DM: Right, let's continue. DM: Phaere wants you to kill some gnomes. Tepp: We wimpily obey, implying as much as we can afford that we will just let Solaufein do the dirty work. Tepp: Then we set out. DM: Solaufein is waiting for you. Tepp: We tell him we will gather manliness from the bottom of our souls to squash the puny gnomes. Tepp: At least kill the leader and run off with his helm. Tepp: Maybe just... DM: Enough. DM: Fine, he'll let you do it alone. DM: If you weren't overleveling this whole chapter, there's no way I would let the drow accept your behavior for your fighting prowess. Tepp: Okay, we explain the situation to the leader all toughguy-like. Tepp: He gives us his helm. DM: ...he gives you his helm. Tepp: We hand over the helm without any blood or buckles on it to Phaere, trying our best to hide our remorse. DM: Yeah, yeah. DM: Phaere wants you all to meet her at her home. DM: She explains briefly that she wants you spineless rothe to kill Solaufein. She hopes she won't have to say it twice. Tepp: We agree most reluctantly.
Luna: Are we gonna kill him? Tepp: Nah. She just wants his cloak. Luna: Okay. Tepp: We wimp it up to Solaufein and spend like ten minutes saying we really don't wanna kill him but will if we have to. Tepp: Really rather just have his cloak. DM: ...he can't argue your fighting skills and gives you his cloak. Tepp: Cheers. Tepp: Okay, no arguing now. I coat everyone with the dog stew that we never got to give the umber hulks. DM: There are limits to how much bullshit I will tolerate, you know. Luna: Ewww. You kept THAT? Tepp: No arguing. DM: ...Phaere tells you to stay as far away from her as possible and just put the cloak on the floor. Tepp: Aww. DM: She says to meet her at the temple. There's no time for a bath. Tepp: We do so. DM: The matron mother wants you to get some badass trophy from a neighboring race. DM: Preferably together with an overdose of testosterone. DM: Get out before she has you whipped.
Tepp: I can't shine with Horrid Wilting against the stupid kuo-toans and Waffles hates it when we kill beholders effortlessly. Tepp: We mess with the illithid. DM: Okay. DM: They capture you. Tepp: Well drat. Now we gotta kill umber hulks. DM: Now you gotta kill umber hulks. DM: Do as the aliens say or bigbrain gets mad. Tepp: We kill some umber hulks. DM: You now have some githyanki neighbors. Tepp: Do we still have the delightful smell of rotten dog stew? DM: *sigh* If you wish. Tepp: I don't. Tepp: Let's be friends with the githyanki. DM: They're preparing for battle. No time to chat. Tepp: Skip to them fighting and losing one guy. DM: ...done. Luna: Do you really need to metagame again? Tepp: ...okay, no. Tepp: (I think the writer is just eager to get to something in here.) Tepp: In fact, you can do the talking for this dungeon. Luna: Part of the decision making process again. Luna: You too, Sendy. Sendany: Well I usually just concur with you, but okay. DM: The githyanki suspect that you will be fighting each other next. Luna: That's regrettable. DM: Their leader, Simyaz, proposes that while they combat the illithid's mental influence, you find a way out for everyone. Luna: Sendy? Sendany: Don't plan on taking up residence. Luna: We agree.
DM: You kill some stupid kuo-toans. Tepp has to cast Fireball to not suck at damage. Luna: We break out. DM: The ogre attacks. Luna: We fight if we have to. DM: You have to. DM: The ogre dies. -the party progresses to the point that the way out is clear- DM: The githyanki, who are typically idiot zealots, would suddenly rather escape than help you fight the Elder Brain. DM: They do so, but you may insult them before they leave. Luna: Pass. -the party progresses to the Elder Brain's room- Luna: That's what we needed, right? Blood from that brain? Tepp: Yep. Luna: Could we just kill it and run? Sendany: Sounds preferable. It can do nasty things, I hear. We might not be in fighting shape after killing it. Tepp: It hasn't really done much. It just enhances the minds of the illithid in here, and almost all are dead. Leave the brain for last. -the party wipes out the brain's guardians-
Tepp: OKAY! Tepp: Consistency time. Luna: Huh? Tepp: Don't kill the brain yet. Tepp: This brain has like 25 int, right? DM: If it could have more, it would. Tepp: So it knows like, everything. DM: If you tell it something, it won't forget it. Tepp: And it could figure anything out? DM: Any logical problem, yes. Tepp: Is P=NP? Sendany: Bahaha. Luna: Heh. DM: ...the brain uses its superior intelligence to answer the question? Tepp: No no. Tepp: I said consistency time. Some other DM didn't let some other party get away with that answer for the circus riddle. DM: Well I am not some other DM and you are not some other party. Tepp: Just answer that one question. DM: If I knew the answer to a question worth a million bucks and mathematical prestige until the day I die, do you really think I'd be lord of a basement to which my mother may or may not have some legal claim??? Tepp: Wow. Yes or no. DM: Yes. Tepp: Prove it. DM: You said just that one question. Tepp: "Prove it" was not a question. It was a request. DM: I can't. Tepp: So the brain refuses? It's defenseless. Sendany: Doing the cloak dance on the brain. Sendany: Is the brain slippery? DM: P=NP if P=0 or N=1 or N>0 and P=+-∞. Tepp: It's not an equation. DM: GAH. DM: Twentyfive adamantite golems. Tepp: Bring it. DM: One sorcerer. Tepp: Ohh, pick me. DM: Colonoscopic malpractice. Tepp: ... Tepp: So I think we need a quest item from this here brain.
DM: On the way back to Ust Natha, the party meets Simyaz and his subjects. DM: You are free to boast about how you wiped out the illithid without them. Luna: In fact, even I am up for that. Luna: Seems Horsebreath isn't the only one intent on being a wimp. DM: They shrug it off. They care only for their Silver Blade. DM: Which you still have. Luna: If they can prove it's theirs, they will have it back. DM: The mere knowledge that you have it is almost enough to incite them to attack you. Luna: Wow, one freaking receipt is all I ask to see. Sendany: Bahahaha! Tepp: Only took like ten episodes for you to be lawful anal once. Luna: I can't help that the writer likes anagrams so much, yet couldn't just make one of lawful good. DM: The githyanki attack. Luna: Oh, bring it. Could have earned the blade, wimps. -the party slays the githyanki band-
DM: You return to Ust Natha. DM: The gates are closed. Locked. Magically. Tepp: ...this isn't supposed to happen. Luna: Oh really? I remember what happened the last time you said that! What have you done NOW? DM: Maybe the drow didn't buy all the wimping. DM: Maybe they sent their own party to acquire one of the other ritual items. DM: Maybe they got here while you harassed the freaking brain instead of just killing it. Luna: What does this mean? Are we stuck here now? DM: No. The ritual will proceed as planned, the drow will gain a powerful demon ally in exchange for the eggs, and Adalon will despise you. DM: Does despise you. DM: You are free to leave the Underdark. The jackass knows where the exit is. DM: But until Adalon dies, or you somehow earn her forgiveness, you will look like drow. DM: And she is not exactly waiting for you in her lair. Sendany: Wow. I bet you could avoid fighting every single dragon in this campaign, and we manage to piss even the good one off. Luna: You can't be serious.
Luna: YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. Luna: WHAT KIND OF OPTIONS ARE THOSE! Luna: KILL A GRIEVING MOTHER OR LOOK LIKE DROW UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE! Luna: A SILVER DRAGON! DM: Look, the jackass- Luna: I AM TALKING TO THE JACKASS. DM: *sits back and enjoys the show* Luna: YOUR. FAULT. Tepp: Hey, he just changes the story as he pleases. Luna: Sendy. Did you get the impression that us acting like wimp drow was how the story was supposed to play out? Sendany: ... Sendany: No. Luna: And while you may enjoy activities he inspires, like framing Kangaxx, do you actually enjoy ALL his little plots and schemes? Sendany: I don't understand all of them. Luna: That makes two of us. DM: Sometimes three. Luna: Because that jackass is only out to BREAK THE PLOT. Luna: He has been ever since he nagged at the very start to have the DM let Sendy to pick the locks on our cages. Luna: Ever since he left Imoen a fucking NOTE. Luna: "Didn't want to wake you. Break out on your own. We'll leave the doors open. Catch you later XOXO" Luna: How could I ever believe he gave a damn about her? Luna: He might use his knowledge to great lengths to break the plot, and he'll gladly have his character know things it shouldn't just to accomplish that. Luna: But he couldn't spare the breath to stop me from killing Bodhi. Luna: I was so moved by his speech on Brynnlaw. Luna: I was so impressed that he could find it in him to deliver the killing blow. Luna: It's because it didn't bother him. It was his chance for a clean slate. To start breaking things again. Luna: TO. WHAT. FUCKING. END? Luna: Do you just THRIVE on the chaos? Tepp: ... Tepp: It's not hard to figure out where Adalon will be. Luna: How will you EVER earn her forgiveness? Tepp: ...we won't have to. She'll get herself killed trying to take revenge on the drow or Irenicus. Luna: And you're okay with that? Luna: Maybe you'd like to help them? Tepp: Okay, so I may have had a very longterm plan for a little joke. Tepp: And it may have gotten out of hand. Luna: What is it? What is the joke? Tepp: I didn't go through all of this to spoil it. Luna: You said "may have had". Tepp: Because I don't expect I need to do more. Luna: ... Luna: So you're done breaking the plot? Luna: And I mean, DONE. As in, one more attempt at it and I will not have you around this table anymore. DM: You'd forgive him so readily? Luna: I do not forgive him. But I do not expect we can fix things without him by now. Luna: Provided he WANTS to fix anything. Luna: He has the knowledge. He has the creativity. And his class is bloody well more overpowered than mine at this point. Luna: Take the amulet. You have Improved Alacrity by now, I believe. Luna: Goof around all you like. It's funny at times. Tolerable, for most part. Luna: But make one more move to break the plot - and I will ask that our DM calls it out long before I have to figure it out - and I will strangle you with that amulet, I will tighten it so hard around your neck that no version of Vocalize will overcome the silence. Luna: IS. THAT. CLEAR? Tepp: ... Tepp: Clear. Tepp: And keep the amulet. Luna: So. Luna: Where is the exit?
DM: The party arrives at the gates to the exit. Tepp: Okay, we don't have much time. I'm sure the ritual finished before we even got here. Soon the drow will pour through here, with a lesser demon lord clearing the way for them. Tepp: We need to get to the surface and let the elves know the worst is yet to come. Tepp: And we need to convince them while looking like drow. Tepp: Not sure charisma can fix this. Tepp: *deep breath* Tepp: Getting out at least should be trivial. Let's try to avoid combat as much as possible. Don't want to kill any surface elves, but I don't think they will assume us friendly for taking out the drow either. Betrayal is natural among the dark elves. Tepp: Improved Invisibility. Times two. Sendany: Hiding. DM: You make it to the surface, where detection spells immediately reveal you. DM: Elves swing at you furiously. Tepp: Don't fight back. Tepp: I need to say something no ally of Irenicus could know... Tepp: Curses. Can't really think of anything Elhan would know that Irenicus wouldn't. Tepp: STOP. STOP. Tepp: Drop your weapons and submit. DM: The elves cease their pummeling. You are all badly wounded. DM: They tie your hands, and their general examines you. DM: He asks what treachery is at play for you to break their line just to surrender. Tepp: I ask that he bring his war sages. Tepp: I swear by all my heart that we will not lie to them. DM: He is highly suspicious, but does send for one war sage. DM: The general interrogates you. Why have you breached the surface? Tepp: To warn them that the drow have even more evil in store for them. DM: Truth, the war sage confirms. DM: Why would you tell them? Are you trying to twist the truth so that the elves will respond poorly to it? Tepp: Because we are not drow. Tepp: We are under an illusion to look like drow. DM: Truth on both accounts. DM: The general sends for his superior, Elhan, as well as another war sage. DM: If you are not drow, then what are you? Tepp: Assorted surfacedwellers. DM: Elhan demands a straight answer. Tepp: Our origins are of no consequence. The elves have very little time before an overpowering force will tear through their lines and burn this encampment to ash. DM: The war sages confirm that you strongly believe what you say. DM: Yet, you could simply have been made to believe it. Tepp: Irenicus stole- DM: Elhan demands you tell him everything you know about Irenicus. Sendany: (I think he was kinda doing that.) Tepp: Irenicus stole the eggs of a silver dragon and gave them to the drow. They offered them to a lesser demon lord in exchange for his services. Tepp: Our illusion is the dragon's doing. A strategy to reclaim her eggs. We failed. DM: Absolute truth on all accounts. DM: (How do I manage to justify them confirming what you know only through metagaming?) DM: Elhan says it would explain why a silver dragon has joined the fight. Or is trying to, at any rate. Luna: Trying to? DM: The elven city of Suldanessellar is hidden and only a certain artifact can reveal it. DM: Within, they can only imagine what atrocities Irenicus is committing. Luna: Where is the artifact? DM: Its location is not the problem. But it is guarded by powerful creatures. Luna: No time to lose. Let us at them. DM: Despite the war sages confirming your story, Elhan does not quite trust you. Tepp: How much harm could we do even if we were against them. Let us at the guardians. They have nothing to lose. DM: Elhan concedes it is a fair point. DM: If you return with the Rhynn Lanthorn, you will have gained his trust. Tepp: So release us. And give us our weapons back. DM: It is done. Tepp: And evacuate the site before it is overwhelmed. DM: Elhan will take precautions. Tepp: And one last thing, before the war sages leave. DM: Yes? Tepp: P=NP. Sendany/Luna: Hahahaha! DM: Ha. They don't know what's true, they only know if you consider yourself to be telling the truth, jackass. Tepp: Also, ask Elhan if he's keeping stakes and holy water around. DM: Go get the Rhynn Lanthorn already. Tepp: Where is it? DM: In the Government District.
DM: The party arrives in the Government District. Sendany: There's like no variety in your language. You could have used a pronoun. DM: Look, I didn't actually say it, it was just a summary of like ten lines of previous decisions and consequences. Sendany: I, it. Two pronouns. I'm proud of you. Tepp: Nothing canon about this so don't count on me to automatically know the solution here, for the record. Luna: Okay. Well the park in the middle seems like a good place to start. DM: Well yeah, I needed a large open field on short notice and the jackass would probably have found a way to annoy me if I made an area up. Tepp: Not sure why you think I'll do worse with an area I know of, but sure.
DM: You see the Rhynn Lanthorn. DM: ... DM: Look, let's just assume you know what it looks like. DM: It's elevated in the air, and you have a feeling some lame plot mechanic will keep you from taking it until its guardians lie dead. Tepp: You didn't really think this through, did you? Sendany: Lanneth quote!!!! What do I win? Sendany: Or is it "really didn't"... DM: I thought the choice of guardians through. Because karma is a bitch. DM: The Shadow Dragon is here. Add one wyrm. Sendany: Adalon? Tepp: Firkraag, titwit. Tepp: That's it? DM: Feel free to have some of Firkraag's minions. DM: Like a lot of them. DM: How about all. Times three. Sendany: And the guards are okay with this. DM: None of these creatures bother anyone so long as the artifact is left in peace. Tepp: It's that RPG law where you can cram pretty much any combination of monsters into an area, and they will immediately form a tacit agreement to not fight each other, only PC's. Luna: I thought I taught you something about tacit agreements. Tepp: Good point. Tepp: Um, about the times three thing. Did the golems breed or something? DM: Fine, not three times the golems. But the vampires and the werewolves. Wolfweres. Tepp: Alright. Well, I do have some things to say before we begin.
Tepp: Firstly, you said Shadow Dragon, yet also Firkraag. Tepp: The Shadow Dragon has a name too, you know. DM: I'm not gonna pronounce that. Tepp: Just letting you know you are being sexist again. Because it's a she. Anyway. Tepp: Why should the Shadow Dragon be angry with us? She didn't hear what we planned. For all she knows, we killed her master, broke the wardstone without using it to like put five traps around her unchallenged, and got her a lot of gold and entertainment through the construction workers. DM: Guarding the artifact allows her to cause suffering. That is all the reason she needs. Sendany: That's my kind of woman... Tepp: Right, right. Tepp: Furthermore, I imagine if we were to hypothetically not have mugged Firkraag but done things by the book, and then questioned him about what he knows about Irenicus, he might have said he would have, I quote, no dealings with that creature. Tepp: Just a hunch. DM: It's funny how an attempt on your life can throw your priorities around, yeah? DM: Are you gonna argue about the minions or can we go? Tepp: Also, I would like to have Kangaxx on our team. Sendany: Kangaxx! DM: He can't get out without his body. And bloody fat chance that will ever happen now. Tepp: We agreed he killed twelve people. Tepp: Either you agree with my logic here or I will harass you to summon endless enforcement parties to swing futilely at his skull. DM: Let's hear the logic. Tepp: Well let's just say someone found him. Maybe an orange ogre. And managed to get that easy leg for him. And one body part was enough for him to get out of the sarcophagus. DM: Okay. Kangaxx is now here. Sendany: Aww! DM: You have a golden skull at the top of a golden leg. Hopping around. Tepp: He has Lilarcor in his mouth too. DM: Sure, not like he can speak anyway. Tepp: He so can speak! He could speak when he was only a skull. He doesn't need lungs. He can talk to Lilarcor all day. DM: Right, right. I am sure Kangaxx will make a huge difference here. Why should he be on your side? He hates you. Tepp: He does, but ol' Kangy is a reasonable fellow. Sendany: Kangy, very fitting now that he's hopping around like a kangaroo. This must be his intended fate. Tepp: Kangy let us extort him for the ring. He was rational about it. He isn't going to join the horde of monsters trying to kill the only people who know where the rest of his body is. DM: He bloody well would if he knew how hopeless it would be for him to get them now. Tepp: Not arguing that. DM: Okay, congratulations. You have acquired a one-thirdilich without any ability to cast spells- Sendany: You said he could speak. DM: Somatic component. Look it up. DM: No ability to cast spells, terrible movement rate, one attack per round for 1d2 damage at 35 THAC0. If anyone at all attacks him, there's a 40% chance he'll drop the sword, a 40% chance he'll fall over, and a 10% chance the skull and the leg are disjoined. He cannot recover from any of these ailments on his own. Sendany: Factor in the fear immunity and he's still more useful than Khalid though. Tepp: Disjoining the body parts would mean destroying the one-thirdilich and creating a demi-one-thirdilich or a one-sixthilich. It should be three times as powerful as a demilich. DM: ... DM: He will not become a demilich unless his full body is reassembled and THEN destroyed. DM: Also, if he did become a demilich, he wouldn't be on your team anymore. Tepp: But the one-sixthilich should still be twice as powerful as the one-thirdilich. Luna: Yeah twice as powerful as the Lilarkangaroo. Jump for joy. DM: Yeah I'm gonna be really generous. The Demililarkangaroo can float around at will and attack with the sword once per round at 20 THAC0 for 1d2+2 damage. It has improved movement speed and is like immune to everything now. DM: If you manage to keep the whole throng of monsters here for a year, Kangaxx will kill everything eligible to be hit by Lilarcor that doesn't have innate regeneration. DM: But you might not have a year. Tepp: Also, there should be a 20% chance each round for either form of the Lilarkangaroo to be futilely attacked by an enforcement party. DM: Oh goodness FINE. Can we start fighting now? Tepp: Don't be so impatient. We needed our mascot. Tepp: By the way, how long did the journey take? DM: 10 hours, why? Tepp: Then it's day. Tepp: Bye every undead creature in Firkraag's army.
DM: Are you gonna roll some dice now? Tepp: We cast some defensive spells and send Kangaxx forward, hoping to trigger his transformation. DM: Kangaxx does not answer to you just because he's on your team. Tepp: I believe he has a fair deal of int so he should be able to figure out he's only useful to us as a tank. DM: Okay, I am not gonna spend another paragraph arguing Kangaxx. He hops valiantly into battle. DM: The dragons haste themselves. Tepp: City. DM: ...they bought licenses. Tepp: Bloody DRAGONS bought licenses?? DM: Can't have eluded you that Firkraag has a human form. Tepp: Like he'd pay the wizards anything. The only thing he does with wizards is roast them with his breath. Especially Conster. DM: Okay fine, wizards teleport in and reprimand the dragons. DM: But it was the dragons' first offense, so it won't help you. DM: Speaking of which, YOU haven't bought a license still. Tepp: ... Tepp: Okay Drizzt, you can come out now, this really isn't working out well.
