This thread is unbelievably fun. This is epic indeed. I give insightfuls because the amount of pleasure I get from these wonderful dialogues is really unprecedented and unknown for me before. Now I know this is possible;)
Playing BG1 again. Take the diamond out of the tree. This scene plays in my head.
Wizard:I search the tree...Natural 20! DM:You find nothing. Wizard:B-but...That was my first natural twenty... Fighter:Aw man. He looks like hes about to cry. DM:...You know what? You find a diamond. Wizard:I do?! DM:You do. Bard:I search a rock! I rolled a 17! DM:You find an angry swarm of spiders that bite your face. Bard:Again?!
As a DM, it sucks to see players roll natural twenties and get no reward for it, so here wizard. Have a diamond.
DM: Hey guys! I'm glad you could all make it! I've just brewed up this brand new D&D campaign based on the best CRPG ever made! It's called Baldur's Gate! Let's have everyone introduce themselves!
Alora: I am Alora, the Sorceress. I'm Lawful Evil, so I'll play by the rules, but don't expect me to get all mushy eyed about saving some farmers daughter for a pittance! If there's coin to be had, I'm having it! Got it! I'm as bad as ketchup on eggs and I'm ready to make some fat stacks!
Ducky: Hi guys! My name is Ducky! I like swords! I'm a Paladin! I'm a good boy! My momma always told me to be a good boy! She told me I could be real strong one day! I could fight with BIG swords! Poppa always told me you ain't gotta be smart to hit them with the pointy end! The people in the big tower told me I had a 'negative modifier to my Intelligence rolls', whatever that means, and wouldn't let me play with the other kids. Instead I spent all day hitting things with big swords! I'm so strong, I once won a bet that I could beat up Jondalar and Erik holding the biggest sword AND the biggest shield in the keep AT THE SAME TIME! It was a pretty big deal, my momma told me.
Tush: I'm Tush, you can call me the Four-Finger Discount around these parts. If it isn't nailed down, I'll steal it; and if it walks, I've nailed it! I wasn't always a Thief, I used to be an Omenspeaker! Blah blah blah The Lord of Murder shall perish. Blah blah blah, each and every day non-stop! It would be enough to drive any man to drink! After a couple of unpaid tabs at the bar that old' kidder Winthrop took my wedding ring, and the finger with it, he did! Had to start lifting to pay it all off. Once I was back at the bottle, I was back to the stealing, though. Turns out I was pretty good at it, after all! Always was too talented to be a chanter! All I need is a tankard of me' old ale and, for all I care, all this good, evil, order, chaos, nonesense is none of my buisness.
Randall: I'm Randall the Raven. You guys are putting way to much bullshit thought into this game. Lets just get on with it! I want to shoot things with this big ass bow! Oh, Tush, you say you like the ladies? Well I have a higher Charisma than you so I say I've banged every lady you have! I don't have any backstory because this is stupid. I'm a Ranger because these walls are lame and I go hang out in the woods with the wolves unlike you pansies.
Flower: My name is Flowers-Absorbing-Sunshine-Making-Beautiful-Light, but you can call me Flower. My parents were kind of hippies, you could say, so I'm a Druid. We never really bought into any of these so called 'gods' or the fancy tricks the local priests would play for the dumb masses. Instead we learned about all the beauty and wonder that nature can bring us. Even though I never worshiped what I considered to be false idols, I was capable of performing incredable feats of healing! One time a local drunk came into my shop complaining about some foulness of his loins, but I was able to cure him just by willing it to happen! I'm a staunch pacifict, so I'll be the moral support if there's any trouble!
DM: AND I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MASTER OF DICE! TREMBLE BEFORE THE HORRORS I SHALL UNLEASH UPON YOU! BUWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DM: Before we get started, I need to know who the party leader is going to be. Alora: Dibs. I'll call the shots around here! Ducky: The strongest lead! Thats the way it should work! Tush: *burp* what's this you're all talkin' about? Leading! I'll lead us straight to the closest tavern, I say! Randall: I'm not wasting my time talking to random idiots we meet in ever shit-hole town we come across. You can waste your time with that. Flower: I'm not the 'front and center' kind of gal, I'll be at the back most of the time so I'm out. DM: So It's between the Paladin and the Sorceress, eh? Ducky: My momma always told me to do the right thing! I'll make sure we're all good! Alora: What's in it for me when I'm the boss, DM? DM: Mostly just constant danger, but the potential for unlimited power... Ducky: I like power! DM: From a source of ultimate darkness and evil. Ducky: ... Alora: Dibs
DM: Alora, you've always known that you didn't belong within these walls. Gorion has always raised you as his own but it was common knowledge that you were born outside the keep. People around the keep always seem to be staring at you, whispering about you, keeping tabs on everything you ever do. They claim that you're a witch, a curse, that there's a dark chill about you. They call you 'The Black Lady'
Alora: I was born for this part! You'd suck at this, Paladin! Ducky: Keep your evil witch hands away from me! Witches turn people into newts! I don't like newts! DM: You begin inside Winthrop's Tavern. All the regulars are there. Tush, the local drunk, sits in the corner Tush: ...SO THEN HE SAID, THAT'S NOT A PENGUIN! HE'S RETARDED! BAHAHAHA *burp* DM: Flowers is working as the bar wench... Flower: WHAT! I'm not some WENCH! I'm a WOMAN! Why am I serving ale like some sterotypical consumerist pig?! DM: I just need you in the same room Flower: I'm a healer, you know! Not one of those snake-oil salesmen a the Temple, either! Damnit DM, I'm a Doctor! DM: There's only like 20 people in this whole damn keep, and they're not all hurt at the same time. You have to have a day job! Plus, you're a druid so you brew the best damn ale this side of the Sword Coast, OK?! Flower: ... that's better, but i'm NO WENCH! Tush: Send me some ale, wench! Flower: I throw whatever I'm holding at him *nat 20* DM: Randall is... Randall: No I'm not. DM: Randall is inside.... Randall: NO I'M NOT! I'm not anywhere near you guys until you're done with these stupid tutorials! I'll be watching TV in the next room until you're ready. *walks away* DM: And Ducky is standing at the bar admonishing the people for drinking publicly at such an early hour Ducky: Yeah! You should all be doing... things... like.... work! Tush: I call the bouncers DM: Ducky is the bouncer Tush: THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING BAR EVER! DM: Dude, like 20 people...
DM: Are you ready to depart yet? Tush: Hold on, we should buy some more of these awesome Bags of Holding DM: What? There are no bags of holding this early! Tush: *holds up his coin purse* Tush: These. These Bags of Holding. We need bigger ones. Sew what we have together. DM: They're just tiny sacks. Tush: Yeah, full of gold! DM: So? Tush: Come on, this is basic stuff here. Gold has a densisty of 19.3 grams per centimeter cubed. The average gold coin weighs about 14 grams. You're telling me I can carry around tens of thousands of these things in this 'tiny sack' without there being some kind of a distortion in space-time occuring within!? I think not. Now get sewing, wench!
DM: Having wiped out both the vampires and the Shadow Thieves and thereby thoroughly messed up the plot, the party buys the cleric some chocolate so that they can ponder their next move sans tantrums. Luna: The best chocolate is sold near the Government District. I want that. Luna: Mmmm. Luna: So, we've ended up in quite a mess. Tepp: We. Yep. Sendany and I share the guilt. Sendany: I don't like sharing, I want all of it. Luna: If you were half as witty when it came to actually doing something right, we'd be bringing Irenicus to justice by now. Tepp: Justice... Tepp: I know someone else who should be brought to justice. Luna: Do you? Tepp: Yeah. Kangaxx. Tepp: I take my Kangaxx arm out of my backpack. Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for shoplifting. Luna: Really. Sendany: Ha! I take mine out too. Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for poking the angry shopkeeper's nose. Luna: Okay, we're leaving.
DM: The party makes its way to the Government District. An agitated crowd can be heard in the distance, seemingly gathered around a pole to which someone is tied. Luna: That might not be a legal execution. Luna: We head to check it out. Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for defacing a public building. DM: Upon closer inspection, the person tied to the pole is a drow woman, and before you are able to reach her, you hear that she is to be punished for no other crime than her race. Luna: That's not right. Luna: I protest loudly. One cannot choose what one is born as. DM: The fanatics will hear none of your protests, and there are no sympathetic ears in the crowd. DM: They seem intent on burning the drow forthwith. Luna: We need to intervene. Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for fondling. Luna: Seriously! Give me those. Luna: I take the golden arms from the morons. Luna: Framing Kangaxx for flailing his arms around randomly. Hilarious! DM: Luna casts Sunfire.
Luna: WHAT? DM: You happened to cause the fingers to form that spell. Luna: But I uttered no freaking incantation! DM: None needed. You have Vocalize. Luna: That's ridiculous. So if Horsebreath had the amulet he could cast spells infinitely- Tepp: We should try. Luna: No. Luna: I need to have magical energy to shape to cast a spell. Not just wave my hands, or as it were, Kangaxx' hands. DM: There was residual energy in the limbs. Luna: This is because I forgot about your birthday, isn't it? DM: ... DM: No. DM: The Sunfire spell kills- Luna: FURTHERMORE, the magical energy does not shape against my intent. I had no intent, let alone ability, to cast an arcane spell. DM: Kangaxx provided the ability. Luna: Intent remains absent. DM: You had such intent. Luna: Did not. How can you claim to know what's in my head?? DM: ... DM: Well, it's clearly not birthday dates. Luna: ... Luna: FINE! I cast Sunfire.
DM: The Sunfire spell kills everyone around, except the party. Sendany: Hey, you didn't let the drow roll for magic resistance. DM: Doesn't matter, she dies even if she resists it apparently. DM: The party's reputation hits rock bottom- Sendany: Yeah, because we were so far away from that. DM: -and a Cowled Wizard teleports in. DM: He reprimands you about an unsanctioned use- Luna: Bite me. Luna: I tell him to show me the law. DM: The law states that whoever casts- Luna: Define cast. Because it was Kangaxx shaping the spell, not I. DM: ... DM: You can't kill a dozen people and blame two golden limbs. Tepp: Yeah, because this guy totally cares who did or didn't get killed by the Sunfire. Luna: Horsebreath is right. The consequences of the spell are not the enforcer's concern. Luna: If I did cast the Sunfire spell, it wouldn't have hit me too now WOULD IT. DM: You didn't argue when I said YOU cast the spell. Luna: But you made me roll for saving throw and damage, so get bent. DM: *groan* Okay, the enforcer reprimands the golden limbs and then summons his colleagues to teach them a lesson. Luna: Fine by me. Sendany: Not fine by us. This was Kangaxx' first offense. He should get away with a warning. DM: *sigh* Kangaxx gets away with a warning and the enforcer and his colleagues leave. Tepp: Should have asked him to take us to Spellhold.
DM: There's still the issue of your reputation being rock bottom. Luna: But Kangaxx cast the spell, we just talked about that. DM: Those who observed at safe distance don't understand that. The word will spread that your party killed a dozen people, most of them innocent. Tepp: Wow, so it's about what's being witnessed? Can we just kill people when nobody's watching without losing half our reputation then? DM: ... DM: Okay, you didn't lose reputation. Luna: Speaking of reputation, didn't we get any for wiping out the guilds? DM: If you want me to retcon that, then I'll retcon your rolls on the Sunfire spell too. Luna: Be that way then. Luna: Are these arms going to cause more surprises? DM: ... DM: If this campaign goes on for a year and you still have them, who knows. Tepp: Waffles, just resurrect all these dead people. At least the crowd. That should net us quite some reputation. DM: I'm not giving you reputation for that. Tepp: Wow, I bet if we hypothetically were to find ourselves in a besieged city, and a man died to a catapult boulder, and we resurrected HIM, we would get permanent reputation for the deed even though the only ones who saw it and survived the siege would be us and the main villain. Tepp: Hey, maybe the besieging army's scouts saw it and spread the word that damn, those three are some nice fellas. I hope they come out here and kick our asses and even kill our immortal Bhaalspawn general. Our mothers would be proud to know we got slain by such righteous beings. Sendany: Or maybe someone in the city tweeted about it. #bhaalspawn #gooddeed #saradush DM: I hate you so much. DM: Fine, if you want to rest and rez over and over, you get one reputation point per resurrected innocent.
Luna: Okay, these arms have caused enough trouble. I put them in my backpack. Sendany: Aww. Sendany: I take out the golden torso from mine. Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for public nudity. Tepp: Give me that! Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for public wallhumping. Luna: So what, you think wallhumping is fine if it's done in private? Luna: Actually, don't answer. Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for mooning. Tepp: Kind of hard to moon with just the torso. It's a gray area. Luna: *sigh* Luna: I take the golden arms out again. Sendany/Tepp: Yayyyyy! Luna: Framing Kangaxx for double colonoscopic malpractice.
DM: Ducky, you remembered something... Ducky: I did! DM: Sure, why not? You remembered that... Ducky: Oh my god, oh my god, tell my mom for me! DM: ... Ducky: If I get one more sticker, she'll make me a WHOLE cake! DM: You're Lawful-Stupid, not a person with a mental disability! Ducky: That's not what the mean Mage in the tower said! Someone min/maxed me when I was a kid! I didn't have a choice! Tush: BAHAHAHA! *burp*Show me on the paper doll where the mean mage touched ya! DM: Enough! You remember that your buddy Helm asked a favour this morning. Seems he forgot his sword back at the Barracks. Go fetch it for him. Ducky: Okie dokie! *walks away* Tush: The Barracks, eh? Been a while since I took a stroll around there... at least outside the cells. I wonder which Wanda is on duty; the sexy one or the naughty one? Alora: As much fun as it would be to let Tush catch the *herm* SMALL pox again, lets go kill some defenseless animals, instead! Reevor mentioned something about some coin. DM: Ducky, as you walk into the Barracks the Captain of the Guard, Fuller, is on duty. He strikes up a conversation with you Fuller: Ducky! I'm glad you're here. Wait, why are you here? You're supposed to be watching that stupid drunken thief! Remember, keeping him out of trouble! Ducky: Sure have been! He was trying to take a scroll from a chest in the bar this morning. I made sure the other guards didn't notice. Kept him out of trouble, just like you asked! Tell my momma I get a sticker! Fuller: ...Damnit boy! If you wern't my only son I swear I'd have fed you to the ducks long ago! Ducky: Is that why you called me Ducky? Fuller: YOU KNOW why I call YOU Ducky! Your brother should have survived that day! But NO! HE had to get hit by the bolt to the neck. You just HAD to DUCK! Ducky: ... Fuller: Why are you here!? Ducky: Hull forgot his sword. I'm getting it for him. It's pretty, and big, and I like it. Fuller: Hull! Ahh, my boy, you just made my day. Someone else I can feed to the ducks without hearing your mother nag about it. Fetch me some bolts, would you? Ducky: I have some right here, poppa. Fuller: You make it really hard to hate you sometimes, boy. Now look, I have a really important job for you, ok? Ducky: I'm important! Fuller: Sure, but not as important as The Black Lady. Ducky: ... momma says I'm the most important per... Fuller: SHUT THE HELL UP! Gorion's up to something and asked me for the strongest brute I have, which unfortunately is neither my wisest nor my smartest brute. He's also my son. Ducky: You are talking about me, right? Fuller: sigh... Yes, Ducky, I'm talking about you. You have to follow that blasted witch around and keep her out of trouble. Ducky: Got it. Fuller: I MEAN IT! REALLY OUT OF TROUBLE! No screwing this up, OK!? Ducky: Got it. Fuller: Before you go... I have a weapon for you. It's the sharpest blade in the whole keep, so keep it close and keep HER safe! Ducky: A sword! You're giving me a new sword! How big is it! Give it, give it, give it! DM: Fuller opens his belt sheaf and removes his personal dagger. Something he's told you a thousand times is a family heirloom and NOT a toy. Ducky: Seriously.... this? This isn't big! It isn't anything! Fuller: It's better than you deserve and wouldn't be getting a damn thing if it wasn't for that bastard Witch of Gorion's! Keep it close and it'll save your dumb skin, I bet! Now get out of here before I finish cocking my crossbow! Ducky: I walk out forgetting that I was supposed to get something for someone.
Flower: I'M TELLING YOU! You don't need their supid lectures! Dm: What are you doing? Flower: I'm occupying the Temple of Helm! These FALSE PROPHETS are duping everyone in this keep! They don't pay any of the taxes and take what little the poor have left when THEY do! And for what! False promises! DM: I really don't know what you're trying to accomplish here... Flower: Look at this poor man here! DM: Which poor man? Flower: The one with the sick cow over there, covered in the fruits of the earth! DM: *rolls* You pass a Scent check, he does not smell anything like 'fruit' Flower: The archtype of the working class! Toiling to raise his cow, his only worldly possesion, only to see it fall ill. And how does the Temple feel about this!? They DEMAND PAYMENT to cure his cow! They rub some scented oils and sing a gibberish incantation and expect the GODS to intervene! DM: The existance of Gods and divine magic is a fact in this universe. You're attempting to turn people into athiests when the KNOWN consequence of such a path is eternal suffering in the Wall of the Damned! Flower: Bullshit! Just another made up story. DM: So what do you intend to do? Flower: I'll heal this poor sick cow for free, obviously! You won't see ME demanding payment for doing THE RIGHT THING! DM: Fine, you heal the cow. It's still poisoned, though. Flower: Ohh.... well, I don't know how to cure that, yet. DM: You could always buy a potion from the Temple... Flower: What was that? I think I heard someone being attacked by a Rat. Better go see if they need help *runs away*
DM: Everyone is back together again, I see. Alora: Lets get on with this then... Imoen: Hi-ya! What's going on!? Tush: DM, why is your little sister here? DM: She wanted to see what we were doing Imoen: Lookie, dice! How many does this one count to? Ducky: 11 Alora: NO! No way! I'm in charge, and I say your little sister is NOT ALLOWED! I'm not censoring anything I say for the sake of their small ears! DM: Come on guys, she just wants to have some fun and then she'll get bored Imoen: I'm going to be a Thief! Tush: I'M THE THIEF! Imoen: Then I'll be a Thief AND a Mage Alora: NO! I'M THE MAGE! YOU'RE A CHILD AND SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING THIS GAME! DM: How old were you when you first played Baldur's Gate? Alora: ... shut up.
DM: Alora and Ducky, you managed to survive the ambush that killed Gorion. Alora: Why would you throw an encounter like that at us RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE!? DM: Just go along with it. You make your way to the roads where you see Flower. Seems she was recently exiled from Candlekeep for spreading heresy. Flower: The people deserve to be free from their oppressors! DM: Before his death Gorion told you it was imperitave that you make your way to the Friendly Arm Inn... Alora: Yeah yeah yeah, lets go back to the ambush site. DM: What? Why? Alora: Goiron had this sweet magical belt he always wore and I want it DM: You really should stay on the road at this stage... Alora: Less talk, more loot! DM: Fine, you loot the corpse of your still warm father. As you get back to the road... Tush: *POOF* I appear from a smoke bomb Tush: Hey guys, have you seen Flower... FLOWER! Great, you're here! You gotta help me out! You're gone five seconds and Winthrops brings out that piss-coloured lager from three winters ago! He even doubled the price! I can't live like this! Make me a batch of the good stuff! Flower: Not going to happen. We're in adventure mode, now! You'll have to wait until we reach the Friendly Arm Inn before I can make more booze. Randall: I enter the stage from the shadows like a boss. There's smoke and some birds crow and shit. Randall: You four are the worst. What's that? A magic letter opener? Ducky: My poppa gave it to me Randall: It looks like nail file for a Halfling Ducky: SHUT UP! It's not that little! Tush: You have anything important to say or are you just being an asshole? I'm thirsy and you're wasting time. Randall: Well you guys were fucking around playing 'come into my castle' like a bunch of children, I was out looking around. Found a ring, a diamond, and this awesome belt! Took it off some slow Ogre... I fucking HATE Ogres! Alora: That everything? Randall: Nope, found this belt, too! Here, try this on, Tush! DM: As Tush throws on the belt, he suddenly turns into a female version of himself! Tush: I feel weird Ducky: You look pretty! Tush: WHAT!? Alora, Flower, Randall, DM: BAHAHAHA!!!!! Ducky: I mean like, really pretty! Tush: THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO ME! Alora: Looks like you'll have to get used to carrying that big purse, after all! Flower: Now if I've ever seen a WENCH before, SHE'S got to be one!
DM: Okay, let's try again to actually advance the plot a bit. Luna: I have an idea. Luna: We could cross the sea with ERT. Enchantment Repellant Technology. Tepp: Err... Luna: With my enchanted plate mail, I can't put on my Ring of Protection. Like, it just won't go on my finger. It hovers there. If I put it on the floor, I can in fact hover over it. DM: ... Luna: Look, I'll show you. DM: Break your finger all you like, but not on my basement floor. Luna: I clearly need to explain my idea, so. DM: My. Floor. No. Blood. Sendany: Is this why you introduce yourself as "Lord of the Level" whenever we go out? Tepp: (By "whenever", you mean "on the rare occasion that".) Sendany: (Don't make him cry.) DM: That is a freaking epic title. Tepp: Since you have no glass cage, can I just use my mallet on you directly? DM: Who the hell has a hammer in their sorcerer LARP gear?? Luna: So the idea is that the boat has two layers, the bottom being items of protection and the top being enchanted armors. DM: Why not just buy a normal boat instead of all that crap. Seriously. I'm not approving this. Tepp: Wait, it occurs to me that Waffles isn't actually wearing that ring since I see her using that enchanted plate mail all the time. Luna: I take it off when I sleep. Tepp: And the ring does you what good then? +2 saving throw against nightmares? Luna: ... Luna: Fine, Sendy can have the ring. Sendany: Yay! Sendany: By the way, I have a better idea.
Sendany: We go to The Heart and find ourselves some sea turtles on whose backs we'll cross the sea. Luna: Look, nobody's actually done that. Luna: What place is this "The Heart" anyway? Sendany: I don't know. Sendany: I just know there's a song that goes "Turtles on cliffs of The Heart". Luna: It's "Total eclipse". Sendany: ... Sendany: THANKS for ruining a fond childhood memory. Luna: There seems to be plenty of childhood left in you, I'm sure you'll replace it in no time. Sendany: Well ANYWAY, we can still use sea turtles. DM: If I were absolutely starved for ideas, I might have allowed that for a shorter journey. DM: No go. Sendany: Well how about YOU help us fix the plot instead of sitting there shooting down perfectly good suggestions. DM: How about YOU make the slightest effort instead of framing Kangaxx and conceiving bullshit ideas? Sendany: This is effort. DM: *sigh* DM: Lo, in the distance. The sorcerer spots a man, and has a feeling his name might be Saemon Havarian.
Tepp: You know, the name is spoken with more of a flourish, and a good deal less sarcasm. Tepp: Anyway. Sendy, hide. Sendany: Success. DM: Seriously. Tepp: Backstab him. Luna: Nobody attacks an innocent man on my watch. Tepp: I promise you that you'll eventually wish we had done this. Tepp: I sounded totally convincing there, for the record. Luna: *groan* I hesitate to intervene. Sendany: It's a crit with added lightning damage and the stun. DM: Naturally. DM: Since when do you have Celestial Fury, anyway? Sendany: Uh, since around the time I looted Celestial Fury. Sendany: Unless you count the brief moment Tepp had it to identify it. DM: Right. DM: The man was protected by Stoneskin, and upon noticing the unprovoked hostility, he teleports out. Sendany: Does not. Sendany: He still gets zapped and stunned. DM: *groan* DM: Look, you wanted the plot fixed, but you're just trying to break it even more. Tepp: Like I want to endure Waffles debating culpability with him for hours on future occasions. DM: Don't worry, I'm sure she won't feel he's at fault for any future betrayals after this. Tepp: Anyway, we kill him and take his boat. Luna: I take it you just "had a feeling" he might have a boat? DM: ... DM: (We both know you don't even need to go to Brynnlaw anymore.) Tepp: (Do you think I'm gonna pass up seeing the look on Waffles' face when she realizes how well she's "helped" Imoen?) DM: (Fine, but I am keeping Saemon.) DM: He had a Ring of Free Action. DM: He gets away. Sendany: See, there you go again, working against us. DM: Armed assault trial defense of the year: The DM clearly wanted me to attack the man instead of doing civil things like talking to him or just ignoring him like another face in the crowd. Luna: The DM does not understand science, so I'll vouch for him probably being crazy. DM: Okay really. DM: Did it occur to anyone to just go to the freaking docks and look for a captain who might be willing to take you to the island? Tepp: No, but now that you mention it, it does occur to me that Sendy should backstab those captains too. Tepp: I bet they don't have Stoneskin and Free Action. Luna: We may have a primitive DM, but Imoen shouldn't suffer for that. Tepp: *snicker* Luna: What? Luna: Anyway, I expect they might want a fair deal of gold for the trip. And, you know, chocolate might be even more expensive on Brynnlaw. Luna: Let's go on another adventure.
DM: As the party nears Valygar's cabin, they are approached by a small group of rangers, who strongly questions the party's presence. Luna: We come in peace. Sendany: (Do we?) Tepp: (Really unrewarding to kill them.) Sendany: Yep, we do. DM: They let the party pass. DM: You enter the cabin and find Valygar in the kitchen, adrenaline pumping. Luna: We still come in peace. Tepp: On one condition. Luna: What? Tepp: I'm fine with not killing him, but he's not joining the group either. DM: That puts us at a stalemate. Tepp: No, he can follow us to the sphere, but he will not at any point be considered a party member. Luna: Really, what's the difference? Tepp: The difference is we don't have to remove him later. Tepp: I, uh, hate goodbyes. Hate saying them, hate listening to them, hate knowing they happen. Hate everything about them. Luna: I didn't know he was a prospective party member. I want to hear his side of the story. DM: Valygar explains his ancestor is a meanie with a cool toy that the Cowled Wizards want. DM: He theorizes that his blood would allow access to said toy. Tepp: Imagine if we were to acquire said toy. Tepp: What a bargaining chip it would be. Luna: For once, I like your train of thought. But I don't see why he can't come with us. Tepp: I don't trust him. Meanieness runs in the family. Sendany: I also don't trust him. In fact, I think you are trying to phase me out of the party. Oh sure, Valygar can backstab instead. Luna: *sigh* Luna: Fine, Valygar follows us but is not considered a party member.
DM: Valygar's presence opens the door to the sphere, and he waits on the spot for you to go in and kick his ancestor's ass. DM: Before you is a panel, and there are doors on both sides. Sendany: Let's go left. Sendany: I want to call some shots too, you know. DM: Inside the room is a clay golem. It attacks the party on sight. Tepp: Oh awesome, I'll go grab a snack while Waffles fights it. Sendany: Sounds great. Tepp: You've been leader for about two rounds and you're already taking a break? Sendany: Don't wanna strain myself. Luna: Well great, it's not like you two can't use bludgeoning weapons. Luna: Or Lower Resistance. Tepp: Three to four castings of a level five spell for a measly golem. Yeah, no. Sendany: And which blunt weapon do you expect me to keep around? I have two weapon slots. Bow and blade, baby. Luna: At least give me Haste. Tepp: Done. Tepp: Actually... I take my Kangaxx arm out. DM: Out of your backpack or your- Tepp: Ha. Ha. Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for property damage. Sendany: Now that's more like it! It's even blunt! I bet we're hitting for like 1d5 or so. DM: Actually, as you pointed out, the limbs are made of pure gold. DM: Which is a rather soft and malleable material. Sendany: (I don't recall them feeling neither soft nor malleable.) DM: Kangaxx' arms are now deformed. Tepp: Now that does suck. Sendany: Let's try to somewhat restore them while Waff- Luna: Don't you start too. I'll just start using your surname if you do. Luna: How much time are we gonna spend on this golem? It dies after two turns, I heal myself, we move on. Please. DM: Agreed.
