Heart on my sleeve
Hey y'all,
I feel like a lot of you folks have been very good to me and very supportive and just generally pleasant, so you deserve something of an explanation as to why I have been extremely absent.
The past half year of my life has been … hectic, to say the least. I've discovered my passion and seemingly lost it again, I've been through three different break ups, I've been betrayed by some of my (former) best friends in truly horrible fashion, I had to quite suddenly leave the university I'd attended for a year and a half, and a couple of incidents (involving said former friends) left me with post-traumatic stress disorder, which I am still unfortunately dealing with. Things have been emotionally insurmountable despite the comfort I live in. (Welcome to the 21st century, I guess, lol)
Because of this, you can probably imagine how little has been accomplished concerning @CrevsDaak and I's mod during this time. A little progress has been made, but it's not much. It's another setback. There have been a lot of setbacks in my life, and honestly it feels like every time I build myself up again I am hammered down with reality checks.
After everything that went down last semester at school, I returned home and went back to working at the local ice cream shop, and was quickly promoted to a shift leader. I began feeling semi-comfortable again, and building myself up, I found a wonderful woman who seems like she's truly right for me. She makes me happy, and I her.
I have to go back to school to finish my BA in journalism, and now it's completely possible that schooling could take me physically away from her for a couple of years. Or we could end up going to schools that are close by, if we're lucky. Sure, not the end of the world, but not easy either. This has recently put a lot of stress on me and worries me day and night, honestly. I also don't even feel like going back to school (thus the "discovered my passion and seemingly lost it again" clause), but I know I need to.
I know a lot of the people on this forum are older than I, so here's a genuine question: Are a person's early twenties usually rough like this? I have heard that they are, for many.
I've certainly done some lurking around here, but I've been reluctant to post. You all know me -- I tend to relate things to my personal experiences and relate that to everyone's experiences in some way or the other. In that way I'm a sharer, and verbally sharing is what my heart desires most. I was betrayed because I over-shared, confided in the wrong people. I've been mentally at odds with myself ever since, desiring to share but fearing doing so. I'm trying to open myself up again, and I suppose this thread is one of those steps.
Hopefully some day I can look back on this thread and laugh.
I feel like a lot of you folks have been very good to me and very supportive and just generally pleasant, so you deserve something of an explanation as to why I have been extremely absent.
The past half year of my life has been … hectic, to say the least. I've discovered my passion and seemingly lost it again, I've been through three different break ups, I've been betrayed by some of my (former) best friends in truly horrible fashion, I had to quite suddenly leave the university I'd attended for a year and a half, and a couple of incidents (involving said former friends) left me with post-traumatic stress disorder, which I am still unfortunately dealing with. Things have been emotionally insurmountable despite the comfort I live in. (Welcome to the 21st century, I guess, lol)
Because of this, you can probably imagine how little has been accomplished concerning @CrevsDaak and I's mod during this time. A little progress has been made, but it's not much. It's another setback. There have been a lot of setbacks in my life, and honestly it feels like every time I build myself up again I am hammered down with reality checks.
After everything that went down last semester at school, I returned home and went back to working at the local ice cream shop, and was quickly promoted to a shift leader. I began feeling semi-comfortable again, and building myself up, I found a wonderful woman who seems like she's truly right for me. She makes me happy, and I her.
I have to go back to school to finish my BA in journalism, and now it's completely possible that schooling could take me physically away from her for a couple of years. Or we could end up going to schools that are close by, if we're lucky. Sure, not the end of the world, but not easy either. This has recently put a lot of stress on me and worries me day and night, honestly. I also don't even feel like going back to school (thus the "discovered my passion and seemingly lost it again" clause), but I know I need to.
I know a lot of the people on this forum are older than I, so here's a genuine question: Are a person's early twenties usually rough like this? I have heard that they are, for many.
I've certainly done some lurking around here, but I've been reluctant to post. You all know me -- I tend to relate things to my personal experiences and relate that to everyone's experiences in some way or the other. In that way I'm a sharer, and verbally sharing is what my heart desires most. I was betrayed because I over-shared, confided in the wrong people. I've been mentally at odds with myself ever since, desiring to share but fearing doing so. I'm trying to open myself up again, and I suppose this thread is one of those steps.
Hopefully some day I can look back on this thread and laugh.
