@deltago While I gotta love your enthusiasm if you ever do DM a game just remember, its your job to entertain, not kill. A well done campaign changes and evolves just as the player's characters do and always keeps them the focus, the great heros or villains and ends with them feeling that they've made a big difference in whatever world they're in. I've rarely ran campaigns from start to end but the last one I did ended with the players ending a hundred year war, becoming the greatest heros on the island continent they were on and in one case one of the players actually cried (Though to be fair, she cries easily). Oh, and another became a god.
That being said, these parodies mostly make fun of how most games actually go, especially with new players or players with far too much experience. /end DM lecture.
@deltago While I gotta love your enthusiasm if you ever do DM a game just remember, its your job to entertain, not kill. A well done campaign changes and evolves just as the player's characters do and always keeps them the focus, the great heros or villains and ends with them feeling that they've made a big difference in whatever world they're in. I've rarely ran campaigns from start to end but the last one I did ended with the players ending a hundred year war, becoming the greatest heros on the island continent they were on and in one case one of the players actually cried (Though to be fair, she cries easily). Oh, and another became a god.
That being said, these parodies mostly make fun of how most games actually go, especially with new players or players with far too much experience.
Oh I know. My last comment was more of a joke than anything. More in the lines of a DM that rolls out Tome of Horrors for his first campaign.
@deltago While I gotta love your enthusiasm if you ever do DM a game just remember, its your job to entertain, not kill. A well done campaign changes and evolves just as the player's characters do and always keeps them the focus, the great heros or villains and ends with them feeling that they've made a big difference in whatever world they're in. I've rarely ran campaigns from start to end but the last one I did ended with the players ending a hundred year war, becoming the greatest heros on the island continent they were on and in one case one of the players actually cried (Though to be fair, she cries easily). Oh, and another became a god.
That being said, these parodies mostly make fun of how most games actually go, especially with new players or players with far too much experience.
Oh I know. My last comment was more of a joke than anything. More in the lines of a DM that rolls out Tome of Horrors for his first campaign.
Hahaha, funny story about that... (It's 1e AD&D too.)
DM: As you approach the Amnish Garrison in Naskhel, you notice a warrior looking man standing in front of it. He looks like he is searching for someone or help from someone, though taking in account how muscled his body is, you can't wonder how and what kind of help is needed. Player 1 (Fighter): How does he look exactly? DM: He has quite a tan and looks like he comes from the more southern lands. His equipment is quite scaffed and it looks like he already has had quite a journey before ending up here. His most striking feature isn't a purple tattoo that covers his face however, it is that he is seemingly talking to something in his hand. Player 3 (Wizard): A familiar! Damnit, I got to have it! DM: When you take a closer look you notice that he is holding a hamster in his hand. He has noticed you approaching him adn hails you: 'Stand and deliver, that my hamster have a better look at you! I am Minsc and I have-' Wizard: Wait, what? Player 2 (Thief): Did you just say hamster? DM: The fighter replies: 'This is no ordinary hamster. It is a Miniature Giant Space Hamster. I am Minsc and together with Boo we are on a quest to-' Fighter: Oh dear god, the village crazy man has made his appearance... DM: No I am Minsc and I have a qu- Thief: That guy is nuts, but is hamster is awesome. Roll for pickpocket *roll DM: *Annoyed* Just wait and let him finish! You rolled a 6, so you fail. The Ranger pulls back his hand and looks at you with annoyance and anger. 'This is no time for games, I need your he-' Fighter: I kick him in the head until he is unconsious...or dead! *roll Fighter: 20! Ha, guess it is death then! Wizard: Awesome! I take the hamster Thief: *to the DM* why are your throwing those sheets away? DM: Is there going to be a moment when you guys aren't going to kill my creations?
DM:And so you finally reach the fallen temple of Bhaal. The place where Sarevok awaits to fight you and the young bhaalspawn you've taken on as your ward. Fighter:You mean the DMPC? DM:Hey, you guys wanted a cleric. I provided. Fighter:Still a DMPC DM:Shut up. Sarevok laughs from across a huge symbol of Bhaal, awaiting your attack with the evil ogre Tazok, the corrupt flaming fist Angelo, and the powerful wizard Semaj wait with him, mocking you with words and laughter. Bard:Who's Semaj? Fighter:Hell I don't remember half the NPCs the DM throws at us. DM:...Thank you for that. Fighter:Paladin? You going to do your thing? Paladin:No need. There are two kinds of evil in the world. Evil that is wicked for lack of knowing there is another way in wich to live, another way to thrive, and evil that knows of such ways and takes advantage of those whom live such lives of humbleness. I know wich we face! Fighter:Nice role playing there. Alright guys, you know the plan. Wizard? Disable Semaj and have a good old fashion wizard duel. Wizard:I got my protection spells up, cast haste post battle and we're ready to kick all the butts. Fighter:Bard, stone skinned and ready to go? Bard:Tazoks mine. I'll get him for killing me in the butt. Fighter:I think that was another ogre. DM:Hes *half* ogre. Bard:Whatever, the important part is I stab him in the groin. Fighter:Paladin? Paladin:Angelo is mine. Such corruption and misuse of what should be a force of good cannot be allowed! Fighter:Guess I got Sarevok. I doubt I can beat him, have the cleric heal me until you guys take down your targets, then we strike as one! Everyone:HUZZAH! Fighter:RUUU- DM:Ooh, set off a trap there. Fighter:What DM:So did the bard, actually Fighter:What. DM:Savings throws people. Oh. Damn. Looks like the wizard and bard are asleep now. Fighter:Seriously. DM:And damn, that one set off a fireball Fighter:SERIOUSLY?! Bard:Wait wait...Damn. I'm dead. Wizard:Me too. Paladin:Did...Did Tazok just crit me? Fighter:I told you to wear a helmet! Paladin:STYLE IS A THING! ITS CALLED ROLE PLAYING! Fighter:Why was there traps?! We don't have a thief! We had no way of finding them! DM:Hey, not my problem. Fighter:Seriously?! You just kill us all like that in the final battle?! Bard:This sucks. I'm going back to porn instead of trying to seduce fake imaginary ladies. At least porn is a better actor. Fighter:This entire thing is bullshit! DM:I *told* you guys you should have had a thief. Fighter:And you said no problem you'd adapt! DM:Hey, that symbol was right there. You could have walked around it.
Three hours of raging later.
DM:...So...Wanna play the sequel? Fighter:...Eh. Kinda burned out on DnD. DM:Its got a new race and new classes and several new kits, wich modify existing class abilities. Bard:wait, what bard kits are there? DM:Well, you got skald, jester, blade. Bard:Blade. I want blade. Can I slay vampires? DM:Yes, the campaign does have vampires. Bard:...Hot vampires? DM:Well, she wears a corset and not much else. Bard:Sold! Wizard:Dude, theres no way they could make a wizard kit better then wizard. Not sold. DM:You can be a sorcerer. You can cast more fireballs and learn spells natural instead of via scrolls. Wizard:You had me at more fireballs. Fighter:...Huh. Half-orc barbarian? It might be nice to be a fighter focused on damage. Kind of tired of dwarven fighters. Paladin:I call assassin. DM:Really? Paladin:Time to see how the other half lives. Oh, I will try to subtle kill everyone we meet, just to warn. Fighter:Including us? Paladin:*Especially* you guys. Bard:I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Wizard:You mean where we all try to kill each other and argue alot? Bard:Best kind. DM:Welcome to DnD, my friends.
@deltago While I gotta love your enthusiasm if you ever do DM a game just remember, its your job to entertain, not kill. A well done campaign changes and evolves just as the player's characters do and always keeps them the focus, the great heros or villains and ends with them feeling that they've made a big difference in whatever world they're in. I've rarely ran campaigns from start to end but the last one I did ended with the players ending a hundred year war, becoming the greatest heros on the island continent they were on and in one case one of the players actually cried (Though to be fair, she cries easily). Oh, and another became a god.
That being said, these parodies mostly make fun of how most games actually go, especially with new players or players with far too much experience.
Oh I know. My last comment was more of a joke than anything. More in the lines of a DM that rolls out Tome of Horrors for his first campaign.
Hahaha, funny story about that... (It's 1e AD&D too.)
For those curious, this is a friend of mine running Tomb of Horrors and I think its her first campaign too. I intend to join it as a Dwarf named Dwarf. His class is also Dwarf. His gender? Dwarf. If he dies he will be replaced with his brother, a dwarf named Dwarf #2. Upon his death his sister named Dwarf #3 will join...They didn't have very creative parents.
Thief: See ya, I'm off to go loot. Be back by nightfall... *smoke bomb VANISH*
DM: What? wait...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Yeah! We have a noble quest to go on that requires our might!
Fighter: Stomping on a couple of stupid spiders for some wrinkled old lady? Doesn't sound so noble to me...
DM: A man approaches you. He wears a lute across his back and speaks with a slight stutter. "He-ello. M-ight I have a w-ord with you? I am Garrick"
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Of course! What seems to be the problem?
DM: "M-my employer has a de-delicate situation and is willing to p-pay handsomely!"
Wizard: We're in. Always on the lookout for some more coin, I say
DM: You walk a short distance away and come across an attractive woman. "Hello, I am Silke. Thespian extrodinaire! I trust my associate has filled you in on the situation? No? Well, no matter, some men are on their way to attack me and I must defend myself!"
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Why, of course! We're always willing to help out a pretty lady!
DM: Three men approach, these must be the ones Silke was worried about! "Silke, we have brought the items you requested"
Fighter: Huh?
DM: They're here! They're trying to attack me, protect me!
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: I stand before my lady with my shield held high!
Wizard: Umm, dude. Something's not right here...
DM: The foremost of the three men shouts "What is the meaning of this!"
Lawul-Stupid Paladin: No one hurts pretty ladies when I'm around, buddy!
Fighter: Hey now, you know I'm all for a good rough and tumble, but she's clearly trying to pull a fast one on us...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Nonesense! Just look at that face! I cast Detect Evil to prove that their accusations are absurd!
DM: As our idiot Paladin casts his spell, he stands there with an odd, confused look on his face. Meanwhile, Silke has realized that the jig is up and throws a Lightning Bolt at said look. You take 17 damage and fall to the ground near death.
-several minutes later-
DM: Silke has died, the three men who did absolutely nothing to assist you offer their thanks and a token potion for appreciation.
Wizard: Well, I'll take her staff since she seems to have throughly rammed it up my arse already.
DM: You should probably take care that your party leader doesn't drown in that puddle, by the way...
*POOF* Thief re-appears: Hey guys, check out what I found *Pulls out various weapons and gems*
Fighter: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!
Thief: *shrug* Around...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Well I could have used some TEAMWORK back there!
Wizard: Well, you missed seeing this moron gett hit by a Lightning Bolt to the face.
DM: The party enters an area of farmland and a small fishing village. As it approaches it can see a single farmer pacing frantically back and forth with what looks like a concerned look on his face. To the west of him lies a small fishing village. Outside of the village you can see what appears to be three villagers locked in fierce debate.
(The group approaches the group of villagers and begins to converse with a villager wearing a bright blue tunic).
DM (Sonner): Damn it we can't go on like this forever! We must act!
DM (Sonner): You there (points towards Paladin), we're being harassed by a priest of the bitch queen Umberlee. She's already killed two of us. I'll offer you a quality magical weapon if you strongarm her into stopping her harassment.
Paladin: I tell him I understand and am willing to help. I decline the offer of the weapon though.
Druid: I'm just going to point out that Umberlee plays an important roll in nature and is a valid part of the pantheon of the gods. These fisherman knew the risks and personally I'm inclined to leave this up to Umberlee.
Bard (chaotic neutral): Yea, yea yea. Valid part of this and that. Honestly what is it you really do here druid? Me I'm far more concerned about the weight of my wallet and these guys are giving us a cashable item! Lets do what they ask and cash in!
DM: These are not the sort of people who can afford to give away such a valuable item.
Bard: Who cares what they can afford! I only care what I can afford. Lets just do this quest, get our reward, and leave.
Druid: Fine
The group leaves the area travelling north. Along the way it encounters and defeats a handful of Ankhegs. It is nearly nightfall when they approach a cabin not much further north of the bridge to Baldur's Gate. In front of the cabin a young woman paces back and forth.
Fighter: Did you run out of cliches to think of? Young woman out in the woods all alone at night. I'll bet she's evil too. You better use detect evil there Paladin.
Paladin: *rolls 18 (succeeds)*
DM: Yep, you can tell she's evil.