DM: Looting the chests, you find some random treasure, but most importantly some coal and a lever. DM: Perhaps the lever will fit the panel. Tepp: I cast True Sight. From my scroll. Sendany: I attempt to detect illusions. Luna: I cast True Seeing before they nag my brains out to do it. DM: None of you detect any illusions. Tepp: Not even as we scour the storage room, the lobby, the entrance hallway and the observatory on the right? Tepp: (Please don't make us waste time on the mephit.) DM: Nope. Tepp: Oh, 'cause I just had this idea that in the event that inserting and pulling this lever - which is seemingly a requirement to get past the door - causes the sphere to travel to another plane, it would be impossible for anyone else to step into the sphere from the Prime Material Plane. Tepp: You know, in case any Cowled Wizards would mysteriously appear later and claim they sneaked on board and followed us. Tepp: Sneaked on board without off-handedly disposing of Valygar just outside, for the record, in case they theorized his blood might still be useful to them. DM: ... Tepp: Good. We insert and pull the lever.
-the party progresses all the way to the navigation room and encounters Lavok-
DM: Lavok is mad at you for causing the sphere to travel. Tepp: Maybe he shouldn't have made the door handle double act as an activation lever. Just saying. DM: He fights you. Tepp: Breach. Sendany: Backstab. Luna: Uh, cheering or something. Luna: If he weren't a useless necromancer, at least I could have used True Seeing to contribute. DM: Lavok declares himself diplomatically immune to death. DM: He says he's not a real meanie but that a demon within him that seeks to invade the Material Plane made him act like one. DM: But your asskicking has made it leave him. Good job. DM: Now he's dying. Not so good job. Tepp: (Think we can frame Kangaxx somehow?) Sendany: (Probably too late.) Luna: Not to sound callous, but do we need him to live? DM: Only he can operate the sphere to return you to the Prime Material Plane. DM: He requires a demon heart to power the engine. Luna: Can I heal him? DM: No. Luna: Why? DM: Because, uh, he's about to die of old age anyway. DM: You'd better hurry. Tepp: May we ask him what to actually do with the demon heart and the engine? DM: He decides that's not worth answering, so you're not even allowed to ask. DM: But he'll tell you infinitely many times to go get the heart. DM: So go.
-Tepp makes sure the party explores the outside region in such a way that the Tanar'ri is the last monster they encounter-
DM: Finally, the group happens upon a demon large enough to have a suitable heart. DM: For reasons probably not at all related to metagaming, the party is already buffed with Free Action. -the party defeats the Tanar'ri- Luna: Great, it had a heart. Luna: Let's hurry to the engine room. Tepp: One moment. A fateful choice to be made. Luna: Cut out your tongue? Tepp: Hmm... if I did, I would need permanent Vocalize. Luna: Never mind. Tepp: I'm just thinking, what if the engine were to permanently break down after our intended planar jaunt, and there's no way the sphere could return here. Sendany: Say no more. Sendany: Throwing Kangaxx' torso down the cliff. Tepp: *sniff* Tepp: We never got to frame him for teabagging. Sendany: Or inappropriate intimacy with Rylock. Tepp: Or- Luna: If we don't power up the engine soon, you can climb down and retrieve it and frame it for everything you can imagine while we fade away on this hellish plane. Luna: We head to the room with the runes on the floor.
DM: As the party makes its way to what they hope is the engine room, they are surprised by the presence of, um... Tepp: Not Tolgeiras and another Cowled Wizard, I hope. Tepp: That wouldn't make sense after our initial precautions. DM: Indeed it wouldn't. DM: Unless... they teleported past the door! Tepp: Pure brilliance. Tepp: Dimension Door: Panacea for bad DM'ing since forever. DM: Oh, shut up and fight.
DM: The party finally reaches what must be the engine room. Tepp: Alright. So we have an arcane engine that we know nothing about, and the one heart that was to be found on this entire plane. Tepp: Sounds like a great idea to just randomly put it in one of the engine's cavities, yeah? Tepp: I mean, what if it breaks the engine? What if the heart is destroyed? Both seem like affordable risks... DM: I DIDN'T WRITE THE MODULE OKAY. DM: The sorcerer- Tepp: Waffles is carrying the heart. DM: THE CLERIC PUTS THE HEART IN THE ENGINE. DM: The engine shudders and you hope that means it has returned you to the Prime Material Plane. It seems to have broken. Sendany: Let's loot the room. Sendany: Ooo, a shiny ring. Luna: Mine. Tepp: Let me identify it and we'll see if you still want it. Luna: I gave him a ring already. This one is mine. Tepp: The ring increases your ability to detect and disarm traps. Sure you want it? Luna: Bah, whatever. Let's see if Lavok still lives. Sendany: I already have 100 points in Detect Traps. What am I supposed to do with this? Sendany: Can't points past 100 speed up my detection or something? DM: Because it's so terrible to ask that you wait an entire six seconds to check for traps before a chest or door possibly impales you or drowns you in acid. Sendany: My point exactly. Luna: As proven by the fact you ate a trap just looting that ring. Luna: I can't heal you up indefinitely, you know. Sendany: Like you're using your low level spell slots for much. Luna: So you're not willing to spend six seconds to find the traps, and get experience to boot for disarming them, but waiting half a minute for me to heal you up with CLW is fine. DM: Stop this stupid argument or I'll decide all future traps require 125 skill.
DM: The party returns to Lavok. DM: He requests to see the sun before he dies. Tepp: I don't trust him. Luna: I trust him. Sendany: I... don't trust him. DM: Very well. DM: He says he understands, and- Tepp: I put him out of his misery. DM: He fought that demon for centuries. Don't you think he has deserved- Tepp: It's not your freaking job to rate my ethics. Tepp: We've returned to the Prime Material Plane. Caution dictates we kill him before he can send us elsewhere. DM: The engine is broken. Tepp: My character can't know that. Tepp: Look, I kill him. Magic Missile. End of discussion. Luna: Asshat. Tepp: You can have the ring on his body. Luna: Aww, sweetheart! Luna: ...whoa. Luna: My reaction is neutral.
Tepp: Now we try to sell the sphere to the Cowled Wizards. DM: They argue that unless you plan on taking up residence, they'll just claim it once you set out on your next adventure. Tepp: Then we'll take it back. Luna: Let me handle this. Luna: The sphere is yours, wizards. Luna: But our silence is not. DM: What's to be silent about? Luna: The fact that they are now the owners of the building that destroyed like a score of houses. Luna: Imagine the legal repercussions. DM: They ask what you want. Luna: Take us to Spellhold. Sendany: How naive can you get. Was this the plan? We agree to be teleported by you. We trust you will send us exactly where we want. Sendany: Just demand gold. Luna: Right. Luna: 20 grand and we'll pretend we've never been inside this sphere. Tepp: We'll lower it to 15 if someone else tries to sell them a planar sphere. DM: Well whatever, you manage to get 18 grand. Luna: Plus the loot, and... okay, let's go find a captain.
DM: Having solved both the druid and Djinni quests (and having been declared the heroes of Trademeet) the party now has an opportunity to shop amongst the many merchants in Trademeet and even see the newly erected statues of your group.
Bard: These statues...are they made of something gold or steal-able perhaps?
DM: Nope, they are just normal stone statues.
Bard: Damn.
Paladin: Well, I'm not sure what everyone else wants to do but I'm going to walk to the centre of town to see these statues.
(The group decides to walk to the centre of town and are approached by a man who introduces himself as Neeber)
Fighter: Ohh god no don't tell us this is Noober's long lost cousin or something?
DM (Neeber): Hello there! You're adventurers, aren't you? I want to be an adventurer!
Paladin: Why yes we are. What would you say you are goo...
DM (Neeber): Where'd you get that cloak? I want one!
Paladin: Off the body of some foul beast.
DM (Neeber): I like that sword! Do you have to sharpen it?
Paladin: No
DM (Neeber): Can you sign my shirt?
Paladin: Umm...what?
DM (Neeber): Are you gonna kill the druids? Can I watch?
Paladin: Umm...no.
Druid: Don't click me, I don't want any trouble.
DM (Neeber): I killed a rabid rabbit! I'm experienced now!
Paladin: Hehe...I don't think so young one.
Bard: Hey the man says he's experienced so he must be experienced. Say, I've heard there's a clan of wolves not far from here near the Umar Hills. Sounds like a task for an experienced adventurer!
DM (Neeber): Have you been many places? Mind if I tag along?
Paladin: Sigh....yes I would mind it.
DM (Neeber): People say I ask too many questions. Do you think so, too?
Paladin: Holy sweet words of Tyr. Will you SHUT UP.
Bard: This is why you always kill the mouthy one!
Druid: That would be you wouldn't it?
DM (Neeber): What's a cleric?
Cleric: Someone who has far less patience than the Paladin you are talking to.
DM (Neeber): Do you have to study spells? Can I see one?
Evoker: Sure...I've got a fireball you can check out. Just stand still for a moment...
DM (Neeber): We should go find Waukeen! That'd be a great adventure!
Paladin: ... (blank stare)
DM (Neeber): Have you ever seen a dragon? WOW!
Druid: (sarcastically) Yes actually as part of my masters thesis I studied the impacts of Dragon's on old growth forests...
Paladin: By Helm don't encourage him!
Cleric: Helm...Tyr...you really don't seem very consistent in who you follow...
Paladin: Do you really think now is the time for a discussion on worship?
DM (Neeber): I want to see Athkatla! I hear the streets are made of gold!
Paladin: (stunned silence)
DM (Neeber): I wanna go to the Underdark! I've heard there's cool stuff there!
Paladin: I wish you'd go there now. Best of luck...
DM (Neeber): Have you killed the genies? I can go tell them that you're gonna!
Paladin: Go right ahead.
Druid: Screw this I'm casting Summon Insects on this guy. Tiny bites slowly driving him either insane or utterly killing him seems appropriate.
DM: You begin casting the spell. Its going to take some time for the insects to approach Neeber. Neeber has 20 for his save vs breath so your spell is guaranteed to work.
DM (Neeber): You aren't going to throw rocks at me now, are you?
Paladin: (Smiles) No its going to be much smaller than that.
DM (Neeber): Sensing that its time to go Neeber mentions that you have all been very nice to him and you each get 1000xp along with a small number of +2 bullets.
DM: As this occurs your parties druid has since cast the summon insect spell and it has just hit Neeber.
DM (Neeber): Oww...oww...oww. Hey cut it out!
Fighter: I have throwing axes correct? I take out one and throw it at Neeber. *Takes die and gets a 17 for the hit roll*
DM: Neeber is unarmed, lacks armor, and is very low on health. I'll not even bother with making you do the damage roll here. He has died and the impact of the axe is so severe that his body is torn apart. Blood is gushing everywhere.
DM: Onlookers stand initially mortified...though once the shock and confusion begins to wear off a single person clapping is heard. As the crowd regains its composure more people begin clapping. Hearing the commotion the mayor comes running out of his house - sword in hand.
DM: The mayor looks around and sees the severed head of Neeber lying on the ground. He mentions rather bluntly that like Neeber he is torn here. On the one hand the town is celebrating, on the other you've just committed murder. As a man of honour he has difficulty accepting this outcome but also states that someone else would probably have done it eventually. He asks that you consider refraining from such gruesome displays while in town but does not jail you. Your parties good reputation, at least in the eyes of these people, is also maintained.
Ducky: I like the new pretty lady DM: You like Tush Ducky: That's pretty, too Tush: All of you, EVERY ONE! All making the list! Randall: You look like your mom Alora: She does! Randall: I wonder if your tits look the same... wouldn't have the stretch marks, but I bet it'll have the mole Tush: Number one... Flower: Leave her alone, she's about to cry! We're sensitive creatures, don't you know? Tush: NUMBER TWO! Alora: Look, if you hate it so much, why haven't you taken it off yet? Tush: I can't! It's cursed! See! I'm pulling as hard as I can! Alora: I'm really not seeing the spirit Tush: HELP ME! Randall: Oh no, I like you WAY more this way! Flower: I prefer the strong, talented, and well endowed, so I'll refuse your offer to undress yet again Tush: DUCKY! Help me take off my belt! Ducky: Ummm... my momma always told me not to touch the pretty ladies. Tush: I'm begging you, please! Ducky: Sometimes they beg, but momma said 'NO!', momma said 'Touching pretty ladies and touching yourself sends you to the Nine Hells!' Alora: I never thought you'd find it so hard being a woman Tush: NUMBER THREE! Flower: I give her a month Alora: Two weeks, look how good her skin looks right now! DM: Are we done, yet? Randall: Almost. I fucked your mom. Tush: *draws short sword* Randall: Didn't want that to be too subtle...
DM: As you wander through the woods you encounter a pair of fellow adventurers! They hail you! Xzar: Hello there, travellers! Montranan: Is that Randall, I see? Randall: Ahh jeeze... Alora: What's this, then? DM: Randall used to hang out with these guys Randall: USED to! OK! I was young, and inexperienced! Xzar: Hear that, Monty? USED to hang out with us! Monty: As I recall, I gave you a potion of healing not two days ago! Randall: Was that you guys? Alora: POTION! You never mentioned any potions! Monty: He comes limping through the woods like a sick puppy, he does. Yammering on about some big bad Ogre he slayed. Guzzled that potion back like a shot of' Gullykin Firewine. Xzar: He did have some belts... Monty: Bah! I ain't never seen no Ogre wear a belt, let alone TWO! Even if he did, one of em' meant he only fought a lady Ogre, he did Randall: You're not remembering this correctly at all, DM! Xzar: Yes, it is a well known fact that female Ogres are much less powerful than their male counterparts. DM: Alora, Flower, Tush, and Ducky, surprisingly, all succeed on their rolls and do, in fact, know that female Ogres are much less powerful than their male counterparts. Flower: So Mr. tall, dark, and handsome also like picking fights on women, does he! Ducky: I'm writing a letter to momma. I know I'll remember this! Tush: You knew.... YOU KNEW!!! Monty: Who's this then? Come er' love! Come sit on me lap, I'll show ya what gifts the gods gave the shortfolk! Tush: I need a drink
Tepp: Waffles, just resurrect all these dead people. At least the crowd. That should net us quite some reputation.
Who's Waffles?
EDIT: Nvm, I just read through a bunch of things and figured it's the cleric.
I guess it can't be helped that with each passing episode, it gets harder and harder to just jump into the story. As explained in my first post, her last name is Wafall anyway.
Next one coming up in <5h. The party will finally be going to Brynnlaw.
DM: The party asks around for captains willing to take them to Brynnlaw. Tepp: Whereas previously it only felt appropriate to ask just about everyone else about how to get there. Shopkeepers, priests, Garren Windspear- DM: You never actually met him, given your little incident with Firkraag. Tepp: ... Tepp: My point stands. DM: All captains refuse, each saying there's trouble on Brynnlaw. Given that the voyage itself is also dangerous, there is no amount of gold that could convince them. DM: A few of them do however mention that one Saemon Havarian might be persuaded. Luna: Presumably the same Saemon Havarian that we attacked unprovoked. Sendany: Of course. It's a story. Everyone has a unique name in a story. Tepp: Or no name. Thank you for the information, Prospective Captain.
Tepp: So um, we should probably disguise ourselves. And get new names. Luna: Why, not like Sendy introduced himself before the backstab. Tepp: Maybe Saemon read the combat log. DM: ... Tepp: Hmm. I'll make it simple. My name backwards is almost Pete, so I'll go with that. Sendany: Aww, my name backwards just sounds ridiculous. Tepp: Also forwards. Tepp: Waffles should try the backwards method. Luna: Divine Dismissive Digit. Sendany: I could be... *posh British voice* servant Andy. DM: Pete, servant Andy. Good enough. Luna? Sendany: Or wait. I'll be... *flamboyant Mexican accent* señor Andy. DM: No, you won't. Sendany: Indeed, 'cause I've got a better one. How about... *authoritative Japanese voice* sensei Andy. DM: Seriously. DM: You're senile Andy now. And that's final. Tepp: Bahahaha! Luna: Hehe. DM: Luna? Luna: Tepp will be Lord Pete Horsebreath. Sendany: Ha! Tepp: Hmph. Tepp: Luna will be Lady Anul Pancakes. DM: Great job. I am sure these names will help deflect attention and suspicion. DM: What's your reason to be wanting to visit Brynnlaw so badly? Sendany: They're getting married in secrecy. Sendany: And I will wed them. Luna: Hell no. DM: His initial suggestions seem to be the best, so let's roll with that.
DM: The party approaches Saemon and negotiates a deal for a journey to Brynnlaw. Tepp: Can't we just kill him and take the ship. DM: His crew won't answer to you. Tepp: They will, or else. Luna: WHY do we need to get violent? Can't we just pay for the trip like normal people? Tepp: He will betray us at every given turn, I tell you. Tepp: Fine, we negotiate a deal. But Waffles, all your level four slots go into Neutralize Poison. Tepp: Actually, ask him if he was already paid to bring a trio of people to Brynnlaw and we can get their tickets cheaper. Sendany: You're a real master of deception, aren't you. Sendany: Maybe ask if they were supposed to look like us while you're at it. DM: A deal is negotiated. The party loses 10,000gp. DM: Welcome aboard.
DM: A day goes by without event. Unless you want something to happen... Sendany: I do. Sendany: Señor Andy approaches the fair lady. DM: You're senile Andy. Sendany: Andy has been through much in his life. He can't remember which Andy he is now. DM: So he was raised in whatever the Faerûn equivalent of Mexico is, with a modern name, and emigrated to Kara-Tur where he became a master. Sendany: Precisely. Look, he even has the enchanted katana to show for it. Tepp: Maybe you shouldn't flaunt the weapon you backstabbed Saemon with, great master of deception. Sendany: Like he saw it. BACK-stab. DM: Also, you're supposed to be senile, not schizophrenic. Sendany: Like I said, Andy can't remember which Andy he is at every moment. Sendany: Also, unless you know the difference between schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, don't diagnose someone with either. Sendany: Señor Andy implies to the lady that she will soon be legally bound to forever share bed with señor Horsebreath. Perhaps she would like one last taste of freedom. Luna: Ugh. Luna: Well? Are you going to let this lout offend me? Tepp: Sigh. Tepp: Andy, hands off my fiance. Sendany: It's SENSEI Andy. Tepp: Sensei Andy. Sendany: Yes, young padawan? Tepp: (Accomplished jedi are called masters, not senseis, titwit.) Sendany: (It means like the same thing, titwit.) Luna: I guess we'll never know how we're seated if Horsebreath is able to exchange whispers with all three of us. Must be bloody impractical. DM: Shush. Tepp: Hands off my fiance. Sendany: A jedi shall not know the pleasures of the flesh. Worry not. Tepp: *sigh* Tepp: Might I speak with servant Andy? Sendany: Of course. May the Horse be with you. Sendany: Yes, my lord? Tepp: We need to poison the captain. Tepp: Snap out of your fake identities and do some quality sleight of hand with the meals.
DM: The captain is now poisoned. DM: The party has yet to be poisoned. Tepp: Because Neutralize Poison after every meal, duh? Luna: I haven't been casting it on myself. Only on Sendy. Tepp: Hope we have time to get married before you die so I can get all your stuff. Luna: I'm going to cure the captain. Luna: Also, if we're getting married, where's my ring? Tepp: I gave you a ring. Luna: No, you let me loot a ring. There's a difference. Luna: It was like my turn anyway. You have the Ring of Gaxx, Sendy has the Ring of Protection +2 AND the Ring of Danger Sense. Sendany: "AND the ring of Danger Sense." Did you catch the drama there. Ho yeah, that amazing ring. Sendany: Maybe we can get you a Ring of Infravision. Or even TWO. Luna: I don't even know what my ring DOES. Tepp: It's shiny. Luna: Identify it for me. My love. Tepp: Eh, no. Luna: Do you want to start an argument? Luna: That dashing señor Andy is beginning to feel more and more attractive. Luna: Wait. You have TWO rings. Luna: When did you get that ugly one? Tepp: It's ugly, so why should you care. Luna: DM, you can't let these jerks loot in secret. DM: You were in such a hurry to get to the engine that you didn't even care that Tolgeiras had a ring. Luna: I care now. Luna: Is it the Ring of the Ram he was gonna give us? I'm not letting you have that. Tepp: And I'm not letting you take it. Not even for the amulet. Luna: Then give me the Ring of Gaxx. Tepp: No. Tepp: Can we move on- Luna: Identify my ring. Tepp: ... Tepp: Done. Sendany: He he. Ring of Acuity. Luna: OH REALLY WHAT A GIFT. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK. YOU KNEW THIS WAS USELESS TO ME. Tepp: No. Tepp: Since you are so smart, I thought you might want to dual class to wizard, and this would help you get started. Luna: Like- Luna: Ohh. Nice try. You almost made me reveal my race to the readers. Luna: Anyway, I hate you and I go to cure the captain.
DM: Does anything happen the next day? Sendany: Yes! DM: Preferably not because of you. Sendany: Señor Andy is ashamed he tried to ruin the wedding by tempting the bride. Sendany: He wishes to chat with the couple. Luna: We humor him. Sendany: Andy wonders which surname the couple will use after the wedding. Sendany: He knows it's customary to use the man's. Sendany: However, he finds that "Pete Pancakes" has a nice alliterative ring to it, whereas he does not even wish to elaborate on his feelings about "Anul Horsebreath". Tepp: Seriously. Sendany: The off-duty crew is listening, you know. Tepp: *sigh* Tepp: Our love is too deep. We do not worry about practicalities. Sendany: In that case, sensei Andy has a few words of wisdom to share. Tepp: Naturally. Sendany: They who follow their dreams walk through life sleeping. Tepp: Thanks. Can we have servant Andy? Sendany: My liege. Tepp: Señor Andy and sensei Andy are bothering us. Do show them out. Sendany: But of course. Sendany: Señor Andy protests! Luna: Seriously, I'm not listening to like twenty lines of monologue. Do it in your head. Luna: Are we close? DM: The island is quite visible on the horizon. Tepp: Is it within swimming distance? DM: No. Tepp: Are we on course for the harbor? DM: Yes. Tepp: And if I simply controlled the helm, the ship wouldn't deviate notably from that course? DM: Indeed. Tepp: I knock Saemon off the ship with my Ring of the Ram. Luna: SERIOUSLY. He hasn't done anything to us and that's the third time you try to kill him! Tepp: Ring of Gaxx. Luna: ... Luna: Forgiven for now. DM: *sigh* DM: The ship crashes unceremoniously into the harbor. DM: Welcome to Brynnlaw.
WARNING: This episode has no attempts at humor. I could not find myself joking or being indifferent about what happens here, but the story can't continue without it so it must be written. This is the most heartshattering moment the game could have, and then remember something like it was actually supposed to be in the game too. If you don't want to spend time reading what's probably not gonna be funny, skip to the bottom for TL;DR.
DM: Surveying the city, the party sees a ghost town. It's high noon, yet the streets are empty. DM: Bloodmarks on a wall catch their attention. Then they see more and more of them, and they see pools of blood, but no bodies. Tepp: This isn't supposed to happen... DM: There's a makeshift graveyard in the distance. Luna: We... explore the town and try to find out what happened? DM: There's nothing conclusive to be found. Only more blood. Luna: We head for the makeshift graveyard. DM: The tombs are unmarked. Most seem crudely dug. DM: While you dare not confirm, some of them seem to have too little disturbed dirt to be housing adults. Tepp: Could be dwarves, halflings, gnomes... Luna: Since when do you speculate? Luna: And why do you sound so frightened? Tepp: No reason. Luna: We keep looking. DM: You still find nothing. You get the feeling you are the only living beings in the town, save the crew desperately trying to repair the ship. DM: Only now do you notice that there are no other ships in the harbor. Sendany: Plague? Luna: No, these were violent deaths. Sendany: Vampires? Werewolves? Luna: Could be any manner of beast, natural or not. Sendany: Don't you usually have all the answers, Tepp? Tepp: I hope I don't have the answer this time. Luna: Spit it out. What do you suspect? Tepp: ...let's just keep exploring.
DM: Suddenly, there's a sound that feels bestial, yet not attributable to any creature the party knows of. Luna: We follow the sound. DM: Cautiously advancing, the party happens upon something they've only heard of in legends. DM: A red, spiked beast with long claws. Its head looks more like an extension of the throat, and the entire surface area of the face is used by the large, circular mouth. You are unsure if it has eyes. DM: The beast seems to be fighting against itself, at times trying to claw its own flesh, at times trying to sharpen its senses to hunt. Luna: Aren't you going to do a lore check? Tepp: I suppose... DM: Success. It is the Slayer, a divine avatar once used by none other than Bhaal himself. Murder incarnate. Luna: Why is it here? DM: It notices the party. It seems its first instict is to attack, but it stops abruptly after but one step. DM: Does it recognize you? Is it trying to resist its nature and not murder you? Why would it do that? Tepp: Come on man, don't do this. DM: I thought you said you'd enjoy this moment. Tepp: This is taking it too far. Luna: What are you two talking about? Tepp: Nothing I can explain in character. DM: That hasn't stopped you before. Don't let it stop you now. Sendany: Tell us what's going on here. Tepp: ... Tepp: That's Imoen.
Luna: WHAT? Luna: Why has Imoen taken the form of the Slayer?? Luna: Did she kill all these people? Luna: TELL ME! Tepp: She probably did, yes. Tepp: Imoen is also a Bhaalspawn. Think of her background. Matches someone's, don't you agree? Tepp: Irenicus wanted two divine souls. Imoen was both bait and catch. Sendany: So he's gonna attack us now to get the second? Tepp: No. Tepp: He no longer needs a second. Tepp: Because Bodhi was his sister, and Imoen's soul was intended for her. Tepp: With her dead, he had no reason to wait for us to get here. Too, he now has a close second on his grudge list. Tepp: With her soul gone, the void consumed Imoen, and left alone to fight it, she lost. The taint filled the emptiness. Tepp: If we hadn't killed Bodhi, Imoen would have still lost her soul but we would have been here to comfort her and prevent... this. Luna: YOU JUST LET ME KILL BODHI! Luna: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO IMOEN! Luna: Can we save her?? Can she be freed? Tepp: When I let you kill Bodhi, I didn't expect our DM to take things this far. Tepp: He can answer the rest.
DM: There's no saving Imoen. DM: What little of her is left in that beast is what dug the graves for her victims. It's what's trying to make it take its own life. DM: It's what's keeping it from attacking you right now. Luna: Restoration? Luna: ... Luna: Destroy it and resurrect her? DM: Neither will work. Luna: YOU CAN'T MAKE US KILL IMOEN! DM: It's not death, it's non-existence. Luna: That's a HORRIBLE fate. Luna: She doesn't deserve it. DM: The world isn't fair. Luna: WHY are you doing this?? Luna: Can't we just walk away? DM: Perhaps you can. DM: But consider that the Slayer is not the worst thing Imoen can become. Once fully consumed by the taint, she becomes the Ravager. DM: A far more formidable foe. DM: In that form, she could cause even more death. The island wouldn't confine her for long. DM: In that form, there's no Imoen left anymore. Nothing to hold the beast back. DM: In this form, there's yet a little restraint left. Towards you, most of all. DM: This is the best opportunity anyone will have to end the menace. It would be highly irresponsible to just walk away. DM: Remember, Imoen is suffering in there too. Luna: WHY. Luna: ARE. Luna: YOU. Luna: DOING. Luna: THIS????
