My condolences. Loosing him suddenly must be a still greater shock than loosing him slowly to dementia. I wish you courage for the coming time and hope you'll be able to give him a worthy and memorable funeral.
About a week ago my uncle called to tell me my old man had died. I hadn't spoken to him in years and apparently he was half the country away when he died of a stroke. In all honesty, he was a failed scam artist that was brainwashed by fox news and Rush Limbaugh. He probably had to move somewhere else just due to the fact that everyone in the region knew he was a scammer and he couldn't keep it up here. It doesn't even make any sense for him to be so right wing, since he was Chinese Canadian and broke. But he liked to pretend he was rich and felt entitled to anything and lived up to his ears in debt his whole life. I don't think he ever did an honest days work in his whole life and had ripped off most of my extended family. I think it was when he stole my cousin's credit card and rang up like $20-30 grand in charges that I finally accepted what a piece of shit he was. He couldn't even be assed to have my sister or I listed as next of kin or emergency contacts, so I had to basically find out through third hand information that he died. I had to talk to the county coroner today, at least a county cremation shouldn't cost much and is probably more than the bastard deserved. People wonder how I could just cut my dad out of my life and I ask them "Your parents were probably hard working honest people, right? Well, mine weren't." I remember from when I was 14-16 working at McDonalds in the '90s, and he said if I gave him money he'd match it for a car when I turned 16, welp, the money just disappeared. He liked to brag how he made a million dollars when he was in his early 20s, which was bullshit, his old man bought him that house, then he sold it to fuck around in Mexico in the '70s. He had so many advantages in life that he never extended to me. He pretty much epitomizes everything wrong with the boomer generation. The Trump administration has been really hard for me, since he acts so much like my old man, entitled to everything and everything is someone else's fault.
Well, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Sorry yours was such a pill. Kudos for rising above though! ?
Sorry, just been wanting to use my uncle’s quote since you posted this;
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you mustn’t be picking your friend’s nose. Frivolous I know, just can’t hear, “you can pick your friends” without thinking of it.
Whatever you need to do to recover and heal, @_Nightfall_. Just now that we'll be here whenever you want to visit. I hope that you're finding support IRL.
You're one of the good ones. I know I've mentioned this before, but you changed my life.
On the topic of dementia, I found this video by pure chance. It's a musical representation of dementia and what happens to a person's mind as it degenerates over the course of six Stages. It's six hours long and has millions of views, so I listened... and, wouldn't you know it, I haven't had a good cry in a long time, either. If this is what trying to remember ballroom and jazz music from the 30's and 20's sounds like, I'm terrified to imagine what the beeps and boops of my favorite videogame music will sound like to me if I get dementia.
My grandma has dementia but I never gave it much too much thought, or rather, I never tried to confront it. But after listening to this, I have a far better understanding of what it's like, and if I'm going to die, I'd much rather keep my mind intact and have my body go first instead of having to go through THIS. It's terrible beyond description. I think she's in late Stage 2 or starting Stage 3. It's Stage 4 that scares me the most, though.
If you're not in a good place mentally, DO NOT listen to this. I am dead serious because it purposely induces anxiety. And if you don't have time for the full six hours, at least listen to each stage for 10-20 minutes or so; don't try to skip through or it won't make any sense. And watch it on Youtube so you can read the video description and the track titles.
Writing something about each stage helped me unpack my feelings and I feel much better after getting it out of my system. Sorry if this isn't the place for it.
Stage 1:
Everything is fine. The memories may sound like they're played back on an old record player, but that's just how it is when you get old. What's important is that you still remember.
Stage 2:
Something is not right. The scratchiness is getting worse and the memories sound like they're being played from a distance in a tile hallway, with accompanying echo and reverb. Didn't it always sound like that, though? Must be getting old. But... they seem to be more melancholy than before.
