(a wild mage with a greatsword, yellow-purple-plaid elven chainmail and a top hat asks, apropos of nothing and appearing out of a brilliant display of green sparkles)
- offtopic - Welcome to the BGEE forums, where each and every good story and pop-cultural reference gets subverted, inverted, averted, chewed, lost, found, partially digested, spat out and stretched over a giant hedgehog.
@Anduin...I love the way Morpheus desperately tries to stick to the script and struggles with his "This-time-not-the-chosen-one" counterpart totally crashing the setup left and right. - offtopic -
Something was missing. Eyelar gazed around nervously; he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was at first, mainly because he had no fingers. Despite also not having ears, he finally figured it out. It was the silence. The dead silence. No tick, no tock, no tick tock.
*Morpheus and Anduin are walking down a seamlessly endless corridor*
So where are we going Morpheus?
Where you need to be...
Where's that?
Where ever you want to be...
Where's that?
Where ever you wish to be...
Where's that?
*Morpheus pauses, turns and presses his forhead into the bridge of Anduin's nose whilst lifting his Gnome frame visibly from the floor...*
Look little man... Have you considered... Even thought... Even enlightened yourself of the possibility that the reason that I am walking down this corridor... AT SPEED! Is to get my sorry arse away from you?
No?
*Morpheus drops Anduin. Gives a glare enough to wither an @OneAngryMushroom . Turns on his heel and walks onwards*
So.... Where are we going?
*Morpheus begins to run, Anduin starts to give chase*
*Morpheus and Anduin are walking down a seamlessly endless corridor*
*Morpheus drops Anduin. Gives a glare enough to wither an @OneAngryMushroom . Turns on his heel and walks onwards*
Don't click me, Morpheus! I've just been standing here the whole time eating popcorn. It's just as likely that @Anduin walked through a cloud of my hallucinogenic spores. Speaking of which, Isn't about time you woke up @Anduin. *turns into spores and floats away on a breeze*
"What is known?" asked the High Mage from Cowled Wizards.
*(Fancy, isn't it? Just jumping into action without any long explanations or setting up the scene by describing the setup and the characters, which is a very tiresome and unrewarding task. The film-makers do it all the time.)*
"Naught, but their names. Some of them, at least. The big Beholder is @KidCarnival. Behind him is an Illithid with broccoli-food-poisoning, a doped Myconid @OneAngryMushroom, some hamster named @booinyoureyes, the Wild Mage dressed like a Jester struggling with a two-hander is @LordRumfish. The worried black man should be Morpheus and the little Gnome chasing him around the Beholder is @Anduin. The girl with delusions of grandeur is @CrevsDaak"
"I killed you all with my epic spell!" explained @CrevsDaak. "SILENCE ALMOST-IMOEN. And you, tell me where is the BOMB and the dancer!?" interrupted her @KidCarnival.
*(The filmmakers use this sudden change literally all-the-time. It's edgy, cool and easy. Then why shouldn't we use it too?)*
"Why was this man not gagged?" asked the High Mage, poison dripping from his words.
"Well...we did not have any gag that big. And when we tried to use a blanket, he just ate it with the novice that stood near. And besides...they came willingly. ...they actually BROKE IN! Into Spellhold!"
"What should be done with them?" "They are deviants. Let them rot in Spellhold."
"BUT THAT'S WHY WE SEIZED THEM! THEY TRIED TO BREAK IN!"
"...this is something we have not anticipated..."
*(We aren't any worse than the snobby filmmakers. We can use these tricks too, should we decide so! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!)*
Hey now, moi does not "struggle" with a two-hander! I earned the right to wield it fair 'n square.
Y'see, I was doing the wild mage thing for a while, and it was all hunky-dory and pit fiends using death stare on squirrels, y'know, typical days.
But then I realized I could do so much more! I didn't need no stinking 9th circle spell slots when I could just use Nahal's Handy Helper to cast them! So I got 7th circle spells for Improved Chaos Ward and became... a thief.
It took a while, but eventually I learned how to Use Any Item and now I am the proud wielder of Carsomyr, although it keeps referring to itself as Lilarcor. ::shrug:: Anyhow, that's how I discovered that wild mage + dual class + thief = paladin! Turns out three wrongs make a right.