Fighter: Well then. Lets just talk to her and see what this is all about.
DM: The young woman is hostile towards your presence near her "land home" and she accuses you of working for the fisherman.
Paladin: I fully admit this and demand that she cease her harassment at once.
DM: The young woman becomes increasingly hostile and begins casting cleric magic. I'll let your cleric make a roll to see if he can determine her level of experience.
Cleric: *rolls 8*
DM: As the battle begins her inexperience gradually becomes obvious to you. At the start of battle she casts a very low level spell against your paladin and it fails. Beyond that from what you can tell (with your own limited martial prowess) she seems capable enough with a weapon.
Cleric: So can I tell if she's actually the priest we are looking for or just another evil priest.
DM: You can't determine that. Though given that she mentioned the fisherman you figure its probably her.
(the battle continues with the players rolling a few more hits against the priest).
Fighter: Seriously she isn't dead yet?
DM: Something seems to be preventing you from killing her. She drops her weapon and concedes defeat. She explains...
Fighter: Wait, wait, wait hold on a second. She can't be killed by us? We're well armed adventurers. If she can't be killed by us what was stopping her from going over to those unarmed fisherman and killing them?
DM: She says there must be a shrine or something like it preventing her from seeing where the bowl is. She doesn't know which deity it is or where the shrine is located.
Fighter: Right but she has a weapon. Whats to stop her from going over and fighting the three unarmed fisherman?
DM: She says she is too weak for a physical confrontation with them.
Fighter: That seems kind of convenient considering she seems to have done alright against the 5 of us and we have actual weapons and armor.
DM: She explains that her mother was a priest of Umberlee until the fisherman killed her and took her elemental summoning bowl for their own personal use. Its the bowls power that concerns her. They apparently tortured her mother until she gave them the words needed to use it. She explains that she is now more powerful than her mother because the fisherman have angered Umberlee and Umberlee now grants her extra power. She offers to assist you at some point in the future if you help her now, though she doesn't hint as to when that will be (and for what).
Cleric: So she wants us to go back to the guys (who might I add had strong enough outside help to torture and kill this priest of Umberlee) and convince them to give back the bowl? Even knowing that the summoning bowl they control holds a lot of power and knowing that she is already guilty of murder herself. Anyone here really care enough about this chick to risk our necks?
Fighter: Not really Druid: At this point I'd say no Paladin: Absolutely not Bard: She's weak and the fisherman are the ones offering a reward immediately. I say we kill her!
DM: Seeing how you have no interest in helping her she prepares for another fight.
(the battle is quick, with the druid scoring a critical hit against her with his quarterstaff).
Bard: Well I'll be damned; we finally got a use out of the druid! So do we have to like...carry her to them to collect on this?
Druid: I think we should just leave her. Even I don't want to take care of that. Leave that to the wolves. I'm sure the fisherman can themselves tell soon enough if she is still a problem.
(The group walks southwards back to the village. The villagers still seem to be outside. The group approaches them).
Paladin: Hey... so we have taken care of your priest problem.
DM (Sonner): Talos be praised! Finally she is no longer and we can take the seas for all they are worth! Here, take this flail it has no use for me now!
Bard: Sweet. I say we give it to the cleric so that he'll actually be useful!
Cleric: Hey, one of these days we are going to encounter a large amount of undead and you'll look like a fool.
Druid: I thought he already was the fool.
Cleric: Good point.
Paladin: Getting back to the campaign here guys...was what we just did good or evil?
Bard: Good, evil, its all in the eyes of the beholder. What really matters is money. Speaking of which we're still running a bit low on it. Hmm...didn't you also say that there was a farmer here that looks desperate? Lets go fleece some money off of him!
Her initial voiced line makes her seem younger than she really probably is. Her dialogue in Baldur's Gate in particular makes her seem certainly older than 12. Plus she doesn't have a child's sprite.
If she uses a grown woman sprite, that's old enough for me, lol. Besides, doing girls of questionable age was common during those medieval/fantasy times if you believe the A Song of Ice and Fire series.
When I do the quest I usually help her, then kill her as she's teleporting away.
Does the child sprite even have attack or casting animations? If not then that's probably the reason as to why Tenya looks older. Well, either that or she had a received a growth spurt blessing from the Bitch Queen.
It tells you in your journal she's 12. She uses the elven female sprite, even though she's human. The child sprite doesn't have animations, but also in some countries it would have been illegal to graphically show violence against children.
DM: Upon stepping through the tent door, the world seems to shift. When it settles, you find yourself standing at one end of a bizarre walkway as the wind blows over you. A massive tower rises on the side of the bridge. The tent door is nowhere to be found. You shall have to go forward. Wizard: I cast the spell detect illusion to find the door. DM: Err.... I guess the whole place lights up like a christmas tree. You are surrounded by illusions, but they are powerful. And will not be dispelled by not believing or by your understanding of magic Wizard: Can I see the tent door? DM: no Wizard: Even if I look for the one thing that is not lighting up DM: No Bard: There is no spoon DM: No movie quotes. Look, the door cannot be found. You must cross the bridge to figure out how to dispel this massive illusion. Wizard: Fine i guess we start walking across the bridge Fighter: If a troll shows up, so help you god. DM: errr... as you start to cross the bridge a Genie appears. Fighter: BS. It was suppose to be a troll and you changed it at the last minute DM: No I didn't. Fighter: Sure. I draw my blade and prepare to attack DM: The Genie looks as you "Aha! I see a wayfarer has come to amuse Kalah! You must answer a riddle, naturally, ere I will you to pass this bridge. Are you ready to hear it? Fighter: I attack *rolls for initiative* DM: The Genie has no intention on fighting you. Fighter: Doesn't matter. I want the XP DM: He will only give XP if you answer the riddle. Wizard: Hey, if he isn't going to fight, why don't we just ignore him and walk right by DM: There is an invisible barrier that is preventing you from walking by until you answer the riddle Fighter: I answer the riddle with my blade. *Rolls an attack* 18 DM: Your attack lands but doesn't do any damage. The genie is immune. Fighter: I need a bigger sword DM: No you need to answer the riddle Wizard: I choose to ignore the genie. I know he is just an illusion and doesn't exist. Bard: There is no spoon. DM: Even when you ignore him and are able to tell he is an illusion he doesn't disappear. Only answering the riddle will make him go away. Fighter: Do we *need* to cross the bridge. Can't we swim across or climb down. DM: No it is a bottomless pit, attempting to jump off the bridge will result in you falling forever. Wizard: It is an illusion. I know it is an illusion, I wouldn't fall forever. I prepare to leap. DM: JUST ANSWER THE RIDDLE Fighter/Wizard: Fine Bard: There is no spoon. That's the answer DM: No it isn't. Wizard: Why do we have to pass over the bridge DM: Because it is symbolic of your progression to enlightenment and understanding. W/B/F: *Blank stare* Fighter: I roll to attack. DM: NO! Are you ready to proceed? Wizard: I guess. DM: Excellent! A princess is as old as the prince will be when the princess is twice as old as the prince was when the princess' age was half the sum of their present age. How old are the princess and prince. W/B/F: *blank stare* Fighter: This is why math majors should not be DMs. Wizard: I use my superior intelligence to answer the question. Let us pass. DM: No I need a real answer. Fighter: Fine. My answer is "I don't know" DM: The genie says: "You will get nowhere if you do not make an attempt. Being as benevolent as the mighty Kalah, however, I will allow you another opportunity." Fighter: I don't want one. DM: Bah. It is basic math! The princess' current age = h. The prince's current age = k. The princess' age at a certain point in the past was (h + k)/2. The prince's age at that time was k - [h - (h+k)/2] which, after a little algebra, gives us (3k-h)/2. In exactly (h-k) years the prince will be h years old and the princess will be h+(h-k) = 2h-k years old. At that time, she will be twice as old as he was at that point in the past so (2h-k) = 2*[(3k-h)/2]. (thank you to @Mathsorcerer for this) or a ratio of 4:3. W/B/F: *blank stare* DM: Fine. I'll give you another riddle instead. Wizard: No math. DM: No math. Here it is then, The poorest have it, the richest need it, but if either was to eat it they would certainly perish. Tell me what it is Wizard: uhhh.... Fighter: ummm.... Bard: There is no spoon. DM: There is a spoon. Wizard: Is that the answer. DM: no Wizard: What is the answer then? I donno Fighter: Neither do I. DM: *annoyed* Nothing is the answer. Wizard: The riddle doesn't have an answer how are we to cross? Fighter: This is stupid. Roll for initiative. DM: NO. the answer is nothing. Wizard: So why are we trying to answer it? Bard: Because it is symbolic of your progression to enlightenment and understanding. Wizard: Understand what? Bard: there is no spoon. DM: I give up.
Okay, I wanna try. Since my wish for someone to do Ihtafeer hasn't happened.
(I realize it isn't nearly as much "fighting the DM" as most others have been, but I wanted to have a go at it anyway)
First, a brief introduction of the party: Tepp Resolox the sorcerer, whose name is an anagram of plot exposer. Luna Wafall the cleric, whose name is an anagram of lawful anal. Sendany Mayocomb the thief, whose name is an anagram of obeys any command.
Likely more to be added.
DM: The humid swamp air permeates the almost makeshift dwelling you've entered. You are greeted by a woman standing by a cauldron, perhaps an- Tepp: Alchemist, alchemist! I know where we are! DM: I haven't exactly been very enigmatic as to your loc- Tepp: Sendy, try to pickpocket her head. DM: wat Sendany: She doesn't seem to be keeping her head in any pocket. Tepp: Strange. DM: Very. Tepp: Okay, let's buy some useful potions and kill her afterwards. Luna: NO. Sendany: You want us to buy useless potions and then kill her? Sendany: Actually, can't we just kill her and TAKE her potions? Tepp and Luna in complete agreement for completely different reasons: No. DM: You have no reason to kill her. A wave of guilt washes over the sorcerer for considering such unprovoked- Tepp: Do you think we'd be so stupid as to take the quest from the Dao first? She'd recognize their smell then. Luna: Why should we kill her just because there's a quest? DM: Who said the Dao even have a quest for her?! Tepp: She's a foul Rakshasa, I promise. DM: The woman greets the party and inquires as to the nature of their visit. Luna: I tell her it's wonderful to find someone civilized so far from civilization, and shoot a brief glare at the sorcerer. Tepp: Sendy, trap the whole room while Luna keeps her busy. Luna: I am not "keeping her busy", I am- Tepp: You didn't even hear me say that. Sendany: This die is weighted, I tell you. DM: Sendany fumbles a trap and is badly injured.
Tepp: Luna, heal Sendy. Luna: Since I apparently didn't hear you telling him to trap the room, I'm going to assume that he once again got himself hurt committing larceny. You know the drill, be a lawful thief or suffer awful grief. Sendany: I know the rhyme, the drill itself eludes me. DM: The woman is curious as to how Sendy is suddenly injured. Tepp: Sendy, tell her you wanted to test the quality of her potions. Luna: No Sendy, admit you were trying to steal from her. Tepp: You can't blame him, maybe she's keeping her head in a chest somewhere instead. DM: Upon close assessment, the entire party agrees her head seems to be squarely attached to her shoulders. Sendany: That can't be, we never agree on anything. Sendany: I tell her that stupid lie Tepp conjured up. Sendany: And then I lie again and say I was trying to steal from her. Sendany: And then I don't blame myself. Luna: I apologize to the woman for my comrades' behavior- Tepp: Whoa, whoa? Comrades'? Surely you mean comrade's? Only Sendy has been acting all- DM: We're actually speaking and not typing, so you can't comment on that. DM: Also, the woman grows very suspicious of the party and firmly demands they leave. Tepp: If she hasn't turned hostile, we can try again with the traps. Luna: I suppose I didn't hear that either. Tepp: You're so smart, it's a wonder no illithid gourmand has hunted you down yet. Luna: Sendy, come over here and I'll heal you up. Luna: And here, a dexterity buff, so nothing goes wrong again. DM: Not in this edition, you don't. Tepp: Oh come on, let her. DM: Fine. However, the woman is growing furious that the party hasn't left. In her rage, her facade shimmers, hinting that she may very well be disguised. Tepp: Having the highest charisma, I conjure up some bullshit story to placate her. Luna: While Tepp is busy fumbling for words, I tell Sendy to follow me outside. Sendany: Which I obviously agree to. Luna: I tell Sendy to pick the lock on the door so as to actually lock it. Tepp: Now now, I object- Luna: You didn't hear that. Tepp: I hate you. Sendany: Success. DM: The woman doesn't seem to fall for the "bullshit story", and it appears she is not alone in the house. Tepp: Well drat.
