I have had a stay of execution. I don't have to pay for this place anymore, though I am still paying for my new apartment. They need me here until the end of the month.
Now I am dealing with his daughter and her husband, who deliberately misgender me. Been years and so not fun. If they didn't know they never would, but now they are taking a stand for their religion. I want to tell them to, Fuck Off, but I can't. He wanted so much to reconnect with his daughter. I don't know what to do but I know that I will never do anything to cause more of a rift between his family and him. He may be gone but their perceptions of him remain.
In all honesty they are nice except for the deliberate misgendering, and she is trying not to. Mostly it is just her husband now. Doesn't matter though, they want me to come with them to market on Friday, will not ever happen. I was beaten and left for dead because my sister-in-law misgendered me, years and years ago. It will never happen again. Everyone sees me as I am, they just know because Pete was so open about me. I did not want to hide. May be time for me to rethink my stance on that. Meh, whatever.
It is misery to be here with them to be honest, even though they don't sleep here. The pain from when he passed away is my constant companion. It was getting easier for me before they came. Just a few more days nad they will be gone, cannot wait but I have to.
Anyone who ever says, life is what you make it? I just want to give them one taste of my life. Grr! Parrents that didn't want me, grandparents that constantly wanted me to be something I could never be and continuously threatened me with the state home if I couldn't be the boy they wanted, the uncle who they gave me to who made me less than nothing, beat me and molested me simply because they could not "fix" me, the things he did to me while taking pictures, the rape and isolation when everyone found out who I was, trying to figure out my life alone when I was 15 and could no longer live with a family that cared more about what people thought of them then had ever cared about me, the next 30 years alone, afraid and so scared that anyone would ever get to know the real me because who could ever care about someone like me, then miraculously someone did, accepted everything about me completely, then he is gone and you still can't hurt anyone. So you never say anything, just take their hurt and hope they will go away so you can feel numb again.
Anyone who says, Life is what you make it... They can all burn in hell.
I am not okay. No one needs to worry about me though, I can take care of myself or not, my problem and no one elses.
I really, really, really appreciate the concern though. I don't understand it and don't know why anyone would ever be concerned about me, but it means more to me than you could possibly know.
Thank you. Really, with all of me I thank you all.
So two things have changed this week in my viewing profile, i baught Game of Thrones, all seasons, and Criminal Minds was offered on netflix.
Is it weird of me that I love the story, yet still feel they are so dark that I cannot watch them?
I read tbe books, when the Mountain crushed that guys head I closed the book and never picked them up again, never watched the series. I stopped watching Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU long ago. I started to struggle with depression for days after.
It is not okay, you understand that? These two programs are dark beyond all belief. You understand that right?
Why has everyone made doing the right rhing wrong? Do the right thing, not so hard. I hate those shows. Hate them.
How does someone make a story that only Hitler or Genghis Khan could find fascinating? Not judging, as I said the stories are next level, amazing and compelling. Everyone that watches Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU, The Game of Thrones, I don't know. Is it okay?
That is a serious question. Is it okay? At what time do we disassociate from reality? Are our children more susceptible?
The sadness comes from my nephew who used both to assult my logic. Do you ever fear the generations we are creating?
So two things have changed this week in my viewing profile, i baught Game of Thrones, all seasons, and Criminal Minds was offered on netflix.
Is it weird of me that I love the story, yet still feel they are so dark that I cannot watch them?
I read tbe books, when the Mountain crushed that guys head I closed the book and never picked them up again, never watched the series. I stopped watching Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU long ago. I started to struggle with depression for days after.
It is not okay, you understand that? These two programs are dark beyond all belief. You understand that right?
Why has everyone made doing the right rhing wrong? Do the right thing, not so hard. I hate those shows. Hate them.
How does someone make a story that only Hitler or Genghis Khan could find fascinating? Not judging, as I said the stories are next level, amazing and compelling. Everyone that watches Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU, The Game of Thrones, I don't know. Is it okay?
That is a serious question. Is it okay? At what time do we disassociate from reality? Are our children more susceptible?
The sadness comes from my nephew who used both to assult my logic. Do you ever fear the generations we are creating?
SVU is pretty dark all things considered for a prime-time network show. There isn't anything particularly impressive about the writing, acting, or direction. Assuming you can handle the subject matter, they are just very easy to digest in bite-size viewing sessions. Who is the real culprit?? Will justice be served, or will they get off on a technicality?? But yeah, I have no idea how you keep recycling the same sex crimes for 20+ episodes over 20+ seasons. And I don't imagine it would be a particularly easy show for survivors of sexual assault or abuse to watch.
