Tell a joke thread. Baldur's Gate, Icewind Dale and D&D related jokes
JuliusBorisov
Member, Administrator, Moderator, Developer Posts: 22,752
An idea of this thread has come into my mind recently.
So, let's go!
1. - Did you hear my friend John has been fired?
- Yep, I've just heard it. Apparently he's failed a save, or something.
2. - What is the most useless thing in the world?
- The ring of infravision.
3. [spoiler=because of the size]
(from http://www.ironworksforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2043):
There are three Flaming Fist Mercenaries on horseback out in the river bottoms. As they are riding along a small wounded gibberling runs out in front of them. It stops and turns their way.
The poor gibberling was mortally wounded (slash through the midsection by a long sword +1).
This was no oridinary gibberling, it spoke Common. The three FF mercenaries were astonished and dumbfounded when they heard this.
The gibberling said, "If you help me, I will grant you three wishes, or if you kill me a great death will come upon you."
The FF mercenaries decided to take the lawful way, and help out the poor monster. They took it to the local healer (Temple of Helm) and he gladly helped out anything in need.
After it was all cleaned up it was about to leave. Than it turned to the FF mercenaries and said, "about the three wishes, you must split them up between you; only 1 wish apiece."
The FF mercenaries were not happy; they thought they were getting 3 wishes apiece. The mercenaries were all different in one way. One of them was very fat, the other was a tall and skinny man, and the last was small and fat.
The gibberling then said, "I can see that you are not happy with my decision, but I will give you two days to decide." Once you have decided I will be waiting here for you," said the gibberling.
The mercenaries left and talked on their way back to their houses. "I dont think that is fair, we cared for that little beast and this is how it repays us," said the fat one. "Yea, I say we get the wishes and then we kill it for sport," said the tall one. The small and plump one was happy unlike the others, because he was a poor halfling with a bad house and job (being a FF mercenary must suck).
As they split up to go their seperate ways they waved good-bye. The tall one went to the left, fat one the middle, and halfling the right.
The next morning the local town crier was distributing the newspaper called the Elven Classic. The fat and halfling mercenaries met in the town square where he was. They asked for a newspaper to check out teh local problems. There on the front page, read in large letters "FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED"
At the site of this, the fat and halfling mercenaries started to panick. They went to their friends house.. and to their suprise there were many guards out in front. They went up and asked one of them what had happened here. He said that the FF mercenary inside was murdered during the night. They said his head was shoved though a wall with slash marks over his body. The FF mercenaries were scared out of their wits that they ran all the way back to the town square.
By this time it was turning darker, and the sky turned a deeper blue. "I better get home soon, incase my wife needs me," said the fat one. The halfling split up and went his own way to his house. As he entered the door he locked it and checked all the windows. He got in bed with his sword and shield by his side. He got up in the morning to find his body was still intact. He went outside with his armor on. He then went to the town square to meet his friend.
Today was the day he would get his wish he thought as he headed to meet his friend. He arrived and did not find his friend inside the town square. There the town crier was selling more newspapers. The halfling bought one and AGAIN on the front read "ANOTHER FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED".
The little halfling was shocked and at this he ran over to his friends house. There in front were some more guards. He couldn't believe that his only friends had been murdered by some beast. He than thought of the Temple of Helm and his wish. He ran over there as fast as he could. There just as he said so the gibberling had waited for them.
"Where have you been, its late in the day and I must get going," said the gibberling. "Sorry to be late, but my friends were murdered in the night," said the Halfling. "Sorry to hear that *snicker* *snicker* I hope you are ready for your THREE wishes now that your friends are gone," replied the gibberling. "Really!? I get three wishes now! Cool!," said the halfling.
At that the halfling used up two of his wishes, one on a new house and the other on the strongest shield and sword in the land. On his last wish he thought very hard, and decided to bring his friends back from the dead. At these last words the gibberling casted the spell/wish and his friends appeared in front of him. Just as he did this the gibberling said his good-byes.
He ran off down the ridge and over the hill out of sight. The halfling asked his friends if they were feeling ok. They replied in unison,"We are fine, but we still remember what killed us. In the faint shadows we could see that it was a small beast the size of a gibbe...OH MY GOD! YOU LET THE BEAST GO!!!."