DM: Frankly, it should be enough to say that this is the most logical conclusion to your prior actions. DM: I'm sure the metagaming bastard will agree. Tepp: ... Tepp: *sigh* DM: But I won't claim I didn't leap at the opportunity to give this party some purpose. Luna: PURPOSE? We didn't have PURPOSE? We were trying to save her! DM: No, the jackass has been goofing around since chapter one, and you compromised your LG character to no end just to motivate staying in the group. DM: Sendany was somewhat tolerable. I mean he goofed around too, but he just assumed that doing what Tepp wanted was a good recipe for mischief. DM: Then came his vivid interpretation of, I quote, dissociative identity disorder, which for the record is NOT a state in which you can consciously swap between identities. DM: And then I lost all thoughts about not doing this. Luna: ... DM: Imoen can't hold the Slayer back forever, you know. DM: The sooner you strike, the more likely you are to win. Luna: If we kill Irenicus... DM: Metagaming bastard. All yours. Tepp: Irenicus is not here. Tepp: Even in the unlikely case that our DM allows for his death to restore Imoen, it would take us like a month to get there. Tepp: By far enough time for her to turn into the Ravager. Tepp: We would be permitting countless lives to be lost for a highly improbable chance to save her. Tepp: He's right. There's nothing LG about overlooking what I do because of a ring here and there. Tepp: If we spare her now for that unlikely chance to restore her, we cause nothing but suffering. Tepp: Suffering for all her victims and everyone who holds them dear. Suffering for ourselves for having it on our conscience. Tepp: But above all, suffering for Imoen for having to live through that while her very being fades into the core of that monster. Tepp: I don't think you can accept that. Tepp: I can't. Tepp: I'm going to put that thing down while I can still imagine it having Imoen's face. Tepp: While I can still imagine it saying: "Heya, it's me, Imoen." Sendany: ... Sendany: Count me in. Sendany: And not for any hope of mischief. Luna: ...Irenicus will pay. Luna: Do you hear me in there, Imoen? IRENICUS WILL PAY. Luna: I will call down the wrath of the heavens upon him, until the sky is clear of clouds and your light can shine down on us unhindered. Luna: We will NEVER forget you.
TL;DR: Because Bodhi was killed, Irenicus simply took Imoen's soul instead of waiting for Charname. The emptiness consumed her and the Slayer overtook her. The party had to kill her, sending her off to non-existence. They are now sworn to take revenge upon Irenicus.
(the edit was to the TL;DR, haven't changed the story)
Ducky: You didn't have to be so mean to him! Randall: When some random stranger comes up to you in the middle of the woods, chances are they're trying to rob you, or kill you, or both. Ducky: But I swear! It was him! Alora: Some old man with a red pointy hat and you think it's a famous wizard Ducky: He looked just like him! Randall: You've never seen him! Ducky: The pictures in the scrolls... Randall: Are never accurate! I didn't see any silver fire shoot from his ass, did you, Tush? Tush: *glug glug glug* Shtop calling me Tussh. I'm the Four-Finger Discount from now on... Randall: But it fits so well! Tush: AND SHTOP STARING AT ME ASS! Randall: But it'll fit so well! Alora: I'm with Randall... on the first thing, not the second, that's gross. Random strangers are always bad news. Flower: We're in a lot of danger, Ducky. Remember those two assassins, Corbos and Shank... Alora: They were assassins? Flower: Didn't you say they tried to attack you? Alora: ... sure. Ducky: *unsheafs his Two-Handed Sword* They met Susan. Flower: I think I'm going to be sick... DM: In the future, you really don't have to be so rude to the people you meet. If they wish you harm, they'll probably just shoot first Alora: 'm not falling for that! Never trust a DM, I say. DM: Suit yourselves. Are you ready to get going. Tush: Just a minute, I need to take a piss. Where's a bush around here? Randall: There's a rock I found this ring on over there Tush: Ok, Flower? Flower: What? Tush: Well... I'm going to the bathroom Flower: OH NO! We're no where near me holding your hair back! Tush: I don't know how this new plumbing works! I also still can't take off my belt. Alora: You'll figure it out. You're almost a big girl now. Tush: *grumble* It won't be quick... I promise Tush: *walks away*
DM: *rolls dice* Ducky: What are you doing? DM: Nothing... DM: You see Tush come running across the road, pants around his ankles, stumbling as fast as he can. Behind him a large wolf in gaining ground Tush: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit DM: *rolls dice* The wolf veers towards Flower and clenches its teeth firmly around her forearm. Take 7 damage. Flower: The hell! I'm nearly dead! DM: Indeed, you fall to the ground unconcious after he lefts go and sets his sights on *rolls dice* Alora Ducky: No you don't! Come at me wolf! Susan likes to play with dogs! *Rolls* 17! DM: *rolls* As you charge at the wolf, swinging as hard as you can, your sword shatters upon contact. Ducky: ... DM: The wolf seems to have shrugged off the blow and continues towards Alora Ducky: SUSAN! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! Randall: Fuck this. *rolls dice* Critical Hit DM: Your arrow punches through the wolf's chest. He stammers slightly, but continues his charge Alora: I cast Sleep DM: The wolf saves Alora: Ummm... guys?! Little help here Imoen: Hi-ya! Alora: Seriously!? Imoen: I heard you were fighting a big scary wolf DM: Where did you even come from? Imoen: I'm a Thief! I'm sneaky! I cast Magic Missile at the wolf Alora: No! DM: *rolls dice* Look at that! You killed the wolf! Alora: NO! Imoen: Woo hoo! I'm the best Thief ever! Alora: YOU CAN'T CAST MAGIC MISSILE! DM: Whatever, I give her a Wand of Magic Missiles Imoen: SEE! I start running around them really really fast! DM: Ok, sis Imoen: I mean REALLY fast! Give me a potion of speed! DM: Fine, just be quiet Alora: This is so unfair DM: *rolls dice* Flower really doesn't feel well. You should get her to another healer as soon as possible Tush: Come on guys! Lets hurry! I still need her to brew me a new batch!
Gonna be tricky to continue the story from here. I can't (immediately) go back to rampant goofing after that event, yet fighting the DM feels like the essence of this thread. Here we go anyway.
DM: Is the funeral ceremony concluded? Luna: ... Luna: Yes. DM: While none of you have any wharf experience, it does seem like the ship won't be repaired for a few more hours. Tepp: Enough time to look for clues as to Irenicus' plans. Sendany: Wonder if it's enough time to convince them to bring us off the island. Luna: ... Luna: I hate Irenicus with all my heart, but I will not let vengeance blind me. If we can't settle things with the sailors civilly, we find another way. Luna: No violence. Sendany: Wasn't planning on using any. Luna: Good. Luna: I suppose the asylum would be a great place to look for clues. Tepp: We can always hope Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary. Tepp: Which he left behind. DM: (Don't start already.) Tepp: (It's the best thing to hope for, duh.) DM: (Fine.) Sendany: One moment, before we enter. Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for shattering a Spellhold window. Luna: Boys will be boys. Luna: We enter.
DM: Conveniently enough, Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary. Which he left behind. Luna: (Sexist DM.) DM: It explains his intent to use a portal somewhere within the asylum, that would take him to the Underdark. Luna: Looks like our path is clear. Let's find that portal. DM: The party searches the facility. Tepp: (If you were to make a certain thing happen that normally happens, I wouldn't call you out on it being totally wrong. Variety is the spice of life. Give us a choice.) DM: (If you try to kill him again...) DM: Saemon Havarian appears before you, brought in by magical means. He seems to be fresh out of the sea. DM: Whew, he says. Wasn't easy to cast Dimension Door while swimming. Finally pulled it off. Tepp: I stay hidden. Luna: I ask if he requires healing. Tepp: He might need 5-30 hit points healed. No particular reason. DM: Saemon accepts the healing, adding that he is still cold and throwing in a wink. Luna: I politely decline and explain what has happened in his absence. DM: He argues that Irenicus' portal might not be safe for anyone else to use. DM: Plus the guy has like a ton of int, not like the whole journal couldn't be a deception. Sendany: Sounds reasonable. We should get back to the mainland and figure out a different course from there. DM: He explains he would feel safer if the three of you were on board. Tepp: What, all three of us? Tepp: Guess he mistook the ring blast for a gust of wind. Luna: Tepp, your opinion. Sans metagaming. Tepp: Hmm. I say we search for the portal a little more, and examine it if we find it. If we decide to use the ship, we'll be at the harbor within two hours. DM: Saemon adds that he would pay you to join him. Luna: See? From a man you've tried to kill three times and falsely accused of trying to poison us. Tepp: Sendy got Neutralize Poison. I had the Ring of Gaxx for all my meals, and gave it to you after the last. If it were a slow-acting poison, or say, I don't know, a reagent that would allow Irenicus to render us helpless- DM: *sigh* Tepp: -then my cautiousness was still justified. Luna: Yeah whatever, I guess I'm glad you didn't attack him on sight. I guess there's hope for you. DM: (You just want the Cloak of Mirroring, don't you.) Tepp: (Hehe.)
DM: The portal is beyond the party to understand. It could do nothing, or it could send them somewhere totally off course. Tepp: Shame we don't have a demon heart to feed it. That usually works. DM: *sigh* Luna: I want to keep my head cool. Not touching that portal. Imoen can't have perished just for us to get captured by Irenicus again. Sendany: I concur.
DM: Saemon is waiting for you at the harbor, seemingly ready to cast off at any time. DM: He has convinced his crew that you had nothing to do with his accidents and that bad DM'ing is the reason they couldn't just slow down the ship themselves since the party had no interest in breaking it. DM: I hope. Sendany: Hehe. DM: He offers you a gift. It is a Silver Blade. Sendany: Wow, with capital letters. DM: We've been through this. Luna: How kind of him. We graciously accept. Tepp: (Like we have the option not to.) Tepp: A thief, a cleric and a sorcerer get a blade for a two-handed sword. Can a gift get more sarcastic? Sendany: Hey, I'm gonna take Use Any Item as soon as I can. Tepp: I'm not gonna endure you rolling for a vorpal hit after every attack. Sendany: But apparently you will endure me rolling for both the CF stun and the shocking blow. Sendany: On a weapon I am more likely to actually hit with, too. Sendany: Titwit. Tepp: (Technically, it is your victim that has to roll for the stun. Titwit.) Luna: Now now... who said it's for a vorpal blade? Tepp: Uh, no one. Just had a hunch. Luna: Besides, no matter its shape, it's still silver. That's valuable. Tepp: Yeah... a similar argument didn't work out well when trying to sell Kangaxx' body parts. Tepp: Sir DM. DM: It's rude to sell a gift anyway. DM: (You know, in the event that you actually get one for your birthday.) Luna: (Get over it.) DM: Are you ready to depart? Luna: ... Luna: Will he wait for us if we say farewell to Imoen? DM: He will. Luna: Like will he or are you just paraphrasing his reply. DM: Saemon will wait. Still some minor preparations to be made. Luna: Either of you want to join me? Sendany: I'll pass. Need to... sharpen my bow. Maybe frame Kangaxx for inciting mutiny. Sendany: Look, one goodbye is enough for Sendany. Tepp: ... Tepp: I'll join you.
DM: You arrive at Imoen's grave. What do you do? Luna: I stare silently at it. Tepp: As do I. Luna: ... Luna: I don't really have anything to do here except say a second, silent goodbye. I mean it's not inconsequential, but nothing to involve the DM or roll dice for. Luna: You? Tepp: Same deal here. Luna: ... Luna: Thanks for joining me. Tepp: You're welcome, Waffles. Luna: May scurvy claim you, Horsebreath.
DM: The ship sets sail. You are bound for Athkatla. DM: Is there anyone who would like for something to happen? Sendany: I would! DM: Sendany would, or Andy the Clown would? Sendany: ...never mind! Tepp: I would. DM: Not getting rid of the Silver Blade. Tepp: ...never mind. Sendany: Oh, that does bring something to mind. Sendany: Another fateful choice. Tepp: Ah, good call. Luna: If you're gonna throw a Kangaxx limb overboard, I'm all for the idea but please don't make it sound so ceremonial. Sendany: One, two... Sendany: Rock. Tepp: Rock. Sendany: One, two... Sendany: Rock. Tepp: Rock. Sendany: One, two... DM: Oh for goodness' sake. Roll 1d6, 3 or less Sendany wins. DM: Sendany wins. Tepp: Wins the privilege of giving up his Kangaxx arm. Sendany: How is THAT a privilege. The winner KEEPS his Kangaxx arm. DM: Throw one now or a sudden squall will throw both your BACKPACKS overboard. Sendany: You have his remaining leg. Not fair that I should give my last limb up. Tepp: Please, how much framing can you do with the legs anyway? DM: I MEAN IT. Sendany: Hmph. Sendany: I pickpocket Tepp for his Kangaxx arm and throw it overboard. Tepp: Really dangerous to antagonize the guy with a Ring of the Ram when you're on a ship. Tepp: Historically proven fact. Luna: Yeah, except Saemon never did anything to antagonize you. Tepp: ... Tepp: Previous life.
DM: Suddenly, githyanki! Tepp: Wow, I wonder why they would want to attack us. DM: They say they have reason to believe there's a Silver Blade on the ship and they kinda want it back. DM: Saemon says he doesn't have one, nor does his crew, but he can't vouch for the trio of shady looking strangers. Tepp: I told you he was a jerk. Luna: If they can prove the blade is theirs, I will gladly return it to them. DM: They don't wanna listen to that. Out for blood. Blades for tongues. DM: Fight. Tepp: I barely care to join the fight. I'm not afraid of the githyanki. DM: You should be. They have no qualms about sinking the ship. Tepp: Not. Afraid. DM: (Too much metagaming.) Tepp: (Want me to encourage everyone to blast the githyanki captain so you can come up with another lame explanation why plot critical targets can't die?) DM: (Fine.) DM: Suddenly, sahuagin! Sahuagin join the fight. DM: The githyanki retreat. The ship sinks. DM: The party does not drown...
Ducky: She was so pretty... DM: I'm sorry Ducky: I just got her for my birthday... DM: I'm really sorry Ducky: She was my biggest one... DM: It was just a sword, Ducky Ducky: She wasn't my first, but she was my favourite... DM: I said I was sorry! It's the way the dice rolled! You'll be able to buy a new sword soon enough! Ducky: How can you just replace Susan! It's like you don't even care! Alora: Just throw those shards away and let's get moving Ducky: NO! I'm going to have her fixed! She'll be bigger and better and sharper than ever! Ducky: *cradles the sharp metal fragments like a baby* DM: You continue on your journey to the Friendly Arm Inn, now with a new sense of urgent purpose. Flower has lost a lot of blood and, seeing how she is your only healer, there's nothing you can do to help her. Flower: If we had a PALADIN that could do something like, I don't know, TOUCH A WOMAN I wouldn't be in this mess! Ducky: ...and I'll give you a new grip; and a new sheaf; and a new... Alora: We have potions of healing from the Temple Flower: Bah! You want to give me some homeopathic river water in a fancy bottle? The placebo effect only works if I'm too stupid to know those things are useless! DM: You're almost dead. Almost dead people don't talk. Tush: If she won't accept the potion, and she won't give me her recipe for Sweet Strawberry Spirits... Flower: NEVER! Tush: Then we just HAVE to get her to the Inn as soon as possible.
DM: You journey north alone the road when you're approached by another strange man Randall: Enough with the random strangers! DM: He's just a weary traveller, no harm at all. Alora: Does he look rich? DM: Poor as dirt Alora: No sense robbing him... Fine, what does he want? DM: Hi there! These woods are dangerous parts, why are you out here running around? Tush: Ummm... we're five people in armour with weapons, you're one man without a pot to piss in. Why are you lecturing us about being out in the woods? DM: I'm just saying, there are bandits and other dangerous creatures out here. One of your weapons looks broken, as well. Another victim of the Iron Crisis, I see... Alora: The what? Tush: All the more reason you should be back in your shack DM: What's the most dangerous creature you've encountered? Imoen: I killed the wolf! Alora: NO TALKING! Randall: Took out an ogre a few days ago. You probably saw the corpse. He was huge Ducky: You mean 'she' Randall: It wasn't a woman! Tush: We're wasting time talking to this stupid peasant! Flower needs to get to the Inn! DM: Your friend looks pretty roughed up. Where are you taking her? Alora: We have to get her to the Friendly Arm Inn where a temple... Flower: NO TEMPLES! Alora: Where a nice soft bed can heal her. DM: *rolls* The traveller looks up at the sky with a grim look on his face DM: It's almost 8 hours on foot to the Inn from here. It'll be dark soon, you should set up camp for the night, instead. Tush: Listen here, asshole. I'm down to my last mickey and THAT won't get me through the next five minutes if I keep talking to you. This is an emergency! DM: Ohh, feisty, are ya? I like em' feisty. Alora: She'll be fine, I'm not walking another eight hours Randall: If she was going to die, she'd be dead by now. I'm making a fire Flower: You lazy bastards! Tush: Screw you guys, then! I'll carry her and meet you there! DM: Sorry, but no. Tush: Why not? DM: You must gather your party before venturing forth Flower: FUCK YOU!
DM: As the party sets down for the night, the traveller joins you at the fire DM: It's good. A full moon tonight will keep the evil creatures in their holes and sharpen our eyes against attacks from men. You're friend... Alora: I wouldn't really call them my 'friends' DM: The large one. He seems very distraught Ducky: *sobbing under his covers* Alora: He lost the only women he ever loved today DM: That's terrible Alora: Oh man, the look on his face. Priceless. DM: Nothing's right these days. I can't farm my fields or feed my herds anymore since all my tools keep breaking. Damn iron crisis, it's hitting everyone! Even us poor folk who got nothing! I'm out here trying to let my cattle graze, but gotta watch them myself on account of the bandits and monsters preying upon us. Alora: What is this iron crisis you keep talking about? DM: What were you? Locked up for the last five years? Alora: You could say so, but for a lot longer DM: All I know is that anything made of iron these days seems to rot. ROT! Like it was a piece of hard bread! The city's been closed up for months. The stinking nobles are talking of going to war! Something about Amn making trade demands. A bunch of rich bastards lose a little bit of their rich bastard coin and decide to send us poor off to die because of it! Alora: And this has been going on for five years? DM: Well, not all of it. The iron's only been bad for a few months now. But this all started when those bandits first showed up, I say! The poor folk felt the first blows, but no nobles in the city cared about us! Wasn't until THEIR precious caravans started getting hit. The rich couldn't hire enough guards to get rid of them, and the poor were choosing to join up rather than be raped and slaughtered, or just eventually starved. Alora: Joining up with bandits, eh. Might know where I can find some? DM: Like I said, all this trouble first started when the bandits showed up. South of here, past the town of Beregost, is a small town called Nashkell. That's where the bandits first showed up and, wouldn't you know it, that where we get all of our iron from. I bet you'll find whatever trouble it is you're looking for there. Alora: I get up and go to sleep DM: Who's on watch right now? Alora: What? DM: Who's on watch right now? Alora: Why are you asking me? DM: You're the party leader, right? Alora: Oh, well. Ducky's kind of catatonic at the moment, so not him. Flower's almost dead, Tush is hopefully dead, and Randall is... fuck if I care. DM: So I'll just assume it's the weary traveller, then? Alora: Sure, why? DM: *rolls a lot of dice* Alora: Oh, fuck off
DM: SO I KICKED HIM IN THE HEAD UNTIL HE WAS DEAD! BAHAHAHA! Alora: I peek out of my tent, what do I see? DM: There are several bandits inside your camp. The weary traveller is being held up by two wearing only rags, and is being repeatedly struck by another wearing some blackened leather over simple chainmail. Three more have managed to hold Ducky down long enough to begin binding his hands behind his back. Tush, seems to have sobered up only after being subdued by another two bandits. Flower is still unconcious but being watched over by the final bandit. Alora: Shit, where's Randall? Randall: Here Randall: I appear from the shadows behind her, grab her by the mouth, and lead her out the back of the tent before we're discovered. DM: *rolls* Just as you slip out the back a bandit pokes his head into the front of your tent. He doesn't notice you, but you notice it. It's an Ogrillion, a half-ogre. Randall: ... DM: *rolls* you can't subdue your rage and go into a berserk state Randall: ...but Alora: I keep ducking out the back and try to make it to the woods DM: *rolls* You succeed, Alora. *rolls* Randall, you unsheaf your longsword and bury it deep into the face of the Ogrillion, killing him. Unfortunately, you've now alerted the remaining bandits of your position. Randall: ...but DM: They've surrounded you, there are no more Ogre-kin around, so you are no longer berserked. Randall: You're an asshole Alora: Thanks for the distraction, buddy. Am I safe, yet? DM: Yes, you've found a good spot behind a log and some leaves that conceal your position, but still gives you a good view of the camp. Alora: What do I see? DM: *rolls*...*rolls again*... You see a small carving on the log in front of you. Alora: I mean out there! DM: It says "randall was here" Alora: What are the bandits doing?! DM: *rolls* It says "Randall + Tush =".... Randall: IT DOES NOT!
DM: The armoured bandit strikes the weary traveller. "I want the woman!" He screams. DM: "You have both of them!" The man spits back from behind broken teeth DM: "These are not her! I look for one with hair and eyes black as ink! These two are not her! Ducky: I make a strength check against the ropes to break them DM: *rolls* You fail, but in struggling you've manaed to untuck your shirt. You feel your dagger in your sheaf move closer Ducky: I try to reach for it DM: *rolls* Success, you free your dagger and begin sawing at your bindings. They're quite thick, so it will take some time. DM: Meanwhile, the armoured bandit has begun viciously beating the weary traveller. He struggles, then slouches to the ground, then stops resisting all together. The three who were watching you, Ducky, have just finished tying up Randall and are standing over him with a spear to his neck Randall: Ok, I'm sorry I metagamed! I won't do it again! Promise! DM: "QUIET! Bring be the lass with the firey tongue!" He bellows. Two bandits start to drag Tush over to the fire. Tush: I'LL BITE OFF ANYTHING THAT GOES NEAR ME TONGUE! DM: Alora, you see all of this happening, what are you doing? Alora: I'll watch DM: Don't want to try and cast Sleep or anything? Alora: Not quite yet DM: The large one picks up Tush and throws him over a log. Are you sure you don't want to do anything? Alora: I'm good Tush: You're making a big mistake! I'm really a man, see! It's the belt! DM: Now would be a really good time to do something. My little sister is sitting right there. I don't want this to get too rough Alora: No censoring for little ears! Tush needs to know what its like to be a woman DM: I really don't think this is an appropriate lesson for anyone! Tush: NOT COOL ALORA! Alora: But super evil Tush: Fuck this, I leap up at the guy and try to head but him in the groin DM: *rolls*... *rolls again* Critical failure. You manage to dive at his crotch, but don't realize that he had not yet removed his codpiece. You knock yourself unconcious. DM: "Ah, it's no fun when they don't fight! Bring me the other one!" DM: The last bandit looks around. "Umm... sir, she's gone."
DM: What do you mean 'she's gone'?! Alora: What do you mean 'she's gone'? Flower: What do you mean, 'I'm gone'? DM: She's gone, sir! She was here one second, now she's not! DM: *rolls dice* Alora, you pass a listen check along with one of the bandits and hear a russling in the woods to the east. Alora: Can I see anything? DM: *rolls* You don't see anything, but you sure can smell it. It's nauseating, like burning flesh and hair Alora: Two personal favourites DM: "What's that smell?" "Where'd that come from?" two bandits near the edge of the forest call out, until they're suddenly pulled into the darkness! Alora: WHAT DO I SEE!? DM: The bandits are rushing towards the edge of the woods. Randall has been abandoned and is struggling against his bindings. Tush is still unconcious, and Ducky is calmly sitting down, looking at the big armoured guy. The armoured bandit stands near the fire, readying his bow. Flower: Where am I?! DM: Three bandits walk into the woods to look for their two companions. The leaves russle, a shreik echoes across the camp, and then there is dead silence. Only the crackling of a dwindling fire, casting ever less light against the treeline DM: "All of you! Get back here, now!" The armoured one calls out. Three bandits remain by his side, all visibly shaken. "You two, come with me! You, kill these sorry bastards." DM: As the leader turns away from the fire with his men, the last bends over and begins to draw his dagger, preparing a coup de grace on Tush DM: *rolls* Ducky, you've broken through the ropes now! Ducky: No one hurts pretty ladies around me! *rolls* 19 DM: You grab the mans head. Putting your palms on his temples and your thumbs in his eyes, you squeeze. *rolls* You squeeze with all of your might and his skull crushes in your hands like a vase. You're compleatly covered in a sticky ooze of blood and pulp, now. DM: The bandit leader notices you've come free and draws his bow. The trees part behind him, and a giant dark beast emerges from the forest. It lashes out and throws the remaining two bandits across the clearing in a tangled mess of limbs and gore. The beast rears up and crushes the bandit leader with all its wieght beneath two great clawed paws. Alora: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? DM: *rolls* This... is a werewolf
DM: Randall, You've broken free from your bonds. Randall: I draw my bow and shoot at the werewolf DM: *rolls* Your arrows fire true, but bounce off its chest like a child's toy Alora: Ok, now I think I should do something. I cast Blindness, hoping it doesn't notice me DM: *rolls* You succeed, and the werewolf is blinded. It thrashes around in a rage, striking at the ground and swinging in the air. Tush, you wake up Tush: What happened? Where did everyone... HOLY SHIT! Alora: Somebody hit it with something! DM: The Werewolf stops for a second and begins smells the air. *rolls* He turns sharply dowards Ducky, who is trying to pick pieces of skull from his gauntlets. Tush: I'm right beside him so I'm going to go stealth and get out of the way Alora: Coward! Hit it! DM: *rolls* The Werewolf charges at Ducky and pounces over him. Tush: I go for a backstab, I guess DM: Your sword bounces off having no effect Tush: See, no point. I'm out of here! *smoke bomb vanish* DM: The werewolf prepares to strike at Ducky Ducky: I've got this, don't worry pretty lady! I roll a strength check to wrestle with the werewolf! DM: *rolls*... *rolls*... Critical failure, you begin to 'wrestle' with the wolf, which seems to involve you being treated like a new chew toy. Ducky: Ow... NO PUPPY! Ow... NO BITES! Ow... nothing to worry about! Alora: DUCKY! STAB IT! Ducky: Susan's dead! Remember! Alora: WITH THE FUCKING DAGGER! Ducky: Ohhhh..... that thing. Ok. DM: *rolls* Ducky stabs the beast in the gut with the dagger. It passes through the flesh like it was made of smoke. The beast cries out in agony, and slumps over. It begins to transform back into a human. Transform back into Flower. Flower: Oh god, oh god, what did you make me do! I'm supposed to be the pacifist! DM: Flower is still alive, Ducky remains standing over her, holding the tiny dagger stuck into her stomach. Alora: Ok Ducky, let me force her a potion of healing before she actually does die. Tush: She's unconcious! Wouldn't she just choke on it? Randall: It's a potion of healing! The only way we could hurt her with it is if we bludgeoned her with the bottle! DM: Ducky, as you continue to hold on to the dagger, you hear something. *rolls dice* You hear a calming voice. Your mothers voice! "Go on, Ducky! Be a good boy! Go on! To the hilt! There you go! That's a good boy! Now stay still! You're such a good boy! Ducky: I'm such a good boy... DM: Randall grabs at Ducky's hand and pulls out the blade while forcing a potion of healing down Flower's throat. Randall: Now we really need to get her to the Inn. If she's caught lycanthropism, the first moon has already passed. There may not be a way to cure her, now.
