@Chow: That certainly is one of my life's goals, yes. To be independent and lead my life in peace, without any issues. I don't even want to get rich, I just want to have enough money to be able to survive. I just don't like how they rub the fact that I'm still financially dependent on them in my face, which is certainly what happened yesterday. I mean, I arrive home from a long trip (got up at 4 am, had a 2 hour drive to Venice and then a plane flight of 1,5 hours) and get THAT thrown in my face!? It's beyond reasonable and frankly, detestable. I set one foot inside this house and get stormed with the whole 'you gotta work for your degree, you gotta get a driving license, you gotta get a job, yadda yadda yadda' preaching. It's the last day of my vacation. Give me a f***ing break. I sometimes get the impression my results (a 14 out of 20 for German grammar and a 15 out of 20 for a work on economical terms and expressions) just mean nothing to them. I DO work hard. I work when I have to. I respect deadlines. I put efffort into making good and clear presentations. And yet... I'm also fed up with how they're forcing their opinion on how I should spend my free time down my throat as well. I love gaming, while they of course consider gaming as something for kids. It's aggravating when I hear them say I do nothing else than gaming. I haven't even touched a single game in months. But apparently visiting a daily webcomic is the same as 'gaming' for them. *sigh*
Just missing my boyfriend a lot right now. I feel listless and empty all the time. Might be a cheesy thing to say, but at least he fully understands and respects me. Couldn't even find the motivation to do the assignments for today and tomorrow for college. Even though I've already read the book weeks ago, I was planning on rereading it yesterday, but didn't feel up to it. Another 60 days...It's hard, so very hard...
Even though this topic's pretty much forgotten, I still felt like posting here... I'm just so sick of the quarrels in the evening. About how they think I constantly play games... FFS, I can't work 24 hours straight, can I? I can't work if I DON'T have any work, can I? And yet they keep on NAGGING NAGGING NAGGING... It's driving me insane. The paranoia, the distrust, the 'obey or else' behaviour, the utter lack of respect and openness for discussion at times... They really still treat me like a toddler, thinking they still got anything to order me around with. I'm sick of having quarrels about a laptop, I'm sick of the provoking during dinner, I'm sick of my mom constantly bossing my sister around, hammering on and on how she has to work harder and harder, while the poor thing's still just 14. She'll be sick of school once high school ends, I'm sure. I know I whine a lot, guys. It's just that I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm basically stuck here at home on a silver leash till I finally get my degree. I'm sorry. I'm not a bad person, I love my family, but... I just want to live in peace. My boyfriend's family is so...different. So peaceful. No tantrums for staying up past 11, no quarrels for going to a particular website, no rushing around all day. I wish I could live my life like that. *sigh*
I'm sorry you're in such a bad place with your family, @Kitteh_On_A_Cloud. My family were a different kind of crazy than yours, but I can relate to struggling with a crazy family, whose values you do not share, and yet upon whom you must depend for financial support.
The only way out I see for you is to find some way to make your own money. I think that as long as you take a dime from them, your parents sound like they think they own you. "Take our money, live in our house, eat our food, use our power, we pay your tuition and buy your books, then you do what we say", seems to be their attitude, and I doubt that will change.
I hope for you that your college studies are going well, and that you will soon achieve the independence you crave.
@belgarathmth: Thanks for your post. Yeah, my family isn't the easiest of families, yet I love them very much. It's just that discussions are so easily sparked here and THAT is what I dislike. Sometimes I'd like to be taken a bit more serious by them, that's all. I'm not a teenager anymore, afterall. For example: I promised I would study for my driving license if I could see my boyfriend for at least one month during the summer vacations. It seemed like a fair deal to me, and it's not like we're financially restricted either. Yet they kept vague on that part on purpose. It's as if they sometimes aren't taking my relationship seriously. We both live in different countries and thus see each other quite little during the year. Am I asking for too much? I don't know. I always try to stay reasonable and think logically. But it's not always easy. Especially if you come back from a vacation, sit down behind the PC for a moment and receive a threat to not ever see your boyfriend again if you go to a certain website (completely innocent one) again. Worst Sunday ever.
I hate this place. I hate looking outside every single day and seeing it snow. Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow............
SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COLD!!!!!! I AM SICK TO DEATH OF LOOKING AT THIS EVIL WHITE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!! I hate..... Why can't it just be WARM in the MIDDLE of spring for ONCE?!?!?!?!!?
