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The topic for unhappiness/vent your sorrow

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  • LadyRhianLadyRhian Member Posts: 14,694
    @Kitteh_On_A_Cloud Here in the states, there are two parts to the Driving Exam. The first is a short test to get your learner's permit. Then, you get a year to learn before you actually have to take the practical driving test. When you have a learner's permit, you can only drive when you have another driver, with a license, in the car. I failed my first practical test- so my Dad let me drive everywhere during the second year (with Him or Mom also in the car). By the time of my second practical test, I had a year's worth of driving under my belt and passed with flying colors.

    How is it where you live?

    Nonnahswriter
  • HeindrichHeindrich Member, Moderator Posts: 2,959
    LadyRhian said:


    How is it where you live?

    @LadyRhian
    I think she lives in Belgium.


    I'd like to take the driving exam, sure, but as I said, I'm a slow learner. There's no way I can cram 150 pages in my head in just a couple of days. I just can't. It's proved in the past that I can't, as I had to change my studies for it, even. When I was younger, that wasn't a problem, but the last couple of years, it really has. And why would I even study for that driving exam if it currently doesn't interest me? Why would I study under pressure because my parents THREATEN me? Something like that really doesn't motivate me at all, you know. Submitting to their request would just be that: submitting. Giving them the signal of 'O hey, we can pull this shit on our daughter and get away with it'. What will be the next thing they threaten me with? Sorry, but I also got my pride. I certainly am prepared to study for this, but NOT in this way. Not when they threaten me with my relationship, which is already hard enough as it is because we can see each other so little.

    I don't know anything about the driving test in Belgium, but I did my test in the UK, which is one of the toughest places to get a license (at least compared to the countries I know about). Even so, the theory side of it (including Hazard Perception test) is pretty easy. Yes there's a sizeable book of information to digest about road signs, car maintenance and rules of the road, but most of it is reasonably common sense, and I studied it all in two afternoons cramming sessions and passed the test with by a large margin.

    Studying is all about focus and mentality. I am not saying everyone is the same, but the differences between people are minor compared to their basic capabilities. If you keep saying that you are a "slow learner" and believe that you are a slow learner, then you will be a slow learner.

    I am not just another "high-flyer" having a go at you and telling you to "think positive". I know painfully well how difficult it is to do something even if you understand the principles. I am merely stressing the importance of attitude and confidence in performance, whether it's something physical or something intellectual.

    When I was younger and "in my prime", I believed I could do anything and I told myself that everything was easy for me... And that turned into a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Whilst others stressed about exams, I'd face what would seem like a hopeless situation (brought about by laziness) and calmly and confidently deal with it methodically and efficiently, with the confidence that "I will always find a way". Most of the time, I did, including the time I realised I only had 2 days to go before my driving theory test and I hadn't read a page of the book.

    Since then I've suffered a few big set-backs and disappointments in life, and my confidence and motivation has been repeatedly knocked and deflated. It shocked and frightened me how much my changed attitudes and moods had such a physical impact on my physical and intellectual capability. I literally felt dumber and became dumber! However I tell myself that I am the same person I was when I was younger, and so I battle against the instinct to accept the vicious cycle of depression.

    image

    This cycle can be both positive and negative. If your cycle is negative, fight to break out of it, resist it. You might not always succeeded, but if you give up, then you certainly won't. Once you get into a positive cycle, then everything just falls into place, and even when things go wrong, it doesn't stop the momentum of your progress. I still have vague memories of that feeling. I will get there again. :)

    jackjacksemiticgod
  • HeindrichHeindrich Member, Moderator Posts: 2,959


    And why would I even study for that driving exam if it currently doesn't interest me? Why would I study under pressure because my parents THREATEN me? Something like that really doesn't motivate me at all, you know. Submitting to their request would just be that: submitting. Giving them the signal of 'O hey, we can pull this shit on our daughter and get away with it'. What will be the next thing they threaten me with? Sorry, but I also got my pride. I certainly am prepared to study for this, but NOT in this way. Not when they threaten me with my relationship, which is already hard enough as it is because we can see each other so little.

    Oh I forgot to actually address the main point of this quote.

    I don't know about your specific circumstances and I don't know your parents. However, I will hazard to guess that they love you and have your best interests at heart. They may be annoying, controlling and see you as a child even though you feel grown up, but at the end of the day, they nag and hassle you because they want to see you do well.