I'm feeling warmed up! This time it will be more fighting the DM. Same party, no additions.
DM: As the party passes through the lively but shady Copper Coronet, they are approached by a noble who introduces himself as Lord Jierdan Firkraag. Luna: I introduce us. Luna: And I remind Tepp not to metagame again. Tepp: Did not hear. Luna: Did too. Sendany: Funny how you two manage to selectively exclude each other but I always hear everything. DM: The noble says he has heard of your party's skill and wishes to hire your services. Luna: I tell him that if his cause is just, we require no payment. Tepp: I tell him that Sendy and I will in fact pay for the privilege of seeing Luna get killed on her own. DM: The noble argues that he cannot let your service go unrewarded. Luna: I ask what he wants of us. DM: He explains that his lands are in danger and that he will pay you 10,000 gold to dispatch the monsters. Luna: I am overwhelmed by his generosity, but ask specifically what kind of monsters we would be fighting. Tepp: I convince Sendy that if he has 10,000 gold on him, we should just deprive him of it now. Sendany: I am convinced. Sendany: I would have even suggested it myself. DM: The noble replies that the monsters will be no match for your party. Luna: I then humbly inquire why he wishes to pay us so much. DM: He says it's a small price for safety. Tepp: I ask him for advance payment before we cross Tethyr to reach his barony. DM: He, uh... he assumes you accept and begins to leave the tavern. Tepp: What? No. I declare loudly that we won't serve him on his word alone. DM: Some cleric of Helm overhears you and offers to aid the noble. Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent. Tepp: I join in the insulting. Luna: I tell them both to shut their yaps. DM: The noble seems adamant that your party perform the task, though the cleric is free to join you. Sendany: I question the cleric's manhood. DM: The cleric is angered, and the noble tries to sneak away while everyone's eyes are on the cleric. DM: The cleric threatens to strike Sendy down. Luna: I apologize to the cleric.
Tepp: While waffles isn't paying attention, I intercept the noble and demand advance payment. DM: He is willing to pay you 600 gold, and raise your final reward to 12,000, but he has to leave. Tepp: I tell him I don't think he has that much gold, and that we will never come to his aid. DM: He, uh, gives you 5,000 gold, a final offer of advance payment. Then he leaves. Tepp: No he doesn't. I say the whole tavern saw him hand over that much gold. DM: ...everyone was paying attention to the angry cleric. Sendany: Nah, I totally called it out when I saw that giant purse with thousands of gold in it. DM: Fine, the whole tavern saw it. Tepp: Especially that angsty dwarf. DM: Yes, especially that angsty dwarf I never even mentioned to you was there. Tepp: I assault the noble. Sendany: I cry out for every lowlife thug in the tavern to join us. DM: ...nobody wishes to... Tepp: Yeah right, nobody in the Copper Coronet wishes to rob the man blind. DM: Fine, some ruffians hold him down, but none of you seem able to injure or incapacitate him. You get the feeling you should stop the attack while you can. Sendany: I commit to the assault with body, mind and soul. Tepp: I cast Breach on the noble. DM: *sigh* Breach removes Stoneskin. DM: The noble no longer seems impervious to the beatings, but nonetheless he is able to withstand a whole lot of it. You begin to suspect he is not human. Luna: The cleric of Helm and I begin to defend the noble. Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent again, and then I incite even more thugs to join us. DM: ...the cleric of Helm gains great strength from this righteous task, becoming an overpowering opponent, and the noble manages to mention he will consider the attempt on his life a mere display of the party's abilities and still considers them hired if they let him go. Tepp: I cast Magic Missile on the noble. DM: The noble resists it. Tepp: Since everyone saw that, I announce loudly that the noble must be a vampire in disguise. Luna: Silence 15' Radius. Tepp: Vocalize. Thanks for silencing everyone else. Tepp: Now that I am the solitary voice in the tavern, I incite even the owner, Lehtinan- DM: Whom I didn't name. Tepp: -to join in the attack. Tepp: I also think that RIGHTEOUS CLERIC should join our side now. Against the vampire. DM: ...the cleric is unable to make sense of the situation, and leaves to find some guards. Sendany: You know, I have been stabbing him pretty good now. No human would still be alive. DM: ... Luna: I attempt to stop Sendany by force.
Tepp: So how much health has he lost now? Over a hundred. DM: FINE. The noble transforms into a fucking red dragon, breaking through the ceiling effortlessly, then begins to fly away. Tepp: He's too injured to fly. Sendany: Definitely. DM: He heals himself first. Tepp: He's silenced. Good job resisting Magic Missile but not that. DM: He casts Vocalize. Luna: I am stunned beholding the transformation. DM: The mob scatters and hides. Sendany: Hearing Firkraag cast his healing spell after regaining his voice, I insult his accent. DM: You're silenced. Sendany: Aww. Tepp: With no ceiling over our heads, we are considered outdoors but within the city. I cast Resist Fear, partly to help against the dragon, mostly to anger the Cowled Wizards. DM: ...the Cowled Wizards teleport in and, uh, don't give a damn about the giant red dragon right next to them because you dared cast Resist Fear... okay, I give up. Luna: I kick Tepp in the balls. OOC.
DM: After Gorion told you that you would leave Candlekeep by nightfall he sends you off to get supplies for yourself. You're in Candlekeep, what do you do? Group: We walk around the perimeter and check out the various buildings. DM: As you enter one of the Bunker buildings a man approaches you. "Hi there friend, my name is Shank. Aren't you Gorion's ward?" Player 1: Why yes I am! DM: The man gives you a sly smile and draws a knife in reply. "Good, because I have a blade with your name on it!" He starts to attack you and has first round because of the surprise. *roll ................................SOME TIME LATER............................. DM: After a tiresome journey you finally arrive at the Friendly Arm Inn, where you hope to find some relief from Gorion's violent passing and the friends he mentioned. Group: We search for the Inn to find some comfort, rest and company. DM: At the stairs leading to the Inn you are hailed by a mage. "Your face looks familiar, like someone I have been searching. Might I ask what your business is here?" Player 2: Why yes, we're here to find some friends. DM: "Ah yes, I'll get you to your friends in a minute, now just hold still". You notice he starts casting magic and before you know it a Horror spell has been cast. *roll* Two of you failed the checks, start running! ...............................SOME MORE TIME LATER......................... DM: So you just killed Silke and are quite exhausted from the fight, having received some wounds. Wat will you do? Player 3: Indeed and I need to replenish my spells. We'll go to this Inn over there, the Red Sheaf. DM: Allright, as you enter the Inn you're noticed by a well armed dwarf who walks over to you. "I'm sorry to say so, but coin is coin, so consider your lives forfeit!" With his Axe drawn he charges into you. Player 1: Wait, again an assasin? *annoyed* Jeesz..... ..............................EVEN SOME MORE TIME LATER........................ DM: Allright guys, you've made it to Nashkel! Player 2: Yeah, barely with those encounters on the road.. I don't think we can handle anymore for today with our wounds! DM: Nashkel does have a Temple of Helm you know... Player 2: Good, we'll go to the Temple to heal up first and then get some rest. DM: Sounds like a fine choice to me. At the moment you walk up to the temple you are approached by a warrior looking man armed with a bow. He - Player 2: Oh Christ, not again! I use stealth to sneak up on him. *roll* Succes! Player 3: I cast my last buff spell! DM: Wait! Shouldn't you listen to what he has to say, he look quite important, like the ma- Player 1: Yeah sure, just as 'friendly' as all the others we have encountered so far.... DM: Before you can strike he speaks to you: "I recognize one of your group, you must be adventurers I've been looking for. I am-" Player 2: ANOTHER ONE! I'll not let him get the surprise. Backstab! *roll* Ha, crit strike, triple damage! DM:........*sigh* Great, you just murdered the mayor of Nashkel. Bravo... Group: How the hell were we supposed to know that?! DM: You could have let him finish talking..... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quite a story I know, but in all honesty this should actually be true. Seeing as you're beset by assassins and monsters at every turn, talking to you, pretending to help you or just to make sure you're the right one it wouldn't be surprising if you distrust anyone talking to you as if they know you and just stab them in the face!
DM: You approach the sarcophagus, aware that you are about to commune with the disembodied golden skull for the second time. Somehow, the knowledge feels worse than the shock of the first encounter. Luna: Why am I still in this group? Tepp: Because of my uncanny ability to detect shapeshifters, of course. Luna: Right. And this skull is a what in disguise? Tepp: Don't care, but it promised us riches. Sendany: It just doesn't know what happens when you refuse to give advance payment. Luna: Oh right, we're doing that again. Are you gonna mug the skull? Tepp: After a fashion... DM: The skull eagerly asks if you have retrieved its missing body parts. Luna: For the record, in the event that we give the skull its limbs and torso, and it turns out to be a powerful villain, the first thing I'm gonna do as it rises from the sarcophagus is pen down a lengthy journal entry where I assume we defeated it handily. Tepp: Duly noted. Tepp: I tell the skull we want to see some of the riches. DM: The skull impatiently implies it might show you some if it had hands. Sendany: I remind the skull it's in a sarcophagus, not the labyrinth of Undermountain. If there's riches in there, we can surely dig them out ourselves. Sendany: In fact, why aren't we? DM: ...much like the previous sarcophagi, you cannot loot this one without its guardian's consent or death. Tepp: But we can put things in it, right? Else how would we give it the body parts. DM: Right, you can put things in it. Tepp: Sir Skull? Where's the treasure? DM: The skull suspects Luna is a righteous creature, and implores her to do the right thing and end its torment. Luna: Law says if you're dismembered you should be dead. You're either undead or extraplanar, and those two liches we killed to get these parts didn't bother anyone. There were even people living near one of the sarcophagi. I'm not sure who the bad guy is. DM: The skull says its treasure is not here, but if it were restored, it could teleport its saviors to it. Sendany: Okay, it's time to get persuasive.
Tepp: Despite your body being made of pure gold, there's no one who wants to buy it or even take it off our hands for free. Tepp: You know, probably because it nauseates anyone who touches it. DM: The skull argues that since it's evidently worthless to you, you have nothing to lose by giving it its body. Tepp: Ah yes, the classic argument. It's about what it's worth to the buyer, no it's about what it's worth to the seller, and then we debate that back and forth forever. Luna: Until I am sure you didn't deserve this punishment, I am not sure I want to give you the body parts. I will put you out of your misery if you ask it though. Sendany: So anyway... Sendany: You remember how you weren't able to pinpoint the location of these bones, right. DM: The skull says it's impressed you were able to find them. Tepp: Yeah, and when we asked where they were, it said its captors weren't very imaginative. Nice try. Sendany: I'd like to add that between four limbs and a torso, they could be spread in five different locations should someone desire to. Tepp: And we're adventurers, you know. We end up in all kinds of weird places. We certainly wouldn't hide them in Athkatla. Sendany: And then there's the fact that nobody wants to touch them even if they were to find them. Luna: I do my best to ignore the bargaining tactics of my comrades. Luna: Sir Skull, my offer of merciful death stands. Though perhaps someone can affirm your innocence? DM: The skull does not offer a convincing response. Sendany: Time to lighten our load.
Tepp: An abacus, eight rotten eggs, Neera's pile of rocks, The History of Halruaa, Neeber's bullets, Neeber's corpse, Illithid Correspondence, a score of garden rakes- Luna: What are you doing? Tepp: I'm putting some treasure in the sarcophagus so Sir Skull can actually pay his next group of lackeys. DM: You can't put- Tepp: Can't put anything but the body parts in there? Get bent, you said we can put things in the sarcophagus. These are things. Sendany: Sweaty underwear, debris from the Copper Coronet, Lilarcor, twelve pounds of fur tufts, the sword that woman-voiced ogre wanted, those dryad acorns- DM: STOP! Cries the skull. It is infuriated. Sendany: But how does Lilarcor feel about it? Tepp: Wellyn's Doll, Waffles' cockroach collection- Luna: I do not have a cockroach collection. Tepp: Not anymore. Sendany: Maybe we should put one arm in there so it can flip the pages of the book. DM: The skull says you should put all the pieces in now, or it will cause you eternal suffering once it's released. Tepp: Ohh, that sounded hostile. A bit over the top, too. Even you must agree, Waffles. Luna: You're being childish. I take no part in this. Luna: Also, see if I ever care that you "can't spare the space or encumbrance" to carry anything again. Sendany: Let's see if we can crack the skull. Sendany: Aww, my weapons don't work. Tepp: Spells don't work. Tepp: Okay, let's just cut a lot of crap and skip to me figuring out to use Melf's Minute Meteors. DM: Whatever. DM: The skull cuts a lot of crap and gives you the ring. Tepp: Sweet. Let's keep our eyes open for places to dump these body parts. DM: The skull hates you only slightly less than I do.