At those words, they glanced the way that the gibberling had ran. "Do you think the wound that that gibberling had was from a sword of an unhappy customer?" said the Halfling. "We shall never speak of this again," they all said together. Was it the gibberling who had done the carnage? Or was it another monster still lurkering in the city limits?
[/spoiler]
BTW, once upon a time, there was a similar thread here: http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/16145/share-your-baldurs-gate-d-d-jokes
So, let's go!
1. - Did you hear my friend John has been fired?
- Yep, I've just heard it. Apparently he's failed a save, or something.
2. - What is the most useless thing in the world?
- The ring of infravision.
3. [spoiler=because of the size]
(from http://www.ironworksforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2043):
There are three Flaming Fist Mercenaries on horseback out in the river bottoms. As they are riding along a small wounded gibberling runs out in front of them. It stops and turns their way.
The poor gibberling was mortally wounded (slash through the midsection by a long sword +1).
This was no oridinary gibberling, it spoke Common. The three FF mercenaries were astonished and dumbfounded when they heard this.
The gibberling said, "If you help me, I will grant you three wishes, or if you kill me a great death will come upon you."
The FF mercenaries decided to take the lawful way, and help out the poor monster. They took it to the local healer (Temple of Helm) and he gladly helped out anything in need.
After it was all cleaned up it was about to leave. Than it turned to the FF mercenaries and said, "about the three wishes, you must split them up between you; only 1 wish apiece."
The FF mercenaries were not happy; they thought they were getting 3 wishes apiece. The mercenaries were all different in one way. One of them was very fat, the other was a tall and skinny man, and the last was small and fat.
The gibberling then said, "I can see that you are not happy with my decision, but I will give you two days to decide." Once you have decided I will be waiting here for you," said the gibberling.
The mercenaries left and talked on their way back to their houses. "I dont think that is fair, we cared for that little beast and this is how it repays us," said the fat one. "Yea, I say we get the wishes and then we kill it for sport," said the tall one. The small and plump one was happy unlike the others, because he was a poor halfling with a bad house and job (being a FF mercenary must suck).
As they split up to go their seperate ways they waved good-bye. The tall one went to the left, fat one the middle, and halfling the right.
The next morning the local town crier was distributing the newspaper called the Elven Classic. The fat and halfling mercenaries met in the town square where he was. They asked for a newspaper to check out teh local problems. There on the front page, read in large letters "FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED"
At the site of this, the fat and halfling mercenaries started to panick. They went to their friends house.. and to their suprise there were many guards out in front. They went up and asked one of them what had happened here. He said that the FF mercenary inside was murdered during the night. They said his head was shoved though a wall with slash marks over his body. The FF mercenaries were scared out of their wits that they ran all the way back to the town square.
By this time it was turning darker, and the sky turned a deeper blue. "I better get home soon, incase my wife needs me," said the fat one. The halfling split up and went his own way to his house. As he entered the door he locked it and checked all the windows. He got in bed with his sword and shield by his side. He got up in the morning to find his body was still intact. He went outside with his armor on. He then went to the town square to meet his friend.
Today was the day he would get his wish he thought as he headed to meet his friend. He arrived and did not find his friend inside the town square. There the town crier was selling more newspapers. The halfling bought one and AGAIN on the front read "ANOTHER FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED".
The little halfling was shocked and at this he ran over to his friends house. There in front were some more guards. He couldn't believe that his only friends had been murdered by some beast. He than thought of the Temple of Helm and his wish. He ran over there as fast as he could. There just as he said so the gibberling had waited for them.
"Where have you been, its late in the day and I must get going," said the gibberling. "Sorry to be late, but my friends were murdered in the night," said the Halfling. "Sorry to hear that *snicker* *snicker* I hope you are ready for your THREE wishes now that your friends are gone," replied the gibberling. "Really!? I get three wishes now! Cool!," said the halfling.
At that the halfling used up two of his wishes, one on a new house and the other on the strongest shield and sword in the land. On his last wish he thought very hard, and decided to bring his friends back from the dead. At these last words the gibberling casted the spell/wish and his friends appeared in front of him. Just as he did this the gibberling said his good-byes.