I think that's your bomb, there. *he points his sword towards @CrevsDaak 's kilt/skirt/loincloth*
AHEM I won't listen anymore the babbling of ignorant children. And, stop trying to look under my skirt. (Remember my Robe of Vecna, it look like a pink skirt, but it is a Robe of Vecna or a WA2ROBE.ITM) *Casts Improved Aclarity* *Casts Time Stop* *Casts Spell Immunity: Divination* *Casts Improved Invisibility: Self* *Runs away* *Runs more* *Runs till the end of the world* *Stop 2 feets before the end of the world* *Casts Improved Aclarity* *Casts Time Stop* *Casts Spell Immunity: Divination* *Casts Improved Invisibility: Self* *Rests (for 8 hours)* *Casts Improved Aclarity* *Casts Time Stop* *Casts Spell Immunity: Divination* *Casts Improved Invisibility: Self* *Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw * *Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw * *Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw * *Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw * *Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw * *Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish * *Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes * *Goes to dress up a little better* *Comes out of dressing room with the clothes an Elven Mage/Thief uses day-a-day in a pink almost inexistent lingerie* Now there is no need of trying to look UNDER my skirt. EDIT: 240 font size for the AHEM was a little bit exaggerated. Toned down to 40 :P
"We not break in! We come from future to save you!" the Beholder insisted. "Must save dancer to save world!" He gazed at the almost-Imoen @CrevsDaak, who just barely saved against the accidental Disintegration. "You are dancer, right?"
The Thayan gnome @Eudaemonium leaned over from the backpack to whisper something to the Beholder, who first rolled his eyes, then gazed thoughtfully upon the group in the room. "No͏, it͘ c͝a͠n't͢ b͏e. ҉We͘ ̴h̶a̡v̡e̡ n͘ot͏ ́m̧ade ̢a͞ny͝ ĻO̡S̡T r͞eferenc̢e̷s͟ in̨ thi̷ş ̕t́o͟pi͢c,͞ h͟o̧w̴ ҉co̕u͝l̶d she ̧be̛ m̧y̷ ̛h͡alf s̵i̡s͢t͡er?̴"͞The Thayan gnome sighed, then whispered something to the Beholder again. "͢I͡ see͠. B̵ut ̀I͘ ̛w̢e ̛have͢ to ͠do morę e͞x̷p͡e͜riments͘ to͟ ̧b͢e̕ s̢ùr̨e.̛"̢
MASTER, MORE INTRUDERS HAVE ENTERED THE COMPLEX! a golem informed the High Mage of the Cowled Wizards. The High Mage sighed. "I should have joined the army."
*Goes to dress up a little better* *Comes out of dressing room with the clothes an Elven Mage/Thief uses day-a-day in a pink almost inexistent lingerie* Now there is no need of trying to look UNDER my skirt.
I do see indeed! This makes sense now: you're in a state of quantum flux with gender. Too much meddling about with that girdle, I suspect. Something similar happened to me with a wild surge, but it returned to normal after a few years (and another wild surge). In your case, I think the flux state of your gender depends upon the time period, dimension, coexistent plane, and the perception of the one who views you. I see you as a pink-haired lady in this time and dimension and plane, for instance (and a rather attractive one too), but in your future timeline I see you as a man, and I'm pretty sure in a coexistent plane there is a tentacled creature that has bonded to your shadow-self and is feeding on your psychic energy.
They never told you about these possibilities when you started studying magic, did they? I *knew* the risks.
Incidentally I had Shield up, so all of those magic missiles you were calling Rune of Torment have had no effect. It was a spectacular light show though, one I would gladly attend again.
*looks around inside of @KidCarnival 's reality* Have I timeported again? Or is this an alternate reality? Bah, what's the difference? HEY, DO YOU INTRUDERS WANT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH?
* Southpaw threw a puzzled look at the Not-So-Imoen guy/girl desperately waving hands and trying to kill everyone else around. Then face-palms.*
Who let the power-gamer into the group?
(If you don't get the reference, it's this - DM of the Rings strip. In case you don't know this hilarious D&D parody detailing, why the plot of Lord of the Rings would not make a good D&D campaign, go here and start reading)
~offtopic~ So whats been happening while I've been away?
...
...
We now have a new team member called LEGO LASS ! ! !
How the heck am I gonna write him / her in to the story?
Oh well... I like a challenge... ~offtopic~
*Morpheus slows down his run... starts to walk, then pauses*
You are not going to stop following me are you?
Uhm... I'm not following I'm just asking you where we are going... ... So... ... Where are we going?
