women whom are my friends lost their jobs because of pregnancy - but thought it more prudent to take pittance than risk "bad reputation."
In this you become the "difficult one"- not the ones doing wrong. See the first response to this thread, for a micro example...
Did you have to leave the company, or was it less risky to accept the stalling of things? I once, after many a year, got forcibly moved lateral because I stood up against bullying of a regional, divisional CEO whom agreed with the CFO that my job should not have been "dotted line" but direct report.
That man also had really shady reputation on all "ills of workplace" fronts - so I tend to think it ultimately boils down to acceptance and willingness of abuse of power differential.
We are born to be empathetic as humans as babies - (Tomansello et al "Why We Cooperate" for interesting reading) - but socialised to social cohesion as we grow.
I have received and made successful and unsuccessful romantic initiations. But never went through with anything that was not wanted.
I could have gotten away with riding the desire of a person whom also was socialised to be a "man" - whom was wrong to fear for our friendship, but did - so I respected it. On a few occasions - not just once.
As said before, I have made and received initiations - of varying elegance of execution and mutual interest - but absolutely NEVER has it been unclear what is mutually wanted and what is unwanted.
If in doubt, back off - if it is for real, you can revisit it.
That next level is to see beyond the desire that can be just for the moment, or due to difference of life experience. I did not receive it always, sadly, but heck - I've given it. And this does not make me feel too bad about myself. I think it is just one of those right things to do.
Do you see what I mean, without that "ughh"?
I am happy I have been to places, walked to places, known that I am entitled to, say, ride metro in Paris, or anywhere else, and to stop to help a stranded person or be helped in that situation - without fault or favour.
It should be so.
It has not always been so, and will also not be. And it just vexes me beyond description that this is seemingly OK as a really quite the normal experience for many a person.
I am not intimidated away from anything - as of now; but mind you, I have not been raped, which I realistically know might have been. But the times I have feared it - just broken, like The Elder Eye, or BG2 Beholder lairs.
Something biting u, Balrog?
If you know the difference between acceptance and rejection, u need not be afraid. Embrace the former - at will; respect the latter - always.
Quite simple, eh? I've never perso been at a loss.
You can accept anything upon yourself, I think - except I would not wish you might encourage other persons to think it is OK to treat others ambivalently.
I think: acceptance or rejection by others is always to be respected, even in you wish to change it.
Do you understand why I do not quite like your post to this tread?
I do wish you to be well, but really: both me and my excellent friend were pursued to our flats, separately so and at different eras, so that we did not dare to put our lights on! The very idea of ebbing "acceptance" is just... wrong.