Sadness
Sar_Yehudah
Member Posts: 135
in Off-Topic
i'm extremely miserable. I shouldn't be making this thread at all because it serves no purpose but no one is around right now and i can't help but scream in person. I've had a hard life. I don't have much hope for the future. I'm unemployable due to legitimate severe crippling issues, and I've just gotten a catscan done. results in a few days. I have no money, and no prospects. I'm utterly lonely. I am comforted by God, by my family, and friends, but nothing can keep the misery away. severe depression follows me, extreme, sometimes unbearable anxiety, over likely fears, and unlikely ones. I feel so lost. I'm receiving a special therapy for it, which has helped. The only reason why I am able to play games is my family, who is always strapped, takes pity on me. I do my best to take care of my youngest sister, who has severe autism. I REALLY shouldn't be making this post. People will just be turned off by pity party whining. All I know is baldur's gate and nwn have been a part of my life since I was 12. I'm three decades old now, and FINALLY playing the games to completion. But they also bring back trauma in my life reminding me of the struggles to survive from hurricanes, and the deaths of my grandparents and uncle. I have none but my immediate family left. Sometimes I am truly happy, but it does not last. i have therapy in the morning. I just want to be happy and without fear. Mods can delete this if they think it inappropriate. i'm sure it is.
10
Comments
It might be more efficient to continue this in the "topic for unhappiness" thread. Don't worry; you'll find nothing but warmth and support there.
I suffer from mild to moderate depression and anxiety, so I can relate, although I guess my case isn't as severe as what you seem to be suffering. I've found that it does help if sometimes I can come here to this forum and just honestly talk about how bad I really feel, during those times when I feel that bad. I've done that before.
I'm sure everyone here will be rooting for you to get better. Feel free to keep posting and venting all those bad feelings and thoughts if it helps you to do so. You may be surprised at how many people will try to offer encouragement and support, as much as is possible in an online forum.
I hope you will feel better soon. I have problems with depression and anxiety, too, although it's on a mild level and getting much better with adequate treatment lately, and playing games and talking to people about them, and sometimes just screaming into the abyss, is helpful.
Whatever you are going through is made much more difficult by your responsibility to take care of your sister. I have a son on the autism spectrum, but he's the so-called high-functioning kind (speaks well and goes to a regular school), I can't even begin to imagine how it would be to take care of your own problems and someone with severe autism.
I wish you strength and hope. You're already getting professional support, which is good. We're here to listen when you need to vent your bad feelings.
The frustrating thing about all of it is I'm an extrovert living a shut-in life. And, I have to impose on other people a lot because there are so many things that trigger my symptoms. I hate it because I don't want to be controlling but have to control my environment.
Anyway, I don't want to detract from what you are saying at all, because I don't mean this to be about me. And it certainly is not a competition (I hate when people do that). What I mean is, I empathize in several ways and sympathize where I can't. I truly hope you get the care that you need so you can get to the best quality of life you can get given your circumstances! In the meantime, do not feel bad at all. You don't need to apologize, you need to get it out (I joined support groups on Facebook for this very reason, and I hate Facebook typically). One thing I have learned is it is okay to mourn your former self. It's okay to let it out. It's actually more than okay; it's necessary!
I'll pray for you, and the others in this thread. I'm likely a minority here in that I'm a Christian. But forget about that, this isn't about religion.
I appreciate everyone's caring in this thread. I guess it's okay to turn this turn thread into a place where I vent. I've seen some people with thousands of posts, but who are banned. That's something that puzzles me.
On a different topic, I assume then, I'm allowed to comment on some things that I don't like about Beamdog. It's nice to bring DnD classics to as many platforms as possible, but I want to see new games from them based on DnD. I hope they aren't abandoning it. I would really like it if they would release the infinity engine for everyone to use.
As for playing table top, my only option is to use an online service. Unfortunately it's prohibitively expensive. I was gifted the Player, Monster Manual, and DM guide by a friend on DnD Beyond, which appears to be the most effective and simplest platform to use. Roll20 seems to stink. Fantasy Grounds is likewise prohibitively expensive, and I have to spend extremely sparingly because I rarely have any money. Subscription services, dozens of books and modules. I may use DnD Beyond at some point, as i already have those manuals and it seems automate rolls. I have not yet used it because I don't have a subscription, any modules, or any of the mountains of expensive content from Wizards. My thoughts are somewhat scrambled. I'll return to this thread periodically. Anyone who wants to converse, please do, I'd like to hear it.
It doesn't matter how many comments users have. If the Site Rules are broken, moderators' decisions will be similar in all the cases, no matter the user. Don't worry about those who are banned much - they had plenty of opportunities to stop doing what they did and cooperate with the moderation team.
Yes, you're absolutely allowed to discuss things you like and don't like about Beamdog as long as you follow the Site Rules.
Alright.
Are they ever allowed back? I'm just curious about some banned folks that I miss (mostly folks that I didn't see eye-to-eye with on the politics thread but enjoyed bantering with)...