I HATE HAVING THIS FINANCIAL ANCHOR AROUND MY NECK AND ALL MY FAMILY LIVING IN THIS STUPID FROZEN WASTELAND!
I just want spring again. I just want to go out to catch animals at the lake again.... Is that so much to ask?
Even if I could move I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it because then I would loose my friends and family.
Feeling very stressed. Just today I heard that the medical re-examination every 5 years for durable and fully handicapped people gets re-introduced. It was abolished 5 years ago and since then I have been free of at least that kind of stress and rehearsing the talk with the examination-doctor in my head all those years. And now it's back. There's talk of cutbacks of 75% of help in the household as well. And life is already unbearable as it is now. I wish I could shut off my mind from everything that's wrong with life a bit more and being able to be less driven to change things. Without salary, my passion for work is already 150%, I wouldn't want the stress of having to earn a salary with it as well, it freaks me out. Being declared durably handicapped was one of the small (ahem, big) comforts of life. I feel tired, exhausted, nervous and restless.
Other sorrow: I wish I was better at comforting words for @Kitteh_on_a_Cloud, @Tresset, @DJKajuru, I'm very good at feeling other person's sorrow, I'm just very bad with dealing with it on an individual basis. That's one of the reasons I chose to work for mentally handicapped (*) people as a collective, speaking out to third parties, instead of helping on an individual basis the first parties, so to speak.
You're in my mind, I just don't know what to say. For Kitteh, I really wish she could find a way to settle on her own, but I don't think anything I could possibly say could help you to accomplish it. Except this little thing perhaps: at least in Holland, you get more studiebeurs when living on your own, or perhaps even that has changed, there was a lot to do about changing beurses into loans.
And then there's companies making billions of euro's not even paying proper taxes. This world ain't fair. And I'll die fighting to try to make it fair, but knowing I and the people I fight with will never succeed to banish injustice completely makes me very down.
On the positive side: gaming helps me forget my worries. But you can't game all the time or it would become an addiction.
*Edit: what are we people with psychiatric diagnoses called in English? 'Psychisch gehandicapt' translates by Google translate into 'mentally handicapped' (depression, anxiety, schizofrenia), yet 'mentally handicapped', like 'mentally disabled' translates back in Dutch to 'verstandelijk gehandicapten' (low IQ - which I certainly don't have).
I feel handicapped by a lack of understanding of the English language. Finding non-stigmatizing terms is hard enough in Dutch as it is. I for one don't like 'psychiatric patients' - sounds far too passive. Grmmbl.
@Son_of_Imoen: It's ok. I don't mind your ranting. Thanks for the sympathetic words, I really appreciate it. My life ain't half bad, but I have seen how it could be even better, and I am striving, slowly but surely, towards making it better. And I know my family's supporting me. We just are a bit lunatic now and then and I got my bad moments myself. But hey, I'm not poor, I can still continue studying and I get fed daily. I shouldn't complain, actually. But sometimes it's just hard. Anyway, I'm Dutch myself, so I understand what you're looking for concerning the 'psychisch gehandicapt' thingie you mentioned, yet I should look it up myself. Maybe you could explain your condition a bit better, too? It would help me understand you even better! And don't worry, your English is really good.
So, foolish me decided to help my little sister with her end project for her course on Latin for school. Now you have to know that my sister and my mom are both quite alike: both emotionally unstable. The shouting. My throat just hurts. I tried (like always) to stay rational and reasonable. They both were panicking 'cus the deadline's tomorrow. I stayed calm as I as a former university student (now college student) have experience with such things. I often had to write huge essays for a certain deadline and all of them were well received and on time, so I know what it's like. The way I handle such things is simple: be structural. Focus on the structure of your work. Don't take on everything at the same time. Work in steps. But this, of course, fell on deaf ears. They both were stressing so much and undermining each other so much, that I thought they'd lost their minds. I also discovered how utterly chaotic they both are. This is a problem because it only makes things more difficult. All of their information was messy as well. Now I know projects like these aren't easy, far from it! But these are basic things. So yeah, instead of working together, there just was a lot of stress and hurtful words being flung at each other. It really isn't fun working like this. I have no problems writing a good text, but I need to focus. I need silence, and there pretty much was none of that. My brother decided to be a provocative bitch again too and behaved childish, which only increased tensions. You see... I'm fed up with it. I feel used, even though I participated out of my own free will. This wasn't co-operation. This was 'do what we want or sod off'. A complete lack of respect. In any case, I'm satisfied with my work. I think I improved her project significantly and hope she will get a good mark for it. Why did I do it? Partially out of love, partially out of perfectionism. It's another one of my flaws. But it's one I consider valuable, because quality's hard to find nowadays, and I strive to make quality products. Oh well, just something I had to write down.