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Comments
As an elder statesman at the ripe old age of 27, soon to be 28 (get off my lawn!), I will speak to your academic and professional issues, as well as your love life, by giving you my own "where I started" and "where I am now".
Where I started
When I was young, it was always assumed that I would go to medical school. My family has a practice, and it was always just assumed that i would one day continue it. When I went to college, I majored in History (which I loved) and took all the pre-med requirements (which I loathed). It was miserable taking the science courses (about 2 per semester). I hated it. I did okay in my science courses (mostly B+s with two As, a C and a B- mixed in) but it was an absolute struggle. I went to General Chemistry I a total of two times, and General Chemistry II once.
I had a girlfriend for a semester and a half, but we broke up and that was terrible. I got my first C that semester in Physics, so I know how bad relationship problems can be when it comes to school. My struggles with the sciences continued. I had trouble paying attention in sciences. I wouldn't do anything all semester and then pull an all nighter for every exam.
I had zero passion for any of it. I tried hard to convince myself it was for me, but I knew it wasn't. However, I was stubborn and knew what my family expected of me, so I continued down that path. When I eventually applied to Med School, I heard everyone tell me that "you need to want this in order to do it. If you don't love it, you will not succeed". I didn't listen. What did they know? I never loved it but still got by with decent grades, I could do this. I decided to listen and instead of going to school in Tallahassee I decided to go to my other choice, in the Caribbean, thinking it would be an easier path.
As I went into Med School I was very confident. However, the work drained me. Everyone else would study and be enthusiastic about learning. They loved solving problems. I HATED it. I hated every second, and the fact that other people enjoyed it was insane to me. I felt like I was a total weirdo, and began having doubts that I could do it.
My lack of passion lead me to fail one class my first trimester. This is not supposedly a big deal, the average student fails two classes in the course of the five trimesters, and I could recover. However, I knew inside that it was tough. I decided to stick with it. A big reason: I met the love of my life. Having someone who I knew was the one after only a couple months of dating was a big relief, and the only joy I had in school. We moved in together after 5 months, and spent a year together in a small apartment. Somehow we were not sick of each other. Clearly we were meant to be.
However, when I failed another class in my third trimester I began to worry. I decided to transfer to another school in order to have a blank slate, as failing 4 more credits would mean I was done after only being a little over 50% through. I transferred, but Florida State wouldn't take me anymore, so I went to another school in the Caribbean. I should have quit then, since I know I didn't want to do it, but I was stubborn. I kept saying that I have already come this far, I cannot possibly go back now.
During this time I had a long term relationship, and that was perfect. It was the one thing great in my life. We skyped EVERY night, and even studied together while on skype. She would do her thing, I would do mine, but we'd both be *together* over the web. We'd island hop once every six weeks to spend a weekend together, which we treasured so much. I also joined this forum at the time, which was nice.
But school? It felt like torture. I can't even begin to express how bad it was.
I gained 45 pounds over the course of three years total. I spent all day studying or procrastinating. I was in the middle of a beautiful island in the Caribbean, but spent every waking hour inside reading notes on my laptop, struggling to maintain my focus. The sun was always out, but I was pale as hell.
I eventually finished up my basic sciences, but I decided, finally, that this was not for me. I looked at the USMLE exam (medical licensing test) and decided that I had to get out now before I dedicate six more years to this. Nothing sounded worse than 6 years in hospitals at that point.
I was depressed as shit. I felt as though my youth was robbed from me. My early 20s were supposed to be a vibrant time, but they were miserable. Between gaining weight and studying all day, I felt like I was 35 already. I felt old. My early 20s f*cking sucked and they were never coming back.
I came home and decided to take some time off. I opened up a new medical office in a nearby city, with a lot of help from my dead. With two offices, we made good money, and I worked long hours taking blood and doing minor medical things that I was allowed to do. I didn't hate it as much, since it was only basics and running a business has fun challenges, but eventually I decided to do what I loved. It helped that my girlfriend (soon to be fiance this summer!) was continuing with medicine and would be available to take over the office when she finished up. We had a long distance thing going, but we skyped EVERY night, and we would continue to study together. Eventually she moved to Long Island in NY, which was about an hour away from home, so I would see her every other weekend. With her finishing up, I could finally follow my dream of doing something that I enjoy, something that comes natural to me.