DM: Cradled in the statue's arms, the party finds another Sun Gem. The knowledge that they can now dispel the third Shadow Barrier fills the party with- Tepp: Actually, we want to dispel the second barrier. DM: But it won't work on the second barrier. Tepp: What kind of scrubby discriminative gem is this? DM: Insulting the gem won't help. DM: Why do you want to dispel the barrier you can circumvent anyway, instead of the one you can't? Luna: I've found great peace in asking him as little as possible... Tepp: I WANT TO DISPEL THE SECOND BARRIER! DM: Well fine! The moron sorcerer dispels the slightly inconveniencing barrier. Now the adventure is broken. Tepp: Okay Sendy, your turn. Sendany: We head back to Athkatla and hire a large construction team. Sendany: And buy a lot of materials. Sendany: And haul everything into that dungeon. Luna: So this is what we were saving for that was more important than Imoen?? Tepp: Shut up Waffles, you'll like it. DM: Okay, you now have a construction team and a giant heap of wood, nails and stone, but still no third Sun Gem. Tepp: Don't forget the giant ladders. Sendany: I order the team to chip down the walls around the barrier. Sendany: It can't expand forever, you know. DM: Actually, it can. Sendany: Okay, then we have them chip until that barrier encircles Faerûn like a second equator. DM: Fine, it can't. The barrier is stretched thin and dissipates. Congratulations. You've now spent 30,000gp to repair the broken adventure. Tepp: We proceed.
DM: Before you stands a shadow dragon, a powerful agent of darkness. The party feels safe knowing that the wardstone will prevent the wyrm from harming them. Tepp: Just what are the conditions? DM: If you attack it, the stone's magic is nullified. Tepp: But if we don't attack it, it can't harm us? DM: Indeed. Tepp: And the stone protects everyone in the room? DM: Um... it protects everyone you consider a friend or ally. Tepp: Okay. We proceed to fight the Shade Lord. -battle- DM: The Shade Lord is beaten within an inch of his life, his altar is destroyed, and his minions vanquished. DM: What do you do? Sendany: We leave him there. I trap the exit so he has to stay. Sendany: My traps will consider anyone but us hostile. They're that smart. No one will sneak in and finish the job. DM: ...okay. But the darkness persists with him alive. Tepp: Big deal. So long as he lives, the dragon has to stay. DM: Correct. Sendany: We order the construction team to build us a house atop the dragon's lair. DM: wtf Luna: Please do not bother building a room for me. I have had it with you two. Tepp: Less to split the profit with. Luna: What possible profit could be involved in this??? Sales pitch of the year: Buy a house where you can empty your chamberpot on a shadow dragon, enjoy perpetual darkness, leagues away from civilization, with a dangerous climb- oh, and your one neighbor is an evil spectre. Tepp: Nah, we'll kill him when the house is done. Luna: Sendy. Tell me how you intend to profit from this. Tepp: I thought we had a tacit agreement to not abuse Sendy's blind obedience. Luna: Tacit agreements are not legally binding, dimwit. Sendany: Well you see, with the house atop, the dragon can't leave without causing us harm. Ergo, it can't leave at all. Luna: And the profit happens when? Sendany: Now we just invite every moron in the world who wants to verbally harass a dragon to do so for a reasonable fee. Sendany: I mean, we'll be alone in the business. Of course our fee will be reasonable; it will be the exact average. DM: No. Tepp: We're not breaking any rules here. DM: You consider the construction workers your allies or friends, else the dragon kills them. Tepp: Well duh. DM: One of them drops his hammer. It lands squarely on the dragon's head. DM: Upon understanding the danger, several of the construction workers flee toward the Shade Lord's door, triggering every trap and dying. Tepp: Well drat. Tepp: Loot them and run. Luna: I think the reason illithid gourmands haven't hunted me down for my brain is they are terrified of getting anywhere near yours.
Luna: Listen up, twerps. I decide our next adventure and you do nothing without my express permission, or I leave. Tepp: Hmph. Sendany: I wonder if more dragons have wardstones... Luna: Do we have an agreement? Tepp/Sendany: Fine. Luna: Good. Luna: I've calculated that if we postpone paying certain fines for incidents at the Copper Coronet, and Sendany immediately ceases trying to establish his Morning Star +pi/6 monopoly, and- Sendany: Aww, and I had nearly cornered the market. Luna: And I... and I don't buy any chocolate this month, then we'll have enough gold to rescue Imoen. Tepp: Not sure I want to rescue her. She might agree with you on... certain points. Luna: By certain, you mean all. Tepp: Yeah whatever. Let's go then. To the Graveyard District. Luna: By Elminster's balls, no. We're not working for vampires. Sendany: This is getting worse by the minute. Sendany: Who the hell wants to work with thieves?? Luna: In case you can't remember what's happened over the past minute, we agreed it was my decision.
DM: You hand over the gold to Gaelan Bayle, and he gives you a key without even explaining where to find the door for it. Sendany: See, that's some businessman. Charging us 15 grand for a potentially useless key. Tepp: Wonder if anyone will pay that much for this depleted wardstone. Sendany: Can I steal our gold back? Luna: No. Luna: To the Docks District. DM: After staring at a wall for a minute, you discover a secret door which your key unlocks. Luna: We enter. DM: After the party enters, the thieves decide their secret door should now stay open forever. DM: Eventually, the party finds the Shadowmaster, Aran Linvail. DM: He explains that he's a shady businessman and that your gold won't be enough to get you to Imoen. DM: He does, however, give you two magical items that you would have gladly paid 15 grand for anyway. Luna: What are they? DM: A Ring of Protection +2 and an Amulet of Power. Luna: Dibs on both. Tepp: Hold on here- Luna: If I can't have chocolate, I want jewelry. Tepp: It's your own fault you can't have chocolate. Luna: Yeah, I spent 15 grand to rescue Imoen whereas you two blew 30 on building a house on top of a dragon's lair. Luna: Either way, I take the items, and since you can't do anything without my express permission, you can't take them from me. Tepp: Yeah, you need that amulet because you can't cast Negative Plane Protection. Luna: And you can't cast Vocalize. Luna: Or Protection From Magical Weapons. Tepp: Robe of Vecna plus my future Improved Alac- Luna: THE AMULET IS MINE SHUT UP.
DM: For the first task, you need to protect a shipment. DM: It is being received by a Shadow Thief named Mook. DM: You chat with her and then a vampire shows up and kills her. DM: You learn his name being Lassal without him introducing himself, and make a mental note to flaunt that knowledge later. Luna: And then we kick his bloodsucking ass. -the party easily defeats Lassal- DM: He's destroyed. Luna: I suppose we should bring this shipment to Aran. Luna: Actually, I inspect the shipment. DM: It contains wooden stakes. Tepp: Order of the Stick 2: Guardians of the Sticks. Luna: We bring it back to Aran, but I offer to keep the shipment since obviously it's gonna be us killing vampires as long as he doesn't equip his thieves well enough to damage them at all. Tepp: In fact, one would think that if the vampires attacked the guildhouse, they would win effortlessly. Tepp: Especially if their leader did it. Sendany: Why do I get the feeling that that doesn't happen? Luna: Being a cleric, I will even consecrate the stakes to improve them. DM: Uh, Aran agrees.
DM: Aran asks that you stalk two defectors and learn what you can about the rival guild. Luna: To the Bridge District. DM: You find the defectors, and they question your presence. Luna: (Horsebreath, lie and say we're defectors too) Tepp: (Why are you calling me Horsebreath??) Luna: (DO IT.) Sendany: (I wish this were third edition so that the thief would be the party liar instead of whoever happened to have the highest charisma.) Tepp: We're defecting as well. Tepp: Pay no mind to the fact that two of us don't even look like thieves. DM: The defectors don't believe you, but one of them reveals the name of their contact out of nervousness: Gracen. Luna: Okay, we kick their asses. DM: The party wins handily, and the contact shows up shortly thereafter, questioning the mess. Luna: Horsebreath lies and says they were spies. Tepp: Apparently so. Luna: And mentions the contact's name to add credibility. Tepp: Sure do. DM: The contact believes you and asks you to follow him. DM: You feel this would be a great time to say something suspicious. Luna: No, we don't. Tepp: Actually, we do. Luna: If you think so, then we sure as hell don't. DM: But you could impress him with knowing Lassal's name. Tepp: Yes, we wouldn't just be the new kids, we'd be- Luna: We say nothing. Sendany: (Can I at least insult his accent?) Luna: (No.) Tepp: (Can I grope him with one of Kangaxx' arms?) Luna: (No.) Sendany: (Can I question his manhood?) Luna: (NO. SHUT UP.) DM: Uh, okay. The contact leads you to the Graveyard District and then through the crypts to the vampires' lair.
Luna: Upon arrival, I demand to speak to whoever's in charge. DM: It appears Bodhi is not around. Tepp: I bet if we head back to Aran, he will say she was just there, yet no matter what path we take she'll have eluded us. DM: Also it appears her subjects are not too comfortable with a good-aligned cleric making demands. Luna: Who's second in command? DM: Lassal appears. Luna: Oh, this is awkward. Luna: We totally took the shipment so now Aran has no stakes to threaten you with. We're very cunning, no? Tepp: (Because apparently in fantasy worlds, it's a work of art to craft a pointy stick.) Lassal: Very. Lassal: Could have also just, you know, not done anything and let me take it. Luna: Riiiight. Luna: I see why you are an authority around here. Luna: Aaaanyway... we're totally on your side. I just wanted this necklace off Aran. Lassal: Okay. Lassal: If you're totally on our side, go wipe out the Shadow Thieves. Luna: Er, no. Luna: They're gonna help us get to Imoen, and I hate vampires more than I hate thieves. Tepp: (You're a bit new to this lying thing, aren't you?) Luna: (NO SWEETS, NO WITS.) Luna: Um, anyway. Turn Undead. -the party fights the vampires and wins with some difficulty- DM: Having cleared out the lair and permanently killed some of the vampires, you have drawn Bodhi's attention.
DM: Bodhi explains that the Shadow Thieves are in fact jerks. Luna: *gasp* Luna: I knew it. Tepp: She finally finished babbling so we can fight, and then you start??? Luna: But Aran is a JERK. Tepp: (Do you still want the gifts the jerk gave you?) Luna: (MINE.) Sendany: I would assume that given a sugar rush, you would realize Bodhi is a jerk too. Luna: Sounds about right... Luna: We fight. -the party defeats Bodhi- DM: Bodhi decides she has diplomatic immunity against further combat and leaves after a few choice words about how she's not afraid of you. Luna: No. Luna: All vampires must die. DM: Uh, she left. Luna: Did not. You don't get to decide that we just stand there slackjawed letting her leave. Luna: Turn Undead. She's too weak to resist. Tepp: Look, if you are worried about ME breaking plots- Luna: If YOU want to spare her then I definitely want to kill her. DM: ...okay. Bodhi is destroyed and retreats to her coffin. But you don't have a stake left, so you decide to leave. Sendany: Nah, I imagine she keeps her own stakes around to threaten her subjects with. Sendany: Oh look, I found one. DM: ...she has enchanted that stake to not work on herself. Tepp: The hell she has. I detect no enchantments on it. Luna: Dispel Magic. Times three. DM: Okay fine. But do you REALLY want to kill her? DM: I'm just saying, it could prove counterproductive. Luna: Oh please, she's Aran's secret lover? I mean I hate the jerk, but what better way to ensure his aid than a decisive victory? Luna: For lack of chocolate and additional jewelry, I go with VIOLENCE. Luna: I stake the bitch. DM: ...Bodhi dies.
DM: The party returns to tell Aran of their success. Tepp: Hold on here. Can we not reach Aran immediately? Let's say we're on that last bridge. DM: If the lady approves... Luna: Why do you want us to be there? Tepp: Well, we've been walking through that narrow corridor and I wanna stretch a bit. Flail my staff around. Sendany: That sounds great, I need to shake the claustrophobia too. Luna: Fine, whatever. Tepp: I know you're mad with Aran, perhaps so mad you might attack him? Luna: Perhaps. Tepp: That sounds like a good reason for anyone watching us to stay really close so- DM: Um, there's a thud as Tepp's staff strikes something invisible. Sendany: I throw one of Kangaxx' legs down the hole. DM: The golden leg clangs against the metal, drowning out the cry of a falling man. Luna: What just happened? Luna: Wow, you were supposed to hide them outside Athkatla. That's like in the same district instead. Good job. Maybe put the torso behind the sarcophagus next. Tepp: I give Sendany a Kangaxx high five. Luna: Weirdos. Luna: Are we done stretching?
