If BG were a game of DnD...

Necomancer

How do you think it would be different? A few things come to mind, for one thing one moment Aerie is sobbing about her lost limbs, the next moment hey, you just found a scroll of flight. All problems solved forever.

For another thing I was just in that area where you need to put a beholder eye in a pot of red liquid then activate a machine. This is easy to figure out because the beholder dies there and you have an eye and hey, its those circle arrow thingies that mean do stuff.

Imagine trying to figure this out in a normal DnD game.

I imagine my players will have tried to tunnel out eventually.

another problem is doors that require locks. I imagine it would go like this.

DM:You fail to open the lock.
Thief:What?! I invested all my thief skills into open locks! I TOOK A POTION OF MASTER THIEVERY! I have enchantments up the wazoo to increase my lock opening skills and its still stuck?!
DM:...Er...Yes.
Thief:...How long would it take us to break the door down?
DM:Er. The door is solid metal-
Thief:You said it was wood.
DM:Fine! Wood! But its going take far too long to break down.
Thief:Bullshit. Wizard? Get your fireballs ready.
DM:Its enchanted against magic!
Thief:Luckaly we have a barbarian.
DM:It will take several days to chop through!
Thief:Well, we're waiting then.
DM:...Just go get the sewer golem activation stone already!

Rewolf

DM: You approach the city of Baldur's Gate. Once you get to the gates which mark the draw bridges to the city your path is blocked by the City Guards. They tell you that as long as the bandit raids keep going on and the iron from the Naskhel Mines stays brickle they won't let anyone in the City.
Player 1 (Fighter): Bullocks! They can't deny us access, I'll brawl them into submission!
Player 2 (Thief): I'll pickpocket them for the keys...
DM: You fail the pickpocket...you're lucky that I didn't roll for noticing you. They got at least a dozen more guards in the towers and the 'gate' isn't a simple key door, but a drawbridge and such...
Player 3 (Mage): Allright, we'll leave!
DM: Good, where are you going?
Player 3: We'll wait in the bushes outside the city until the night falls and see if we can sneak in then!
DM: *sigh* How are you planning to get past by the heavily fortified defenses now then?
Player 1: We'll swim across the moat! Screw the guards!
DM: The current is too strong, you would get swept away and drown.
Player 2: I bind some rope to my arrows, shoot them across the moat and then we'll climb across it!
DM: *annoyed* Your ropes aren't even long enough to get halfway
Player 3: I'll cast Tenser's Floating Disk and we'll fly across!
DM: *agitated* The guards on the wall will see you and just shoot you to oblivion!
Player 1: We'll cut some trees and make a raft...
DM: *sigh again* Fine, you make a raft and get on it, 'trying' to cross the moat...Your raft flips over, you can't swim against the current and you all drown. You're dead, game over.
Players: Hmmm, maybe we should try Charm Person on the guard next time..

booinyoureyes

I think it would go down like this:
Player 1 "I don't trust this Gaelyn Bale guy... he seems too friendly"
Player 2 "I agree, he knows too much about us"
DM: "No, c'mon guys he looks reaaaaaallllyyy trustworthy"
Player 1 "Nah I just don't see it. No one who who talks like that can be up to anything good"
Player 2 "Yeah, he just approached us in the middle of the street and started telling us about ourselves and Imoen"
Player 1 "For realz, cree-py!"
DM "but... but... the story"
Player 2 "Copper Coronet, huh? Wanna check it out?"
Player 1 "Sure"
DM "...I frikkin hate you guys"

booinyoureyes

DM: “Ah the Child of Bhaal has awoken. It is time f-“
Player 1 “Wait, what is that?”
DM: “What? What’s wrong?”
Player 2: “Why are you talking in that stupid voice?”
DM: “The module said that if I use an accent it would add flavor”
Player 1: “Dude, you sound like an idiot. Stop that”
Player 2: “Yeah, what, you think you’re, like, David Warner or something?”
DM: “Okay, fine. You escape to see a Russian-sounding ranger locked behind bars with his hamster animal companion”
Player 1: “… really, man?”
DM: “What, you think you can do a better job? You think you can be a better DM?”
Player 2: “Maybe”
DM: “Ok, that’s it. We’re playing video games.”