DM: Drizzt's band and Kangaxx do their best to hold the line. Luna: I heal them. Tepp: Sendy, we need that Kangaxx transformation. Help him recover from the other crap until it happens. Sendany: Seriously, that's what I'm gonna be doing? Tepp: Get used to it, there's no one worth backstabbing that isn't immune to it. You can cram an area with traps later if you can sneak out. Tepp: Let me handle this enforcement party now. Tepp: My Horrid Wiltings vaporize wizards and dragonminions alike. DM: The dragons arrive at the frontline. Tepp: Scatter as much as we can afford or one breath attack will spell out TPK. Tepp: I add a planetar to the frontline. Luna: Can you add it to the clericline instead? Someone's gonna die soon. Tepp: Okay, the planetar heals a lot and stuff. Tepp: Can we keep the line stable now? Luna: I have a feeling it's gonna be just Drizzt and Kangaxx sooner or later, but yeah for now. Tepp: Sendy, do you still have that Wand of Cloudkill? Luna: I thought that's what we call your tongue, Horsebreath. DM: I veto you spamming the monstercrowd with cloudkills. Tepp: Well how graceful of you. Tepp: I empty my level 8 reserve as Horrid Wiltings. DM: Kangaxx has attracted an enforcement party. DM: A breath attack hits them. The survivors are hostile to everyone. DM: Due to flagrant collateral damage, there is now nothing alive among the guardians that isn't magic resistant or immune. Tepp: So the dragons and the golems. DM: The wolfweres were unlucky on their rolls too. They're dead. Luna: Wanna mention our frontline too? Like I said, soon it's only Drizzt and Kangaxx. Three of the band are on the brink of death. DM: Kangaxx transforms. Sendany: #contributing Tepp: Okay, have the Demililarkangaroo try to attract as much attention as possible. Tepp: Sendy, go cram an area with traps. Luna: I'm really empty here and even Drizzt can't handle all this. Tepp: Okay, the planetar goes on the frontline now. Hand out whatever potions we have to Drizzt and his band. Luna: The planetar won't live long enough for that to be meaningful. Tepp: I'm not gonna use my level 9 slots for anything else anyway. Luna: Could have summoned a new one with more heals then. Tepp: Well the bloody planetars heal a lot faster when you don't actually tell them to, so watch these next ones tank for a long time.
DM: Drizzt's band is in acceptable fighting shape and rejoins the frontline. DM: The golems' numbers are thinning out, but the dragons are at full strength. DM: You are out of planetars. Tepp: But not out of Mordenkainen's Swords. DM: Firkraag casts- Tepp: No, he does NOT know Death Spell. DM: Does too. Tepp: Second offense. DM: You've cast so many spells that your next offense would be like your 50th. Tepp: Yeah I'm sure you've let Firkraag refresh his Stoneskin a number of times without even mentioning it too. Tepp: Anyway it's not about number of offenses but time since the previous. DM: And it's not been a whole hour by any means. Tepp: Sigh. Tepp: Well Firky, let's see how many memos you have of that Death Spell. Tepp: Also, we try to steer the battle towards the trapfest. Luna: I guess I am fighting instead of casting terrible spells. Tepp: Go ahead. DM: The dragons will not follow you to the traps. DM: Distancing yourself from the wyrms will only cause them to use more breath attacks. Sendany: Leave this to me. Sendany: I've been waiting a LONG time for this. Sendany: I. Insult. Firkraag's. Accent. DM: ... DM: Fine, you taunted him. Sendany: Go me.
DM: Firkraag is terribly injured by the traps, but only Sendany is near him and short of a shocking blow he can't damage Firkraag through the Stoneskin. Sendany: To hope for a natural 20... Tepp: Just keep him busy, we're actually mopping things up over here. Sendany: Fine. Evasion. DM: The golems are dead. Tepp: Breach, like a lot. On the Shadow Dragon. DM: Drizzt's band is once again critically injured, but they manage to bring down the dragon. DM: Drizzt naturally causes the killing blow so you get no experience. DM: Firkraag will not stay and die. Sendany's taunts can't keep him in the battle. DM: He takes off. Luna: Oh come on, that's just lame. Luna: I bet you're gonna say we can't take the artifact now 'cause one guardian is still alive, yet out of our reach. DM: You bet right. Luna: This is just bad DM'ing. DM: I'm doing freaking excellent DM'ing allowing you to recover from this mess. DM: But you know, the best challenges I can give you are those to which I do not have a predetermined solution. DM: Just look, those two already have a plan. Tepp: Alright, grab Kangy. Hold him still. Aim him. Keep still Kangy. Aim him, Sendy. We'll only get one shot at bringing down Firkraag. Aim Kangy well with that 18 dexterity that should have been 19. Tepp: Right, here goes. Sendany: *sniff* Sendany: He's had so much training for this. He's all grown up now. I hope we taught him well. Tepp: Word. Tepp: I use my Ring of the Ram on the back of Kangaxx' skull. Sendany: One. Sendany: Two. Sendany/Tepp: COLONOSCOPIC! MAAAAAALPRAAAAAAAACTIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!! Luna: ... Luna: That just became our fucking warcry, didn't it.
DM: The elves were too stupid to clear the camp, so it's been like burnt to the ground. DM: But in the vicinity, you encounter Elhan and a few of his men. DM: They were close to attacking you, but they remembered Sendany's unusual combination of sporting a katana while having Spell Turning at his feet. Sendany: Mom always said I'm special. Tepp: Show them the artifact. DM: Elhan says it's not a minute too late. The demon was able to enter the city using its own dark powers, and even have the drow follow it. DM: He fears the city is lost. Tepp: Let's just go find out, shall we? DM: Elhan leads you to the entrance. Tepp: And on the way, Kangaxx catches up. DM: Really. Tepp: Wow, have some pity. He has been doing some hardcore floating to catch up with us. Tepp: Had to leave Lilarcor behind. Sendany: So somewhere in Athkatla there's a decaying red dragon corpse with a speaking hindside. Sendany: Tourist attraction of the year. Tepp: I think Lilarcor was a bad influence on Kangy. It's no wonder he became a criminal with that sword always encouraging violence. Luna: Yeah, it was all the sword's fault. Tepp: Yeah anyway, he left his leg in the sarcophagus and now he's with us. Or else. Luna: He had a bath inbetween. Or even more else.
DM: What use is Kangaxx going to be. I'm not gonna let monsters swing at him futilely again. Tepp: No, he's gonna be a threat now. Tepp: Waffles, give him the Silver Blade. DM: No vorpal hits. Tepp: Yes vorpal hits. DM: Okay, fine. But his THAC0 remains 20 and he still only gets one attack per round. So he attacks rarely and almost never hits because these endgame monsters have awesome AC. And on the occasion that he does hit, for these glorious 1d2+3 damage points, there's but a 25% chance of a vorpal hit, which still allows a saving throw. DM: Do the maths. Tepp: This is what you use Elder Brains for. DM: The point is, he will still suck, even with vorpal hits. Tepp: Suck? Poor Kangy is trying his best. It's not easy being a disembodied skull. Tepp: Also, he had 20 THAC0 already with Lilarcor, which had a clunky hilt he had to impractically chew down on. The Silver Blade is just a blade - easy to keep between his teeth. Tepp: Plus, he has been doing this for a while now. He should have some proficiency. DM: What, Tooth-Handed Weapon Style? He will not be made a combat asset again, forget it. Tepp: ... DM: If you ask nicely, I'll say the Silver Blade is a +4 weapon when wielded by him, so he can be your bodyguard against adamantite golems. Tepp: (What a noob, +3 was already enough.) Tepp: I'll take that. He stays with us. DM: Apparently so.
DM: The entrance looks like a battlefield, yet Elhan says he left no troops there. Luna: Adalon. DM: Indeed. She has been attacking the drow at every given opportunity, but the demon was too much for her. She is injured. DM: She does not attack you. Luna: We give her our sincerest condolences. DM: She does not believe you. She told you to act like drow. You didn't act one bit like drow. Luna: What, is she metagaming too now? Tepp: Nah, she has some stupid imp telling her what we do. Tepp: Just tell her we had our reasons. DM: She does not buy that, but both the demon and Irenicus are more important for her to kill than you are. So consider her an ally. Luna: Will she lift the illusion? DM: She says the city is overrun. The illusion will help you infiltrate it. There are likely no elves left to think you the enemy. DM: You will give her the artifact. She will let any elven reinforcements through and stop all drow. Luna: Should we? Tepp: Let Elhan use it to let us in first. Luna: Yeah, that.
DM: You enter a ravaged city. It looks to be completely in the hands of Irenicus and his minions. Tepp: How does Kangaxx feel about this? DM: *sigh* Kangaxx is indifferent. Tepp: Don't be like that. He's like had no one to talk to, and then only a psychopath sword. I care about his feelings. DM: He feels you should give him his body back. Tepp: Now now, I know he feels a little incomplete, but Aerie is a crybaby about her wings too for a while. She gets over it. So will he. With my support. DM: Are you trying to romance Kangaxx?? Tepp: Who are you to judge our love. DM: There's no MUTUAL love between you. Just like Aerie wouldn't possibly romance the slavers who caged her. Tepp: It's not my fault this happened to him. It was those other two liches that destroyed and dismembered him. Tepp: We just had some difficulties putting him back together. Like an IKEA piece of furniture without an Allen wrench. DM: ... Tepp: Now, I'll have you know I have extensive experience romancing Aerie. I will consider every word Kangaxx says and think long and hard before giving a carefully phrased answer. DM: Kangaxx says- Tepp: 22222222222222222222222222222222222. Tepp: Is the lovetalk over? DM: ... DM: You yourself acknowledged that Kangaxx is only with you because you know where his bodyparts are. Tepp: Ah-ah-ah! But I did not acknowledge that we put them anywhere. Only that we know where they are. Luna: The bullshit topic aside, I'm proud of your lawful analness. Tepp: Next lovetalk, please. It's bloody horrible design to have the romance start in chapter 7. DM: There is no romance you moron. Sendany: You are oppressing Tepp's têterosexuality. DM: His what? Sendany: Tête is French for head. Luna: You speak French? Sendany: Oui. Luna: Aww, it's such a romantic language. Tepp: Coming from the woman who says sensitive men are a turnoff. Luna: Coming from the man who says women change their minds. Tepp: Well I don't care. Kangaxx loves me for who I am. DM: No he doesn't. Tepp: He will.
DM: Elhan would normally send a whooping three mages off on their own into the city, protected by extremely low level spells, but because of the demon he now only has two. Tepp: Truly we are screwed. DM: Now you need to spend an awful lot of inventory space on accessing the Tree of Life so you can fight Irenicus. DM: And you're gonna be annoyed trying to remember who got what and where they put it. Tepp: Best that someone has their first five inventory slots available to save us some headache. Sendany: I'll do it. Just need to free one slot up. Here, Luna. Luna: What is it? Sendany: Chocolate. From that shop near the Government District. We were just there but no one thought of it. Sendany: (Stolen.) Luna: (...) Luna: (Merci.) Sendany: (De rien.) Tepp: So now Waffles can also whisper everyone. P=NP can get bent, there's no greater logical problem than explaining our seating. Luna: You started that problem, not I.
DM: You need some goblet that some dragon has. Sendany: Can we just attack the guy to begin with. Dragons and us don't mix. Tepp: Not so fast. Tepp: I wanna hear the DM say his name. DM: Not gonna happen. Tepp: Yawn. Planetar. Don't bother swinging at him guys, the insects will just waste our potions if you do. DM: Yeah yeah. Grats, the goblet is yours.
DM: You need some stupid sword. DM: You arrive just in time to see its guardian get owned by a demon. DM: Your wounds are many, elf, the demon gloats. I probably inflicted them on you myself and then walked 15 meters away from you so I could admire my work. DM: Feel free to seize the opportunity to take me with you in a martyr's death. DM: The elf invokes the Moonblade's power, sacrificing himself to kill the demon. DM: The sword is yours.
DM: You need some amulet and all you need to do is press buttons in the right order and the jackass will metagame it so I'm just gonna give you the amulet. DM: And the stone instruments aren't even exciting.
DM: You enter the Temple of Rillifane. DM: A lot of meanies have gathered here to prevent you from performing the ritual. DM: Among them, an adamantite golem. Tepp: Kangaxx GO!!! Tepp: Oh, also, this fight is not exciting, just put the stuff on the altar Sendy. And it's over. Sendany: That sounds like something I could pull off. Sendany: Done. DM: The golem kicked Kangaxx once before you could do that. Tepp: So? It can't kill him. No +4 or greater fists. Or feet, as it were. DM: It kicked the Silver Blade straight through the back of his head. Tepp: ... Tepp: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Tepp: YOU TRICKED ME WITH THAT +4 OFFER JUST SO THE SILVER BLADE COULD HARM HIM! DM: Yeah, shame on me for fucking around with you for once. Tepp: It didn't happen. Kangaxx bit down hard on the blade. DM: Please, what kind of jaw strength do you think he has? DM: Kangaxx is dead. Tepp: Kangaxx... Tepp: Try to resurrect him, and if we can't, there will be a funeral, and then we will avenge- Luna: We will avenge Imoen. DM: What she said. DM: You drag any nonsense into that battle and I will have Adalon join the enemy team. DM: The path is open.
The next episode is the last, and there will be a final showdown both in Suldanessellar and around the table. A lot of Tepp's unexplained idiocy will hopefully make sense.
Also, just for shits and giggles, vote AGREE on this post if you feel sorry for Kangaxx lol.
I'm sad to hear you'll be wrapping yours up without getting into TOB, but I know where you're coming from. I spend three times as much time re-reading for (and still missing) spelling and grammar errors as I do thinking about what the hell they're going to do next. It's not as easy as I remember it being.
Your characters are awesome! There's so much I can't do with Kangaxx now I wish I could...
Tush: I hate you Alora: I know Tush: You've moved up the list Alora: Charmed Tush: When I get this belt off, I swear I'm going to... DM: SISTER! Tush: ... I can't believe you would have let him do it. Alora: Oh, we haven't even started yet DM: As you approach the Friendly Arm Inn, you bask at its wonder! Randall: I've seen it before DM: You don't understand, it's like, really big! Randall: It's not that big DM: There's a drawbridge and everything! Randall: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME SIT THROUGH THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN CUTSCENE! DM: ... Five more seconds. Did I mention the walls?
DM: As you walk into the courtyard of the Inn, you see a Temple in front of you. You should probably take Flower there... Flower: NO TEMPLES! Alora: Seriously? Flower: Get me a bed! Tush: Even you have to admit that you need a priest! Ducky: I've never seen anyone turn into a puppy before, I'd remember that. I love puppies! Flower: I'm fine! Look, turning into that thing healed my wounds! Alora: The potion of healing we shoved down your throat probably helped Flower: No! That's probably the reason why I'm still hurt right now! Next time you try and drown me, make sure I'm awake! Tush: I was already planning on it... DM: The stairs leading to the front gate of the main keep are right beside the entrance of the Temple, which are you going to take? Flower: NO TEMPLES! Alora: No temples then! I'll throw you in the cheapest closet they have and let you lick your own wounds better! Like the mangey bitch you are! *stunned looks* Alora: Too soon?
DM: As you walk up the stairs you're approached by a strange man named Tarnesh Randall: *nasty stare* Tarnesh: Hi there friends, might you be the party of Alora? Randall: No Tarnesh: But I'm sure you are Randall: Not us Tarnesh: I was told that the members of her party... Randall: Look, not us, asshole. Tarnesh: One petite black hair lady name Alora Alora: You think I'm petite!? Tarnesh: One mangey hippy bitch named something god awful Flower: I'll have you know these dreadlocks are NOT because i'm a hippy! Tarnesh: One shady ruffian named Rapist of Crows, who has some signs of developing throat cancer Randall : [you said my Batman voice was awesome] Tarnesh: [Once! I said it once! After we watched the movie! It was in context then!] Tarnesh: I'll admit my description was not entirely accurate on the remainder of your party. I was not told there would be one so beautiful amongst you! Tush: *draws short sword* Tarnesh: And the big dumb barbarian one should have a mighty blade, not some butter knife Ducky: I... Randall: DON'T SAY ANYTHING! We're not the ones you're looking for, now FUCK OFF! DM: The letter courier arrives DM: MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL! IS THERE ANYONE NAMED DUCKY HERE! Ducky: I'M DUCKY! DM: Parcel for you, sir. Sign here. *hands Ducky a note* Ducky: It's from my Mom! 'Dear Ducky!' That's me! 'I got your letter! I hope you and Susan are happy together on your first big adventure. I heard you left with your friend Alora and some of the other boys from the Keep. Good luck! PS: Since you said you were going to remember that your friend killed an Ogre and her babies, I made you a cake! Enjoy! Rndall: Well shit...
DM: Tarnesh cast Horror to begin the battle *rolls dice* Everyone fails except Ducky, who is immune to Fear-based effects Ducky: Why's everyone running around all of a sudden? Alora: Ducky! Kill this bastard for me, would you? Ducky: Just a second. Oh god... It's got candles! Alora: Ducky! He's trying to hurt us! Attack him! DM: Tarnesh casts Mirror Image Ducky: Ummm... which one? Tush: Just hit all of them until he dies! Ducky: Ok. *draws dagger* I attack DM: *rolls dice* You hack and slash away at two of the images, which disappear as you make contact. Three more remain. Tarnesh begins to cast Magic Missile DM: *hands Ducky a note* Ducky: I swing for the middle one DM: ... Fuck, why doesn't anyone ever think of that the first time? Ducky: Do I hit! DM: *rolls* You hit him and stick your dagger into his chest. *rolls* He manages to finish casting his spell. *rolls 3 dice* He hits you with a fully powered salvo of Magic Missiles. You take 18 points of damage! Alora: SHIT! Flower: DUCKY! DM: Tarnesh and Ducky fall to their backs on the steps. The fear spell is broken Flower: I run up the steps Alora: Me too Flower: I try to heal Ducky. Please don't be dead! Alora: I loot Tarnesh's corpse. Please don't be empty! DM: As you begin to touch Ducky, he rolls over Ducky: Hi pretty lady Randall: Wait, how'd he survive that? He's only level 1!? DM: He must have leveled up after defeating that Werewolf Alora: Hey! I blinded it! Where's my xp! Ducky: I'm not feeling too good. Can we go to the temple, now? Please, pretty lady? Flower: Ok, We'll go. I'm just glad you're alive. DM: The guards stand around shocked by the fight which began and ended so quickly due to your presence. You help carry Ducky down the steps towards the door of the Temple. Ducky: It's not a butterknife, bitch.
I am so behind on this thread, I really need to just dedicate a few hours to reading it. Regardless, it makes me more happy then I would think to find genuine characters (Both the people playing them and the characters they play) somehow coming out of this. LET THE SILLY DnD GAMES BEGIN!
Also this makes me wish I could code. I would make a DM sim game where all you do is choose options to avoid having your session mess up. Your goal is to keep the players from quitting while maintaining story coherency, not an easy task. Option D will always be "Rocks fall". The only visual through the whole thing is a DM screen.
DM: As you enter the Temple of Wisdom Flower: *groan* DM: As you enter the TEMPLE OF WISDOM, you're greeted by Gellana Mirrorshade, the local priest. Gellana: What ails you? Tush: Don't get me fucking started... Ducky: I don't feel so good, doc Gellana: I can sense the taint on the you. On the both of you! When were you bitten! Ducky: She bit me last night Flower: I said I was really sorry about that Ducky: And I said I was really sorry about stabbing you. I thought you were a puppy, which made me sad. Then I saw it was you, which made me happy, then sad again. Gellana: So you've spread the curse to another and now bring your filth into this holy temple! Be gone with you, Wolf-Bitch! I'll have no part of you! Flower: THE NERVE! *storms out of the Temple* THIS PLACE IS AN.... DM: [You wanted that, admit it] Flower [If you want a war I'll give you a war] Gellana: I am capable of removing this vile curse from him Alora: Are you waiting for something? Gellana: Payment Alora: THE NERVE! *storms out of the Temple* THIS PLACE IS AN.... Randall: Here's the deal. I give you this diamond, and in exchange, you heal the Paladin, empty your coin purse, and give me six potions of Mirrored Eyes DM: NO! Randall: Fine, six potions of healing. Gellana: Two potions, no more. Tush: HEY! What about me! I need this belt removed! Gellana: You do not wish to be a woman? Tush: NO! Gellana: How has this fate befallen you? Randall: He deserved it Tush: You tricked me! Gellana: Everyone's path leads them towards their destiny, in time. You were meant to learn something from this experience. I will not help you until you have become more than what you are now. Tush: ... Gellana: Now go, I have much work to do. Tush: You're an asshole DM: I know. DM: As everyone leaves the room, the priest returns to her desk and begins appraising the diamond. Gellana: Don't worry, big boy. You'll be fine. All you need is a big cup of hot weed soup and it'll be gone in no time. I throw in some chicken broth for extra flavour. *snicker* suckers.