DM: Aran is overjoyed to hear of the decisive victory, and promises you his full cooperation. Luna: I angrily point out that he's a jerk. DM: Aran says that you should trust a vampire's words even less than a thief's. Luna: IS HE OR IS HE NOT A JERK. DM: He admits he may be to some degree a jerk. Luna: YES OR NO. DM: Yes. Luna: DOES THE JERK HAVE MORE JEWELRY FOR ME. DM: No. Luna: DOES HE HAVE CHOCOLATE. DM: No, but he points out that being a jerk is not illegal. Luna: WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD CHOCOLATE FOR A MONTH, I DECIDE WHAT'S ILLEGAL. Luna: CRY HAVOC. DM: You really don't want to be doing this. DM: The sorcerer feels he needs to break the agreement and stop the cleric before she makes a grave mistake. Tepp: No way. Letting Waffles do what she thinks is right has way better results than Sendy and I doing what we know to be wrong. Luna: I SAID CRY HAVOC. DM: *sigh* The party antagonizes the only remaining faction that would help them reach Imoen. DM: Roll the dice.
Comments
That being said, these parodies mostly make fun of how most games actually go, especially with new players or players with far too much experience. /end DM lecture.
Player 1 (Fighter): How does he look exactly?
DM: He has quite a tan and looks like he comes from the more southern lands. His equipment is quite scaffed and it looks like he already has had quite a journey before ending up here. His most striking feature isn't a purple tattoo that covers his face however, it is that he is seemingly talking to something in his hand.
Player 3 (Wizard): A familiar! Damnit, I got to have it!
DM: When you take a closer look you notice that he is holding a hamster in his hand. He has noticed you approaching him adn hails you: 'Stand and deliver, that my hamster have a better look at you! I am Minsc and I have-'
Wizard: Wait, what?
Player 2 (Thief): Did you just say hamster?
DM: The fighter replies: 'This is no ordinary hamster. It is a Miniature Giant Space Hamster. I am Minsc and together with Boo we are on a quest to-'
Fighter: Oh dear god, the village crazy man has made his appearance...
DM: No I am Minsc and I have a qu-
Thief: That guy is nuts, but is hamster is awesome. Roll for pickpocket *roll
DM: *Annoyed* Just wait and let him finish! You rolled a 6, so you fail. The Ranger pulls back his hand and looks at you with annoyance and anger. 'This is no time for games, I need your he-'
Fighter: I kick him in the head until he is unconsious...or dead! *roll
Fighter: 20! Ha, guess it is death then!
Wizard: Awesome! I take the hamster
Thief: *to the DM* why are your throwing those sheets away?
DM: Is there going to be a moment when you guys aren't going to kill my creations?
Fighter:You mean the DMPC?
DM:Hey, you guys wanted a cleric. I provided.
Fighter:Still a DMPC
DM:Shut up. Sarevok laughs from across a huge symbol of Bhaal, awaiting your attack with the evil ogre Tazok, the corrupt flaming fist Angelo, and the powerful wizard Semaj wait with him, mocking you with words and laughter.
Bard:Who's Semaj?
Fighter:Hell I don't remember half the NPCs the DM throws at us.
DM:...Thank you for that.
Fighter:Paladin? You going to do your thing?
Paladin:No need. There are two kinds of evil in the world. Evil that is wicked for lack of knowing there is another way in wich to live, another way to thrive, and evil that knows of such ways and takes advantage of those whom live such lives of humbleness. I know wich we face!
Fighter:Nice role playing there. Alright guys, you know the plan. Wizard? Disable Semaj and have a good old fashion wizard duel.
Wizard:I got my protection spells up, cast haste post battle and we're ready to kick all the butts.
Fighter:Bard, stone skinned and ready to go?
Bard:Tazoks mine. I'll get him for killing me in the butt.
Fighter:I think that was another ogre.
DM:Hes *half* ogre.
Bard:Whatever, the important part is I stab him in the groin.
Fighter:Paladin?
Paladin:Angelo is mine. Such corruption and misuse of what should be a force of good cannot be allowed!
Fighter:Guess I got Sarevok. I doubt I can beat him, have the cleric heal me until you guys take down your targets, then we strike as one!
Everyone:HUZZAH!
Fighter:RUUU-
DM:Ooh, set off a trap there.
Fighter:What
DM:So did the bard, actually
Fighter:What.
DM:Savings throws people. Oh. Damn. Looks like the wizard and bard are asleep now.
Fighter:Seriously.
DM:And damn, that one set off a fireball
Fighter:SERIOUSLY?!
Bard:Wait wait...Damn. I'm dead.
Wizard:Me too.
Paladin:Did...Did Tazok just crit me?
Fighter:I told you to wear a helmet!
Paladin:STYLE IS A THING! ITS CALLED ROLE PLAYING!
Fighter:Why was there traps?! We don't have a thief! We had no way of finding them!
DM:Hey, not my problem.
Fighter:Seriously?! You just kill us all like that in the final battle?!
Bard:This sucks. I'm going back to porn instead of trying to seduce fake imaginary ladies. At least porn is a better actor.
Fighter:This entire thing is bullshit!
DM:I *told* you guys you should have had a thief.
Fighter:And you said no problem you'd adapt!
DM:Hey, that symbol was right there. You could have walked around it.
Three hours of raging later.
DM:...So...Wanna play the sequel?
Fighter:...Eh. Kinda burned out on DnD.
DM:Its got a new race and new classes and several new kits, wich modify existing class abilities.
Bard:wait, what bard kits are there?
DM:Well, you got skald, jester, blade.
Bard:Blade. I want blade. Can I slay vampires?
DM:Yes, the campaign does have vampires.
Bard:...Hot vampires?
DM:Well, she wears a corset and not much else.
Bard:Sold!
Wizard:Dude, theres no way they could make a wizard kit better then wizard. Not sold.
DM:You can be a sorcerer. You can cast more fireballs and learn spells natural instead of via scrolls.
Wizard:You had me at more fireballs.
Fighter:...Huh. Half-orc barbarian? It might be nice to be a fighter focused on damage. Kind of tired of dwarven fighters.
Paladin:I call assassin.
DM:Really?
Paladin:Time to see how the other half lives. Oh, I will try to subtle kill everyone we meet, just to warn.
Fighter:Including us?
Paladin:*Especially* you guys.
Bard:I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Wizard:You mean where we all try to kill each other and argue alot?
Bard:Best kind.
DM:Welcome to DnD, my friends.
Thief: See ya, I'm off to go loot. Be back by nightfall... *smoke bomb VANISH*
DM: What? wait...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Yeah! We have a noble quest to go on that requires our might!
Fighter: Stomping on a couple of stupid spiders for some wrinkled old lady? Doesn't sound so noble to me...
DM: A man approaches you. He wears a lute across his back and speaks with a slight stutter. "He-ello. M-ight I have a w-ord with you? I am Garrick"
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Of course! What seems to be the problem?
DM: "M-my employer has a de-delicate situation and is willing to p-pay handsomely!"
Wizard: We're in. Always on the lookout for some more coin, I say
DM: You walk a short distance away and come across an attractive woman. "Hello, I am Silke. Thespian extrodinaire! I trust my associate has filled you in on the situation? No? Well, no matter, some men are on their way to attack me and I must defend myself!"
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Why, of course! We're always willing to help out a pretty lady!
DM: Three men approach, these must be the ones Silke was worried about! "Silke, we have brought the items you requested"
Fighter: Huh?
DM: They're here! They're trying to attack me, protect me!
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: I stand before my lady with my shield held high!
Wizard: Umm, dude. Something's not right here...
DM: The foremost of the three men shouts "What is the meaning of this!"
Lawul-Stupid Paladin: No one hurts pretty ladies when I'm around, buddy!
Fighter: Hey now, you know I'm all for a good rough and tumble, but she's clearly trying to pull a fast one on us...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Nonesense! Just look at that face! I cast Detect Evil to prove that their accusations are absurd!
DM: As our idiot Paladin casts his spell, he stands there with an odd, confused look on his face. Meanwhile, Silke has realized that the jig is up and throws a Lightning Bolt at said look. You take 17 damage and fall to the ground near death.
-several minutes later-
DM: Silke has died, the three men who did absolutely nothing to assist you offer their thanks and a token potion for appreciation.
Wizard: Well, I'll take her staff since she seems to have throughly rammed it up my arse already.
DM: You should probably take care that your party leader doesn't drown in that puddle, by the way...
*POOF* Thief re-appears: Hey guys, check out what I found *Pulls out various weapons and gems*
Fighter: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!
Thief: *shrug* Around...
Lawful-Stupid Paladin: Well I could have used some TEAMWORK back there!
Wizard: Well, you missed seeing this moron gett hit by a Lightning Bolt to the face.
Theif: *pulls out a wand*
*ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*
Thief: Did it look like that?
...
...
...
Garrick: So.... Anyone looking for a Bard!?
(The group approaches the group of villagers and begins to converse with a villager wearing a bright blue tunic).
DM (Sonner): Damn it we can't go on like this forever! We must act!
DM (Sonner): You there (points towards Paladin), we're being harassed by a priest of the bitch queen Umberlee. She's already killed two of us. I'll offer you a quality magical weapon if you strongarm her into stopping her harassment.
Paladin: I tell him I understand and am willing to help. I decline the offer of the weapon though.
Druid: I'm just going to point out that Umberlee plays an important roll in nature and is a valid part of the pantheon of the gods. These fisherman knew the risks and personally I'm inclined to leave this up to Umberlee.
Bard (chaotic neutral): Yea, yea yea. Valid part of this and that. Honestly what is it you really do here druid? Me I'm far more concerned about the weight of my wallet and these guys are giving us a cashable item! Lets do what they ask and cash in!
DM: These are not the sort of people who can afford to give away such a valuable item.
Bard: Who cares what they can afford! I only care what I can afford. Lets just do this quest, get our reward, and leave.
Druid: Fine
The group leaves the area travelling north. Along the way it encounters and defeats a handful of Ankhegs. It is nearly nightfall when they approach a cabin not much further north of the bridge to Baldur's Gate. In front of the cabin a young woman paces back and forth.
Fighter: Did you run out of cliches to think of? Young woman out in the woods all alone at night. I'll bet she's evil too. You better use detect evil there Paladin.
Paladin: *rolls 18 (succeeds)*
DM: Yep, you can tell she's evil.
Fighter: Well then. Lets just talk to her and see what this is all about.
DM: The young woman is hostile towards your presence near her "land home" and she accuses you of working for the fisherman.
Paladin: I fully admit this and demand that she cease her harassment at once.
DM: The young woman becomes increasingly hostile and begins casting cleric magic. I'll let your cleric make a roll to see if he can determine her level of experience.
Cleric: *rolls 8*
DM: As the battle begins her inexperience gradually becomes obvious to you. At the start of battle she casts a very low level spell against your paladin and it fails. Beyond that from what you can tell (with your own limited martial prowess) she seems capable enough with a weapon.
Cleric: So can I tell if she's actually the priest we are looking for or just another evil priest.
DM: You can't determine that. Though given that she mentioned the fisherman you figure its probably her.
(the battle continues with the players rolling a few more hits against the priest).
Fighter: Seriously she isn't dead yet?
DM: Something seems to be preventing you from killing her. She drops her weapon and concedes defeat. She explains...
Fighter: Wait, wait, wait hold on a second. She can't be killed by us? We're well armed adventurers. If she can't be killed by us what was stopping her from going over to those unarmed fisherman and killing them?
DM: She says there must be a shrine or something like it preventing her from seeing where the bowl is. She doesn't know which deity it is or where the shrine is located.
Fighter: Right but she has a weapon. Whats to stop her from going over and fighting the three unarmed fisherman?
DM: She says she is too weak for a physical confrontation with them.
Fighter: That seems kind of convenient considering she seems to have done alright against the 5 of us and we have actual weapons and armor.
DM: She explains that her mother was a priest of Umberlee until the fisherman killed her and took her elemental summoning bowl for their own personal use. Its the bowls power that concerns her. They apparently tortured her mother until she gave them the words needed to use it. She explains that she is now more powerful than her mother because the fisherman have angered Umberlee and Umberlee now grants her extra power. She offers to assist you at some point in the future if you help her now, though she doesn't hint as to when that will be (and for what).
