I STIIIIIIILL FLOOOOOOATING AAAAND DRUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!!!! THIS IS CREEEEVSDAAAAAK FLOOOOOAATING DRUUUUNK!!!! THIS IS CREEEEEVSDAAAAAK DRINKING ON THE SKYYYYY!!!!!!!! @LordRumfish I can sing for your TV show, also GOOOOOODBYEEE I WILL BE LEAAAAVING NOOOOOW!!!!!!!
Congratulations @KidCarnival you've won the fabulous JansenMatic Turnip Tinkerer! This handy device comes with every attachment you could conceivably need to process turnips, and included is a recipe book with 5000 of Ma Jansen's family recipes for turnip dishes! Listen to all of your favorite classics from the 90's on the optional 5-disc CD changer, including Stone Temple Pilots and Alanis Morissette!
This fabulous gift is valued at Door Number 3! Come back for our bonus round at the end, and thanks for playing.
@Anduin yesterday I saw something dressed in a red bathrobe, sitting down in my living room, and, here is the picture of what I first saw, I thought I was Thethoril! But I went closer to investigate, and IT WAS MUMMIFIED GNOMELICH INSIDE A CHRISTMAS BAG!!! (with a hat) Besides, I've saw a hamster with a hat, but that is getting more common each day. @booinyoureyes@KidCarnival@Sothpaw@LordRumfish the world has a mummified gnomelich out there, and he isn't in @Heindrich1988 's garden, he is in my living room! He awake like @ChildOfBhaal599 at the start of SoA!!! And don't try to upload a 32MB image to the forums, I had to tone it down to 600KB :P
*Anduin removes himself from epic hat to continue epic story*
What the hell was I on about again?
You were thinking about how you were going to defeat @KidCarnival who thinks he is a powerful entity called Eyelar from blowing up Baldur's Gate from the top of Ramaziths tower... You then wittered on about needing a bigger door... And then you kissed me... And I'm a boy.
Oh yeah... Don't worry I'm a yummie mummie... Right... Bigger door... Now we are in a planar space where we can enter any place or time... So I need a huge door there!
*Anduin waves a hand... A huge, colossal door appears*
And we need a huge door here...
*Anduin waves a hand... an identical, huge colossal, door appears opposite to the first.
Right, go and open that door!
Look, Gnomie, I'm not sure where you get off, ordering me about... But I am a plastic lego representation of a male elf... How the hell can I open that door?!?
Errrm... Just give it a push?
Ha! Give it a push! It must way the same as three, no four, Ancient Red Dragons! Give it a push he says! I'll give it a push you irrelevant half wit! And after that I'm gonna give you a push so hard you will never get up AGAIN!
*Lego-Lass walks up to the door, pushes, and the door promptly opens*
It opened! Well blow my non-existent manhoo--- Aaaaagh! You mad Gnome! Why did you open a door HERE!
*The awesome greeness of @Booinyoureyes in Broccoli slayer form fills the door... It stairs at Lego-Lass in obvious irritability*
Now for the next bit...
*Anduin opens the other door... Through it the streets of Baldur's Gate twinkle below... A glimpse of a hovering orb over a tower can be clearly seen...*
Now to shift the gravity of the floor to this wall here...
Wait the floor.... Aaaaaghh! No! No! I was only moulded yesterday! I'm too young to die!
*Lego-Lass floats through the door, gaining speed towards the Broccoli demon in an uncontrollable upward fall...*
Oh Crap... Wrong wall!
*Anduin waves hands in panic as Lego-Lass falls into the opening maws of the Green Demon who cannot be eaten without grimacing*
*Lego-Lass upward fall slows... stops... The Green Demon starts to close his cavern like mouth... Lego-Lass begins to fall... Back... Down... Down... emerging back into the light... The Green Demon bending forward after him, to take his plastic morsel... Quicker... Lego-Lass plunges back towards the door... Then flies through it...And out through the opposite door*
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SHI-
*Lego-Lass words are whipped away as he continues his rapid descent towards Baldur's Gate*
Only if you survive the fall, my friend...
*Suddenly, The Greater Demon Broccoli, falls through the first door, then out through the second, Anduin is surprised to see @Southpaw still munching on a stalk wave as he flashes by*
And the weight of a 100ft Giant Broccoli Demon landing on you...