As for Game of Thrones, most of the great TV since the late '90s has been awfully dark and populated by anti-heroes. The Sopranos, Deadwood The Wire, Breaking Bad. Game of Thrones is particularly brutal to it's characters, and gives not a single fuck about whether the audience likes one of them or not. Almost everyone is potentially on the chopping block any given week. I am usually not one to complain about these sort of things, but the writing and drop in quality from a purely narrative and dialogue standpoint in the last two seasons of this show is just jaw-droppingly bad, worse in hindsight than it even was at the time.
There is a scene in what I think is probably the second season of Deadwood with the late Powers Boothe that is just incredibly disturbing the first time you watch it, and doesn't get a hell of alot easier on repeat viewings. But it takes real craft and skill to elicit that kind of reaction.
I think back to the rape scene in "The Accused" with Jodie Foster, and I've never watched it a second time, because it feels like it's totally real. This is one thing I don't tolerate gratuitously in movies. If you're gonna include a rape scene, it better have a real purpose, and not just be thrown in for shock value. The horror movies in recent years that basically use the rape of a young girl as a jumping off point for her to then go on a revenge killing spree are repulsive beyond all belief.
So two things have changed this week in my viewing profile, i baught Game of Thrones, all seasons, and Criminal Minds was offered on netflix.
Is it weird of me that I love the story, yet still feel they are so dark that I cannot watch them?
I read tbe books, when the Mountain crushed that guys head I closed the book and never picked them up again, never watched the series. I stopped watching Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU long ago. I started to struggle with depression for days after.
It is not okay, you understand that? These two programs are dark beyond all belief. You understand that right?
Why has everyone made doing the right rhing wrong? Do the right thing, not so hard. I hate those shows. Hate them.
How does someone make a story that only Hitler or Genghis Khan could find fascinating? Not judging, as I said the stories are next level, amazing and compelling. Everyone that watches Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU, The Game of Thrones, I don't know. Is it okay?
That is a serious question. Is it okay? At what time do we disassociate from reality? Are our children more susceptible?
The sadness comes from my nephew who used both to assult my logic. Do you ever fear the generations we are creating?
I think back to the rape scene in "The Accused" with Jodie Foster, and I've never watched it a second time, because it feels like it's totally real. This is one thing I don't tolerate gratuitously in movies. If you're gonna include a rape scene, it better have a real purpose, and not just be thrown in for shock value. The horror movies in recent years that basically use the rape of a young girl as a jumping off point for her to then go on a revenge killing spree are repulsive beyond all belief.
I understand that. I don't watch anything with rape in it period. I was so interested in Outlander then... I just stopped watching it. Jodie Foster in The Accused was so eerily accurate I watched the whole thing and didn't speak to anyone for almost two months.
I regret watching The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo because of the rape scene. Even though I closed my eyes and covered my ears I could still hear it and it was so stressful. A Clockwork Orange messed with my head, too.8
It just feels too real.
EDIT: Earlier today I was remembering the movie Otis and thinking about how stressful it was to watch. This stuff has always been painful for me, even before the transition.
I literally hate everyone and everything. Made a huge post and somehow it all disappeared.,
Spend 20 minutes bearing your soul then have it erased.
I won't do it again.
This is so terrible for me to admit.
I can't stop from peeing.myself. Can't. I am so careful but yeah, still happens. No one cares. Everyone treats me like an anomaly.. I have done the VA I have done civilian health care doesn't matter, they all seem so uncomfortable with my anatomy..
I hate you. I have never hurt anyone, ever. Yes I am older, yes I am different, why can't anyone treat me like a human being though?
Not lying, I hate you all. Over and over again I have been treated as less than. I can't even get competent health care.
You have broken me, is that not enough? Meh, wnatever.
Know what is the worst? I have not had sex. Only a few times ever.. Only a few times with girls in the eighties and early 90s. Uck, not for me. They all go straight for a std. But I haven't... Just making sure. I tell them I have not had sex in 35 to 40 years and they still insist I take all of the tests for std.
They think I am a deviant. Pervert. They assume I am a pervert. Like, seriously? Everyone sees a trans person as one thing. I don't know what I am but promiscuous I am not. Kay, nothing wrong with what an an adult does with a consenting adult. Don't mean to say they are in any way are perverted. Just.... well, I have never done anything with anyone. The fact that doctors always assume I am out doing any guy that will have me is offensive in the extreme.
Know what is the worst? I have not had sex. Only a few times ever.. Only a few times with girls in the eighties and early 90s. Uck, not for me. They all go straight for a std. But I haven't... Just making sure. I tell them I have not had sex in 35 to 40 years and they still insist I take all of the tests for std.
They think I am a deviant. Pervert. They assume I am a pervert. Like, seriously? Everyone sees a trans person as one thing. I don't know what I am but promiscuous I am not. Kay, nothing wrong with what an an adult does with a consenting adult. Don't mean to say they are in any way are perverted. Just.... well, I have never done anything with anyone. The fact that doctors always assume I am out doing any guy that will have me is offensive in the extreme.
