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Your Favorite Religious Jokes! (please read rules)

ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 8,000
edited January 8 in Off-Topic
There's been a lot of serious theological discussion on these forums lately, so I think we should have a more lighthearted religion thread! This thread will be for posting jokes related to your religion. Do you identify as theist or agnostic? We will count those too! All beliefs are welcome here with a few ground rules.

1. Post jokes only about your own religion. Memes are also welcome. We want to keep this thread in good faith (hehe) so no targeting other people. Most people on this forum wouldn't do so to intentionally harm anyway, this is just to avoid arguments due to miscommunication or misread intent.
2. This is not a debate thread. Jokes and joke discussion only please.
3. Not everyone can know the specifics of your belief system, so explaining the joke for us heathens in spoiler tags is appreciated.
4. Have fun!

Edited to fix the title.

Post edited by LadyRhian on
FinneousPJZaghoul
«1

Comments

  • RavenslightRavenslight Member Posts: 1,602
    Ha ha! Had to make a copy for my frig, @ThacoBell

    Too cute! :)

    ThacoBell
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 8,000

    Sorry


    Now that's a double whammy right there.

    FinneousPJGrammarsalad
  • voidofopinionvoidofopinion Member Posts: 1,242
    Q: Why did God create man?
    A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn...

    I'll see myself out.

    Balrog99ThacoBelltbone1Skatan
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,650
    Why did God create man?
    She was only joking. ;)

    voidofopinionBalrog99Grond0Skatan
  • FinneousPJFinneousPJ Member Posts: 6,261
    @ThacoBell I figured surgeons are so awesome even god wants to be one.

    Your Jesus one is pretty good. Supposedly he would have been an arab jew.

    ThacoBell
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,650
    Which Book in the Bible is about Coffee? He Brews
    Did you know Jesus owned a Honda? He and his disciples were in one Accord.
    And he also owned a Plymoth- He rode off in a Fury.
    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

    A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
    "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
    "Oh, my goodness! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
    "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic!"

    Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
    Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
    “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
    Johnny responded: “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

    A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
    "NO!" the children all answered.
    "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
    Again, the answer was "NO!"
    "Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
    In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

    BelgarathMTHBalrog99Grond0ThacoBell
  • ZaghoulZaghoul Member, Moderator Posts: 3,565
    What's the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

    - Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.

    Balrog99JuliusBorisovThacoBell
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,650
    How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

    image

    Balrog99StummvonBordwehrJuliusBorisovThacoBell
  • FinneousPJFinneousPJ Member Posts: 6,261
    <<Any woman I am with will always be the first coming. And I will be the second coming. That is why I am a bit like Jesus.>>

    Paraphrasing from Russell Brand's Messiah complex show

    ThacoBell
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,650
    Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"

    There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

    A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"
    God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."
    "God, how much is a million dollars?"
    "To me, it's a penny."
    "God, may I have a penny?"
    "Wait a minute."

    Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

    An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
    Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
    Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
    Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
    Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
    Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

    Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
    Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

    Last one for now...
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

    StummvonBordwehrBalrog99ThacoBell
  • O_BruceO_Bruce Member Posts: 2,715
    ThacoBell said:

    1. Post jokes only about your own religion

    ThacoBell
  • Grond0Grond0 Member Posts: 4,379
    Here's a starter selection from Dave Allen - there's plenty more if you like those.

    tbone1Balrog99ThacoBell
  • tbone1tbone1 Member Posts: 1,949
    Grond0 said:

    Here's a starter selection from Dave Allen - there's plenty more if you like those.

    Having grown up Catholic, I find find Dave Allen's jokes hilarious. in fact, my great uncle, a priest and WWII veteran, would laugh himself to tears at them.

    Grond0ThacoBell
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 8,000
    There are so many gold jokes here. Thank you all!

    Here's a Christian pickup line:

    "So, I was reading the book of Numbers lately, and I noticed yours wasn't in there."

    semiticgodStummvonBordwehrGrond0
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,650
    My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ.
    “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: 
“It starts with the letter R.”
    One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

    The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”

    Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run.
    “It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.”
    The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
    “Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”

    Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except 
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.”

    If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites
    I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God
    II. At the Beginning He Had 
Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods
    III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images?
    IV. How I Work: Read This 
Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator
    V. She Admitted to Doing 
What Every Sunday?
    VI. Seven Morning Habits of 
People Holier than You: 
#7 No Killing Before Lunch
    VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses
    VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants
    IX. This Little Girl Bore False 
Witness, and the Results Will Shock You
    X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her

    We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly.
    Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.”

    Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
    The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
    The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
    St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

    Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”
    “They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”

    ThacoBellsemiticgodStummvonBordwehrGrond0
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 8,000
    Haven't laughed this much in about a week.

  • SkatanSkatan Member, Moderator Posts: 3,800
    edited January 17
    Removed. Rules are rules and should be kept. Sorry mods, I got carried away.

    Yelp, am I on the blacklist now :P

    Post edited by Skatan on
    ThacoBellStummvonBordwehrGrond0
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