Stage3:
No, something is definitely wrong. The memories are getting further away and the reverb and echo are increasing. The noise is getting worse. It's interfering with the ability to properly recall the melodies. Sometimes the melodies repeat or go in reverse as if on a broken record player, but just for a second or two. The warbling of the memory is getting worse, the disorganization is obviously apparent, but it still sounds like how you remember it. Doesn't it? Wait, no, this one sounds fine - it's only when you try to remember about that other thing. What was it again? Ehh, you're getting old, maybe it doesn't really matter, it was just one memory. But you don't recognize this one at all. Where'd this one come from? No... no, this fog is just so... damn it. If only you could clear your head.
Stage 4:
What!? What is going on? The memories... You can't focus on them. They're so distorted, they're running together, they're not making sense. You can't remember a single one for more than a second before it segues into another and they're all terribly, just so terribly... wrong! It's like the reel of photo negatives of your memory is burning away, leaving only bits and pieces intact, but even what's left is so mangled beyond recognition that it is completely alien to you. Confusion and terror and unfamiliarity are overpowering everything. What is happening to you!? And the noise...! How long has it...!? You can't... Why can't you...remem...
Stage 5:
Chaos and entropy have torn everything asunder! Once, you had hundreds, thousands, millions of memories. Now they are but scattered fragments so minuscule that it has reduced your mind to an endless and barren desert. You try to sift through the sand of your memories to recover something - ANYTHING - that is still whole; SOMETHING to cling to in this dying world, and you'll occasionally pluck out some grains that are larger than the rest, but they disintegrate between your finger and thumb as you hold them. And the noise is unbearable! The NOISE!! It is all-consuming! It has already scratched its way through your sanity. It blasts the sand of your memory against your being, threatening to flay you alive and scour the very soul from your body! You can't even be sure if you're trying to resist it anymore. You can't be sure how long it's been like this. You can't be sure of anything except the fear and emptiness.
Stage 6:
Ah... Ahhh... A low and quiet thrum now reverberates throughout the infinite expanse. It is so pleasant compared to the noise from before. And the sand... No... Just floating... Drifting aimlessly, but there is no direction here. No direction, no speed, no time, nor body nor memory nor sense. A black void. Pinched off from the universe in unparalleled isolation. The thrum sometimes subsides for a while, giving way to the comforting embrace of silence.
Wait. Up ahead. What... what is that? You think you... recognize? That? Oh... The black void around you is slowly fading to white, but now you know what you've found. Ha ha. It was here all along. You can't believe you hadn't found it even though you'd been searching for it this whole time. You completely forgot about it, but it's your last shred of self. You're holding it now. Hah, look at it, it's pretty beat-up, huh? Ha ha ha... Your last wonder before oblivion. Now, only the silence remains. Forever.
A close friend of mine showed me that video once. The sound is very disturbing, and the more you think about it, the darker it gets. It's a grimly accurate representation of one of the scariest things to contemplate and the most painful to experience or see.
I might have a misrepresentation of dementia, but I'm not too afraid of it, as I imagine with the loss of memory I can't worry about the inequality and injustice in this world no more, nor about the degradation of our environment and with the depressing thoughts being forgotten, the depression will also fade - making place for another illness of the mind of course - but I'd love to be not depressed by Weltschmerz no more.
However there seems to be a way beside dementia to loosen them: I've got haptotherapy now and by paying attention to my body instead of being stuck in my thoughts, I can deal living better. It seems to be far more effective than a quarter of a century of mental health care and medication. Though I have had a similar effect of things getting a lot better when I started on medication.
I might have a misrepresentation of dementia, but I'm not too afraid of it, as I imagine with the loss of memory I can't worry about the inequality and injustice in this world no more, nor about the degradation of our environment and with the depressing thoughts being forgotten, the depression will also fade - making place for another illness of the mind of course - but I'd love to be not depressed by Weltschmerz no more.
However there seems to be a way beside dementia to loosen them: I've got haptotherapy now and by paying attention to my body instead of being stuck in my thoughts, I can deal living better. It seems to be far more effective than a quarter of a century of mental health care and medication. Though I have had a similar effect of things getting a lot better when I started on medication.
I can relate to that thought. I imagine the beginnings of dementia are hard on a person, when they notice how cognitive function is degrading, but at more advanced stages it's harder on family/ loved ones, not so much on the person affected by it.