How absurd, to think bladder problems could be the result of an std when you haven't had sex in 35-40 years. That sounds even more absurd then the doctor who told me when I get older I still might want children when I asked for a sterilization and never ever have wanted to put children in this fucked-up world. Now it's not needed anymore, as I never have sex anymore anyway, but that a doctor thinks that your problems stem from an std after clearly stating you never had sex for decennia is indeed an outrageous insult. They're basically calling you out to being a liar.
Hyper-realism is a thing the last decades. I cannot watch it either, due to my empathy level.
I have no idea why people would want to see gruesome acts. When my wife watched game of thrones that was also the episode in which I said this series was already pornography in the first seasons, and now it is even more fucked up. I stopped watching it ever since but I cannot get the image of of my head.
Same as the hannibal movie, pure garbage that my friend was watching when I entered and I'm scarred for life.
Peeing yourself as in incontinence? That could have a large range of causes. Probably the doctors went by a simple checklist because that is what they normally do.
It could be mental-physical that you do not notice the muscles anymore and training can help (as in always go to the toilet 15-30 minutes after every drink,before going out, and before bed). It could be psychological from fear, fidgeting, too much on your mind, stress, etc. Then those triggers need to be identified and addressed. It could also just be physical as an impairment.
But anyhow, that can take a trajectory to go through to identify the cause, let alone the cure. If the only thing they do is the std test even if you say it cannot be that, then that is negligence.
Sorry about all of that. It is just so humiliating even though it doesn't happen often. Then the frustration when no one will help you. The doctor I went to outside of the VA didn't do anything for me but test for stds and a uti. Didn't recommend me to a specialist. Wait no, her did put me on antibiotics for a few days. The last time I saw him he asked if I was on birth control, when I said no he suggested that I considered starting. How absurd, I didn't even know how to respond to that. Obviously I never went back to him. I know that I don't look my age but even so, birth control? Treat me like the worst kind of sinner because I am trans, the man was so awful to me, then suggest I be on birth control. While his hand was resting on my inner thigh. Grr! I am just glad that Pete was not in the room, that would not have ended well.
I like my doctors at the VA but anything to do with certain things they pretty much just do bloodwork and a urine test then say, I don't know. I have given up on getting help. I mange it okay now. Then I am laying in bed crying, feel I have to go, only twelve steps but I didn't make it. I get so upset then bother all the nice people here, not everyone here's problem that I am pathetic.
I am so, so sorry. Going to hide away in shame for a while. Take care.
Fully understandable. You go to a doctor to get help. If in the end you are not feeling that you are getting the help you ask for or you feel as if you are not taken seriously then that is a real issue.
Doctors should explain to you their reasoning for the intervention or follow up, and you should feel comfortable enough to inquire and question them openly if you do not understand or if you disagree.
They are people persons, they should be able to explain. For all I know birth control medication will balance out the hormones and do something useful for your ailment even as a trans person, but that should become fully clear when you ask them.
In this case though, I doubt it...
It's astounding that one's doctor would just shrug off a symptom as unpleasant as bladder control. That's not something you should just let run its course as a physician; that's a huge quality of life issue for the patient.
Is there no hope to see a doctor outside the VA? To find a specialist without having to go through them?
It's astounding that one's doctor would just shrug off a symptom as unpleasant as bladder control. That's not something you should just let run its course as a physician; that's a huge quality of life issue for the patient.
Is there no hope to see a doctor outside the VA? To find a specialist without having to go through them?
Minority demographics in this country quite frequently have their legitimate concerns dismissed out of hand by doctors. This is especially true if the ones complaining of pain or symptoms is a woman. For trans women, I assume it's even MORE of an uphill climb.
The region where I live has been affected by very heavy flooding. I'm away on vacation with the family and will go home tomorrow. Our neighbours say our street wasn't affected, but some streets in my village turned into wild rivers, and the town where I work and its surroundings are even worse.
Houses and cars just washed away, motorways, roads and bridges destroyed, and what the flood didn't destroy is covered in mud and debris. Many colleagues have lost their homes, people have died, many are still missing (fortunately nobody I know personally). The hospital where I work has been evacuated, there won't be electricity or running water in some areas for weeks at least, some things will take months to repair and others won't ever be the same again.
Our family was very lucky, and I'm grateful for that, but after reading and hearing and talking about it only on the news and via phone or messages, I'm nervous about going home, seeing it and understanding that it's real.
I wish you the best, Arvia.
That your house is still intact, that you still have energy, access to fresh water and all that.
I have relatives living in one of the flood regions. Thankfully, they are alive and still have a home.
Still it is painful to see these pictures of destruction. How must it be for the people living there to see houses and shops in their neighborhood turned into a pile of debris?
Feels odd to "like" your post, certainly I do not like what has happened. I rather feel like crying, because some of the places I know well enough from visits. Take the "like" as some kind of virtual hug.
