An elf is walking through the woods when she stumbles onto a camp of goblins.
Quickly she is surrounded by them, and falls to her knees in prayer: "Corellon, I'm totally screwed!"
A beam of light comes from the heavens, and a voice intones: "No, my child, you are not totally screwed. Take thee the rock at your knees, and strike thou at the chieftain before you."
The elf picks up the rock and in one blow, smashes the skull of the goblin chieftain before his astonished tribe.
The voice from above speaks again: "There, now you are totally screwed."
*Corellon is the leader of the elven pantheon, and the god of Magic, Music, Arts, Crafts, Poetry, and Warfare.
An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks. "8 gold." replies the merchant. "Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?" "Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?" "600 platinum," says the merchant. "600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!" To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
A question from a public opinion survey in Beregost:
Cave bears are: A. Magnificent predators and an important part of the Sword Coast's ecosystem. B. Terrible beasts that kill travelers and livestock. C. 650 xp.
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace, the Destroyer of Cormyr, the Raider of Waterdeep, the Ruler of the Dales, the Thorn to the Gods, and the Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
A dwarf is heading home after months of fighting orcs. On his way back he is riding on a barge heading down river. It is packed and there is nowhere to sit. Exhausted, he walks up and down looking for a seat. Eventually he sees an elven lass with a little dog on the seat next to her, looking out the port side window.
"Lass, I just got back from the front and would like to rest me feet. Mind ye move he dog?"
The elf looked at the dwarf in disgust. "Are you dwarfs blind? Can't you see Lord Aldraste III is sitting here?" She pointed at the dog while glaring at the dwarf.
The dwarf took a deep breath, telling himself that killing her would cause more trouble than it was worth. So he trudged away looking for a seat. An hour later he found himself back in front of the elf.
"Elfling! Move he dog! I've earned the right to rest me legs!"
The elf glared at him and said "are you dwarfs stupid too? I told you that Lord-"
She never finished her sentence, as the dwarf grabbed the dog and threw it out the window.
There was a splash and the elf started screaming. Admist the ruckus and elderly gnome sitting nearby out down his book and turned to the dwarf.
"Can't you dwarfs do anything right?! You wear your beards wrong, eat with the wrong cutlery...and you threw the wrong b!tch out the window!"
Minsc is made leader of a party of Clerics. "Magic is impressive, but now MINSC leads! Swords for ... uhh ... Boo wants to know whether any of you would like to borrow my mace?"
Minsc is made leader of a party of Thieves. "Full pl ... umm ... studded leather and packing steal!"
An elven warrior walks into a bar and tells the barkeep "I need something to drown my sorrows." The barkeep gives him a drink and asks him "What's wrong?". "I am frustrated." the warrior replies. "I have gone to every store in town and asked where I can get my hands on a long bow. All of them said that there I should go to the tower just outside of town." The barkeep then asks "Aye? Did ya go there then?" The warrior replies "I did. When I went in the tower a beautiful mage girl greeted me. I asked her 'Miss, is there a long bow here I could get my hands on?'" "So what happened next?" askes the barkeep. The warrior says "She suddenly became irate and slapped me with a magical hand! I have no idea what I said to make her so upset." The barkeep chuckles and says "You must be from out of town fella!" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the warrior. "Everyone here speaks IE scripting language" the barkeep replies. "You just asked that mage if you could feel her up!"
Heheh. Good joke right? I bet most of you don't get it...
Now to explain the above joke. Hmm, where to start...
Basically, definitions of various things that the Infinity Engine scripts use are stored and controlled by .ids files. These files contain a series of numbers and sometimes alphanumeric codes (that's fancy talk for mixing your numbers with letters). The numbers are used to define various textual codes that can be used in script. The textual codes can be defined as all sorts of things and are broken up into various .ids files by what category of thing they are. There are .ids files containing all sorts of defined actions that the scripts can do, and there are .ids files for the various item and character classes in the game.
Now one .ids file in particular is of interest to us for my joke, and that is Class.ids. Class.ids contains definitions for every base class for both players and monsters in the game (not kits though). There is only one oddity in this file and that is the crux of my joke. The number which has the basic meaning of "any type of mage class" is listed twice and both listings have a different textual code. Why this is, I do not know. What this means, however, is that both off these textual codes will tell the game to look for "any type of mage class" when they are used in a script. These two textual codes which have the same meaning are as follows:
MAGE_All LONG_BOW
An example of how this is used in an actual game script is in the dialog with Barad Ding, the infamous cat man in Neera's wild mage camp. If your Charname is a mage of any type, Barad Ding will offer you one of his cats to keep with you. So the trigger script for this offer appearing is as follows:
Class(Player1,LONG_BOW)
This tells the game to look at the class of player1 (aka charname) and see if Player1's class is LONG_BOW (which, as we now know, means "Any type of mage class").