    I totally understand your frustration and indignity. I am a single child in a Chinese family, which means that not only do I get all the undivided love and attention of my parents, I also shoulder the pressure of carrying the hope and expectation of my family and deal with over-protective parents who have no other children to worry about. For example my parents just want me to find a safe and stable job with stable income and long term job security. They want me to find a "nice" (kind, obedient and polite) girl, marry her and start a family. My Dad literally says that he lives for me!

    I know he means well, but that kind of love and expectation is suffocating. I want the freedom to pursue my own aspirations and ambitions, take risks and experience all the highs and lows of life that comes with it. I would rather stay single and perhaps never marry if I don't find a girl who I genuinely love. Why must I settle for the safe and comfortable? Yes I've been badly burnt by bad decisions, but it is my right to make them and my parents have no right to shelter me from them. Does that make me selfish? I don't think so, it is my own life.


    I can be prideful, and I seethe with indignation when treated like a child. I might lash out against strangers, but what can I do when it is my parents, who I love and respect, and who I know have my best interests at heart? I have rebelled in the past. For example if I was planning to play a game for an hour and then do my work, but my Mum nags me about playing a game, then I might stop (cos you don't disobey a Chinese mother! lol) but then I refuse to work all evening and just sit twiddling my thumbs in quiet rage and defiance, which makes me feel better in the short term because I hate being forced to do anything, and my pride cannot accept it.

    However with the hindsight of years, I now see how childish and foolish that rebellion was. I gained nothing from it and at the end of the day, my parents have been right about most of the big decisions I rebelled about. Who knows, maybe in a few years time, I'll really regret not marrying the girl they tried to arrange for me. :D

    ps: I am semi-joking about the arranged marriage. Modern Chinese culture is not so strict like historically, when Confucian traditions meant that my parents actually had the right to arrange my marriage! They merely suggested a girl they liked and encouraged me to "go after her" for years, even though I wasn't interested. My Mum was actually distraught when she finally got a boyfriend.

    pps: I put some of the above into a spoiler box cos I realised I had gone off on a rant about my own frustrations whilst trying to address yours!

    booinyoureyesBlackravensemiticgod
  • meaglothmeagloth Member Posts: 3,806
    @Kitteh_On_A_Cloud‌ I would not stress the driving test. I realize it's much harder in Europe, but here in the states I obtained the learners permit @LadyRhian‌ mentioned vey recently, and it was mostly common sense, and a little knowledge of driving etiquette. I probably live in one of the most driving-lax states around, so the test was 25 four-answer multiple choice questions, failing when you reached 6 incorrect answers. I took it my first time not having studied in the slightest(I'm. very similar to @Heindrich‌ in this respect. I essentially do not study, absorbing anything I didn't already know in class, as the U.S. School system is a little more than a joke, in the rich areas. This has proven less effective now that high school has started, and I may have to start doing homework soon D: ) and took the test, failing quickly. I took it a second time, and made it through. Then I the took a laughable vision and road sign test.

    While this Jansen-length story may only make you feel worse for living in a place where they take driving and teenage stupidity seriously, I hope it helps. The point is you should have a go at it, and not worry to much. Psychological preparedness is probably more important on something as common-sense bound as a theoretical drivers exam.

    I would also warn against the "vicious cycle" and "slippery slope that some others have mentioned. As a moody teenager myself, I understand how you feel. How you feel is exactly that; how you feel about your environment. The environment may not change, but they way you look at it can. If you can convince yourself that it's better than you feel it is now, than it will be, because you're feelings are entirely up to you.

    I hope I helped some.

  • booinyoureyesbooinyoureyes Member Posts: 6,162
    Heindrich said:

    This likely has something to do with the fact that the US, China and Russia are very much driven by Political Realism, and only in Europe (as far as I am aware) does Political Liberalism hold some weight amongst policy makers.

    @Heindrich‌ The French government's actions in Mali, Libya and Syria say otherwise. It is funny that they claim to have ideological rather than practical purposes for intervening militarily, yet only seem to do so in their two most valuable former colonies while not in somewhere like Sudan.

    Also, lets not forget the UK government's involvement in every single war the US government has been involved in during the past 20 years. I think you have a very rosy outlook on Europe, and that in reality power politics is alive and well there.

    I agree with your take that Realpolitik is what is driving most major powers (and always has), but I think that denying that this also applies to the major European powers (with Germany perhaps being the one exception) is simply incorrect.

    jackjackBlackraven
  • NWN_babaYagaNWN_babaYaga Member Posts: 732
    edited March 2014
    I´m unhappy and deeply angered by the "western media" muppets how they fail to talk about the whole thing about the ukraine. People who think they know anything with the givin out information they eat trough the regular TV channels are as guilty as the ass..... behind the coup. If one chooses stupidity over education there is no excuse for living in an illusion based of lies or slightly changed truth...

