So, according to some click-bait-y website, these jokes will only be gotten by really intelligent people. I'm saying you don't have to be very intelligent, just know the category of the joke.
A Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve faster than light particles in here!"
A tachyon walks into a bar.
Yo Mamma is so classless...
She could be a Marxist Utopia.
Have you heard about the New Band, 1023Mb?
That's probably because they haven't had any Gigs yet.
Yo mamma is so Mean
She doesn't even have a standard deviation!
I would tell a chemistry joke, but...
All the good ones Argon.
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up?
OMg
Helium walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Get out, We don't serve you Noble Gasses in here!"
Helium doesn't react.
How do you tell the difference between a teacher and a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce "Unionized"
Two chemists walked into a bar. The first one ordered an H20. The second said, "I'll have an H20, too!"
The second chemist died.
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Did you hear about the Jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
A cop pulls over Heisenberg on the highway, and says to him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
And Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Pavlov is sitting on a park bench when suddenly a phone rings
"Oh crap!" he says. "I forgot to feed my dogs!"
How do Mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you X times, I've told you X+1 times..."
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers
"Five drinks, please!"
Who does Cyclops hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
No response
A hyperbole walked into a bar
Oh wow, and it absolutely destroyed EVERYTHING in its path and ruined the entire night. LITERALLY!
A Mathematician's husband is furious when she gets home at 3 AM. "You said you'd be home at 11:45!"
"Actually," the Mathematician says slyly. "I said I'd be home at a quarter of twelve."
A sign at the Music store said, "Gone Chopin"
"I'll be Bach in a minuet."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. "Dry?" the bartender asks.
The German replies, "Nein. Just one."
Did you hear about the poker game with Vasco DeGama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Francisco Pizzarro?
Apparently, they can't seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Where do Mathematicians get their kicks?
On 8.12403840464
Three SB Galaxies walk into a bar.
The Bartender tells them, "Get out of here! You're all Barred!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
The joke was busy parking the car.
What was Beethoven's Favorite fruit?
BA NA NA NA!
This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
A recent finding by statisticians show that the average human has exactly one breast and one testicle.
What did one strand of DNA say to the other strand of DNA?
Do these Genes make me look fat?
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog cart and says "Make me one with everything". He hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes it and puts it in his cash box and closes the lid. The Buddhist says, "Where's my change?"
The vendor says, "Change comes from within."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?
He took 1/50th of the recommended dose
A ship sailing past a remote island discovers a man who has been stranded there for several years. When the Captain goes ashore to rescue the man, he notices three huts. He says to the man, "What's the first hut for?" The man says, "That's my house." So the Captain says, "What's the second hut for?" The man says, "That's my church." So the captain says, "And the third hut?"
And the man sniffs disdainfully. "That's the church I used to go to!"
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test
A logician's wife is giving birth. The doctor passes the baby to the father, and the mother says, "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all three of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know." The second Logician says, "I don't know." The Third logician says, "Yes!"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
I saw this, and again, I had to share. So. all these popular bands from the 50's and 60's have reworked their songs to appeal to the Baby Boomer Generation
Herman's Hermits- "Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Walker" Ringo Starr- "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends" The BeeGees- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?" Roberta Flack- "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash- "I Can't See Clearly Now" Paul Simon- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" The Commodores- "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom" Procul Harum- "A Whiter Shade of Hair" Leo Sayer- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" The Temptations- "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Abba- "Denture Queen" The Beatles- "Gotta Kidney Stone" Helen Reddy- "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore" Leslie Gore- "It's My Hormones, And I'll Cry If I Want To" Willie Nelson- "On the Commode Again"
Today while preparing dinner, my dad came across some mystery peppers from the community garden. He can't stand anything spicy, and my love of Jalapenos (I can't handle anything hotter) makes me the best candidate to test something that could be spicy. So I volunteered to test it and he cut off a, shall we say GENEROUS, slice. Turns out it was a Habanero. Half an hour later, I can feel the inside of my mouth again.
@ThacoBell OW! I feel your pain. When I went out to a place called Mama Buddha in NYC with a friend of mine, I ordered General Tso's Chicken. And it came with these cute little red peppers in it. To paraphrase Aladdin. "Teeny Tiny Peppers- AWESOME COSMIC HURTING!"
I really like eating spicy food. But I almost never do, because the aftermath
just
isn't
worth it.
A lot of people who do these extreme food challenges or professional eating of hot things force themselves to vomit afterward so that they don't have to deal with... the aftermath.
I love spicy food. Everytime I get my hands on a new kind of pepper or hot sauce I always test it out by either straight up eating a whole damn pepper, or eating a bit of the sauce by itself. This is not a smart thing to do, and 90% of the time I end up regreting it. Don't be a dumbass like I am.
Just this past Saturday, my lovely girlfriend got me a special sauce made with Piri-Piri peppers, and I can honestly say it's the hottest damn thing I've ever experienced in my life. I ate a drop of it and I wanted to die LOL.
I've wanted to try a Carolina Reaper for ages, but they're pretty much impossible to get in my country without spending a ton of money.
@ThacoBell Oh man, I've never eaten a habanero pepper but I've eaten habanero sauce and it was hot. I feel for you, specially if you can't handle anything hotter than jalapeños.