Cleric: So she wants us to go back to the guys (who might I add had strong enough outside help to torture and kill this priest of Umberlee) and convince them to give back the bowl? Even knowing that the summoning bowl they control holds a lot of power and knowing that she is already guilty of murder herself. Anyone here really care enough about this chick to risk our necks?
Fighter: Not really
Druid: At this point I'd say no
Paladin: Absolutely not
Bard: She's weak and the fisherman are the ones offering a reward immediately. I say we kill her!
DM: Seeing how you have no interest in helping her she prepares for another fight.
(the battle is quick, with the druid scoring a critical hit against her with his quarterstaff).
Bard: Well I'll be damned; we finally got a use out of the druid! So do we have to like...carry her to them to collect on this?
Druid: I think we should just leave her. Even I don't want to take care of that. Leave that to the wolves. I'm sure the fisherman can themselves tell soon enough if she is still a problem.
(The group walks southwards back to the village. The villagers still seem to be outside. The group approaches them).
Paladin: Hey... so we have taken care of your priest problem.
DM (Sonner): Talos be praised! Finally she is no longer and we can take the seas for all they are worth! Here, take this flail it has no use for me now!
Bard: Sweet. I say we give it to the cleric so that he'll actually be useful!
Cleric: Hey, one of these days we are going to encounter a large amount of undead and you'll look like a fool.
Druid: I thought he already was the fool.
Cleric: Good point.
Paladin: Getting back to the campaign here guys...was what we just did good or evil?
Bard: Good, evil, its all in the eyes of the beholder. What really matters is money. Speaking of which we're still running a bit low on it. Hmm...didn't you also say that there was a farmer here that looks desperate? Lets go fleece some money off of him!
We're fine with bisexuality, beastiality, necrophilia, and god knows what else that Bard is capable of, but there ARE limits.
When I do the quest I usually help her, then kill her as she's teleporting away.
It's D&D, not DnD.
I'll show myself out.
New topic at: http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/30643/killing-innocents-in-bg/p1
Booinyoureyes: casts Protection from Buzzkill
Thread: fails saving throw
Thread: returns to funny stuff
edit: nvm, thanks @mlnevese
DM: Upon stepping through the tent door, the world seems to shift. When it settles, you find yourself standing at one end of a bizarre walkway as the wind blows over you. A massive tower rises on the side of the bridge. The tent door is nowhere to be found. You shall have to go forward.
Wizard: I cast the spell detect illusion to find the door.
DM: Err.... I guess the whole place lights up like a christmas tree. You are surrounded by illusions, but they are powerful. And will not be dispelled by not believing or by your understanding of magic
Wizard: Can I see the tent door?
DM: no
Wizard: Even if I look for the one thing that is not lighting up
DM: No
Bard: There is no spoon
DM: No movie quotes. Look, the door cannot be found. You must cross the bridge to figure out how to dispel this massive illusion.
Wizard: Fine i guess we start walking across the bridge
Fighter: If a troll shows up, so help you god.
DM: errr... as you start to cross the bridge a Genie appears.
Fighter: BS. It was suppose to be a troll and you changed it at the last minute
DM: No I didn't.
Fighter: Sure. I draw my blade and prepare to attack
DM: The Genie looks as you "Aha! I see a wayfarer has come to amuse Kalah! You must answer a riddle, naturally, ere I will you to pass this bridge. Are you ready to hear it?
Fighter: I attack *rolls for initiative*
DM: The Genie has no intention on fighting you.
Fighter: Doesn't matter. I want the XP
DM: He will only give XP if you answer the riddle.
Wizard: Hey, if he isn't going to fight, why don't we just ignore him and walk right by
DM: There is an invisible barrier that is preventing you from walking by until you answer the riddle
Fighter: I answer the riddle with my blade. *Rolls an attack* 18
DM: Your attack lands but doesn't do any damage. The genie is immune.
Fighter: I need a bigger sword
DM: No you need to answer the riddle
Wizard: I choose to ignore the genie. I know he is just an illusion and doesn't exist.
Bard: There is no spoon.
DM: Even when you ignore him and are able to tell he is an illusion he doesn't disappear. Only answering the riddle will make him go away.
Fighter: Do we *need* to cross the bridge. Can't we swim across or climb down.
DM: No it is a bottomless pit, attempting to jump off the bridge will result in you falling forever.
Wizard: It is an illusion. I know it is an illusion, I wouldn't fall forever. I prepare to leap.
DM: JUST ANSWER THE RIDDLE
Fighter/Wizard: Fine
Bard: There is no spoon. That's the answer
DM: No it isn't.
Wizard: Why do we have to pass over the bridge
DM: Because it is symbolic of your progression to enlightenment and understanding.
W/B/F: *Blank stare*
Fighter: I roll to attack.
DM: NO! Are you ready to proceed?
Wizard: I guess.
DM: Excellent! A princess is as old as the prince will be when the princess is twice as old as the prince was when the princess' age was half the sum of their present age. How old are the princess and prince.
W/B/F: *blank stare*
Fighter: This is why math majors should not be DMs.
Wizard: I use my superior intelligence to answer the question. Let us pass.
DM: No I need a real answer.
Fighter: Fine. My answer is "I don't know"
DM: The genie says: "You will get nowhere if you do not make an attempt. Being as benevolent as the mighty Kalah, however, I will allow you another opportunity."
Fighter: I don't want one.
DM: Bah. It is basic math! The princess' current age = h. The prince's current age = k. The princess' age at a certain point in the past was (h + k)/2. The prince's age at that time was k - [h - (h+k)/2] which, after a little algebra, gives us (3k-h)/2. In exactly (h-k) years the prince will be h years old and the princess will be h+(h-k) = 2h-k years old. At that time, she will be twice as old as he was at that point in the past so (2h-k) = 2*[(3k-h)/2]. (thank you to @Mathsorcerer for this) or a ratio of 4:3.
W/B/F: *blank stare*
DM: Fine. I'll give you another riddle instead.
Wizard: No math.
DM: No math. Here it is then, The poorest have it, the richest need it, but if either was to eat it they would certainly perish. Tell me what it is
Wizard: uhhh....
Fighter: ummm....
Bard: There is no spoon.
DM: There is a spoon.
Wizard: Is that the answer.
DM: no
Wizard: What is the answer then? I donno
Fighter: Neither do I.
DM: *annoyed* Nothing is the answer.
Wizard: The riddle doesn't have an answer how are we to cross?
Fighter: This is stupid. Roll for initiative.
DM: NO. the answer is nothing.
Wizard: So why are we trying to answer it?
Bard: Because it is symbolic of your progression to enlightenment and understanding.
Wizard: Understand what?
Bard: there is no spoon.
DM: I give up.
(I realize it isn't nearly as much "fighting the DM" as most others have been, but I wanted to have a go at it anyway)
First, a brief introduction of the party:
Tepp Resolox the sorcerer, whose name is an anagram of plot exposer.
Luna Wafall the cleric, whose name is an anagram of lawful anal.
Sendany Mayocomb the thief, whose name is an anagram of obeys any command.
Likely more to be added.
DM: The humid swamp air permeates the almost makeshift dwelling you've entered. You are greeted by a woman standing by a cauldron, perhaps an-
Tepp: Alchemist, alchemist! I know where we are!
DM: I haven't exactly been very enigmatic as to your loc-
Tepp: Sendy, try to pickpocket her head.
DM: wat
Sendany: She doesn't seem to be keeping her head in any pocket.
Tepp: Strange.
DM: Very.
Tepp: Okay, let's buy some useful potions and kill her afterwards.
Luna: NO.
Sendany: You want us to buy useless potions and then kill her?
Sendany: Actually, can't we just kill her and TAKE her potions?
Tepp and Luna in complete agreement for completely different reasons: No.
DM: You have no reason to kill her. A wave of guilt washes over the sorcerer for considering such unprovoked-
Tepp: Do you think we'd be so stupid as to take the quest from the Dao first? She'd recognize their smell then.
Luna: Why should we kill her just because there's a quest?
DM: Who said the Dao even have a quest for her?!
Tepp: She's a foul Rakshasa, I promise.
DM: The woman greets the party and inquires as to the nature of their visit.
Luna: I tell her it's wonderful to find someone civilized so far from civilization, and shoot a brief glare at the sorcerer.
Tepp: Sendy, trap the whole room while Luna keeps her busy.
Luna: I am not "keeping her busy", I am-
Tepp: You didn't even hear me say that.
Sendany: This die is weighted, I tell you.
DM: Sendany fumbles a trap and is badly injured.
Tepp: Luna, heal Sendy.
Luna: Since I apparently didn't hear you telling him to trap the room, I'm going to assume that he once again got himself hurt committing larceny. You know the drill, be a lawful thief or suffer awful grief.
Sendany: I know the rhyme, the drill itself eludes me.
DM: The woman is curious as to how Sendy is suddenly injured.
Tepp: Sendy, tell her you wanted to test the quality of her potions.
Luna: No Sendy, admit you were trying to steal from her.
Tepp: You can't blame him, maybe she's keeping her head in a chest somewhere instead.
DM: Upon close assessment, the entire party agrees her head seems to be squarely attached to her shoulders.
Sendany: That can't be, we never agree on anything.
Sendany: I tell her that stupid lie Tepp conjured up.
Sendany: And then I lie again and say I was trying to steal from her.
Sendany: And then I don't blame myself.
Luna: I apologize to the woman for my comrades' behavior-
Tepp: Whoa, whoa? Comrades'? Surely you mean comrade's? Only Sendy has been acting all-
DM: We're actually speaking and not typing, so you can't comment on that.
DM: Also, the woman grows very suspicious of the party and firmly demands they leave.
Tepp: If she hasn't turned hostile, we can try again with the traps.
Luna: I suppose I didn't hear that either.
Tepp: You're so smart, it's a wonder no illithid gourmand has hunted you down yet.
Luna: Sendy, come over here and I'll heal you up.
Luna: And here, a dexterity buff, so nothing goes wrong again.
DM: Not in this edition, you don't.
Tepp: Oh come on, let her.
DM: Fine. However, the woman is growing furious that the party hasn't left. In her rage, her facade shimmers, hinting that she may very well be disguised.
Tepp: Having the highest charisma, I conjure up some bullshit story to placate her.
Luna: While Tepp is busy fumbling for words, I tell Sendy to follow me outside.
Sendany: Which I obviously agree to.
Luna: I tell Sendy to pick the lock on the door so as to actually lock it.
Tepp: Now now, I object-
Luna: You didn't hear that.
Tepp: I hate you.
Sendany: Success.
DM: The woman doesn't seem to fall for the "bullshit story", and it appears she is not alone in the house.
Tepp: Well drat.
DM: As the party passes through the lively but shady Copper Coronet, they are approached by a noble who introduces himself as Lord Jierdan Firkraag.
Luna: I introduce us.
Luna: And I remind Tepp not to metagame again.
Tepp: Did not hear.
Luna: Did too.
Sendany: Funny how you two manage to selectively exclude each other but I always hear everything.
DM: The noble says he has heard of your party's skill and wishes to hire your services.
Luna: I tell him that if his cause is just, we require no payment.
Tepp: I tell him that Sendy and I will in fact pay for the privilege of seeing Luna get killed on her own.
DM: The noble argues that he cannot let your service go unrewarded.
Luna: I ask what he wants of us.
DM: He explains that his lands are in danger and that he will pay you 10,000 gold to dispatch the monsters.
Luna: I am overwhelmed by his generosity, but ask specifically what kind of monsters we would be fighting.
Tepp: I convince Sendy that if he has 10,000 gold on him, we should just deprive him of it now.
Sendany: I am convinced.
Sendany: I would have even suggested it myself.
DM: The noble replies that the monsters will be no match for your party.
Luna: I then humbly inquire why he wishes to pay us so much.
DM: He says it's a small price for safety.
Tepp: I ask him for advance payment before we cross Tethyr to reach his barony.
DM: He, uh... he assumes you accept and begins to leave the tavern.
Tepp: What? No. I declare loudly that we won't serve him on his word alone.
DM: Some cleric of Helm overhears you and offers to aid the noble.
Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent.
Tepp: I join in the insulting.
Luna: I tell them both to shut their yaps.
DM: The noble seems adamant that your party perform the task, though the cleric is free to join you.
Sendany: I question the cleric's manhood.
DM: The cleric is angered, and the noble tries to sneak away while everyone's eyes are on the cleric.