I hate Covid-19. It was bad enough on a professional level, but now it's getting personal. My mother-in-law, her brother, her best friend and my niece are infected. I know I'm only joining a very long list of people who are worried sick about their relatives.
My mother-in-law especially is not healthy to begin with, widowed, living in a house without central heating, and without anyone to take care of her chickens, make fire and buy bread for her now that everyone else in the neighborhood is sick, too.
And we're 2000 km away.
What's making me unhappy? Sudden deafness in my left ear. My doctor couldn't see any blockage or other obvious cause so now I wait for an audiology appointment. I wait for tests and questions and, well the whole process annoys me. I'm missing what little work is available right now, and my bills aren't getting any lower, so I'm adding more copays and possibly more if insurance refuses to cover it. Dealing with the insurance, finding what is or isn't covered. I try to avoid corp-speak, legalese and double-talk with a passion.
Mostly I'm worried that it may become a permanent condition. It seems so minor when I think about it. In the grand scheme it's only one ear and I can hear just fine in the other, but the experience is a bit disorienting and frustrating.
I got into a huge argument today at my doctor's office. I only needed him to sign a prescription. The secretary told me to have a seat. More people arrived, also to have their prescriptions signed, but they didn't have to wait for their turn, for some reason the secretary took their prescriptions but not mine, got the doc's signature, and she returned it to them, and they went on their way. Now, these other folks were older than me, so I said to myself "Ok, no big deal, I can wait a little longer". But then 30 minutes had passed, and this just kept going on an on. So I walked up to secretary and I told her "Hey, I've been waiting for 30 minutes here, why are all these people getting their prescriptions signed but I'm not?" And she said "Oh, this is not a first-come first-served kind of place, and besides everything is a little chaotic right now, you should have just walked up to my desk instead of waiting". Baffled, I replied "But you told me to take a seat, I assumed you were going to call me when you were ready". And she said "No, no, that's not how this works." So I said "Am I going to get my prescriptions signed or what?" And she said "Well the doctor is busy right now, you'll have to wait a little bit". Some other doctor heard that we were arguing and he's like "What's the problem, sir?" I explained to him what just happened. And he said "Oh, you'll have to leave your prescription here in this box, the doctor will sign it and you can pick it up tomorrow." And I said "But I just saw a bunch of people getting their papers signed, why is it different for me?" And he said "Because the doctor is about to leave for lunch, and I don't know if he will come back today". At that point, I lost it: I told him that you can't treat people like this, that it was complete nonsense, that I had been waiting over 30 minutes for nothing, that I had other stuff to do, yadda yadda yadda. I just wouldn't shut up. And he's like "Sir, calm down, please". So I answered "No, I will not calm down, I would prefer to just say what's on my mind right now, thank you very much. And by the way, how is it that this is not a first-come first-serve place, like your secretary just told me? That's nonsense. No wonder things are chaotic here, you can't even manage a simple waiting list, or maybe you're just to lazy to do it." Finally, the went to get my doctor, who was indeed about to leave for lunch, and they got him to sign my prescription. They did it just so that I would shut up and leave.
So, the audiologist wants $320usd up front regardless of my insurance. I'm confused as to why I have insurance in the first place. Oh well, "you get what you pay for" as they say.
In the plus side, I'm learning some interesting things about sound. Reflected sound does many strange things to confuse the mind. New insights into the effects/uses of auditory hallucination type spells.
Healthcare insurance in the United States is absolute garbage. We shell out tons of money just to fill the pockets of pointless middlemen who only exist to siphon money from the system. Insurance companies charge as high premiums as they can get away with and try with all their might to avoid covering healthcare when we ask them to live up to their end of the bargain. It's a poorly-regulated system based on market forces and profit instead of the public good, and for all the money we spend, we're not even healthier than folks in similar countries.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Healthcare insurance in the United States is absolute garbage. We shell out tons of money just to fill the pockets of pointless middlemen who only exist to siphon money from the system. Insurance companies charge as high premiums as they can get away with and try with all their might to avoid covering healthcare when we ask them to live up to their end of the bargain. It's a poorly-regulated system based on market forces and profit instead of the public good, and for all the money we spend, we're not even healthier than folks in similar countries.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Sorry if I'm misinformed, but didn't the USA finally get public health insurance with Obamacare? What went wrong that it's still such a mess?
