If BG came out today...
JuliusBorisov
Member, Administrator, Moderator, Developer Posts: 22,744
We have a successful You know you're playing too much Baldur's Gate when... thread.
Recently, having seen a post by @terzaerian , another idea of a thread came to me.
So, if BG came out today...
1. Each stronghold would have been a $25 piece of DLC
2. Steam would explode with 1 000 000 000 of people currently playing BG
3. People would name their children "Sarevok" and "Shar-Teel"
4. There would appear 1000+ mods about cars, underwear and bras on the Sword Coast
5. We would have the proper TV series about the Iron Throne
Recently, having seen a post by @terzaerian , another idea of a thread came to me.
So, if BG came out today...
1. Each stronghold would have been a $25 piece of DLC
2. Steam would explode with 1 000 000 000 of people currently playing BG
3. People would name their children "Sarevok" and "Shar-Teel"
4. There would appear 1000+ mods about cars, underwear and bras on the Sword Coast
5. We would have the proper TV series about the Iron Throne
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6. You would use cover mechanics to avoid projectile attacks.
7. David Warner would make a cross-promotional TV appearance promoting Mountain Dew and Baldur's Gate 2: Wrath of Jon Icarus. There will be dubstep.
8. Xbox would get every DLC exclusive one month ahead of all other platforms.
9. You would get Irenicus's headpiece as a Team Fortress 2 hat with your preorder.
10. Amelyssan fanart would be out of control.
That.
Is.
A.
Nightmare.
Like that damn clown that was posted earlier. I HATE clowns.
12. Only the 4 starting companions would of been available. The rest would be released as DLC characters.
13. You would of been able to romance any character regardless of alignment, race or sexual preference.
14. Instead of having additional shops, pre-orders would just give you one game breaking item from the beginning.
15. It wouldn't be AD&D rules.
16. All the vampires would be sexy glittering trollops that you could romance.
17. After countless focus groups, boo wouldn't be a giant space hamster, he would be some magical anime type creature that floats behind the party, that magically makes potions appear for Minsc randomly during battle.
18. The ending would suck and not make any sense with a tease for a 3rd installment.
Oh and blood costs extra. So does the final battle with Irenicus. Oh, that battle you just paid extra for, it's broken. Wait for a patch...
*Is very cynical about modern games*
Corellary to 18: the ending would be a QTE where Cyric appears to you in the form of an omniscient child, where he would calmly explain that the essence was never really yours to begin with and that he's going to blow it up. You get to pick the color of the explosion. The writers would self-congratulate for days about the integrity and courage of their ending.*
*Consequently Amelyssan gains heroic status for being the final enemy who tried to stop you from seeing the ending.
I had nothing to do with this, by the way. Though I did make this, which is a mod which adds some BG-style sporadic commentary to your followers.
'Scuse me, I think my brain needs more bullets to process that possible reality.
22. Multiplayer would be just as painful to set up as it was in the original timeline, if not worse.
And doesn't count the fact that now there are games in development like BG and such (Pillars of Eternity and Tides of Numenera F.I.) because if Baldur's Gate saga, Icewind Dale and Planescape: Torment shouldn't have existed, PoE and ToN with great probability would have never been developed.
So I add this to the list:
19: It would be bad. Too bad.
25. The first achievement would be "A helping hand - Retrieved Phyllidia's Book" - 100 gamerpoints.
That's Boobonia de Boob
1) Jaheira/Viconia/Aerie/Imoen Nude Mod
2) Final Fantasy Weapons Pack
3) Custom Portrait/Soundset Crack [26.5 the game would not ship with the ability to do this]
4) Sexy Immersive Slayer
5) Speed Metal Music Replacement mod [this mod gets removed within 24 hours and the uploader is banned for copyright infringement]
27. Pewdiepie Let's Play.
29. NPCs with something to say would have an exclamation mark over their heads (or a dollar sign for merchants)
30. There would be a visual marker for Area of Effect spells
31. Items that belongs to others would be highlighted so you would know if taking them is considered stealing or not
32. Dead companions will simply get up, fully healed, at the end of each battle
For real man. Would I lie?
Umm. Why do her breasts have their own zip code?
35. A CHARNAME would be able to become a vampire no matter what his\her race is.
36. There would be as many as 3 races available for a CHARNAME, with as many as 3 classes to play: fighter, thief and mage.
37. Having female characters would be advertised as a bonus.
38. It would be published by...*shudder* EA.
39. The dialogue system would be voiced with three choices: Asshole, snarky asshole or Jesus.
41. There would be trading cards.
42. You would have to be online to play the single-player part of the game.
43. There would be no LAN (or in BGEE's case TCP/IP) option.
44. There would be no epilogues. Or if there were any they would only come in a post-release patch after fans complain.
46. All the dialog in the game would be voiced, except instead of adding more VoiceOver they would just take out all the words that are not voiced already.
47. The viconia romance would start with her taking off all her clothes as soon as you untie her from the bonfire, regardless of your race or gender, and then she would remember that's there are fanatics trying to kill her and you would fend them off butt naked with weirdly sexual martial arts moves.
48. As soon as you get out of Irenicus' dungeon, Jahiera would celebrate by making out with you.
49. Serevok would be the hardest battle In The game. He would have 45 hit points.
50. You could specialize in flail, sword, sneak, magic, or bow.
52. There would be two interrupts. Evil, and Good.
53. There would be four difficulties: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Insane.
54. On insane difficulty, Shank can and will one-shot the protagonist.
55. The Awesome Button would be a prominent feature.
56. Coran would only romance females. Males are not worthy of his affections.
57. Xan would only romance an Elven Abdel or Abdella. No Exceptions.
58. Viconia can and will perform Lebomancy with an Abdella of any race, and have Abdella's child.
59. Aerie is now only romancible by Abdella.
60. Most fans would prefer Abdella, because her voice actor is better than Abdel's.
64. Then in an outcry of how horrible the ending was, a free DLC will be made that adds a fourth option. This fourth option lets you decline all the other endings, and you get smote by Cyric.
65. Also, in the epilogue sliders will be so bugged that no matter what romance interest you picked, it will say how much Abdel/Abdella loved Kivan. I blame @bengoshi for this one.