Necomancer

Its a well known fact by DMs everywhere that a player's job is to ruin our plans, @Rewolf just demonstrated why perfectly. Make your game about Badlur's Gate? Where do you think they'll want to go first? That being said if you're lucky you can figure out a way to roll with this and still keep the game on track. Sometimes it even works out for the better.

Rewolf

I like where this thread is going... we should make a webcomic series out of this like DM of the Rings

Necomancer

Rewolf said:

I like where this thread is going... we should make a webcomic series out of this like DM of the Rings

If we do this Imoen should be played by the DM's sister.

Rewolf

DM: You approach a big dome in the middle of the forest. Standing at the entrance you can't see inside it, but you can hear someone muttering and you think you can hear something chittering.
Player 2 (Thief): We cautiously enter.
DM: Arriving inside you notice that the floor you are standing on is a gigantic web, covering the whole floor of dome. In the middle you notice someone, or better said something that was supposed to be human once. Now, all that is left of 'it' is a big blob of flesh and fat looking at you with greedy and hungry eyes. But that aren't the only pair of eyes looking at you. Around the Humanoid you can see multiple eyes flickering and glinstering at you.
'Welcome to my home, humble adventurers! Me and my children have waited on our next....guests. Come and play with us please.'
At his signal several Giant Spiders appear in front of you as well as Ettercaps ready to play.
Player 3 (Mage):.................
Player 2 (Thief): You have been watching those Japanese Horror movies again, haven't you?
DM: *innocent claiming* No! They're adult cartoons, called anime!
Player 1 (Fighter): Fuck this, I'm out

Tarlugn

DM: You ´re about to leave Candlekeep with your mentor and foster father, Gorion. What do you do.
Player: Please stop, father! You don ´t look so well today, perhaps we should make our trip a bit easier by either lending a boat from Ulraunt the Overseer, or a magic carriage from Tethoril? If we do so, you gain regain your strength, recuperate from your stress, and hey, we could travel all the way to either Athkatla in the south Amn, or Baldur´s Gate! Just think about that!
DM/Gorion! Oh, my son, I´m glad I´ve found you! A big boat, full of Watcher Recruitees, is leaving shortly, so make haste child! We will travel by water to Athkatla, a veritable paradise for those with coin.
Player:Great! Let´s go!

Insert cutscene: an armored figure with a few peers walks around the forest at night, puzzled by the lack of Gorion and his Ward of making an apperance. After a short while, Sarevok and his band fades to distance...

DM: The dawn is especially cruel this morning - you are having a hard time of getting accustomed to sailor´s life...

Necomancer

DM:You come across an ogre screaming ab-
Bard:I moon the ogre!
Fighter:Goddammit, no chaotic random bards! We've been over this!
DM:The ogre hits you in the butt and you die.
Bard:Man, this game sucks.
Paladin:I shall try and reason with the ogre!
DM:The ogre that just killed your friend, the bard?
Paladin:HAIL MIGHTY OGRE! We come from the friendly arm's in-
DM:The ogre attacks you. What do you do?
Paladin:Please friend! We must discuss wor-
Fighter:Oh for-I attack the ogre. *Rolls* Crit!
DM:The ogre dies and leaves behind two magical belts of unkown origin.
Wizard:I put both on.
DM:You can't do that.
Wizard:Fuck that I put both on.
DM:...You know what? One's cursed. You're a woman now.
Wizard:Wait, I got tits? Sweet. I'm like, a total D-cup at least.
Bard:What? You only got 8 charisma. You can't possibly be a D-cup
DM:Cup size is not based on charisma.
Fighter:Can I go to the mines without them?
DM:Please.

Aristillius

Yeey, more!

Tyranus

DM - Your party ventures through the wooded foothills of the Sword Coast as you continue your quest towards the Gnoll Stronghold. Off in the distance, through a thicket of trees, you hear the sounds of battle! Elves, roll a Listen check

Player 1,2,3,4,5,7,and 8 - Pass...

DM - You also hear the snarls and grunts of Gnolls, along with something.... else. As you enter into a clearing you see a single combatant surrounded by Gnolls. They have their victim on his heels and seem to be closing in for the kill. Roll a Spot check and a Lore check

Player 6 - I pass both...