Healthcare insurance in the United States is absolute garbage. We shell out tons of money just to fill the pockets of pointless middlemen who only exist to siphon money from the system. Insurance companies charge as high premiums as they can get away with and try with all their might to avoid covering healthcare when we ask them to live up to their end of the bargain. It's a poorly-regulated system based on market forces and profit instead of the public good, and for all the money we spend, we're not even healthier than folks in similar countries.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Sorry if I'm misinformed, but didn't the USA finally get public health insurance with Obamacare? What went wrong that it's still such a mess?
Obamacare can grant subsidies and has some other complicated reforms to decrease costs, but it doesn't offer full, free coverage based on public funds like Medicare or social programs in other modern countries. And because most health insurance is still privatized (Obamacare doesn't eliminate the middleman) and we don't have the government negotiating prices directly with medical offices, like we do with Medicare, healthcare prices in general remain much higher than they are elsewhere.
The root issues, the fact that people can't not get healthcare and the fact that insurance companies have an incentive to squeeze money out of people, are still around.
@Son_of_Imoen , Individual states had to ratify the Medicaid portion of Obamacare in order to receive government funds and expand Medicaid to low income citizens. Many states refused to do so, including the one I live in.
Premiums on the Obamacare exchange are absurdly high - close to $1000 per month for an individual with no children. I don't even make that much.
Government subsidies intended to offset those high premiums require a minimum of $15,000 per year income. I don't make that much.
Low income Americans in all the states that didn't ratify Medicaid expansion, which is most southern states, and many other "red" (Republican dominated) states, are just as bad off or worse off than we ever were.
I am still uninsured, and have to go to a faith-based medical charity clinic for my diabetes care. A few years ago, I incurred medical bills of over $12,000 when I had to go to the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis, which I am *still* paying off via a high interest loan I had to take out. I was ready to die rather than face financial ruin, until a friend talked me out of it, and found that charity clinic for me.
America still has one of the worst health care systems in the world.
I'm watching AGDQ 2021 speedruns on YouTube and I'm noticing that the ONE speedrun by a transgender runner has a massive downvote count, unlike all the others. It's a reminder that the gamer community as a whole isn't nearly as tolerant as the folks I've found here.
I'm watching AGDQ 2021 speedruns on YouTube and I'm noticing that the ONE speedrun by a transgender runner has a massive downvote count, unlike all the others. It's a reminder that the gamer community as a whole isn't nearly as tolerant as the folks I've found here.
It's sad, but true. Many of the people that I used to play with (and a couple that I still do) have shown a side of themselves in the past few years that I finding shocking. On issues of race, sexuality, the police, homelessness... I can't even talk to them half of the time anymore, they've become so narrow-minded and hateful. Most were not always so angry, a couple were tolerant if not actually accepting of others. It makes me angry, and sad. I remind myself to live and let die.
As far as healthcare in America... I'm right in middle, financially, affording insurance has severely affected my lifestyle. While my state approved the Medicaid expansion, the subsidies I qualify for are small in comparison to costs. Raising my two grandchildren and a wife with several health problems makes it impossible to not have it. I'm lucky to receive a small additional subsidy because my grandkids are court ordered into my care, which is comically considered a hardship. Their my family for Pete's sake, but I'll take the money.
The video. Sorry, I feel for her but it is so old now. I have dealt with this longer than she has been alive. I can’t fix her, I can’t just bow down to this nonsense either.
Sorry, am deflecting and attacking the world. One of my oldest friends is in the hospital with covid. His wife called me to tell me yesterday afternoon and asked me to call him. He could barely talk and most of it was just making jokes. He told me before we got off the phone, I am so scared Michelle. The world would be a much sadder place without him. I don't know what I believe in anymore but I pray he will be okay.
