I agree with @GreenWarlock. If you are in your forties and have had little luck with dating, it's well about time to stop staying focussed on wanting to find a romantic partner and focus instead of how to live a fulfilling life as a single. The tendency in society is far too much on living with a partner, but for some, that's just not going to happen, there's no 'lid to fit every pot', that's a myth, life isn't in some way preordained to having everyone end up with a partner.
There's no use keeping focussed on dreaming of finding a mate when all it does is making you feel miserable and alone. I chose to focus instead on the good things of being single: living your life as you want it to, having enough time to be on your own to do things I like, gaming, enjoying nature with a walk or a trip by bike. There's many ways to find fulfilment in life besides romance. There's contact with friends and families, there's hobbies, there's finding a means to live your passions. I strive for a just world for instance, with a clean environment, a far more equitable distribution of wealth, no oppression, no greed or selfishness. I found myself a volunteer's job in stepping up for the rights of people who like me are mentally ill and in voicing our needs to the local government, creating meetings where mentally ill people are centre-stage and are pampered with a lunch, there's a speech and a theme to talk about etc., I'm in part fulfilling that passion.
When I get home, all stressed out by all the people I've met, my head restless and busy with all the impressions of the day which my mentally ill head finds so hard to handle, I'm thankful for coming home in solitude and not having to take into account the needs of someone I would come home to, when I come home, I have time for myself, I vent my stress by calling my parents on the phone (contact with family is more important if you're single and on top of that handicapped as well) and then there's a quiet house I enjoy. No kids to take care of.
There's no partner who's expectations I have to deal with. I've had a short relation 4 times in my 44 year old life, but the most recent ones, expectations of both sides collided, I wanted much more intimacy than they could offer, my last partner wanted much more time together than I could offer. I want to put time and attention to my work, to gaming, I need (because of my mental illness) lots of time being alone to recover, I lack energy because of that illness and my hobbies (gaming, nature, reading), my work (as explained above), my household and the time I need to recover take up all my life. Fitting a partner in just makes it worse. For sexual needs, there's the perfect coupling of my hand and the internet, for intimacy there's friends and family or a hug with a colleague for instance (we've got quit a warm organisation and some of my colleagues I like a lot and we express that in a 'bromance' hug sometimes).
I finally decided I'm alone and single, not because I can't find anyone, but because I don't want to be involved in romance and since that decision, my life has become so much more enjoyable and fulfilling. I can recommend making that shift in focus to anyone who couldn't find anyone after years of searching and getting older. Let the coming part of your life not be about finding someone to be happy with, but about being happy on and with your own.
Want to hear how I met my wife? It's not the big romantic story but it may add a new aspect in regard to the relative merits and drawbacks of being single.
Between the age of 22 and 32, I've been single for ten years. Most of this time, I shared a house with a couple of friends (all male), I was a student and later I worked as a software developer, I would have liked to have a girlfriend but I did not really know how to approach that ... The two or three girlfriends I had had before, well, in hindsight it seems they made advances on me instead vice versa, and so I never had learned how to make advances on a woman myself.
Anyway, when I was 32 I moved to another city for a little career push, and so I moved out of the house and started living on my own, which I had not done for quite a while. I always have enjoyed cooking and continued to do my own cooking even now that it was only for me. One night when I was cutting a cucumber for some salad I had an accident, I cut off a little part of my fingertip, I must have been a little tired or something. There was lots of blood but actually it was not so bad, I bandaged it as well as I could and went to bed.
However, I did not dare to remove the bandage the next day on my own, and I went to see a doctor instead. Since it was weekend, I was new to town and did not know a particular doctor, I went to a "on-duty" medical unit nearby and met a nice female doctor there. No, dear reader, she's not my wife-to-be , but after she had treated me and all was well, I visited her again later when I needed a doctor again. She was a medical practitioner but did also work in the naturopathy line.
And when I consulted her again it was due to a medical problem I found difficult to explain. I had had attacks of nervousness or even panic sometimes, something like palpitations, it came and went and I could not really put my finger on it. I had had these problems for some years already. I tried to describe this to her, and one of the first things she asked me was, "do you have a girlfriend?". I was surprised and answered no and she said something to the effect that there might be a connection.