DM - You know this man. This is the legendary Drizzt Do'Urden of.....

Player 6 - IEEEEEKKKK!!!! DRIZZT! DRIZZT IS HERE!

Player 1 - *groan* Why does every damn Forgotten Realms campaign HAVE to have this guy...

DM - He notices you and calls out "Ho there! Might I trouble you for some aid!?"

Player 2 - Bullshit! I heard you killed a hundred Orcs in one sitting before breakfast with a broken arm.

Player 5 - I heard it was a thousand!

Player 3 - I heard he took out an entire city!

Player 6 - OH MY GOD OH MY GOD CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!

DM - Drizzt seems to be in dire need of aid. Surely someone can lend him a hand.

Player 7 - Fuck that, look at that shiny shirt he's got on. I'm going to liberate it from his corpse

DM - But this is Drizzt Do'Urden guys!

Player 1 - Yeah, exactly. Like I'd lift a finger to save this pedophile. You know he was grooming Catie-Bree from when she was like 4, right?

Player 4 - Should have just gone with the damsel, dude.

DM - Screw you guys.... Drizzt, after several greuling hours enduring the Gnoll attacks as well as the parties verbal abuse, dies a most unhonourable death. You divide his amazing booty amongst yourselves and will now proceed to dominate the rest of this module. Thanks, thanks for ruining something I just spent days writing and preparing.

Player 1 - We love you to buddy.

DM - YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO THE MINES YET!

Necomancer

DM:You meet a woman in the woods, shes a muscular woman in a helmet carrying a sword and dagger. She walks up to you and challenges your best male fighter to a fight and offers to join your cause should you win.
Bard:I roll to seduce.
Wizard:Why is it everytime we meet a woman you roll to seduce?
Bard:You're just made because I never rolled to seduce you.
Wizard:Man, I'm too hot for you anyways.
DM:*sighs* I'm going to warn you, you pro-
Bard:Natural twenty!
DM:Goda-Okay, shes slightly less violent towards you but still wishes to fight.
Bard:I offer to fight her with my pants off! Rolling...Natural 20 again!
DM:I am going to take those dice away from you.
Bard:Dude, just let me do the horizontal mombo with the hot chick.
DM:Shes not hot. Shes actually quite muscular and scarred.
Bard:Wait, whats her charisma score?
Fighter:We've talked it over. Charisma and attractiveness are not the same thing.
Bard:Yeah yeah, okay. So I don't seduce her.
DM:Too late.
Bard:Wait, what?
DM:She grabs you and begins dragging you off. Make a strength check.
Bard:Booya! 16!
DM:She rolls a 17.
Bard:But shes a girl! Guys! Help me out!
Fighter:I tell the bard good luck with his new life.
Paladin:I wish him well with his new wife.
Wizard:I flick him off.
Bard:You guys suck!

booinyoureyes

DM: "You must gather your party before venturing forth"
Player 1: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

jackjack

I love rolling nat 20s as a Bard

CrevsDaak

Mage: "I check if there is something inside the tree."
Fighter: "Man, it's just a tree, there is nothing there!"
DM: "You find an unidentified Wand."
Mage: "I told you, see! I found a wand! Is my Lore enough to identify it?"
DM: "No."
Wizard: "I use it over the Fighter anyway."
Fighter: "Hey!"
DM: "You both die, fireballs from the Wand of Fire aren't party friendly guys."

Necomancer

CrevsDaak said:

Mage: "I check if there is something inside the tree."
Fighter: "Man, it's just a tree, there is nothing there!"
DM: "You find an unidentified Wand."
Mage: "I told you, see! I found a wand! Is my Lore enough to identify it?"
DM: "No."
Wizard: "I use it over the Fighter anyway."
Fighter: "Hey!"
DM: "You both die, fireballs from the Wand of Fire aren't party friendly guys."

Necklace of fireballs. Not even once.

jackjack

DM: Upon entering the Adventurer's Mart, you see a merchant surrounded by various guards - he himself has the look of a retired adventurer. He introduces himself as Ribald Barterman. He smirks and gives you his sales pitch:
"Widest selection, lowest prices, etc."
PC: I open the CLUAConsole and add 100,000 gold.
DM: *Blank Stare*

Schneidend

Necomancer said:

Necklace of fireballs. Not even once.