I don't watch videos like that, not worth my time but my niece sent me a link. I seethed for hours before responding, people are suffering and dying and this shallow person has nothing to give but attack someone who didn't deserve it. I know what I am and am not, thank you very much, I think most of us do not need the obvious regurgitated back to us. I responded poorly. I don't want to be responsible for those that are as shallow as a teaspoon, but now I have to be because I could not keep my mouth shut.
It feels like the world is burning, don't people have better things to do than to attack other people? Sorry, eating and sleeping are not something I do much anymore, so still awake when everyone is sleeping. Ignore me, just hurting and angry.
Comments
My condolences. Loosing him suddenly must be a still greater shock than loosing him slowly to dementia. I wish you courage for the coming time and hope you'll be able to give him a worthy and memorable funeral.
Sorry, just been wanting to use my uncle’s quote since you posted this;
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you mustn’t be picking your friend’s nose. Frivolous I know, just can’t hear, “you can pick your friends” without thinking of it.
Take care
Michelle
You're one of the good ones. I know I've mentioned this before, but you changed my life.
My grandma has dementia but I never gave it much too much thought, or rather, I never tried to confront it. But after listening to this, I have a far better understanding of what it's like, and if I'm going to die, I'd much rather keep my mind intact and have my body go first instead of having to go through THIS. It's terrible beyond description. I think she's in late Stage 2 or starting Stage 3. It's Stage 4 that scares me the most, though.
If you're not in a good place mentally, DO NOT listen to this. I am dead serious because it purposely induces anxiety. And if you don't have time for the full six hours, at least listen to each stage for 10-20 minutes or so; don't try to skip through or it won't make any sense. And watch it on Youtube so you can read the video description and the track titles.
Writing something about each stage helped me unpack my feelings and I feel much better after getting it out of my system. Sorry if this isn't the place for it.
Everything is fine. The memories may sound like they're played back on an old record player, but that's just how it is when you get old. What's important is that you still remember.
Stage 2:
Something is not right. The scratchiness is getting worse and the memories sound like they're being played from a distance in a tile hallway, with accompanying echo and reverb. Didn't it always sound like that, though? Must be getting old. But... they seem to be more melancholy than before.
Stage3:
No, something is definitely wrong. The memories are getting further away and the reverb and echo are increasing. The noise is getting worse. It's interfering with the ability to properly recall the melodies. Sometimes the melodies repeat or go in reverse as if on a broken record player, but just for a second or two. The warbling of the memory is getting worse, the disorganization is obviously apparent, but it still sounds like how you remember it. Doesn't it? Wait, no, this one sounds fine - it's only when you try to remember about that other thing. What was it again? Ehh, you're getting old, maybe it doesn't really matter, it was just one memory. But you don't recognize this one at all. Where'd this one come from? No... no, this fog is just so... damn it. If only you could clear your head.
Stage 4:
What!? What is going on? The memories... You can't focus on them. They're so distorted, they're running together, they're not making sense. You can't remember a single one for more than a second before it segues into another and they're all terribly, just so terribly... wrong! It's like the reel of photo negatives of your memory is burning away, leaving only bits and pieces intact, but even what's left is so mangled beyond recognition that it is completely alien to you. Confusion and terror and unfamiliarity are overpowering everything. What is happening to you!? And the noise...! How long has it...!? You can't... Why can't you...remem...
Stage 5:
Chaos and entropy have torn everything asunder! Once, you had hundreds, thousands, millions of memories. Now they are but scattered fragments so minuscule that it has reduced your mind to an endless and barren desert. You try to sift through the sand of your memories to recover something - ANYTHING - that is still whole; SOMETHING to cling to in this dying world, and you'll occasionally pluck out some grains that are larger than the rest, but they disintegrate between your finger and thumb as you hold them. And the noise is unbearable! The NOISE!! It is all-consuming! It has already scratched its way through your sanity. It blasts the sand of your memory against your being, threatening to flay you alive and scour the very soul from your body! You can't even be sure if you're trying to resist it anymore. You can't be sure how long it's been like this. You can't be sure of anything except the fear and emptiness.
