Wine of the Angles: This strange flask of wine is clearly from Amn, although various affectations on the label clearly attempt to make it appear more exotic than it really is. The flask never runs dry making booze ever available, though the taste is unappealing and leaves the imbiber with a crushing hangover. Despite the obvious benefits, after having been experienced the flask is frequently discarded. 4gp.
Make it work like a Decanter of Endless Water and I'm sold. "You flooded the dungeon with cheap wine. The orks have drowned and the evil dwarven craftsmen are hungover."
Scroll of Summon: Flash Mob. Use of this scroll will port in 5-50 (depending on caster level) identically dressed male and female civilians who will immediately begin a choreographed dance routine or a rendition of a popular drinking song.
To go along with silly D&D immaturity, In 3.5, I'd pencil in "Improved Snatch" in a few creature's status blocks where I felt Hackmaster would have wanted it. Yes, that is a real feat in 3.5. Feats were kinda an expanded use of earlier "non weapon proficiencies" for those not familiar. Some creatures could use one to make their snatch more formidable.
Ring of one-handedness- Allows wearer to only use one-handed weapon and no shield, because the other hand is constantly... busy. Yeah, yeah, "busy", that's it, that's the ticket... Not cursed, but extremely hard to give up.
Wand of Mirth- Makes target laugh hysterically for one round. Repeated uses of the wand can result in the target losing bladder control, falling to the floor and rolling back and forth, kicking legs spastically while laughing. Prevents all combat and spellcasting by target.
Wand of Girth- Makes the target creature gain 100 pounds instantly with a loud "BLORP!" noise. Can be removed with a Remove Curse spell.
Wand of Birth- Makes the target instantly 9 months and 2 weeks pregnant. Works on both men and women- but men are traumatized after use. You don't want to know where the baby comes out...
Wand of Minor Mirror Images- Creates several "Mini-Me"s of the target. As a Mirror Image spell, but duplicates are only 2 1/2' tall.
Wand of Stoning- Point it at someone and they become easily distracted and mellow. After the effect wears off, they will be unusually hungry. Adds "Far out!" and "Man!" to the target's vocabulary.
Ring of one-handedness- Allows wearer to only use one-handed weapon and no shield, because the other hand is constantly... busy. Yeah, yeah, "busy", that's it, that's the ticket... Not cursed, but extremely hard to give up.
Be careful with that ring. It is cursed and causes blindness.
@Permidion_Stark Also not helpful for thieves... you're always caught "red-handed" And then there's the one spell whose material components is super-spicy food. "Melf's Napalm Shits" Burns down every privy.
@LadyRhian Apparently Aganazzar's Scorcher isn't just a spell, it's a curry that's on sale at The Blade and Stars (which appropriately enough is on Windspell Street)
To go along with silly D&D immaturity, In 3.5, I'd pencil in "Improved Snatch" in a few creature's status blocks where I felt Hackmaster would have wanted it. Yes, that is a real feat in 3.5. Feats were kinda an expanded use of earlier "non weapon proficiencies" for those not familiar. Some creatures could use one to make their snatch more formidable.
Now my mind is uncomfortably lingering around "Vagina Dentata".
Bigby's Pimpslap hand: Upon uttering the vocal component "Where's my money bitch?" A ringed disembodied hand pimp slaps the target giving the caster 10d10 gold.
Hand of Wedgies- Gives the target a heinous wedgie right through any clothes or armor- 1 point of damage and target talks funny for 5 in-game minutes
Shoes of Pinching- Seems like Boots of Speed until worn, then they reduce your speed to 1/4 normal. Can only be removed with the Remove Curse spell.
Armor of Apparent Unfitness- Makes wearer appear to have gained between 100-200lbs. No actual effect, but the NPCs will call you "Chubs", "Chubby", "Thunder Thighs" "Lord/Lady Fatness" or "Land Whale" when speaking to a character in this armor. The only good effect is that it makes your opponents underestimate your combat prowess- gives you +1 to hit.
Dribble potions- a normal potion held in a container that will make it dribble out when you attempt to drink it. Takes twice as long to drink as a normal potion.
It seems like the Armor of Unfitness would give people hitting you, say, 5% chance to automatically miss your guy. Because you are actually a few inches skinnier than you appear.
I have another one- Potion of Pain- looks like a normal potion, but is really the world's hottest hot sauce. You drink it all? PAIN. Dribble it on the food when you have someone who can't cook- makes it palatable.