So I took the LSATs and applied to law school in my home state of Connecticut. I was accepted with a pretty big scholarship! This was very reaffirming to me, as I was always a below average student in Med School but felt very competitive in law. I started last August and got great grades my first semester. However, what was most important was that I LOVED what I was studying. It was an incredibly joyous feeling to actually have a passion for what I was reading. Studying topics that captured my attention was a very welcome change. Also, I'm pretty good at this, unlike medicine.
My soon-to-be-fiance (love saying that) moved to a hospital about an hour from here, and we see each other every weekend. Yay! To highlight how much I love what I do, today I picked classes. Unlike medical school, where every day was a hectic, stressful nightmare, my most stressful day was today. You've probably seen why on my Facebook status:
I can't decide what classes to take because I love EVERYTHING
I have decided now what I'm taking next semester, and I am looking forward to starting it. I am also looking forward to proposing this summer. I have never been happier. My academic, professional and personal life are now all in order.
All this after an absolute awful time academically from 21-25.
Morals of the story:
Finally: dude, you are still young. What are you, 21? You haven't even started life. So much more positive you have to look forward to. You will meet so many more people. Also, now that you are studying something you currently have a passion for, you will meet people who share your interests, and that often creates great friendships. If you have someone you miss, that means you have someone you like a lot. That alone is more than many people have. Enjoy your relationship, and make sure to share your experiences with your girl. She will appreciate having parts of your day. Snapchat is the greatest invention ever for this.
Overall, keep your head up young buck, your problems ain't unique, which means you aren't in big trouble. Many people have felt that way, its part of growing up. The adjustment from high school to the real world is not an easy one, but its not supposed to be. You got this.
Agree 100%. I was lucky not to experience what you lads are describing but I think that 21 is only the beginning. And mind you, not 25 or even 30 are not the beginning as well.
The life can change very quickly.
Remember your own life, @Quartz , from 2 or 3 years. Had it been something like what you experienced 1 year ago? Had it been something like what you experienced a month ago?
Any negative experience will make you stronger.
One moment you're graduating high school, enveloped in the dreams and aspirations of your youth, laughing at your student president giving an emotional farewell speech, filled to the brim with promises that you and your classmates will tackle life head-on and make all your goals come true.
Then reality hits.
You find out that college problem you've been accepted has an almost non-existent job pool. Your boyfriend or girlfriend has decided to go to a school different from you, and you're likely never to see them again. You search and search and search for a job that matches your horridly low skillset, until you're sure that no one will hire you. All the while, you're watching your friends find their perfect careers, get married, have children, succeed and thrive where you seem to have slumped and stopped.
This is normal.
No matter what your situation, no matter how good you may or may not have it when you're first starting out, everyone goes through feelings like this. The early twenties are all about experimentation. Self-exploration. Figuring out what you really want to do, what kind of adult you want to be, where you want your life to lead you. It's a torrential change to your old, sheltered, high-school life, and most of the time, nothing turns out quite the way you planned it.
Some examples: I always went through high school thinking I'd go to college. A four-year preferably, and leave with a BA in English. I thought it would help me with my writing, and I'd go from there with a successful career as a novelist without needing to work a day in my life.
Oh, the naivete.
By the time I became a senior in high school, I decided to apply to community college to get my AA degree, which I did. But after I graduated there, I ran out of money. I had no scholarships. Financial aid gave me squat. And as the years rolled by, college tuition rates kept climbing and climbing and climbing. I'd already watched several friends of mine almost ruin their lives by dropping out of college and landing themselves in thousands of dollars in debt; I knew I didn't want that for me. Plus, after researching, I realized that BA in English really... It wouldn't do me much. The job market for language-type degrees keeps shrinking, even now. Why spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars for a degree that may or may not give me a job?
So I gave up.
I don't know when or if I'll ever go back to school again. I want to, but the money just isn't there.
So instead, I decided I wanted to work. I looked, and looked, but job-searching just isn't that easy for a community college grad with zero experience. I don't know what it's like in other countries, but in the U.S., no one gives a flying flip how much schooling you have. It's all about experience, experience, experience.