I don't think there's thread to share your bittersweetness, so I'll just write here. It's been almost two years since I wrote in this thread about how absolutely awful I found life to be. ...Then things got worse. ...And then the pandemic struck.
Life has been one hell of a struggle since then, since I decided that I didn't want to succumb to my own depression and anxiety. And despite the pandemic, I have actually started to feel so much better, even though I still relapse at times. I have gained a better understanding of myself and why I think and act like I do. I feel calmer. All in all, something for the "share your joy" thread.
But at the same time I feel so much pain over the things I've lost on the way. I've had to adjust my life in ways I didn't really want to. My energy levels are significantly lower than they used to be. I feel calmer, but also exhausted. Like I spent all my life running and now finally started to slow down enough to feel how close to collapse I am. I often wish that I would have slowed down ten or fifteen years ago instead.
That's the main reason I'm hardly active at all here anymore, even though I really enjoy these forums. It feels sad to look at my old comments here, and feel like I no longer have the energy to be as talkative as I used to be here. It's been a lot of fun, writing here, and hopefully I'll get back to it some day.
I still have tons of stuff to sort out in my life and my brain. Hopefully it will be easier going forward. Things are painful, but I'd rather have this bittersweet pain than be forever stuck staring into the abyss.
My parents are turning into elderly people. For some reason, they both seem sad. Maybe not to the point of clinical depression, but they just seem sad to me. I'm not really sure how I can help them. I've got a job, but they tell me that they don't need help with money, even though their pension funds aren't good. I've asked them if they want to see a shrink, but they say that it's no big deal. I've tried talking to them myself, but it seems that they're dealing with something that's beyond a conversation. After they retired, it's like they lost all sense of purpose in this world, and now they're just waiting to pass away. I hope they're not regretting how they lived their lives or the decisions that they made. Looking back at your life as an old person and regretting how you lived must be an awful experience. I most certainly don't want that for myself.
I'm usually good at solving problems, given enough time to study the issue. But I haven't figured out how to solve the sadness that my parents have. And, realistically, I don't think I'll be able to.
So... Been a while since I been here... And I'm not about to spew months of incidences here so let's just focus on recent events.
So to quote Eminem;
"Now he's doubling backwards and he's stumbling back
Slipped and fell, hit his back, boom, heard something go crack
Now he's up in the bathroom like he's busting a nap"
That bathroom floor... And rub side hurt yesterday, I'm just glad my head didn't hit a cabinet corner or toilet. Oh and the little towel rack came down with me since I grabbed it for balance while falling. Just another thing that broke this week.
My stove oven has been broken for over a year, I Could only broil with it, but now the rest of the stove wants to go with it. The entire oven no longer works and now the stove tops barely work.
...since I turned thirty last year... Let's just say I feel like I lost something. I'm a man who doesn't drink, done it rarely at social events and even then it was barely anything. Never even tasted vodka until I was like 26 and that was the only time during Christmas new years at the gallery I interned at... Yet, now I'm finding it difficult to just not just start drinking. It feels like I've failed in every aspect of life, that thing I was afraid would happen when I was young in highschool, has happened and now I'm just... Empty
Future hopes and dreams dashed.
Hopes of being a father like mine and inspiring a son or daughter to go after their own dreams, gone.
Hopes of being an established and respected artist in my field, maybe inspiring others with what I create or just bringing joy or evoking any kind of emotion... Gone.
It's is said as boys and young men, we hold no value to society except dying on a battle field as Cannon fodder, and it's not until men turn 30, is usually when they start gaining social value. 30 is the turning point where we are suppose to go from being in debt to start having something in our back accounts.
Yet all I have is a constant wonder of when will the bitterness start sitting in. The whole lock down was a nice year long escape goat for taking personal responsibility off myself but in the end all roads lead back to roam and I can't escape the fact I'm to blame at the end of the day. I made the choices that put me here, I chased the dream and I failed.
Oh and now faith and religion have started manifest in my head again now. Maybe because I'm back to being alone and so many things that use to either drive me or take up my thoughts don't do so as much anymore or maybe it's because I'm getting older. It doesn't matter I guess, but now I find myself constantly questioning myself again, am I a good person? Am I a moral person?
I was the only one who opened their door at 2 in the woman to a naked crying woman who could even barely speak English. Called the cops and sat with her until they came, but why? It was just common sense was it not?
Does my vices out weigh what little positives I have? Is there truly a heaven, what about a hell? If so then where an I destined to go after 13 years of Christianity, 4-5 year of atheism, and the remainder of my life taking the path of agnosticism...if I was to try to become a Christian again would I still be doomed to a lake of fire for my past vices, past negligence? It is said I can be forgiven, it is said I can be reborn, but is it true or is that just means hubris?