DM: Several days have passed while everyone recovered from their wounds. What are you guys up to? Tush: Since everyone seems to enjoy talking to me now, I think I'll go muck about the Inn and see what I can loot. Alora: I've been avoiding Aunt Jaheria and Uncle Kahlid successfully this whole time? DM: Except for that one close encounter in the privy, yes. You've managed to avoid them Alora: I'll roast them both alive if they ever pinch my cheeks again Randall: I'll join Tush. Keep an eye on her... you know. Ducky: Me too! Tush: You know I'm going to go stealing things, right? Ducky: My poppa said I have to try and keep you out of trouble. That was hard even before when the boys didn't always looks at you. Tush: I always wondered why you were so terrible at your job. It's because you're such an excellent bodyguard! Watch my back! Randall: Can do Tush: FUCK OFF! DM: As you wander around, you're asked of some various tasks. Agreeing to clean a house of a mild spider problem netted you a handful of Antidotes! Ducky: Our first noble quest! Tush: Alora will be glad we got some payment up front for once. What else? DM: As you move onto the next floor, a nobleman mistakes you for a servant. Nobleman: You there! Wench! Take these soiled breeches to the laundry! Be snappy about it! Tush: I'M NOT A.... is that gold? DM: Indeed Tush: Right away, sir! Back in a jiffy! Ducky: That was so nice of you! Helping out that nice man! Being good feels good, doesn't it? Tush: Sure. We'll wash these right away, then we'll return them tomorrow Ducky: Ok! You should write a note so you don't forget! I'm not very good at remembering things. Tush: I know, Ducky. I'm counting on it. Randall: Come on, lets get on with this. DM: Not yet, there's still one more quest to pick up. A woman named Ushnay approaches you. Ushnay: You there, might you help me? I was attacked by this monsterous Ogre not a few days back. He pillaged my trade caravan and he stole my belt. Barely made it out alive. Hey, wait a second, that's my belt! Randall: What? This thing? Ushnay: That's it! That's my belt! Where'd you get it from? Was it off a powerful Ogre? Randall: I don't know what you're talking about Ushnay: You must have! It was a gargantuan thing! Ducky: I'm sorry, but he took it off a lady Tush: That's right, it couldn't have been something so large and ferocious Randall: ... You heard the Paladin, they can't lie.
I'm sad to hear you'll be wrapping yours up without getting into TOB, but I know where you're coming from. I spend three times as much time re-reading for (and still missing) spelling and grammar errors as I do thinking about what the hell they're going to do next.
Ah no, the language isn't so much the issue. Although I do feel I should perhaps proofread more for inconsistencies or missed opportunities, for example Firkraag still had Stoneskin when he died, I could have breached that and said he couldn't fly far enough in those 6 sec anyway. Or colonoscopic malpractice bypasses it, who knows. The fact the party looks like drow hasn't mattered since they left the elven war camp, I'm sure a lot of jokes could have been made there (Sendany brofists Drizzt for example). Light Gem and light gem are emphasized differently. But I don't want to edit that kind of stuff when it's already been posted.
One problem is I simply don't enjoy ToB nearly as much as I enjoy SoA. Since I bought EE I have probably run a dozen charnames through SoA but the farthest into ToB any of them has gotten is killing Gromnir. One major reason for this is I like to solo or run small parties and the experience cap just discourages me.
I have like TWO jokes I could make about ToB. I'm just not as keenly familiar with it as I am with SoA.
Another problem is there's a certain theme I've been keeping through the SoA campaign which explains much of Tepp's stupid behavior (especially acting like wimp drow) which I would have to ruin for ToB. You'll see it in the last episode if you haven't caught it.
Besides, I've done a huge chunk of SoA now and probably exploited many obvious jokes as far as the main storyline goes. And you're doing BG1. What if there's another aspiring writer here? They can do ToB
Sorry to anyone who saw my name and expected the final episode. It shan't be up until 5 hours from now at the earliest and very likely not even then. I want to have a rather serious final battle and not just joke away the grand quest, but I haven't once done serious battle in this entire story, just assumed the party won or fled. The Firkraag fight was half-serious only. Don't wanna just have some endless listing of spells cast by opposing sides either, and I'm obviously not gonna allow some cheesy victory through say traps.
Fun fact: If you google for "colonoscopic malpractice" (WITH the quotation marks), you'll only find posts from this thread
Progress: I've now written like everything I want in the final post, including bonus content and table drama, but still not the final battle.
@enqenq I've missed so many opportunities, too! I really wanted Alora to say something about thinking Sarevok was hot and making that a running joke after the first encounter, but I just forgot. Think my characters are funny enough without it? I'd love some feedback since I do plan on continuing with this, even if I'm the last man standing!
I can imagine someone, somewhere, who's really sore, desperatly searching through Google to find a lawyer that specialized in "colonoscopic malpractice". Welcome to the Baldur's Gate Forums, my streched-out friend!
DM: You find yourself in terrible pain and awake in what appears to be a passageway leading to a large room. Beyond that for the moment your sight is limited, though peering the other way reveals to you that this is no area of the realms you have ever seen. Behind you is a large pit surrounded by what looks to be strange red coloured eyes. Their purpose (along with your current whereabouts) is entirely unknown to you. The pit itself seemingly only leads only further into whatever dark place you have entered.
In addition Irenicus, who only moments before you battled in Suldanessellar, is nowhere to be seen.
Paladin (Bhaalspawn): Very well I move into this large room. Let us face whatever evil may reside there and be rid of this cursed place.
Bard: Sure...you just go on ahead. I'll stay back and guard over here.
Cleric: Clearly you've forgotten that pit fiend we dealt with in the Underdark. You know the one that came out of that otherwise large empty looking pit.
Bard: Hmm...good point. On second though I'll stay behind the Paladin.
(the rest of the party agrees to enter the large room).
DM: As you enter this large room the first thing that catches your eye is the three figures in its centre. They are arranged such a way that all three are holding up this strange orb. Around the room there are other strange statues and decorations that give you a sense of foreboding fear. I'll allow your bard to make a lore check regarding these surroundings.
Bard: *Rolls 8*
DM: Perhaps you spent too much time gambling or womanizing. You certainly haven't been reading. You do recall reading prior texts about the nine hells and the old gods and from what you recall of that something about where you are seems familiar. But only vaguely so.
I'll allow your other party members to make rolls based on their own knowledge and intuition to see what they are able to infer from their surroundings.
Paladin: *Rolls 17*
DM: You immediately sensed it upon arriving here but now you are certainly clear. This place is evil in every measurable sense. As you walked into the room you noticed a gigantic doorway. As you stare at it you notice what appears to be 5 of the eyes you saw before spaced out evenly around the door. Each has a small slot in their centre and each seems to follow your group as it moves. Presumably unless at least some of these slots are filled this door won't open. However, given your surroundings you suspect that the objects required to open this door will not come into your possession easily.
Mage: *Rolls 14*
DM: You sense old magic at work here. With the exception of perhaps your experiences with failed temples of Amaunator you have not seen magic this old before. As to its origins or purpose you are unsure, though you suspect that this door is as likely to be keeping something out than keeping you here.
Druid: *Rolls 16*
DM: For whatever reason you have retained your powers despite feeling no connection to your grove. You can tell that nothing in this place is natural. You are also quite certain that if this place is a godly creation it is not a creation of one of the nature deities.
Cleric: *Rolls 3*
Bard: Ohh come on...this was like your one chance to be useful and you blew it!
Cleric: Hey man don't blame me. Its the dice!
DM: You are frozen in fear from our surroundings. All you know is that this place is immeasurably evil. You Besides that you have no clues to offer the group.
Fighter: *Rolls 20*
Bard: Ohh of course he rolls the natural 20!
Fighter: What can I say? I'm just that good!
DM: For a moment it seems as though you are more focused than ever. You scan the area thoroughly but come up largely empty handed. Apart from something really funky going on down here you have no clue what all these statues are about. As for the door, well, you figure its probably too thick for your sword to smash through.
(the party agrees to share their discoveries with each other).
Bard: So I don't suppose I could use Knock on the door?
DM: You could try but you figure its unlikely to work.
Bard: I cast Knock on the door.
Wizard: What a waste.
Bard: Ohh and you had something better in mind? Come to think of it what have you done during our last few adventures. It almost was like you were barely there!
Wizard: Hey I've done lots of important things. You've just been too busy talking and not done enough watching!
Bard: Ohh yea sure. You are just as useful as the cleric!
Cleric: Hey don't drag me into this!
DM: The spell fails however your close proximity to the door and a better view of the room has allowed you to gain further insights. There are 5 passageways leaving this room. Presumably each passageway holds a key or object needed to open this door.
(after much bickering the group decides to go down the passageway that is directly opposite from the door)
DM: Your group enters a new area. This place is has walls that are coloured in sort of a dark green colour and rocks appear to play a prominent role in its design. As you enter the room a demon appears. He presents himself as Selfishness and describes to you the circumstances that you now find yourself. You are in Bhaal's realm he explains, or at least what is left of it, and both Irenicus and you have been brought here. Neither you or he is alive or dead apparently, much to the amusement of this demon. The demon also explains that you need to complete tests to gain the Tears of Bhaal needed to go on to claim your soul back from Irenicus. He explains that he himself is in possession of one and will give it provided you go through his test.
Suddenly the groups fighter is held motionless. The demon explains to save him the paladin must be willing to make a sacrifice. Go to the left and make a number of personal sacrifices and the fighter lives. Go to the right and the fighter dies. Suddenly he teleports away with the fighter. You can sense that he is still nearby though all you have in front of you are a two different doors.
Bard: Pff...he's just a fighter. We can probably find another one when we get out of here. I say we let him die and then get out of here!
DM: I'm just going to point out that there are personal ramifications in these tests. Any evil action taken during them could result in a character permanently becoming evil.
Bard: Wait...what?
Paladin: That is pretty ridiculous dude.
DM: As a child of Bhaal these tests are demonstrative of your personal soul. How you respond to them is a much greater reflection of your own alignment than anything you have done previously.
Paladin: Well, I guess it doesn't really matter at least for now. Looks like I'm taking a door to the left.
DM: You enter the door and a bolt of what looks like lightning zaps you. You've permanently lost 2 health.
Paladin: HA thats it. Well onto the next one.
DM You enter the door. Suddenly you feel a sharp pain. Recovering from it you notice yourself to be a lot less nimble than you used to be. You've lost 1 dexterity permanently.
Paladin: Ugh. I'm all for helping people but couldn't it have been a useless stat? like wisdom?
Bard: Yea its not like you were ever going to use it to begin with!
DM: You sense the demon is near. In all likelihood this is the final door of the test.
Paladin: I open the door.
DM: Nothing happens. This seems odd to you. After discussing with your group what just happened you begin to realize you have lost experience. Battles you previously fought you have no idea how you won. Thankfully however your level doesn't appear to have been affected.
DM (Demon): Ha the innocent lives. A selfless act if there ever was one! The Tear of Bhaal is yours Bhaalspawn.
DM: With that the demon disappears. The fighter regains his composure and joins the rest of the group. The paladin opens up his pack and notices the inclusion of a small tear shaped gem.
(With that the party leaves the area and returns to the large room)
Paladin: I place the tear in the appropriate slot.
DM: Suddenly one of the eyes quickly seals shut. Whatever you did seems to have worked. Passing the test has also granted you a bonus of 10% innate magical resistance.
Paladin: Sweet.
DM: Indeed. You have come a bit closer to finding Irenicus and freeing yourself from this place.
DM: You set foot on the Tree of Life. Your first impression is that the name is not apt. DM: The tree is not merely dying. It is being corrupted. Tepp: The demon lord... Tepp: Hmm. Nevertheless, our target is Irenicus. DM: Neither of them can be seen in the immediate vicinity. Luna: What else is there to do but explore? DM: Your first discovery is Adalon. No better for the wear since the last time you saw her. DM: She explains that while Irenicus is sapping the tree of power, the demon lord is helping the drow twist it into a perverted monument to Lolth. Tepp: And those goals are compatible? DM: No, but they seem content to share. Tepp: As if. Drow are treacherous. Tepp: We should- DM: Now that you're here, Adalon suggests you take on Irenicus while she deal with the drow and the demon. Luna: Would she even win that? DM: She declines to answer. Tepp: Look, better to play them against each other. Tepp: Our best shot at victory might be doing nothing. DM: Adalon refuses to do nothing. If the drow get what they want, it will only encourage further egg thefts. Luna: Then we'll fight alongside her. First the drow, then Irenicus. DM: She does not trust you enough for that. Sendany: This isn't a discussion, is it? She's just telling us what she's gonna do so we can adapt to it. DM: Pretty much.
DM: Adalon leaves to do battle. Sendany: If we followed her and aided her, I doubt she would go out of her way to kill us. Sendany: Might be indifferent to our fate at worst. Tepp: I think we need a different approach to this. Tepp: While we fight them, Irenicus will have free access to whatever essence the tree still has. Tepp: And as far as I can tell, he's already drained enough to be nigh undefeatable. Tepp: One crippled dragon isn't going to swing the balance in our favor. Tepp: Above all, remember the drow have no reason to aid Irenicus. They might just swoop in and kill both him and us. Luna: That sounds pretty grim. Sendany: It does, but dwelling on that isn't going to help. Sendany: Time is against us. Tepp: One thing might work... Tepp: Simulacrum. Luna: What do you have in mind? Tepp: Something cunning, I hope. Sendany: Must be something special for you to use a level 8 slot for something else than Horrid Wilting. Tepp: Don't kid yourself, it was a scroll. Tepp: Let's wipe out the parasites.
DM: The last parasite falls. DM: You hear Irenicus' voice in your minds: I can see you. Your illusions are no match for my powers. DM: He summons you to him. Luna: IRENICUS! Irenicus: Gnats. Irenicus: You make it so convenient for me. I thought I would have to hunt you down for what you did to Bodhi. Irenicus: Yet here you are, asking for me to take all my revenge in one single day. Irenicus: How can I refuse. DM: Does anyone have anything to say before the battle commences?
Tepp: A request, before we begin. DM: Yes? Tepp: (whisper, whisper... in the event that we win, whisper, whisper...) DM: That's a good idea. DM: Coming from you, it's pure brilliance actually. Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Kangaxxmas, whisper, whisper...) DM: And there it stopped. Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Framing Evil Demiliches For Dummies, copyright, royalties, whisper, whisper...) DM: Enough. Tepp: (whisper, whisper... The Kangaxx Foundation For Curing Extreme Leprosy, whisper, whisper...) DM: Shut up. I'll do the first, but no more mention of Kangaxx.
Sendany: I have a question for Irenicus. Sendany: How does he cope with the lactic acid from holding his arm out all the time? DM: ... Tepp: Have you seen how big his muscles are, titwit? I'm sure it's no problem. Sendany: Large muscles are correlated with hypertrophic and explosive strength training. Static strength and endurance do not come with that. You'd have to train for those as well, and let's just say it's very unlikely he does. Contrary to what newbies believe, being able to lift something very heavy a few times does not mean you can trivially lift something very light a lot of times. In fact, you'll probably suck terribly at it. If you think otherwise, you probably believe in spot reduction too. Sendany: Do you even lift? Luna: Hehehe. Tepp: Well, um... Tepp: When I roll for Horrid Wilting damage, I lift TWENTY dice where each has EIGHT sides. Sendany: Wow. I hope you warm up first. DM: I warned you to not bring any nonsense into this battle. DM: It wasn't just for the jackass. Luna: The battle hasn't begun yet. Sendany: (Merci.) Luna: (De rien.) DM: *sigh* DM: Irenicus is just genetically superior, okay?
DM: Luna, do you also intend to test my patience? Luna: No. I have but one thing to say before we begin. -Luna utters a quiet prayer and raises her mace to catch what little moonlight has managed to slip through the canopy.- -It might just be the wind, but the branches seem to clear that the light might fully engulf her.- Luna: Righteousness flows through me. On this night, Tyr and Selûne are one within me. Luna: I am the blinding ray of justice!
DM: The battle begins. Tepp: Improved Alacrity. Spellstrike. Breach. Tepp: Hit him, Sendy! Don't let him cast Time Stop! Sendany: Backstab. Sendany: ... Sendany: That has to be my weakest backstab in this whole campaign. DM: He cannot be caught unaware. Too powerful. DM: But you did interrupt him. Luna: Draw Upon Holy Might. Tepp: Summon Planetar. DM: Irenicus takes control of your Planetar. Tepp: WHAT? Tepp: Okay, Sendy, keep it busy until I can get another one out. Sendany: Evasion and a silent prayer for the dice to not hate me now. Luna: Righteous Magic. DM: The Planetar hits Sendany hard, but he avoids vorpal death. Tepp: New Planetar. Planetar duel, go! Sendany: Could use some healing here... DM: Irenicus uses Power Word: Stun on Sendany. Tepp: Gnnnh. Luna: I attack Irenicus. DM: Your swing strikes true and hard. Irenicus' contingencies trigger. He is once more impervious to attacks and spells. DM: He begins to cast Time Stop again. Tepp: I've already used four level 9 spells... Tepp: Spellstrike. Luna: But I don't have any spell attacks... Luna: Dispel Magic on Sendany! DM: The Time Stop finishes.
DM: Irenicus conjures symbols for fear and stun, and then casts Time Stop once more. DM: He casts Horrid Wilting twice, and then Absolute Immunity. DM: Tepp and Luna are both stunned. DM: Sendany is free to act. Sendany: Well what the hell... Sendany: Couldn't backstab even without the Stoneskin, can't exactly run off and set traps... Sendany: Uh... Sendany: I pick the lock on Ellesime's cage! DM: Ellesime rushes out of the cage and implores the tree to use some of its remaining strength to aid the party. DM: The stun effects end, and you are all healed somewhat. Roots and vines bind the turned Planetar in place. DM: Irenicus is angered and incapacitates Ellesime, then throws her back in the cage and locks it magically. Tepp: Breach! Planetar go! Luna: Mass Cure. DM: Just then, you notice your illusions ending. You no longer look like drow. Sendany: Adalon lost? Luna: I will not be distracted by that.
DM: Irenicus dismisses the entangled Planetar and takes control of the other one. Tepp: ... Sendany: On it, on it. Greater Evasion. Luna: Regeneration on Sendy. Tepp: We can't let him cast- DM: Time Stop? You just did. DM: He casts Ultimate Malison. Tepp: What, no such spell. DM: With his power, there is. Your saving throws are rock bottom. DM: He casts Chaos. DM: The Time Stop ends. All three of you are confused. DM: Irenicus holds the Planetar back so he can gloat.
Irenicus: Pathetic! All three of you, pathetic! You should have taken to a life of debauchery the moment you pressed the stake through and you might have had some pleasure before your inevitable doom! Irenicus: Did you think you could defeat ME? I am JON IRENICUS, and my power rivals that of the gods! Irenicus: Do you think your sorcerous talent can compete with my intellect? Irenicus: Do you think your sneaksmanship can fool my cunning? Irenicus: Do you think your prayers can be heard against my arcane voice? Irenicus: You rush towards your doom for some twisted sense of justice! Pathetic, pathetic like the sorry girl you sought to avenge! Sendany: Wait. Luna: No. Luna: He can mock us all he likes, but Imoen is OFF LIMITS. DM: What are you gonna do about it? You're confused. Tepp: He just spoke the magic words to break us out. DM: Didn't sound like Dispel Magic to me. Tepp: You know what I mean. DM: I do not. Luna: THIS is our purpose. Luna: He mocks Imoen with every remorseless breath he takes! Luna: We will not be stopped. DM: I know. DM: Just wanted to hear the jackass argue in favor of something else than fucking around with Kangaxx. DM: Enjoy freedom, the removal of the Ultimate Malison effect and a +2 circumstance bonus to your rolls for the remainder of the battle. Luna: For Imoen!
Sendany: Can I go toe to toe against the Planetar now? Tepp: No. But Adalon will handle it. Luna: She's here? Luna: She's here. Luna: What happened? Tepp: Let's just say that demons are prideful creatures and have no interest in serving a dead summoner. Luna: And how is it their summoner died? Tepp: My simulacrum might have joined the battle and had a talk with Phaere. Tepp: Might have rid her of the delusion that the greatest enemy of tree-dwelling elves is drow. Sendany: Then what is? -Tepp flaunts his Ring of the Ram- Tepp: Gravity.