*Morpheus grimaces*
You are in a fantasy setting! Everything that surrounds you is a lie! You can decide that the walls are yellow, made out of candy or are decorated in priceless artworks. But why stop there! Why not imagine that the up is down and the down is up, why not remove gravity, why not make this corridor the throat of a ginormous beast, the barrel of a cannon, the subway for a train. DO whatever you want! But please... First explain... WHY IN THE NINE HELLs ARE YOU NOT EVEN PANTING ! THAT WAS A HARD RUN !
Mummies don't breathe. So anything I want?
*Morpheus rolls his eyes, knowing that Anduin is doing this already...*
Imagine your mind as containing building blocks, concentrate and put those blocks together and you will have created something. If you had decided on the real world, this would have been done for you.
...
Hey you piece of mummified crap, are you listening to me! You could imagine me having a nice cup of tea with my own harem if you like... (may as well get something outta this sorry ass day...)
*Morpheus ire is directed at the silent form of Anduin, who is sitting cross legged in meditative thought*
*POP*
Greetings. I am-
LEGO-LASS!
Errm... I am. Errr... Do I know you?
Yes my life thread was splayed, spliced with the life forces and ideas of others, I then cut your thread and stretched it to create your soul thus bringing about your creation!
No... hang on a minute!... That is a complete pile of doo doo~
Lego-Lass, my dear lady, shoot this man!
Wha~
*Thunk... Morpheus stares in bewilderment at the plastic arrow embedded in his chest before slowly crumpling and collapsing to the floor*
I disliked that task, but killing is a mans work. And this is what I am. A man. Then why did you call me a Lady? Can you not see that I am no weak, unintelligent woman, but a fine strapping male with pert buttocks. It is clear that as a man I would clearly know these things.
I am not one to argue, when magical research can decide the answer.
WHAT! I know I'm a man. Pure science can verify it! I am a male of the species! It is just an unfortunate name... Magical research... REALLY?
Very well... I have much misgivings about science, but if you wish to take this root we shall. Scientific method requires us to check your se~
I'll do the checking thank you!
*Sigh* Very well... When next we rest, please do a thorough check between your plastic legs, then come back to me with your findings... In the meantime we have a world to save...
*Anduin walks towards the end of the corridor. Lego-Lass, the chauvinistic, hot, lego lady, shrugs and follows...*
offtopic In German, it is rather popular to butcher the name Lego Lass to Lego Lass Das, which translates to "Lego, don't do that". Just food for thought here.
...and THIS posting, a Lego Legolass, has given me 2K likes. So glad I'm not on reddit; it would be so embarrassing to have a top comment without a herpes story.
Comments
(a wild mage with a greatsword, yellow-purple-plaid elven chainmail and a top hat asks, apropos of nothing and appearing out of a brilliant display of green sparkles)
Welcome to the BGEE forums, where each and every good story and pop-cultural reference gets subverted, inverted, averted, chewed, lost, found, partially digested, spat out and stretched over a giant hedgehog.
@Anduin...I love the way Morpheus desperately tries to stick to the script and struggles with his "This-time-not-the-chosen-one" counterpart totally crashing the setup left and right.
- offtopic -
"̸M̛Y̕ ͏C̢L̵O̧CKS! ͏WHE͢R̸E AR̸E͜ M͢Y C͢LOC͞K̕S̨?͟ ̵A͠n͜d̢ ͞w͢h̢y a̢r͏e ̷t̵h̴er҉e t͏h͜ǫse̕ ҉s͜te͟a͢mpu̸n͞k͟ g͟ogg̶l̡e͠s ev̡ęrywh̨e̢r̀e?̴!"
So where are we going Morpheus?
Where you need to be...
Where's that?
Where ever you want to be...
Where's that?
Where ever you wish to be...
Where's that?
*Morpheus pauses, turns and presses his forhead into the bridge of Anduin's nose whilst lifting his Gnome frame visibly from the floor...*
Look little man... Have you considered... Even thought... Even enlightened yourself of the possibility that the reason that I am walking down this corridor... AT SPEED! Is to get my sorry arse away from you?
No?
*Morpheus drops Anduin. Gives a glare enough to wither an @OneAngryMushroom . Turns on his heel and walks onwards*
So.... Where are we going?
*Morpheus begins to run, Anduin starts to give chase*
*turns into spores and floats away on a breeze*
;(
*(Fancy, isn't it? Just jumping into action without any long explanations or setting up the scene by describing the setup and the characters, which is a very tiresome and unrewarding task. The film-makers do it all the time.)*
"Naught, but their names. Some of them, at least. The big Beholder is @KidCarnival. Behind him is an Illithid with broccoli-food-poisoning, a doped Myconid @OneAngryMushroom, some hamster named @booinyoureyes, the Wild Mage dressed like a Jester struggling with a two-hander is @LordRumfish.