I feel I struck a nice balance between goofing and roleplaying in the previous episode, but this one was trickier to play jokes on. I don't actually plan much and mostly improvise my way forward but I do have some gems waiting at the end of the road.
DM: The party is taken to the City-of-Caverns, home of the sahuagin. You believe yourselves to be standing before a temple, likely devoted to Sekolah, their Shark-Father. DM: The sahuagin around you are blathering in their native tongue, and the meaning of their words escapes you, but they do not sound hostile. DM: Suddenly, their words sound like perfect Common. DM: The priestess explains she believes you are part of a prophecy. That Sekolah has sent you. DM: You can play along or try to fight your way through the sahuagin. Luna: It wouldn't bother me much to slaughter their evil race, but I doubt we'd win and even if we did, it wouldn't help us reach Irenicus. Sendany: I concur. Let's play along. At least until we have a way out of here. Tepp: These sahuagin suck, but sure let's play along. DM: You are brought before the sahuagin king. Tepp: Tell us his name. DM: Dick. DM: Ix... Ixil... Ixilthetocal. Tepp: And his court, name them. DM: Sorcerer-Eater, Sorcerer-Devourer, Sorcerer-Stop-Wasting-Our-Time. Tepp: Hehehe. DM: The king is not convinced that Sekolah sent you. DM: He decides you will be tested. Luna: But we just fought on the ship. DM: The priestess will heal you, but as the sahuagin don't approve of sorcery, you will not be allowed to rest. Luna: Okay. DM: You are matched against an Ettin. -the party wins handily- DM: The king no longer doubts you were sent by Sekolah. Or at least that you are useful to him. DM: He asks that you remove a plague upon the sahuagin race. The rebels on the other end of the city. Sendany: West Side vs. East Side, yo. Sendany: Whoops. Luna: We pretend to agree. DM: He says you will need to retrieve an artifact from the drow section of the city in order to enter the rebels' stronghold.
Luna: Let's confer. Luna: I guess there aren't really drow living here, but if they have a section, it might mean the city connects to the Underdark. Tepp: I'm inclined to agree. Luna: We can't really hope to reach Athkatla from here. Maybe the Underdark trail is a deception, but it's still our best shot. Sendany: I concur. Let's see if we can find an exit to the Underdark. Then fish politics can get bent. Sendany: Also... Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for littering. Tepp: *pouts* Don't suppose MY Kangaxx arm might have ended up here.
DM: The priestess wishes to speak to you in private. DM: She explains that the rebels are not at fault. The king is insane. He is a result of poor breeding. He will lead the sahuagin to ruin. DM: As Sekolah's chosen, she fully expects you will see him replaced. By force. DM: She hands you an orb, which will let the rebels know you do not mean them harm.
Luna: So we'd be doing the world a favor if we helped the king. Luna: Or maybe inaction itself would suffice. Sendany: I too am indifferent. Whatever gets us to the Underdark. Tepp: No arguments from me. Let's get that artifact. DM: A guard standing by the entrance to the drow section warns you that the area is crammed with traps. Sendany: Gotcha. -the party reaches the imps and the game is explained- Sendany: Wow wow! Are these people real? Can I get their autographs? DM: No, they're illusions. Sendany: So Kangaxx can't abuse the real Elminster here? DM: No. Sendany: Is this one of Drizzt's scimitars? DM: No, it's just representative of one of them. Sendany: This game SUCKS. I'm gonna write a negative review. Tepp: Yeah, like, DON'T strive to by some miracle arrive at the City-of-Caverns both alive and considered a friend of the sahuagin, after which you'll navigate through deadly traps and monsters to finally reach the imps so you can play their game. The pieces of the game are not authentic enough. Sendany: 0/10 would not recommend. DM: Well you beat the game and the imps don't have a million of these cloaks and boots to hand out so they're not staying anyway. Sendany: Replayability value rock bottom. -10/10. DM: *sigh* DM: You find a Spectator beholder guarding a chest. Luna: We approach cautiously. DM: He does not seem hostile, though trying to open the chest would likely change that. Luna: I introduce us. DM: He answers in kind. Tepp: (Whoa, I never knew he had a name.) DM: (His name is "I'm about to summon twentyfive adamantite golems".) Tepp: (Dang, Sendy should ask HIM for an autograph.) Luna: I go through some polite phrases and work my way to asking if the city connects to the Underdark. DM: He says that it does indeed. DM: There's a hole in the rebel section that goes straight there. DM: But it's too long a fall for you to survive. You would need a rope. Tepp: Hehe. How does the ocean stay out of these caverns so nicely. Imagine if we could break that enchantment or whatever. We'd flood the entire Underdark. Luna: Not going to happen, prankster. Tepp: Not this time around. But making a mental note. Luna: For when you play a character that isn't afraid of drowning? Hope I won't be in that party. Tepp: A martyr to wipe out all that evil. Luna: Yeah whatever. We still need what's in that chest. And a rope. Tepp: Let me handle the chest. Tepp: Beholder, were you summoned to guard the contents of the chest or just the chest? 'cause we're cool with letting you keep the chest. DM: ... DM: Yeah yeah, I guess if I don't comply you actually WILL try to flood the Underdark. Tepp: You know me so well.
Luna: Would it be in the interests of the sahuagin to keep a rope around? Sendany: I'm sure they make forays into the Underdark for one reason or another. Tepp: It would probably also be in the interests of the drow to limit the possibility. Case in point, this artifact. Luna: Well it's just a rope, not like the drow can keep the sahuagin from scavenging one somewhere. Or making their own. Tepp: True enough. Tepp: I tell the priestess some bullshit story about how we need to go to the Underdark after fulfilling the prophecy. DM: She explains that there's a rope in the royal treasury. The king has the key. Luna: ... Luna: Still don't want to help the sahuagin if we can avoid it. Luna: Better to just aid the king and ask for the rope. Tepp: Or just kill every walking fish in here. Sendany: Are ropes so rare that we need to think this big? DM: You will need a magical rope. Altitude alone is not the problem. The king's rope is magical. Tepp: Working on a "magical barrier" excuse already in case I do try to flood the Underdark, huh? DM: You know me so well.
Sendany: I pickpocket the king. Sendany: Success. Tepp: Naked fish. Pockets. Yeah. DM: Good catch. Sendany steals nothing of value. Further pickpocketing not possible. Tepp: Oops. Sendany: Well where does he keep the bloody key then. DM: Nowhere you can steal it. Move along and be glad I didn't let the court see you.
Tepp: Hear me. Tepp: They tested our worth by pitting us against an ettin. We readily defeated it. No sweat. Tepp: Our victory impressed them. What's to be scared of? Tepp: All in favor of genocide? Sendany: Let's do some choice assassinations to gauge their strength. Luna: Fine. -a few dead fish later- Luna: Well that was easy. Luna: Okay, but still no genocide. Just get the rope and avoid conflict after that. Let's save our strength for Irenicus. Tepp: We could kill the king yet aid his soldiers should civil war erupt. Sendany: Good thinking.
The party wipes out the court and acquires the rope and the Cloak of Mirroring and aid the king's soldiers on their way to the Underdark exit. As they climb down the hole, it's uncertain which side will win, but as the darkness engulfs the group, they find themselves caring little for fish politics. Their minds are set on first hand finding Irenicus, second hand finding a way to the surface.
I'm feeling quite prolific so I expect to be wrapping the whole campaign up before long. It's more about proofreading so I don't have to retcon something huge right now. However don't feel rushed to keep up with my pace as I don't expect to be doing the ToB campaign. Once this one is over I don't think I'll be doing more, at least not for a while.
DM: The Underdark is dark. Tepp: Really. DM: Ahead of you is a corridor. Tepp: Wow, let's not head down the corridor and climb back up instead. Tepp: Sendy, take the Cloak of Mirroring since Waffles hates the whole mechanic. Tepp: And then scout ahead. Sendany: I can't see shit here. Tepp: Good job rolling a human if you aren't even going to dual class. Tepp: Group Infravision: On. Sendany: I scout ahead. Sendany: I trip like twice. Tepp: Are you trying to roleplay being unaccustomed to infravision? Sendany: No, I'm trying to roleplay still not being able to see where I'm putting my feet because the cloak put this glowy thing under them. Sendany: Also, I might as well roleplay not being able to hide. Tepp: Can we just head down the empty corridor and talk to the merchants. DM: Sure. DM: The merchants greet you in the deep gnome tongue. Luna: I ask them politely to speak Common. DM: They apologize and comply. They don't meet many surfacers. DM: Except those two that passed by recently, one points out. Tepp: *cough* DM: ...I mean except that one that passed by recently, two point out. DM: One points out. Luna: Irenicus! Luna: I ask them to describe him. DM: They describe someone who looks like Irenicus. Luna: Could it be someone else? Tepp: Have you seen his bloody face. Who else would want to look like that. Luna: Where did he go? DM: He headed for the nearby drow city, Ust Natha. Tepp: Lore check. DM: Success. Ust Natha has been the staging point of many drow attacks on their surface kin. DM: Suffice to say, it is a well defended city and storming it would be suicide. Especially if Irenicus is there. Luna: I wonder if we have any other option. Let's ask around. Luna: By the way, I don't suppose these merchants sell chocolate? Tepp: Of course they do, did you miss all the cocoa and sugarcane plantations earlier? Tepp: I buy a Freedom scroll. Actually, all of them, just in case. Tepp: Oh, and I inquire until I actually have a reason to use one scroll. Hehe.
DM: You approach a swirly portal. An elemental appears. Tepp: I send my five hasted magical swords at it and call for a dinner break while they keep destroying the elementals. DM: Uh, okay. Did you order anything? Tepp: Well not for you, you're gonna be rolling for the next ten minutes. My swords will move on to the other portals when- DM: Your summons, your rolls. Tepp: ... Tepp: Just give us 250k experience and let's have dinner. DM: Deal.
DM: The Freedom spell frees a mage, Vithal, from the confines of the Imprisonment spell. DM: He wonders if he has been freed to do battle. Tepp: Nope, we're nice. Tepp: But since he's clearly a surfacer he must have a special reason to be here. Whatever his plans are, we are now part of them. DM: He explains that after much research he believes he has found a way to cross the planes using the swirly portals. DM: He intends to plunder several elemental planes. If you help him, part of the loot is yours. DM: But he needs his book of rituals. He dropped it before he was imprisoned and now he can't find it. DM: Should you find it, he'll be at one of the portals. -the party heads north and kills some drow, and then frees all the victims of imprisonment, sparing every life possible- Luna: That svirfneblin town sounds like somewhere we should go. The deep gnomes seem friendly.
DM: The gnomes allow you to pass, but ask that you... on your best behavior be. Luna: I thank them. Tepp: I talk to every gnome with a name. DM: One named Goldander understands your problem, and believes he can be of assistance. DM: A creature named Adalon- Tepp: Is she a deep gnome? DM: No, she's a wondrous- Tepp: Does she have an eyepatch? DM: ... Tepp: Is she a woman? DM: Elan is your idol*, admit it. And shut up. DM: Adalon can likely counsel you, but to see her you will need a Light Gem. Sendany: Hmm, emptying the gem bag. DM: You don't have one in there. Sendany: Are you sure? This pearl for example feels rather light compared to a diamond. DM: Not a light gem, a Light Gem. Sendany: Oh so now it's okay to be a bitch about capitalization when we're actually speaking. DM: A VERY SHINY GEM OKAY CAN WE CONTINUE. DM: Goldander has such a stone, and will give it to you in exchange for a favor. Tepp: Find a stool, I don't think Waffles can give him a favor even if she gets on her knees. Luna: Nice job revealing that I'm playing a tall race. Tepp: I'm not surprised that was your chief concern. DM: *sigh* DM: The gnomes were a bit too diggy and found something nasty. You have to kill it and then undig the hole with the Earthshape scroll provided. Luna: Okay, that sounds like a plan.
Tepp: Sendy, a fateful choice will be made again. Sendany: This is painful. Tepp: Before long, both the limbs will be gone. So it doesn't really matter which one goes. Sendany: I'll go, no problem. Sendany: Just one crime to repeat on the list. Because three is a magic number. -the party brings the balor to the brink of death- Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for colonoscopic malpractice. DM: The balor dies, along with a little of my faith in humanity. Sendany: I throw my Kangaxx arm down the hole. Sendany: I mean, the hole the gnomes dug. Sendany: Not the hole- DM: Yeah, we get it. Tepp: I don't, please elaborate. Luna: You were concerned the leg was useless, but I am quite close to taking it and framing Kangaxx for kicking both of you down this hole THAT THE GNOMES DUG. Sendany: Sheesh, no need to be so specific. What other hole could you even be talking about? Tepp: I use the Earthshape scroll. DM: The cavern looks like it did before the gnomes started digging. DM: Goldander gives you the Light Gem. Sendany: It's kind of heavy- DM: Don't. Start. DM: He also gives you a magical mace. Skullcrusher +3. Luna: Wow, at long last I have a +3 weapon. DM: Could have had a pretty amazing one long ago if the jackass didn't leave the de'Arnise Keep without restoring the flail. Tepp: It was on the list of things to do. I blame you for letting the Roenalls have the keep as soon as we left. DM: Because of the manner in which you left. Sendany: I don't think the readers know. Tepp: We'll tell them when we have some time off. DM: You ALWAYS have time off. There's no real timer. Tepp: Then we'll wait until we tend to have timers so we can tell it in our spare time. DM: Suit yourselves.
DM: You receive some lousy bracers for saving some guy's son and you pick up the mage's book of rituals. Tepp: Okay, we return it to the mage. Tepp: Right, listen up sir mage. Tepp: We don't care for the lousy stick you're gonna end up giving us, or even for the things you'll keep for yourself. Tepp: We ask but one thing in exchange for our services. Tepp: *tears welling up* Luna: It's NOT tragic to give up the final limb, okay. Sendany: Yes it is. Sendany: I thought women liked sensitive men. Luna: Only officially. Tepp: On that note, do you know of a greater turnoff? Luna: Several, but that one is both effective and always available. Tepp: Good to know. Anyway, back to Vithal. Tepp: He will drop Kangaxx' remaining leg on one of the planes. We don't want to know which. He will tell no one else anything of it. Tepp: Preferably, he will forget it ever happened. DM: He is perplexed, but he agrees. Tepp: We also assume he will guard his secrets of planar travel very well. DM: He will. Tepp: Okay, let's go. Fire gate. DM: A guardian appears. It is a fire elemental. Tepp: Do tell us of how he uses Burning Hands on it. Tepp: Clearly it takes a bloody genius to figure out planar travel. DM: Let's wrap this trivial miniquest up, okay? Tepp: Sure. DM: The mage is relieved you were honorable businessmen. He wishes you good luck. Sendany: I subtly pickpocket him, but only to confirm the leg is gone. DM: It is. Luna: Let's see this Adalon now.
DM: (I'm surprised you didn't want to run off and get all three ritual items first.) Tepp: (I've done that so many times. Like first, she asks for them, and I have the option to say I already acquired this one, or that one, but I can't say I have all three.) Tepp: (So I have to like talk to her again and then she just takes all three and pretends I only got one.) Tepp: (Every time I hope it will be different, that she will instantly drop her dark panties before my might.) Tepp: (Every time, I am disappointed. The bloody bitch is more impressed I killed the sorry Solaufein, even. So no. We will wait until we receive the quest, and then we will take our time and get ONE of the items.) Tepp: (My heart can't bear to be broken again.)
DM: Adalon's cavern is bloody huge and yet you are all too stupid to suspect she's a dragon. Tepp: Also a woman. DM: Not because of the size of her lair. Tepp: If Waffles' chocolate consumption weren't limited by our economy, that logic might not hold. DM: Riveting story, chap. DM: Adalon is a bit upset because Irenicus stole her eggs and gave them to the drow. DM: She is tasked with upholding peace between the surface elves and the drow, but she has been informed that if she interferes with their plans they will be serving omelet in Ust Natha. DM: If you help her get her eggs back, she will grant you safe passage to the surface, the same way Irenicus left. DM: You may also have a pretty useless crossbow. Luna: And how does she propose we do that? DM: You infiltrate Ust Natha. She will disguise you as drow. Do whatever you need to do to get her eggs back. Luna: Any objections? Sendany: Shiny silver scales. Good dragon. Probably nice. Tepp: No objections. Yet anyway. Luna: Okay, we agree. DM: She casts a powerful illusion spell that disguises you all as drow, and teaches you to speak their dark tongue fluently. DM: She also recommends- Tepp: Okay, now I object. Nobody will be called Veldrin. DM: Why not? Tepp: Let's talk about the fundamentals of drow society. Breed, Betray, Behead. Tepp: It is imperative for them to breed like all the time to not exterminate themselves with their constant killing. Tepp: Furthermore, when it comes to elves, it's hard to tell men from women. They all look like women. Sendany: Especially the women. Tepp: You didn't mess that joke up at all. Tepp: My point is, a drow needs to have a name that speaks their gender. You can't run around with a unisex name like Veldrin. They wouldn't know what to do with you. DM: Then I'd sympathize with them. Tepp: So let us pick our own names. DM: Do you know anything about drow names? Tepp: Watch and learn. Inspired by the name Solaufein, I will be Yolofein. Luna: Here we go... Sendany: Inspired by the name Zaknafein Do'Urden, I shall be Swagnafein Do'Urmom. Tepp: Bahaha! I'm Sendy's brother. Kangaxx high five... aww, we can't anymore. Luna: Truly a tragedy. Luna: Actually... Luna: I'll go with the Drizzt theme and be Maya Do'Urmom. Tepp: That's funny because Maya sounds like may I. DM: Aha. Sendany: Her manners put us all to shame. Luna: Can we go to the fucking city now. Sendany: Okay, not anymore.
* Order of the Stick, strip 0266. Always makes me laugh.
DM: The city looks pretty cool. DM: You've been expected. You are sent to talk to one Solaufein. Tepp: Okay, everyone act as wimpy as can be without blowing our cover. Let me do the talking whenever possible. Luna: We can't be wimpy at all. We're drow. Tepp: The drow can't argue our efficiency even if we act all emasculated. Tepp: Look, I've been really nice since... since, you know. Luna: I know. Luna: You have. Luna: Okay, if you say so. Tepp: We act like wimps when talking to Solaufein. DM: (I can't even understand why you would do this.) Tepp: (Good.) DM: Solaufein looks down on you and tells you to go to the city entrance. Tepp: Consider it done. Tepp: We keep acting like wimps before Solaufein and... DM: Imrae. DM: Imrae wonders why the female is being a wimp too. Tepp: (Sound male.) Luna: (I have a female name.) Tepp: (Pft, I'm sure it'll fly as unisex too.) Luna: (I hate you.) Luna: I put on a male voice. DM: Imrae hopes you all get killed but succeed with the task before you. DM: You are to kill some illithid and free some important drow named Phaere. Luna: Okay.
Luna: You better not break the quest with your illithid-repellant brain. Tepp: "Repellant" and "break" mix well in your world, eh. Luna: Ha. Ha. DM: Do you wish to tell Solaufein anything before you start? Sendany: I want to talk about the trauma of my first kill. DM: He's not interested. Sendany: I am hurt. DM: He senses the illithid nearby, and pulls them out of the Astral Plane. Tepp: Okay, kick their asses as hard as possible. -the party kicks the illithid's asses as hard as possible- DM: Phaere is impressed by your fighting skills. Tepp: We only wish we could have solved things peacefully. DM: Phaere is repelled by your lack of balls, and says something about never expecting Solaufein to be the manliest drow in her presence. DM: You are to return to Ust Natha and meet Phaere at the entrance.
DM: Phaere joins Club Pity The Party, but can't argue your usefulness. DM: She says to meet her at the tavern. Tepp: We meet her at the tavern. DM: She says to meet her at the entrance. Again. Tepp: We meet her at the entrance. Again. DM: She says to meet her at like the other end of the city. Sendany: Is this because we're wimps? Tepp: Nah, women can't make up their minds. DM: Phaere says now you're gonna kill a beholder. DM: Solaufein tries to explain, without breaking the fourth wall, to not hit him or Phaere with any recklessly aimed AoE spells, because they will go bonkers even on the 65% probability that they resist them and the 100% probability that they survive them. DM: Phaere gets interrupted before she can point out that she can outheal the damage anyway. Tepp: We kick the beholder's ass hard. DM: It does not have one. Tepp: Figure of speech. -the beholder gets roflstomped- Luna: Wow, so you can kill beholders without whipping out the cheeseshield. Sendany: I do the cloak dance. Luna: You don't have one. Sendany: Do now. DM: Phaere says to meet her at the tavern.
DM: Okay, now you have some time off. DM: The readers are dying to know of some quests. Tepp: Fortunate it is that the journal automagically divides itself into completed and unfinished quests. Tepp: I bet the readers want to know why Waffles keeps whining about beholders and cheese. Tepp: It's because we used a certain shield during the Unseeing Eye quest. Luna: And you laughed to no end about how effortlessly we defeated the beholders. Sendany: While pointing out there's no such thing as a Challenge Rating in second edition. Luna: You were the one pointing that out. Tepp: Well anyway, Waffles refused to claim a reward for such a stomp. But we did do everything except report success. So we're still heroes. Luna: At least you conceded a good deed is its own reward. Luna: Not all character progress is measured in experience points. Tepp: Well, you were the one closest to a level up, so it was indirectly rewarding. Luna: Bah. DM: Sendany also had to wait unnecessarily long to get a +3 weapon. Luna: Yeah, here we go. Luna: Your dumbest project ever. And that's saying a lot. Tepp: *sniff* It involved Kangaxx... Sendany: A toast to the petty criminal, Kangaxx! Tepp: Indeed, a toast. Luna: Just for the record, we did at least kill the Shade Lord as we fled the Umar dungeon. Before these stories make us seem totally incompetent. Sendany: We finished Mae'var off, but Horsebreath wouldn't go turn it in immediately. Sendany: Because he wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Stock up on Feeblemind scrolls. Tepp: Which, naturally, takes us to the de'Arnise Hold. Because everyone knows there's one such scroll behind Tor'Gal. DM: "Everyone" also knows there however aren't enough scrolls overall to do what you wanted to do. Tepp: My memory can't be perfect. Intelligence is for mages. Tepp: So anyway, being logistically-minded as I am, we picked up the fire and acid heads on our way to Tor'Gal. Sendany: And then you wanted to not put the stew in the right place. Tepp: Hehe, no. Sendany: Must be pointed out how well isolated our backpacks are. The umber hulks can like instantly smell the stew from like three rooms away, but not as we walk right past them. Tepp: Like he said, we sneaked past the umber hulks. Improved Invisibility and stuff. Great spell, for the record. Easy +4 saving throws. Tepp: Then we killed Tor'Gal. And looted the stuff behind him. Got that scroll. Tepp: And then I wanted to use the stew to lure the umber hulks all the way to Kangaxx' sarcophagus. Tepp: And ultimately put it inside, because you can put things in it, but not take them out. Sendany: Good buddy Kangaxx would have six umber hulks protecting him instead of those lousy minotaurs. DM: Logistically-minded as you are, you couldn't complete the flail and report success before starting your two digit hours Arnise-Athkatla gauntlet. Tepp: A small oversight, yes. Luna: Also, there were only five umber hulks in the room. Tepp: Yet the bloody stove keeps saying the pot is full enough to feed six for some reason. Luna: Stoves don't speak. Tepp: Wish you didn't. Tepp: Yeah anyway, the Lord of the Level had our umber hulk entourage killed as soon as we entered the Gates District. Sendany: A toast to the umber hulks. They fought bravely. Tepp: A toast, a toast. DM: Else I would have had them starve to death. Tepp: A toast to like the only beings in the game that actually require sustenance. Sendany: A toast, a toast. Tepp: The minotaurs did fine without, for example.
Sendany: And when we returned to the keep, it was like locked and stuff. Roenall property. Sendany: Nalia was not too pleased with the delay in reporting success. Sendany: Nor was she, for some reason, impressed by me juggling the two now-useless flail heads. Sendany: She did not like us at all. Tepp: A toast to your ability to juggle two items. Sendany: Thank you! A toast to your creativeness. Tepp: Yeah anyway, then we got really mad with the DM and forgot about Renal until we made the Shadow Thieves angry- Sendany: -but not before subtly disposing of Arkanis Gath at the cost of a Kangaxx leg, if anyone didn't catch it- Tepp: -so Renal didn't wanna stay for us to report success. Tepp: And then we kinda had to get the Celestial Fury to make Sendy stop crying. DM: You realize, by the way, that no one has called you out on an inconsistency. DM: You never did the Windspear dungeon, yet you had the Illithid Correspondence to dump in Kangaxx' sarcophagus. Tepp: Um... Tepp: (Is it Tazok that has the key? I hope it's Tazok.) Tepp: (Who the hell keeps track of what DigDag drops and what Tazok drops. Maybe some metagamer who kills DigDag at the entrance.) Tepp: Tazok was sore about some of our history and sought us out. Much encouraged by Firkraag. Sendany: That's canon now. Tepp: Yep. Many toasts to it. Sendany: Twenty toasts to Tazok's vendetta. Tepp: It's your job to call that out, anyway. DM: Fine. DM: And why did you not do the Planar Prison? Tepp: 'cause we set ourselves up perfectly for not getting more than two pairs of Boots of Speed before this campaign was over. Tepp: Even one pair now, as it turns out. Tepp: Would have been endless whine about not everyone having a pair. I'm a nice guy, really. Sendany: Could also just have sold them if that were the issue. Where my Gauntlets of Weapon Skill, bro? Tepp: Bah, you'll get better ones. Tepp: (Wonder if they will actually be in the vampire lair now that we wiped out the guild prematurely. Drat.) DM: There's another thing the readers wonder. DM: I wonder it too. DM: It's a rather fundamental thing that everyone should have been told by now, really. Tepp: (Oh shit oh shit.) DM: What's Luna's deity? Tepp: (Whew.) Luna: Selûne. Tepp: Really creative there. Luna, follower of Selûne. Sendany: A toast to her creativity! Tepp: Yeah whatever, a toast. Luna: Would have been so original if Selûne were called Selemene, wouldn't it. Tepp: Don't think anyone here plays Dota 2, and if they do I don't think they care about the "lore". DM: Hmm. DM: So a cleric of Selûne first tries to stop the execution of a cleric of Shar, and then performs the deed herself. Luna: I didn't know the drow was a cleric of Shar. Luna: Also, we agreed Kangaxx did it. Sendany: She's right! Kangaxx climbs the criminal ladder. Tepp: A toast to Kangaxx, slayer of twelve! Sendany: A toast, a toast! Sendany: I bet Luna always wanted to have one or two limbs for herself. It was very insensitive of us not to share. Tepp: Well, if sensitive turns her off- Luna: I kick Tepp in the balls. OOC.
Comments
Wizard:I search the tree...Natural 20!
DM:You find nothing.
Wizard:B-but...That was my first natural twenty...
Fighter:Aw man. He looks like hes about to cry.
DM:...You know what? You find a diamond.
Wizard:I do?!
DM:You do.
Bard:I search a rock! I rolled a 17!
DM:You find an angry swarm of spiders that bite your face.
Bard:Again?!