Tepp: Now, I believe that bastard has quite expended his reserve of high level memos, and this turn of events might have caught even him off guard. Tepp: Breach. Sendany: I att... wait. Sendany: If he's off guard, I try to hold him still. DM: You manage to disrupt his spell, but you cannot hope to grapple him for more than a few seconds. Sendany: I'm hoping that will be enough. Luna: Oh, Irenicus. Luna: I have a Harm spell with your name on it. DM: Success. DM: Irenicus drops to one knee. Irenicus: ... Irenicus: YOU killed me...
Bonus ending. It's what Tepp whispered the DM about. A word of warning before you read it - you might find it too romantic. It is NOT a resurrection of Imoen, but it still probably violates some D&D/Bhaalspawn mechanics. If you're lawful anal you probably don't wanna read it.
DM: Irenicus dies, yet you have a feeling it's not over, that things are not yet right. Luna: What's happening? Tepp: Let me explain...
DM: You arrive in Hell... DM: (Wow, he didn't correct me.) DM: You arrive in Hell, and Irenicus lies before you. You are all battered, but you get on your feet before he does. DM: He musters the strength to rise, and is most surprised to see you before him. DM: He gloats at you: So what happened? Did I explode and take you with me? DM: You are most deserving of this! Eternal suffering might be bearable knowing you'll share the fate! Luna: Oh no, Irenicus. We still live. Luna: It's only that killing you once isn't enough for us. DM: He mocks you: So what, you wish to send me off to non-existence and save me from damnation? Be my guest! Luna: No, that's not it. Sendany: Far be it from us to deny you your rightful punishment, Irenicus. Sendany: Eternal suffering is no less than you deserve. Luna: But endure it within the confines of your own black soul. Luna: Not Imoen's. -the party members brandish their weapons- Luna: Her spirit will SOAR.
Tepp: Try to make us play the next campaign, will you? DM: Not YOU if I can help it, but sure. DM: Six humanoids are seated around a table with seven chairs. DM: Later, they will turn out to be called the Five. The sixth is presumed to be the janitor. DM: A janitor who clearly has a say in matters, since two of the Five are supposed to be women, yet you hear four distinct male voices. DM: One of them exclaims: Gorion's Ward has... grown too powerful! We should have acted long before now. DM: ... Tepp: Continue, will you? DM: Oh. Of course. DM: Another replies: There is no reason to be concerned. The fate of this fool has been sealed. DM: Yet another asks: But can we be so sure? DM: And yet another finishes: This spawn of Bhaal is doomed. There is no escape. DM: In practice, it means you will get a free pair of Boots of Speed. DM: Now excuse me for a moment. DM: Hmm... how about... no... well maybe... no... so that's why... REALLY... okay how about... no! Tepp: Hehe. DM: QUESTION. Tepp: Is it about something that should have been established at character creation, and you've managed to not think of until now? DM: I hate you SO MUCH. DM: QUESTION: Which one of you IS Gorion's Ward? DM: Which one of you is the Bhaalspawn??? Tepp: BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! DM: SERIOUSLY TELL ME! Tepp: WORST DM EVER! DM: THAT DOES IT. DM: I'M ROLLING 1D3 TO DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE BHAALSPAWN. Tepp: THERE ISN'T EVEN SUCH A THING AS A THREESIDED DIE YOU LOSER. DM: I'M LORD OF THE LEVEL I DECIDE WHAT'S REAL. -Tepp and the DM engage in a violent LARPduel-
Yeah, that was Tepp's plotlong joke. I've compiled all the reasons the DM never thought to wonder which one of them is charname. It is not at all 100% waterproof, but I am pretty happy with it given I didn't even think of doing it until they staked Bodhi.
Category "You didn't catch this one, you didn't even read the story or play the game": Irenicus took Imoen's soul instead of charname's.
Category "Recruitable NPC, don't you dare address charname": They didn't take Valygar in because he'd start bantering with charname if they kept him and he'd walk up to charname if they kicked him. Viconia was killed before she could call out to charname. Well played DM. Sendany broke them out of Irenicus' cages so Imoen didn't have to open charname's first, and they didn't take her with them because banter. Nalia was too angry with them to ask to join, Haer'Dalis never met them because not doing Planar Prison. However these two weren't planned and feel a bit loosely motivated.
Category "Strongholds": Didn't hand in Mae'var or Unseeing Eye quests, Lavok killed. Thus the DM never had to check if the respective characters were eligible for the strongholds due to being charnames.
Category "Remaining": Avoided the name Veldrin because it goes to charname. Acted like wimp drow so the DM wouldn't dream of having Phaere sleep with charname or even ask to talk to charname in private. Look for what isn't there: Nobody ever invoked a Bhaalspawn power.
Lastly, if you caught this one, you are so nerdy you should take sides in the LARPduel: Tepp was in fact trying to get the de'Arnise Keep locked. Why? Because if they went in to restore the flail, they would have found the Find Familiar scroll too. As only charname wizards can have a familiar, he didn't want to have to comment on whether or not he wanted it.
Luna: Should we do something? Sendany: Naw. Let them duke it out. Sendany: Might you want to go out for a drink instead? Luna: Like a date? With you? Sendany: Oui. Luna: Mmm... Luna: Sure, why not!
This has been great fun. I never expected all of this to stem from my wish to see a DM's reaction to a party trying to pickpocket Ihtafeer's head. Thanks to @Necomancer for starting the thread, and thanks to the audience. I wouldn't have kept going if those likes didn't roll in.
While I've explained I very likely won't do ToB, I might come back here and do WK at some point, if it's still up for grabs or I feel I can pull off a story different enough from the existing one(s).
I leave you with this message...
Sendany: Cheer for me, readers. Going for a #firstdate #consensualcolonoscopicmalpractice
@enqenq A fabulous conclusion. I love it. So much forethought seems to have gone into this, and it payed off. It was wonderful. I sure hope we'll get a little more in the future.
No. Neither Luna's for that matter (but I did narrow it down). I also haven't mentioned their appearance in general. I figure I should have done this at the very start if I wanted to, but I don't regret not doing it. I've mentioned it as it's been part of jokes, but for the rest I reckon you guys might have your own ideas what race they play and how they look. Why should I tell you after half the story that you imagined them "wrong" if it's not gonna lead to anything anyway
When Luna calls Tepp out on revealing her race to the readers, it's more for the humor of them acknowledging they're in a story. And also because Luna and Tepp like to fight. There was never some grand reveal planned for her race. Let it be any tall race you want. Same with Tepp of course, though if you want to be perfectly anally correct about it one of them needs to provide Infravision.
DM: *hands Flower a note* Flower: What do you mean, out? Bentley Mirrorshade: I said out! Go, leave this place! Alora: What's going on here? DM: It seems Flower is being evicted Flower: But your sales have tripled since my first brew came out Bentley: They have Flower: Our estimates show that we'll sell out my next batch within weeks Bentley: Days, if they all drink as much as your pretty friend Tush: Best batch yet, love! *burp* Which one of you boys wants to buy me another round? Flower: Then why are you kicking me out!? Randall: You know why Alora: I told you there would be consequences... Flower: That?! Oh, please! I already said you can chain me up when the next moon turns. I'm fine with it! I don't want to hurt anyone else Bentley: Your curse is no fault of your own. That is not why I am asking you to leave Flower: THEN WHY!? Randall: It's because of the fucking vote, you twit Flower: The vote? All I proposed was that we expand the eastern storehouse to make room for more kegs. We're going to need a larger warehouse if we want to keep up with demand. Alora: Ducky, didn't I say there would be consequences? Ducky: You did! I remember that! You can't hurt where the Gods live! Randall: That 'eastern storehouse' is currently being called 'The Temple of Wisdom' Flower: Currently. Things are going to change around here once the taps start flowing. Bentley: MY WIFE IF THE DAMN CLERIC! Flower: Our projections show that my ale, pint-for-pint, will bring in more revenue than her mystery soup! It's simple mathematics! You have to look at the bigger picture! Alora: Flower, I never thought you'd grow up to be such a capitalist. I'm so proud Flower: Don't you EVER call me the C-word again! Alora: She does have a point, Bentley. Just think of the coin! We'll all be rich! I'll buy a nice tower in Baldur's Gate; I wonder if there's one for sale. DM: You guys can't just assume that taking on new identites will work. You're being hunted by dangerous assassins, remember? Alora: I'm the one being hunted by dangerous assassins, not them. They can all stay here in safety for the rest of their lives and no one would care Flower: I never thought The Black Lady would be so caring Alora: Don't YOU ever call me the C-word again! I can take care of myself, let them finance my adventures from afar. Ducky: Oh no, my poppa told me I have to keep you out of trouble and I'm doing a good job so far! Alora: You're far from the most useless member of the party, I'll give you that Flower: We've nearly died every time the DM picks up the dice! I'm your only healer unless Ducky ever decides you're not pretty anymore. Someone has to keep you alive until I can set up another shop. Tush: I go where the ale goes Flower: Damn right you do! Your tab is already through the roof! Tush: I'll take care of it. These pockets ran dry long ago... Randall: I'm fine with driving home right now, if you're all cool with walking. Yeah, Didn't think so. Bentley: GET THE HELL OUT! ALL OF YOU! Randall: Before we go, someone should go take a piss over by that Pine tree... DM: *nasty glance* Randall: It's the call of nature, and it just so happens to be the largest tree around. DM: THIS IS IT! NO MORE! Randall: I take my ring and get out.
DM: Randall and Tush step out of the shadows between the trees and into your small camp. Tush: Bandits Alora: Where? Tush: Just past the bend in the road, nessled against the north cliff face Ducky: How many? Randall: Less than a dozen Ducky: ... Flower: Less than twelve, Ducky Ducky: Thank you Alora: Are they human? Randall: Bunch of filthy Hobgoblins. Tush: I'm not trying to talk to this lot, not after the last two! DM: I told you that if they wished you harm, they'd probably just shoot first, did I not? Alora: I want to see if we can hook up with them. DM: I also told you to stop trying that! Alora: You said to 'stop trying that FOR NOW'! Which implies I should continue to try because it will eventually work! Randall: Since I'm not allowed to metagame anymore, I can't point out how stupid any of this is DM: Fine, do whatever you want. Don't complain to me when you get an arrow in the ass. Alora: I say we fight, agreed? Flower: We could easily avoid them Randall: Agreed Flower: There's a path right there Tush: I'll take out their shaman once you all engage Flower: We are outnumbered two-to-one... Ducky: *draws a newly re-forged Greatsword* You didn't count Susan! Flower: That was actually counting Susan Alora: Alright, lets go hunting
DM: Tush and Randall fade back into the shadows while the rest of you walk down the road. The bend Tush described is up ahead, what do you do? Alora: I approach cautiously Ducky: I'm right beside her Flower: I'll stay within healing range, but otherwise am as far away from this mayham as possible DM: You turn the bend and see the whole camp in front of you. *rolls* Ducky made too much noise and they all notice you Alora: God damnit Ducky! Ducky: Oops, sorry. Alora: I cast a desperation Sleep DM: What was that? Alora: You heard me! I cast a desperation Sleep! DM: Hmmm.... *rolls* In your 'desperation' to cast Sleep, you feel your body become overloaded with magical energy... Alora: What!? DM: You are speaking the words and performing the gestures for a Sleep spell, but you can feel something is going terribly wrong Alora: What are you doing to me!? DM: *rolls* The skies go black, you can all feel the ground quake. A ring of flame bursts from the ground, and a great and terrible sight emerges. You've summoned a Pit Fiend, a greater devil of the Nine Hells Alora: But I'm a Sorceress, not a Wild Mage! DM: So you are, how strange... Randall: This is why I hate playing D&D with you
DM: The Pit Fiend spreads his wings and a ring of flame bursts out from around him, incinerating the bandit camp and the hobgoblins within it. Tush and Randall are illuminated by the blast, but were fortunate enough to be outside the radius Tush: Well, I'll see you in town *smoke bomb VANISH* Randall: We are totally fucked, guys DM: The Pit Fiend begins to laugh Mexxall'Eshtexx: I have been freed! Free to walk the mortal realm! Alora: Shit... Mexxall'Eshtexx: You! You're the one responsible for this? Well, it would make sense, few else could have the power. I shall have to reward you for this gift! I shall devour you quickly before I burn your plane of existence to ash! Ducky: Oh no you don't! I begin to attack him with Susan DM: Your blows bounce off him to no effect. The devil laughs even louder Mexxall'Eshtexx: Dinner, entertainment, my dear you are such a wonderful hostess. Much better than your father ever was. Ducky: I cast protection from Evil on myself and continue to attack! DM: *rolls* Your sword strains and shakes as you feebly connect blow after blow Flower: Ducky, stop! It's no use! You're just going to break her again! Mexxall'Eshtexx: Paladin. I haven't had that morsel in eons! I have a wonderful sauce in mind for you! Randall: Alora, cast something! Alora: Like what!? I only know two spells! Randall: Anything, just cast it with 'desperation' DM: Oh fuck... Alora: AH HA! Blindness! DM *rolls* You feel another overwhelming surge of magical energy burst out from you. The Pit Fiend's form begins to shutter and quake. Randall: AGAIN! Alora: Sleep! DM: *rolls* The demon lets out a great cry and seems serverly weakened Ducky: I hit him with my dagger! DM: Your dagger pierces the devils flesh. The wound begins to smoulder Ducky: I hit him again! And again! And again! DM: *rolls* You stab the beast over and over. Your blows becoming more forceful and vicious. He slumps over. Randall: Finish him off! Alora: Wait, I want this kill! I cast another Blindness in desperation! DM: *rolls* The ground around the Pit Fiend shakes as the beast is engulfed in magical energy. You are all knocked from your feet except Alora. Blinding pulses of light burst from the Pit Fiend. Alora, you can see the beast twisting and mutating, growing smaller and weaker with each pulse of energy. When it stops, all that remains is a small crater, with a battered Imp laying on the ground Alora: Well then, what do we have here? Mexxall'Eshtexx: What have you done! I'm nothing! All my powers are gone! Curse you! Curse you! I will devour your soul piece by piece for a century! Alora: Awww... How cute. I put my belt around his neck DM: What are you doing? Alora: I'm taking him with me! You have a problem with that? DM: Well, yeah! You can't just take him along, he's a major devil. Alora: He's my familiar now DM: You don't even have that spell! Randall: She also doesn't have Gate now, does she? Mr. Master of Dickish Dice DM: Ducky is a Cavalier, he can't be in the same party as a pit fiend! Alora: He's just an adorable wittle Imppy now, isn't he! Ducky: I don't know about this Alora: Just think of him as a puppy Devil Ducky: I love puppies! Mexxall'Eshtexx: I will consume you all! Alora: I'm going to call you 'Mooshie.' Now what was that you were saying about Gorion? Mooshie: My rage will not be contained! Alora: *yawn* You're getting kinda boring. Get in my pack, Moosh.
OK, it's been far too long since we've last checked in on our intrepid, inspiring, and often inebriated band of adventurers. I apologize for the delay, I've been busy with work and finishing off my Thief playthrough (great game, by the way).
Earlier in this thread, before I officially named these characters, I wrote about a Lawful-Stupid Paladin accepting Silke's quest in Beregost. I would like to officially incorporate that scene into this playthrough. Think of it as the trailer for the movie that was about to come. The only ret-con would be that the Fighter is now our Ranger, Randall the Raven.
*We Re-join our adventurers in the middle of Beregost, standing over the corpse of a recently defeated Silke*
Garrick: So.... Anyone looking for a Bard!? Randall: Fuck off Flower: I'll patch up Ducky's face. That was totally unnecessary, Tush! Ducky: It tickled Tush: If you're on 'the list', you deserve what's coming to you. Should have helped me take off the belt. Now let's go get a drink. How'd you get out of that mess with the Pit Fiend alive, by the way? Alora: I'll explain later. I'll also take that wand, thank you very much! I'm pretty high on that list myself DM: There's a pub right beside you. It's called the Red Sheaf Inn Randall: There's like 4 taverns in this town, lets go to one of the better ones... DM: *nasty stare* Randall: ...fine Tush: It's the closest one, and I'm thirsty now! It's been a tough day Ducky: You haven't fought once Tush: I robbed a mansion for that wand! Alora: A wonderful wand it is *polishing the wand* Tush: I'll have it back any time now Alora: All loot comes through the party leader! Those are my rules! You follow my rules or I'll see how much voltage your face can handle. Tush: Fine, lets grab a pint and I'll show you what I've grabbed. DM: As you walk into the Red Sheaf Inn, a dwarf approaches you. He's got a mean look on his face, and is eyeing down Alora Karlat: Why ello' there. You must be The Black Lady. Alora: I don't think he wants to buy me a drink Karlat: Bright lass, you are! I'll take your head back to the boss and get my payment soon enough. Alora: I hope you have the stones for it! Karlat: I'll show you my- DM: *rolls* Tush makes a sucessful backstab. His mace connects solidly with the back of Karlat's helmet. He appears to have been stunned. His eyes move around frantically, but he's been compleatly paralyzed. Tush: Yeah, I noticed this guy snooping around earlier. Figured he would try something funny. Randall: And what is that!? Tush: This? Just some cool little mace I lifted off some stupid traveller. It's so much easier to steal things now that the men just invite me back to their rooms. Even had the blacksmith identify it for free after I drank him under the table. Men are so gullible, am I right ladies? Randall: What? There are no magical maces in Beregost! DM: Oh, didn't you know? There's been quite a few changes since the Enhanced Edition came out Randall: *look at the mace* this thing is ridiculous! DM: I know, right? Randall: And she gets it this early! DM: And she doesn't even have to fight some gemstone obsessed mercenary or an evil cleric with daddy issues to get it, either. Randall: And you let me take Long Swords like a chump! DM: Bwahahaha! Your skills are outdated, old man! Go back to the shadows of BGT where you belong! Randall: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Flower: What are we going to do about this assassin? He's been incapacitated. We should call the watch Tush: I'll just finish him off Flower: He deserves to be tried for his crimes and then be punished Alora: *ZZZZZAAAAAPPPPP* DM: Karlat explodes into a mess of charred chunks of flesh. The entire tavern is now covered in gore. Alora: Wow, that IS fun! Let me find the chunk that had his coin purse DM: You find his coin purse, as well as a document describing you. It's a bounty notice, much the same as the one Tarnesh has on his person at the Friendly Arm Inn Alora: Woo hoo, looks like the price on my head has gone up! DM: You're proud about this? Alora: Of course! I've got a bad reputation to uphold! DM: *sigh* This could have been such a noble and heroic quest... The bartender is yelling at you to leave now. You should probably go.
DM: As you exit the bar, a young half-elf approaches you. Her name is Neera, she describeds herself as a Wild Mage and emplores you for help Alora: Wait, a Wild Mage? Neera: That's right. Alora: Ok, help me out here. *pulls out Mooshie* I summoned this thing instead of casting a Blindness spell, what's the big deal!? Mooshie: *gasp* Let me out! Your pack smells worse than the bog pits of Dis! Neera: Look, I don't know what happened to you. All I know is that I was born during the Time of Troubles and that seems to have an effect on my ability to cast magic Flower: Not that bed-time story again... Alora: So was I, but I've never had any problems before! Neera: Most people don't, but please! Help me! There are men hunting me down! Alora: You've been of no use to us. Fend for yourself! Neera: But they're going to cut me open! DM: A group of mages appear. They begin to surround Neera Alora: Not my problem Ducky: Shouldn't we help the pretty lady? Randall: What happened the last time we did that? Hmm, Ducky? This woman's a stranger to me. I don't trust her. Ducky: Maybe you're right... Flower: This is wrong! DM: As the mages begin to drag Neera away, she cries out.. Neera: She's a wild mage, too! DM: The mages stop and look at Alora. "Two for the price of one?" "Sound's good to me" Alora: You bitch! Ducky: Why are all the pretty ladies in this town so mean!? Randall: Lets do this, then *draws an arrow* -fade to black-
Randall: Wow DM: I know Randall: That was intense DM: Tell me about it Randall: Like, this is only Beregost DM: The second town you come to Randall: We're used to fighting Bandits and Gibberlings DM: Maybe the occational Hobgoblin Randall: I remember Silke being the toughest fight on this map DM: The spiders could be hard without preperation Randall: But like, four wizards DM: It should have only been three, with one on your side Randall: It's a little bit overkill DM: It's more than do-able Randall: You're only supposed to be level 1, MAYBE 2 at this point DM: Neera should have been indestructable Randall: Thank god all of those cows fell from the sky DM: Strange occurence, it was Randall: Like, she could have summoned another Pit Fiend by accident DM: Indeed Randall: Are you going to make sure we don't all die before this gets fun? DM: Are you going to stop being such a dick to my new NPCs? Randall: Never DM: Then I make no promises
Comments
DM: Phaere wants you to kill some gnomes.