I'm currently in a Pathfinder game with a Sorcerer equipped with a Necklace of Fireballs. I get scared every time he looks like he has an idea .

deltago

DM: After crossing the bridge you see a man dressed plainly in an orange shirt and pantaloons. He approaches you and says "hey ya" to strike up a conversation with you.
Player 1(Paladin): Hi
DM: Hi. I'm Noober, nice place huh?
P1: I guess
DM: So killed any monsters yet?
P1: You mean in town, err no. Is there any?
DM: Ever been to Baldur's Gate? I've been to Baldur's Gate.
P1: What were you saying about the monsters though
DM: Ugh. I think I stepped in something
P1: Errrr... is this going anywhere
DM: Everyone in town use to throw rocks at me and tell me I was annoying.
P1: Well that isn't very nice
DM: What time is it?
P1: I think it is time for me to go. Have to get to the mines and all
DM: I haven't had a conversation this long, well... ever!
P1: Seriously dude, not to break character or anything, but is this going anywhere....
DM: What's that big weapon for?
P1: Seriously, can we please stop this nonsense. You aren't even conversing. Just spouting random things
DM: Those colours look pretty stoopid on you...
P1: I ignore the taunt. And wish the man well
DM: I once knew this guy named Dilby. He threw rocks at me too. Are you going to throw rocks at me?
P1: I am not going to throw rocks
DM: (*under breath* Suit yourself) What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: No
DM: What about now?
P1: STOP THIS. I BASH THIS IDIOTS HEAD IN WITH MY MACE AND HEAD TO THE MINES.
DM: Finally. Noober slumps down from this hit. Blood pouring from his head. He is surely dead and will never bug you again.
P1: Thank Helm.
DM: You've also fallen for killing an innocent.
P1: Wha?
DM: Too bad too, module says if you said no one more time, he would of run out of things to say and reward you 400 XP.
P1: *Blank stare* Never do that again.
DM: Fine.

*****
(next session)
DM: Upon coming upon the finely carved statues, you are approached by a man dressed plainly. "Hey ya, I'm Neeber."
P1: Seriously.
DM: *Grinning*
P1: I THROW A ROCK AT HIM


BTW, my next character is going to be a slinger user named Dilby.

Kalesra

DM: Brus leads you to the Copper Coronet, where he says you might be able to find a way to make the 20,000 gold you need to rescue Imoen.
P1: Wait...Imoen got captured by the Cowled Wizards for casting spells, right?
DM: Yeah. So?
P1: So if we cast spells illegally, won't they come and take us wherever they took her?
DM: Um.......
P2: I cast Friends on myself.
DM: A cowled wizard teleports right next to you. He tells you that casting spells in Athkatla is punishable by death. This is your last warning. If you cast any more spells in Athkatla without a license, you will be killed.
P2: What?
DM: He teleports away.
P1: Killed? WTF?
P2: Wait, if there's a death penalty for casting spells, that means they already killed Imoen and Irenicus. So what are we even doing trying to go after them?
DM: Well maybe they don't kill everyone who casts magic, just people who are particularly dangerous.
P1: So casting Friends is worse than killing like 50 cowled wizards?
DM: Ummm.....

Necomancer

DM:You come across an elf in the woods approaching you, asking for help. Her skin is dark black and her hair is white.
Fighter:Its a drow. We kill her.
Paladin:Wait! Shes asking for help!
Fighter:Fine, do that thing you do.
Paladin:Thing?
Fighter:Detect evil.
Paladin:Do what now?
Fighter:...You don't know what detect evil is? Its the only reason anyone plays a paladin! Look, just detect evil on her.
DM:You know what? Shes evil.
Fighter:See? Now we kill her.
DM:A flaming fist mercenary approaches from afair. He claims the drow is a murderer and must be killed.
Fighter:See?
Paladin:Wait, who did she murder? What was the context?
DM:He has none. She is a drow and therefore a murderer. Its obvious.
Paladin:I can't let this go. We have to reason with him.
Fighter:Shes evil and a dark elf. Don't be a-
Bard:WAIT!
DM:What?
Bard:Is she hot?
DM:Eh...sorta?
Bard:Shit man. I just looked up drow in the monster manual
DM:You're not suppose to have that.
Bard:Shes hot. We gotta save her.
Fighter:We arn't saving her just because you want to seduce her.
Bard:Thats not why. I want to do it because the paladin thingie.
Paladin:Its the right thing to do.
Bard:Yeah, that. We need to kill the flaming fist dude.
Paladin:What?! NO!
Fighter:We need to kill the drow. Shes evil. We kill evil things. Its what adventurers do.
Bard:She might be innocent dude!
Paladin:Yeah!
Bard:So we kill the flaming guy
Paladin:NO!
DM:You going to weigh in on this?
Wizard:Okay, quick question. Everyone is closely gathered together right?
DM:And about to fight, yes.
Wizard:How much XP are they worth?
DM:The drow and the flaming fist?
Wizard:No, everyone.
Fighter:...Shit. You finally learned fireball, didn't you?
Wizard:Yup.