As a DM, it sucks to see players roll natural twenties and get no reward for it, so here wizard. Have a diamond.
Alora: I am Alora, the Sorceress. I'm Lawful Evil, so I'll play by the rules, but don't expect me to get all mushy eyed about saving some farmers daughter for a pittance! If there's coin to be had, I'm having it! Got it! I'm as bad as ketchup on eggs and I'm ready to make some fat stacks!
Ducky: Hi guys! My name is Ducky! I like swords! I'm a Paladin! I'm a good boy! My momma always told me to be a good boy! She told me I could be real strong one day! I could fight with BIG swords! Poppa always told me you ain't gotta be smart to hit them with the pointy end! The people in the big tower told me I had a 'negative modifier to my Intelligence rolls', whatever that means, and wouldn't let me play with the other kids. Instead I spent all day hitting things with big swords! I'm so strong, I once won a bet that I could beat up Jondalar and Erik holding the biggest sword AND the biggest shield in the keep AT THE SAME TIME! It was a pretty big deal, my momma told me.
Tush: I'm Tush, you can call me the Four-Finger Discount around these parts. If it isn't nailed down, I'll steal it; and if it walks, I've nailed it! I wasn't always a Thief, I used to be an Omenspeaker! Blah blah blah The Lord of Murder shall perish. Blah blah blah, each and every day non-stop! It would be enough to drive any man to drink! After a couple of unpaid tabs at the bar that old' kidder Winthrop took my wedding ring, and the finger with it, he did! Had to start lifting to pay it all off. Once I was back at the bottle, I was back to the stealing, though. Turns out I was pretty good at it, after all! Always was too talented to be a chanter! All I need is a tankard of me' old ale and, for all I care, all this good, evil, order, chaos, nonesense is none of my buisness.
Randall: I'm Randall the Raven. You guys are putting way to much bullshit thought into this game. Lets just get on with it! I want to shoot things with this big ass bow! Oh, Tush, you say you like the ladies? Well I have a higher Charisma than you so I say I've banged every lady you have! I don't have any backstory because this is stupid. I'm a Ranger because these walls are lame and I go hang out in the woods with the wolves unlike you pansies.
Flower: My name is Flowers-Absorbing-Sunshine-Making-Beautiful-Light, but you can call me Flower. My parents were kind of hippies, you could say, so I'm a Druid. We never really bought into any of these so called 'gods' or the fancy tricks the local priests would play for the dumb masses. Instead we learned about all the beauty and wonder that nature can bring us. Even though I never worshiped what I considered to be false idols, I was capable of performing incredable feats of healing! One time a local drunk came into my shop complaining about some foulness of his loins, but I was able to cure him just by willing it to happen! I'm a staunch pacifict, so I'll be the moral support if there's any trouble!
DM: AND I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MASTER OF DICE! TREMBLE BEFORE THE HORRORS I SHALL UNLEASH UPON YOU! BUWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
...
*Blank stares*
DM: *cough* Ok then. Let's get started, shall we?
Alora: Dibs. I'll call the shots around here!
Ducky: The strongest lead! Thats the way it should work!
Tush: *burp* what's this you're all talkin' about? Leading! I'll lead us straight to the closest tavern, I say!
Randall: I'm not wasting my time talking to random idiots we meet in ever shit-hole town we come across. You can waste your time with that.
Flower: I'm not the 'front and center' kind of gal, I'll be at the back most of the time so I'm out.
DM: So It's between the Paladin and the Sorceress, eh?
Ducky: My momma always told me to do the right thing! I'll make sure we're all good!
Alora: What's in it for me when I'm the boss, DM?
DM: Mostly just constant danger, but the potential for unlimited power...
Ducky: I like power!
DM: From a source of ultimate darkness and evil.
Ducky: ...
Alora: Dibs
Alora: I was born for this part! You'd suck at this, Paladin!
Ducky: Keep your evil witch hands away from me! Witches turn people into newts! I don't like newts!
DM: You begin inside Winthrop's Tavern. All the regulars are there. Tush, the local drunk, sits in the corner
Tush: ...SO THEN HE SAID, THAT'S NOT A PENGUIN! HE'S RETARDED! BAHAHAHA *burp*
DM: Flowers is working as the bar wench...
Flower: WHAT! I'm not some WENCH! I'm a WOMAN! Why am I serving ale like some sterotypical consumerist pig?!
DM: I just need you in the same room
Flower: I'm a healer, you know! Not one of those snake-oil salesmen a the Temple, either! Damnit DM, I'm a Doctor!
DM: There's only like 20 people in this whole damn keep, and they're not all hurt at the same time. You have to have a day job! Plus, you're a druid so you brew the best damn ale this side of the Sword Coast, OK?!
Flower: ... that's better, but i'm NO WENCH!
Tush: Send me some ale, wench!
Flower: I throw whatever I'm holding at him *nat 20*
DM: Randall is...
Randall: No I'm not.
DM: Randall is inside....
Randall: NO I'M NOT! I'm not anywhere near you guys until you're done with these stupid tutorials! I'll be watching TV in the next room until you're ready. *walks away*
DM: And Ducky is standing at the bar admonishing the people for drinking publicly at such an early hour
Ducky: Yeah! You should all be doing... things... like.... work!
Tush: I call the bouncers
DM: Ducky is the bouncer
Tush: THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING BAR EVER!
DM: Dude, like 20 people...
Tush: Hold on, we should buy some more of these awesome Bags of Holding
DM: What? There are no bags of holding this early!
Tush: *holds up his coin purse*
Tush: These. These Bags of Holding. We need bigger ones. Sew what we have together.
DM: They're just tiny sacks.
Tush: Yeah, full of gold!
DM: So?
Tush: Come on, this is basic stuff here. Gold has a densisty of 19.3 grams per centimeter cubed. The average gold coin weighs about 14 grams. You're telling me I can carry around tens of thousands of these things in this 'tiny sack' without there being some kind of a distortion in space-time occuring within!? I think not. Now get sewing, wench!
Luna: The best chocolate is sold near the Government District. I want that.
Luna: Mmmm.
Luna: So, we've ended up in quite a mess.
Tepp: We. Yep. Sendany and I share the guilt.
Sendany: I don't like sharing, I want all of it.
Luna: If you were half as witty when it came to actually doing something right, we'd be bringing Irenicus to justice by now.
Tepp: Justice...
Tepp: I know someone else who should be brought to justice.
Luna: Do you?
Tepp: Yeah. Kangaxx.
Tepp: I take my Kangaxx arm out of my backpack.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for shoplifting.
Luna: Really.
Sendany: Ha! I take mine out too.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for poking the angry shopkeeper's nose.
Luna: Okay, we're leaving.
DM: The party makes its way to the Government District. An agitated crowd can be heard in the distance, seemingly gathered around a pole to which someone is tied.
Luna: That might not be a legal execution.
Luna: We head to check it out.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for defacing a public building.
DM: Upon closer inspection, the person tied to the pole is a drow woman, and before you are able to reach her, you hear that she is to be punished for no other crime than her race.
Luna: That's not right.
Luna: I protest loudly. One cannot choose what one is born as.
DM: The fanatics will hear none of your protests, and there are no sympathetic ears in the crowd.
DM: They seem intent on burning the drow forthwith.
Luna: We need to intervene.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for fondling.
Luna: Seriously! Give me those.
Luna: I take the golden arms from the morons.
Luna: Framing Kangaxx for flailing his arms around randomly. Hilarious!
DM: Luna casts Sunfire.
Luna: WHAT?
DM: You happened to cause the fingers to form that spell.
Luna: But I uttered no freaking incantation!
DM: None needed. You have Vocalize.
Luna: That's ridiculous. So if Horsebreath had the amulet he could cast spells infinitely-
Tepp: We should try.
Luna: No.
Luna: I need to have magical energy to shape to cast a spell. Not just wave my hands, or as it were, Kangaxx' hands.
DM: There was residual energy in the limbs.
Luna: This is because I forgot about your birthday, isn't it?
DM: ...
DM: No.
DM: The Sunfire spell kills-
Luna: FURTHERMORE, the magical energy does not shape against my intent. I had no intent, let alone ability, to cast an arcane spell.
DM: Kangaxx provided the ability.
Luna: Intent remains absent.
DM: You had such intent.
Luna: Did not. How can you claim to know what's in my head??
DM: ...
DM: Well, it's clearly not birthday dates.
Luna: ...
Luna: FINE! I cast Sunfire.
DM: The Sunfire spell kills everyone around, except the party.
Sendany: Hey, you didn't let the drow roll for magic resistance.
DM: Doesn't matter, she dies even if she resists it apparently.
DM: The party's reputation hits rock bottom-
Sendany: Yeah, because we were so far away from that.
DM: -and a Cowled Wizard teleports in.
DM: He reprimands you about an unsanctioned use-
Luna: Bite me.
Luna: I tell him to show me the law.
DM: The law states that whoever casts-
Luna: Define cast. Because it was Kangaxx shaping the spell, not I.
DM: ...
DM: You can't kill a dozen people and blame two golden limbs.
Tepp: Yeah, because this guy totally cares who did or didn't get killed by the Sunfire.
Luna: Horsebreath is right. The consequences of the spell are not the enforcer's concern.
Luna: If I did cast the Sunfire spell, it wouldn't have hit me too now WOULD IT.
DM: You didn't argue when I said YOU cast the spell.
Luna: But you made me roll for saving throw and damage, so get bent.
DM: *groan* Okay, the enforcer reprimands the golden limbs and then summons his colleagues to teach them a lesson.
Luna: Fine by me.
Sendany: Not fine by us. This was Kangaxx' first offense. He should get away with a warning.
DM: *sigh* Kangaxx gets away with a warning and the enforcer and his colleagues leave.
Tepp: Should have asked him to take us to Spellhold.
DM: There's still the issue of your reputation being rock bottom.
Luna: But Kangaxx cast the spell, we just talked about that.
DM: Those who observed at safe distance don't understand that. The word will spread that your party killed a dozen people, most of them innocent.
Tepp: Wow, so it's about what's being witnessed? Can we just kill people when nobody's watching without losing half our reputation then?
DM: ...
DM: Okay, you didn't lose reputation.
Luna: Speaking of reputation, didn't we get any for wiping out the guilds?
DM: If you want me to retcon that, then I'll retcon your rolls on the Sunfire spell too.
Luna: Be that way then.
Luna: Are these arms going to cause more surprises?
DM: ...
DM: If this campaign goes on for a year and you still have them, who knows.
Tepp: Waffles, just resurrect all these dead people. At least the crowd. That should net us quite some reputation.
DM: I'm not giving you reputation for that.
Tepp: Wow, I bet if we hypothetically were to find ourselves in a besieged city, and a man died to a catapult boulder, and we resurrected HIM, we would get permanent reputation for the deed even though the only ones who saw it and survived the siege would be us and the main villain.
Tepp: Hey, maybe the besieging army's scouts saw it and spread the word that damn, those three are some nice fellas. I hope they come out here and kick our asses and even kill our immortal Bhaalspawn general. Our mothers would be proud to know we got slain by such righteous beings.
Sendany: Or maybe someone in the city tweeted about it. #bhaalspawn #gooddeed #saradush
DM: I hate you so much.
DM: Fine, if you want to rest and rez over and over, you get one reputation point per resurrected innocent.
Luna: Okay, these arms have caused enough trouble. I put them in my backpack.
Sendany: Aww.
Sendany: I take out the golden torso from mine.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for public nudity.
Tepp: Give me that!
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for public wallhumping.
Luna: So what, you think wallhumping is fine if it's done in private?
Luna: Actually, don't answer.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for mooning.
Tepp: Kind of hard to moon with just the torso. It's a gray area.
Luna: *sigh*
Luna: I take the golden arms out again.
Sendany/Tepp: Yayyyyy!
Luna: Framing Kangaxx for double colonoscopic malpractice.
Ducky: I did!
DM: Sure, why not? You remembered that...
Ducky: Oh my god, oh my god, tell my mom for me!
DM: ...
Ducky: If I get one more sticker, she'll make me a WHOLE cake!
DM: You're Lawful-Stupid, not a person with a mental disability!
Ducky: That's not what the mean Mage in the tower said! Someone min/maxed me when I was a kid! I didn't have a choice!
Tush: BAHAHAHA! *burp*Show me on the paper doll where the mean mage touched ya!
DM: Enough! You remember that your buddy Helm asked a favour this morning. Seems he forgot his sword back at the Barracks. Go fetch it for him.
Ducky: Okie dokie! *walks away*
Tush: The Barracks, eh? Been a while since I took a stroll around there... at least outside the cells. I wonder which Wanda is on duty; the sexy one or the naughty one?
Alora: As much fun as it would be to let Tush catch the *herm* SMALL pox again, lets go kill some defenseless animals, instead! Reevor mentioned something about some coin.
DM: Ducky, as you walk into the Barracks the Captain of the Guard, Fuller, is on duty. He strikes up a conversation with you
Fuller: Ducky! I'm glad you're here. Wait, why are you here? You're supposed to be watching that stupid drunken thief! Remember, keeping him out of trouble!
Ducky: Sure have been! He was trying to take a scroll from a chest in the bar this morning. I made sure the other guards didn't notice. Kept him out of trouble, just like you asked! Tell my momma I get a sticker!
Fuller: ...Damnit boy! If you wern't my only son I swear I'd have fed you to the ducks long ago!
Ducky: Is that why you called me Ducky?
Fuller: YOU KNOW why I call YOU Ducky! Your brother should have survived that day! But NO! HE had to get hit by the bolt to the neck. You just HAD to DUCK!
Ducky: ...
Fuller: Why are you here!?
Ducky: Hull forgot his sword. I'm getting it for him. It's pretty, and big, and I like it.
Fuller: Hull! Ahh, my boy, you just made my day. Someone else I can feed to the ducks without hearing your mother nag about it. Fetch me some bolts, would you?
Ducky: I have some right here, poppa.
Fuller: You make it really hard to hate you sometimes, boy. Now look, I have a really important job for you, ok?
Ducky: I'm important!
Fuller: Sure, but not as important as The Black Lady.
Ducky: ... momma says I'm the most important per...
Fuller: SHUT THE HELL UP! Gorion's up to something and asked me for the strongest brute I have, which unfortunately is neither my wisest nor my smartest brute. He's also my son.
Ducky: You are talking about me, right?
Fuller: sigh... Yes, Ducky, I'm talking about you. You have to follow that blasted witch around and keep her out of trouble.
Ducky: Got it.
Fuller: I MEAN IT! REALLY OUT OF TROUBLE! No screwing this up, OK!?
Ducky: Got it.
Fuller: Before you go... I have a weapon for you. It's the sharpest blade in the whole keep, so keep it close and keep HER safe!
Ducky: A sword! You're giving me a new sword! How big is it! Give it, give it, give it!
DM: Fuller opens his belt sheaf and removes his personal dagger. Something he's told you a thousand times is a family heirloom and NOT a toy.
Ducky: Seriously.... this? This isn't big! It isn't anything!
Fuller: It's better than you deserve and wouldn't be getting a damn thing if it wasn't for that bastard Witch of Gorion's! Keep it close and it'll save your dumb skin, I bet! Now get out of here before I finish cocking my crossbow!
Ducky: I walk out forgetting that I was supposed to get something for someone.
Dm: What are you doing?
Flower: I'm occupying the Temple of Helm! These FALSE PROPHETS are duping everyone in this keep! They don't pay any of the taxes and take what little the poor have left when THEY do! And for what! False promises!
DM: I really don't know what you're trying to accomplish here...
Flower: Look at this poor man here!
DM: Which poor man?
Flower: The one with the sick cow over there, covered in the fruits of the earth!
DM: *rolls* You pass a Scent check, he does not smell anything like 'fruit'
Flower: The archtype of the working class! Toiling to raise his cow, his only worldly possesion, only to see it fall ill. And how does the Temple feel about this!? They DEMAND PAYMENT to cure his cow! They rub some scented oils and sing a gibberish incantation and expect the GODS to intervene!
DM: The existance of Gods and divine magic is a fact in this universe. You're attempting to turn people into athiests when the KNOWN consequence of such a path is eternal suffering in the Wall of the Damned!
Flower: Bullshit! Just another made up story.
DM: So what do you intend to do?
Flower: I'll heal this poor sick cow for free, obviously! You won't see ME demanding payment for doing THE RIGHT THING!
DM: Fine, you heal the cow. It's still poisoned, though.
Flower: Ohh.... well, I don't know how to cure that, yet.
DM: You could always buy a potion from the Temple...
Flower: What was that? I think I heard someone being attacked by a Rat. Better go see if they need help *runs away*
DM: Everyone is back together again, I see.
Alora: Lets get on with this then...
Imoen: Hi-ya! What's going on!?
Tush: DM, why is your little sister here?
DM: She wanted to see what we were doing
Imoen: Lookie, dice! How many does this one count to?
Ducky: 11
Alora: NO! No way! I'm in charge, and I say your little sister is NOT ALLOWED! I'm not censoring anything I say for the sake of their small ears!
DM: Come on guys, she just wants to have some fun and then she'll get bored
Imoen: I'm going to be a Thief!
Tush: I'M THE THIEF!
Imoen: Then I'll be a Thief AND a Mage
Alora: NO! I'M THE MAGE! YOU'RE A CHILD AND SHOULD NOT BE PLAYING THIS GAME!
DM: How old were you when you first played Baldur's Gate?
Alora: ... shut up.
DM: Alora and Ducky, you managed to survive the ambush that killed Gorion.
Alora: Why would you throw an encounter like that at us RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE!?
DM: Just go along with it. You make your way to the roads where you see Flower. Seems she was recently exiled from Candlekeep for spreading heresy.
Flower: The people deserve to be free from their oppressors!
DM: Before his death Gorion told you it was imperitave that you make your way to the Friendly Arm Inn...
Alora: Yeah yeah yeah, lets go back to the ambush site.
DM: What? Why?
Alora: Goiron had this sweet magical belt he always wore and I want it
DM: You really should stay on the road at this stage...
Alora: Less talk, more loot!
DM: Fine, you loot the corpse of your still warm father. As you get back to the road...
Tush: *POOF* I appear from a smoke bomb
Tush: Hey guys, have you seen Flower... FLOWER! Great, you're here! You gotta help me out! You're gone five seconds and Winthrops brings out that piss-coloured lager from three winters ago! He even doubled the price! I can't live like this! Make me a batch of the good stuff!
Flower: Not going to happen. We're in adventure mode, now! You'll have to wait until we reach the Friendly Arm Inn before I can make more booze.
Randall: I enter the stage from the shadows like a boss. There's smoke and some birds crow and shit.
Randall: You four are the worst. What's that? A magic letter opener?
Ducky: My poppa gave it to me
Randall: It looks like nail file for a Halfling
Ducky: SHUT UP! It's not that little!
Tush: You have anything important to say or are you just being an asshole? I'm thirsy and you're wasting time.
Randall: Well you guys were fucking around playing 'come into my castle' like a bunch of children, I was out looking around. Found a ring, a diamond, and this awesome belt! Took it off some slow Ogre... I fucking HATE Ogres!
Alora: That everything?
Randall: Nope, found this belt, too! Here, try this on, Tush!
DM: As Tush throws on the belt, he suddenly turns into a female version of himself!
Tush: I feel weird
Ducky: You look pretty!
Tush: WHAT!?
Alora, Flower, Randall, DM: BAHAHAHA!!!!!
Ducky: I mean like, really pretty!
Tush: THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO ME!
Alora: Looks like you'll have to get used to carrying that big purse, after all!
Flower: Now if I've ever seen a WENCH before, SHE'S got to be one!
Luna: I have an idea.
Luna: We could cross the sea with ERT. Enchantment Repellant Technology.
Tepp: Err...
Luna: With my enchanted plate mail, I can't put on my Ring of Protection. Like, it just won't go on my finger. It hovers there. If I put it on the floor, I can in fact hover over it.
DM: ...
Luna: Look, I'll show you.
DM: Break your finger all you like, but not on my basement floor.
Luna: I clearly need to explain my idea, so.
DM: My. Floor. No. Blood.
Sendany: Is this why you introduce yourself as "Lord of the Level" whenever we go out?
Tepp: (By "whenever", you mean "on the rare occasion that".)
Sendany: (Don't make him cry.)
DM: That is a freaking epic title.
Tepp: Since you have no glass cage, can I just use my mallet on you directly?
DM: Who the hell has a hammer in their sorcerer LARP gear??
Luna: So the idea is that the boat has two layers, the bottom being items of protection and the top being enchanted armors.
DM: Why not just buy a normal boat instead of all that crap. Seriously. I'm not approving this.
Tepp: Wait, it occurs to me that Waffles isn't actually wearing that ring since I see her using that enchanted plate mail all the time.
Luna: I take it off when I sleep.
Tepp: And the ring does you what good then? +2 saving throw against nightmares?
Luna: ...
Luna: Fine, Sendy can have the ring.
Sendany: Yay!
Sendany: By the way, I have a better idea.
Sendany: We go to The Heart and find ourselves some sea turtles on whose backs we'll cross the sea.
Luna: Look, nobody's actually done that.
Luna: What place is this "The Heart" anyway?
Sendany: I don't know.
Sendany: I just know there's a song that goes "Turtles on cliffs of The Heart".
Luna: It's "Total eclipse".
Sendany: ...
Sendany: THANKS for ruining a fond childhood memory.
Luna: There seems to be plenty of childhood left in you, I'm sure you'll replace it in no time.
Sendany: Well ANYWAY, we can still use sea turtles.
DM: If I were absolutely starved for ideas, I might have allowed that for a shorter journey.
DM: No go.
Sendany: Well how about YOU help us fix the plot instead of sitting there shooting down perfectly good suggestions.
DM: How about YOU make the slightest effort instead of framing Kangaxx and conceiving bullshit ideas?
Sendany: This is effort.
DM: *sigh*
DM: Lo, in the distance. The sorcerer spots a man, and has a feeling his name might be Saemon Havarian.
Tepp: You know, the name is spoken with more of a flourish, and a good deal less sarcasm.
Tepp: Anyway. Sendy, hide.
Sendany: Success.
DM: Seriously.
Tepp: Backstab him.
Luna: Nobody attacks an innocent man on my watch.
Tepp: I promise you that you'll eventually wish we had done this.
Tepp: I sounded totally convincing there, for the record.
Luna: *groan* I hesitate to intervene.
Sendany: It's a crit with added lightning damage and the stun.
DM: Naturally.
DM: Since when do you have Celestial Fury, anyway?
Sendany: Uh, since around the time I looted Celestial Fury.
Sendany: Unless you count the brief moment Tepp had it to identify it.
DM: Right.
DM: The man was protected by Stoneskin, and upon noticing the unprovoked hostility, he teleports out.
Sendany: Does not.
Sendany: He still gets zapped and stunned.
DM: *groan*
DM: Look, you wanted the plot fixed, but you're just trying to break it even more.
Tepp: Like I want to endure Waffles debating culpability with him for hours on future occasions.
DM: Don't worry, I'm sure she won't feel he's at fault for any future betrayals after this.
Tepp: Anyway, we kill him and take his boat.
Luna: I take it you just "had a feeling" he might have a boat?
DM: ...
DM: (We both know you don't even need to go to Brynnlaw anymore.)
Tepp: (Do you think I'm gonna pass up seeing the look on Waffles' face when she realizes how well she's "helped" Imoen?)
DM: (Fine, but I am keeping Saemon.)
DM: He had a Ring of Free Action.
DM: He gets away.
Sendany: See, there you go again, working against us.
DM: Armed assault trial defense of the year: The DM clearly wanted me to attack the man instead of doing civil things like talking to him or just ignoring him like another face in the crowd.
Luna: The DM does not understand science, so I'll vouch for him probably being crazy.
DM: Okay really.
DM: Did it occur to anyone to just go to the freaking docks and look for a captain who might be willing to take you to the island?
Tepp: No, but now that you mention it, it does occur to me that Sendy should backstab those captains too.
Tepp: I bet they don't have Stoneskin and Free Action.
Luna: We may have a primitive DM, but Imoen shouldn't suffer for that.
Tepp: *snicker*
Luna: What?
Luna: Anyway, I expect they might want a fair deal of gold for the trip. And, you know, chocolate might be even more expensive on Brynnlaw.
Luna: Let's go on another adventure.
Luna: We come in peace.
Sendany: (Do we?)
Tepp: (Really unrewarding to kill them.)
Sendany: Yep, we do.
DM: They let the party pass.
DM: You enter the cabin and find Valygar in the kitchen, adrenaline pumping.
Luna: We still come in peace.
Tepp: On one condition.
Luna: What?
Tepp: I'm fine with not killing him, but he's not joining the group either.
DM: That puts us at a stalemate.
Tepp: No, he can follow us to the sphere, but he will not at any point be considered a party member.
Luna: Really, what's the difference?
Tepp: The difference is we don't have to remove him later.
Tepp: I, uh, hate goodbyes. Hate saying them, hate listening to them, hate knowing they happen. Hate everything about them.
Luna: I didn't know he was a prospective party member. I want to hear his side of the story.
DM: Valygar explains his ancestor is a meanie with a cool toy that the Cowled Wizards want.
DM: He theorizes that his blood would allow access to said toy.
Tepp: Imagine if we were to acquire said toy.
Tepp: What a bargaining chip it would be.
Luna: For once, I like your train of thought. But I don't see why he can't come with us.
Tepp: I don't trust him. Meanieness runs in the family.
Sendany: I also don't trust him. In fact, I think you are trying to phase me out of the party. Oh sure, Valygar can backstab instead.
Luna: *sigh*
Luna: Fine, Valygar follows us but is not considered a party member.
DM: Valygar's presence opens the door to the sphere, and he waits on the spot for you to go in and kick his ancestor's ass.
DM: Before you is a panel, and there are doors on both sides.
Sendany: Let's go left.
Sendany: I want to call some shots too, you know.
DM: Inside the room is a clay golem. It attacks the party on sight.
Tepp: Oh awesome, I'll go grab a snack while Waffles fights it.
Sendany: Sounds great.
Tepp: You've been leader for about two rounds and you're already taking a break?
Sendany: Don't wanna strain myself.
Luna: Well great, it's not like you two can't use bludgeoning weapons.
Luna: Or Lower Resistance.
Tepp: Three to four castings of a level five spell for a measly golem. Yeah, no.
Sendany: And which blunt weapon do you expect me to keep around? I have two weapon slots. Bow and blade, baby.
Luna: At least give me Haste.
Tepp: Done.
Tepp: Actually... I take my Kangaxx arm out.
DM: Out of your backpack or your-
Tepp: Ha. Ha.
Tepp: Framing Kangaxx for property damage.
Sendany: Now that's more like it! It's even blunt! I bet we're hitting for like 1d5 or so.
DM: Actually, as you pointed out, the limbs are made of pure gold.
DM: Which is a rather soft and malleable material.
Sendany: (I don't recall them feeling neither soft nor malleable.)
DM: Kangaxx' arms are now deformed.
Tepp: Now that does suck.
Sendany: Let's try to somewhat restore them while Waff-
Luna: Don't you start too. I'll just start using your surname if you do.
Luna: How much time are we gonna spend on this golem? It dies after two turns, I heal myself, we move on. Please.
DM: Agreed.
DM: Looting the chests, you find some random treasure, but most importantly some coal and a lever.
DM: Perhaps the lever will fit the panel.
Tepp: I cast True Sight. From my scroll.
Sendany: I attempt to detect illusions.
Luna: I cast True Seeing before they nag my brains out to do it.