Tepp: We wimpily obey, implying as much as we can afford that we will just let Solaufein do the dirty work.
Tepp: Then we set out.
DM: Solaufein is waiting for you.
Tepp: We tell him we will gather manliness from the bottom of our souls to squash the puny gnomes.
Tepp: At least kill the leader and run off with his helm.
Tepp: Maybe just...
DM: Enough.
DM: Fine, he'll let you do it alone.
DM: If you weren't overleveling this whole chapter, there's no way I would let the drow accept your behavior for your fighting prowess.
Tepp: Okay, we explain the situation to the leader all toughguy-like.
Tepp: He gives us his helm.
DM: ...he gives you his helm.
Tepp: We hand over the helm without any blood or buckles on it to Phaere, trying our best to hide our remorse.
DM: Yeah, yeah.
DM: Phaere wants you all to meet her at her home.
DM: She explains briefly that she wants you spineless rothe to kill Solaufein. She hopes she won't have to say it twice.
Tepp: We agree most reluctantly.
Luna: Are we gonna kill him?
Tepp: Nah. She just wants his cloak.
Luna: Okay.
Tepp: We wimp it up to Solaufein and spend like ten minutes saying we really don't wanna kill him but will if we have to.
Tepp: Really rather just have his cloak.
DM: ...he can't argue your fighting skills and gives you his cloak.
Tepp: Cheers.
Tepp: Okay, no arguing now. I coat everyone with the dog stew that we never got to give the umber hulks.
DM: There are limits to how much bullshit I will tolerate, you know.
Luna: Ewww. You kept THAT?
Tepp: No arguing.
DM: ...Phaere tells you to stay as far away from her as possible and just put the cloak on the floor.
Tepp: Aww.
DM: She says to meet her at the temple. There's no time for a bath.
Tepp: We do so.
DM: The matron mother wants you to get some badass trophy from a neighboring race.
DM: Preferably together with an overdose of testosterone.
DM: Get out before she has you whipped.
Tepp: I can't shine with Horrid Wilting against the stupid kuo-toans and Waffles hates it when we kill beholders effortlessly.
Tepp: We mess with the illithid.
DM: Okay.
DM: They capture you.
Tepp: Well drat. Now we gotta kill umber hulks.
DM: Now you gotta kill umber hulks.
DM: Do as the aliens say or bigbrain gets mad.
Tepp: We kill some umber hulks.
DM: You now have some githyanki neighbors.
Tepp: Do we still have the delightful smell of rotten dog stew?
DM: *sigh* If you wish.
Tepp: I don't.
Tepp: Let's be friends with the githyanki.
DM: They're preparing for battle. No time to chat.
Tepp: Skip to them fighting and losing one guy.
DM: ...done.
Luna: Do you really need to metagame again?
Tepp: ...okay, no.
Tepp: (I think the writer is just eager to get to something in here.)
Tepp: In fact, you can do the talking for this dungeon.
Luna: Part of the decision making process again.
Luna: You too, Sendy.
Sendany: Well I usually just concur with you, but okay.
DM: The githyanki suspect that you will be fighting each other next.
Luna: That's regrettable.
DM: Their leader, Simyaz, proposes that while they combat the illithid's mental influence, you find a way out for everyone.
Luna: Sendy?
Sendany: Don't plan on taking up residence.
Luna: We agree.
DM: You kill some stupid kuo-toans. Tepp has to cast Fireball to not suck at damage.
Luna: We break out.
DM: The ogre attacks.
Luna: We fight if we have to.
DM: You have to.
DM: The ogre dies.
-the party progresses to the point that the way out is clear-
DM: The githyanki, who are typically idiot zealots, would suddenly rather escape than help you fight the Elder Brain.
DM: They do so, but you may insult them before they leave.
Luna: Pass.
-the party progresses to the Elder Brain's room-
Luna: That's what we needed, right? Blood from that brain?
Tepp: Yep.
Luna: Could we just kill it and run?
Sendany: Sounds preferable. It can do nasty things, I hear. We might not be in fighting shape after killing it.
Tepp: It hasn't really done much. It just enhances the minds of the illithid in here, and almost all are dead. Leave the brain for last.
-the party wipes out the brain's guardians-
Tepp: OKAY!
Tepp: Consistency time.
Luna: Huh?
Tepp: Don't kill the brain yet.
Tepp: This brain has like 25 int, right?
DM: If it could have more, it would.
Tepp: So it knows like, everything.
DM: If you tell it something, it won't forget it.
Tepp: And it could figure anything out?
DM: Any logical problem, yes.
Tepp: Is P=NP?
Sendany: Bahaha.
Luna: Heh.
DM: ...the brain uses its superior intelligence to answer the question?
Tepp: No no.
Tepp: I said consistency time. Some other DM didn't let some other party get away with that answer for the circus riddle.
DM: Well I am not some other DM and you are not some other party.
Tepp: Just answer that one question.
DM: If I knew the answer to a question worth a million bucks and mathematical prestige until the day I die, do you really think I'd be lord of a basement to which my mother may or may not have some legal claim???
Tepp: Wow. Yes or no.
DM: Yes.
Tepp: Prove it.
DM: You said just that one question.
Tepp: "Prove it" was not a question. It was a request.
DM: I can't.
Tepp: So the brain refuses? It's defenseless.
Sendany: Doing the cloak dance on the brain.
Sendany: Is the brain slippery?
DM: P=NP if P=0 or N=1 or N>0 and P=+-∞.
Tepp: It's not an equation.
DM: GAH.
DM: Twentyfive adamantite golems.
Tepp: Bring it.
DM: One sorcerer.
Tepp: Ohh, pick me.
DM: Colonoscopic malpractice.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: So I think we need a quest item from this here brain.
DM: On the way back to Ust Natha, the party meets Simyaz and his subjects.
DM: You are free to boast about how you wiped out the illithid without them.
Luna: In fact, even I am up for that.
Luna: Seems Horsebreath isn't the only one intent on being a wimp.
DM: They shrug it off. They care only for their Silver Blade.
DM: Which you still have.
Luna: If they can prove it's theirs, they will have it back.
DM: The mere knowledge that you have it is almost enough to incite them to attack you.
Luna: Wow, one freaking receipt is all I ask to see.
Sendany: Bahahaha!
Tepp: Only took like ten episodes for you to be lawful anal once.
Luna: I can't help that the writer likes anagrams so much, yet couldn't just make one of lawful good.
DM: The githyanki attack.
Luna: Oh, bring it. Could have earned the blade, wimps.
-the party slays the githyanki band-
DM: You return to Ust Natha.
DM: The gates are closed. Locked. Magically.
Tepp: ...this isn't supposed to happen.
Luna: Oh really? I remember what happened the last time you said that! What have you done NOW?
DM: Maybe the drow didn't buy all the wimping.
DM: Maybe they sent their own party to acquire one of the other ritual items.
DM: Maybe they got here while you harassed the freaking brain instead of just killing it.
Luna: What does this mean? Are we stuck here now?
DM: No. The ritual will proceed as planned, the drow will gain a powerful demon ally in exchange for the eggs, and Adalon will despise you.
DM: Does despise you.
DM: You are free to leave the Underdark. The jackass knows where the exit is.
DM: But until Adalon dies, or you somehow earn her forgiveness, you will look like drow.
DM: And she is not exactly waiting for you in her lair.
Sendany: Wow. I bet you could avoid fighting every single dragon in this campaign, and we manage to piss even the good one off.
Luna: You can't be serious.
Luna: WHAT KIND OF OPTIONS ARE THOSE!
Luna: KILL A GRIEVING MOTHER OR LOOK LIKE DROW UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE!
Luna: A SILVER DRAGON!
DM: Look, the jackass-
Luna: I AM TALKING TO THE JACKASS.
DM: *sits back and enjoys the show*
Luna: YOUR. FAULT.
Tepp: Hey, he just changes the story as he pleases.
Luna: Sendy. Did you get the impression that us acting like wimp drow was how the story was supposed to play out?
Sendany: ...
Sendany: No.
Luna: And while you may enjoy activities he inspires, like framing Kangaxx, do you actually enjoy ALL his little plots and schemes?
Sendany: I don't understand all of them.
Luna: That makes two of us.
DM: Sometimes three.
Luna: Because that jackass is only out to BREAK THE PLOT.
Luna: He has been ever since he nagged at the very start to have the DM let Sendy to pick the locks on our cages.
Luna: Ever since he left Imoen a fucking NOTE.
Luna: "Didn't want to wake you. Break out on your own. We'll leave the doors open. Catch you later XOXO"
Luna: How could I ever believe he gave a damn about her?
Luna: He might use his knowledge to great lengths to break the plot, and he'll gladly have his character know things it shouldn't just to accomplish that.
Luna: But he couldn't spare the breath to stop me from killing Bodhi.
Luna: I was so moved by his speech on Brynnlaw.
Luna: I was so impressed that he could find it in him to deliver the killing blow.
Luna: It's because it didn't bother him. It was his chance for a clean slate. To start breaking things again.
Luna: TO. WHAT. FUCKING. END?
Luna: Do you just THRIVE on the chaos?
Tepp: ...
Tepp: It's not hard to figure out where Adalon will be.
Luna: How will you EVER earn her forgiveness?
Tepp: ...we won't have to. She'll get herself killed trying to take revenge on the drow or Irenicus.
Luna: And you're okay with that?
Luna: Maybe you'd like to help them?
Tepp: Okay, so I may have had a very longterm plan for a little joke.
Tepp: And it may have gotten out of hand.
Luna: What is it? What is the joke?
Tepp: I didn't go through all of this to spoil it.
Luna: You said "may have had".
Tepp: Because I don't expect I need to do more.
Luna: ...
Luna: So you're done breaking the plot?
Luna: And I mean, DONE. As in, one more attempt at it and I will not have you around this table anymore.
DM: You'd forgive him so readily?
Luna: I do not forgive him. But I do not expect we can fix things without him by now.
Luna: Provided he WANTS to fix anything.
Luna: He has the knowledge. He has the creativity. And his class is bloody well more overpowered than mine at this point.
Luna: Take the amulet. You have Improved Alacrity by now, I believe.
Luna: Goof around all you like. It's funny at times. Tolerable, for most part.
Luna: But make one more move to break the plot - and I will ask that our DM calls it out long before I have to figure it out - and I will strangle you with that amulet, I will tighten it so hard around your neck that no version of Vocalize will overcome the silence.
Luna: IS. THAT. CLEAR?
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Clear.
Tepp: And keep the amulet.
Luna: So.
Luna: Where is the exit?
DM: The party arrives at the gates to the exit.
Tepp: Okay, we don't have much time. I'm sure the ritual finished before we even got here. Soon the drow will pour through here, with a lesser demon lord clearing the way for them.
Tepp: We need to get to the surface and let the elves know the worst is yet to come.
Tepp: And we need to convince them while looking like drow.
Tepp: Not sure charisma can fix this.
Tepp: *deep breath*
Tepp: Getting out at least should be trivial. Let's try to avoid combat as much as possible. Don't want to kill any surface elves, but I don't think they will assume us friendly for taking out the drow either. Betrayal is natural among the dark elves.
Tepp: Improved Invisibility. Times two.
Sendany: Hiding.
DM: You make it to the surface, where detection spells immediately reveal you.
DM: Elves swing at you furiously.
Tepp: Don't fight back.
Tepp: I need to say something no ally of Irenicus could know...
Tepp: Curses. Can't really think of anything Elhan would know that Irenicus wouldn't.
Tepp: STOP. STOP.
Tepp: Drop your weapons and submit.
DM: The elves cease their pummeling. You are all badly wounded.
DM: They tie your hands, and their general examines you.
DM: He asks what treachery is at play for you to break their line just to surrender.
Tepp: I ask that he bring his war sages.
Tepp: I swear by all my heart that we will not lie to them.
DM: He is highly suspicious, but does send for one war sage.
DM: The general interrogates you. Why have you breached the surface?
Tepp: To warn them that the drow have even more evil in store for them.
DM: Truth, the war sage confirms.
DM: Why would you tell them? Are you trying to twist the truth so that the elves will respond poorly to it?
Tepp: Because we are not drow.
Tepp: We are under an illusion to look like drow.
DM: Truth on both accounts.
DM: The general sends for his superior, Elhan, as well as another war sage.
DM: If you are not drow, then what are you?
Tepp: Assorted surfacedwellers.
DM: Elhan demands a straight answer.
Tepp: Our origins are of no consequence. The elves have very little time before an overpowering force will tear through their lines and burn this encampment to ash.
DM: The war sages confirm that you strongly believe what you say.
DM: Yet, you could simply have been made to believe it.
Tepp: Irenicus stole-
DM: Elhan demands you tell him everything you know about Irenicus.
Sendany: (I think he was kinda doing that.)
Tepp: Irenicus stole the eggs of a silver dragon and gave them to the drow. They offered them to a lesser demon lord in exchange for his services.
Tepp: Our illusion is the dragon's doing. A strategy to reclaim her eggs. We failed.
DM: Absolute truth on all accounts.
DM: (How do I manage to justify them confirming what you know only through metagaming?)
DM: Elhan says it would explain why a silver dragon has joined the fight. Or is trying to, at any rate.
Luna: Trying to?
DM: The elven city of Suldanessellar is hidden and only a certain artifact can reveal it.
DM: Within, they can only imagine what atrocities Irenicus is committing.
Luna: Where is the artifact?
DM: Its location is not the problem. But it is guarded by powerful creatures.
Luna: No time to lose. Let us at them.
DM: Despite the war sages confirming your story, Elhan does not quite trust you.
Tepp: How much harm could we do even if we were against them. Let us at the guardians. They have nothing to lose.
DM: Elhan concedes it is a fair point.
DM: If you return with the Rhynn Lanthorn, you will have gained his trust.
Tepp: So release us. And give us our weapons back.
DM: It is done.
Tepp: And evacuate the site before it is overwhelmed.
DM: Elhan will take precautions.
Tepp: And one last thing, before the war sages leave.
DM: Yes?
Tepp: P=NP.
Sendany/Luna: Hahahaha!
DM: Ha. They don't know what's true, they only know if you consider yourself to be telling the truth, jackass.
Tepp: Also, ask Elhan if he's keeping stakes and holy water around.
DM: Go get the Rhynn Lanthorn already.
Tepp: Where is it?
DM: In the Government District.
DM: The party arrives in the Government District.
Sendany: There's like no variety in your language. You could have used a pronoun.
DM: Look, I didn't actually say it, it was just a summary of like ten lines of previous decisions and consequences.
Sendany: I, it. Two pronouns. I'm proud of you.
Tepp: Nothing canon about this so don't count on me to automatically know the solution here, for the record.
Luna: Okay. Well the park in the middle seems like a good place to start.
DM: Well yeah, I needed a large open field on short notice and the jackass would probably have found a way to annoy me if I made an area up.
Tepp: Not sure why you think I'll do worse with an area I know of, but sure.
DM: You see the Rhynn Lanthorn.
DM: ...
DM: Look, let's just assume you know what it looks like.
DM: It's elevated in the air, and you have a feeling some lame plot mechanic will keep you from taking it until its guardians lie dead.
Tepp: You didn't really think this through, did you?
Sendany: Lanneth quote!!!! What do I win?
Sendany: Or is it "really didn't"...
DM: I thought the choice of guardians through. Because karma is a bitch.
DM: The Shadow Dragon is here. Add one wyrm.
Sendany: Adalon?
Tepp: Firkraag, titwit.
Tepp: That's it?
DM: Feel free to have some of Firkraag's minions.
DM: Like a lot of them.
DM: How about all. Times three.
Sendany: And the guards are okay with this.
DM: None of these creatures bother anyone so long as the artifact is left in peace.
Tepp: It's that RPG law where you can cram pretty much any combination of monsters into an area, and they will immediately form a tacit agreement to not fight each other, only PC's.
Luna: I thought I taught you something about tacit agreements.
Tepp: Good point.
Tepp: Um, about the times three thing. Did the golems breed or something?
DM: Fine, not three times the golems. But the vampires and the werewolves. Wolfweres.
Tepp: Alright. Well, I do have some things to say before we begin.
Tepp: The Shadow Dragon has a name too, you know.
DM: I'm not gonna pronounce that.
Tepp: Just letting you know you are being sexist again. Because it's a she. Anyway.
Tepp: Why should the Shadow Dragon be angry with us? She didn't hear what we planned. For all she knows, we killed her master, broke the wardstone without using it to like put five traps around her unchallenged, and got her a lot of gold and entertainment through the construction workers.
DM: Guarding the artifact allows her to cause suffering. That is all the reason she needs.
Sendany: That's my kind of woman...
Tepp: Right, right.
Tepp: Furthermore, I imagine if we were to hypothetically not have mugged Firkraag but done things by the book, and then questioned him about what he knows about Irenicus, he might have said he would have, I quote, no dealings with that creature.
Tepp: Just a hunch.
DM: It's funny how an attempt on your life can throw your priorities around, yeah?
DM: Are you gonna argue about the minions or can we go?
Tepp: Also, I would like to have Kangaxx on our team.
Sendany: Kangaxx!
DM: He can't get out without his body. And bloody fat chance that will ever happen now.
Tepp: We agreed he killed twelve people.
Tepp: Either you agree with my logic here or I will harass you to summon endless enforcement parties to swing futilely at his skull.
DM: Let's hear the logic.
Tepp: Well let's just say someone found him. Maybe an orange ogre. And managed to get that easy leg for him. And one body part was enough for him to get out of the sarcophagus.
DM: Okay. Kangaxx is now here.
Sendany: Aww!
DM: You have a golden skull at the top of a golden leg. Hopping around.
Tepp: He has Lilarcor in his mouth too.
DM: Sure, not like he can speak anyway.
Tepp: He so can speak! He could speak when he was only a skull. He doesn't need lungs. He can talk to Lilarcor all day.
DM: Right, right. I am sure Kangaxx will make a huge difference here. Why should he be on your side? He hates you.
Tepp: He does, but ol' Kangy is a reasonable fellow.
Sendany: Kangy, very fitting now that he's hopping around like a kangaroo. This must be his intended fate.
Tepp: Kangy let us extort him for the ring. He was rational about it. He isn't going to join the horde of monsters trying to kill the only people who know where the rest of his body is.
DM: He bloody well would if he knew how hopeless it would be for him to get them now.
Tepp: Not arguing that.
DM: Okay, congratulations. You have acquired a one-thirdilich without any ability to cast spells-
Sendany: You said he could speak.
DM: Somatic component. Look it up.
DM: No ability to cast spells, terrible movement rate, one attack per round for 1d2 damage at 35 THAC0. If anyone at all attacks him, there's a 40% chance he'll drop the sword, a 40% chance he'll fall over, and a 10% chance the skull and the leg are disjoined. He cannot recover from any of these ailments on his own.
Sendany: Factor in the fear immunity and he's still more useful than Khalid though.
Tepp: Disjoining the body parts would mean destroying the one-thirdilich and creating a demi-one-thirdilich or a one-sixthilich. It should be three times as powerful as a demilich.
DM: ...
DM: He will not become a demilich unless his full body is reassembled and THEN destroyed.
DM: Also, if he did become a demilich, he wouldn't be on your team anymore.
Tepp: But the one-sixthilich should still be twice as powerful as the one-thirdilich.
Luna: Yeah twice as powerful as the Lilarkangaroo. Jump for joy.
DM: Yeah I'm gonna be really generous. The Demililarkangaroo can float around at will and attack with the sword once per round at 20 THAC0 for 1d2+2 damage. It has improved movement speed and is like immune to everything now.
DM: If you manage to keep the whole throng of monsters here for a year, Kangaxx will kill everything eligible to be hit by Lilarcor that doesn't have innate regeneration.
DM: But you might not have a year.
Tepp: Also, there should be a 20% chance each round for either form of the Lilarkangaroo to be futilely attacked by an enforcement party.
DM: Oh goodness FINE. Can we start fighting now?
Tepp: Don't be so impatient. We needed our mascot.
Tepp: By the way, how long did the journey take?
DM: 10 hours, why?
Tepp: Then it's day.
Tepp: Bye every undead creature in Firkraag's army.
DM: Are you gonna roll some dice now?
Tepp: We cast some defensive spells and send Kangaxx forward, hoping to trigger his transformation.
DM: Kangaxx does not answer to you just because he's on your team.
Tepp: I believe he has a fair deal of int so he should be able to figure out he's only useful to us as a tank.
DM: Okay, I am not gonna spend another paragraph arguing Kangaxx. He hops valiantly into battle.
DM: The dragons haste themselves.
Tepp: City.