Stage 6:
Ah... Ahhh... A low and quiet thrum now reverberates throughout the infinite expanse. It is so pleasant compared to the noise from before. And the sand... No... Just floating... Drifting aimlessly, but there is no direction here. No direction, no speed, no time, nor body nor memory nor sense. A black void. Pinched off from the universe in unparalleled isolation. The thrum sometimes subsides for a while, giving way to the comforting embrace of silence.
Wait. Up ahead. What... what is that? You think you... recognize? That? Oh... The black void around you is slowly fading to white, but now you know what you've found. Ha ha. It was here all along. You can't believe you hadn't found it even though you'd been searching for it this whole time. You completely forgot about it, but it's your last shred of self. You're holding it now. Hah, look at it, it's pretty beat-up, huh? Ha ha ha... Your last wonder before oblivion. Now, only the silence remains. Forever.
However there seems to be a way beside dementia to loosen them: I've got haptotherapy now and by paying attention to my body instead of being stuck in my thoughts, I can deal living better. It seems to be far more effective than a quarter of a century of mental health care and medication. Though I have had a similar effect of things getting a lot better when I started on medication.
I can relate to that thought. I imagine the beginnings of dementia are hard on a person, when they notice how cognitive function is degrading, but at more advanced stages it's harder on family/ loved ones, not so much on the person affected by it.
My mother-in-law especially is not healthy to begin with, widowed, living in a house without central heating, and without anyone to take care of her chickens, make fire and buy bread for her now that everyone else in the neighborhood is sick, too.
And we're 2000 km away.
Mostly I'm worried that it may become a permanent condition. It seems so minor when I think about it. In the grand scheme it's only one ear and I can hear just fine in the other, but the experience is a bit disorienting and frustrating.
In the plus side, I'm learning some interesting things about sound. Reflected sound does many strange things to confuse the mind. New insights into the effects/uses of auditory hallucination type spells.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Sorry if I'm misinformed, but didn't the USA finally get public health insurance with Obamacare? What went wrong that it's still such a mess?
It's not 'free'...
The root issues, the fact that people can't not get healthcare and the fact that insurance companies have an incentive to squeeze money out of people, are still around.
Premiums on the Obamacare exchange are absurdly high - close to $1000 per month for an individual with no children. I don't even make that much.
Government subsidies intended to offset those high premiums require a minimum of $15,000 per year income. I don't make that much.
Low income Americans in all the states that didn't ratify Medicaid expansion, which is most southern states, and many other "red" (Republican dominated) states, are just as bad off or worse off than we ever were.
I am still uninsured, and have to go to a faith-based medical charity clinic for my diabetes care. A few years ago, I incurred medical bills of over $12,000 when I had to go to the hospital with diabetic ketoacidosis, which I am *still* paying off via a high interest loan I had to take out. I was ready to die rather than face financial ruin, until a friend talked me out of it, and found that charity clinic for me.
America still has one of the worst health care systems in the world.
"They broke their backs lifting Moloch to heaven."
It's sad, but true. Many of the people that I used to play with (and a couple that I still do) have shown a side of themselves in the past few years that I finding shocking. On issues of race, sexuality, the police, homelessness... I can't even talk to them half of the time anymore, they've become so narrow-minded and hateful. Most were not always so angry, a couple were tolerant if not actually accepting of others. It makes me angry, and sad. I remind myself to live and let die.
Welcome to my life.
The video. Sorry, I feel for her but it is so old now. I have dealt with this longer than she has been alive. I can’t fix her, I can’t just bow down to this nonsense either.
I don't watch videos like that, not worth my time but my niece sent me a link. I seethed for hours before responding, people are suffering and dying and this shallow person has nothing to give but attack someone who didn't deserve it. I know what I am and am not, thank you very much, I think most of us do not need the obvious regurgitated back to us. I responded poorly. I don't want to be responsible for those that are as shallow as a teaspoon, but now I have to be because I could not keep my mouth shut.
It feels like the world is burning, don't people have better things to do than to attack other people? Sorry, eating and sleeping are not something I do much anymore, so still awake when everyone is sleeping. Ignore me, just hurting and angry.