There's nothing more patethic than being on your brother's party with everyone being intoxicated except for you yourself and having to see all couples dance while knowing your own boyfriend is 1200 km apart from you. Even worse when your 14-year old sister gets invited to dance but they leave you sitting on the side. *deep sigh*
I didn't know changing your username was possible on these forums. It used to happen a lot on those other forums I went too regularly two years ago, the Bioware Social Network. People would change their username on a whim. It was quite confusing and annoying at times. Anyway, @typo_tilly, I'm glad we got another person having the courage to point out the difference between 'there','they're' and 'their'. It has been bothering me during my time on the internet. Especially people whose mother tongue is English should be ashamed of themselves. Tsk tsk. Not like I never make mistakes either, though.
@Son_of_Imoen, the polite English term for the group of conditions that includes schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is "mental illnesses".
Thanks for the clarification, Belgarath. I guess my vision got a bit clouded for wanting too much of my own experience into the term. I experience at limiting (hence: handicap) mostly lately. The contrast for instance with how energetic my parents and brother are. Luckily it gets accepted if I visit my brother's new house and I go sit in the sun reading a book while they are decorating the walls. Being in Amsterdam is tiring enough at it is, with all it's busy-ness. I'm glad they accept me for how I am.
Anyway, @typo_tilly, I'm glad we got another person having the courage to point out the difference between 'there','they're' and 'their'. It has been bothering me during my time on the internet.
The heir with blond hair will be king, and I s'pose his spouse will be queen. I'd query for a queer on the throne, but then we'd have to deal with two kings too.
Sorry, bit of sillishness on my part. Now it's up to Tilly to see if there's typos (there are typos, how does it abbreviate? there'? the're?).
*edit: Holland will have a king in two days after over a century of queens. It will take some getting used to. And I get sick of all the 'orange news' in the media - feeling sorry my avatar is orange now... Let the blue-crossed eyes express my wish for a ceremonial president of Holland, just like our eastern neighbours have.
Feeling quite lonely as off lately. Missing my boyfriend terribly. It's tough living apart. Only 15 of the 55 days have passed and I'm already like this... I just feel we're wasting so much time, and missing out on so many experiences and nice things... But on the other hand, I couldn't live with another guy. I'm patient, but sometimes the wait is just driving me crazy.
It's a very positive article with some very good points. Also, be sure to read the top comments. The first one is from a guy who had a crappy life with a crappy and indoctrinating family but random people from a forum he frequented pooled together money and drove over state lines to get him out of that situation. The internet contains a lot of rage, cursing, discrimination and misplaced rightiousness but sometimes it also produces some very nice things.
Feeling very restless. Been to the commemoration of the dead last weekend on 4 mei, when Holland commemorates the dead of the 2nd world war (and other wars since), it was very impressive, on the Waalsdorpervlakte. A long column of people shuffling through the silent dunes where in the war years people of the resistance where excecuted. The falling dark, the long shuffling along, the torches in the dark, the booming of the bell. It made a big impression. Besides that I've been beachwalking the afternoon before with the same friend I visited the commemomation, and the night before, been talking in the late hours for we hadn't seen eachother for two years.
Long story short: it gives a mental backlash to have experienced so much in so few days. When back home, there was lots of work to do: e-mails checking on monday, a meeting on tuesday, I'm very enthusiastic in organising yet another meeting with clients in a nearby village and people from politics. All good work, but I get very restless and animated because of it. Couldn't sleep until 4:30 last night. As a let-of for all the adrenalin I've been gaming and watching youtube videos till deep in the night.
On a less personal level, I feel the stress of society: working people are sacked by their bosses to be employed as 'little indepents' just for certain tasks, leaving them without rights and pensions, people with handicaps need to be 'self-sufficient' and have to look for family and friends for support before they can get help from professional care, in Bangladesh a clothing factory collapse and now AVAAZ asks me to be critical to the clothing companies H&M and GAP (I don't even know what GAP clothes are) on those company's facebook pages. And neo-liberal ideology treats people as competitors of eachother looking after their own interests instead of seeing people as caring entities. Plus all the information stress. This society is spinning on a way too rapid speed and my mind is much too sensitive for all these developments. Wish I could focus on my own things more instead of being a canary in a coalmine of societal wrongs and stresses.