By now you should get my joke. Basically I am telling the tale of an adventurer from out of town who doesn't know the language of the town and is unknowingly asking its residents for a mage to put his hands on while he thinks he is asking for a long bow. Basically the whole joke revolves around the one oddity in that one .ids file.
Most of the beetles in Dragon's Eye have the power to spew acid, and that's awesome. But there are other beetles that don't have such a cool ability. There is really nothing special about those beetles; they're just boring.
At the end of Charname's adventures, Minsc finds himself unemployed. So he applies for a local middle management job in an office. After job searching, he is contacted for an interview.
He meets for the interview. After shaking hands, the manager starts asking interview questions.
Manager: "So tell me about yourself."
Minsc: "I have been seen by the best and by the worst, and all have learned that Minsc is Minsc is Minsc. I do good for those that need them, why is there a problem?"
Manager: "Huh...ok...so, uh... tell me, what interests you about this job?"
Minsc: "Minsc likes noble causes. They are good for kicking evil's butt!"
Manager: "Right... well, great to know you think our cause is...noble. Um...So, why did you leave your last job?"
Minsc: "I grew tired of shouting battle cries when fighting that mage. Boo finished his eyeballs once and for all, so he did not rise again! Evil met my sword! SWORD MET EVIL!"
Manager: "Whoah, whoah...hehe *pages security on the clairaudience* uh... next question... Why would you excel at this job?"
Minsc: "You point, I punch."
Manager: "Right... c'mon, guys... So, what would you do in your first 90 days in this position?"
Minsc: "Butt-kicking! For goodness!
Manager: "Now just calm down there, Mr. Minsc... uh, big fella. What's most important to you in a new position?"
MInsc: "Camaraderie, adventure, and steel on steel. The stuff of legend! Right, Boo? *squeak*"
Manager: Oh my... is that a...? Nevermind, last question. What salary are... Finally! What took you guys so long? Um, erm, anyways, uh Mr. Minsc... I am afraid that a man of your many unique abilities is, uh... overqualified for this position... I am afraid that we are not interested in hiring you at this present time."
Minsc: "Reconsider! I will rage as never before, and those in my path will fall left, right, and 'round the back!"
Manager: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down and control your anger..."
Minsc: "My anger is under complete control! Complete! I will control it as I rip limb from limb, I will control it as I pound head after head, I will control..."
Manager: "Sir, please, sir... I am going to have to ask you to leave now. I do, however, invite you to re-apply at some point in the...distant...future--after you have gained some more experience in the field."
Minsc: "Then I will quest on my own, and we shall meet again when I am worthy of serving in the company of good and true people! Come, Boo, we must go! What? Yes, of course. My hamster says he will miss you. Such loyalty you inspire, even in rodents. Be proud, even as Minsc is."
A group of four players form a party for a new campaign. Player one creates a paladin, to provide buffs and give the party a meatshield. Player two decides on a rogue, to serve as the party's dedicated trapfinder and lockpicker. Player three wanted to be a ranger, to help the party track enemies. Player four chose a wizard, to wipe out their enemies with arcane might.
Upon taking heavy injuries during their first combat and having no way to heal, the party realized they had made a clerical error.
Comments
Quickly she is surrounded by them, and falls to her knees in prayer: "Corellon, I'm totally screwed!"
A beam of light comes from the heavens, and a voice intones: "No, my child, you are not totally screwed. Take thee the rock at your knees, and strike thou at the chieftain before you."
The elf picks up the rock and in one blow, smashes the skull of the goblin chieftain before his astonished tribe.
The voice from above speaks again: "There, now you are totally screwed."
*Corellon is the leader of the elven pantheon, and the god of Magic, Music, Arts, Crafts, Poetry, and Warfare.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
It was a nice jester...
*Bud-dum-tish*
Hahaha!
*wipes tear of laughter from eye*
...
No...
Tough crowd...
*Anduin slumps off stage*
Cave bears are:
A. Magnificent predators and an important part of the Sword Coast's ecosystem.
B. Terrible beasts that kill travelers and livestock.
C. 650 xp.
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace, the Destroyer of Cormyr, the Raider of Waterdeep, the Ruler of the Dales, the Thorn to the Gods, and the Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
"Lass, I just got back from the front and would like to rest me feet. Mind ye move he dog?"
The elf looked at the dwarf in disgust. "Are you dwarfs blind? Can't you see Lord Aldraste III is sitting here?" She pointed at the dog while glaring at the dwarf.
The dwarf took a deep breath, telling himself that killing her would cause more trouble than it was worth. So he trudged away looking for a seat. An hour later he found himself back in front of the elf.
"Elfling! Move he dog! I've earned the right to rest me legs!"