The worried black man should be Morpheus and the little Gnome chasing him around the Beholder is @Anduin.
The girl with delusions of grandeur is @CrevsDaak"
"I killed you all with my epic spell!" explained @CrevsDaak.
"SILENCE ALMOST-IMOEN. And you, tell me where is the BOMB and the dancer!?" interrupted her @KidCarnival.
*(The filmmakers use this sudden change literally all-the-time. It's edgy, cool and easy. Then why shouldn't we use it too?)*
"Why was this man not gagged?" asked the High Mage, poison dripping from his words.
"Well...we did not have any gag that big. And when we tried to use a blanket, he just ate it with the novice that stood near. And besides...they came willingly.
...they actually BROKE IN! Into Spellhold!"
"What should be done with them?"
"They are deviants. Let them rot in Spellhold."
"BUT THAT'S WHY WE SEIZED THEM! THEY TRIED TO BREAK IN!"
"...this is something we have not anticipated..."
*(We aren't any worse than the snobby filmmakers. We can use these tricks too, should we decide so! DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!)*
Rage's cool down.
Now, what we were talking, uh, yes, ABOUT, ABOUT THAT I AM MALE YOU...
Rage's cool down.
Let's do this quick and painful!
*Equips Robe of Vecna*
*Casts Improved Aclarity*
*Casts Lower Magic Resistance: Southpaw*
*Casts Lower Magic Resistance: Southpaw*
*Casts Lower Magic Resistance: Southpaw*
*Casts Lower Magic Resistance: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
*Casts Magic Missile: Southpaw*
That should do.
Or simply CHECK MAH PAGEH! And see WHAT AM I!!!!
Just joking, don't get offended.
Wild Surge: 48 random target: @CrevsDaak
Wild Surge: 7 target changes sex
problem solved
Bitch ya', AGAIN!!
Now, lets get a Dispel Magic and a Remove Curse.
Handsome Hamster walks by strutting his stuff.
Concentration Check: Failure
"how youuuuuu doin'?"
Y'see, I was doing the wild mage thing for a while, and it was all hunky-dory and pit fiends using death stare on squirrels, y'know, typical days.
But then I realized I could do so much more! I didn't need no stinking 9th circle spell slots when I could just use Nahal's Handy Helper to cast them! So I got 7th circle spells for Improved Chaos Ward and became... a thief.
It took a while, but eventually I learned how to Use Any Item and now I am the proud wielder of Carsomyr, although it keeps referring to itself as Lilarcor. ::shrug:: Anyhow, that's how I discovered that wild mage + dual class + thief = paladin! Turns out three wrongs make a right.
I think that's your bomb, there. *he points his sword towards @CrevsDaak 's kilt/skirt/loincloth*
I won't listen anymore the babbling of ignorant children.
And, stop trying to look under my skirt.
(Remember my Robe of Vecna, it look like a pink skirt, but it is a Robe of Vecna or a WA2ROBE.ITM)
*Casts Improved Aclarity*
*Casts Time Stop*
*Casts Spell Immunity: Divination*
*Casts Improved Invisibility: Self*
*Runs away*
*Runs more*
*Runs till the end of the world*
*Stop 2 feets before the end of the world*
*Casts Improved Aclarity*
*Casts Time Stop*
*Casts Spell Immunity: Divination*
*Casts Improved Invisibility: Self*
*Rests (for 8 hours)*
*Casts Improved Aclarity*
*Casts Time Stop*
*Casts Spell Immunity: Divination*
*Casts Improved Invisibility: Self*
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Southpaw *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @LordRumfish *
*Casts Rune of Torment: @Booinyoureyes *
*Goes to dress up a little better*
*Comes out of dressing room with the clothes an Elven Mage/Thief uses day-a-day in a pink almost inexistent lingerie*
Now there is no need of trying to look UNDER my skirt.