the_spyder

kind of reminds me of Eric and the Dreaded Gazebo:

http://web.archive.org/web/20080804140516/http://www.dreadgazebo.com/index.php?name=News&file=article&sid=8

Awong124

DM: You see a farm in the distance. A farmer stands in front of the farmhouse, beside three cows and a horse, looking forlorn and helpless.
Paladin: I will ask what's troubling him.
Bard: Is he hot? Does he have that hot farmer's tan?
Wizard: Dude...
DM: He is a weathered and wrinkly old man with leathery skin after spending most of his life in the hot sun.
Bard: In that case, I will not roll to seduce. Unless...
Fighter: I roll to smack our Bard in the head so he shuts up.
DM: You hit for 2 damage.
Bard: HEY!
DM: Anyway... in response to the Paladin:
Farmer (DM): My name is Brun, and my son is missing. Oh please will you help me find my son?
Paladin: Certainly my good man. Just wait right here. I'm sure we will find him in no time.
DM: You venture 50m due West of the farm to find a gigantic ankheg nest.
Wizard: Ankhegs? Screw this. Those things are scary. I'm outta here.
Paladin: But we have to help the poor man!
Wizard: You can help the poor man. I'm going back to his house to ask him for a glass of water, and a hot meal. I mean, my friends are looking for his son after all. It's the least he could do.
DM: The rest of you enter the nest, which turns out to be a huge underground cavern.
Wizard: Yo, Brun! Would you mind providing me with a hot meal while I... rest and memorize my spells to aid my friends in finding your son?
Brun (DM): I haven't had a good harvest in a while without my son to help me on my farm. I'm afraid I have no food to spare.
Wizard: Don't hold out on me old man! I saw the three cows outside!
Brun (DM): But they're dairy cows, and provide milk for me to sell.
Wizard: I'm toiling away memorizing spells to find your son, and you're only thinking about yourself. I roll to persuade. Natural 20!
DM: *Sigh* Fine Brun will go slaughter up a cow right now. Can we get back to the ankheg nest now?
Thief: I will stealth and explore the cave.
DM: You succeed. The ankheg don't notice you. A short ways to the East you find a pile of treasure, along with a young male corpse. You carry him back to your companions.
Bard: Is the corpse hot?
DM: Er uh... I suppose... if you're into guys. It's not too decomposed yet...
Bard: I roll to have sexy time with the corpse.
Everybody: Dude...
DM: It's a corpse, you don't have to roll. It offers no resistance to your advances, and you automatically succeed.
Bard: Ah, I needed that. Alright, lets return to the farmer with the body to see if it's his son.
DM: You return to Brun's house. Inside you see your Wizard feasting on a large juicy steak.
Paladin: Dear sir, would this be your son by any chance?
Brun (DM): Oh no! He is my son! How will I go on without my son? *Brun starts crying*
Paladin: You know, these 100 gold coins are really weighing us down. Can you do us a favor and let me drop them off here?
Thief: Hey! What the hell?! That's party gold! Not just for you to give away!
Paladin: He's a sad old man that just lost his son! Besides, I took peek at the adventure module while the DM was in the john, and it says we get 1000XP and +1 to reputation if we do this.
DM: Hey! That's cheating!
Thief: Ok, in that case it's kind of worth it.
Brun (DM): Well, if the gold is just weighing you down...
DM: *sigh* You get 1000XP and reputation +1 for the good deed...
Thief: I roll to pickpocket the 100 gold back off him. Natural 20!
DM: *Sigh* I hate you guys.