The elf glared at him and said "are you dwarfs stupid too? I told you that Lord-"
She never finished her sentence, as the dwarf grabbed the dog and threw it out the window.
There was a splash and the elf started screaming. Admist the ruckus and elderly gnome sitting nearby out down his book and turned to the dwarf.
"Can't you dwarfs do anything right?! You wear your beards wrong, eat with the wrong cutlery...and you threw the wrong b!tch out the window!"
They have wight of way.
Minsc is made leader of a party of Thieves. "Full pl ... umm ... studded leather and packing steal!"
Heheh. Good joke right? I bet most of you don't get it...
Basically, definitions of various things that the Infinity Engine scripts use are stored and controlled by .ids files. These files contain a series of numbers and sometimes alphanumeric codes (that's fancy talk for mixing your numbers with letters). The numbers are used to define various textual codes that can be used in script. The textual codes can be defined as all sorts of things and are broken up into various .ids files by what category of thing they are. There are .ids files containing all sorts of defined actions that the scripts can do, and there are .ids files for the various item and character classes in the game.
Now one .ids file in particular is of interest to us for my joke, and that is Class.ids. Class.ids contains definitions for every base class for both players and monsters in the game (not kits though). There is only one oddity in this file and that is the crux of my joke. The number which has the basic meaning of "any type of mage class" is listed twice and both listings have a different textual code. Why this is, I do not know. What this means, however, is that both off these textual codes will tell the game to look for "any type of mage class" when they are used in a script. These two textual codes which have the same meaning are as follows:
MAGE_All
LONG_BOW
An example of how this is used in an actual game script is in the dialog with Barad Ding, the infamous cat man in Neera's wild mage camp. If your Charname is a mage of any type, Barad Ding will offer you one of his cats to keep with you. So the trigger script for this offer appearing is as follows:
Class(Player1,LONG_BOW)
This tells the game to look at the class of player1 (aka charname) and see if Player1's class is LONG_BOW (which, as we now know, means "Any type of mage class").
By now you should get my joke. Basically I am telling the tale of an adventurer from out of town who doesn't know the language of the town and is unknowingly asking its residents for a mage to put his hands on while he thinks he is asking for a long bow. Basically the whole joke revolves around the one oddity in that one .ids file.
When you ask a true gamer for his/hers birth date, you'll be stand corrected. It's actually his/hers release date .
Stayin' alive
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya thief! Spit it out!"
He meets for the interview. After shaking hands, the manager starts asking interview questions.
Manager: "So tell me about yourself."
Minsc: "I have been seen by the best and by the worst, and all have learned that Minsc is Minsc is Minsc. I do good for those that need them, why is there a problem?"
Manager: "Huh...ok...so, uh... tell me, what interests you about this job?"
Minsc: "Minsc likes noble causes. They are good for kicking evil's butt!"
Manager: "Right... well, great to know you think our cause is...noble. Um...So, why did you leave your last job?"
Minsc: "I grew tired of shouting battle cries when fighting that mage. Boo finished his eyeballs once and for all, so he did not rise again! Evil met my sword! SWORD MET EVIL!"
Manager: "Whoah, whoah...hehe *pages security on the clairaudience* uh... next question... Why would you excel at this job?"
Minsc: "You point, I punch."
Manager: "Right... c'mon, guys... So, what would you do in your first 90 days in this position?"
Minsc: "Butt-kicking! For goodness!
Manager: "Now just calm down there, Mr. Minsc... uh, big fella. What's most important to you in a new position?"
MInsc: "Camaraderie, adventure, and steel on steel. The stuff of legend! Right, Boo? *squeak*"
Manager: Oh my... is that a...? Nevermind, last question. What salary are... Finally! What took you guys so long? Um, erm, anyways, uh Mr. Minsc... I am afraid that a man of your many unique abilities is, uh... overqualified for this position... I am afraid that we are not interested in hiring you at this present time."
Minsc: "Reconsider! I will rage as never before, and those in my path will fall left, right, and 'round the back!"
Manager: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down and control your anger..."
Minsc: "My anger is under complete control! Complete! I will control it as I rip limb from limb, I will control it as I pound head after head, I will control..."
Manager: "Sir, please, sir... I am going to have to ask you to leave now. I do, however, invite you to re-apply at some point in the...distant...future--after you have gained some more experience in the field."
Minsc: "Then I will quest on my own, and we shall meet again when I am worthy of serving in the company of good and true people! Come, Boo, we must go! What? Yes, of course. My hamster says he will miss you. Such loyalty you inspire, even in rodents. Be proud, even as Minsc is."
Upon taking heavy injuries during their first combat and having no way to heal, the party realized they had made a clerical error.
a virgin.
Here is the full thread http://yourdndstories.tumblr.com/