DM: None of you detect any illusions.
Tepp: Not even as we scour the storage room, the lobby, the entrance hallway and the observatory on the right?
Tepp: (Please don't make us waste time on the mephit.)
DM: Nope.
Tepp: Oh, 'cause I just had this idea that in the event that inserting and pulling this lever - which is seemingly a requirement to get past the door - causes the sphere to travel to another plane, it would be impossible for anyone else to step into the sphere from the Prime Material Plane.
Tepp: You know, in case any Cowled Wizards would mysteriously appear later and claim they sneaked on board and followed us.
Tepp: Sneaked on board without off-handedly disposing of Valygar just outside, for the record, in case they theorized his blood might still be useful to them.
DM: ...
Tepp: Good. We insert and pull the lever.
-the party progresses all the way to the navigation room and encounters Lavok-
DM: Lavok is mad at you for causing the sphere to travel.
Tepp: Maybe he shouldn't have made the door handle double act as an activation lever. Just saying.
DM: He fights you.
Tepp: Breach.
Sendany: Backstab.
Luna: Uh, cheering or something.
Luna: If he weren't a useless necromancer, at least I could have used True Seeing to contribute.
DM: Lavok declares himself diplomatically immune to death.
DM: He says he's not a real meanie but that a demon within him that seeks to invade the Material Plane made him act like one.
DM: But your asskicking has made it leave him. Good job.
DM: Now he's dying. Not so good job.
Tepp: (Think we can frame Kangaxx somehow?)
Sendany: (Probably too late.)
Luna: Not to sound callous, but do we need him to live?
DM: Only he can operate the sphere to return you to the Prime Material Plane.
DM: He requires a demon heart to power the engine.
Luna: Can I heal him?
DM: No.
Luna: Why?
DM: Because, uh, he's about to die of old age anyway.
DM: You'd better hurry.
Tepp: May we ask him what to actually do with the demon heart and the engine?
DM: He decides that's not worth answering, so you're not even allowed to ask.
DM: But he'll tell you infinitely many times to go get the heart.
DM: So go.
-Tepp makes sure the party explores the outside region in such a way that the Tanar'ri is the last monster they encounter-
DM: Finally, the group happens upon a demon large enough to have a suitable heart.
DM: For reasons probably not at all related to metagaming, the party is already buffed with Free Action.
-the party defeats the Tanar'ri-
Luna: Great, it had a heart.
Luna: Let's hurry to the engine room.
Tepp: One moment. A fateful choice to be made.
Luna: Cut out your tongue?
Tepp: Hmm... if I did, I would need permanent Vocalize.
Luna: Never mind.
Tepp: I'm just thinking, what if the engine were to permanently break down after our intended planar jaunt, and there's no way the sphere could return here.
Sendany: Say no more.
Sendany: Throwing Kangaxx' torso down the cliff.
Tepp: *sniff*
Tepp: We never got to frame him for teabagging.
Sendany: Or inappropriate intimacy with Rylock.
Tepp: Or-
Luna: If we don't power up the engine soon, you can climb down and retrieve it and frame it for everything you can imagine while we fade away on this hellish plane.
Luna: We head to the room with the runes on the floor.
DM: As the party makes its way to what they hope is the engine room, they are surprised by the presence of, um...
Tepp: Not Tolgeiras and another Cowled Wizard, I hope.
Tepp: That wouldn't make sense after our initial precautions.
DM: Indeed it wouldn't.
DM: Unless... they teleported past the door!
Tepp: Pure brilliance.
Tepp: Dimension Door: Panacea for bad DM'ing since forever.
DM: Oh, shut up and fight.
DM: The party finally reaches what must be the engine room.
Tepp: Alright. So we have an arcane engine that we know nothing about, and the one heart that was to be found on this entire plane.
Tepp: Sounds like a great idea to just randomly put it in one of the engine's cavities, yeah?
Tepp: I mean, what if it breaks the engine? What if the heart is destroyed? Both seem like affordable risks...
DM: I DIDN'T WRITE THE MODULE OKAY.
DM: The sorcerer-
Tepp: Waffles is carrying the heart.
DM: THE CLERIC PUTS THE HEART IN THE ENGINE.
DM: The engine shudders and you hope that means it has returned you to the Prime Material Plane. It seems to have broken.
Sendany: Let's loot the room.
Sendany: Ooo, a shiny ring.
Luna: Mine.
Tepp: Let me identify it and we'll see if you still want it.
Luna: I gave him a ring already. This one is mine.
Tepp: The ring increases your ability to detect and disarm traps. Sure you want it?
Luna: Bah, whatever. Let's see if Lavok still lives.
Sendany: I already have 100 points in Detect Traps. What am I supposed to do with this?
Sendany: Can't points past 100 speed up my detection or something?
DM: Because it's so terrible to ask that you wait an entire six seconds to check for traps before a chest or door possibly impales you or drowns you in acid.
Sendany: My point exactly.
Luna: As proven by the fact you ate a trap just looting that ring.
Luna: I can't heal you up indefinitely, you know.
Sendany: Like you're using your low level spell slots for much.
Luna: So you're not willing to spend six seconds to find the traps, and get experience to boot for disarming them, but waiting half a minute for me to heal you up with CLW is fine.
DM: Stop this stupid argument or I'll decide all future traps require 125 skill.
DM: The party returns to Lavok.
DM: He requests to see the sun before he dies.
Tepp: I don't trust him.
Luna: I trust him.
Sendany: I... don't trust him.
DM: Very well.
DM: He says he understands, and-
Tepp: I put him out of his misery.
DM: He fought that demon for centuries. Don't you think he has deserved-
Tepp: It's not your freaking job to rate my ethics.
Tepp: We've returned to the Prime Material Plane. Caution dictates we kill him before he can send us elsewhere.
DM: The engine is broken.
Tepp: My character can't know that.
Tepp: Look, I kill him. Magic Missile. End of discussion.
Luna: Asshat.
Tepp: You can have the ring on his body.
Luna: Aww, sweetheart!
Luna: ...whoa.
Luna: My reaction is neutral.
Tepp: Now we try to sell the sphere to the Cowled Wizards.
DM: They argue that unless you plan on taking up residence, they'll just claim it once you set out on your next adventure.
Tepp: Then we'll take it back.
Luna: Let me handle this.
Luna: The sphere is yours, wizards.
Luna: But our silence is not.
DM: What's to be silent about?
Luna: The fact that they are now the owners of the building that destroyed like a score of houses.
Luna: Imagine the legal repercussions.
DM: They ask what you want.
Luna: Take us to Spellhold.
Sendany: How naive can you get. Was this the plan? We agree to be teleported by you. We trust you will send us exactly where we want.
Sendany: Just demand gold.
Luna: Right.
Luna: 20 grand and we'll pretend we've never been inside this sphere.
Tepp: We'll lower it to 15 if someone else tries to sell them a planar sphere.
DM: Well whatever, you manage to get 18 grand.
Luna: Plus the loot, and... okay, let's go find a captain.
EDIT: Nvm, I just read through a bunch of things and figured it's the cleric.
Bard: These statues...are they made of something gold or steal-able perhaps?
DM: Nope, they are just normal stone statues.
Bard: Damn.
Paladin: Well, I'm not sure what everyone else wants to do but I'm going to walk to the centre of town to see these statues.
(The group decides to walk to the centre of town and are approached by a man who introduces himself as Neeber)
Fighter: Ohh god no don't tell us this is Noober's long lost cousin or something?
DM (Neeber): Hello there! You're adventurers, aren't you? I want to be an adventurer!
Paladin: Why yes we are. What would you say you are goo...
DM (Neeber): Where'd you get that cloak? I want one!
Paladin: Off the body of some foul beast.
DM (Neeber): I like that sword! Do you have to sharpen it?
Paladin: No
DM (Neeber): Can you sign my shirt?
Paladin: Umm...what?
DM (Neeber): Are you gonna kill the druids? Can I watch?
Paladin: Umm...no.
Druid: Don't click me, I don't want any trouble.
DM (Neeber): I killed a rabid rabbit! I'm experienced now!
Paladin: Hehe...I don't think so young one.
Bard: Hey the man says he's experienced so he must be experienced. Say, I've heard there's a clan of wolves not far from here near the Umar Hills. Sounds like a task for an experienced adventurer!
DM (Neeber): Have you been many places? Mind if I tag along?
Paladin: Sigh....yes I would mind it.
DM (Neeber): People say I ask too many questions. Do you think so, too?
Paladin: Holy sweet words of Tyr. Will you SHUT UP.
Bard: This is why you always kill the mouthy one!
Druid: That would be you wouldn't it?
DM (Neeber): What's a cleric?
Cleric: Someone who has far less patience than the Paladin you are talking to.
DM (Neeber): Do you have to study spells? Can I see one?
Evoker: Sure...I've got a fireball you can check out. Just stand still for a moment...
DM (Neeber): We should go find Waukeen! That'd be a great adventure!
Paladin: ... (blank stare)
DM (Neeber): Have you ever seen a dragon? WOW!
Druid: (sarcastically) Yes actually as part of my masters thesis I studied the impacts of Dragon's on old growth forests...
Paladin: By Helm don't encourage him!
Cleric: Helm...Tyr...you really don't seem very consistent in who you follow...
Paladin: Do you really think now is the time for a discussion on worship?
DM (Neeber): I want to see Athkatla! I hear the streets are made of gold!
Paladin: (stunned silence)
DM (Neeber): I wanna go to the Underdark! I've heard there's cool stuff there!
Paladin: I wish you'd go there now. Best of luck...
DM (Neeber): Have you killed the genies? I can go tell them that you're gonna!
Paladin: Go right ahead.
Druid: Screw this I'm casting Summon Insects on this guy. Tiny bites slowly driving him either insane or utterly killing him seems appropriate.
DM: You begin casting the spell. Its going to take some time for the insects to approach Neeber. Neeber has 20 for his save vs breath so your spell is guaranteed to work.
DM (Neeber): You aren't going to throw rocks at me now, are you?
Paladin: (Smiles) No its going to be much smaller than that.
DM (Neeber): Sensing that its time to go Neeber mentions that you have all been very nice to him and you each get 1000xp along with a small number of +2 bullets.
DM: As this occurs your parties druid has since cast the summon insect spell and it has just hit Neeber.
DM (Neeber): Oww...oww...oww. Hey cut it out!
Fighter: I have throwing axes correct? I take out one and throw it at Neeber. *Takes die and gets a 17 for the hit roll*
DM: Neeber is unarmed, lacks armor, and is very low on health. I'll not even bother with making you do the damage roll here. He has died and the impact of the axe is so severe that his body is torn apart. Blood is gushing everywhere.
DM: Onlookers stand initially mortified...though once the shock and confusion begins to wear off a single person clapping is heard. As the crowd regains its composure more people begin clapping. Hearing the commotion the mayor comes running out of his house - sword in hand.
DM: The mayor looks around and sees the severed head of Neeber lying on the ground. He mentions rather bluntly that like Neeber he is torn here. On the one hand the town is celebrating, on the other you've just committed murder. As a man of honour he has difficulty accepting this outcome but also states that someone else would probably have done it eventually. He asks that you consider refraining from such gruesome displays while in town but does not jail you. Your parties good reputation, at least in the eyes of these people, is also maintained.
DM: You like Tush
Ducky: That's pretty, too
Tush: All of you, EVERY ONE! All making the list!
Randall: You look like your mom
Alora: She does!
Randall: I wonder if your tits look the same... wouldn't have the stretch marks, but I bet it'll have the mole
Tush: Number one...
Flower: Leave her alone, she's about to cry! We're sensitive creatures, don't you know?
Tush: NUMBER TWO!
Alora: Look, if you hate it so much, why haven't you taken it off yet?
Tush: I can't! It's cursed! See! I'm pulling as hard as I can!
Alora: I'm really not seeing the spirit
Tush: HELP ME!
Randall: Oh no, I like you WAY more this way!
Flower: I prefer the strong, talented, and well endowed, so I'll refuse your offer to undress yet again
Tush: DUCKY! Help me take off my belt!
Ducky: Ummm... my momma always told me not to touch the pretty ladies.
Tush: I'm begging you, please!
Ducky: Sometimes they beg, but momma said 'NO!', momma said 'Touching pretty ladies and touching yourself sends you to the Nine Hells!'
Alora: I never thought you'd find it so hard being a woman
Tush: NUMBER THREE!
Flower: I give her a month
Alora: Two weeks, look how good her skin looks right now!
DM: Are we done, yet?
Randall: Almost. I fucked your mom.
Tush: *draws short sword*
Randall: Didn't want that to be too subtle...
DM: As you wander through the woods you encounter a pair of fellow adventurers! They hail you!
Xzar: Hello there, travellers!
Montranan: Is that Randall, I see?
Randall: Ahh jeeze...
Alora: What's this, then?
DM: Randall used to hang out with these guys
Randall: USED to! OK! I was young, and inexperienced!
Xzar: Hear that, Monty? USED to hang out with us!
Monty: As I recall, I gave you a potion of healing not two days ago!
Randall: Was that you guys?
Alora: POTION! You never mentioned any potions!
Monty: He comes limping through the woods like a sick puppy, he does. Yammering on about some big bad Ogre he slayed. Guzzled that potion back like a shot of' Gullykin Firewine.
Xzar: He did have some belts...
Monty: Bah! I ain't never seen no Ogre wear a belt, let alone TWO! Even if he did, one of em' meant he only fought a lady Ogre, he did
Randall: You're not remembering this correctly at all, DM!
Xzar: Yes, it is a well known fact that female Ogres are much less powerful than their male counterparts.
DM: Alora, Flower, Tush, and Ducky, surprisingly, all succeed on their rolls and do, in fact, know that female Ogres are much less powerful than their male counterparts.
Flower: So Mr. tall, dark, and handsome also like picking fights on women, does he!
Ducky: I'm writing a letter to momma. I know I'll remember this!
Tush: You knew.... YOU KNEW!!!
Monty: Who's this then? Come er' love! Come sit on me lap, I'll show ya what gifts the gods gave the shortfolk!
Tush: I need a drink
Next one coming up in <5h. The party will finally be going to Brynnlaw.
Tepp: Whereas previously it only felt appropriate to ask just about everyone else about how to get there. Shopkeepers, priests, Garren Windspear-
DM: You never actually met him, given your little incident with Firkraag.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: My point stands.
DM: All captains refuse, each saying there's trouble on Brynnlaw. Given that the voyage itself is also dangerous, there is no amount of gold that could convince them.
DM: A few of them do however mention that one Saemon Havarian might be persuaded.
Luna: Presumably the same Saemon Havarian that we attacked unprovoked.
Sendany: Of course. It's a story. Everyone has a unique name in a story.
Tepp: Or no name. Thank you for the information, Prospective Captain.
Tepp: So um, we should probably disguise ourselves. And get new names.
Luna: Why, not like Sendy introduced himself before the backstab.
Tepp: Maybe Saemon read the combat log.
DM: ...
Tepp: Hmm. I'll make it simple. My name backwards is almost Pete, so I'll go with that.
Sendany: Aww, my name backwards just sounds ridiculous.
Tepp: Also forwards.
Tepp: Waffles should try the backwards method.
Luna: Divine Dismissive Digit.
Sendany: I could be... *posh British voice* servant Andy.
DM: Pete, servant Andy. Good enough. Luna?
Sendany: Or wait. I'll be... *flamboyant Mexican accent* señor Andy.
DM: No, you won't.
Sendany: Indeed, 'cause I've got a better one. How about... *authoritative Japanese voice* sensei Andy.
DM: Seriously.
DM: You're senile Andy now. And that's final.
Tepp: Bahahaha!
Luna: Hehe.
DM: Luna?
Luna: Tepp will be Lord Pete Horsebreath.
Sendany: Ha!
Tepp: Hmph.
Tepp: Luna will be Lady Anul Pancakes.
DM: Great job. I am sure these names will help deflect attention and suspicion.
DM: What's your reason to be wanting to visit Brynnlaw so badly?
Sendany: They're getting married in secrecy.
Sendany: And I will wed them.
Luna: Hell no.
DM: His initial suggestions seem to be the best, so let's roll with that.
DM: The party approaches Saemon and negotiates a deal for a journey to Brynnlaw.
Tepp: Can't we just kill him and take the ship.
DM: His crew won't answer to you.
Tepp: They will, or else.
Luna: WHY do we need to get violent? Can't we just pay for the trip like normal people?
Tepp: He will betray us at every given turn, I tell you.
Tepp: Fine, we negotiate a deal. But Waffles, all your level four slots go into Neutralize Poison.
Tepp: Actually, ask him if he was already paid to bring a trio of people to Brynnlaw and we can get their tickets cheaper.
Sendany: You're a real master of deception, aren't you.
Sendany: Maybe ask if they were supposed to look like us while you're at it.
DM: A deal is negotiated. The party loses 10,000gp.
DM: Welcome aboard.
DM: A day goes by without event. Unless you want something to happen...
Sendany: I do.
Sendany: Señor Andy approaches the fair lady.
DM: You're senile Andy.
Sendany: Andy has been through much in his life. He can't remember which Andy he is now.
DM: So he was raised in whatever the Faerûn equivalent of Mexico is, with a modern name, and emigrated to Kara-Tur where he became a master.
Sendany: Precisely. Look, he even has the enchanted katana to show for it.
Tepp: Maybe you shouldn't flaunt the weapon you backstabbed Saemon with, great master of deception.
Sendany: Like he saw it. BACK-stab.
DM: Also, you're supposed to be senile, not schizophrenic.
Sendany: Like I said, Andy can't remember which Andy he is at every moment.
Sendany: Also, unless you know the difference between schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, don't diagnose someone with either.
Sendany: Señor Andy implies to the lady that she will soon be legally bound to forever share bed with señor Horsebreath. Perhaps she would like one last taste of freedom.
Luna: Ugh.
Luna: Well? Are you going to let this lout offend me?
Tepp: Sigh.
Tepp: Andy, hands off my fiance.
Sendany: It's SENSEI Andy.
Tepp: Sensei Andy.
Sendany: Yes, young padawan?
Tepp: (Accomplished jedi are called masters, not senseis, titwit.)
Sendany: (It means like the same thing, titwit.)
Luna: I guess we'll never know how we're seated if Horsebreath is able to exchange whispers with all three of us. Must be bloody impractical.
DM: Shush.
Tepp: Hands off my fiance.
Sendany: A jedi shall not know the pleasures of the flesh. Worry not.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Might I speak with servant Andy?
Sendany: Of course. May the Horse be with you.
Sendany: Yes, my lord?
Tepp: We need to poison the captain.
Tepp: Snap out of your fake identities and do some quality sleight of hand with the meals.
DM: The captain is now poisoned.
DM: The party has yet to be poisoned.
Tepp: Because Neutralize Poison after every meal, duh?
Luna: I haven't been casting it on myself. Only on Sendy.
Tepp: Hope we have time to get married before you die so I can get all your stuff.
Luna: I'm going to cure the captain.
Luna: Also, if we're getting married, where's my ring?
Tepp: I gave you a ring.
Luna: No, you let me loot a ring. There's a difference.
Luna: It was like my turn anyway. You have the Ring of Gaxx, Sendy has the Ring of Protection +2 AND the Ring of Danger Sense.
Sendany: "AND the ring of Danger Sense." Did you catch the drama there. Ho yeah, that amazing ring.
Sendany: Maybe we can get you a Ring of Infravision. Or even TWO.
Luna: I don't even know what my ring DOES.
Tepp: It's shiny.
Luna: Identify it for me. My love.
Tepp: Eh, no.
Luna: Do you want to start an argument?
Luna: That dashing señor Andy is beginning to feel more and more attractive.
Luna: Wait. You have TWO rings.
Luna: When did you get that ugly one?
Tepp: It's ugly, so why should you care.
Luna: DM, you can't let these jerks loot in secret.
DM: You were in such a hurry to get to the engine that you didn't even care that Tolgeiras had a ring.
Luna: I care now.
Luna: Is it the Ring of the Ram he was gonna give us? I'm not letting you have that.
Tepp: And I'm not letting you take it. Not even for the amulet.
Luna: Then give me the Ring of Gaxx.
Tepp: No.
Tepp: Can we move on-
Luna: Identify my ring.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Done.
Sendany: He he. Ring of Acuity.
Luna: OH REALLY WHAT A GIFT. I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK. YOU KNEW THIS WAS USELESS TO ME.
Tepp: No.
Tepp: Since you are so smart, I thought you might want to dual class to wizard, and this would help you get started.
Luna: Like-
Luna: Ohh. Nice try. You almost made me reveal my race to the readers.
Luna: Anyway, I hate you and I go to cure the captain.
DM: Does anything happen the next day?
Sendany: Yes!
DM: Preferably not because of you.
Sendany: Señor Andy is ashamed he tried to ruin the wedding by tempting the bride.
Sendany: He wishes to chat with the couple.
Luna: We humor him.
Sendany: Andy wonders which surname the couple will use after the wedding.
Sendany: He knows it's customary to use the man's.
Sendany: However, he finds that "Pete Pancakes" has a nice alliterative ring to it, whereas he does not even wish to elaborate on his feelings about "Anul Horsebreath".
Tepp: Seriously.
Sendany: The off-duty crew is listening, you know.
Tepp: *sigh*
Tepp: Our love is too deep. We do not worry about practicalities.
Sendany: In that case, sensei Andy has a few words of wisdom to share.
Tepp: Naturally.
Sendany: They who follow their dreams walk through life sleeping.
Tepp: Thanks. Can we have servant Andy?
Sendany: My liege.
Tepp: Señor Andy and sensei Andy are bothering us. Do show them out.
Sendany: But of course.
Sendany: Señor Andy protests!
Luna: Seriously, I'm not listening to like twenty lines of monologue. Do it in your head.
Luna: Are we close?
DM: The island is quite visible on the horizon.
Tepp: Is it within swimming distance?
DM: No.
Tepp: Are we on course for the harbor?
DM: Yes.
Tepp: And if I simply controlled the helm, the ship wouldn't deviate notably from that course?
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: I knock Saemon off the ship with my Ring of the Ram.
Luna: SERIOUSLY. He hasn't done anything to us and that's the third time you try to kill him!
Tepp: Ring of Gaxx.
Luna: ...
Luna: Forgiven for now.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The ship crashes unceremoniously into the harbor.
DM: Welcome to Brynnlaw.
DM: Surveying the city, the party sees a ghost town. It's high noon, yet the streets are empty.
DM: Bloodmarks on a wall catch their attention. Then they see more and more of them, and they see pools of blood, but no bodies.
Tepp: This isn't supposed to happen...
DM: There's a makeshift graveyard in the distance.
Luna: We... explore the town and try to find out what happened?
DM: There's nothing conclusive to be found. Only more blood.
Luna: We head for the makeshift graveyard.
DM: The tombs are unmarked. Most seem crudely dug.
DM: While you dare not confirm, some of them seem to have too little disturbed dirt to be housing adults.
Tepp: Could be dwarves, halflings, gnomes...
Luna: Since when do you speculate?
Luna: And why do you sound so frightened?
Tepp: No reason.
Luna: We keep looking.
DM: You still find nothing. You get the feeling you are the only living beings in the town, save the crew desperately trying to repair the ship.
DM: Only now do you notice that there are no other ships in the harbor.
Sendany: Plague?
Luna: No, these were violent deaths.
Sendany: Vampires? Werewolves?
Luna: Could be any manner of beast, natural or not.
Sendany: Don't you usually have all the answers, Tepp?
Tepp: I hope I don't have the answer this time.
Luna: Spit it out. What do you suspect?
Tepp: ...let's just keep exploring.
DM: Suddenly, there's a sound that feels bestial, yet not attributable to any creature the party knows of.
Luna: We follow the sound.
DM: Cautiously advancing, the party happens upon something they've only heard of in legends.
DM: A red, spiked beast with long claws. Its head looks more like an extension of the throat, and the entire surface area of the face is used by the large, circular mouth. You are unsure if it has eyes.
DM: The beast seems to be fighting against itself, at times trying to claw its own flesh, at times trying to sharpen its senses to hunt.
Luna: Aren't you going to do a lore check?
Tepp: I suppose...
DM: Success. It is the Slayer, a divine avatar once used by none other than Bhaal himself. Murder incarnate.
Luna: Why is it here?
DM: It notices the party. It seems its first instict is to attack, but it stops abruptly after but one step.
DM: Does it recognize you? Is it trying to resist its nature and not murder you? Why would it do that?
Tepp: Come on man, don't do this.
DM: I thought you said you'd enjoy this moment.
Tepp: This is taking it too far.
Luna: What are you two talking about?
Tepp: Nothing I can explain in character.
DM: That hasn't stopped you before. Don't let it stop you now.
Sendany: Tell us what's going on here.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: That's Imoen.
Luna: WHAT?
Luna: Why has Imoen taken the form of the Slayer??
Luna: Did she kill all these people?
Luna: TELL ME!
Tepp: She probably did, yes.
Tepp: Imoen is also a Bhaalspawn. Think of her background. Matches someone's, don't you agree?
Tepp: Irenicus wanted two divine souls. Imoen was both bait and catch.
Sendany: So he's gonna attack us now to get the second?
Tepp: No.
Tepp: He no longer needs a second.
Tepp: Because Bodhi was his sister, and Imoen's soul was intended for her.
Tepp: With her dead, he had no reason to wait for us to get here. Too, he now has a close second on his grudge list.
Tepp: With her soul gone, the void consumed Imoen, and left alone to fight it, she lost. The taint filled the emptiness.
Tepp: If we hadn't killed Bodhi, Imoen would have still lost her soul but we would have been here to comfort her and prevent... this.
Luna: YOU JUST LET ME KILL BODHI!
Luna: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO IMOEN!
Luna: Can we save her?? Can she be freed?
Tepp: When I let you kill Bodhi, I didn't expect our DM to take things this far.
Tepp: He can answer the rest.
DM: There's no saving Imoen.
DM: What little of her is left in that beast is what dug the graves for her victims. It's what's trying to make it take its own life.
DM: It's what's keeping it from attacking you right now.
Luna: Restoration?
Luna: ...
Luna: Destroy it and resurrect her?
DM: Neither will work.
Luna: YOU CAN'T MAKE US KILL IMOEN!
DM: It's not death, it's non-existence.
Luna: That's a HORRIBLE fate.
Luna: She doesn't deserve it.
DM: The world isn't fair.
Luna: WHY are you doing this??
Luna: Can't we just walk away?
DM: Perhaps you can.
DM: But consider that the Slayer is not the worst thing Imoen can become. Once fully consumed by the taint, she becomes the Ravager.
DM: A far more formidable foe.
DM: In that form, she could cause even more death. The island wouldn't confine her for long.
DM: In that form, there's no Imoen left anymore. Nothing to hold the beast back.
DM: In this form, there's yet a little restraint left. Towards you, most of all.
DM: This is the best opportunity anyone will have to end the menace. It would be highly irresponsible to just walk away.
DM: Remember, Imoen is suffering in there too.
Luna: WHY.
Luna: ARE.
Luna: YOU.
Luna: DOING.
Luna: THIS????
DM: Frankly, it should be enough to say that this is the most logical conclusion to your prior actions.
DM: I'm sure the metagaming bastard will agree.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: *sigh*
DM: But I won't claim I didn't leap at the opportunity to give this party some purpose.
Luna: PURPOSE? We didn't have PURPOSE? We were trying to save her!
DM: No, the jackass has been goofing around since chapter one, and you compromised your LG character to no end just to motivate staying in the group.
