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Your Favorite Religious Jokes! (please read rules)

2

Comments

  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
    No wonder this was His last supper. Eating that many BigMacs is certainly lethal!

    FinneousPJ
  • Balrog99Balrog99 Member Posts: 5,049
    LadyRhian said:

    image

    Moaes looks like an old, white dude. Go figure. Guess they don't get much of a tan wandering around in the desert for 20 years. Oh wait, I know what happened. He got sun bleached!




    ThacoBell
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
    Jesus: "So I said, 'I'm the Son of God'"
    Random guy: "No way!"
    Jesus: "Yaweh!"


    What do you call something approved by the Pope? Apoperiate!

    Balrog99
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,694
    Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.

    Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and, sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.

    Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.

    Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

    The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life’s savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

    He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn’t believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.

    He found the man and asked, “What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn’t work, I’ve lost all of my money!”

    The Priest said, “That’s the trouble with you, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!”


    A young child asked Fr. Joe what the list of names were in the back of the church. The priest told him these were the people who died in the service. The child asked, “The 8 or the 1030?”


    The CCD teachers at church decided to reward the children for learning all their prayers. They fixed a table with goodies for the kids. At one end was a platter of apples. There was a sign over the apples that said, Take only one, God is watching. At the other end of the table was a platter of cookies. One of the kids made a sign for the cookies that read, " Take all you want. God is watching the apples!"


    We were making leaflets for a local church, and the client wanted a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, I got a call.

    Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s.


    A dog thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. They must be my gods.”

    A cat thinks: “The humans offer me food, love and shelter. I must be their god.”


    A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied "More food."
    By the end of his second year he had often felt cold so when asked by the Bishop for his two words, he replied "More blankets."
    During his third year he came to realise that he was not really suited to a silent order, so when he came before the bishop to utter his two words he told the bishop that he had not been very happy these last three years and was leaving the order.
    The Bishop replied, "You may as well go, you've done nothing but complain since you arrived."


    The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

    I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time."

    "No matter where I am - in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: 'Now, what am I here after?'"


    A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

    Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

    Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

    After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied,

    "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize."


    Top Reasons For Joining The Church Choir
    - You're running out of clean clothes and the robe saves on laundry.

    - The church is usually crowded and you want to make sure you always have a seat.

    - You've just been selected for jury duty and you want to get use to sitting with a large group of people.

    - The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

    - There's a clock in the back of the church and you want to know when one hour has passed.

    - For years you have wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

    - You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the minister/priest to catch you.

    - The chairs for the choir are padded and are the most comfortable chairs in the church.

    Grond0semiticgodStummvonBordwehrThacoBell
  • tbone1tbone1 Member Posts: 1,989
    LadyRhian said:

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

    He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

    He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

    Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

    Written by Emo Philips, who might be the best joke writer I've ever heard of.


    Grond0ThacoBell
  • tbone1tbone1 Member Posts: 1,989
    From the late Tim Wilson, who was a Baptist:

    What is the difference between a Baptist and a Methodist?

    A Methodist will say hi to you in a liquor store.

    ThacoBellZaghoul
  • Grond0Grond0 Member Posts: 5,369

    A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.

    "Who are you?" the burglar asks. "Moses," the bird replied.

    "Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed. "I dunno," Moses answered, "I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

    ThacoBellBalrog99BelgarathMTHZaghoul
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
    @FinneousPJ I haven't seen that one is a long time. Thank you for reminding me of its existence.

  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
    I alllllllmost got offended. Then I couldn't hold back a snicker at the end. Good one!

    Grond0BelgarathMTH
  • TakisMegasTakisMegas Member Posts: 781
    edited March 27
    A little lad dies and ends up in heaven. As he walks towards the gates he is greeted by St. Peter.
    "Hello, since you're allowed in would you like me to give you a tour before you get settled?" he asks.

    The little lad nods, "Sure, that would be very kind of you."

    As they walk through heaven St. Peter starts pointing things out.

    "Over there we have the Muslims, over there the Jews, over there the Protestant, over there the Hindus, over there are the Anglicans and just behind them are the Buddhists."

    As they continue walking they end up coming to a very big wall.

    "Oh, what do you have this wall here for?" asked the little lad.

    "Behind the wall we have the Catholics." St. Peter says softly.

    "Why would you have the Catholics behind the wall?" asked the little lad with a raised voice.

    St. Peter puts a hand on the little lads mouth and says, " Shhh! They like to think they're the only ones here."

    Post edited by TakisMegas on
    StummvonBordwehrBalrog99BelgarathMTHArvia
  • ArviaArvia Member Posts: 889
    @ThacoBell, I like the concept of this last joke, Bible quotes with side notes... would you mind sharing your source, or was that the only example?

    ThacoBell
  • ArviaArvia Member Posts: 889
    @FinneousPJ, thank you. I didn't recognize the stripes on the sheep as letters (phone screen)

    FinneousPJ
  • ThacoBellThacoBell Member Posts: 9,580
    Yeah, my wife found it randomely and I asked her to send it my way. I didn't know where it came from either.

    Arvia
  • BillyYankBillyYank Member Posts: 2,741
    I've been watching Jimmy Carr stand-up on YouTube lately:

    "When I was a lad, I had an imaginary friend. He'd be everywhere with me. I could talk to him, tell him my troubles, and he could grant wishes!
    Then I grew up and stopped going to church."

    "I grew up Catholic, and I was traumatized as boy...
    My priest was cheating on me."


    And an oldie from Emo Phillips:

    "When I was a kid, I prayed for a new bike.
    Then I realized god doesn't work that way.
    So I stole one and asked for forgiveness."

    BelgarathMTHBalrog99semiticgod
  • semiticgodsemiticgod Member, Moderator Posts: 13,668
    I like the joke, but still... Jesus Christ, that second one is just brutal.

    BelgarathMTHBalrog99Arvia
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