All I know for sure is I'm tired, in tired of my thoughts. I'm tired of my emotions, I'm tired of my failures. I keep telling myself something needs to change and that change needs to start with me. Do I need to give up art? The one thing I lived my entire life for? Do I need to give up any fragments of hope for happiness that I still maybe clinging to sense the happiness I seem to seek doesn't seem to be for me. Do I just need to give up this life, someone else more capable can then take my place? The change has to start with me... Maybe I just haven't bled all of my old blood dry yet. So I haven't been able to gain any fresh new blood.
My parents are turning into elderly people. For some reason, they both seem sad. Maybe not to the point of clinical depression, but they just seem sad to me. I'm not really sure how I can help them. I've got a job, but they tell me that they don't need help with money, even though their pension funds aren't good. I've asked them if they want to see a shrink, but they say that it's no big deal. I've tried talking to them myself, but it seems that they're dealing with something that's beyond a conversation. After they retired, it's like they lost all sense of purpose in this world, and now they're just waiting to pass away. I hope they're not regretting how they lived their lives or the decisions that they made. Looking back at your life as an old person and regretting how you lived must be an awful experience. I most certainly don't want that for myself.
I'm usually good at solving problems, given enough time to study the issue. But I haven't figured out how to solve the sadness that my parents have. And, realistically, I don't think I'll be able to.
The older the generation, the closer their purpose and who they are is tied to their work. Their is true with humanity in general but even more so with older gen.
For example, look at the young millionaires who retire by 30-35, they tend to change after they tire and no longer have a need to work usually that change is a loss of self and purpose. The best help I can figure is to help them try to find a new purpose something that they "need" to do or it won't get done.
My parents are turning into elderly people. For some reason, they both seem sad. Maybe not to the point of clinical depression, but they just seem sad to me. I'm not really sure how I can help them. I've got a job, but they tell me that they don't need help with money, even though their pension funds aren't good. I've asked them if they want to see a shrink, but they say that it's no big deal. I've tried talking to them myself, but it seems that they're dealing with something that's beyond a conversation. After they retired, it's like they lost all sense of purpose in this world, and now they're just waiting to pass away. I hope they're not regretting how they lived their lives or the decisions that they made. Looking back at your life as an old person and regretting how you lived must be an awful experience. I most certainly don't want that for myself.
I'm usually good at solving problems, given enough time to study the issue. But I haven't figured out how to solve the sadness that my parents have. And, realistically, I don't think I'll be able to.
The older the generation, the closer their purpose and who they are is tied to their work. Their is true with humanity in general but even more so with older gen.
For example, look at the young millionaires who retire by 30-35, they tend to change after they tire and no longer have a need to work usually that change is a loss of self and purpose. The best help I can figure is to help them try to find a new purpose something that they "need" to do or it won't get done.
I'm sorry for your troubles @m7600 . Happiness is an interesting subject to research and I think many of us are chasing more happiness most of our lives and are frustrated as this chase never seems to cease.
Regarding your parents, from research there is a baseline of happiness that is biological for everyone and to become happier than your biological baseline, one needs to focus on creating habits that invest in 4 areas/quadrants in their lives (below, in no particular order):
1. Life philosophy or spirituality or faith or life belief system, etc. For many people this is their religion, but in fact it is bigger than that. Religion is part of this for most people, but also other philosophies can take this place, e.g. humanism, etc.
2. Family
3. Friendships
4. Work (but only if work is creating value and one feels they are earning their success, or they are serving others, later in life volunteer work can take the place of paid work)
When someone invests in these 4 areas of their life regularly, i.e. they feed quadrants 1-4 habitually, they will feel happier than their baseline happiest and can potentially reach their maximum level of consistent happiness.
This construct explains why getting another big toy, or a raise, or even winning the lottery does not lead to a long-term gain in someone's happiness. All of these areas need to be nurtured regularly.
There is a course free online from Yale that explores the concept of happiness if of interest to delve further into this topic.
Popping back in to say I did end up finding a decent job! It's 8 hour day shift job once I finish 2 weeks of training, 10am-6:30pm. It's a call center, work from home, and is 11$/hour. I do a third as much work but get paid more, so that's good for me. Only downside, it being a call center means I have to deal with people and the social anxiety doesn't like that, but at least I'll have a stable income and be able to afford food and fun stuff again.
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Now I am dealing with his daughter and her husband, who deliberately misgender me. Been years and so not fun. If they didn't know they never would, but now they are taking a stand for their religion. I want to tell them to, Fuck Off, but I can't. He wanted so much to reconnect with his daughter. I don't know what to do but I know that I will never do anything to cause more of a rift between his family and him. He may be gone but their perceptions of him remain.