EDIT: 240 font size for the AHEM was a little bit exaggerated. Toned down to 40 :P
The Thayan gnome @Eudaemonium leaned over from the backpack to whisper something to the Beholder, who first rolled his eyes, then gazed thoughtfully upon the group in the room. "No͏, it͘ c͝a͠n't͢ b͏e. ҉We͘ ̴h̶a̡v̡e̡ n͘ot͏ ́m̧ade ̢a͞ny͝ ĻO̡S̡T r͞eferenc̢e̷s͟ in̨ thi̷ş ̕t́o͟pi͢c,͞ h͟o̧w̴ ҉co̕u͝l̶d she ̧be̛ m̧y̷ ̛h͡alf s̵i̡s͢t͡er?̴"͞The Thayan gnome sighed, then whispered something to the Beholder again. "͢I͡ see͠. B̵ut ̀I͘ ̛w̢e ̛have͢ to ͠do morę e͞x̷p͡e͜riments͘ to͟ ̧b͢e̕ s̢ùr̨e.̛"̢
MASTER, MORE INTRUDERS HAVE ENTERED THE COMPLEX! a golem informed the High Mage of the Cowled Wizards. The High Mage sighed. "I should have joined the army."
They never told you about these possibilities when you started studying magic, did they? I *knew* the risks.
Incidentally I had Shield up, so all of those magic missiles you were calling Rune of Torment have had no effect. It was a spectacular light show though, one I would gladly attend again.
*looks around inside of @KidCarnival 's reality* Have I timeported again? Or is this an alternate reality? Bah, what's the difference? HEY, DO YOU INTRUDERS WANT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH?
@Anduin shook his head. "No, not this time. It was Spellhold itself. I should have entered the damn numbers..."
A polar bear strolls through the room and disappears behind a curtain.
Then face-palms.*
Who let the power-gamer into the group?
(If you don't get the reference, it's this - DM of the Rings strip.
In case you don't know this hilarious D&D parody detailing, why the plot of Lord of the Rings would not make a good D&D campaign, go here and start reading)
http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=645
@booinyoureyes: Motion carried.
So whats been happening while I've been away?
...
...
We now have a new team member called LEGO LASS ! ! !
How the heck am I gonna write him / her in to the story?
Oh well... I like a challenge...
~offtopic~
*Morpheus slows down his run... starts to walk, then pauses*
You are not going to stop following me are you?
Uhm... I'm not following I'm just asking you where we are going...
...
So...
...
Where are we going?
*Morpheus grimaces*
You are in a fantasy setting! Everything that surrounds you is a lie! You can decide that the walls are yellow, made out of candy or are decorated in priceless artworks. But why stop there! Why not imagine that the up is down and the down is up, why not remove gravity, why not make this corridor the throat of a ginormous beast, the barrel of a cannon, the subway for a train. DO whatever you want! But please... First explain... WHY IN THE NINE HELLs ARE YOU NOT EVEN PANTING ! THAT WAS A HARD RUN !
Mummies don't breathe. So anything I want?
*Morpheus rolls his eyes, knowing that Anduin is doing this already...*
Imagine your mind as containing building blocks, concentrate and put those blocks together and you will have created something. If you had decided on the real world, this would have been done for you.
...
Hey you piece of mummified crap, are you listening to me! You could imagine me having a nice cup of tea with my own harem if you like... (may as well get something outta this sorry ass day...)
*Morpheus ire is directed at the silent form of Anduin, who is sitting cross legged in meditative thought*
*POP*
Greetings. I am-
LEGO-LASS!
Errm... I am. Errr... Do I know you?
Yes my life thread was splayed, spliced with the life forces and ideas of others, I then cut your thread and stretched it to create your soul thus bringing about your creation!
No... hang on a minute!... That is a complete pile of doo doo~
Lego-Lass, my dear lady, shoot this man!
Wha~
*Thunk... Morpheus stares in bewilderment at the plastic arrow embedded in his chest before slowly crumpling and collapsing to the floor*
I disliked that task, but killing is a mans work. And this is what I am. A man. Then why did you call me a Lady? Can you not see that I am no weak, unintelligent woman, but a fine strapping male with pert buttocks. It is clear that as a man I would clearly know these things.
I am not one to argue, when magical research can decide the answer.
WHAT! I know I'm a man. Pure science can verify it! I am a male of the species! It is just an unfortunate name... Magical research... REALLY?
Very well... I have much misgivings about science, but if you wish to take this root we shall. Scientific method requires us to check your se~
I'll do the checking thank you!
*Sigh* Very well... When next we rest, please do a thorough check between your plastic legs, then come back to me with your findings... In the meantime we have a world to save...
*Anduin walks towards the end of the corridor. Lego-Lass, the chauvinistic, hot, lego lady, shrugs and follows...*
...and THIS posting, a Lego Legolass, has given me 2K likes. So glad I'm not on reddit; it would be so embarrassing to have a top comment without a herpes story.