*Anduin bends over to pick up his staff*
And the imminent destruction of Baldur's Gate through an Atomic sized explosion that would produce a @Oneangrymushroom cloud of malevolence... Maybe you can have a go at killing me then...
*Anduin jumps through the door... It closes behind him...*
*Lord Rumfish turns to the new contestant as a 100 ft. giant broccoli demon falls with a deafening wet SMACK only a few feet away*
Welcome to the show, Giant Broccoli Demon! I'm afraid the JansenMatic has already been taken as a prize, but we have a new item to bid on, this lovely Nickel Panties collection forged by Cromwell for some kinky drow strippers who weren't able to make it to the surface to offer payment!
Speaking of which, what would you value this Nickel Panties collection at, contestants? Of course, you can opt for doors 1, 2 or 3 if you'd rather have a different prize!
Eyelar saw a Giant Broccoli Demon fall from the sky and crash into @LordRumfish's studio. Irritated, the beholder blinked...
A milisecond later, above the clouds
The beholder gazed around. Somewhere in the distance, he could see two giant doors; likely the origin of the Giant Broccoli Demon.
O̡͖̞̗H̭̘̜̫̯̞̕ ̡̯̮͉̫N͍̞̟̦̯̺O͎͇̬̲̹̭!̫̀ ͎̞͚I̺̯̻̳͙̤̱t̝̳ ͕͕͙͚͚́s̛͓͔͖̳̯e͕͓̥̬̰e͓̦̳̟m̥̰̱͚͕͡ͅs̮̱ ͙̠ͅţ͖̗̺͓̫h͈̜e͚̬̬ ͖̥̮͍̬ͅC̬a͠r͔̠̲̘̼i̤͖̟͓͙ṉ͉̼͚̞̹͟g̠̣ ͔̲̞͜ͅM̟͎̦̤̖̥ͅe̢t͏͖è̩͓̯r̶̳̤ ͍̭͍͈̣̣͚h͈̘a̻̲s̻̀ ̙̲̘̤d̹̳̯r̮͉̥ǫ͓͔͇p̬͖̻p̷̝̰̪̼e̖̘̠̙̖͙d͙͉̮̗͚͚̫!̼̙͔͖ ͏̖̣ ̩̲ Quickly, a group of other beholder paladins hovered over to see for themselves.
Once upon a time, there were only two sentient beings in Faerun. They were as old as time, and very powerful. One of them was Queen Ester of Cauli, a noble and wise creature of goodness and light. The other was King Kög of Broccollur, a mean-spirited, envious wimp. For centuries, the two tried to get along, but because "King" Kög is such a jerk, the peace never lasted for very long.
So one day, the beautiful and very intelligent Queen Ester decided to try something new. And she split herself up into many aspects, to create the pantheon we know today, to approach a peaceful solution from many different angles. Of course, the so-called "king" Kög is an unimaginative asshole and has to copy everything. He too split himself into aspects and created the other part of the pantheon. In some deities, Ester's essence was strong and they became warriors of light and righteousness and justice. They truly were blessed. Others were less lucky and the evil influence of that imposter wannabe king Kög clouded their hearts, and they too became evil and envious and generally more stupid. In another group, the essence of our wise and glorious Queen Ester met the essence of the poisonous, ungrateful mofo Kög, but neither could win the upper hand. Ester's essence, of course, was too kind and gentle and forgiving to just use her insane and awesome power and kill Kög's essence; and Kög's essence - much like Kög as a whole, was too weak and too stupid to harm Ester's essence.
This is how the alignments were created.
Because deities are very powerful, but had nothing to do but fight each other, they soon grew tired of walking the soil of Faerun, especially because it was quite boring since ale was not invented yet. They made a truce and spent a few centuries inventing new sentient lifeforms to entertain themselves. The diciples of our most holy Queen Ester created beautiful and noble lifeforms like elves and nymphs and colorful songbirds. The morons who were infected with Kög's uncreative thinking just made ugly shit like trolls and gnolls (they were not even very good at naming their creations) and... oh really, who cares; they only made boring, stupid monsters.
