Why i will stay single for the rest of my life
dreamtraveler
Member Posts: 377
At times there are thing that bother me so to get em out of my system i talk about em though this forum being rated Teen i don't think it will really help me...
I live in a dysfunctional family and the one with the problem is my mother... i have to put up with her excessive ego and her vaingloriousness she always likes to stay on top... things were not always like this but just the fear of being trapped in a similar dysfunctional marriage scares the shit out of me.
I live in a dysfunctional family and the one with the problem is my mother... i have to put up with her excessive ego and her vaingloriousness she always likes to stay on top... things were not always like this but just the fear of being trapped in a similar dysfunctional marriage scares the shit out of me.
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Why not tell us more? This is a very welcoming community. People have opened up here before and always found it very rewarding.
Between 2 bad choices the best choice is neither of them, the second best choice is the one with the less bad effects for the people around you (not you).
With that being said i wanna say:
"Thank you mother or should i say wife of my father for everything you have done for me and then taking it all back with your behaviour."
And shouldn't this be posted here?
https://forums.beamdog.com/discussion/7232/the-topic-for-unhappiness-vent-your-sorrow
It can be a scary prospect, marriage, esp. if one has gone through a divorce or grown up in a dysfunctional/abusive family (I can certainly empathize on that). I had physical abuse and mental abuse from listening to fights/aguments. But there is divorce as a last resort, and as tough as that can be, (I and my brother had to practically give up everything to get out of mentally abusive relationships) life still exists afterwards. I had to tell my own mom that certain kinds of talk would just not be tolerated by me if we were to have contact. Eventually she got the picture that I did not want to keep hearing disparaging comments about my dad after their divorce. Sure, messed up, but I still wanted to have contact with both parents so to hear negatives always about the other is pretty darn hard on 'kids' of any age. They should have gotten one before their 60's.
I guess what I am saying is that one does not have to put with crap. Sometimes it is hard to take a stand against it, and the only way out may be to distance oneself from it, for ones own health and peace of mind.
My brothers and I were all affected in one form or another from being in the family we were.
Given that, family counseling can be an option but if that is refused, as well as having a heart to heart with her, being totally honest about about how you feel then distance may be the only other option. for a while. Sometimes it is best to have a moderator in order to help feel one can speak their mind and not be punished for it after, and also, to keep the conversation on topic as to the problem and not on the people.
To me though, it's still worth a chance.
Mom remarried in her late 60's and is happy. One brother remarried in his 50's and is happy.And one more brother just remarried in his forties who I thought would not try again. As for myself, I would like to and have who I think is the right person but I feel as if I need to fix myself first, for her.
Our parents certainly have a big influence on us, some good, and some bad influences.
Regardless, I'm sorry, I know it can be tough.
The conflict will emerge if you wish to receive more - say human affection, intimacy etc - than you can fairly give.
If in your heart of hearts you really would like to be with someone, then work on becoming that fair partner. While the fora thing might help, it is mainly a real life exercise, I think. At least do try to avoid being unfair, coz your suffering purportedly matters more than someone else's.
in my heart of hearts i want peace and quiet though
i can give affection & intimacy far more than i will ever receive i was naive once but i am not gonna make the same mistake again.
I have a severe lack of empathy, I have a light degree of OCD and I used to get easily bored by doing the same thing on sex with the same person.
So my idea was to sail across the world, have sex with as many people as possible, spend all my money on Bangkok or Vegas or Ibiza, get back to work, and repeat this cycle until the day I die.
But then one day she appeared in my life. And I suddenly all my previous plans sounded stupid and all I wanted to do was get older by her side doing little things like cooking and watching TV and trying to replicate something we saw on a porn movie.
What I'm saying is: it doesn't matter what you want, life will give you what you're supposed to get. Just go on living and let Fate do its magic.
It's not easy all the times. Tonight I spend most of the night awake finishing my mod and she stormed into my office very pissed because I let her waiting in the bed. She made her complain I and returned to bed, don't even giving me time to explain that the reason why I'm awake so late is to be totally free and at her disposal tomorrow.
Remeber I told about "a light degree of OCD"? I just can't let things undone. No matter what it is. She failed to understand that today, as I failed to understand her issues on several other occasions.
Tomorrow (later actually) she will be grumpy by breakfast, but I'm pretty sure that everything will be perfect my lunch. Because I hold in my heart the certainty that she's the one and that we love each other.
Anyway, keep carrying on, dude.
And what I want to add that, the way you see it, @dreamtraveler you are scared of something that's not really there yet. Yes, your family backgroud is difficult, but that doesn't mean that you are bound to be stuck in disfunctional relationship in the future. As @Raduziel said, it's a matter of finding the right person.
And to be more sure, when you do that (if you choose so), you may as well try the relationship and live with that person for 2-3 years before thinking marriage. That's what I would do in that situation.
So, with this said, if your mother make you put up with a lot that you don't like, then I too say that you can distance yourself. Always put yourself first. As on an airplane, put on your own mouth air breather first before you help your children/partner/seat neighbor.
And yeah another thing, life isn't black and white. There's very few absolutes, so saying that you will stay single for the rest of your life since your mother has an excessive ego is very, very likely to be exaggerated. Life is just life. It goes on and you go on with it. Some parts you surf your way through, some parts you almost drown and some parts you just float along, but nonetheless, you will move forward no matter what.
Will you meet the love of your life? Dunno, nothing is certain. Will your life be forfeit if you don't? Nope, it won't. It's one of the biggest clichés, but it's also one of the truthiest truths; you'll regret the things you didn't do a lot more than the things you did do.
Anyways, all the best. May you find balance in life.
This said, one has to unload such burdens independently - most of us shall have unfortunate human relations or love affairs, where we hoped for more and were left disappointed or heartbroken.
But if it becomes a pattern, there is extreme bad luck or plausibly some pathology of human relations involved.
For example: persons abused by their parents by violence are highly more likely either to mete out violence themselves, or become victims of domestic abuse.
Acknowledging the hurt is the vital step, really.
From thence, one can
- repeat (wrong and regrettably typical)
- withdraw (sound morally but often unhappy); or
- try to transcend the pattern - (ideal mostly)
I really wish you the last.
Edit: spelling - wither to either