She did not expressly say that single life was unhealthy somehow, but she gave me something to think. And I realized that I definitely wanted a girlfriend. I had not spent much thought on that, what with the new job and the new city and all, but I was lonely. And to change that, I did the simple thing, I started reading and answering lonely-hearts adverts.
It was 1995 and there was not really such a thing as the Internet like it is today - it seems to me that it should be much easier to find a partner today, because you can easily find people who are looking, like you. But even back then, already the second woman I dated was my jackpot, some weeks later we were meeting regularly and at the end of the same year we moved in together. And lived happily ever after. Marriage came much later.
This, of course, is just my story. And even now I can appreciate the advantages of a single life. As I said earlier, having a couple of hours for myself every day is important for me, and this might well be because I was used to be the master of my own time for so long. But in the end it turned out that being single was not the right lifestyle for me.
Happily married for 18 years this May. I'm not someone who believes there is only "one person" for everyone and do think that it takes the right people, dedication and luck to make it work. For example, I feel very fortunate that my wife and I grew in many similar ways after we were married coming out of college because had one of us decided to focus on career to the exclusion of family, etc. that could have been fatal. Beyond that, just day to day both of us have done a good job balancing concessions for each other and working to find common ground, both with interests and arguments.
We definitely have some different interests and find a balance that makes that work - she doesn't do any video games while I enjoy them so I have curtailed the amount I play from what I would if I were single but still have that as something I enjoy in life. My musical tastes are MUCH more diverse than hers so I keep listening to what I enjoy and play what common ground we have in the house (i.e., no metal, very limited progressive rock, no jazz, no rap, etc. on the family stereo but I don't play stuff I don't like either). We look for similar grounds on movies, etc. - she watches RomComs that I don't like when I am traveling or putting the kids down at night, etc. and then we watch something like House of Cards together when I come down from putting the last one to bed.
I just think that long-term relationships are a function of compatability, committment and some luck and won't work if any one of those fails so people who are looking for love shouldn't come in expecting a relationship to be like the rush of things in the first five or so. You aren't going to have the same endorphins every day but that doesn't mean the relationship is failing or that is doesn't grow and deepen with time. It just changes and you need to maintain that commitment to both the person and the relationship over time.
Yeah, I've found that differing tastes in shows and movies are helpful, as long as there's still some common ground. That way when you're traveling alone or on the treadmill or whatever, there's stuff you can watch without worrying that your partner will feel left out.
(But no rap in the house?! That one would be hard for me.)
Yeah, I've found that differing tastes in shows and movies are helpful, as long as there's still some common ground. That way when you're traveling alone or on the treadmill or whatever, there's stuff you can watch without worrying that your partner will feel left out.
(But no rap in the house?! That one would be hard for me.)
She would enjoy hits from Sir Mix-A-Lot or Beastie Boys or maybe Eminem but not something like Pharoahe Monch, The Roots or Deltron 3030. Little ones are also a factor in music choices, though I tend not to play "kids" music for them so much as to avoid significant profanity in the songs.
Comments
There's no use keeping focussed on dreaming of finding a mate when all it does is making you feel miserable and alone. I chose to focus instead on the good things of being single: living your life as you want it to, having enough time to be on your own to do things I like, gaming, enjoying nature with a walk or a trip by bike. There's many ways to find fulfilment in life besides romance. There's contact with friends and families, there's hobbies, there's finding a means to live your passions. I strive for a just world for instance, with a clean environment, a far more equitable distribution of wealth, no oppression, no greed or selfishness. I found myself a volunteer's job in stepping up for the rights of people who like me are mentally ill and in voicing our needs to the local government, creating meetings where mentally ill people are centre-stage and are pampered with a lunch, there's a speech and a theme to talk about etc., I'm in part fulfilling that passion.
When I get home, all stressed out by all the people I've met, my head restless and busy with all the impressions of the day which my mentally ill head finds so hard to handle, I'm thankful for coming home in solitude and not having to take into account the needs of someone I would come home to, when I come home, I have time for myself, I vent my stress by calling my parents on the phone (contact with family is more important if you're single and on top of that handicapped as well) and then there's a quiet house I enjoy. No kids to take care of.