Comments
The only way out I see for you is to find some way to make your own money. I think that as long as you take a dime from them, your parents sound like they think they own you. "Take our money, live in our house, eat our food, use our power, we pay your tuition and buy your books, then you do what we say", seems to be their attitude, and I doubt that will change.
I hope for you that your college studies are going well, and that you will soon achieve the independence you crave.
SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE COLD!!!!!! I AM SICK TO DEATH OF LOOKING AT THIS EVIL WHITE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!! I hate..... Why can't it just be WARM in the MIDDLE of spring for ONCE?!?!?!?!!?
I HATE HAVING THIS FINANCIAL ANCHOR AROUND MY NECK AND ALL MY FAMILY LIVING IN THIS STUPID FROZEN WASTELAND!
I just want spring again. I just want to go out to catch animals at the lake again.... Is that so much to ask?
Even if I could move I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it because then I would loose my friends and family.
I hate this place....
T.T
That sucks man, my condolences
/pat
You're in my mind, I just don't know what to say. For Kitteh, I really wish she could find a way to settle on her own, but I don't think anything I could possibly say could help you to accomplish it. Except this little thing perhaps: at least in Holland, you get more studiebeurs when living on your own, or perhaps even that has changed, there was a lot to do about changing beurses into loans.
And then there's companies making billions of euro's not even paying proper taxes. This world ain't fair. And I'll die fighting to try to make it fair, but knowing I and the people I fight with will never succeed to banish injustice completely makes me very down.
On the positive side: gaming helps me forget my worries. But you can't game all the time or it would become an addiction.
*Edit: what are we people with psychiatric diagnoses called in English? 'Psychisch gehandicapt' translates by Google translate into 'mentally handicapped' (depression, anxiety, schizofrenia), yet 'mentally handicapped', like 'mentally disabled' translates back in Dutch to 'verstandelijk gehandicapten' (low IQ - which I certainly don't have).
I feel handicapped by a lack of understanding of the English language. Finding non-stigmatizing terms is hard enough in Dutch as it is. I for one don't like 'psychiatric patients' - sounds far too passive. Grmmbl.
@Son_of_Imoen, the polite English term for the group of conditions that includes schizophrenia and bipolar disorder is "mental illnesses".
Sorry, bit of sillishness on my part. Now it's up to Tilly to see if there's typos (there are typos, how does it abbreviate? there'? the're?).
*edit: Holland will have a king in two days after over a century of queens. It will take some getting used to. And I get sick of all the 'orange news' in the media - feeling sorry my avatar is orange now... Let the blue-crossed eyes express my wish for a ceremonial president of Holland, just like our eastern neighbours have.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-positive-trends-internet-doesnt-get-enough-credit-for/
It's a very positive article with some very good points. Also, be sure to read the top comments. The first one is from a guy who had a crappy life with a crappy and indoctrinating family but random people from a forum he frequented pooled together money and drove over state lines to get him out of that situation.
The internet contains a lot of rage, cursing, discrimination and misplaced rightiousness but sometimes it also produces some very nice things.
Long story short: it gives a mental backlash to have experienced so much in so few days. When back home, there was lots of work to do: e-mails checking on monday, a meeting on tuesday, I'm very enthusiastic in organising yet another meeting with clients in a nearby village and people from politics. All good work, but I get very restless and animated because of it. Couldn't sleep until 4:30 last night. As a let-of for all the adrenalin I've been gaming and watching youtube videos till deep in the night.
On a less personal level, I feel the stress of society: working people are sacked by their bosses to be employed as 'little indepents' just for certain tasks, leaving them without rights and pensions, people with handicaps need to be 'self-sufficient' and have to look for family and friends for support before they can get help from professional care, in Bangladesh a clothing factory collapse and now AVAAZ asks me to be critical to the clothing companies H&M and GAP (I don't even know what GAP clothes are) on those company's facebook pages. And neo-liberal ideology treats people as competitors of eachother looking after their own interests instead of seeing people as caring entities. Plus all the information stress. This society is spinning on a way too rapid speed and my mind is much too sensitive for all these developments. Wish I could focus on my own things more instead of being a canary in a coalmine of societal wrongs and stresses.