In all honesty they are nice except for the deliberate misgendering, and she is trying not to. Mostly it is just her husband now. Doesn't matter though, they want me to come with them to market on Friday, will not ever happen. I was beaten and left for dead because my sister-in-law misgendered me, years and years ago. It will never happen again. Everyone sees me as I am, they just know because Pete was so open about me. I did not want to hide. May be time for me to rethink my stance on that. Meh, whatever.
It is misery to be here with them to be honest, even though they don't sleep here. The pain from when he passed away is my constant companion. It was getting easier for me before they came. Just a few more days nad they will be gone, cannot wait but I have to.
Anyone who ever says, life is what you make it? I just want to give them one taste of my life. Grr! Parrents that didn't want me, grandparents that constantly wanted me to be something I could never be and continuously threatened me with the state home if I couldn't be the boy they wanted, the uncle who they gave me to who made me less than nothing, beat me and molested me simply because they could not "fix" me, the things he did to me while taking pictures, the rape and isolation when everyone found out who I was, trying to figure out my life alone when I was 15 and could no longer live with a family that cared more about what people thought of them then had ever cared about me, the next 30 years alone, afraid and so scared that anyone would ever get to know the real me because who could ever care about someone like me, then miraculously someone did, accepted everything about me completely, then he is gone and you still can't hurt anyone. So you never say anything, just take their hurt and hope they will go away so you can feel numb again.
Anyone who says, Life is what you make it... They can all burn in hell.
I am not okay. No one needs to worry about me though, I can take care of myself or not, my problem and no one elses.
I really, really, really appreciate the concern though. I don't understand it and don't know why anyone would ever be concerned about me, but it means more to me than you could possibly know.
Thank you. Really, with all of me I thank you all.
Is it weird of me that I love the story, yet still feel they are so dark that I cannot watch them?
I read tbe books, when the Mountain crushed that guys head I closed the book and never picked them up again, never watched the series. I stopped watching Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU long ago. I started to struggle with depression for days after.
It is not okay, you understand that? These two programs are dark beyond all belief. You understand that right?
Why has everyone made doing the right rhing wrong? Do the right thing, not so hard. I hate those shows. Hate them.
How does someone make a story that only Hitler or Genghis Khan could find fascinating? Not judging, as I said the stories are next level, amazing and compelling. Everyone that watches Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU, The Game of Thrones, I don't know. Is it okay?
That is a serious question. Is it okay? At what time do we disassociate from reality? Are our children more susceptible?
The sadness comes from my nephew who used both to assult my logic. Do you ever fear the generations we are creating?
SVU is pretty dark all things considered for a prime-time network show. There isn't anything particularly impressive about the writing, acting, or direction. Assuming you can handle the subject matter, they are just very easy to digest in bite-size viewing sessions. Who is the real culprit?? Will justice be served, or will they get off on a technicality?? But yeah, I have no idea how you keep recycling the same sex crimes for 20+ episodes over 20+ seasons. And I don't imagine it would be a particularly easy show for survivors of sexual assault or abuse to watch.
As for Game of Thrones, most of the great TV since the late '90s has been awfully dark and populated by anti-heroes. The Sopranos, Deadwood The Wire, Breaking Bad. Game of Thrones is particularly brutal to it's characters, and gives not a single fuck about whether the audience likes one of them or not. Almost everyone is potentially on the chopping block any given week. I am usually not one to complain about these sort of things, but the writing and drop in quality from a purely narrative and dialogue standpoint in the last two seasons of this show is just jaw-droppingly bad, worse in hindsight than it even was at the time.
There is a scene in what I think is probably the second season of Deadwood with the late Powers Boothe that is just incredibly disturbing the first time you watch it, and doesn't get a hell of alot easier on repeat viewings. But it takes real craft and skill to elicit that kind of reaction.
I think back to the rape scene in "The Accused" with Jodie Foster, and I've never watched it a second time, because it feels like it's totally real. This is one thing I don't tolerate gratuitously in movies. If you're gonna include a rape scene, it better have a real purpose, and not just be thrown in for shock value. The horror movies in recent years that basically use the rape of a young girl as a jumping off point for her to then go on a revenge killing spree are repulsive beyond all belief.
I love Bridgerton! Can't believe the duke is not coming back next season.
I understand that. I don't watch anything with rape in it period. I was so interested in Outlander then... I just stopped watching it. Jodie Foster in The Accused was so eerily accurate I watched the whole thing and didn't speak to anyone for almost two months.
It just feels too real.
EDIT: Earlier today I was remembering the movie Otis and thinking about how stressful it was to watch. This stuff has always been painful for me, even before the transition.
Spend 20 minutes bearing your soul then have it erased.
I won't do it again.
This is so terrible for me to admit.
I can't stop from peeing.myself. Can't. I am so careful but yeah, still happens. No one cares. Everyone treats me like an anomaly.. I have done the VA I have done civilian health care doesn't matter, they all seem so uncomfortable with my anatomy..