But that grew old really quickly, and the desire to cleanse the world of the corrupted, poisonous influence of Kög flared up all over Faerun (in the nice parts, where the ingenious Ester was worshipped). And so, the aspects of Ester recruited the most noble and insightful beings they could find to be their first order of paladins. They all happened to be beholders; graceful creatures of pure magic and multiple eyes. The deities also created Eye-A-Lot, a magical realm above the clouds, from where their paladins could see all of Faerun and fight the joke of a force court jester, apologies, KING Kög had assembled. Puppet king Kög's followers were all stupid and ugly (as well as their mothers) and therefore had the "bright" idea to make pacts with squirrels, who then acted as their blackguards. Of course, this was a really silly idea, but what do you expect from people who follow a self-proclaimed "king" who uses a heavy metal umlaut as only vowel in his name? Probably by accident, the squirrels had created a gathering place in an ass-ugly cave in some uninhabited tundra, where the Most Glorious Eyes Of Ester could not see those cowards, and so the war between light and darkness never ended, and is still fought to the very day I'm writing this.
(The Eye of Oghma has his day off, but this revelation could not wait, so he asked me to relay it to you.)
I will be happy to provide a chart of the 9 alignment and the poll, so we can get reliable statistics for this forum. I just have to ask the Eye of Sune if it's ok to expose mortals to the overwhelming beauty of such a chart.
@KidCarnival, I've... seen things you people wouldn't believe... Angry rangers with hamsters on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched Beholders flying in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those... moments... will be lost in time, like... tears... in... rain. But.. that video... had less sense than.... life. Time... to die...
@KidCarnival, I've... seen things you people wouldn't believe... Angry rangers with hamsters on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched Beholders flying in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those... moments... will be lost in time, like... tears... in... rain. But.. that video... had less sense than.... life. Time... to die...
I see someone has watched "Blade Runner" recently.
Comments
Shut up, evil Eyelar! We take the JansenMatic!
C̸an̸ ̀w͏e͜ ̡c̴omp̴r̶om͏is̀e̡?̛ ̸Doo͜r͢ ͟2҉ ̕a͢n͞d the̶ ̧G̢r͘e̴e͟n͞ ͠Enve̸l̶op̡e..̷.?͝
*ding* (a small podium hovers in the air next to @KidCarnival displaying "Door 3" on the bid)
I'm sorry @KidCarnival but you know the rules! If you want the JansenMatic you forfeit the prizes waiting for you behind the doors!
THIS IS CREEEEVSDAAAAAK FLOOOOOAATING DRUUUUNK!!!!
THIS IS CREEEEEVSDAAAAAK DRINKING ON THE SKYYYYY!!!!!!!!
@LordRumfish I can sing for your TV show, also GOOOOOODBYEEE I WILL BE LEAAAAVING NOOOOOW!!!!!!!
G̷I͢V̕E ME͏ ̴THE ̢R͏ED͞ ̸ENVE͝L͜OP̴E!̕
This fabulous gift is valued at Door Number 3! Come back for our bonus round at the end, and thanks for playing.
Thanks FlashieBurnie!!!!!
I AAAAAM FLYYYYYYIIIIIING DRUUUUNK AGAAAAIN!!!
Quite the conundrum.
But I went closer to investigate, and IT WAS MUMMIFIED GNOMELICH INSIDE A CHRISTMAS BAG!!! (with a hat)
Besides, I've saw a hamster with a hat, but that is getting more common each day.
@booinyoureyes @KidCarnival @Sothpaw @LordRumfish the world has a mummified gnomelich out there, and he isn't in @Heindrich1988 's garden, he is in my living room! He awake like @ChildOfBhaal599 at the start of SoA!!! And don't try to upload a 32MB image to the forums, I had to tone it down to 600KB :P
I thought for sure he'd be in your dying room.
What the hell was I on about again?
You were thinking about how you were going to defeat @KidCarnival who thinks he is a powerful entity called Eyelar from blowing up Baldur's Gate from the top of Ramaziths tower... You then wittered on about needing a bigger door... And then you kissed me... And I'm a boy.
Oh yeah... Don't worry I'm a yummie mummie... Right... Bigger door...
Now we are in a planar space where we can enter any place or time... So I need a huge door there!
*Anduin waves a hand... A huge, colossal door appears*
And we need a huge door here...