Spoon of Farina- when invoked, fills your bowl with porridge having the taste and consistency of library paste. On one hand, it's nutritious and filling. But it's bland and tasteless. Just a few short days of living on the food from the spoon, and your character will seriously consider letting the monsters kill him rather than having to eat the Farina again. Among adventurers in the know, this is also known as "The Spoon of Pap" or "The Spoon of BabyFood".
Decanter of Endless Beer- A tankard that refills itself when requested. The Command Words are "More beer!"
Wand of Stoning- Leaves Monsters and opponents in a blissed out but hungry state. Creates clouds of strange smelling smoke that leave humanoids and monsters giggly and non-violent.
The Jimi Experience- This wand causes hallucinations of lights, sounds and colors that causes the victims to become nauseous and unable to stand, while they hear loud, mostly discordant noises that interfere with thinking. Crawling on the floor and losing their lunch is guaranteed. Effect lasts 20 rounds. 1 in 5 such activations lead to a "bad trip" where the hallucinations actively seek to harm the victim and they are subjected to purely mental torture by their own minds and memories.
The Unkindest Cut- a Dagger that, in addition to normal damage, leaves another wound on the body in a place not touched by its blade, somewhere extremely painful, but not lethal in the slightest- soles of the feet, back of the neck, across the kidneys, down a finger... Victim is reminded of the wound every time he or she coughs or moves.
Comments
Only usable by bards
Girdle of Hermafrodity:
- Females who wear this are no longer immune to the Wand of fireballs.
- Males who wear this may use the Bra of distraction.
Wand of Girth- Makes the target creature gain 100 pounds instantly with a loud "BLORP!" noise. Can be removed with a Remove Curse spell.
Wand of Birth- Makes the target instantly 9 months and 2 weeks pregnant. Works on both men and women- but men are traumatized after use.
Wand of Minor Mirror Images- Creates several "Mini-Me"s of the target. As a Mirror Image spell, but duplicates are only 2 1/2' tall.
Wand of Stoning- Point it at someone and they become easily distracted and mellow. After the effect wears off, they will be unusually hungry. Adds "Far out!" and "Man!" to the target's vocabulary.
Shoes of Pinching- Seems like Boots of Speed until worn, then they reduce your speed to 1/4 normal. Can only be removed with the Remove Curse spell.
Armor of Apparent Unfitness- Makes wearer appear to have gained between 100-200lbs. No actual effect, but the NPCs will call you "Chubs", "Chubby", "Thunder Thighs" "Lord/Lady Fatness" or "Land Whale" when speaking to a character in this armor. The only good effect is that it makes your opponents underestimate your combat prowess- gives you +1 to hit.
Dribble potions- a normal potion held in a container that will make it dribble out when you attempt to drink it. Takes twice as long to drink as a normal potion.
I have another one- Potion of Pain- looks like a normal potion, but is really the world's hottest hot sauce. You drink it all? PAIN. Dribble it on the food when you have someone who can't cook- makes it palatable.
Spoon of Farina- when invoked, fills your bowl with porridge having the taste and consistency of library paste. On one hand, it's nutritious and filling. But it's bland and tasteless. Just a few short days of living on the food from the spoon, and your character will seriously consider letting the monsters kill him rather than having to eat the Farina again. Among adventurers in the know, this is also known as "The Spoon of Pap" or "The Spoon of BabyFood".
Decanter of Endless Beer- A tankard that refills itself when requested. The Command Words are "More beer!"
When you fail so hard that your own hand is not enough to facepalm.
Returning Throwing Axe
When thrown at the enemy, the owner return to the axe.
Pike of delicious Marshmallow
Allows you to always succeed in cooking the marshmallow on the spear.
Katana of Seppuku
The wearer gets the sudden urge to end his days honorably with Seppuku.
Pants of holding
Because sometimes you don't have the time to find a place to take a s***
Only available to Chaotic Evil schoolboys.
The Jimi Experience- This wand causes hallucinations of lights, sounds and colors that causes the victims to become nauseous and unable to stand, while they hear loud, mostly discordant noises that interfere with thinking. Crawling on the floor and losing their lunch is guaranteed. Effect lasts 20 rounds. 1 in 5 such activations lead to a "bad trip" where the hallucinations actively seek to harm the victim and they are subjected to purely mental torture by their own minds and memories.
The Unkindest Cut- a Dagger that, in addition to normal damage, leaves another wound on the body in a place not touched by its blade, somewhere extremely painful, but not lethal in the slightest- soles of the feet, back of the neck, across the kidneys, down a finger... Victim is reminded of the wound every time he or she coughs or moves.