    Another problem is the dogma of idiology like communism vs. capitalism... who thinks in those terms only is living in a very small box which ultimately leads to another piece of idiocy ontop of the uneducated mind by loving biased media.

    thanks!

    I´m a pro-russian german!

  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    I am upset that my wife and I haven't had a baby yet. Over 18 months of trying and no. Both of us have been tested and there is nothing wrong with either of us according to the doctors, but it just won't happen.

    And I'm worried that she's going to give up on me. She wouldn't do it consciously, I know she loves me, but I'm afraid that it'll happen without her even knowing it, or being able to control it.

    jackjackBlackravensemiticgod
  • jackjackjackjack Member Posts: 3,248

    I am upset that my wife and I haven't had a baby yet. Over 18 months of trying and no. Both of us have been tested and there is nothing wrong with either of us according to the doctors, but it just won't happen.

    And I'm worried that she's going to give up on me. She wouldn't do it consciously, I know she loves me, but I'm afraid that it'll happen without her even knowing it, or being able to control it.

    I'm not a doctor so I won't pretend to give you medical advice, but the rest of my family are in fact MDs, (I'm the black sheep), and they would tell you that stress is often a major factor in conception.
    As irrational as it sounds, it may be best for you to force yourself to relax and be patient - not coincidentally, this is also good practice for when you become a parent.

  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    Well man, I don't really have a stress problem. I don't really drink much at all, and i'm pretty happy with the work I do. I get along with most everybody in my office, and I love my wife and we rarely fight and are good at resolving things.

    I'm not really look for advice, I've heard it all, but i'll shamelessly take sympathy :)

    jackjackBlackraven
  • booinyoureyesbooinyoureyes Member Posts: 6,162
    Just found out my favorite cousin got stabbed yesterday in Toronto :(

    jackjack
  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    That sucks bro. Hope your cousin is okay.

    booinyoureyesCrevsDaakBlackraven
  • O_BruceO_Bruce Member Posts: 2,761
    @booinyoureyes‌
    That's terrible. I can do no more than hope that your cousin is okay, and the attacker will be brought to justice.

    booinyoureyes
  • booinyoureyesbooinyoureyes Member Posts: 6,162
    Thanks guys. It was a workplace thing. Some jerk got fired and decided to stab four people.
    He is currently in critical condition, but we have passed the 24 hour mark and are therefore hopeful.

    Blackraven
  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    @Heindrich‌

    I am also an only child in a Chinese family. My parents used to nag me about video games and homework and stuff. But as I got older and still haven't heeded their nagging they began to see there was no point in continuing to nag. I guess they wanted to instill good habits when I was young, hoping that it would influence me when I got older. It probably worked for some things, but not for a lot of others. I'd say that it worked mostly in terms of traits and habits regarding ethics and social behavior (things that you kind of do without really thinking about them, like being polite and responsible), and not worked when it comes to activities and lifestyle choices (things that I choose to do because I like doing them, like playing video games and what I eat).

    I think now I actually do a lot more of the stuff they told me not to do than I ever did as a kid. I play hours of video games everyday, but they don't say anything about it anymore. Most of the reason is that I have a lot of games to get through, but I don't know if part of it is a result of them not letting me do it before that makes me want to do it even more now just because I can.

    My parents used to get on my case about doing my homework when I was in elementary school, but pretty much stopped when I got to high school. I was so lazy in university that I almost never did any homework because they didn't count for grades.

    Strangely, my parents have never nagged me about watching TV. Probably because they watch a lot of TV themselves.

    My dad is actually pretty good. He used to nag a bit when I was a kid, but I honestly can't remember the last time he did any nagging. We're quite close, and we joke, and do a lot of stuff together. He knows that I'm currently at an age where if it hasn't sunk in yet it never will. My mom still nags. It's kind of in her nature I suppose. But now whenever she nags, she knows that she runs a risk of just picking a fight. I guess the point is that they know I'll pretty much do what I want and not do what I don't want, regardless of what they say. My dad understands this and basically won't say anything about what I do unless it's really seriously wrong. I think my mom understands this too deep down, but she just can't help nagging. One time my mom and I had a big fight about her nagging me about something, and my dad confronted her to her face once that the nagging is really for her benefit more than mine, and the nagging will probably make me do the opposite of what she's nagging me to do.

    semiticgod
  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    They nag because they care and want the best for you. If you were my cousin or brother, i'd beat you senseless until you got out of the house and out on your own at this point. Guess that's the benefit of being an only child, no brother to take the nagging a step further to outright beatings.