I hate you. I have never hurt anyone, ever. Yes I am older, yes I am different, why can't anyone treat me like a human being though?
Not lying, I hate you all. Over and over again I have been treated as less than. I can't even get competent health care.
You have broken me, is that not enough? Meh, wnatever.
They think I am a deviant. Pervert. They assume I am a pervert. Like, seriously? Everyone sees a trans person as one thing. I don't know what I am but promiscuous I am not. Kay, nothing wrong with what an an adult does with a consenting adult. Don't mean to say they are in any way are perverted. Just.... well, I have never done anything with anyone. The fact that doctors always assume I am out doing any guy that will have me is offensive in the extreme.
How absurd, to think bladder problems could be the result of an std when you haven't had sex in 35-40 years. That sounds even more absurd then the doctor who told me when I get older I still might want children when I asked for a sterilization and never ever have wanted to put children in this fucked-up world. Now it's not needed anymore, as I never have sex anymore anyway, but that a doctor thinks that your problems stem from an std after clearly stating you never had sex for decennia is indeed an outrageous insult. They're basically calling you out to being a liar.
I have no idea why people would want to see gruesome acts. When my wife watched game of thrones that was also the episode in which I said this series was already pornography in the first seasons, and now it is even more fucked up. I stopped watching it ever since but I cannot get the image of of my head.
Same as the hannibal movie, pure garbage that my friend was watching when I entered and I'm scarred for life.
It could be mental-physical that you do not notice the muscles anymore and training can help (as in always go to the toilet 15-30 minutes after every drink,before going out, and before bed). It could be psychological from fear, fidgeting, too much on your mind, stress, etc. Then those triggers need to be identified and addressed. It could also just be physical as an impairment.
But anyhow, that can take a trajectory to go through to identify the cause, let alone the cure. If the only thing they do is the std test even if you say it cannot be that, then that is negligence.
I like my doctors at the VA but anything to do with certain things they pretty much just do bloodwork and a urine test then say, I don't know. I have given up on getting help. I mange it okay now. Then I am laying in bed crying, feel I have to go, only twelve steps but I didn't make it. I get so upset then bother all the nice people here, not everyone here's problem that I am pathetic.
I am so, so sorry. Going to hide away in shame for a while. Take care.
Doctors should explain to you their reasoning for the intervention or follow up, and you should feel comfortable enough to inquire and question them openly if you do not understand or if you disagree.
They are people persons, they should be able to explain. For all I know birth control medication will balance out the hormones and do something useful for your ailment even as a trans person, but that should become fully clear when you ask them.
In this case though, I doubt it...
Is there no hope to see a doctor outside the VA? To find a specialist without having to go through them?
Minority demographics in this country quite frequently have their legitimate concerns dismissed out of hand by doctors. This is especially true if the ones complaining of pain or symptoms is a woman. For trans women, I assume it's even MORE of an uphill climb.
Houses and cars just washed away, motorways, roads and bridges destroyed, and what the flood didn't destroy is covered in mud and debris. Many colleagues have lost their homes, people have died, many are still missing (fortunately nobody I know personally). The hospital where I work has been evacuated, there won't be electricity or running water in some areas for weeks at least, some things will take months to repair and others won't ever be the same again.
Our family was very lucky, and I'm grateful for that, but after reading and hearing and talking about it only on the news and via phone or messages, I'm nervous about going home, seeing it and understanding that it's real.
That your house is still intact, that you still have energy, access to fresh water and all that.
I have relatives living in one of the flood regions. Thankfully, they are alive and still have a home.
Still it is painful to see these pictures of destruction. How must it be for the people living there to see houses and shops in their neighborhood turned into a pile of debris?
Feels odd to "like" your post, certainly I do not like what has happened. I rather feel like crying, because some of the places I know well enough from visits. Take the "like" as some kind of virtual hug.
Life has been one hell of a struggle since then, since I decided that I didn't want to succumb to my own depression and anxiety. And despite the pandemic, I have actually started to feel so much better, even though I still relapse at times. I have gained a better understanding of myself and why I think and act like I do. I feel calmer. All in all, something for the "share your joy" thread.
But at the same time I feel so much pain over the things I've lost on the way. I've had to adjust my life in ways I didn't really want to. My energy levels are significantly lower than they used to be. I feel calmer, but also exhausted. Like I spent all my life running and now finally started to slow down enough to feel how close to collapse I am. I often wish that I would have slowed down ten or fifteen years ago instead.
That's the main reason I'm hardly active at all here anymore, even though I really enjoy these forums. It feels sad to look at my old comments here, and feel like I no longer have the energy to be as talkative as I used to be here. It's been a lot of fun, writing here, and hopefully I'll get back to it some day.
I still have tons of stuff to sort out in my life and my brain. Hopefully it will be easier going forward. Things are painful, but I'd rather have this bittersweet pain than be forever stuck staring into the abyss.
