Moaes looks like an old, white dude. Go figure. Guess they don't get much of a tan wandering around in the desert for 20 years. Oh wait, I know what happened. He got sun bleached!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: " They couldn’t get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Sunday School teacher asked little Johnny, “Is there anything God can’t do?”
Johnny thought for a minute, then said, “Well, He can’t please everyone.”
Same little Johnny, after observing his first baptism-by-immersion, was seen playing with his puppy by the big mud puddle out by the barn. He picked the puppy up, held him over the water, and said, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and in the hole he goes!”
There were a bunch of priests reciting vespers together: Franciscans, Dominicans, Jesuits, and a parish priest. All of a sudden the lights went out.
The Franciscans burst into a song praising God for the darkness.
The Dominicans began debating about the theology of darkness.
The Jesuits began to argue about whether they were still bound by Church law to recite vespers.
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.
Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life’s savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn’t believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn’t work, I’ve lost all of my money!”
The Priest said, “That’s the trouble with you, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!”
A young child asked Fr. Joe what the list of names were in the back of the church. The priest told him these were the people who died in the service. The child asked, “The 8 or the 1030?”
The CCD teachers at church decided to reward the children for learning all their prayers. They fixed a table with goodies for the kids. At one end was a platter of apples. There was a sign over the apples that said, Take only one, God is watching. At the other end of the table was a platter of cookies. One of the kids made a sign for the cookies that read, " Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.”
A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied "More food." By the end of his second year he had often felt cold so when asked by the Bishop for his two words, he replied "More blankets." During his third year he came to realise that he was not really suited to a silent order, so when he came before the bishop to utter his two words he told the bishop that he had not been very happy these last three years and was leaving the order. The Bishop replied, "You may as well go, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived."
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time."
"No matter where I am - in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: 'Now, what am I here after?'"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir - You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
- The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
- You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
- The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
- There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
- For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
- You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
- The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Written by Emo Philips, who might be the best joke writer I've ever heard of.
The church elders in a small midwestern town wanted to set up a nativity scene in front of the town hall. They went to the town attorney to find out if it's legal. He told them it would be OK if they followed two rules. First, they couldn't use any town money on it. The church would have to pay for setup, maintenance and takedown. Second, if any other religious group asked to set up a holiday display, they would have to let them do it.
They debated on it for a while. There was a small synagogue in town, but they figured they could live with a menorah next to the creche. At the next town council meeting, the elders (who were also the town council, of course) approved the nativity scene and volunteers from the church went out and set it up.
As expected, the elders of the synagogue requested permission to put up a menorah, and permission was duly granted. So now the town hall had two religious displays, side by side, in harmony.
Then the neo-pagans showed up and asked to set up their holiday display. It seems everyone had forgotten about those hippies who had bought the old Wilson place at the edge of town. They quickly conferred with the town lawyer and he told them they'd have to approve it or risk being sued.
So they reluctantly gave permission and waited with great trepidation until Saturday, when the pagans arrived at the town hall and set up... A spruce tree, decorated with lights, ribbons and festive ornaments.
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.
"Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied.
"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Moses and Jesus were hanging out together in heaven, when they decided to go fishing. (If there ain't fishin' ...) After a few hours, they started talking about the old days.
Moses said, "It's been so long. I wonder if we've still got it?" Carefully standing up in the back of the boat, he stretched out his hand across the water and the waters of the lake parted, setting the boat gently down in the lake bed. He looked around a bit, watching the fish swimming by in the wall of water, then, with a self-satisfied smirk, he stretched out his hand again. The water poured back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
"That was fun," he said. "Now you try."
Jesus got up, took a deep breath to focus himself and stepped off the boat. He didn't even get a chance to take another step, he just went right under. Sputtering and coughing he climbed back in the boat with Moses' help.
"I must not have been in the correct mindset", he said, "let me try again."
He cleared his mind, said a prayer to himself, and stepped out, only to promptly sink again. This time, after struggling back into the boat, he just sat there and glared out over the water.
Suddenly, he leapt out the boat, stomped into the water with both feet and went right down once again.
This time, as Moses was helping him into the boat again, the old man suddenly exclaimed, "Aha! I see the problem. You've got holes in your feet!"
A little lad dies and ends up in heaven. As he walks towards the gates he is greeted by St. Peter.
"Hello, since you're allowed in would you like me to give you a tour before you get settled?" he asks.
The little lad nods, "Sure, that would be very kind of you."
As they walk through heaven St. Peter starts pointing things out.
"Over there we have the Muslims, over there the Jews, over there the Protestant, over there the Hindus, over there are the Anglicans and just behind them are the Buddhists."
As they continue walking they end up coming to a very big wall.
"Oh, what do you have this wall here for?" asked the little lad.
"Behind the wall we have the Catholics." St. Peter says softly.
"Why would you have the Catholics behind the wall?" asked the little lad with a raised voice.
St. Peter puts a hand on the little lads mouth and says, " Shhh! They like to think they're the only ones here."
Jesus, Mary and the Holy Spirit are planning a vacation. Jesus proposes Bethlehem. Mary "Oh no, I still remember last time, you can never find a decent hotel there. Let's go to Rome instead!"
The Holy Spirit: "Oh yes I'd like that, I've never been to Rome!"
I've been watching Jimmy Carr stand-up on YouTube lately:
"When I was a lad, I had an imaginary friend. He'd be everywhere with me. I could talk to him, tell him my troubles, and he could grant wishes!