  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    edited April 2014
    Lets say that I'm old enough that I really shouldn't be nagged at anymore. I can move out any time I want. I am relatively financially secure and can afford a place of my own. It is they that don't want me to move out. And frankly, none of us see a particularly good reason for me to move out. We're Asian, we don't move out until we get married.

    My dad actually said to my mom that if I move out and lived on my own, she wouldn't be able to nag me anymore, so she might as well stop now.

    And also, you say that they nag because they care and want the best for me, but if they know that nagging will make me want to do the opposite wouldn't it be in my best interest if they stopped nagging?

  • jackjackjackjack Member Posts: 3,248
    @booinyoureyes‌ Jesus man, I'm really sorry to hear that. I wish your cousin a full and speedy recovery.

    semiticgod
  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    I don't understand moving out until marriage. In the culture I am from, you out so a girl will find you marraige-worthy, so you can have privacy with her, and to get away from nagging parents.

    What it comes down to is, as long as you live with them they'll nag you. They love you and disagree with how you spend your time, hence nagging. This is as simple as the pythagorean theorum: A (love) + B s (disagreement) = C (nagging). Enjoy!

    CrevsDaak
  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    In Asian cultures, people usually don't move out before marriage because it doesn't make financial sense. It's as simple as that.

    Honestly, I don't think they care that I play games so much anymore. I think the main reason for the nagging before was because of schoolwork. But since I'm no longer in school I don't think they really give a shit. My mom sometimes nags about trivial things, which I end up not doing anyway.

    And shouldn't that theorem be: (A:love)^2 + (B:disagreement)^2 = (C:nagging)^2?

  • Son_of_ImoenSon_of_Imoen Member Posts: 1,761
    @booinyoureyes: heavy story, almost like a war story. Hope your cousin recovers well and doesn't suffer permanent injuries.

    Well, you can tell your kids (if you have or will have them) about the hero in the family.

    booinyoureyesCrevsDaakjackjackBlackraven
  • jackjackjackjack Member Posts: 3,248
    Hand tendon damage is scary territory, but if my experience is any indication, a full recovery is possible, it just takes a while.
    My story's nowhere near as exciting - I ran a serrated steak knife through my index finger while cooking D:

    booinyoureyesCrevsDaak
  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    Great news about your cousin man, you have hero blood in your family now. That's badass.

    Awong, do you actually live in Asia, or are you descended from an asian culture but live in America? From your flawless english I have to think you live in America. And if you do, work through the logic: It didn't make financial sense in Asia. That's not a problem in America. Hence, the logic supporting staying at home has been removed, so why keep doing it? Because it's easy is the true answer. Then again, you've already admitted to being lazy, so I guess this isn't a revelation.

    Bottom line, in America, the order of things is this: 1) 16 y.o. = car+girlfriend. 2) 18 y.o. = college+dorm/apartment+ girlfriend that can spend the night (yes!). 3) 22-23 y.o. = graduate + job/grad school + hopefully you've been smart and didn't get anyone pregnant. 4) 25-26 = job + possibly marraige + kids. 5) 29-30 = dang lots of pretty girls around, wish i wasn't married, oh well, she'll never know, shit, she found out, damn, divorce time. (hopefully this doesn't happen to you, but we've got like 66% divorce rate so odds are it will).

    If you deviate from these societal expectations here, you will have problems, mainly in the lady department. Online dating is beginning to change this, but only a little bit. Eventually the realities of your situation become known and you are back to square 1. There are exceptions. My friend Emily, a hot skinny redhead nerd, met her husband in the World of Warcraft. That guy is the luckiest man in the world....of warcraft. Do not count on this happening for you lol.

    If you live in China you can disregard everything I've said, because I have no understanding of how that world works. Dowries and arrangements or something is all I've heard, which shows my ignorance.