The end.

Neeber

Shameless bump... loving this thread

Necomancer

Sort of a prelude to my last one.

DM:You find yourself surrounded by statues. They are very realistic and all seem to be fleeing.
Fighter:Shit. Its basilisks.
Bard:Could be a medusa.
Fighter:Basilisks are more likely at our level.
Bard:If its a medusa I'm rolling to seduce.
Fighter:She'd turn you to *stone*.
Bard:In my pants.
Fighter:seriously
Bard:Dude, give me a blindfold and I'm ready to go.
Paladin:I will attempt to reason with the basilisks.
DM:You can't. They're no smarter then animals.
Paladin:...Can I roll a ranger real quick?
DM:No, and even then they don't count as animals.
Bard:Racist.
DM:I'm not even...Just...What do you do next?
Fighter:Alright, you need to cast protection from petrification, dude.
Wizard:...What? Me? I don't got that.
Fighter:What? Its one of the most basic spells.
Wizard:Don't got it.
Fighter:Why not?
Wizard:Saving up for a more powerful spell.
Fighter:What spell?
Wizard:Fireball.
Fighter:You know what? Fine. Lets go back to town and get some stone to flesh and I'll buy that spell.
Wizard:You know you're teaching me that if I act irresponsibly someone else will fix it, right?
Fighter:Shut up.
DM:You are waylaid by enemies on the way back and must defend yourselves. Surrounded by bandits with bows, one mutters "So I kicked him in the head til he was dead" then does a nasty little laugh.
Paladin:I attempt to breach peace with them!
Fighter:Again.
Paladin:Its called role playing. Anyways I roll the dice...Crap.
DM:Natural one. A bandit kicks you in the head in response.
Fighter:Fuck. We're fighting monks.
DM:Um...
Fighter:Monks in high number are nasty.
Bard:But they got bows.
Fighter:Probably those are thieves. Head kicking guy is a monk
DM:That was kinda just a jo-
Fighter:Initiate combat!
DM:Fine. Whatever. You are now facing bandit monks.
Bard:I love this campaign.

Arizael

DM: After a long and exhausting march, with terorizing images of your fathers death still in you head, you finaly arrive at the Friendly Arm Inn. The place looks nice and safe and friends are surely waiting inside to offer you aid. The night is falling quiclky, but the drawbridge is still down and two guards are observing you.
Thief: I aproach the guards and ask If we can...
Sorceror: Hold a second there Imoen. First i go few dozen steps right and search the surroundings of nearby trees.
DM: But its dark you can barely see a thing!
Sorceror: Nevermind, i focus on the area right between the dark green coniferous tree and these two boulders.
DM(resigned): You found a magic ring.
Thief: Whoo! What does it do?
DM(with slight hope): You don't have Lore high enough, nor other means to identify it.
Sorceror: No matter! "Puts ring on". Now ready yourself sist- i mean Imoen we are gonna get ambushed by an assassin once we reach the stairs.
DM: "Sigh". It's never gonna be the same.

deltago

DM: Upon walking along the coast you see a fairly attractive female. She is blue all over and has green hair.
BARD: I ROLL TO SEDUCE!!!
DM: *Grinning* She walks up to you and says "Please help me, will you? I am alone on this desolate dry-land and who knows what lurks in the woods
PALI: I will help you!
DM: Let the Bard answer....
BARD: Accompany me and I will make certain you are safe... and other things.
DM: Wonderful! Perhaps a kiss to show my appreciation.
BARD: Damn. I only rolled a 6. Didn't think it'd be high enough
Wizard: It's a trap
BARD: hush jealous one. errrm. Far be it from me to turn down a kiss from a comely lass.
DM: She kisses you fully on the lips. You are overcome with a drowning sensation.
Bard: Damn, I am drowning in her lovin. Nice.
DM: No, you literally drown. Your lungs fill up with water and you die on the spot.
Pali: KILLER! I avenge my friends death.
Fighter: Dude he wasn't your friend. He was a jack ass that moons Ogres randomly. We're better off without his ass.
Wizard: You are right. I go over and thank the woman for releasing us from this burden.
Bard: Wha? But gu-
Fighter: SHUT it you're dead. We ain't raising you. Roll another character.
DM: Are you still going to avenge his death Paladin.
Pali: Here, please take this 100 gp to help find your way back from where you came mi'lady.
Bard: Guys...
Thief: Money well spent there.