DM: ...they bought licenses.
Tepp: Bloody DRAGONS bought licenses??
DM: Can't have eluded you that Firkraag has a human form.
Tepp: Like he'd pay the wizards anything. The only thing he does with wizards is roast them with his breath. Especially Conster.
DM: Okay fine, wizards teleport in and reprimand the dragons.
DM: But it was the dragons' first offense, so it won't help you.
DM: Speaking of which, YOU haven't bought a license still.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: Okay Drizzt, you can come out now, this really isn't working out well.
DM: Drizzt's band and Kangaxx do their best to hold the line.
Luna: I heal them.
Tepp: Sendy, we need that Kangaxx transformation. Help him recover from the other crap until it happens.
Sendany: Seriously, that's what I'm gonna be doing?
Tepp: Get used to it, there's no one worth backstabbing that isn't immune to it. You can cram an area with traps later if you can sneak out.
Tepp: Let me handle this enforcement party now.
Tepp: My Horrid Wiltings vaporize wizards and dragonminions alike.
DM: The dragons arrive at the frontline.
Tepp: Scatter as much as we can afford or one breath attack will spell out TPK.
Tepp: I add a planetar to the frontline.
Luna: Can you add it to the clericline instead? Someone's gonna die soon.
Tepp: Okay, the planetar heals a lot and stuff.
Tepp: Can we keep the line stable now?
Luna: I have a feeling it's gonna be just Drizzt and Kangaxx sooner or later, but yeah for now.
Tepp: Sendy, do you still have that Wand of Cloudkill?
Luna: I thought that's what we call your tongue, Horsebreath.
DM: I veto you spamming the monstercrowd with cloudkills.
Tepp: Well how graceful of you.
Tepp: I empty my level 8 reserve as Horrid Wiltings.
DM: Kangaxx has attracted an enforcement party.
DM: A breath attack hits them. The survivors are hostile to everyone.
DM: Due to flagrant collateral damage, there is now nothing alive among the guardians that isn't magic resistant or immune.
Tepp: So the dragons and the golems.
DM: The wolfweres were unlucky on their rolls too. They're dead.
Luna: Wanna mention our frontline too? Like I said, soon it's only Drizzt and Kangaxx. Three of the band are on the brink of death.
DM: Kangaxx transforms.
Sendany: #contributing
Tepp: Okay, have the Demililarkangaroo try to attract as much attention as possible.
Tepp: Sendy, go cram an area with traps.
Luna: I'm really empty here and even Drizzt can't handle all this.
Tepp: Okay, the planetar goes on the frontline now. Hand out whatever potions we have to Drizzt and his band.
Luna: The planetar won't live long enough for that to be meaningful.
Tepp: I'm not gonna use my level 9 slots for anything else anyway.
Luna: Could have summoned a new one with more heals then.
Tepp: Well the bloody planetars heal a lot faster when you don't actually tell them to, so watch these next ones tank for a long time.
DM: Drizzt's band is in acceptable fighting shape and rejoins the frontline.
DM: The golems' numbers are thinning out, but the dragons are at full strength.
DM: You are out of planetars.
Tepp: But not out of Mordenkainen's Swords.
DM: Firkraag casts-
Tepp: No, he does NOT know Death Spell.
DM: Does too.
Tepp: Second offense.
DM: You've cast so many spells that your next offense would be like your 50th.
Tepp: Yeah I'm sure you've let Firkraag refresh his Stoneskin a number of times without even mentioning it too.
Tepp: Anyway it's not about number of offenses but time since the previous.
DM: And it's not been a whole hour by any means.
Tepp: Sigh.
Tepp: Well Firky, let's see how many memos you have of that Death Spell.
Tepp: Also, we try to steer the battle towards the trapfest.
Luna: I guess I am fighting instead of casting terrible spells.
Tepp: Go ahead.
DM: The dragons will not follow you to the traps.
DM: Distancing yourself from the wyrms will only cause them to use more breath attacks.
Sendany: Leave this to me.
Sendany: I've been waiting a LONG time for this.
Sendany: I. Insult. Firkraag's. Accent.
DM: ...
DM: Fine, you taunted him.
Sendany: Go me.
DM: Firkraag is terribly injured by the traps, but only Sendany is near him and short of a shocking blow he can't damage Firkraag through the Stoneskin.
Sendany: To hope for a natural 20...
Tepp: Just keep him busy, we're actually mopping things up over here.
Sendany: Fine. Evasion.
DM: The golems are dead.
Tepp: Breach, like a lot. On the Shadow Dragon.
DM: Drizzt's band is once again critically injured, but they manage to bring down the dragon.
DM: Drizzt naturally causes the killing blow so you get no experience.
DM: Firkraag will not stay and die. Sendany's taunts can't keep him in the battle.
DM: He takes off.
Luna: Oh come on, that's just lame.
Luna: I bet you're gonna say we can't take the artifact now 'cause one guardian is still alive, yet out of our reach.
DM: You bet right.
Luna: This is just bad DM'ing.
DM: I'm doing freaking excellent DM'ing allowing you to recover from this mess.
DM: But you know, the best challenges I can give you are those to which I do not have a predetermined solution.
DM: Just look, those two already have a plan.
Tepp: Alright, grab Kangy. Hold him still. Aim him. Keep still Kangy. Aim him, Sendy. We'll only get one shot at bringing down Firkraag. Aim Kangy well with that 18 dexterity that should have been 19.
Tepp: Right, here goes.
Sendany: *sniff*
Sendany: He's had so much training for this. He's all grown up now. I hope we taught him well.
Tepp: Word.
Tepp: I use my Ring of the Ram on the back of Kangaxx' skull.
Sendany: One.
Sendany: Two.
Sendany/Tepp: COLONOSCOPIC! MAAAAAALPRAAAAAAAACTIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!
Luna: ...
Luna: That just became our fucking warcry, didn't it.
DM: But in the vicinity, you encounter Elhan and a few of his men.
DM: They were close to attacking you, but they remembered Sendany's unusual combination of sporting a katana while having Spell Turning at his feet.
Sendany: Mom always said I'm special.
Tepp: Show them the artifact.
DM: Elhan says it's not a minute too late. The demon was able to enter the city using its own dark powers, and even have the drow follow it.
DM: He fears the city is lost.
Tepp: Let's just go find out, shall we?
DM: Elhan leads you to the entrance.
Tepp: And on the way, Kangaxx catches up.
DM: Really.
Tepp: Wow, have some pity. He has been doing some hardcore floating to catch up with us.
Tepp: Had to leave Lilarcor behind.
Sendany: So somewhere in Athkatla there's a decaying red dragon corpse with a speaking hindside.
Sendany: Tourist attraction of the year.
Tepp: I think Lilarcor was a bad influence on Kangy. It's no wonder he became a criminal with that sword always encouraging violence.
Luna: Yeah, it was all the sword's fault.
Tepp: Yeah anyway, he left his leg in the sarcophagus and now he's with us. Or else.
Luna: He had a bath inbetween. Or even more else.
DM: What use is Kangaxx going to be. I'm not gonna let monsters swing at him futilely again.
Tepp: No, he's gonna be a threat now.
Tepp: Waffles, give him the Silver Blade.
DM: No vorpal hits.
Tepp: Yes vorpal hits.
DM: Okay, fine. But his THAC0 remains 20 and he still only gets one attack per round. So he attacks rarely and almost never hits because these endgame monsters have awesome AC. And on the occasion that he does hit, for these glorious 1d2+3 damage points, there's but a 25% chance of a vorpal hit, which still allows a saving throw.
DM: Do the maths.
Tepp: This is what you use Elder Brains for.
DM: The point is, he will still suck, even with vorpal hits.
Tepp: Suck? Poor Kangy is trying his best. It's not easy being a disembodied skull.
Tepp: Also, he had 20 THAC0 already with Lilarcor, which had a clunky hilt he had to impractically chew down on. The Silver Blade is just a blade - easy to keep between his teeth.
Tepp: Plus, he has been doing this for a while now. He should have some proficiency.
DM: What, Tooth-Handed Weapon Style? He will not be made a combat asset again, forget it.
Tepp: ...
DM: If you ask nicely, I'll say the Silver Blade is a +4 weapon when wielded by him, so he can be your bodyguard against adamantite golems.
Tepp: (What a noob, +3 was already enough.)
Tepp: I'll take that. He stays with us.
DM: Apparently so.
DM: The entrance looks like a battlefield, yet Elhan says he left no troops there.
Luna: Adalon.
DM: Indeed. She has been attacking the drow at every given opportunity, but the demon was too much for her. She is injured.
DM: She does not attack you.
Luna: We give her our sincerest condolences.
DM: She does not believe you. She told you to act like drow. You didn't act one bit like drow.
Luna: What, is she metagaming too now?
Tepp: Nah, she has some stupid imp telling her what we do.
Tepp: Just tell her we had our reasons.
DM: She does not buy that, but both the demon and Irenicus are more important for her to kill than you are. So consider her an ally.
Luna: Will she lift the illusion?
DM: She says the city is overrun. The illusion will help you infiltrate it. There are likely no elves left to think you the enemy.
DM: You will give her the artifact. She will let any elven reinforcements through and stop all drow.
Luna: Should we?
Tepp: Let Elhan use it to let us in first.
Luna: Yeah, that.
DM: You enter a ravaged city. It looks to be completely in the hands of Irenicus and his minions.
Tepp: How does Kangaxx feel about this?
DM: *sigh* Kangaxx is indifferent.
Tepp: Don't be like that. He's like had no one to talk to, and then only a psychopath sword. I care about his feelings.
DM: He feels you should give him his body back.
Tepp: Now now, I know he feels a little incomplete, but Aerie is a crybaby about her wings too for a while. She gets over it. So will he. With my support.
DM: Are you trying to romance Kangaxx??
Tepp: Who are you to judge our love.
DM: There's no MUTUAL love between you. Just like Aerie wouldn't possibly romance the slavers who caged her.
Tepp: It's not my fault this happened to him. It was those other two liches that destroyed and dismembered him.
Tepp: We just had some difficulties putting him back together. Like an IKEA piece of furniture without an Allen wrench.
DM: ...
Tepp: Now, I'll have you know I have extensive experience romancing Aerie. I will consider every word Kangaxx says and think long and hard before giving a carefully phrased answer.
DM: Kangaxx says-
Tepp: 22222222222222222222222222222222222.
Tepp: Is the lovetalk over?
DM: ...
DM: You yourself acknowledged that Kangaxx is only with you because you know where his bodyparts are.
Tepp: Ah-ah-ah! But I did not acknowledge that we put them anywhere. Only that we know where they are.
Luna: The bullshit topic aside, I'm proud of your lawful analness.
Tepp: Next lovetalk, please. It's bloody horrible design to have the romance start in chapter 7.
DM: There is no romance you moron.
Sendany: You are oppressing Tepp's têterosexuality.
DM: His what?
Sendany: Tête is French for head.
Luna: You speak French?
Sendany: Oui.
Luna: Aww, it's such a romantic language.
Tepp: Coming from the woman who says sensitive men are a turnoff.
Luna: Coming from the man who says women change their minds.
Tepp: Well I don't care. Kangaxx loves me for who I am.
DM: No he doesn't.
Tepp: He will.
DM: Elhan would normally send a whooping three mages off on their own into the city, protected by extremely low level spells, but because of the demon he now only has two.
Tepp: Truly we are screwed.
DM: Now you need to spend an awful lot of inventory space on accessing the Tree of Life so you can fight Irenicus.
DM: And you're gonna be annoyed trying to remember who got what and where they put it.
Tepp: Best that someone has their first five inventory slots available to save us some headache.
Sendany: I'll do it. Just need to free one slot up. Here, Luna.
Luna: What is it?
Sendany: Chocolate. From that shop near the Government District. We were just there but no one thought of it.
Sendany: (Stolen.)
Luna: (...)
Luna: (Merci.)
Sendany: (De rien.)
Tepp: So now Waffles can also whisper everyone. P=NP can get bent, there's no greater logical problem than explaining our seating.
Luna: You started that problem, not I.
DM: You need some goblet that some dragon has.
Sendany: Can we just attack the guy to begin with. Dragons and us don't mix.
Tepp: Not so fast.
Tepp: I wanna hear the DM say his name.
DM: Not gonna happen.
Tepp: Yawn. Planetar. Don't bother swinging at him guys, the insects will just waste our potions if you do.
DM: Yeah yeah. Grats, the goblet is yours.
DM: You need some stupid sword.
DM: You arrive just in time to see its guardian get owned by a demon.
DM: Your wounds are many, elf, the demon gloats. I probably inflicted them on you myself and then walked 15 meters away from you so I could admire my work.
DM: Feel free to seize the opportunity to take me with you in a martyr's death.
DM: The elf invokes the Moonblade's power, sacrificing himself to kill the demon.
DM: The sword is yours.
DM: You need some amulet and all you need to do is press buttons in the right order and the jackass will metagame it so I'm just gonna give you the amulet.
DM: And the stone instruments aren't even exciting.
DM: You enter the Temple of Rillifane.
DM: A lot of meanies have gathered here to prevent you from performing the ritual.
DM: Among them, an adamantite golem.
Tepp: Kangaxx GO!!!
Tepp: Oh, also, this fight is not exciting, just put the stuff on the altar Sendy. And it's over.
Sendany: That sounds like something I could pull off.
Sendany: Done.
DM: The golem kicked Kangaxx once before you could do that.
Tepp: So? It can't kill him. No +4 or greater fists. Or feet, as it were.
DM: It kicked the Silver Blade straight through the back of his head.
Tepp: ...
Tepp: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Tepp: YOU TRICKED ME WITH THAT +4 OFFER JUST SO THE SILVER BLADE COULD HARM HIM!
DM: Yeah, shame on me for fucking around with you for once.
Tepp: It didn't happen. Kangaxx bit down hard on the blade.
DM: Please, what kind of jaw strength do you think he has?
DM: Kangaxx is dead.
Tepp: Kangaxx...
Tepp: Try to resurrect him, and if we can't, there will be a funeral, and then we will avenge-
Luna: We will avenge Imoen.
DM: What she said.
DM: You drag any nonsense into that battle and I will have Adalon join the enemy team.
DM: The path is open.
The next episode is the last, and there will be a final showdown both in Suldanessellar and around the table. A lot of Tepp's unexplained idiocy will hopefully make sense.
Also, just for shits and giggles, vote AGREE on this post if you feel sorry for Kangaxx lol.
I'm sad to hear you'll be wrapping yours up without getting into TOB, but I know where you're coming from. I spend three times as much time re-reading for (and still missing) spelling and grammar errors as I do thinking about what the hell they're going to do next. It's not as easy as I remember it being.
Your characters are awesome! There's so much I can't do with Kangaxx now I wish I could...
Alora: I know
Tush: You've moved up the list
Alora: Charmed
Tush: When I get this belt off, I swear I'm going to...
DM: SISTER!
Tush: ... I can't believe you would have let him do it.
Alora: Oh, we haven't even started yet
DM: As you approach the Friendly Arm Inn, you bask at its wonder!
Randall: I've seen it before
DM: You don't understand, it's like, really big!
Randall: It's not that big
DM: There's a drawbridge and everything!
Randall: ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO MAKE ME SIT THROUGH THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN CUTSCENE!
DM: ... Five more seconds. Did I mention the walls?
DM: As you walk into the courtyard of the Inn, you see a Temple in front of you. You should probably take Flower there...
Flower: NO TEMPLES!
Alora: Seriously?
Flower: Get me a bed!
Tush: Even you have to admit that you need a priest!
Ducky: I've never seen anyone turn into a puppy before, I'd remember that. I love puppies!
Flower: I'm fine! Look, turning into that thing healed my wounds!
Alora: The potion of healing we shoved down your throat probably helped
Flower: No! That's probably the reason why I'm still hurt right now! Next time you try and drown me, make sure I'm awake!
Tush: I was already planning on it...
DM: The stairs leading to the front gate of the main keep are right beside the entrance of the Temple, which are you going to take?
Flower: NO TEMPLES!
Alora: No temples then! I'll throw you in the cheapest closet they have and let you lick your own wounds better! Like the mangey bitch you are!
*stunned looks*
Alora: Too soon?
DM: As you walk up the stairs you're approached by a strange man named Tarnesh
Randall: *nasty stare*
Tarnesh: Hi there friends, might you be the party of Alora?
Randall: No
Tarnesh: But I'm sure you are
Randall: Not us
Tarnesh: I was told that the members of her party...
Randall: Look, not us, asshole.
Tarnesh: One petite black hair lady name Alora
Alora: You think I'm petite!?
Tarnesh: One mangey hippy bitch named something god awful
Flower: I'll have you know these dreadlocks are NOT because i'm a hippy!
Tarnesh: One shady ruffian named Rapist of Crows, who has some signs of developing throat cancer
Randall : [you said my Batman voice was awesome]
Tarnesh: [Once! I said it once! After we watched the movie! It was in context then!]
Tarnesh: I'll admit my description was not entirely accurate on the remainder of your party. I was not told there would be one so beautiful amongst you!
Tush: *draws short sword*
Tarnesh: And the big dumb barbarian one should have a mighty blade, not some butter knife
Ducky: I...
Randall: DON'T SAY ANYTHING! We're not the ones you're looking for, now FUCK OFF!
DM: The letter courier arrives
DM: MAIL CALL! MAIL CALL! IS THERE ANYONE NAMED DUCKY HERE!
Ducky: I'M DUCKY!
DM: Parcel for you, sir. Sign here. *hands Ducky a note*
Ducky: It's from my Mom! 'Dear Ducky!' That's me! 'I got your letter! I hope you and Susan are happy together on your first big adventure. I heard you left with your friend Alora and some of the other boys from the Keep. Good luck! PS: Since you said you were going to remember that your friend killed an Ogre and her babies, I made you a cake! Enjoy!
Rndall: Well shit...
DM: Tarnesh cast Horror to begin the battle *rolls dice* Everyone fails except Ducky, who is immune to Fear-based effects
Ducky: Why's everyone running around all of a sudden?
Alora: Ducky! Kill this bastard for me, would you?
Ducky: Just a second. Oh god... It's got candles!
Alora: Ducky! He's trying to hurt us! Attack him!
DM: Tarnesh casts Mirror Image
Ducky: Ummm... which one?
Tush: Just hit all of them until he dies!
Ducky: Ok. *draws dagger* I attack
DM: *rolls dice* You hack and slash away at two of the images, which disappear as you make contact. Three more remain. Tarnesh begins to cast Magic Missile
DM: *hands Ducky a note*
Ducky: I swing for the middle one
DM: ... Fuck, why doesn't anyone ever think of that the first time?
Ducky: Do I hit!
DM: *rolls* You hit him and stick your dagger into his chest. *rolls* He manages to finish casting his spell. *rolls 3 dice* He hits you with a fully powered salvo of Magic Missiles. You take 18 points of damage!
Alora: SHIT!
Flower: DUCKY!
DM: Tarnesh and Ducky fall to their backs on the steps. The fear spell is broken
Flower: I run up the steps
Alora: Me too
Flower: I try to heal Ducky. Please don't be dead!
Alora: I loot Tarnesh's corpse. Please don't be empty!
DM: As you begin to touch Ducky, he rolls over
Ducky: Hi pretty lady
Randall: Wait, how'd he survive that? He's only level 1!?
DM: He must have leveled up after defeating that Werewolf
Alora: Hey! I blinded it! Where's my xp!
Ducky: I'm not feeling too good. Can we go to the temple, now? Please, pretty lady?
Flower: Ok, We'll go. I'm just glad you're alive.
DM: The guards stand around shocked by the fight which began and ended so quickly due to your presence. You help carry Ducky down the steps towards the door of the Temple.
Ducky: It's not a butterknife, bitch.
Also this makes me wish I could code. I would make a DM sim game where all you do is choose options to avoid having your session mess up. Your goal is to keep the players from quitting while maintaining story coherency, not an easy task. Option D will always be "Rocks fall". The only visual through the whole thing is a DM screen.
Flower: *groan*
DM: As you enter the TEMPLE OF WISDOM, you're greeted by Gellana Mirrorshade, the local priest.
Gellana: What ails you?
Tush: Don't get me fucking started...
Ducky: I don't feel so good, doc
Gellana: I can sense the taint on the you. On the both of you! When were you bitten!
Ducky: She bit me last night
Flower: I said I was really sorry about that
Ducky: And I said I was really sorry about stabbing you. I thought you were a puppy, which made me sad. Then I saw it was you, which made me happy, then sad again.
Gellana: So you've spread the curse to another and now bring your filth into this holy temple! Be gone with you, Wolf-Bitch! I'll have no part of you!