    And yes, the pythagorean theorm is squared but I couldn't figure out how to make a little 2 so I gave up.

    jackjackCrevsDaak
  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    edited April 2014
    I live in Canada actually. Whether or not it is the societal norm here, it still doesn't make financial sense to move out, either for me or my parents. It's obviously going to be more economical for a group of people to live together than living apart, it's just common sense. People who move out early just for the sake of moving out just gives themselves unnecessary financial hardship. I give money to my parents for living here (albeit at a large discount compared to actual rent). If I move out they'd lose that income, hence they don't particularly want me to move out. If I was going to pay rent or something, they'd prefer it was to them rather than to strangers. And in the end, the money I give them will end up coming back to me at some point. So you can imagine I have a decent amount of savings, and getting a place wouldn't be particularly difficult, especially renting. But renting is basically just flushing money down the toilet. The only difficult thing for me about living alone would be having to cook every night. But I've actually already worked that out. I'd just cook huge batches of food that lasts several days at a time. And I'd eat a lot of soup, because a big vat of soup lasts me like a week.

    Contrary to what you believe, I am not deviating from societal expectations. It might be true if I'm aspiring to date/marry a white girl. But even for most first generation Asian women (ie. those with parents who immigrated here) who grew up here, this is normal and they don't expect any different nor do they think living with your parents is a particularly bad thing (as far as I know). Unless they're married or they've moved to another city for work, most of my Asian friends still live with their parents, male and female.

    Also, one of the main reasons for not moving out that I almost forgot to mention is our cat. You might think it's silly, but we love our cat like he's our baby. My cat is actually particularly attached to me, and if I move out I'd most likely take him. I might be financially secure, but I'd still only be able to afford a smallish apartment. My cat is an indoor cat, and I'm not sure he'd be happy downsizing to a place 1/6 the size. So depending on how things go, I might have to wait until he dies before moving out. Unless I get married and our combined income can afford a bigger place.

    Post edited by Awong124 on
  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    Hey man, up to you. Whatever works for you. If i'm a first-generation asian woman, I'm going for that tall, fit, handsome canadian guy that has his own place. But i'm not an asian woman so i guess ur safe.

  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    I guess maybe Asian women don't don't want to marry the guy who has very little savings because it all went into the rent he's been paying since he was 18. Then she'd have to go through the hardship of saving up money with him for a down payment to get a decent place to actually own. They would probably rather be able to afford to buy a decent place right after marriage. Different values I guess. Most of my white friends my age that have moved out can only afford to rent.

  • ZaknafeinBaenreZaknafeinBaenre Member Posts: 348
    I think it's the same in Canada, but we do this thing called getting to know each other before marraige. Parents get in the way of that phase, so you can't really get to marraige because you never get past the getting to know each other part.

  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    edited April 2014
    I don't see why that would be the case. You can go out to know each other. And even though I said earlier that we usually don't move out before marriage, an exception is moving in together in a new place before marriage. That's not uncommon. But there's not really any good reason to move out alone. It's not economical.

    With that mindset, I'm not surprised that so many North Americans are in heavy debt. They never really gave themselves a good chance at the beginning. I don't understand why so many would voluntarily dig themselves into a hole right at the beginning of their adult lives that they would eventually have to claw themselves back out of. It's so much easier just to start debt free and start amassing savings right from the beginning. It's like it's the exception not the norm to be debt free. It's not uncommon for people to have thousands of dollars in credit card debt, which to me is mindboggling. I have never really officially been in financial debt in my life. The only time I've missed a full payment on my credit cards was when I accidentally made a payment with a bank account that had no money in it. So many people in the US getting second mortgages, third mortgages, defaulting on their mortgages. For what? So it's easier to pick up a few chicks? That is so incredibly short sighted. I'd rather know that if I want to start a family I'd have enough money saved up for a down payment on a house, and I'd be debt free with good credit (unless you count having a mortgage being in debt).

    Post edited by Awong124 on
    Son_of_Imoen
  • TJ_HookerTJ_Hooker Member Posts: 2,438
    Awong124 said:

    That's not uncommon. But there's not really any good reason to move out alone. It's not economical.

    Because you want to go to school, but there's none nearby?
    Because there aren't any job opportunities (or job opportunities in your chosen profession) nearby?
    Because not everyone has parents that will let them live at home indefinitely?
    Because not everyone has parents that will give them a good deal on rent (and cook for them to boot)?

    jackjack
  • Awong124Awong124 Member Posts: 2,643
    TJ_Hooker said:

    Awong124 said:

    That's not uncommon. But there's not really any good reason to move out alone. It's not economical.

    Because you want to go to school, but there's none nearby?
    Because there aren't any job opportunities (or job opportunities in your chosen profession) nearby?
    Because not everyone has parents that will let them live at home indefinitely?
    Because not everyone has parents that will give them a good deal on rent (and cook for them to boot)?
    I think I already mentioned the first two before, and those are legitimate. The other two you'd have to work out individually. And I thought it was clear that I was referring to moving out alone by choice.

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