@LadyRhian Those look like Malagueta peppers, though there's so many varieties of peppers that one can't really be sure by looks alone. If they are though, they're pretty good. They're hot, but not the it-feels-like-i'm-eating-napalm kind of hot.
Poor peppers... They developed hotness as a defense mechanism so they wouldn't get eaten. Then lo and behold, humans come along and they eat them because they're hot.
When eating extremely hot peppers have this page in mind.
And if you're insane enough try some CaJohns Black Mamba 6... this thing scores 6 million Scoville Units... Habanero is in the 100,000-350,000 range depending how it's prepared....
Comments
Too late...
That is my favorite comedy scene of all time. I love how that dog just launches itself at his hand! Classic...
A Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve faster than light particles in here!"
Yo Mamma is so classless...
Have you heard about the New Band, 1023Mb?
Yo mamma is so Mean
I would tell a chemistry joke, but...
Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium hooked up?
Helium walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Get out, We don't serve you Noble Gasses in here!"
How do you tell the difference between a teacher and a chemist?
Two chemists walked into a bar. The first one ordered an H20. The second said, "I'll have an H20, too!"
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Did you hear about the Jurisprudence fetishist?
A cop pulls over Heisenberg on the highway, and says to him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
I read a book on Anti-Gravity.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
Knock, Knock. Who's there? To. To who?
What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?
A Linguisics Professor told his class two positives could never make a negative.
Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Matinus. The Bartender says, "Did you mean a Martini?"
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Did you hear about the woman who got cooled to Absolute Zero?
There are two types of people in this world
Schroedinger's Car walks into a bar
A Higgs Boson Particle walks into a church. The Priest says, "You can't be in here!"
C E flat and G walk into a bar
It is solipsistic in here?
Did you hear about the mathematician who was terrified of negative numbers?
A bartender asks Rene Descartes if he would like a drink. He says, "I think not."
Never trust an atom
If you're not part of the solution
A photon is going through airport security, and the screener asks if he's carrying any luggage.
What is the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
Stephen Colbert and Neil DeGrasse Tyson take the Mars Rover for a spin... in NYC.
I'm thinking of selling my Theremin
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris
Pavlov is sitting on a park bench when suddenly a phone rings
How do Mathematicians scold their children?
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers
Who does Cyclops hate more than Odysseus?
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A hyperbole walked into a bar
A Mathematician's husband is furious when she gets home at 3 AM. "You said you'd be home at 11:45!"
A sign at the Music store said, "Gone Chopin"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. "Dry?" the bartender asks.
Did you hear about the poker game with Vasco DeGama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Francisco Pizzarro?
Where do Mathematicians get their kicks?
Three SB Galaxies walk into a bar.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.
What was Beethoven's Favorite fruit?
This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
A recent finding by statisticians show that the average human has exactly one breast and one testicle.
What did one strand of DNA say to the other strand of DNA?
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog cart and says "Make me one with everything". He hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes it and puts it in his cash box and closes the lid. The Buddhist says, "Where's my change?"
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?
A ship sailing past a remote island discovers a man who has been stranded there for several years. When the Captain goes ashore to rescue the man, he notices three huts. He says to the man, "What's the first hut for?" The man says, "That's my house." So the Captain says, "What's the second hut for?" The man says, "That's my church." So the captain says, "And the third hut?"
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test
A logician's wife is giving birth. The doctor passes the baby to the father, and the mother says, "So, is it a boy or a girl?"
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all three of you want a drink?"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do at night?
Why do Engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Herman's Hermits- "Mrs. Brown, You Have a Lovely Walker"
Ringo Starr- "I Get By With a Little Help from Depends"
The BeeGees- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack- "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
The Commodores- "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Procul Harum- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Leo Sayer- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
The Temptations- "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
Abba- "Denture Queen"
The Beatles- "Gotta Kidney Stone"
Helen Reddy- "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
Leslie Gore- "It's My Hormones, And I'll Cry If I Want To"
Willie Nelson- "On the Commode Again"
These ones:
just
isn't
worth it.
Burns just as bad going out as it did on the way in.
OWowowowowowowowowow....
This is not a smart thing to do, and 90% of the time I end up regreting it. Don't be a dumbass like I am.
Just this past Saturday, my lovely girlfriend got me a special sauce made with Piri-Piri peppers, and I can honestly say it's the hottest damn thing I've ever experienced in my life. I ate a drop of it and I wanted to die LOL.
I've wanted to try a Carolina Reaper for ages, but they're pretty much impossible to get in my country without spending a ton of money.
@ThacoBell Oh man, I've never eaten a habanero pepper but I've eaten habanero sauce and it was hot. I feel for you, specially if you can't handle anything hotter than jalapeños.
@LadyRhian Those look like Malagueta peppers, though there's so many varieties of peppers that one can't really be sure by looks alone.
If they are though, they're pretty good. They're hot, but not the it-feels-like-i'm-eating-napalm kind of hot.
Ps: The above is also a valid entry in the “10 words about BG2 anniversary contest if you havent posted one yet
And if you're insane enough try some CaJohns Black Mamba 6... this thing scores 6 million Scoville Units... Habanero is in the 100,000-350,000 range depending how it's prepared....