Flower: THE NERVE! *storms out of the Temple* THIS PLACE IS AN....
DM: [You wanted that, admit it]
Flower [If you want a war I'll give you a war]
Gellana: I am capable of removing this vile curse from him
Alora: Are you waiting for something?
Gellana: Payment
Alora: THE NERVE! *storms out of the Temple* THIS PLACE IS AN....
Randall: Here's the deal. I give you this diamond, and in exchange, you heal the Paladin, empty your coin purse, and give me six potions of Mirrored Eyes
DM: NO!
Randall: Fine, six potions of healing.
Gellana: Two potions, no more.
Tush: HEY! What about me! I need this belt removed!
Gellana: You do not wish to be a woman?
Tush: NO!
Gellana: How has this fate befallen you?
Randall: He deserved it
Tush: You tricked me!
Gellana: Everyone's path leads them towards their destiny, in time. You were meant to learn something from this experience. I will not help you until you have become more than what you are now.
Tush: ...
Gellana: Now go, I have much work to do.
Tush: You're an asshole
DM: I know.
DM: As everyone leaves the room, the priest returns to her desk and begins appraising the diamond.
Gellana: Don't worry, big boy. You'll be fine. All you need is a big cup of hot weed soup and it'll be gone in no time. I throw in some chicken broth for extra flavour. *snicker* suckers.
DM: Several days have passed while everyone recovered from their wounds. What are you guys up to?
Tush: Since everyone seems to enjoy talking to me now, I think I'll go muck about the Inn and see what I can loot.
Alora: I've been avoiding Aunt Jaheria and Uncle Kahlid successfully this whole time?
DM: Except for that one close encounter in the privy, yes. You've managed to avoid them
Alora: I'll roast them both alive if they ever pinch my cheeks again
Randall: I'll join Tush. Keep an eye on her... you know.
Ducky: Me too!
Tush: You know I'm going to go stealing things, right?
Ducky: My poppa said I have to try and keep you out of trouble. That was hard even before when the boys didn't always looks at you.
Tush: I always wondered why you were so terrible at your job. It's because you're such an excellent bodyguard! Watch my back!
Randall: Can do
Tush: FUCK OFF!
DM: As you wander around, you're asked of some various tasks. Agreeing to clean a house of a mild spider problem netted you a handful of Antidotes!
Ducky: Our first noble quest!
Tush: Alora will be glad we got some payment up front for once. What else?
DM: As you move onto the next floor, a nobleman mistakes you for a servant.
Nobleman: You there! Wench! Take these soiled breeches to the laundry! Be snappy about it!
Tush: I'M NOT A.... is that gold?
DM: Indeed
Tush: Right away, sir! Back in a jiffy!
Ducky: That was so nice of you! Helping out that nice man! Being good feels good, doesn't it?
Tush: Sure. We'll wash these right away, then we'll return them tomorrow
Ducky: Ok! You should write a note so you don't forget! I'm not very good at remembering things.
Tush: I know, Ducky. I'm counting on it.
Randall: Come on, lets get on with this.
DM: Not yet, there's still one more quest to pick up. A woman named Ushnay approaches you.
Ushnay: You there, might you help me? I was attacked by this monsterous Ogre not a few days back. He pillaged my trade caravan and he stole my belt. Barely made it out alive. Hey, wait a second, that's my belt!
Randall: What? This thing?
Ushnay: That's it! That's my belt! Where'd you get it from? Was it off a powerful Ogre?
Randall: I don't know what you're talking about
Ushnay: You must have! It was a gargantuan thing!
Ducky: I'm sorry, but he took it off a lady
Tush: That's right, it couldn't have been something so large and ferocious
Randall: ... You heard the Paladin, they can't lie.
One problem is I simply don't enjoy ToB nearly as much as I enjoy SoA. Since I bought EE I have probably run a dozen charnames through SoA but the farthest into ToB any of them has gotten is killing Gromnir. One major reason for this is I like to solo or run small parties and the experience cap just discourages me.
I have like TWO jokes I could make about ToB. I'm just not as keenly familiar with it as I am with SoA.
Another problem is there's a certain theme I've been keeping through the SoA campaign which explains much of Tepp's stupid behavior (especially acting like wimp drow) which I would have to ruin for ToB. You'll see it in the last episode if you haven't caught it.
Besides, I've done a huge chunk of SoA now and probably exploited many obvious jokes as far as the main storyline goes. And you're doing BG1. What if there's another aspiring writer here? They can do ToB
Sorry to anyone who saw my name and expected the final episode. It shan't be up until 5 hours from now at the earliest and very likely not even then. I want to have a rather serious final battle and not just joke away the grand quest, but I haven't once done serious battle in this entire story, just assumed the party won or fled. The Firkraag fight was half-serious only. Don't wanna just have some endless listing of spells cast by opposing sides either, and I'm obviously not gonna allow some cheesy victory through say traps.
Fun fact: If you google for "colonoscopic malpractice" (WITH the quotation marks), you'll only find posts from this thread
Progress: I've now written like everything I want in the final post, including bonus content and table drama, but still not the final battle.
I can imagine someone, somewhere, who's really sore, desperatly searching through Google to find a lawyer that specialized in "colonoscopic malpractice". Welcome to the Baldur's Gate Forums, my streched-out friend!
In addition Irenicus, who only moments before you battled in Suldanessellar, is nowhere to be seen.
Paladin (Bhaalspawn): Very well I move into this large room. Let us face whatever evil may reside there and be rid of this cursed place.
Bard: Sure...you just go on ahead. I'll stay back and guard over here.
Cleric: Clearly you've forgotten that pit fiend we dealt with in the Underdark. You know the one that came out of that otherwise large empty looking pit.
Bard: Hmm...good point. On second though I'll stay behind the Paladin.
(the rest of the party agrees to enter the large room).
DM: As you enter this large room the first thing that catches your eye is the three figures in its centre. They are arranged such a way that all three are holding up this strange orb. Around the room there are other strange statues and decorations that give you a sense of foreboding fear. I'll allow your bard to make a lore check regarding these surroundings.
Bard: *Rolls 8*
DM: Perhaps you spent too much time gambling or womanizing. You certainly haven't been reading. You do recall reading prior texts about the nine hells and the old gods and from what you recall of that something about where you are seems familiar. But only vaguely so.
I'll allow your other party members to make rolls based on their own knowledge and intuition to see what they are able to infer from their surroundings.
Paladin: *Rolls 17*
DM: You immediately sensed it upon arriving here but now you are certainly clear. This place is evil in every measurable sense. As you walked into the room you noticed a gigantic doorway. As you stare at it you notice what appears to be 5 of the eyes you saw before spaced out evenly around the door. Each has a small slot in their centre and each seems to follow your group as it moves. Presumably unless at least some of these slots are filled this door won't open. However, given your surroundings you suspect that the objects required to open this door will not come into your possession easily.
Mage: *Rolls 14*
DM: You sense old magic at work here. With the exception of perhaps your experiences with failed temples of Amaunator you have not seen magic this old before. As to its origins or purpose you are unsure, though you suspect that this door is as likely to be keeping something out than keeping you here.
Druid: *Rolls 16*
DM: For whatever reason you have retained your powers despite feeling no connection to your grove. You can tell that nothing in this place is natural. You are also quite certain that if this place is a godly creation it is not a creation of one of the nature deities.
Cleric: *Rolls 3*
Bard: Ohh come on...this was like your one chance to be useful and you blew it!
Cleric: Hey man don't blame me. Its the dice!
DM: You are frozen in fear from our surroundings. All you know is that this place is immeasurably evil. You Besides that you have no clues to offer the group.
Fighter: *Rolls 20*
Bard: Ohh of course he rolls the natural 20!
Fighter: What can I say? I'm just that good!
DM: For a moment it seems as though you are more focused than ever. You scan the area thoroughly but come up largely empty handed. Apart from something really funky going on down here you have no clue what all these statues are about. As for the door, well, you figure its probably too thick for your sword to smash through.
(the party agrees to share their discoveries with each other).
Bard: So I don't suppose I could use Knock on the door?
DM: You could try but you figure its unlikely to work.
Bard: I cast Knock on the door.
Wizard: What a waste.
Bard: Ohh and you had something better in mind? Come to think of it what have you done during our last few adventures. It almost was like you were barely there!
Wizard: Hey I've done lots of important things. You've just been too busy talking and not done enough watching!
Bard: Ohh yea sure. You are just as useful as the cleric!
Cleric: Hey don't drag me into this!
DM: The spell fails however your close proximity to the door and a better view of the room has allowed you to gain further insights. There are 5 passageways leaving this room. Presumably each passageway holds a key or object needed to open this door.
(after much bickering the group decides to go down the passageway that is directly opposite from the door)
DM: Your group enters a new area. This place is has walls that are coloured in sort of a dark green colour and rocks appear to play a prominent role in its design. As you enter the room a demon appears. He presents himself as Selfishness and describes to you the circumstances that you now find yourself. You are in Bhaal's realm he explains, or at least what is left of it, and both Irenicus and you have been brought here. Neither you or he is alive or dead apparently, much to the amusement of this demon. The demon also explains that you need to complete tests to gain the Tears of Bhaal needed to go on to claim your soul back from Irenicus. He explains that he himself is in possession of one and will give it provided you go through his test.
Suddenly the groups fighter is held motionless. The demon explains to save him the paladin must be willing to make a sacrifice. Go to the left and make a number of personal sacrifices and the fighter lives. Go to the right and the fighter dies. Suddenly he teleports away with the fighter. You can sense that he is still nearby though all you have in front of you are a two different doors.
Bard: Pff...he's just a fighter. We can probably find another one when we get out of here. I say we let him die and then get out of here!
DM: I'm just going to point out that there are personal ramifications in these tests. Any evil action taken during them could result in a character permanently becoming evil.
Bard: Wait...what?
Paladin: That is pretty ridiculous dude.
DM: As a child of Bhaal these tests are demonstrative of your personal soul. How you respond to them is a much greater reflection of your own alignment than anything you have done previously.
Paladin: Well, I guess it doesn't really matter at least for now. Looks like I'm taking a door to the left.
DM: You enter the door and a bolt of what looks like lightning zaps you. You've permanently lost 2 health.
Paladin: HA thats it. Well onto the next one.
DM You enter the door. Suddenly you feel a sharp pain. Recovering from it you notice yourself to be a lot less nimble than you used to be. You've lost 1 dexterity permanently.
Paladin: Ugh. I'm all for helping people but couldn't it have been a useless stat? like wisdom?
Bard: Yea its not like you were ever going to use it to begin with!
DM: You sense the demon is near. In all likelihood this is the final door of the test.
Paladin: I open the door.
DM: Nothing happens. This seems odd to you. After discussing with your group what just happened you begin to realize you have lost experience. Battles you previously fought you have no idea how you won. Thankfully however your level doesn't appear to have been affected.
DM (Demon): Ha the innocent lives. A selfless act if there ever was one! The Tear of Bhaal is yours Bhaalspawn.
DM: With that the demon disappears. The fighter regains his composure and joins the rest of the group. The paladin opens up his pack and notices the inclusion of a small tear shaped gem.
(With that the party leaves the area and returns to the large room)
Paladin: I place the tear in the appropriate slot.
DM: Suddenly one of the eyes quickly seals shut. Whatever you did seems to have worked. Passing the test has also granted you a bonus of 10% innate magical resistance.
Paladin: Sweet.
DM: Indeed. You have come a bit closer to finding Irenicus and freeing yourself from this place.
DM: The tree is not merely dying. It is being corrupted.
Tepp: The demon lord...
Tepp: Hmm. Nevertheless, our target is Irenicus.
DM: Neither of them can be seen in the immediate vicinity.
Luna: What else is there to do but explore?
DM: Your first discovery is Adalon. No better for the wear since the last time you saw her.
DM: She explains that while Irenicus is sapping the tree of power, the demon lord is helping the drow twist it into a perverted monument to Lolth.
Tepp: And those goals are compatible?
DM: No, but they seem content to share.
Tepp: As if. Drow are treacherous.
Tepp: We should-
DM: Now that you're here, Adalon suggests you take on Irenicus while she deal with the drow and the demon.
Luna: Would she even win that?
DM: She declines to answer.
Tepp: Look, better to play them against each other.
Tepp: Our best shot at victory might be doing nothing.
DM: Adalon refuses to do nothing. If the drow get what they want, it will only encourage further egg thefts.
Luna: Then we'll fight alongside her. First the drow, then Irenicus.
DM: She does not trust you enough for that.
Sendany: This isn't a discussion, is it? She's just telling us what she's gonna do so we can adapt to it.
DM: Pretty much.
DM: Adalon leaves to do battle.
Sendany: If we followed her and aided her, I doubt she would go out of her way to kill us.
Sendany: Might be indifferent to our fate at worst.
Tepp: I think we need a different approach to this.
Tepp: While we fight them, Irenicus will have free access to whatever essence the tree still has.
Tepp: And as far as I can tell, he's already drained enough to be nigh undefeatable.
Tepp: One crippled dragon isn't going to swing the balance in our favor.
Tepp: Above all, remember the drow have no reason to aid Irenicus. They might just swoop in and kill both him and us.
Luna: That sounds pretty grim.
Sendany: It does, but dwelling on that isn't going to help.
Sendany: Time is against us.
Tepp: One thing might work...
Tepp: Simulacrum.
Luna: What do you have in mind?
Tepp: Something cunning, I hope.
Sendany: Must be something special for you to use a level 8 slot for something else than Horrid Wilting.
Tepp: Don't kid yourself, it was a scroll.
Tepp: Let's wipe out the parasites.
DM: The last parasite falls.
DM: You hear Irenicus' voice in your minds: I can see you. Your illusions are no match for my powers.
DM: He summons you to him.
Luna: IRENICUS!
Irenicus: Gnats.
Irenicus: You make it so convenient for me. I thought I would have to hunt you down for what you did to Bodhi.
Irenicus: Yet here you are, asking for me to take all my revenge in one single day.
Irenicus: How can I refuse.
DM: Does anyone have anything to say before the battle commences?
Tepp: A request, before we begin.
DM: Yes?
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... in the event that we win, whisper, whisper...)
DM: That's a good idea.
DM: Coming from you, it's pure brilliance actually.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Kangaxxmas, whisper, whisper...)
DM: And there it stopped.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... Framing Evil Demiliches For Dummies, copyright, royalties, whisper, whisper...)
DM: Enough.
Tepp: (whisper, whisper... The Kangaxx Foundation For Curing Extreme Leprosy, whisper, whisper...)
DM: Shut up. I'll do the first, but no more mention of Kangaxx.
Sendany: I have a question for Irenicus.
Sendany: How does he cope with the lactic acid from holding his arm out all the time?
DM: ...
Tepp: Have you seen how big his muscles are, titwit? I'm sure it's no problem.
Sendany: Large muscles are correlated with hypertrophic and explosive strength training. Static strength and endurance do not come with that. You'd have to train for those as well, and let's just say it's very unlikely he does. Contrary to what newbies believe, being able to lift something very heavy a few times does not mean you can trivially lift something very light a lot of times. In fact, you'll probably suck terribly at it. If you think otherwise, you probably believe in spot reduction too.
Sendany: Do you even lift?
Luna: Hehehe.
Tepp: Well, um...
Tepp: When I roll for Horrid Wilting damage, I lift TWENTY dice where each has EIGHT sides.
Sendany: Wow. I hope you warm up first.
DM: I warned you to not bring any nonsense into this battle.
DM: It wasn't just for the jackass.
Luna: The battle hasn't begun yet.
Sendany: (Merci.)
Luna: (De rien.)
DM: *sigh*
DM: Irenicus is just genetically superior, okay?
DM: Luna, do you also intend to test my patience?
Luna: No. I have but one thing to say before we begin.
-Luna utters a quiet prayer and raises her mace to catch what little moonlight has managed to slip through the canopy.-
-It might just be the wind, but the branches seem to clear that the light might fully engulf her.-
Luna: Righteousness flows through me. On this night, Tyr and Selûne are one within me.
Luna: I am the blinding ray of justice!
DM: The battle begins.
Tepp: Improved Alacrity. Spellstrike. Breach.
Tepp: Hit him, Sendy! Don't let him cast Time Stop!
Sendany: Backstab.
Sendany: ...
Sendany: That has to be my weakest backstab in this whole campaign.
DM: He cannot be caught unaware. Too powerful.
DM: But you did interrupt him.
Luna: Draw Upon Holy Might.
Tepp: Summon Planetar.
DM: Irenicus takes control of your Planetar.
Tepp: WHAT?
Tepp: Okay, Sendy, keep it busy until I can get another one out.
Sendany: Evasion and a silent prayer for the dice to not hate me now.
Luna: Righteous Magic.
DM: The Planetar hits Sendany hard, but he avoids vorpal death.
Tepp: New Planetar. Planetar duel, go!
Sendany: Could use some healing here...
DM: Irenicus uses Power Word: Stun on Sendany.
Tepp: Gnnnh.
Luna: I attack Irenicus.
DM: Your swing strikes true and hard. Irenicus' contingencies trigger. He is once more impervious to attacks and spells.
DM: He begins to cast Time Stop again.
Tepp: I've already used four level 9 spells...
Tepp: Spellstrike.
Luna: But I don't have any spell attacks...
Luna: Dispel Magic on Sendany!
DM: The Time Stop finishes.
DM: Irenicus conjures symbols for fear and stun, and then casts Time Stop once more.
DM: He casts Horrid Wilting twice, and then Absolute Immunity.
DM: Tepp and Luna are both stunned.
DM: Sendany is free to act.
Sendany: Well what the hell...
Sendany: Couldn't backstab even without the Stoneskin, can't exactly run off and set traps...
Sendany: Uh...
Sendany: I pick the lock on Ellesime's cage!
DM: Ellesime rushes out of the cage and implores the tree to use some of its remaining strength to aid the party.
DM: The stun effects end, and you are all healed somewhat. Roots and vines bind the turned Planetar in place.
DM: Irenicus is angered and incapacitates Ellesime, then throws her back in the cage and locks it magically.
Tepp: Breach! Planetar go!
Luna: Mass Cure.
DM: Just then, you notice your illusions ending. You no longer look like drow.
Sendany: Adalon lost?
Luna: I will not be distracted by that.
DM: Irenicus dismisses the entangled Planetar and takes control of the other one.
Tepp: ...
Sendany: On it, on it. Greater Evasion.
Luna: Regeneration on Sendy.
Tepp: We can't let him cast-
DM: Time Stop? You just did.
DM: He casts Ultimate Malison.
Tepp: What, no such spell.
DM: With his power, there is. Your saving throws are rock bottom.
DM: He casts Chaos.
DM: The Time Stop ends. All three of you are confused.
DM: Irenicus holds the Planetar back so he can gloat.
Irenicus: Pathetic! All three of you, pathetic! You should have taken to a life of debauchery the moment you pressed the stake through and you might have had some pleasure before your inevitable doom!
Irenicus: Did you think you could defeat ME? I am JON IRENICUS, and my power rivals that of the gods!
Irenicus: Do you think your sorcerous talent can compete with my intellect?
Irenicus: Do you think your sneaksmanship can fool my cunning?
Irenicus: Do you think your prayers can be heard against my arcane voice?
Irenicus: You rush towards your doom for some twisted sense of justice! Pathetic, pathetic like the sorry girl you sought to avenge!
Sendany: Wait.
Luna: No.
Luna: He can mock us all he likes, but Imoen is OFF LIMITS.
DM: What are you gonna do about it? You're confused.
Tepp: He just spoke the magic words to break us out.
DM: Didn't sound like Dispel Magic to me.
Tepp: You know what I mean.
DM: I do not.
Luna: THIS is our purpose.
Luna: He mocks Imoen with every remorseless breath he takes!
Luna: We will not be stopped.
DM: I know.
DM: Just wanted to hear the jackass argue in favor of something else than fucking around with Kangaxx.
DM: Enjoy freedom, the removal of the Ultimate Malison effect and a +2 circumstance bonus to your rolls for the remainder of the battle.
Luna: For Imoen!
Sendany: Can I go toe to toe against the Planetar now?
Tepp: No. But Adalon will handle it.
Luna: She's here?
Luna: She's here.
Luna: What happened?
Tepp: Let's just say that demons are prideful creatures and have no interest in serving a dead summoner.
Luna: And how is it their summoner died?
Tepp: My simulacrum might have joined the battle and had a talk with Phaere.
Tepp: Might have rid her of the delusion that the greatest enemy of tree-dwelling elves is drow.
Sendany: Then what is?
-Tepp flaunts his Ring of the Ram-
Tepp: Gravity.