DM: Sendany was somewhat tolerable. I mean he goofed around too, but he just assumed that doing what Tepp wanted was a good recipe for mischief.
DM: Then came his vivid interpretation of, I quote, dissociative identity disorder, which for the record is NOT a state in which you can consciously swap between identities.
DM: And then I lost all thoughts about not doing this.
Luna: ...
DM: Imoen can't hold the Slayer back forever, you know.
DM: The sooner you strike, the more likely you are to win.
Luna: If we kill Irenicus...
DM: Metagaming bastard. All yours.
Tepp: Irenicus is not here.
Tepp: Even in the unlikely case that our DM allows for his death to restore Imoen, it would take us like a month to get there.
Tepp: By far enough time for her to turn into the Ravager.
Tepp: We would be permitting countless lives to be lost for a highly improbable chance to save her.
Tepp: He's right. There's nothing LG about overlooking what I do because of a ring here and there.
Tepp: If we spare her now for that unlikely chance to restore her, we cause nothing but suffering.
Tepp: Suffering for all her victims and everyone who holds them dear. Suffering for ourselves for having it on our conscience.
Tepp: But above all, suffering for Imoen for having to live through that while her very being fades into the core of that monster.
Tepp: I don't think you can accept that.
Tepp: I can't.
Tepp: I'm going to put that thing down while I can still imagine it having Imoen's face.
Tepp: While I can still imagine it saying: "Heya, it's me, Imoen."
Sendany: ...
Sendany: Count me in.
Sendany: And not for any hope of mischief.
Luna: ...Irenicus will pay.
Luna: Do you hear me in there, Imoen? IRENICUS WILL PAY.
Luna: I will call down the wrath of the heavens upon him, until the sky is clear of clouds and your light can shine down on us unhindered.
Luna: We will NEVER forget you.
TL;DR: Because Bodhi was killed, Irenicus simply took Imoen's soul instead of waiting for Charname. The emptiness consumed her and the Slayer overtook her. The party had to kill her, sending her off to non-existence. They are now sworn to take revenge upon Irenicus.
(the edit was to the TL;DR, haven't changed the story)
Randall: When some random stranger comes up to you in the middle of the woods, chances are they're trying to rob you, or kill you, or both.
Ducky: But I swear! It was him!
Alora: Some old man with a red pointy hat and you think it's a famous wizard
Ducky: He looked just like him!
Randall: You've never seen him!
Ducky: The pictures in the scrolls...
Randall: Are never accurate! I didn't see any silver fire shoot from his ass, did you, Tush?
Tush: *glug glug glug* Shtop calling me Tussh. I'm the Four-Finger Discount from now on...
Randall: But it fits so well!
Tush: AND SHTOP STARING AT ME ASS!
Randall: But it'll fit so well!
Alora: I'm with Randall... on the first thing, not the second, that's gross. Random strangers are always bad news.
Flower: We're in a lot of danger, Ducky. Remember those two assassins, Corbos and Shank...
Alora: They were assassins?
Flower: Didn't you say they tried to attack you?
Alora: ... sure.
Ducky: *unsheafs his Two-Handed Sword* They met Susan.
Flower: I think I'm going to be sick...
DM: In the future, you really don't have to be so rude to the people you meet. If they wish you harm, they'll probably just shoot first
Alora: 'm not falling for that! Never trust a DM, I say.
DM: Suit yourselves. Are you ready to get going.
Tush: Just a minute, I need to take a piss. Where's a bush around here?
Randall: There's a rock I found this ring on over there
Tush: Ok, Flower?
Flower: What?
Tush: Well... I'm going to the bathroom
Flower: OH NO! We're no where near me holding your hair back!
Tush: I don't know how this new plumbing works! I also still can't take off my belt.
Alora: You'll figure it out. You're almost a big girl now.
Tush: *grumble* It won't be quick... I promise
Tush: *walks away*
DM: *rolls dice*
Ducky: What are you doing?
DM: Nothing...
DM: You see Tush come running across the road, pants around his ankles, stumbling as fast as he can. Behind him a large wolf in gaining ground
Tush: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit
DM: *rolls dice* The wolf veers towards Flower and clenches its teeth firmly around her forearm. Take 7 damage.
Flower: The hell! I'm nearly dead!
DM: Indeed, you fall to the ground unconcious after he lefts go and sets his sights on *rolls dice* Alora
Ducky: No you don't! Come at me wolf! Susan likes to play with dogs! *Rolls* 17!
DM: *rolls* As you charge at the wolf, swinging as hard as you can, your sword shatters upon contact.
Ducky: ...
DM: The wolf seems to have shrugged off the blow and continues towards Alora
Ducky: SUSAN! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Randall: Fuck this. *rolls dice* Critical Hit
DM: Your arrow punches through the wolf's chest. He stammers slightly, but continues his charge
Alora: I cast Sleep
DM: The wolf saves
Alora: Ummm... guys?! Little help here
Imoen: Hi-ya!
Alora: Seriously!?
Imoen: I heard you were fighting a big scary wolf
DM: Where did you even come from?
Imoen: I'm a Thief! I'm sneaky! I cast Magic Missile at the wolf
Alora: No!
DM: *rolls dice* Look at that! You killed the wolf!
Alora: NO!
Imoen: Woo hoo! I'm the best Thief ever!
Alora: YOU CAN'T CAST MAGIC MISSILE!
DM: Whatever, I give her a Wand of Magic Missiles
Imoen: SEE! I start running around them really really fast!
DM: Ok, sis
Imoen: I mean REALLY fast! Give me a potion of speed!
DM: Fine, just be quiet
Alora: This is so unfair
DM: *rolls dice* Flower really doesn't feel well. You should get her to another healer as soon as possible
Tush: Come on guys! Lets hurry! I still need her to brew me a new batch!
DM: Is the funeral ceremony concluded?
Luna: ...
Luna: Yes.
DM: While none of you have any wharf experience, it does seem like the ship won't be repaired for a few more hours.
Tepp: Enough time to look for clues as to Irenicus' plans.
Sendany: Wonder if it's enough time to convince them to bring us off the island.
Luna: ...
Luna: I hate Irenicus with all my heart, but I will not let vengeance blind me. If we can't settle things with the sailors civilly, we find another way.
Luna: No violence.
Sendany: Wasn't planning on using any.
Luna: Good.
Luna: I suppose the asylum would be a great place to look for clues.
Tepp: We can always hope Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary.
Tepp: Which he left behind.
DM: (Don't start already.)
Tepp: (It's the best thing to hope for, duh.)
DM: (Fine.)
Sendany: One moment, before we enter.
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for shattering a Spellhold window.
Luna: Boys will be boys.
Luna: We enter.
DM: Conveniently enough, Irenicus was womanly enough to keep a diary. Which he left behind.
Luna: (Sexist DM.)
DM: It explains his intent to use a portal somewhere within the asylum, that would take him to the Underdark.
Luna: Looks like our path is clear. Let's find that portal.
DM: The party searches the facility.
Tepp: (If you were to make a certain thing happen that normally happens, I wouldn't call you out on it being totally wrong. Variety is the spice of life. Give us a choice.)
DM: (If you try to kill him again...)
DM: Saemon Havarian appears before you, brought in by magical means. He seems to be fresh out of the sea.
DM: Whew, he says. Wasn't easy to cast Dimension Door while swimming. Finally pulled it off.
Tepp: I stay hidden.
Luna: I ask if he requires healing.
Tepp: He might need 5-30 hit points healed. No particular reason.
DM: Saemon accepts the healing, adding that he is still cold and throwing in a wink.
Luna: I politely decline and explain what has happened in his absence.
DM: He argues that Irenicus' portal might not be safe for anyone else to use.
DM: Plus the guy has like a ton of int, not like the whole journal couldn't be a deception.
Sendany: Sounds reasonable. We should get back to the mainland and figure out a different course from there.
DM: He explains he would feel safer if the three of you were on board.
Tepp: What, all three of us?
Tepp: Guess he mistook the ring blast for a gust of wind.
Luna: Tepp, your opinion. Sans metagaming.
Tepp: Hmm. I say we search for the portal a little more, and examine it if we find it. If we decide to use the ship, we'll be at the harbor within two hours.
DM: Saemon adds that he would pay you to join him.
Luna: See? From a man you've tried to kill three times and falsely accused of trying to poison us.
Tepp: Sendy got Neutralize Poison. I had the Ring of Gaxx for all my meals, and gave it to you after the last. If it were a slow-acting poison, or say, I don't know, a reagent that would allow Irenicus to render us helpless-
DM: *sigh*
Tepp: -then my cautiousness was still justified.
Luna: Yeah whatever, I guess I'm glad you didn't attack him on sight. I guess there's hope for you.
DM: (You just want the Cloak of Mirroring, don't you.)
Tepp: (Hehe.)
DM: The portal is beyond the party to understand. It could do nothing, or it could send them somewhere totally off course.
Tepp: Shame we don't have a demon heart to feed it. That usually works.
DM: *sigh*
Luna: I want to keep my head cool. Not touching that portal. Imoen can't have perished just for us to get captured by Irenicus again.
Sendany: I concur.
DM: Saemon is waiting for you at the harbor, seemingly ready to cast off at any time.
DM: He has convinced his crew that you had nothing to do with his accidents and that bad DM'ing is the reason they couldn't just slow down the ship themselves since the party had no interest in breaking it.
DM: I hope.
Sendany: Hehe.
DM: He offers you a gift. It is a Silver Blade.
Sendany: Wow, with capital letters.
DM: We've been through this.
Luna: How kind of him. We graciously accept.
Tepp: (Like we have the option not to.)
Tepp: A thief, a cleric and a sorcerer get a blade for a two-handed sword. Can a gift get more sarcastic?
Sendany: Hey, I'm gonna take Use Any Item as soon as I can.
Tepp: I'm not gonna endure you rolling for a vorpal hit after every attack.
Sendany: But apparently you will endure me rolling for both the CF stun and the shocking blow.
Sendany: On a weapon I am more likely to actually hit with, too.
Sendany: Titwit.
Tepp: (Technically, it is your victim that has to roll for the stun. Titwit.)
Luna: Now now... who said it's for a vorpal blade?
Tepp: Uh, no one. Just had a hunch.
Luna: Besides, no matter its shape, it's still silver. That's valuable.
Tepp: Yeah... a similar argument didn't work out well when trying to sell Kangaxx' body parts.
Tepp: Sir DM.
DM: It's rude to sell a gift anyway.
DM: (You know, in the event that you actually get one for your birthday.)
Luna: (Get over it.)
DM: Are you ready to depart?
Luna: ...
Luna: Will he wait for us if we say farewell to Imoen?
DM: He will.
Luna: Like will he or are you just paraphrasing his reply.
DM: Saemon will wait. Still some minor preparations to be made.
Luna: Either of you want to join me?
Sendany: I'll pass. Need to... sharpen my bow. Maybe frame Kangaxx for inciting mutiny.
Sendany: Look, one goodbye is enough for Sendany.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: I'll join you.
DM: You arrive at Imoen's grave. What do you do?
Luna: I stare silently at it.
Tepp: As do I.
Luna: ...
Luna: I don't really have anything to do here except say a second, silent goodbye. I mean it's not inconsequential, but nothing to involve the DM or roll dice for.
Luna: You?
Tepp: Same deal here.
Luna: ...
Luna: Thanks for joining me.
Tepp: You're welcome, Waffles.
Luna: May scurvy claim you, Horsebreath.
DM: The ship sets sail. You are bound for Athkatla.
DM: Is there anyone who would like for something to happen?
Sendany: I would!
DM: Sendany would, or Andy the Clown would?
Sendany: ...never mind!
Tepp: I would.
DM: Not getting rid of the Silver Blade.
Tepp: ...never mind.
Sendany: Oh, that does bring something to mind.
Sendany: Another fateful choice.
Tepp: Ah, good call.
Luna: If you're gonna throw a Kangaxx limb overboard, I'm all for the idea but please don't make it sound so ceremonial.
Sendany: One, two...
Sendany: Rock.
Tepp: Rock.
Sendany: One, two...
Sendany: Rock.
Tepp: Rock.
Sendany: One, two...
DM: Oh for goodness' sake. Roll 1d6, 3 or less Sendany wins.
DM: Sendany wins.
Tepp: Wins the privilege of giving up his Kangaxx arm.
Sendany: How is THAT a privilege. The winner KEEPS his Kangaxx arm.
DM: Throw one now or a sudden squall will throw both your BACKPACKS overboard.
Sendany: You have his remaining leg. Not fair that I should give my last limb up.
Tepp: Please, how much framing can you do with the legs anyway?
DM: I MEAN IT.
Sendany: Hmph.
Sendany: I pickpocket Tepp for his Kangaxx arm and throw it overboard.
Tepp: Really dangerous to antagonize the guy with a Ring of the Ram when you're on a ship.
Tepp: Historically proven fact.
Luna: Yeah, except Saemon never did anything to antagonize you.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Previous life.
DM: Suddenly, githyanki!
Tepp: Wow, I wonder why they would want to attack us.
DM: They say they have reason to believe there's a Silver Blade on the ship and they kinda want it back.
DM: Saemon says he doesn't have one, nor does his crew, but he can't vouch for the trio of shady looking strangers.
Tepp: I told you he was a jerk.
Luna: If they can prove the blade is theirs, I will gladly return it to them.
DM: They don't wanna listen to that. Out for blood. Blades for tongues.
DM: Fight.
Tepp: I barely care to join the fight. I'm not afraid of the githyanki.
DM: You should be. They have no qualms about sinking the ship.
Tepp: Not. Afraid.
DM: (Too much metagaming.)
Tepp: (Want me to encourage everyone to blast the githyanki captain so you can come up with another lame explanation why plot critical targets can't die?)
DM: (Fine.)
DM: Suddenly, sahuagin! Sahuagin join the fight.
DM: The githyanki retreat. The ship sinks.
DM: The party does not drown...
DM: I'm sorry
Ducky: I just got her for my birthday...
DM: I'm really sorry
Ducky: She was my biggest one...
DM: It was just a sword, Ducky
Ducky: She wasn't my first, but she was my favourite...
DM: I said I was sorry! It's the way the dice rolled! You'll be able to buy a new sword soon enough!
Ducky: How can you just replace Susan! It's like you don't even care!
Alora: Just throw those shards away and let's get moving
Ducky: NO! I'm going to have her fixed! She'll be bigger and better and sharper than ever!
Ducky: *cradles the sharp metal fragments like a baby*
DM: You continue on your journey to the Friendly Arm Inn, now with a new sense of urgent purpose. Flower has lost a lot of blood and, seeing how she is your only healer, there's nothing you can do to help her.
Flower: If we had a PALADIN that could do something like, I don't know, TOUCH A WOMAN I wouldn't be in this mess!
Ducky: ...and I'll give you a new grip; and a new sheaf; and a new...
Alora: We have potions of healing from the Temple
Flower: Bah! You want to give me some homeopathic river water in a fancy bottle? The placebo effect only works if I'm too stupid to know those things are useless!
DM: You're almost dead. Almost dead people don't talk.
Tush: If she won't accept the potion, and she won't give me her recipe for Sweet Strawberry Spirits...
Flower: NEVER!
Tush: Then we just HAVE to get her to the Inn as soon as possible.
DM: You journey north alone the road when you're approached by another strange man
Randall: Enough with the random strangers!
DM: He's just a weary traveller, no harm at all.
Alora: Does he look rich?
DM: Poor as dirt
Alora: No sense robbing him... Fine, what does he want?
DM: Hi there! These woods are dangerous parts, why are you out here running around?
Tush: Ummm... we're five people in armour with weapons, you're one man without a pot to piss in. Why are you lecturing us about being out in the woods?
DM: I'm just saying, there are bandits and other dangerous creatures out here. One of your weapons looks broken, as well. Another victim of the Iron Crisis, I see...
Alora: The what?
Tush: All the more reason you should be back in your shack
DM: What's the most dangerous creature you've encountered?
Imoen: I killed the wolf!
Alora: NO TALKING!
Randall: Took out an ogre a few days ago. You probably saw the corpse. He was huge
Ducky: You mean 'she'
Randall: It wasn't a woman!
Tush: We're wasting time talking to this stupid peasant! Flower needs to get to the Inn!
DM: Your friend looks pretty roughed up. Where are you taking her?
Alora: We have to get her to the Friendly Arm Inn where a temple...
Flower: NO TEMPLES!
Alora: Where a nice soft bed can heal her.
DM: *rolls* The traveller looks up at the sky with a grim look on his face
DM: It's almost 8 hours on foot to the Inn from here. It'll be dark soon, you should set up camp for the night, instead.
Tush: Listen here, asshole. I'm down to my last mickey and THAT won't get me through the next five minutes if I keep talking to you. This is an emergency!
DM: Ohh, feisty, are ya? I like em' feisty.
Alora: She'll be fine, I'm not walking another eight hours
Randall: If she was going to die, she'd be dead by now. I'm making a fire
Flower: You lazy bastards!
Tush: Screw you guys, then! I'll carry her and meet you there!
DM: Sorry, but no.
Tush: Why not?
DM: You must gather your party before venturing forth
Flower: FUCK YOU!
DM: As the party sets down for the night, the traveller joins you at the fire
DM: It's good. A full moon tonight will keep the evil creatures in their holes and sharpen our eyes against attacks from men. You're friend...
Alora: I wouldn't really call them my 'friends'
DM: The large one. He seems very distraught
Ducky: *sobbing under his covers*
Alora: He lost the only women he ever loved today
DM: That's terrible
Alora: Oh man, the look on his face. Priceless.
DM: Nothing's right these days. I can't farm my fields or feed my herds anymore since all my tools keep breaking. Damn iron crisis, it's hitting everyone! Even us poor folk who got nothing! I'm out here trying to let my cattle graze, but gotta watch them myself on account of the bandits and monsters preying upon us.
Alora: What is this iron crisis you keep talking about?
DM: What were you? Locked up for the last five years?
Alora: You could say so, but for a lot longer
DM: All I know is that anything made of iron these days seems to rot. ROT! Like it was a piece of hard bread! The city's been closed up for months. The stinking nobles are talking of going to war! Something about Amn making trade demands. A bunch of rich bastards lose a little bit of their rich bastard coin and decide to send us poor off to die because of it!
Alora: And this has been going on for five years?
DM: Well, not all of it. The iron's only been bad for a few months now. But this all started when those bandits first showed up, I say! The poor folk felt the first blows, but no nobles in the city cared about us! Wasn't until THEIR precious caravans started getting hit. The rich couldn't hire enough guards to get rid of them, and the poor were choosing to join up rather than be raped and slaughtered, or just eventually starved.
Alora: Joining up with bandits, eh. Might know where I can find some?
DM: Like I said, all this trouble first started when the bandits showed up. South of here, past the town of Beregost, is a small town called Nashkell. That's where the bandits first showed up and, wouldn't you know it, that where we get all of our iron from. I bet you'll find whatever trouble it is you're looking for there.
Alora: I get up and go to sleep
DM: Who's on watch right now?
Alora: What?
DM: Who's on watch right now?
Alora: Why are you asking me?
DM: You're the party leader, right?
Alora: Oh, well. Ducky's kind of catatonic at the moment, so not him. Flower's almost dead, Tush is hopefully dead, and Randall is... fuck if I care.
DM: So I'll just assume it's the weary traveller, then?
Alora: Sure, why?
DM: *rolls a lot of dice*
Alora: Oh, fuck off
Alora: I peek out of my tent, what do I see?
DM: There are several bandits inside your camp. The weary traveller is being held up by two wearing only rags, and is being repeatedly struck by another wearing some blackened leather over simple chainmail. Three more have managed to hold Ducky down long enough to begin binding his hands behind his back. Tush, seems to have sobered up only after being subdued by another two bandits. Flower is still unconcious but being watched over by the final bandit.
Alora: Shit, where's Randall?
Randall: Here
Randall: I appear from the shadows behind her, grab her by the mouth, and lead her out the back of the tent before we're discovered.
DM: *rolls* Just as you slip out the back a bandit pokes his head into the front of your tent. He doesn't notice you, but you notice it. It's an Ogrillion, a half-ogre.
Randall: ...
DM: *rolls* you can't subdue your rage and go into a berserk state
Randall: ...but
Alora: I keep ducking out the back and try to make it to the woods
DM: *rolls* You succeed, Alora. *rolls* Randall, you unsheaf your longsword and bury it deep into the face of the Ogrillion, killing him. Unfortunately, you've now alerted the remaining bandits of your position.
Randall: ...but
DM: They've surrounded you, there are no more Ogre-kin around, so you are no longer berserked.
Randall: You're an asshole
Alora: Thanks for the distraction, buddy. Am I safe, yet?
DM: Yes, you've found a good spot behind a log and some leaves that conceal your position, but still gives you a good view of the camp.
Alora: What do I see?
DM: *rolls*...*rolls again*... You see a small carving on the log in front of you.
Alora: I mean out there!
DM: It says "randall was here"
Alora: What are the bandits doing?!
DM: *rolls* It says "Randall + Tush ="....
Randall: IT DOES NOT!
DM: The armoured bandit strikes the weary traveller. "I want the woman!" He screams.
DM: "You have both of them!" The man spits back from behind broken teeth
DM: "These are not her! I look for one with hair and eyes black as ink! These two are not her!
Ducky: I make a strength check against the ropes to break them
DM: *rolls* You fail, but in struggling you've manaed to untuck your shirt. You feel your dagger in your sheaf move closer
Ducky: I try to reach for it
DM: *rolls* Success, you free your dagger and begin sawing at your bindings. They're quite thick, so it will take some time.
DM: Meanwhile, the armoured bandit has begun viciously beating the weary traveller. He struggles, then slouches to the ground, then stops resisting all together. The three who were watching you, Ducky, have just finished tying up Randall and are standing over him with a spear to his neck
Randall: Ok, I'm sorry I metagamed! I won't do it again! Promise!
DM: "QUIET! Bring be the lass with the firey tongue!" He bellows. Two bandits start to drag Tush over to the fire.
Tush: I'LL BITE OFF ANYTHING THAT GOES NEAR ME TONGUE!
DM: Alora, you see all of this happening, what are you doing?
Alora: I'll watch
DM: Don't want to try and cast Sleep or anything?
Alora: Not quite yet
DM: The large one picks up Tush and throws him over a log. Are you sure you don't want to do anything?
Alora: I'm good
Tush: You're making a big mistake! I'm really a man, see! It's the belt!
DM: Now would be a really good time to do something. My little sister is sitting right there. I don't want this to get too rough
Alora: No censoring for little ears! Tush needs to know what its like to be a woman
DM: I really don't think this is an appropriate lesson for anyone!
Tush: NOT COOL ALORA!
Alora: But super evil
Tush: Fuck this, I leap up at the guy and try to head but him in the groin
DM: *rolls*... *rolls again* Critical failure. You manage to dive at his crotch, but don't realize that he had not yet removed his codpiece. You knock yourself unconcious.
DM: "Ah, it's no fun when they don't fight! Bring me the other one!"
DM: The last bandit looks around. "Umm... sir, she's gone."
Alora: What do you mean 'she's gone'?
Flower: What do you mean, 'I'm gone'?
DM: She's gone, sir! She was here one second, now she's not!
DM: *rolls dice* Alora, you pass a listen check along with one of the bandits and hear a russling in the woods to the east.
Alora: Can I see anything?
DM: *rolls* You don't see anything, but you sure can smell it. It's nauseating, like burning flesh and hair
Alora: Two personal favourites
DM: "What's that smell?" "Where'd that come from?" two bandits near the edge of the forest call out, until they're suddenly pulled into the darkness!
Alora: WHAT DO I SEE!?
DM: The bandits are rushing towards the edge of the woods. Randall has been abandoned and is struggling against his bindings. Tush is still unconcious, and Ducky is calmly sitting down, looking at the big armoured guy. The armoured bandit stands near the fire, readying his bow.
Flower: Where am I?!
DM: Three bandits walk into the woods to look for their two companions. The leaves russle, a shreik echoes across the camp, and then there is dead silence. Only the crackling of a dwindling fire, casting ever less light against the treeline
DM: "All of you! Get back here, now!" The armoured one calls out. Three bandits remain by his side, all visibly shaken. "You two, come with me! You, kill these sorry bastards."
DM: As the leader turns away from the fire with his men, the last bends over and begins to draw his dagger, preparing a coup de grace on Tush
DM: *rolls* Ducky, you've broken through the ropes now!
Ducky: No one hurts pretty ladies around me! *rolls* 19
DM: You grab the mans head. Putting your palms on his temples and your thumbs in his eyes, you squeeze. *rolls* You squeeze with all of your might and his skull crushes in your hands like a vase. You're compleatly covered in a sticky ooze of blood and pulp, now.
DM: The bandit leader notices you've come free and draws his bow. The trees part behind him, and a giant dark beast emerges from the forest. It lashes out and throws the remaining two bandits across the clearing in a tangled mess of limbs and gore. The beast rears up and crushes the bandit leader with all its wieght beneath two great clawed paws.
Alora: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
DM: *rolls* This... is a werewolf
Randall: I draw my bow and shoot at the werewolf
DM: *rolls* Your arrows fire true, but bounce off its chest like a child's toy
Alora: Ok, now I think I should do something. I cast Blindness, hoping it doesn't notice me
DM: *rolls* You succeed, and the werewolf is blinded. It thrashes around in a rage, striking at the ground and swinging in the air. Tush, you wake up
Tush: What happened? Where did everyone... HOLY SHIT!
Alora: Somebody hit it with something!
DM: The Werewolf stops for a second and begins smells the air. *rolls* He turns sharply dowards Ducky, who is trying to pick pieces of skull from his gauntlets.
Tush: I'm right beside him so I'm going to go stealth and get out of the way
Alora: Coward! Hit it!
DM: *rolls* The Werewolf charges at Ducky and pounces over him.
Tush: I go for a backstab, I guess
DM: Your sword bounces off having no effect
Tush: See, no point. I'm out of here! *smoke bomb vanish*
DM: The werewolf prepares to strike at Ducky
Ducky: I've got this, don't worry pretty lady! I roll a strength check to wrestle with the werewolf!
DM: *rolls*... *rolls*... Critical failure, you begin to 'wrestle' with the wolf, which seems to involve you being treated like a new chew toy.
Ducky: Ow... NO PUPPY! Ow... NO BITES! Ow... nothing to worry about!
Alora: DUCKY! STAB IT!
Ducky: Susan's dead! Remember!
Alora: WITH THE FUCKING DAGGER!
Ducky: Ohhhh..... that thing. Ok.
DM: *rolls* Ducky stabs the beast in the gut with the dagger. It passes through the flesh like it was made of smoke. The beast cries out in agony, and slumps over. It begins to transform back into a human. Transform back into Flower.
Flower: Oh god, oh god, what did you make me do! I'm supposed to be the pacifist!
DM: Flower is still alive, Ducky remains standing over her, holding the tiny dagger stuck into her stomach.
Alora: Ok Ducky, let me force her a potion of healing before she actually does die.
Tush: She's unconcious! Wouldn't she just choke on it?
Randall: It's a potion of healing! The only way we could hurt her with it is if we bludgeoned her with the bottle!
DM: Ducky, as you continue to hold on to the dagger, you hear something. *rolls dice* You hear a calming voice. Your mothers voice! "Go on, Ducky! Be a good boy! Go on! To the hilt! There you go! That's a good boy! Now stay still! You're such a good boy!
Ducky: I'm such a good boy...