DM: The cleric threatens to strike Sendy down.
Luna: I apologize to the cleric.
Tepp: While waffles isn't paying attention, I intercept the noble and demand advance payment.
DM: He is willing to pay you 600 gold, and raise your final reward to 12,000, but he has to leave.
Tepp: I tell him I don't think he has that much gold, and that we will never come to his aid.
DM: He, uh, gives you 5,000 gold, a final offer of advance payment. Then he leaves.
Tepp: No he doesn't. I say the whole tavern saw him hand over that much gold.
DM: ...everyone was paying attention to the angry cleric.
Sendany: Nah, I totally called it out when I saw that giant purse with thousands of gold in it.
DM: Fine, the whole tavern saw it.
Tepp: Especially that angsty dwarf.
DM: Yes, especially that angsty dwarf I never even mentioned to you was there.
Tepp: I assault the noble.
Sendany: I cry out for every lowlife thug in the tavern to join us.
DM: ...nobody wishes to...
Tepp: Yeah right, nobody in the Copper Coronet wishes to rob the man blind.
DM: Fine, some ruffians hold him down, but none of you seem able to injure or incapacitate him. You get the feeling you should stop the attack while you can.
Sendany: I commit to the assault with body, mind and soul.
Tepp: I cast Breach on the noble.
DM: *sigh* Breach removes Stoneskin.
DM: The noble no longer seems impervious to the beatings, but nonetheless he is able to withstand a whole lot of it. You begin to suspect he is not human.
Luna: The cleric of Helm and I begin to defend the noble.
Sendany: I insult the cleric's accent again, and then I incite even more thugs to join us.
DM: ...the cleric of Helm gains great strength from this righteous task, becoming an overpowering opponent, and the noble manages to mention he will consider the attempt on his life a mere display of the party's abilities and still considers them hired if they let him go.
Tepp: I cast Magic Missile on the noble.
DM: The noble resists it.
Tepp: Since everyone saw that, I announce loudly that the noble must be a vampire in disguise.
Luna: Silence 15' Radius.
Tepp: Vocalize. Thanks for silencing everyone else.
Tepp: Now that I am the solitary voice in the tavern, I incite even the owner, Lehtinan-
DM: Whom I didn't name.
Tepp: -to join in the attack.
Tepp: I also think that RIGHTEOUS CLERIC should join our side now. Against the vampire.
DM: ...the cleric is unable to make sense of the situation, and leaves to find some guards.
Sendany: You know, I have been stabbing him pretty good now. No human would still be alive.
DM: ...
Luna: I attempt to stop Sendany by force.
Tepp: So how much health has he lost now? Over a hundred.
DM: FINE. The noble transforms into a fucking red dragon, breaking through the ceiling effortlessly, then begins to fly away.
Tepp: He's too injured to fly.
Sendany: Definitely.
DM: He heals himself first.
Tepp: He's silenced. Good job resisting Magic Missile but not that.
DM: He casts Vocalize.
Luna: I am stunned beholding the transformation.
DM: The mob scatters and hides.
Sendany: Hearing Firkraag cast his healing spell after regaining his voice, I insult his accent.
DM: You're silenced.
Sendany: Aww.
Tepp: With no ceiling over our heads, we are considered outdoors but within the city. I cast Resist Fear, partly to help against the dragon, mostly to anger the Cowled Wizards.
DM: ...the Cowled Wizards teleport in and, uh, don't give a damn about the giant red dragon right next to them because you dared cast Resist Fear... okay, I give up.
Luna: I kick Tepp in the balls. OOC.
Group: We walk around the perimeter and check out the various buildings.
DM: As you enter one of the Bunker buildings a man approaches you.
"Hi there friend, my name is Shank. Aren't you Gorion's ward?"
Player 1: Why yes I am!
DM: The man gives you a sly smile and draws a knife in reply.
"Good, because I have a blade with your name on it!"
He starts to attack you and has first round because of the surprise. *roll
................................SOME TIME LATER.............................
DM: After a tiresome journey you finally arrive at the Friendly Arm Inn, where you hope to find some relief from Gorion's violent passing and the friends he mentioned.
Group: We search for the Inn to find some comfort, rest and company.
DM: At the stairs leading to the Inn you are hailed by a mage.
"Your face looks familiar, like someone I have been searching. Might I ask what your business is here?"
Player 2: Why yes, we're here to find some friends.
DM: "Ah yes, I'll get you to your friends in a minute, now just hold still". You notice he starts casting magic and before you know it a Horror spell has been cast. *roll* Two of you failed the checks, start running!
...............................SOME MORE TIME LATER.........................
DM: So you just killed Silke and are quite exhausted from the fight, having received some wounds. Wat will you do?
Player 3: Indeed and I need to replenish my spells. We'll go to this Inn over there, the Red Sheaf.
DM: Allright, as you enter the Inn you're noticed by a well armed dwarf who walks over to you. "I'm sorry to say so, but coin is coin, so consider your lives forfeit!" With his Axe drawn he charges into you.
Player 1: Wait, again an assasin? *annoyed* Jeesz.....
..............................EVEN SOME MORE TIME LATER........................
DM: Allright guys, you've made it to Nashkel!
Player 2: Yeah, barely with those encounters on the road.. I don't think we can handle anymore for today with our wounds!
DM: Nashkel does have a Temple of Helm you know...
Player 2: Good, we'll go to the Temple to heal up first and then get some rest.
DM: Sounds like a fine choice to me. At the moment you walk up to the temple you are approached by a warrior looking man armed with a bow. He -
Player 2: Oh Christ, not again! I use stealth to sneak up on him. *roll* Succes!
Player 3: I cast my last buff spell!
DM: Wait! Shouldn't you listen to what he has to say, he look quite important, like the ma-
Player 1: Yeah sure, just as 'friendly' as all the others we have encountered so far....
DM: Before you can strike he speaks to you: "I recognize one of your group, you must be adventurers I've been looking for. I am-"
Player 2: ANOTHER ONE! I'll not let him get the surprise. Backstab! *roll* Ha, crit strike, triple damage!
DM:........*sigh* Great, you just murdered the mayor of Nashkel. Bravo...
Group: How the hell were we supposed to know that?!
DM: You could have let him finish talking.....
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quite a story I know, but in all honesty this should actually be true. Seeing as you're beset by assassins and monsters at every turn, talking to you, pretending to help you or just to make sure you're the right one it wouldn't be surprising if you distrust anyone talking to you as if they know you and just stab them in the face!
Luna: Why am I still in this group?
Tepp: Because of my uncanny ability to detect shapeshifters, of course.
Luna: Right. And this skull is a what in disguise?
Tepp: Don't care, but it promised us riches.
Sendany: It just doesn't know what happens when you refuse to give advance payment.
Luna: Oh right, we're doing that again. Are you gonna mug the skull?
Tepp: After a fashion...
DM: The skull eagerly asks if you have retrieved its missing body parts.
Luna: For the record, in the event that we give the skull its limbs and torso, and it turns out to be a powerful villain, the first thing I'm gonna do as it rises from the sarcophagus is pen down a lengthy journal entry where I assume we defeated it handily.
Tepp: Duly noted.
Tepp: I tell the skull we want to see some of the riches.
DM: The skull impatiently implies it might show you some if it had hands.
Sendany: I remind the skull it's in a sarcophagus, not the labyrinth of Undermountain. If there's riches in there, we can surely dig them out ourselves.
Sendany: In fact, why aren't we?
DM: ...much like the previous sarcophagi, you cannot loot this one without its guardian's consent or death.
Tepp: But we can put things in it, right? Else how would we give it the body parts.
DM: Right, you can put things in it.
Tepp: Sir Skull? Where's the treasure?
DM: The skull suspects Luna is a righteous creature, and implores her to do the right thing and end its torment.
Luna: Law says if you're dismembered you should be dead. You're either undead or extraplanar, and those two liches we killed to get these parts didn't bother anyone. There were even people living near one of the sarcophagi. I'm not sure who the bad guy is.
DM: The skull says its treasure is not here, but if it were restored, it could teleport its saviors to it.
Sendany: Okay, it's time to get persuasive.
Tepp: Despite your body being made of pure gold, there's no one who wants to buy it or even take it off our hands for free.
Tepp: You know, probably because it nauseates anyone who touches it.
DM: The skull argues that since it's evidently worthless to you, you have nothing to lose by giving it its body.
Tepp: Ah yes, the classic argument. It's about what it's worth to the buyer, no it's about what it's worth to the seller, and then we debate that back and forth forever.
Luna: Until I am sure you didn't deserve this punishment, I am not sure I want to give you the body parts. I will put you out of your misery if you ask it though.
Sendany: So anyway...
Sendany: You remember how you weren't able to pinpoint the location of these bones, right.
DM: The skull says it's impressed you were able to find them.
Tepp: Yeah, and when we asked where they were, it said its captors weren't very imaginative. Nice try.
Sendany: I'd like to add that between four limbs and a torso, they could be spread in five different locations should someone desire to.
Tepp: And we're adventurers, you know. We end up in all kinds of weird places. We certainly wouldn't hide them in Athkatla.
Sendany: And then there's the fact that nobody wants to touch them even if they were to find them.
Luna: I do my best to ignore the bargaining tactics of my comrades.
Luna: Sir Skull, my offer of merciful death stands. Though perhaps someone can affirm your innocence?
DM: The skull does not offer a convincing response.
Sendany: Time to lighten our load.
Tepp: An abacus, eight rotten eggs, Neera's pile of rocks, The History of Halruaa, Neeber's bullets, Neeber's corpse, Illithid Correspondence, a score of garden rakes-
Luna: What are you doing?
Tepp: I'm putting some treasure in the sarcophagus so Sir Skull can actually pay his next group of lackeys.
DM: You can't put-
Tepp: Can't put anything but the body parts in there? Get bent, you said we can put things in the sarcophagus. These are things.
Sendany: Sweaty underwear, debris from the Copper Coronet, Lilarcor, twelve pounds of fur tufts, the sword that woman-voiced ogre wanted, those dryad acorns-
DM: STOP! Cries the skull. It is infuriated.
Sendany: But how does Lilarcor feel about it?
Tepp: Wellyn's Doll, Waffles' cockroach collection-
Luna: I do not have a cockroach collection.
Tepp: Not anymore.
Sendany: Maybe we should put one arm in there so it can flip the pages of the book.
DM: The skull says you should put all the pieces in now, or it will cause you eternal suffering once it's released.
Tepp: Ohh, that sounded hostile. A bit over the top, too. Even you must agree, Waffles.
Luna: You're being childish. I take no part in this.
Luna: Also, see if I ever care that you "can't spare the space or encumbrance" to carry anything again.
Sendany: Let's see if we can crack the skull.
Sendany: Aww, my weapons don't work.
Tepp: Spells don't work.
Tepp: Okay, let's just cut a lot of crap and skip to me figuring out to use Melf's Minute Meteors.
DM: Whatever.
DM: The skull cuts a lot of crap and gives you the ring.
Tepp: Sweet. Let's keep our eyes open for places to dump these body parts.
DM: The skull hates you only slightly less than I do.
Tepp: Actually, we want to dispel the second barrier.
DM: But it won't work on the second barrier.
Tepp: What kind of scrubby discriminative gem is this?
DM: Insulting the gem won't help.
DM: Why do you want to dispel the barrier you can circumvent anyway, instead of the one you can't?
Luna: I've found great peace in asking him as little as possible...
Tepp: I WANT TO DISPEL THE SECOND BARRIER!
DM: Well fine! The moron sorcerer dispels the slightly inconveniencing barrier. Now the adventure is broken.
Tepp: Okay Sendy, your turn.
Sendany: We head back to Athkatla and hire a large construction team.
Sendany: And buy a lot of materials.
Sendany: And haul everything into that dungeon.
Luna: So this is what we were saving for that was more important than Imoen??
Tepp: Shut up Waffles, you'll like it.
DM: Okay, you now have a construction team and a giant heap of wood, nails and stone, but still no third Sun Gem.
Tepp: Don't forget the giant ladders.
Sendany: I order the team to chip down the walls around the barrier.
Sendany: It can't expand forever, you know.
DM: Actually, it can.
Sendany: Okay, then we have them chip until that barrier encircles Faerûn like a second equator.
DM: Fine, it can't. The barrier is stretched thin and dissipates. Congratulations. You've now spent 30,000gp to repair the broken adventure.
Tepp: We proceed.
DM: Before you stands a shadow dragon, a powerful agent of darkness. The party feels safe knowing that the wardstone will prevent the wyrm from harming them.