*Anduin waves a hand... an identical, huge colossal, door appears opposite to the first.
Right, go and open that door!
Look, Gnomie, I'm not sure where you get off, ordering me about... But I am a plastic lego representation of a male elf... How the hell can I open that door?!?
Errrm... Just give it a push?
Ha! Give it a push! It must way the same as three, no four, Ancient Red Dragons! Give it a push he says! I'll give it a push you irrelevant half wit! And after that I'm gonna give you a push so hard you will never get up AGAIN!
*Lego-Lass walks up to the door, pushes, and the door promptly opens*
It opened! Well blow my non-existent manhoo--- Aaaaagh! You mad Gnome! Why did you open a door HERE!
*The awesome greeness of @Booinyoureyes in Broccoli slayer form fills the door... It stairs at Lego-Lass in obvious irritability*
Now for the next bit...
*Anduin opens the other door... Through it the streets of Baldur's Gate twinkle below... A glimpse of a hovering orb over a tower can be clearly seen...*
Now to shift the gravity of the floor to this wall here...
Wait the floor.... Aaaaaghh! No! No! I was only moulded yesterday! I'm too young to die!
*Lego-Lass floats through the door, gaining speed towards the Broccoli demon in an uncontrollable upward fall...*
Oh Crap... Wrong wall!
*Anduin waves hands in panic as Lego-Lass falls into the opening maws of the Green Demon who cannot be eaten without grimacing*
Oblekaaan! Googledoma! @Crevsdaak HahaahhaHAhaha!
*Lego-Lass upward fall slows... stops... The Green Demon starts to close his cavern like mouth... Lego-Lass begins to fall... Back... Down... Down... emerging back into the light... The Green Demon bending forward after him, to take his plastic morsel... Quicker... Lego-Lass plunges back towards the door... Then flies through it...And out through the opposite door*
I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SHI-
*Lego-Lass words are whipped away as he continues his rapid descent towards Baldur's Gate*
Only if you survive the fall, my friend...
*Suddenly, The Greater Demon Broccoli, falls through the first door, then out through the second, Anduin is surprised to see @Southpaw still munching on a stalk wave as he flashes by*
And the weight of a 100ft Giant Broccoli Demon landing on you...
*Anduin bends over to pick up his staff*
And the imminent destruction of Baldur's Gate through an Atomic sized explosion that would produce a @Oneangrymushroom cloud of malevolence... Maybe you can have a go at killing me then...
*Anduin jumps through the door... It closes behind him...*
"*Buuurp*, pardon, turnip reflex".
Welcome to the show, Giant Broccoli Demon! I'm afraid the JansenMatic has already been taken as a prize, but we have a new item to bid on, this lovely Nickel Panties collection forged by Cromwell for some kinky drow strippers who weren't able to make it to the surface to offer payment!
Speaking of which, what would you value this Nickel Panties collection at, contestants? Of course, you can opt for doors 1, 2 or 3 if you'd rather have a different prize!
I'm well aware of that. It's just that I also have levels in barbarian as well as ranger...
A milisecond later, above the clouds
The beholder gazed around. Somewhere in the distance, he could see two giant doors; likely the origin of the Giant Broccoli Demon.
O̡͖̞̗H̭̘̜̫̯̞̕ ̡̯̮͉̫N͍̞̟̦̯̺O͎͇̬̲̹̭!̫̀ ͎̞͚I̺̯̻̳͙̤̱t̝̳ ͕͕͙͚͚́s̛͓͔͖̳̯e͕͓̥̬̰e͓̦̳̟m̥̰̱͚͕͡ͅs̮̱ ͙̠ͅţ͖̗̺͓̫h͈̜e͚̬̬ ͖̥̮͍̬ͅC̬a͠r͔̠̲̘̼i̤͖̟͓͙ṉ͉̼͚̞̹͟g̠̣ ͔̲̞͜ͅM̟͎̦̤̖̥ͅe̢t͏͖è̩͓̯r̶̳̤ ͍̭͍͈̣̣͚h͈̘a̻̲s̻̀ ̙̲̘̤d̹̳̯r̮͉̥ǫ͓͔͇p̬͖̻p̷̝̰̪̼e̖̘̠̙̖͙d͙͉̮̗͚͚̫!̼̙͔͖
͏̖̣
̩̲
Quickly, a group of other beholder paladins hovered over to see for themselves.