It took me almost two years to snag my first job as a part-time, minimum-wage retail worker. I have nothing but respect and empathy for people on the search who also have rent and car and kids to pay and feed. I was very fortunate that my parents have let me live with them for free all this time, when so many other people my age were kicked to the curb upon graduating high school, including my own boyfriend.
Since then, I've worked my ass off. I've grown distant with many of my closest friends, but at the same time, I've forged bonds with new ones. I've learned more about my own writing in the past couple years than I might never have learned in a classroom. I've found a career I want to move up in, something I thought I'd never have before. I'm slowly becoming independent, and I'll get to start looking at finding my own place in the next year, another extremely hectic change. I've learned that dreams never die; they only transform with us through life.
So I guess the point of this wall of text is, the twenties are rough on everyone. They're a tumultuous time of change and abandon, but they're not all bad. Even after the darkest storms, the sky always clears and the sun always shines.
Sorry that you've been going through such hard times. But I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say: we're very glad to hear from you again!
WHY do you have to do this?
Yes because of everything that is asked of you:
You're now an adult, you have to start acting like one. You need to go to college. You need to start having responsibilities. You need to move out of your parent's house. You need to get a decent career. You need to find a life partner. No more kid stuff. And if you don't do all of these things, you are failing at life!
When you are forced into that mentality, that pressure, life becomes shitty. You start sacrificing the things that make you happy for things that you are suppose to do. In reality, a person should do the opposite.
Grasp onto the things that have a positive effect in your life, and grow them. Discover what you are truly passion about and attempt to adjust your future to revolve around them.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't take steps into adulthood, but you just don't need to leap into it all at once.
Well, I do think it is important to read about people who were in your position but overcame it. I very much related to Quartz's issues, and felt very much the same when I was his age. I think it is helpful to learn from people who have had similar experiences yet ended up fine.
Doing some reading on the subject might give you some tools to help you get through it.
I wish I knew some specific resources, and I wish I could help better. But here's a Google search for "quarter life crisis help" to get you started, if you're interested in using some reading, psychology, and advice from various sources to help you cope:
https://www.google.com/search?q=quarter+life+crisis+help&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
Yeah, sounds right. I was working for the school newspaper, and newspaper is far from my favorite type of journalism and I even managed to enjoy that in the midst of hating it at times. This is why I'm sure it's a good choice for me. And the digital news stuff? Even better.
Side note: I went ahead and talked to boo personally about this one 'cuz I can't really share too many details in public. Long story short: I forgave them once and that ended up being the worst choice I could've made. I'm in the process of trying to forgive said people in my heart without actually physically reconciling with them so that I don't become a bitter man. It would be extremely unwise on a very practical level to talk to them again for at least half a decade, if not more. I'm not certain of too many things in life, but this much I am certain of.
Thanks @Nonnahswriter. I enjoyed reading your wall of text.
Really insightful post, thanks. Yeah. I think a large part of my problem is I saw what my older sibling did, and didn't want to do that. He got hitched right out of high school (just now got divorced after an up and down ten years with said partner), and just sort of did everything he felt like and hasn't gotten much anywhere in life. Meanwhile I'm a people-pleaser, I'm trying to do the right thing by my parents and everybody else. Gotta be a balance, I suppose.
I do know that I am passionate about my friendships, my current romantic relationship (I should hope so, rofl), and yes, studying journalism.
Right now I'm having to decide where I'm going to transfer to and well … you know that bit I just said about being a people-pleaser? My mom wants me to go to a certain school, and we just visited it, and I met with the department and it was good, seems like a solid school, but I just wasn't feeling it. It's hard to know if my mind just wasn't in it or what, but I had a hard time getting excited. Now later this week I'm going to visit a school I've been more personally interested in, but of course my mom has been passively trying to dissuade me and will surely continue to.
I won't know until I visit and meet the journalism department and get a feel for their program, but if it's good then there's the fact that it's a good school, not as big of a student body (large student bodies intimidate me), and the bonus that I might get to live with my girlfriend come January. The stars could fairly easily align there.
Thankfully my dad is keeping an open mind -- he's the primary curator of college funds.
I really have amazing parents, which is why I have no particular desire to disobey anything they ever tell me. I'm a pretty subservient guy I guess, because I desire consensus.
The choice is obvious if I want to "follow my passions." But the thing is, the school my mom wants me to go to is more prestigious, so it's not like that's a bad pick at all.