Tepp: Just what are the conditions?
DM: If you attack it, the stone's magic is nullified.
Tepp: But if we don't attack it, it can't harm us?
DM: Indeed.
Tepp: And the stone protects everyone in the room?
DM: Um... it protects everyone you consider a friend or ally.
Tepp: Okay. We proceed to fight the Shade Lord.
-battle-
DM: The Shade Lord is beaten within an inch of his life, his altar is destroyed, and his minions vanquished.
DM: What do you do?
Sendany: We leave him there. I trap the exit so he has to stay.
Sendany: My traps will consider anyone but us hostile. They're that smart. No one will sneak in and finish the job.
DM: ...okay. But the darkness persists with him alive.
Tepp: Big deal. So long as he lives, the dragon has to stay.
DM: Correct.
Sendany: We order the construction team to build us a house atop the dragon's lair.
DM: wtf
Luna: Please do not bother building a room for me. I have had it with you two.
Tepp: Less to split the profit with.
Luna: What possible profit could be involved in this??? Sales pitch of the year: Buy a house where you can empty your chamberpot on a shadow dragon, enjoy perpetual darkness, leagues away from civilization, with a dangerous climb- oh, and your one neighbor is an evil spectre.
Tepp: Nah, we'll kill him when the house is done.
Luna: Sendy. Tell me how you intend to profit from this.
Tepp: I thought we had a tacit agreement to not abuse Sendy's blind obedience.
Luna: Tacit agreements are not legally binding, dimwit.
Sendany: Well you see, with the house atop, the dragon can't leave without causing us harm. Ergo, it can't leave at all.
Luna: And the profit happens when?
Sendany: Now we just invite every moron in the world who wants to verbally harass a dragon to do so for a reasonable fee.
Sendany: I mean, we'll be alone in the business. Of course our fee will be reasonable; it will be the exact average.
DM: No.
Tepp: We're not breaking any rules here.
DM: You consider the construction workers your allies or friends, else the dragon kills them.
Tepp: Well duh.
DM: One of them drops his hammer. It lands squarely on the dragon's head.
DM: Upon understanding the danger, several of the construction workers flee toward the Shade Lord's door, triggering every trap and dying.
Tepp: Well drat.
Tepp: Loot them and run.
Luna: I think the reason illithid gourmands haven't hunted me down for my brain is they are terrified of getting anywhere near yours.
Tepp: Hmph.
Sendany: I wonder if more dragons have wardstones...
Luna: Do we have an agreement?
Tepp/Sendany: Fine.
Luna: Good.
Luna: I've calculated that if we postpone paying certain fines for incidents at the Copper Coronet, and Sendany immediately ceases trying to establish his Morning Star +pi/6 monopoly, and-
Sendany: Aww, and I had nearly cornered the market.
Luna: And I... and I don't buy any chocolate this month, then we'll have enough gold to rescue Imoen.
Tepp: Not sure I want to rescue her. She might agree with you on... certain points.
Luna: By certain, you mean all.
Tepp: Yeah whatever. Let's go then. To the Graveyard District.
Luna: By Elminster's balls, no. We're not working for vampires.
Sendany: This is getting worse by the minute.
Sendany: Who the hell wants to work with thieves??
Luna: In case you can't remember what's happened over the past minute, we agreed it was my decision.
DM: You hand over the gold to Gaelan Bayle, and he gives you a key without even explaining where to find the door for it.
Sendany: See, that's some businessman. Charging us 15 grand for a potentially useless key.
Tepp: Wonder if anyone will pay that much for this depleted wardstone.
Sendany: Can I steal our gold back?
Luna: No.
Luna: To the Docks District.
DM: After staring at a wall for a minute, you discover a secret door which your key unlocks.
Luna: We enter.
DM: After the party enters, the thieves decide their secret door should now stay open forever.
DM: Eventually, the party finds the Shadowmaster, Aran Linvail.
DM: He explains that he's a shady businessman and that your gold won't be enough to get you to Imoen.
DM: He does, however, give you two magical items that you would have gladly paid 15 grand for anyway.
Luna: What are they?
DM: A Ring of Protection +2 and an Amulet of Power.
Luna: Dibs on both.
Tepp: Hold on here-
Luna: If I can't have chocolate, I want jewelry.
Tepp: It's your own fault you can't have chocolate.
Luna: Yeah, I spent 15 grand to rescue Imoen whereas you two blew 30 on building a house on top of a dragon's lair.
Luna: Either way, I take the items, and since you can't do anything without my express permission, you can't take them from me.
Tepp: Yeah, you need that amulet because you can't cast Negative Plane Protection.
Luna: And you can't cast Vocalize.
Luna: Or Protection From Magical Weapons.
Tepp: Robe of Vecna plus my future Improved Alac-
Luna: THE AMULET IS MINE SHUT UP.
DM: For the first task, you need to protect a shipment.
DM: It is being received by a Shadow Thief named Mook.
DM: You chat with her and then a vampire shows up and kills her.
DM: You learn his name being Lassal without him introducing himself, and make a mental note to flaunt that knowledge later.
Luna: And then we kick his bloodsucking ass.
-the party easily defeats Lassal-
DM: He's destroyed.
Luna: I suppose we should bring this shipment to Aran.
Luna: Actually, I inspect the shipment.
DM: It contains wooden stakes.
Tepp: Order of the Stick 2: Guardians of the Sticks.
Luna: We bring it back to Aran, but I offer to keep the shipment since obviously it's gonna be us killing vampires as long as he doesn't equip his thieves well enough to damage them at all.
Tepp: In fact, one would think that if the vampires attacked the guildhouse, they would win effortlessly.
Tepp: Especially if their leader did it.
Sendany: Why do I get the feeling that that doesn't happen?
Luna: Being a cleric, I will even consecrate the stakes to improve them.
DM: Uh, Aran agrees.
DM: Aran asks that you stalk two defectors and learn what you can about the rival guild.
Luna: To the Bridge District.
DM: You find the defectors, and they question your presence.
Luna: (Horsebreath, lie and say we're defectors too)
Tepp: (Why are you calling me Horsebreath??)
Luna: (DO IT.)
Sendany: (I wish this were third edition so that the thief would be the party liar instead of whoever happened to have the highest charisma.)
Tepp: We're defecting as well.
Tepp: Pay no mind to the fact that two of us don't even look like thieves.
DM: The defectors don't believe you, but one of them reveals the name of their contact out of nervousness: Gracen.
Luna: Okay, we kick their asses.
DM: The party wins handily, and the contact shows up shortly thereafter, questioning the mess.
Luna: Horsebreath lies and says they were spies.
Tepp: Apparently so.
Luna: And mentions the contact's name to add credibility.
Tepp: Sure do.
DM: The contact believes you and asks you to follow him.
DM: You feel this would be a great time to say something suspicious.
Luna: No, we don't.
Tepp: Actually, we do.
Luna: If you think so, then we sure as hell don't.
DM: But you could impress him with knowing Lassal's name.
Tepp: Yes, we wouldn't just be the new kids, we'd be-
Luna: We say nothing.
Sendany: (Can I at least insult his accent?)
Luna: (No.)
Tepp: (Can I grope him with one of Kangaxx' arms?)
Luna: (No.)
Sendany: (Can I question his manhood?)
Luna: (NO. SHUT UP.)
DM: Uh, okay. The contact leads you to the Graveyard District and then through the crypts to the vampires' lair.
Luna: Upon arrival, I demand to speak to whoever's in charge.
DM: It appears Bodhi is not around.
Tepp: I bet if we head back to Aran, he will say she was just there, yet no matter what path we take she'll have eluded us.
DM: Also it appears her subjects are not too comfortable with a good-aligned cleric making demands.
Luna: Who's second in command?
DM: Lassal appears.
Luna: Oh, this is awkward.
Luna: We totally took the shipment so now Aran has no stakes to threaten you with. We're very cunning, no?
Tepp: (Because apparently in fantasy worlds, it's a work of art to craft a pointy stick.)
Lassal: Very.
Lassal: Could have also just, you know, not done anything and let me take it.
Luna: Riiiight.
Luna: I see why you are an authority around here.
Luna: Aaaanyway... we're totally on your side. I just wanted this necklace off Aran.
Lassal: Okay.
Lassal: If you're totally on our side, go wipe out the Shadow Thieves.
Luna: Er, no.
Luna: They're gonna help us get to Imoen, and I hate vampires more than I hate thieves.
Tepp: (You're a bit new to this lying thing, aren't you?)
Luna: (NO SWEETS, NO WITS.)
Luna: Um, anyway. Turn Undead.
-the party fights the vampires and wins with some difficulty-
DM: Having cleared out the lair and permanently killed some of the vampires, you have drawn Bodhi's attention.
DM: Bodhi explains that the Shadow Thieves are in fact jerks.
Luna: *gasp*
Luna: I knew it.
Tepp: She finally finished babbling so we can fight, and then you start???
Luna: But Aran is a JERK.
Tepp: (Do you still want the gifts the jerk gave you?)
Luna: (MINE.)
Sendany: I would assume that given a sugar rush, you would realize Bodhi is a jerk too.
Luna: Sounds about right...
Luna: We fight.
-the party defeats Bodhi-
DM: Bodhi decides she has diplomatic immunity against further combat and leaves after a few choice words about how she's not afraid of you.
Luna: No.
Luna: All vampires must die.
DM: Uh, she left.
Luna: Did not. You don't get to decide that we just stand there slackjawed letting her leave.
Luna: Turn Undead. She's too weak to resist.
Tepp: Look, if you are worried about ME breaking plots-
Luna: If YOU want to spare her then I definitely want to kill her.
DM: ...okay. Bodhi is destroyed and retreats to her coffin. But you don't have a stake left, so you decide to leave.
Sendany: Nah, I imagine she keeps her own stakes around to threaten her subjects with.
Sendany: Oh look, I found one.
DM: ...she has enchanted that stake to not work on herself.
Tepp: The hell she has. I detect no enchantments on it.
Luna: Dispel Magic. Times three.
DM: Okay fine. But do you REALLY want to kill her?
DM: I'm just saying, it could prove counterproductive.
Luna: Oh please, she's Aran's secret lover? I mean I hate the jerk, but what better way to ensure his aid than a decisive victory?
Luna: For lack of chocolate and additional jewelry, I go with VIOLENCE.
Luna: I stake the bitch.
DM: ...Bodhi dies.
DM: The party returns to tell Aran of their success.
Tepp: Hold on here. Can we not reach Aran immediately? Let's say we're on that last bridge.
DM: If the lady approves...
Luna: Why do you want us to be there?
Tepp: Well, we've been walking through that narrow corridor and I wanna stretch a bit. Flail my staff around.
Sendany: That sounds great, I need to shake the claustrophobia too.
Luna: Fine, whatever.
Tepp: I know you're mad with Aran, perhaps so mad you might attack him?
Luna: Perhaps.
Tepp: That sounds like a good reason for anyone watching us to stay really close so-
DM: Um, there's a thud as Tepp's staff strikes something invisible.
Sendany: I throw one of Kangaxx' legs down the hole.
DM: The golden leg clangs against the metal, drowning out the cry of a falling man.
Luna: What just happened?
Luna: Wow, you were supposed to hide them outside Athkatla. That's like in the same district instead. Good job. Maybe put the torso behind the sarcophagus next.
Tepp: I give Sendany a Kangaxx high five.
Luna: Weirdos.
Luna: Are we done stretching?
DM: Aran is overjoyed to hear of the decisive victory, and promises you his full cooperation.
Luna: I angrily point out that he's a jerk.
DM: Aran says that you should trust a vampire's words even less than a thief's.
Luna: IS HE OR IS HE NOT A JERK.
DM: He admits he may be to some degree a jerk.
Luna: YES OR NO.
DM: Yes.
Luna: DOES THE JERK HAVE MORE JEWELRY FOR ME.
DM: No.
Luna: DOES HE HAVE CHOCOLATE.
DM: No, but he points out that being a jerk is not illegal.
Luna: WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD CHOCOLATE FOR A MONTH, I DECIDE WHAT'S ILLEGAL.
Luna: CRY HAVOC.
DM: You really don't want to be doing this.
DM: The sorcerer feels he needs to break the agreement and stop the cleric before she makes a grave mistake.
Tepp: No way. Letting Waffles do what she thinks is right has way better results than Sendy and I doing what we know to be wrong.
Luna: I SAID CRY HAVOC.
DM: *sigh* The party antagonizes the only remaining faction that would help them reach Imoen.
DM: Roll the dice.