Yo͢u are ͘r͟i̢gh̨t҉, He͏lm̛ ́Beaŗ! We͢ ́mu͘st͝ ҉st̨op̶ ҉this҉ ̧trend͞ ͟b͘e͢foŕȩ ̶it̴ ̸i͠s to̶o̶ l̡a͢tè and̀ ́Eye-҉a-͠lo͞t́ ͡wil͟l͢ ćease̡ t͢o͡ e̛xi͝st̷!
͟
Once upon a time, there were only two sentient beings in Faerun. They were as old as time, and very powerful. One of them was Queen Ester of Cauli, a noble and wise creature of goodness and light. The other was King Kög of Broccollur, a mean-spirited, envious wimp. For centuries, the two tried to get along, but because "King" Kög is such a jerk, the peace never lasted for very long.
So one day, the beautiful and very intelligent Queen Ester decided to try something new. And she split herself up into many aspects, to create the pantheon we know today, to approach a peaceful solution from many different angles. Of course, the so-called "king" Kög is an unimaginative asshole and has to copy everything. He too split himself into aspects and created the other part of the pantheon.
In some deities, Ester's essence was strong and they became warriors of light and righteousness and justice. They truly were blessed. Others were less lucky and the evil influence of that imposter wannabe king Kög clouded their hearts, and they too became evil and envious and generally more stupid.
In another group, the essence of our wise and glorious Queen Ester met the essence of the poisonous, ungrateful mofo Kög, but neither could win the upper hand. Ester's essence, of course, was too kind and gentle and forgiving to just use her insane and awesome power and kill Kög's essence; and Kög's essence - much like Kög as a whole, was too weak and too stupid to harm Ester's essence.
This is how the alignments were created.
Because deities are very powerful, but had nothing to do but fight each other, they soon grew tired of walking the soil of Faerun, especially because it was quite boring since ale was not invented yet. They made a truce and spent a few centuries inventing new sentient lifeforms to entertain themselves. The diciples of our most holy Queen Ester created beautiful and noble lifeforms like elves and nymphs and colorful songbirds. The morons who were infected with Kög's uncreative thinking just made ugly shit like trolls and gnolls (they were not even very good at naming their creations) and... oh really, who cares; they only made boring, stupid monsters.
But that grew old really quickly, and the desire to cleanse the world of the corrupted, poisonous influence of Kög flared up all over Faerun (in the nice parts, where the ingenious Ester was worshipped). And so, the aspects of Ester recruited the most noble and insightful beings they could find to be their first order of paladins. They all happened to be beholders; graceful creatures of pure magic and multiple eyes. The deities also created Eye-A-Lot, a magical realm above the clouds, from where their paladins could see all of Faerun and fight the joke of a force court jester, apologies, KING Kög had assembled.
Puppet king Kög's followers were all stupid and ugly (as well as their mothers) and therefore had the "bright" idea to make pacts with squirrels, who then acted as their blackguards. Of course, this was a really silly idea, but what do you expect from people who follow a self-proclaimed "king" who uses a heavy metal umlaut as only vowel in his name? Probably by accident, the squirrels had created a gathering place in an ass-ugly cave in some uninhabited tundra, where the Most Glorious Eyes Of Ester could not see those cowards, and so the war between light and darkness never ended, and is still fought to the very day I'm writing this.
(The Eye of Oghma has his day off, but this revelation could not wait, so he asked me to relay it to you.)
@CrevsDaak @Southpaw @Anduin @OneAngryMushroom @Eudaemonium - marvel at my wisdom!
Where is the thousand likes button! @KidCarnival
I a lways wanted to know who Queen Esters evil opposite was... At last we know!
@Pecca as a man who is aware of Queen Ester and her significance... This is much needed back story!
~off topic~
I would probably choose Lawful Kög as usual...or perhaps True Ester-Kög.
I will be happy to provide a chart of the 9 alignment and the poll, so we can get reliable statistics for this forum. I just have to ask the Eye of Sune if it's ok to expose mortals to the overwhelming beauty of such a chart.