DM: Randall grabs at Ducky's hand and pulls out the blade while forcing a potion of healing down Flower's throat.
Randall: Now we really need to get her to the Inn. If she's caught lycanthropism, the first moon has already passed. There may not be a way to cure her, now.
DM: The party is taken to the City-of-Caverns, home of the sahuagin. You believe yourselves to be standing before a temple, likely devoted to Sekolah, their Shark-Father.
DM: The sahuagin around you are blathering in their native tongue, and the meaning of their words escapes you, but they do not sound hostile.
DM: Suddenly, their words sound like perfect Common.
DM: The priestess explains she believes you are part of a prophecy. That Sekolah has sent you.
DM: You can play along or try to fight your way through the sahuagin.
Luna: It wouldn't bother me much to slaughter their evil race, but I doubt we'd win and even if we did, it wouldn't help us reach Irenicus.
Sendany: I concur. Let's play along. At least until we have a way out of here.
Tepp: These sahuagin suck, but sure let's play along.
DM: You are brought before the sahuagin king.
Tepp: Tell us his name.
DM: Dick.
DM: Ix... Ixil... Ixilthetocal.
Tepp: And his court, name them.
DM: Sorcerer-Eater, Sorcerer-Devourer, Sorcerer-Stop-Wasting-Our-Time.
Tepp: Hehehe.
DM: The king is not convinced that Sekolah sent you.
DM: He decides you will be tested.
Luna: But we just fought on the ship.
DM: The priestess will heal you, but as the sahuagin don't approve of sorcery, you will not be allowed to rest.
Luna: Okay.
DM: You are matched against an Ettin.
-the party wins handily-
DM: The king no longer doubts you were sent by Sekolah. Or at least that you are useful to him.
DM: He asks that you remove a plague upon the sahuagin race. The rebels on the other end of the city.
Sendany: West Side vs. East Side, yo.
Sendany: Whoops.
Luna: We pretend to agree.
DM: He says you will need to retrieve an artifact from the drow section of the city in order to enter the rebels' stronghold.
Luna: Let's confer.
Luna: I guess there aren't really drow living here, but if they have a section, it might mean the city connects to the Underdark.
Tepp: I'm inclined to agree.
Luna: We can't really hope to reach Athkatla from here. Maybe the Underdark trail is a deception, but it's still our best shot.
Sendany: I concur. Let's see if we can find an exit to the Underdark. Then fish politics can get bent.
Sendany: Also...
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for littering.
Tepp: *pouts* Don't suppose MY Kangaxx arm might have ended up here.
DM: The priestess wishes to speak to you in private.
DM: She explains that the rebels are not at fault. The king is insane. He is a result of poor breeding. He will lead the sahuagin to ruin.
DM: As Sekolah's chosen, she fully expects you will see him replaced. By force.
DM: She hands you an orb, which will let the rebels know you do not mean them harm.
Luna: So we'd be doing the world a favor if we helped the king.
Luna: Or maybe inaction itself would suffice.
Sendany: I too am indifferent. Whatever gets us to the Underdark.
Tepp: No arguments from me. Let's get that artifact.
DM: A guard standing by the entrance to the drow section warns you that the area is crammed with traps.
Sendany: Gotcha.
-the party reaches the imps and the game is explained-
Sendany: Wow wow! Are these people real? Can I get their autographs?
DM: No, they're illusions.
Sendany: So Kangaxx can't abuse the real Elminster here?
DM: No.
Sendany: Is this one of Drizzt's scimitars?
DM: No, it's just representative of one of them.
Sendany: This game SUCKS. I'm gonna write a negative review.
Tepp: Yeah, like, DON'T strive to by some miracle arrive at the City-of-Caverns both alive and considered a friend of the sahuagin, after which you'll navigate through deadly traps and monsters to finally reach the imps so you can play their game. The pieces of the game are not authentic enough.
Sendany: 0/10 would not recommend.
DM: Well you beat the game and the imps don't have a million of these cloaks and boots to hand out so they're not staying anyway.
Sendany: Replayability value rock bottom. -10/10.
DM: *sigh*
DM: You find a Spectator beholder guarding a chest.
Luna: We approach cautiously.
DM: He does not seem hostile, though trying to open the chest would likely change that.
Luna: I introduce us.
DM: He answers in kind.
Tepp: (Whoa, I never knew he had a name.)
DM: (His name is "I'm about to summon twentyfive adamantite golems".)
Tepp: (Dang, Sendy should ask HIM for an autograph.)
Luna: I go through some polite phrases and work my way to asking if the city connects to the Underdark.
DM: He says that it does indeed.
DM: There's a hole in the rebel section that goes straight there.
DM: But it's too long a fall for you to survive. You would need a rope.
Tepp: Hehe. How does the ocean stay out of these caverns so nicely. Imagine if we could break that enchantment or whatever. We'd flood the entire Underdark.
Luna: Not going to happen, prankster.
Tepp: Not this time around. But making a mental note.
Luna: For when you play a character that isn't afraid of drowning? Hope I won't be in that party.
Tepp: A martyr to wipe out all that evil.
Luna: Yeah whatever. We still need what's in that chest. And a rope.
Tepp: Let me handle the chest.
Tepp: Beholder, were you summoned to guard the contents of the chest or just the chest? 'cause we're cool with letting you keep the chest.
DM: ...
DM: Yeah yeah, I guess if I don't comply you actually WILL try to flood the Underdark.
Tepp: You know me so well.
Luna: Would it be in the interests of the sahuagin to keep a rope around?
Sendany: I'm sure they make forays into the Underdark for one reason or another.
Tepp: It would probably also be in the interests of the drow to limit the possibility. Case in point, this artifact.
Luna: Well it's just a rope, not like the drow can keep the sahuagin from scavenging one somewhere. Or making their own.
Tepp: True enough.
Tepp: I tell the priestess some bullshit story about how we need to go to the Underdark after fulfilling the prophecy.
DM: She explains that there's a rope in the royal treasury. The king has the key.
Luna: ...
Luna: Still don't want to help the sahuagin if we can avoid it.
Luna: Better to just aid the king and ask for the rope.
Tepp: Or just kill every walking fish in here.
Sendany: Are ropes so rare that we need to think this big?
DM: You will need a magical rope. Altitude alone is not the problem. The king's rope is magical.
Tepp: Working on a "magical barrier" excuse already in case I do try to flood the Underdark, huh?
DM: You know me so well.
Sendany: I pickpocket the king.
Sendany: Success.
Tepp: Naked fish. Pockets. Yeah.
DM: Good catch. Sendany steals nothing of value. Further pickpocketing not possible.
Tepp: Oops.
Sendany: Well where does he keep the bloody key then.
DM: Nowhere you can steal it. Move along and be glad I didn't let the court see you.
Tepp: Hear me.
Tepp: They tested our worth by pitting us against an ettin. We readily defeated it. No sweat.
Tepp: Our victory impressed them. What's to be scared of?
Tepp: All in favor of genocide?
Sendany: Let's do some choice assassinations to gauge their strength.
Luna: Fine.
-a few dead fish later-
Luna: Well that was easy.
Luna: Okay, but still no genocide. Just get the rope and avoid conflict after that. Let's save our strength for Irenicus.
Tepp: We could kill the king yet aid his soldiers should civil war erupt.
Sendany: Good thinking.
The party wipes out the court and acquires the rope and the Cloak of Mirroring and aid the king's soldiers on their way to the Underdark exit. As they climb down the hole, it's uncertain which side will win, but as the darkness engulfs the group, they find themselves caring little for fish politics. Their minds are set on first hand finding Irenicus, second hand finding a way to the surface.
DM: The Underdark is dark.
Tepp: Really.
DM: Ahead of you is a corridor.
Tepp: Wow, let's not head down the corridor and climb back up instead.
Tepp: Sendy, take the Cloak of Mirroring since Waffles hates the whole mechanic.
Tepp: And then scout ahead.
Sendany: I can't see shit here.
Tepp: Good job rolling a human if you aren't even going to dual class.
Tepp: Group Infravision: On.
Sendany: I scout ahead.
Sendany: I trip like twice.
Tepp: Are you trying to roleplay being unaccustomed to infravision?
Sendany: No, I'm trying to roleplay still not being able to see where I'm putting my feet because the cloak put this glowy thing under them.
Sendany: Also, I might as well roleplay not being able to hide.
Tepp: Can we just head down the empty corridor and talk to the merchants.
DM: Sure.
DM: The merchants greet you in the deep gnome tongue.
Luna: I ask them politely to speak Common.
DM: They apologize and comply. They don't meet many surfacers.
DM: Except those two that passed by recently, one points out.
Tepp: *cough*
DM: ...I mean except that one that passed by recently, two point out.
DM: One points out.
Luna: Irenicus!
Luna: I ask them to describe him.
DM: They describe someone who looks like Irenicus.
Luna: Could it be someone else?
Tepp: Have you seen his bloody face. Who else would want to look like that.
Luna: Where did he go?
DM: He headed for the nearby drow city, Ust Natha.
Tepp: Lore check.
DM: Success. Ust Natha has been the staging point of many drow attacks on their surface kin.
DM: Suffice to say, it is a well defended city and storming it would be suicide. Especially if Irenicus is there.
Luna: I wonder if we have any other option. Let's ask around.
Luna: By the way, I don't suppose these merchants sell chocolate?
Tepp: Of course they do, did you miss all the cocoa and sugarcane plantations earlier?
Tepp: I buy a Freedom scroll. Actually, all of them, just in case.
Tepp: Oh, and I inquire until I actually have a reason to use one scroll. Hehe.
DM: You approach a swirly portal. An elemental appears.
Tepp: I send my five hasted magical swords at it and call for a dinner break while they keep destroying the elementals.
DM: Uh, okay. Did you order anything?
Tepp: Well not for you, you're gonna be rolling for the next ten minutes. My swords will move on to the other portals when-
DM: Your summons, your rolls.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Just give us 250k experience and let's have dinner.
DM: Deal.
DM: The Freedom spell frees a mage, Vithal, from the confines of the Imprisonment spell.
DM: He wonders if he has been freed to do battle.
Tepp: Nope, we're nice.
Tepp: But since he's clearly a surfacer he must have a special reason to be here. Whatever his plans are, we are now part of them.
DM: He explains that after much research he believes he has found a way to cross the planes using the swirly portals.
DM: He intends to plunder several elemental planes. If you help him, part of the loot is yours.
DM: But he needs his book of rituals. He dropped it before he was imprisoned and now he can't find it.
DM: Should you find it, he'll be at one of the portals.
-the party heads north and kills some drow, and then frees all the victims of imprisonment, sparing every life possible-
Luna: That svirfneblin town sounds like somewhere we should go. The deep gnomes seem friendly.
DM: The gnomes allow you to pass, but ask that you... on your best behavior be.
Luna: I thank them.
Tepp: I talk to every gnome with a name.
DM: One named Goldander understands your problem, and believes he can be of assistance.
DM: A creature named Adalon-
Tepp: Is she a deep gnome?
DM: No, she's a wondrous-
Tepp: Does she have an eyepatch?
DM: ...
Tepp: Is she a woman?
DM: Elan is your idol*, admit it. And shut up.
DM: Adalon can likely counsel you, but to see her you will need a Light Gem.
Sendany: Hmm, emptying the gem bag.
DM: You don't have one in there.
Sendany: Are you sure? This pearl for example feels rather light compared to a diamond.
DM: Not a light gem, a Light Gem.
Sendany: Oh so now it's okay to be a bitch about capitalization when we're actually speaking.
DM: A VERY SHINY GEM OKAY CAN WE CONTINUE.
DM: Goldander has such a stone, and will give it to you in exchange for a favor.
Tepp: Find a stool, I don't think Waffles can give him a favor even if she gets on her knees.
Luna: Nice job revealing that I'm playing a tall race.
Tepp: I'm not surprised that was your chief concern.
DM: *sigh*
DM: The gnomes were a bit too diggy and found something nasty. You have to kill it and then undig the hole with the Earthshape scroll provided.
Luna: Okay, that sounds like a plan.
Tepp: Sendy, a fateful choice will be made again.
Sendany: This is painful.
Tepp: Before long, both the limbs will be gone. So it doesn't really matter which one goes.
Sendany: I'll go, no problem.
Sendany: Just one crime to repeat on the list. Because three is a magic number.
-the party brings the balor to the brink of death-
Sendany: Framing Kangaxx for colonoscopic malpractice.
DM: The balor dies, along with a little of my faith in humanity.
Sendany: I throw my Kangaxx arm down the hole.
Sendany: I mean, the hole the gnomes dug.
Sendany: Not the hole-
DM: Yeah, we get it.
Tepp: I don't, please elaborate.
Luna: You were concerned the leg was useless, but I am quite close to taking it and framing Kangaxx for kicking both of you down this hole THAT THE GNOMES DUG.
Sendany: Sheesh, no need to be so specific. What other hole could you even be talking about?
Tepp: I use the Earthshape scroll.
DM: The cavern looks like it did before the gnomes started digging.
DM: Goldander gives you the Light Gem.
Sendany: It's kind of heavy-
DM: Don't. Start.
DM: He also gives you a magical mace. Skullcrusher +3.
Luna: Wow, at long last I have a +3 weapon.
DM: Could have had a pretty amazing one long ago if the jackass didn't leave the de'Arnise Keep without restoring the flail.
Tepp: It was on the list of things to do. I blame you for letting the Roenalls have the keep as soon as we left.
DM: Because of the manner in which you left.
Sendany: I don't think the readers know.
Tepp: We'll tell them when we have some time off.
DM: You ALWAYS have time off. There's no real timer.
Tepp: Then we'll wait until we tend to have timers so we can tell it in our spare time.
DM: Suit yourselves.
DM: You receive some lousy bracers for saving some guy's son and you pick up the mage's book of rituals.
Tepp: Okay, we return it to the mage.
Tepp: Right, listen up sir mage.
Tepp: We don't care for the lousy stick you're gonna end up giving us, or even for the things you'll keep for yourself.
Tepp: We ask but one thing in exchange for our services.
Tepp: *tears welling up*
Luna: It's NOT tragic to give up the final limb, okay.
Sendany: Yes it is.
Sendany: I thought women liked sensitive men.
Luna: Only officially.
Tepp: On that note, do you know of a greater turnoff?
Luna: Several, but that one is both effective and always available.
Tepp: Good to know. Anyway, back to Vithal.
Tepp: He will drop Kangaxx' remaining leg on one of the planes. We don't want to know which. He will tell no one else anything of it.
Tepp: Preferably, he will forget it ever happened.
DM: He is perplexed, but he agrees.
Tepp: We also assume he will guard his secrets of planar travel very well.
DM: He will.
Tepp: Okay, let's go. Fire gate.
DM: A guardian appears. It is a fire elemental.
Tepp: Do tell us of how he uses Burning Hands on it.
Tepp: Clearly it takes a bloody genius to figure out planar travel.
DM: Let's wrap this trivial miniquest up, okay?
Tepp: Sure.
DM: The mage is relieved you were honorable businessmen. He wishes you good luck.
Sendany: I subtly pickpocket him, but only to confirm the leg is gone.
DM: It is.
Luna: Let's see this Adalon now.
DM: (I'm surprised you didn't want to run off and get all three ritual items first.)
Tepp: (I've done that so many times. Like first, she asks for them, and I have the option to say I already acquired this one, or that one, but I can't say I have all three.)
Tepp: (So I have to like talk to her again and then she just takes all three and pretends I only got one.)
Tepp: (Every time I hope it will be different, that she will instantly drop her dark panties before my might.)
Tepp: (Every time, I am disappointed. The bloody bitch is more impressed I killed the sorry Solaufein, even. So no. We will wait until we receive the quest, and then we will take our time and get ONE of the items.)
Tepp: (My heart can't bear to be broken again.)
DM: Adalon's cavern is bloody huge and yet you are all too stupid to suspect she's a dragon.
Tepp: Also a woman.
DM: Not because of the size of her lair.
Tepp: If Waffles' chocolate consumption weren't limited by our economy, that logic might not hold.
DM: Riveting story, chap.
DM: Adalon is a bit upset because Irenicus stole her eggs and gave them to the drow.
DM: She is tasked with upholding peace between the surface elves and the drow, but she has been informed that if she interferes with their plans they will be serving omelet in Ust Natha.
DM: If you help her get her eggs back, she will grant you safe passage to the surface, the same way Irenicus left.
DM: You may also have a pretty useless crossbow.
Luna: And how does she propose we do that?
DM: You infiltrate Ust Natha. She will disguise you as drow. Do whatever you need to do to get her eggs back.
Luna: Any objections?
Sendany: Shiny silver scales. Good dragon. Probably nice.
Tepp: No objections. Yet anyway.
Luna: Okay, we agree.
DM: She casts a powerful illusion spell that disguises you all as drow, and teaches you to speak their dark tongue fluently.
DM: She also recommends-
Tepp: Okay, now I object. Nobody will be called Veldrin.
DM: Why not?
Tepp: Let's talk about the fundamentals of drow society. Breed, Betray, Behead.
Tepp: It is imperative for them to breed like all the time to not exterminate themselves with their constant killing.
Tepp: Furthermore, when it comes to elves, it's hard to tell men from women. They all look like women.
Sendany: Especially the women.
Tepp: You didn't mess that joke up at all.
Tepp: My point is, a drow needs to have a name that speaks their gender. You can't run around with a unisex name like Veldrin. They wouldn't know what to do with you.
DM: Then I'd sympathize with them.
Tepp: So let us pick our own names.
DM: Do you know anything about drow names?
Tepp: Watch and learn. Inspired by the name Solaufein, I will be Yolofein.
Luna: Here we go...
Sendany: Inspired by the name Zaknafein Do'Urden, I shall be Swagnafein Do'Urmom.
Tepp: Bahaha! I'm Sendy's brother. Kangaxx high five... aww, we can't anymore.
Luna: Truly a tragedy.
Luna: Actually...
Luna: I'll go with the Drizzt theme and be Maya Do'Urmom.
Tepp: That's funny because Maya sounds like may I.
DM: Aha.
Sendany: Her manners put us all to shame.
Luna: Can we go to the fucking city now.
Sendany: Okay, not anymore.
* Order of the Stick, strip 0266. Always makes me laugh.
(naturally I had to edit for word wrap)
DM: You've been expected. You are sent to talk to one Solaufein.
Tepp: Okay, everyone act as wimpy as can be without blowing our cover. Let me do the talking whenever possible.
Luna: We can't be wimpy at all. We're drow.
Tepp: The drow can't argue our efficiency even if we act all emasculated.
Tepp: Look, I've been really nice since... since, you know.
Luna: I know.
Luna: You have.
Luna: Okay, if you say so.
Tepp: We act like wimps when talking to Solaufein.
DM: (I can't even understand why you would do this.)
Tepp: (Good.)
DM: Solaufein looks down on you and tells you to go to the city entrance.
Tepp: Consider it done.
Tepp: We keep acting like wimps before Solaufein and...
DM: Imrae.
DM: Imrae wonders why the female is being a wimp too.
Tepp: (Sound male.)
Luna: (I have a female name.)
Tepp: (Pft, I'm sure it'll fly as unisex too.)
Luna: (I hate you.)
Luna: I put on a male voice.
DM: Imrae hopes you all get killed but succeed with the task before you.
DM: You are to kill some illithid and free some important drow named Phaere.
Luna: Okay.
Luna: You better not break the quest with your illithid-repellant brain.
Tepp: "Repellant" and "break" mix well in your world, eh.
Luna: Ha. Ha.
DM: Do you wish to tell Solaufein anything before you start?
Sendany: I want to talk about the trauma of my first kill.
DM: He's not interested.
Sendany: I am hurt.
DM: He senses the illithid nearby, and pulls them out of the Astral Plane.
Tepp: Okay, kick their asses as hard as possible.
-the party kicks the illithid's asses as hard as possible-
DM: Phaere is impressed by your fighting skills.
Tepp: We only wish we could have solved things peacefully.
DM: Phaere is repelled by your lack of balls, and says something about never expecting Solaufein to be the manliest drow in her presence.
DM: You are to return to Ust Natha and meet Phaere at the entrance.
DM: Phaere joins Club Pity The Party, but can't argue your usefulness.
DM: She says to meet her at the tavern.
Tepp: We meet her at the tavern.
DM: She says to meet her at the entrance. Again.
Tepp: We meet her at the entrance. Again.
DM: She says to meet her at like the other end of the city.
Sendany: Is this because we're wimps?
Tepp: Nah, women can't make up their minds.
DM: Phaere says now you're gonna kill a beholder.
DM: Solaufein tries to explain, without breaking the fourth wall, to not hit him or Phaere with any recklessly aimed AoE spells, because they will go bonkers even on the 65% probability that they resist them and the 100% probability that they survive them.
DM: Phaere gets interrupted before she can point out that she can outheal the damage anyway.
Tepp: We kick the beholder's ass hard.
DM: It does not have one.
Tepp: Figure of speech.
-the beholder gets roflstomped-
Luna: Wow, so you can kill beholders without whipping out the cheeseshield.
Sendany: I do the cloak dance.
Luna: You don't have one.
Sendany: Do now.
DM: Phaere says to meet her at the tavern.
DM: Okay, now you have some time off.
DM: The readers are dying to know of some quests.
Tepp: Fortunate it is that the journal automagically divides itself into completed and unfinished quests.
Tepp: I bet the readers want to know why Waffles keeps whining about beholders and cheese.
Tepp: It's because we used a certain shield during the Unseeing Eye quest.
Luna: And you laughed to no end about how effortlessly we defeated the beholders.
Sendany: While pointing out there's no such thing as a Challenge Rating in second edition.
Luna: You were the one pointing that out.
Tepp: Well anyway, Waffles refused to claim a reward for such a stomp. But we did do everything except report success. So we're still heroes.
Luna: At least you conceded a good deed is its own reward.
Luna: Not all character progress is measured in experience points.
Tepp: Well, you were the one closest to a level up, so it was indirectly rewarding.
Luna: Bah.
DM: Sendany also had to wait unnecessarily long to get a +3 weapon.
Luna: Yeah, here we go.
Luna: Your dumbest project ever. And that's saying a lot.
Tepp: *sniff* It involved Kangaxx...
Sendany: A toast to the petty criminal, Kangaxx!
Tepp: Indeed, a toast.
Luna: Just for the record, we did at least kill the Shade Lord as we fled the Umar dungeon. Before these stories make us seem totally incompetent.
Sendany: We finished Mae'var off, but Horsebreath wouldn't go turn it in immediately.
Sendany: Because he wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Stock up on Feeblemind scrolls.
Tepp: Which, naturally, takes us to the de'Arnise Hold. Because everyone knows there's one such scroll behind Tor'Gal.
DM: "Everyone" also knows there however aren't enough scrolls overall to do what you wanted to do.
Tepp: My memory can't be perfect. Intelligence is for mages.
Tepp: So anyway, being logistically-minded as I am, we picked up the fire and acid heads on our way to Tor'Gal.
Sendany: And then you wanted to not put the stew in the right place.
Tepp: Hehe, no.
Sendany: Must be pointed out how well isolated our backpacks are. The umber hulks can like instantly smell the stew from like three rooms away, but not as we walk right past them.
Tepp: Like he said, we sneaked past the umber hulks. Improved Invisibility and stuff. Great spell, for the record. Easy +4 saving throws.
Tepp: Then we killed Tor'Gal. And looted the stuff behind him. Got that scroll.
Tepp: And then I wanted to use the stew to lure the umber hulks all the way to Kangaxx' sarcophagus.
Tepp: And ultimately put it inside, because you can put things in it, but not take them out.
Sendany: Good buddy Kangaxx would have six umber hulks protecting him instead of those lousy minotaurs.
DM: Logistically-minded as you are, you couldn't complete the flail and report success before starting your two digit hours Arnise-Athkatla gauntlet.
Tepp: A small oversight, yes.
Luna: Also, there were only five umber hulks in the room.
Tepp: Yet the bloody stove keeps saying the pot is full enough to feed six for some reason.
Luna: Stoves don't speak.
Tepp: Wish you didn't.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, the Lord of the Level had our umber hulk entourage killed as soon as we entered the Gates District.
Sendany: A toast to the umber hulks. They fought bravely.
Tepp: A toast, a toast.
DM: Else I would have had them starve to death.
Tepp: A toast to like the only beings in the game that actually require sustenance.
Sendany: A toast, a toast.
Tepp: The minotaurs did fine without, for example.
Sendany: And when we returned to the keep, it was like locked and stuff. Roenall property.
Sendany: Nalia was not too pleased with the delay in reporting success.
Sendany: Nor was she, for some reason, impressed by me juggling the two now-useless flail heads.
Sendany: She did not like us at all.
Tepp: A toast to your ability to juggle two items.
Sendany: Thank you! A toast to your creativeness.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, then we got really mad with the DM and forgot about Renal until we made the Shadow Thieves angry-
Sendany: -but not before subtly disposing of Arkanis Gath at the cost of a Kangaxx leg, if anyone didn't catch it-
Tepp: -so Renal didn't wanna stay for us to report success.
Tepp: And then we kinda had to get the Celestial Fury to make Sendy stop crying.
DM: You realize, by the way, that no one has called you out on an inconsistency.
DM: You never did the Windspear dungeon, yet you had the Illithid Correspondence to dump in Kangaxx' sarcophagus.
Tepp: Um...
Tepp: (Is it Tazok that has the key? I hope it's Tazok.)
Tepp: (Who the hell keeps track of what DigDag drops and what Tazok drops. Maybe some metagamer who kills DigDag at the entrance.)
Tepp: Tazok was sore about some of our history and sought us out. Much encouraged by Firkraag.
Sendany: That's canon now.
Tepp: Yep. Many toasts to it.
Sendany: Twenty toasts to Tazok's vendetta.
Tepp: It's your job to call that out, anyway.
DM: Fine.
DM: And why did you not do the Planar Prison?
Tepp: 'cause we set ourselves up perfectly for not getting more than two pairs of Boots of Speed before this campaign was over.
Tepp: Even one pair now, as it turns out.
Tepp: Would have been endless whine about not everyone having a pair. I'm a nice guy, really.
Sendany: Could also just have sold them if that were the issue. Where my Gauntlets of Weapon Skill, bro?
Tepp: Bah, you'll get better ones.
Tepp: (Wonder if they will actually be in the vampire lair now that we wiped out the guild prematurely. Drat.)
DM: There's another thing the readers wonder.
DM: I wonder it too.
DM: It's a rather fundamental thing that everyone should have been told by now, really.
Tepp: (Oh shit oh shit.)
DM: What's Luna's deity?
Tepp: (Whew.)
Luna: Selûne.
Tepp: Really creative there. Luna, follower of Selûne.
Sendany: A toast to her creativity!
Tepp: Yeah whatever, a toast.
Luna: Would have been so original if Selûne were called Selemene, wouldn't it.
Tepp: Don't think anyone here plays Dota 2, and if they do I don't think they care about the "lore".
DM: Hmm.
DM: So a cleric of Selûne first tries to stop the execution of a cleric of Shar, and then performs the deed herself.
Luna: I didn't know the drow was a cleric of Shar.
Luna: Also, we agreed Kangaxx did it.
Sendany: She's right! Kangaxx climbs the criminal ladder.
Tepp: A toast to Kangaxx, slayer of twelve!
Sendany: A toast, a toast!
Sendany: I bet Luna always wanted to have one or two limbs for herself. It was very insensitive of us not to share.
Tepp: Well, if sensitive turns her off-
Luna: I kick Tepp in the balls. OOC.