Then I grew up and stopped going to church."
"I grew up Catholic, and I was traumatized as boy...
My priest was cheating on me."
And an oldie from Emo Phillips:
"When I was a kid, I prayed for a new bike.
Then I realized god doesn't work that way.
So I stole one and asked for forgiveness."
Comments
Random guy: "No way!"
Jesus: "Yaweh!"
What do you call something approved by the Pope? Apoperiate!
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: " They couldn’t get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
Sunday School teacher asked little Johnny, “Is there anything God can’t do?”
Johnny thought for a minute, then said, “Well, He can’t please everyone.”
Same little Johnny, after observing his first baptism-by-immersion, was seen playing with his puppy by the big mud puddle out by the barn. He picked the puppy up, held him over the water, and said, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and in the hole he goes!”
There were a bunch of priests reciting vespers together: Franciscans, Dominicans, Jesuits, and a parish priest. All of a sudden the lights went out.
The Franciscans burst into a song praising God for the darkness.
The Dominicans began debating about the theology of darkness.
The Jesuits began to argue about whether they were still bound by Church law to recite vespers.
The parish priest went and changed the lightbulb.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.
Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life’s savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn’t believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn’t work, I’ve lost all of my money!”
The Priest said, “That’s the trouble with you, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!”
A young child asked Fr. Joe what the list of names were in the back of the church. The priest told him these were the people who died in the service. The child asked, “The 8 or the 1030?”
The CCD teachers at church decided to reward the children for learning all their prayers. They fixed a table with goodies for the kids. At one end was a platter of apples. There was a sign over the apples that said, Take only one, God is watching. At the other end of the table was a platter of cookies. One of the kids made a sign for the cookies that read, " Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"
We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.
Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.
A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.”
A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied "More food."
By the end of his second year he had often felt cold so when asked by the Bishop for his two words, he replied "More blankets."
During his third year he came to realise that he was not really suited to a silent order, so when he came before the bishop to utter his two words he told the bishop that he had not been very happy these last three years and was leaving the order.
The Bishop replied, "You may as well go, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived."
The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.
I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time."
"No matter where I am - in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: 'Now, what am I here after?'"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,
"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."
Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
- You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.
- The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.
- You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.
- The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
- There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.
- For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.
- You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.
- The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.
What is the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?
A Methodist will say hi to you in a liquor store.
They debated on it for a while. There was a small synagogue in town, but they figured they could live with a menorah next to the creche. At the next town council meeting, the elders (who were also the town council, of course) approved the nativity scene and volunteers from the church went out and set it up.
As expected, the elders of the synagogue requested permission to put up a menorah, and permission was duly granted. So now the town hall had two religious displays, side by side, in harmony.
Then the neo-pagans showed up and asked to set up their holiday display. It seems everyone had forgotten about those hippies who had bought the old Wilson place at the edge of town. They quickly conferred with the town lawyer and he told them they'd have to approve it or risk being sued.
So they reluctantly gave permission and waited with great trepidation until Saturday, when the pagans arrived at the town hall and set up...
A spruce tree, decorated with lights, ribbons and festive ornaments.
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.
"Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied.
"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Moses said, "It's been so long. I wonder if we've still got it?" Carefully standing up in the back of the boat, he stretched out his hand across the water and the waters of the lake parted, setting the boat gently down in the lake bed. He looked around a bit, watching the fish swimming by in the wall of water, then, with a self-satisfied smirk, he stretched out his hand again. The water poured back, lifting the boat back to the surface.
"That was fun," he said. "Now you try."
Jesus got up, took a deep breath to focus himself and stepped off the boat. He didn't even get a chance to take another step, he just went right under. Sputtering and coughing he climbed back in the boat with Moses' help.
"I must not have been in the correct mindset", he said, "let me try again."
He cleared his mind, said a prayer to himself, and stepped out, only to promptly sink again. This time, after struggling back into the boat, he just sat there and glared out over the water.
Suddenly, he leapt out the boat, stomped into the water with both feet and went right down once again.
This time, as Moses was helping him into the boat again, the old man suddenly exclaimed, "Aha! I see the problem. You've got holes in your feet!"
"Hello, since you're allowed in would you like me to give you a tour before you get settled?" he asks.
The little lad nods, "Sure, that would be very kind of you."
As they walk through heaven St. Peter starts pointing things out.
"Over there we have the Muslims, over there the Jews, over there the Protestant, over there the Hindus, over there are the Anglicans and just behind them are the Buddhists."
As they continue walking they end up coming to a very big wall.
"Oh, what do you have this wall here for?" asked the little lad.
"Behind the wall we have the Catholics." St. Peter says softly.
"Why would you have the Catholics behind the wall?" asked the little lad with a raised voice.
St. Peter puts a hand on the little lads mouth and says, " Shhh! They like to think they're the only ones here."
The Holy Spirit: "Oh yes I'd like that, I've never been to Rome!"
http://www.thebibleisfunny.com/
"When I was a lad, I had an imaginary friend. He'd be everywhere with me. I could talk to him, tell him my troubles, and he could grant wishes!
Then I grew up and stopped going to church."
"I grew up Catholic, and I was traumatized as boy...
My priest was cheating on me."
And an oldie from Emo Phillips:
"When I was a kid, I prayed for a new bike.
Then I realized god doesn't work that way.
So I stole one and asked for forgiveness."