I'm usually good at solving problems, given enough time to study the issue. But I haven't figured out how to solve the sadness that my parents have. And, realistically, I don't think I'll be able to.
So to quote Eminem;
"Now he's doubling backwards and he's stumbling back
Slipped and fell, hit his back, boom, heard something go crack
Now he's up in the bathroom like he's busting a nap"
That bathroom floor... And rub side hurt yesterday, I'm just glad my head didn't hit a cabinet corner or toilet. Oh and the little towel rack came down with me since I grabbed it for balance while falling. Just another thing that broke this week.
My stove oven has been broken for over a year, I Could only broil with it, but now the rest of the stove wants to go with it. The entire oven no longer works and now the stove tops barely work.
...since I turned thirty last year... Let's just say I feel like I lost something. I'm a man who doesn't drink, done it rarely at social events and even then it was barely anything. Never even tasted vodka until I was like 26 and that was the only time during Christmas new years at the gallery I interned at... Yet, now I'm finding it difficult to just not just start drinking. It feels like I've failed in every aspect of life, that thing I was afraid would happen when I was young in highschool, has happened and now I'm just... Empty
Future hopes and dreams dashed.
Hopes of being a father like mine and inspiring a son or daughter to go after their own dreams, gone.
Hopes of being an established and respected artist in my field, maybe inspiring others with what I create or just bringing joy or evoking any kind of emotion... Gone.
It's is said as boys and young men, we hold no value to society except dying on a battle field as Cannon fodder, and it's not until men turn 30, is usually when they start gaining social value. 30 is the turning point where we are suppose to go from being in debt to start having something in our back accounts.
Yet all I have is a constant wonder of when will the bitterness start sitting in. The whole lock down was a nice year long escape goat for taking personal responsibility off myself but in the end all roads lead back to roam and I can't escape the fact I'm to blame at the end of the day. I made the choices that put me here, I chased the dream and I failed.
Oh and now faith and religion have started manifest in my head again now. Maybe because I'm back to being alone and so many things that use to either drive me or take up my thoughts don't do so as much anymore or maybe it's because I'm getting older. It doesn't matter I guess, but now I find myself constantly questioning myself again, am I a good person? Am I a moral person?
I was the only one who opened their door at 2 in the woman to a naked crying woman who could even barely speak English. Called the cops and sat with her until they came, but why? It was just common sense was it not?
Does my vices out weigh what little positives I have? Is there truly a heaven, what about a hell? If so then where an I destined to go after 13 years of Christianity, 4-5 year of atheism, and the remainder of my life taking the path of agnosticism...if I was to try to become a Christian again would I still be doomed to a lake of fire for my past vices, past negligence? It is said I can be forgiven, it is said I can be reborn, but is it true or is that just means hubris?
All I know for sure is I'm tired, in tired of my thoughts. I'm tired of my emotions, I'm tired of my failures. I keep telling myself something needs to change and that change needs to start with me. Do I need to give up art? The one thing I lived my entire life for? Do I need to give up any fragments of hope for happiness that I still maybe clinging to sense the happiness I seem to seek doesn't seem to be for me. Do I just need to give up this life, someone else more capable can then take my place? The change has to start with me... Maybe I just haven't bled all of my old blood dry yet. So I haven't been able to gain any fresh new blood.
For example, look at the young millionaires who retire by 30-35, they tend to change after they tire and no longer have a need to work usually that change is a loss of self and purpose. The best help I can figure is to help them try to find a new purpose something that they "need" to do or it won't get done.
I'm sorry for your troubles @m7600 . Happiness is an interesting subject to research and I think many of us are chasing more happiness most of our lives and are frustrated as this chase never seems to cease.
Regarding your parents, from research there is a baseline of happiness that is biological for everyone and to become happier than your biological baseline, one needs to focus on creating habits that invest in 4 areas/quadrants in their lives (below, in no particular order):
1. Life philosophy or spirituality or faith or life belief system, etc. For many people this is their religion, but in fact it is bigger than that. Religion is part of this for most people, but also other philosophies can take this place, e.g. humanism, etc.
2. Family
3. Friendships
4. Work (but only if work is creating value and one feels they are earning their success, or they are serving others, later in life volunteer work can take the place of paid work)
When someone invests in these 4 areas of their life regularly, i.e. they feed quadrants 1-4 habitually, they will feel happier than their baseline happiest and can potentially reach their maximum level of consistent happiness.
This construct explains why getting another big toy, or a raise, or even winning the lottery does not lead to a long-term gain in someone's happiness. All of these areas need to be nurtured regularly.
There is a course free online from Yale that explores the concept of happiness if of interest to delve further into this topic.
https://news.yale.edu/2018/02/20/yales-most-popular-class-ever-be-available-coursera
I wish you and your parents well!