Necomancer

Damn you Deltago! I was just about to do that encounter too. Aw well, I'll post it anyways.

DM:You come across a attractive young lady wearing the base minimum of decency. She offers a gentle kiss to you, in exchange for aid.
Bard:...Why is everyone looking at me?
Fighter:Seriously? You seduce everything female and then one comes practically begging and you do nothing?
Bard:Hey man, the only place hot women in barely any clothing come to *me* is when I'm alone with no pants during personal time.
Paladin:TMI
Bard:This is obviously a trap.
Fighter:...Damn, I hate to say it but idiot boy here is probably right.
Bard:Hey!
DM:So wich one of you will kiss her then?
Paladin:I can't. Its against my vows.
Bard:I ain't that stupid.
Fighter:Probably a siren or a succubus.
Wizard:Eh, I'm good with just havin' tits. Don't need no kisses.
DM:You know what? She insists, kisses the bard and he suddenly feels a horrible sensation of drowning and dies.
Bard:What?! Not cool!
Fighter:For once I agree with the idiot, again, that was kinda lame dude. I mean, I'm all for killing the bard but he didn't really deserve it. He was smart for once, instead of a total moron.
Bard:Yeah!...Also, I hate you.
Fighter:Feelings mutual, buddy.
Wizard:Seriously man. Didn't even roll for it.
Paladin:Lame.
DM:Fine! You know what? Shes controlled by an ogre mage and offers to raise the bard if you help her free herself from him.
Fighter:Deal.
DM:You're alive again but all your equipment is dropped.
Bard:Even my clothing? Cause if so I want to roll to seduce.
DM:The ogre mage?
Bard:No, the lady who just killed me.
Fighter:Dude, you didn't even survive a kiss. What do you think will happen if you have sex with her?
Bard:A supreme moment of absolute bliss uncompared to any sensation within this earth that will cause my death and refusal to be raised for nothing else in life can possibly compare to that glorious moment of eternal passion.
Fighter:...
Wizard:...
Paladin:...You know, I have a decent charisma score.
Fighter:Wait, isn't that against your vows?
Paladin: No no. Only kissing and being in love is. Casual sex is okay.
Fighter:Let me see those vows.
Paladin:...No.

deltago

@Necomancer with all the rolls to seduce earlier, if I was DMing, I'd do something like this to put him in his place. 6 feet under. Where all PCs belong muhahaha.

deltago

Double post, but oh well:

DM: You are walking through the woods. It starts to rain lightly. It is a warm rain, relaxing.
Pali: Seems nice, lets keep walking guys.
Fighter: Ya we are almost at Beregost we can rest there and get out of the rain.
DM: Suddenly, Wizard, you are struck by lightning doing.... lemme roll.... 27 points of damage.
Wizard: WTF?!
Pali: Dude you only have 9 HPs. You're toast.
Wizard: How the hell is that possible?!?
DM: *shrugs*
Wiz: I am walking in a FOREST. Lightning should of struck one of the trees first.
DM: *shrugs*
Wiz: Or it should of at least hit one of these walking Tin Cans.
FIGHTER: Screw that I only have 25 HP.
Wiz: How did the lighting hit me? Seriously.
DM: Your steel quarterstaff.
Wiz: It's wood.
DM: No, it is a Quarterstaff +1. It's silver therefore metal and attracted the lightning.
Wiz: Hell no.
DM: Dude. Face it you're dead.
Wiz: It isn't fair.
DM: Should have cast protection from lightning as soon as it started to rain.
Wiz: *Blank stare*
DM: It stops raining.
Fighter: I guess we don't need to head to Beregost then.
Wiz: Seriously? it just stopped.
DM: You're dead. No talking, roll another character
Pali: Ya, lets head to the lighthouse area instead. I here there is some chick around there that needs help and I want to do it before the Bard rerolls and attempts to seduce.
Figher: Good plan
(dead)Bard: NOOOO....