He ran off down the ridge and over the hill out of sight. The halfling asked his friends if they were feeling ok. They replied in unison,"We are fine, but we still remember what killed us. In the faint shadows we could see that it was a small beast the size of a gibbe...OH MY GOD! YOU LET THE BEAST GO!!!."
At those words, they glanced the way that the gibberling had ran. "Do you think the wound that that gibberling had was from a sword of an unhappy customer?" said the Halfling. "We shall never speak of this again," they all said together. Was it the gibberling who had done the carnage? Or was it another monster still lurkering in the city limits?
[/spoiler]
BTW, once upon a time, there was a similar thread here: http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/16145/share-your-baldurs-gate-d-d-jokes
9
Comments
A-Their HiPS.
Q - What is the most powerful class in the entire game, and the most useless at the same time?
A - A sorcerer with no spells left to cast.
- *cluck*
Q - Who is the most amazing, fabulous, sexy, intelligent and witty woman in the Baldur's Gate series?
A - Edwina
Who's there?
Dynaheir.
Dynaheir who?
Dynaheir who my way to a Michael Jackson concert!
(sound it out xD)
or if that one doesn't go down as well as a flagon of Firewine...
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Khalid.
What does an AD&D warrior say after receiving a gift?
THAC0 very much!
The first adventurer was a paladin who used Int as a dump stat. When he was dragged to it, he yelled out: "I am a paladin of the great Torm! I do not fear death! Put me face up so I can see my death approach." The goblins put the paladin in, pulled the lever, the blade came whoosing down...and then it stopped, inches from the paladin's neck. The goblin chieftain called out: "Our god has spared him. Let him go!"
The second adventurer was a min-maxed barbarian, who used Cha as a dump stat. When he was dragged to the guillotine, he spent the entire time cursing his captors with the most foul abuse one could imagine. The goblin chieftain ordered him to be put in face up, so he would have to see his death coming. The goblins pulled the lever, the blade came whoosing down...and then it stopped, inches from the paladin's neck. The goblin chieftain called out: "Our god has spared him. Let him go!"
The third adventurer was a min-maxed bounty hunter, who used Wisdom as a dump stat. When he was dragged to the guillotine, he looked at it with the eyes of a professional. "I wonder how that works, he said. Put me in face up, so I can examine it more closely." The goblins pulled the lever, the blade came whoosing down...and then it stopped, inches from the bounty hunter's neck. The goblin chieftain called out: "Our god has-"
Before the chieftain could finish, the bounty hunter interrupted him. "Wait a minute!" He called out. "I think I see the problem."
For us the goblins and the orcs are 60 XP and 150 XP accordingly.
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
PAUSED
UNPAUSED
How do you notice you've been doing inventory management on a Multiplayer run?
Kagain- Waiting around ain't gonna make us an money.
Viconia- Drow are never this idle with their time.
Tiax- We get no closer to world domination just standing about!
Shar-Teel- This is such a waste of time, or should I say men are such a waste of time.
*quickload*
A fighter, a mage, a Priest of Lathander and a jester enters a bar. The jester fails his pick pocket attempt o---
*quickload*
Everybody else takes 2d6 damage.
-He's the one with eyepatches over both eyes.
-Did you hear about the Orc Magician? He could swallow a sword, but he could only do it once.
Anyway, more jokes:
- How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick?
- Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick.
- What does beauty and disintegrate rays have in common?
-
they are both in the eye of the beholder!
Who's there?
Montaron
Montaron who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Montaron
Montaron who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Montaron
Montaron who?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Xzar
Xzar who?
Xzar you glad I didn't say Montaron?
------------------------------------
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Kagain?
Kagain who?
Don't make me knock Kagain. Just open the door!
I've decided that today is a good day to renew this thread (inspired by @Buttercheese 's posts on the activity page). So, further jokes:
-How do you know if there's a Paladin in the party?
-Trust me, you'll know.
My dwarf has a drinking problem. He stopped drinking...
Never multi-class as a bard and a barbarian, or else you become a bardbarian.
All it's attacks are in vein.
Because they want to make themselves feel better for being so pun-y.
The bartender responds "sorry, we don't let your kind in here."
A dead one.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"I'm sure I have no idea, hmmmmm. O, Melicamp, what a strange question to ask at a time like this...
Longsword: You know, sometimes you can be a real bastard.