Tepp: Now, I believe that bastard has quite expended his reserve of high level memos, and this turn of events might have caught even him off guard.
Tepp: Breach.
Sendany: I att... wait.
Sendany: If he's off guard, I try to hold him still.
DM: You manage to disrupt his spell, but you cannot hope to grapple him for more than a few seconds.
Sendany: I'm hoping that will be enough.
Luna: Oh, Irenicus.
Luna: I have a Harm spell with your name on it.
DM: Success.
DM: Irenicus drops to one knee.
Irenicus: ...
Irenicus: YOU killed me...
Bonus ending. It's what Tepp whispered the DM about. A word of warning before you read it - you might find it too romantic. It is NOT a resurrection of Imoen, but it still probably violates some D&D/Bhaalspawn mechanics. If you're lawful anal you probably don't wanna read it.
Luna: What's happening?
Tepp: Let me explain...
DM: You arrive in Hell...
DM: (Wow, he didn't correct me.)
DM: You arrive in Hell, and Irenicus lies before you. You are all battered, but you get on your feet before he does.
DM: He musters the strength to rise, and is most surprised to see you before him.
DM: He gloats at you: So what happened? Did I explode and take you with me?
DM: You are most deserving of this! Eternal suffering might be bearable knowing you'll share the fate!
Luna: Oh no, Irenicus. We still live.
Luna: It's only that killing you once isn't enough for us.
DM: He mocks you: So what, you wish to send me off to non-existence and save me from damnation? Be my guest!
Luna: No, that's not it.
Sendany: Far be it from us to deny you your rightful punishment, Irenicus.
Sendany: Eternal suffering is no less than you deserve.
Luna: But endure it within the confines of your own black soul.
Luna: Not Imoen's.
-the party members brandish their weapons-
Luna: Her spirit will SOAR.
Tepp: Try to make us play the next campaign, will you?
DM: Not YOU if I can help it, but sure.
DM: Six humanoids are seated around a table with seven chairs.
DM: Later, they will turn out to be called the Five. The sixth is presumed to be the janitor.
DM: A janitor who clearly has a say in matters, since two of the Five are supposed to be women, yet you hear four distinct male voices.
DM: One of them exclaims: Gorion's Ward has... grown too powerful! We should have acted long before now.
DM: ...
Tepp: Continue, will you?
DM: Oh. Of course.
DM: Another replies: There is no reason to be concerned. The fate of this fool has been sealed.
DM: Yet another asks: But can we be so sure?
DM: And yet another finishes: This spawn of Bhaal is doomed. There is no escape.
DM: In practice, it means you will get a free pair of Boots of Speed.
DM: Now excuse me for a moment.
DM: Hmm... how about... no... well maybe... no... so that's why... REALLY... okay how about... no!
Tepp: Hehe.
DM: QUESTION.
Tepp: Is it about something that should have been established at character creation, and you've managed to not think of until now?
DM: I hate you SO MUCH.
DM: QUESTION: Which one of you IS Gorion's Ward?
DM: Which one of you is the Bhaalspawn???
Tepp: BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
DM: SERIOUSLY TELL ME!
Tepp: WORST DM EVER!
DM: THAT DOES IT.
DM: I'M ROLLING 1D3 TO DECIDE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE BHAALSPAWN.
Tepp: THERE ISN'T EVEN SUCH A THING AS A THREESIDED DIE YOU LOSER.
DM: I'M LORD OF THE LEVEL I DECIDE WHAT'S REAL.
-Tepp and the DM engage in a violent LARPduel-
Yeah, that was Tepp's plotlong joke. I've compiled all the reasons the DM never thought to wonder which one of them is charname. It is not at all 100% waterproof, but I am pretty happy with it given I didn't even think of doing it until they staked Bodhi.
Irenicus took Imoen's soul instead of charname's.
Category "Recruitable NPC, don't you dare address charname":
They didn't take Valygar in because he'd start bantering with charname if they kept him and he'd walk up to charname if they kicked him.
Viconia was killed before she could call out to charname. Well played DM.
Sendany broke them out of Irenicus' cages so Imoen didn't have to open charname's first, and they didn't take her with them because banter.
Nalia was too angry with them to ask to join, Haer'Dalis never met them because not doing Planar Prison. However these two weren't planned and feel a bit loosely motivated.
Category "Strongholds":
Didn't hand in Mae'var or Unseeing Eye quests, Lavok killed. Thus the DM never had to check if the respective characters were eligible for the strongholds due to being charnames.
Category "Remaining":
Avoided the name Veldrin because it goes to charname.
Acted like wimp drow so the DM wouldn't dream of having Phaere sleep with charname or even ask to talk to charname in private.
Look for what isn't there: Nobody ever invoked a Bhaalspawn power.
Lastly, if you caught this one, you are so nerdy you should take sides in the LARPduel:
Tepp was in fact trying to get the de'Arnise Keep locked. Why? Because if they went in to restore the flail, they would have found the Find Familiar scroll too. As only charname wizards can have a familiar, he didn't want to have to comment on whether or not he wanted it.
Luna: Should we do something?
Sendany: Naw. Let them duke it out.
Sendany: Might you want to go out for a drink instead?
Luna: Like a date? With you?
Sendany: Oui.
Luna: Mmm...
Luna: Sure, why not!
This has been great fun. I never expected all of this to stem from my wish to see a DM's reaction to a party trying to pickpocket Ihtafeer's head.
Thanks to @Necomancer for starting the thread, and thanks to the audience. I wouldn't have kept going if those likes didn't roll in.
While I've explained I very likely won't do ToB, I might come back here and do WK at some point, if it's still up for grabs or I feel I can pull off a story different enough from the existing one(s).
I leave you with this message...
Sendany: Cheer for me, readers. Going for a #firstdate #consensualcolonoscopicmalpractice
PS - Did you ever mention Tepp's race?
When Luna calls Tepp out on revealing her race to the readers, it's more for the humor of them acknowledging they're in a story. And also because Luna and Tepp like to fight. There was never some grand reveal planned for her race. Let it be any tall race you want. Same with Tepp of course, though if you want to be perfectly anally correct about it one of them needs to provide Infravision.
Flower: What do you mean, out?
Bentley Mirrorshade: I said out! Go, leave this place!
Alora: What's going on here?
DM: It seems Flower is being evicted
Flower: But your sales have tripled since my first brew came out
Bentley: They have
Flower: Our estimates show that we'll sell out my next batch within weeks
Bentley: Days, if they all drink as much as your pretty friend
Tush: Best batch yet, love! *burp* Which one of you boys wants to buy me another round?
Flower: Then why are you kicking me out!?
Randall: You know why
Alora: I told you there would be consequences...
Flower: That?! Oh, please! I already said you can chain me up when the next moon turns. I'm fine with it! I don't want to hurt anyone else
Bentley: Your curse is no fault of your own. That is not why I am asking you to leave
Flower: THEN WHY!?
Randall: It's because of the fucking vote, you twit
Flower: The vote? All I proposed was that we expand the eastern storehouse to make room for more kegs. We're going to need a larger warehouse if we want to keep up with demand.
Alora: Ducky, didn't I say there would be consequences?
Ducky: You did! I remember that! You can't hurt where the Gods live!
Randall: That 'eastern storehouse' is currently being called 'The Temple of Wisdom'
Flower: Currently. Things are going to change around here once the taps start flowing.
Bentley: MY WIFE IF THE DAMN CLERIC!
Flower: Our projections show that my ale, pint-for-pint, will bring in more revenue than her mystery soup! It's simple mathematics! You have to look at the bigger picture!
Alora: Flower, I never thought you'd grow up to be such a capitalist. I'm so proud
Flower: Don't you EVER call me the C-word again!
Alora: She does have a point, Bentley. Just think of the coin! We'll all be rich! I'll buy a nice tower in Baldur's Gate; I wonder if there's one for sale.
DM: You guys can't just assume that taking on new identites will work. You're being hunted by dangerous assassins, remember?
Alora: I'm the one being hunted by dangerous assassins, not them. They can all stay here in safety for the rest of their lives and no one would care
Flower: I never thought The Black Lady would be so caring
Alora: Don't YOU ever call me the C-word again! I can take care of myself, let them finance my adventures from afar.
Ducky: Oh no, my poppa told me I have to keep you out of trouble and I'm doing a good job so far!
Alora: You're far from the most useless member of the party, I'll give you that
Flower: We've nearly died every time the DM picks up the dice! I'm your only healer unless Ducky ever decides you're not pretty anymore. Someone has to keep you alive until I can set up another shop.
Tush: I go where the ale goes
Flower: Damn right you do! Your tab is already through the roof!
Tush: I'll take care of it. These pockets ran dry long ago...
Randall: I'm fine with driving home right now, if you're all cool with walking. Yeah, Didn't think so.
Bentley: GET THE HELL OUT! ALL OF YOU!
Randall: Before we go, someone should go take a piss over by that Pine tree...
DM: *nasty glance*
Randall: It's the call of nature, and it just so happens to be the largest tree around.
DM: THIS IS IT! NO MORE!
Randall: I take my ring and get out.
DM: Randall and Tush step out of the shadows between the trees and into your small camp.
Tush: Bandits
Alora: Where?
Tush: Just past the bend in the road, nessled against the north cliff face
Ducky: How many?
Randall: Less than a dozen
Ducky: ...
Flower: Less than twelve, Ducky
Ducky: Thank you
Alora: Are they human?
Randall: Bunch of filthy Hobgoblins.
Tush: I'm not trying to talk to this lot, not after the last two!
DM: I told you that if they wished you harm, they'd probably just shoot first, did I not?
Alora: I want to see if we can hook up with them.
DM: I also told you to stop trying that!
Alora: You said to 'stop trying that FOR NOW'! Which implies I should continue to try because it will eventually work!
Randall: Since I'm not allowed to metagame anymore, I can't point out how stupid any of this is
DM: Fine, do whatever you want. Don't complain to me when you get an arrow in the ass.
Alora: I say we fight, agreed?
Flower: We could easily avoid them
Randall: Agreed
Flower: There's a path right there
Tush: I'll take out their shaman once you all engage
Flower: We are outnumbered two-to-one...
Ducky: *draws a newly re-forged Greatsword* You didn't count Susan!
Flower: That was actually counting Susan
Alora: Alright, lets go hunting
DM: Tush and Randall fade back into the shadows while the rest of you walk down the road. The bend Tush described is up ahead, what do you do?
Alora: I approach cautiously
Ducky: I'm right beside her
Flower: I'll stay within healing range, but otherwise am as far away from this mayham as possible
DM: You turn the bend and see the whole camp in front of you. *rolls* Ducky made too much noise and they all notice you
Alora: God damnit Ducky!
Ducky: Oops, sorry.
Alora: I cast a desperation Sleep
DM: What was that?
Alora: You heard me! I cast a desperation Sleep!
DM: Hmmm.... *rolls* In your 'desperation' to cast Sleep, you feel your body become overloaded with magical energy...
Alora: What!?
DM: You are speaking the words and performing the gestures for a Sleep spell, but you can feel something is going terribly wrong
Alora: What are you doing to me!?
DM: *rolls* The skies go black, you can all feel the ground quake. A ring of flame bursts from the ground, and a great and terrible sight emerges. You've summoned a Pit Fiend, a greater devil of the Nine Hells
Alora: But I'm a Sorceress, not a Wild Mage!
DM: So you are, how strange...
Randall: This is why I hate playing D&D with you
DM: The Pit Fiend spreads his wings and a ring of flame bursts out from around him, incinerating the bandit camp and the hobgoblins within it. Tush and Randall are illuminated by the blast, but were fortunate enough to be outside the radius
Tush: Well, I'll see you in town *smoke bomb VANISH*
Randall: We are totally fucked, guys
DM: The Pit Fiend begins to laugh
Mexxall'Eshtexx: I have been freed! Free to walk the mortal realm!
Alora: Shit...
Mexxall'Eshtexx: You! You're the one responsible for this? Well, it would make sense, few else could have the power. I shall have to reward you for this gift! I shall devour you quickly before I burn your plane of existence to ash!
Ducky: Oh no you don't! I begin to attack him with Susan
DM: Your blows bounce off him to no effect. The devil laughs even louder
Mexxall'Eshtexx: Dinner, entertainment, my dear you are such a wonderful hostess. Much better than your father ever was.
Ducky: I cast protection from Evil on myself and continue to attack!
DM: *rolls* Your sword strains and shakes as you feebly connect blow after blow
Flower: Ducky, stop! It's no use! You're just going to break her again!
Mexxall'Eshtexx: Paladin. I haven't had that morsel in eons! I have a wonderful sauce in mind for you!
Randall: Alora, cast something!
Alora: Like what!? I only know two spells!
Randall: Anything, just cast it with 'desperation'
DM: Oh fuck...
Alora: AH HA! Blindness!
DM *rolls* You feel another overwhelming surge of magical energy burst out from you. The Pit Fiend's form begins to shutter and quake.
Randall: AGAIN!
Alora: Sleep!
DM: *rolls* The demon lets out a great cry and seems serverly weakened
Ducky: I hit him with my dagger!
DM: Your dagger pierces the devils flesh. The wound begins to smoulder
Ducky: I hit him again! And again! And again!
DM: *rolls* You stab the beast over and over. Your blows becoming more forceful and vicious. He slumps over.
Randall: Finish him off!
Alora: Wait, I want this kill! I cast another Blindness in desperation!
DM: *rolls* The ground around the Pit Fiend shakes as the beast is engulfed in magical energy. You are all knocked from your feet except Alora. Blinding pulses of light burst from the Pit Fiend. Alora, you can see the beast twisting and mutating, growing smaller and weaker with each pulse of energy. When it stops, all that remains is a small crater, with a battered Imp laying on the ground
Alora: Well then, what do we have here?
Mexxall'Eshtexx: What have you done! I'm nothing! All my powers are gone! Curse you! Curse you! I will devour your soul piece by piece for a century!
Alora: Awww... How cute. I put my belt around his neck
DM: What are you doing?
Alora: I'm taking him with me! You have a problem with that?
DM: Well, yeah! You can't just take him along, he's a major devil.
Alora: He's my familiar now
DM: You don't even have that spell!
Randall: She also doesn't have Gate now, does she? Mr. Master of Dickish Dice
DM: Ducky is a Cavalier, he can't be in the same party as a pit fiend!
Alora: He's just an adorable wittle Imppy now, isn't he!
Ducky: I don't know about this
Alora: Just think of him as a puppy Devil
Ducky: I love puppies!
Mexxall'Eshtexx: I will consume you all!
Alora: I'm going to call you 'Mooshie.' Now what was that you were saying about Gorion?
Mooshie: My rage will not be contained!
Alora: *yawn* You're getting kinda boring. Get in my pack, Moosh.
Earlier in this thread, before I officially named these characters, I wrote about a Lawful-Stupid Paladin accepting Silke's quest in Beregost. I would like to officially incorporate that scene into this playthrough. Think of it as the trailer for the movie that was about to come. The only ret-con would be that the Fighter is now our Ranger, Randall the Raven.
*We Re-join our adventurers in the middle of Beregost, standing over the corpse of a recently defeated Silke*
Garrick: So.... Anyone looking for a Bard!?
Randall: Fuck off
Flower: I'll patch up Ducky's face. That was totally unnecessary, Tush!
Ducky: It tickled
Tush: If you're on 'the list', you deserve what's coming to you. Should have helped me take off the belt. Now let's go get a drink. How'd you get out of that mess with the Pit Fiend alive, by the way?
Alora: I'll explain later. I'll also take that wand, thank you very much! I'm pretty high on that list myself
DM: There's a pub right beside you. It's called the Red Sheaf Inn
Randall: There's like 4 taverns in this town, lets go to one of the better ones...
DM: *nasty stare*
Randall: ...fine
Tush: It's the closest one, and I'm thirsty now! It's been a tough day
Ducky: You haven't fought once
Tush: I robbed a mansion for that wand!
Alora: A wonderful wand it is *polishing the wand*
Tush: I'll have it back any time now
Alora: All loot comes through the party leader! Those are my rules! You follow my rules or I'll see how much voltage your face can handle.
Tush: Fine, lets grab a pint and I'll show you what I've grabbed.
DM: As you walk into the Red Sheaf Inn, a dwarf approaches you. He's got a mean look on his face, and is eyeing down Alora
Karlat: Why ello' there. You must be The Black Lady.
Alora: I don't think he wants to buy me a drink
Karlat: Bright lass, you are! I'll take your head back to the boss and get my payment soon enough.
Alora: I hope you have the stones for it!
Karlat: I'll show you my-
DM: *rolls* Tush makes a sucessful backstab. His mace connects solidly with the back of Karlat's helmet. He appears to have been stunned. His eyes move around frantically, but he's been compleatly paralyzed.
Tush: Yeah, I noticed this guy snooping around earlier. Figured he would try something funny.
Randall: And what is that!?
Tush: This? Just some cool little mace I lifted off some stupid traveller. It's so much easier to steal things now that the men just invite me back to their rooms. Even had the blacksmith identify it for free after I drank him under the table. Men are so gullible, am I right ladies?
Randall: What? There are no magical maces in Beregost!
DM: Oh, didn't you know? There's been quite a few changes since the Enhanced Edition came out
Randall: *look at the mace* this thing is ridiculous!
DM: I know, right?
Randall: And she gets it this early!
DM: And she doesn't even have to fight some gemstone obsessed mercenary or an evil cleric with daddy issues to get it, either.
Randall: And you let me take Long Swords like a chump!
DM: Bwahahaha! Your skills are outdated, old man! Go back to the shadows of BGT where you belong!
Randall: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Flower: What are we going to do about this assassin? He's been incapacitated. We should call the watch
Tush: I'll just finish him off
Flower: He deserves to be tried for his crimes and then be punished
Alora: *ZZZZZAAAAAPPPPP*
DM: Karlat explodes into a mess of charred chunks of flesh. The entire tavern is now covered in gore.
Alora: Wow, that IS fun! Let me find the chunk that had his coin purse
DM: You find his coin purse, as well as a document describing you. It's a bounty notice, much the same as the one Tarnesh has on his person at the Friendly Arm Inn
Alora: Woo hoo, looks like the price on my head has gone up!
DM: You're proud about this?
Alora: Of course! I've got a bad reputation to uphold!
DM: *sigh* This could have been such a noble and heroic quest... The bartender is yelling at you to leave now. You should probably go.
DM: As you exit the bar, a young half-elf approaches you. Her name is Neera, she describeds herself as a Wild Mage and emplores you for help
Alora: Wait, a Wild Mage?
Neera: That's right.
Alora: Ok, help me out here. *pulls out Mooshie* I summoned this thing instead of casting a Blindness spell, what's the big deal!?
Mooshie: *gasp* Let me out! Your pack smells worse than the bog pits of Dis!
Neera: Look, I don't know what happened to you. All I know is that I was born during the Time of Troubles and that seems to have an effect on my ability to cast magic
Flower: Not that bed-time story again...
Alora: So was I, but I've never had any problems before!
Neera: Most people don't, but please! Help me! There are men hunting me down!
Alora: You've been of no use to us. Fend for yourself!
Neera: But they're going to cut me open!
DM: A group of mages appear. They begin to surround Neera
Alora: Not my problem
Ducky: Shouldn't we help the pretty lady?
Randall: What happened the last time we did that? Hmm, Ducky? This woman's a stranger to me. I don't trust her.
Ducky: Maybe you're right...
Flower: This is wrong!
DM: As the mages begin to drag Neera away, she cries out..
Neera: She's a wild mage, too!
DM: The mages stop and look at Alora. "Two for the price of one?" "Sound's good to me"
Alora: You bitch!
Ducky: Why are all the pretty ladies in this town so mean!?
Randall: Lets do this, then *draws an arrow*
-fade to black-
Randall: Wow
DM: I know
Randall: That was intense
DM: Tell me about it
Randall: Like, this is only Beregost
DM: The second town you come to
Randall: We're used to fighting Bandits and Gibberlings
DM: Maybe the occational Hobgoblin
Randall: I remember Silke being the toughest fight on this map
DM: The spiders could be hard without preperation
Randall: But like, four wizards
DM: It should have only been three, with one on your side
Randall: It's a little bit overkill
DM: It's more than do-able
Randall: You're only supposed to be level 1, MAYBE 2 at this point
DM: Neera should have been indestructable
Randall: Thank god all of those cows fell from the sky
DM: Strange occurence, it was
Randall: Like, she could have summoned another Pit Fiend by accident
DM: Indeed
Randall: Are you going to make sure we don't all die before this gets fun?
DM: Are you going to stop being such a dick to my new NPCs?
Randall: Never
DM: Then I make no promises