I'm still waiting for word from that particular school. To be completely transparent, I'm sort of hoping they reject me so that I don't have to pick at all. That's how much I hate making decisions and contradicting *anyone.*
Really appreciate that, @Shandyr. Yeah hahaha that saying doesn't help much. Everyone suffers in some way or another, and it's very real to that person. *Shrug* Doesn't make one's own suffering any less real, even if it is relatively "less."
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Thank you @BelgarathMTH, I'll do some reading up on the subject.
If I can give anyone any advice with my limited wisdom, it is not to be like this if you can.
I dunno if you've ever hear of the book "Think And Grow Rich" by Napolean Hill. This guy pretty much interviewed the big time financial successes of the 1920s and 30s and tried to find out what made them so successful. It is supposed to be a big mystery and big reveal at the end, but I'll spoil it for you.
It is being decisive. In everything.
As you can see from my personal story, indecisiveness hurt me in choosing a career. I read Think And Grow Rich years ago, but it has been on my mind lately (past year or so). I've made an active effort to be much more decisive now, in literally everything I do.
It is the biggest stress relief in the world. I think you'll be surprised at how good you are at making quick (and, this is key, decisive) decisions based on your gut. The biggest part is not being torn by doubt after you make it. You decided, you live with it, deal with it and move on.
It is beyond stressful thinking about choices forever and second guessing yourself. That takes a psychological toll on you, is draining, and can make you sluggish. Well, at least it did for me. If you make an active effort not to linger on things, I think you might have more clarity.
Yes, early twenties are rough for lot of people. I ham experiencing something similar to what you are experiencing right now. The difference is I have to little friends to experience some betrayars (and having girlfriends is far out of my reach), and you're much more liked than me on this forum, so you'll at least will recieve some support.
You mentioned the notion of being in long-distance relationship for even few years, yes? Those kind of relationships require much patience and faithfulness, they are difficult. But I believe they are really good trail for both of you. If this girl is truly for you, your relationship would endure. And even if it didn't, the experience itself is something you can learn from.
Now, what you are experiencing is probably related to quarter-life crisis. A lot of people are going thorugh this. And many of those people are able to endure it and deal with it. I wish you do as well. All in all, even quarter-life crisis has it's perks. It's a good trail to test and hone your character, after all.
Good luck to you.
Hey!
I like you.
I will give you the same advice that I once gave to @bengoshi .
If you want to increase your forum status, and to make friends here who feel very respectful and affectionate towards you, and you want lots of likes, insightfuls, and agrees, then be very, very generous in giving them yourself.
People remember people who give them approval. If you give out as much sincere approval and affirmation to others as you are able, people will start to remember you, to like you, and to give *you* lots of sincere approval and affirmation.
Thank you for your response, but I think the purpose of my post has been misinterpreted. By saying that @Quartz is much more liked here than I am, I implied that therefore he has more, let's call them that, "resources" for dealing with his troubles than I do. And that's something positive for him. I also wanted to express that I understand what he goes through, as I am experiencing something similar as well. Even if I cannot be really useful (as other users already gave out some well good replies), the least I can do is let him know that I understand and symphatize with him.
Your advices are good. But even so, I don't mean ammount of reaction on the post or likes of that. Number of likes means little to none for me. I am also afraid that I don't have too much time to spare making relations with people here due to certain circumstances. I don't want to get further into this and believe me, you don't want to.
Let's focus on @Quartz instead.
Honestly, there's no 'right' way to live your life, nor is there a wrong way (well, unless you're a serial killer). Like most people, I've spent most of my adult life (all seven years of it) jumping about from one minimum wage job to the next, trying to find something that suits me most. Friendships are difficult to come by, and even harder to keep, especially since everybody's moving and doing their own thing. I'm glad to read that you're working on forgiveness for those who wronged you. Holding a grudge is bad for your health and self esteem. I tried it once. It wasn't worth the stress.
The only other thing I can say is to just do what seems best to you. The best way to learn things is by doing things. I once threw a potato at my boss just to see what would happen. He was a cool guy, so he just laughed and shook his head. For the record, I wouldn't recommend throwing potatoes at your girlfriend, unless she's into that kind of thing. I'm sure there's a fetish for that somewhere. Maybe.