There's no partner who's expectations I have to deal with. I've had a short relation 4 times in my 44 year old life, but the most recent ones, expectations of both sides collided, I wanted much more intimacy than they could offer, my last partner wanted much more time together than I could offer. I want to put time and attention to my work, to gaming, I need (because of my mental illness) lots of time being alone to recover, I lack energy because of that illness and my hobbies (gaming, nature, reading), my work (as explained above), my household and the time I need to recover take up all my life. Fitting a partner in just makes it worse. For sexual needs, there's the perfect coupling of my hand and the internet, for intimacy there's friends and family or a hug with a colleague for instance (we've got quit a warm organisation and some of my colleagues I like a lot and we express that in a 'bromance' hug sometimes).
I finally decided I'm alone and single, not because I can't find anyone, but because I don't want to be involved in romance and since that decision, my life has become so much more enjoyable and fulfilling. I can recommend making that shift in focus to anyone who couldn't find anyone after years of searching and getting older. Let the coming part of your life not be about finding someone to be happy with, but about being happy on and with your own.
Between the age of 22 and 32, I've been single for ten years. Most of this time, I shared a house with a couple of friends (all male), I was a student and later I worked as a software developer, I would have liked to have a girlfriend but I did not really know how to approach that ... The two or three girlfriends I had had before, well, in hindsight it seems they made advances on me instead vice versa, and so I never had learned how to make advances on a woman myself.
Anyway, when I was 32 I moved to another city for a little career push, and so I moved out of the house and started living on my own, which I had not done for quite a while. I always have enjoyed cooking and continued to do my own cooking even now that it was only for me. One night when I was cutting a cucumber for some salad I had an accident, I cut off a little part of my fingertip, I must have been a little tired or something. There was lots of blood but actually it was not so bad, I bandaged it as well as I could and went to bed.
However, I did not dare to remove the bandage the next day on my own, and I went to see a doctor instead. Since it was weekend, I was new to town and did not know a particular doctor, I went to a "on-duty" medical unit nearby and met a nice female doctor there. No, dear reader, she's not my wife-to-be
And when I consulted her again it was due to a medical problem I found difficult to explain. I had had attacks of nervousness or even panic sometimes, something like palpitations, it came and went and I could not really put my finger on it. I had had these problems for some years already. I tried to describe this to her, and one of the first things she asked me was, "do you have a girlfriend?". I was surprised and answered no and she said something to the effect that there might be a connection.
She did not expressly say that single life was unhealthy somehow, but she gave me something to think. And I realized that I definitely wanted a girlfriend. I had not spent much thought on that, what with the new job and the new city and all, but I was lonely. And to change that, I did the simple thing, I started reading and answering lonely-hearts adverts.
It was 1995 and there was not really such a thing as the Internet like it is today - it seems to me that it should be much easier to find a partner today, because you can easily find people who are looking, like you. But even back then, already the second woman I dated was my jackpot, some weeks later we were meeting regularly and at the end of the same year we moved in together. And lived happily ever after. Marriage came much later.
This, of course, is just my story. And even now I can appreciate the advantages of a single life. As I said earlier, having a couple of hours for myself every day is important for me, and this might well be because I was used to be the master of my own time for so long. But in the end it turned out that being single was not the right lifestyle for me.
We definitely have some different interests and find a balance that makes that work - she doesn't do any video games while I enjoy them so I have curtailed the amount I play from what I would if I were single but still have that as something I enjoy in life. My musical tastes are MUCH more diverse than hers so I keep listening to what I enjoy and play what common ground we have in the house (i.e., no metal, very limited progressive rock, no jazz, no rap, etc. on the family stereo but I don't play stuff I don't like either). We look for similar grounds on movies, etc. - she watches RomComs that I don't like when I am traveling or putting the kids down at night, etc. and then we watch something like House of Cards together when I come down from putting the last one to bed.
I just think that long-term relationships are a function of compatability, committment and some luck and won't work if any one of those fails so people who are looking for love shouldn't come in expecting a relationship to be like the rush of things in the first five or so. You aren't going to have the same endorphins every day but that doesn't mean the relationship is failing or that is doesn't grow and deepen with time. It just changes and you need to maintain that commitment to both the person and the relationship over time.
(But no rap in the house?! That one would be hard for me.)
How do I post pictures full size anyway?
http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/34077/how-to-post-files-images-step-by-step-guide
/My Bhaalspawn Clerics worship Velsharoon.
I wish I could play as a Lich. /cries.