The thread for coming out/share your identity
semiticgoddess
Member Posts: 14,903
in Off-Topic
This forum has long been one of the most welcoming places on the Internet, and I've always been proud to be a part of it. We have a lot of genuinely kind people on this forum who have helped shape a positive community culture. That culture has allowed people to discuss sensitive subjects, share their troubles, and ask for advice and support in a safe space.
In the spirit of that culture, this thread is here for members of the LGBTQ+ community and other folks to come out, share our support, and to discuss gender and orientation issues.
In the spirit of that culture, this thread is here for members of the LGBTQ+ community and other folks to come out, share our support, and to discuss gender and orientation issues.
27
Comments
I'm transgender!
The first signs actually date back more than 20 years ago, before I even hit puberty, but I first made the realization with the help of @_Nightfall_. Her support has been priceless, and I owe her a lot. The transition process can take several years depending the route you take (I'm considering hormone therapy but never surgery), but I've made a lot of progress just in the last three months.
I've been gradually coming out to select friends and family, and having known this community for five years, I decided I felt safe enough to come out on this forum.
Coming out is dangerous. Being trans is always dangerous. Nineteen trans folks in the United States have been murdered this year for using the wrong pronouns, there are very few protections against discrimination in the workplace (you can easily get fired without cause), acceptance is hard to come by even among one's own family, and the dehumanization of trans folks is common enough that there's an entire genre of comedy dedicated to jokes about violence against trans people. There's been massive progress in the United States over the past few years, but we do still live in a fundamentally hostile world. Allies are rare and precious.
But this forum is one of the most inclusive and welcoming places I've encountered on the Internet, and I know I'm not alone here. @GenderNihilismGirdle and @_Nightfall_ both had the courage to be out, and they paved the way for me. The background of my portrait is now the transgender flag!
Aside from some unpleasantness from my parents, the process has been great. I've reconnected with old friends, made new ones, lost nearly 20 pounds (more than 10% of my entire body weight!), and I've had magical experiences I always thought were impossible. The best night of my life was when I cuddled up with some transgender folks to watch the Steven Universe movie together. I've felt real acceptance for the first time ever, and it is beautiful beyond words.
I feel so incredibly liberated (no, seriously) now that I don't have to follow all the crazy male gender roles I had to put up with in the past. I can actually hug people and smile and say nice things without worrying about breaking some unspoken rule. I always wished I could express myself more, and now I can. It's like being able to fly.
I would honestly rather transition to female than be able to fly.
The really beautiful thing is that over 90% of the population gets to live as their preferred gender by default. It's better than being able to fly, and almost everyone gets it for free!
I know this is going to be a bit of a shock for the people who have known me here for so long. I don't expect everyone to immediately get my pronouns right every time (even trans people misgender themselves sometimes!), but it shows respect for my identity and my feelings, and I do appreciate it. It's pretty standard for things to be awkward at first.
I have always felt very lucky to be a part of this community. You all are incredibly kind people, and it means the world to me.
May each year of your journey bring you more and more joy, more and more self-love and more and more access to this vulnerability you've blocked yourself off from that is bringing light into your life! I've always said compassion, vulnerability and accountability are the three pillars of a a good life (both towards others and yourself!) and seeing you unlock new levels of that stuff and revel in it just warms my heart to no end. If you have any questions about trans stuff, my inbox is always open (you can also DM me for like my facebook/email address/tumblr/whatever fwiw).
This comment shows how very easy it is to just be a decent person when this topic comes up. It requires no effort to just address someone how they want to be addressed, but alot of effort is required to not do so with malicuous or demeaning intent. Which is why I have no tolerance for it. It's not hard to see that as homophobia has become less and less acceptable, the transgender community has become the new focus of harassment, ridicule and fearmongering.
"I feel so incredibly liberated (no, seriously) now that I don't have to follow all the crazy male gender roles I had to put up with in the past. I can actually hug people and smile and say nice things without worrying about breaking some unspoken rule. I always wished I could express myself more, and now I can. It's like being able to fly."
I was kinda confused by this paragraph. I always thought gender roles were stupid, but why do you feel that you need to change your gender to not follow them? Also, what pronoun do you prefer?
1. We're switching to she/her.
2. It's always possible to just disobey gender roles regardless of your identity. I encourage everyone to break any gender role they're not comfortable with! But I found it incredibly difficult to do so, because I could never shake the feeling that other people would judge me for it, even if I never got any actual signals to that effect.
This does mean I'm risking a whole other type of judgment that can directly impact my life, but the alternative--breaking male gender roles while passing as male--has simply not been possible for me. Other folks might be able to break out of those roles, but I haven't been able to do it completely without transitioning. I actually consider my strategy to be kinda the coward's way out, since I'm skirting around the obstacle rather than tackling it.
It's not the cowards way out. The reason I don't believe being gay or transgender is a "choice" has nothing to do with scientific studies or genetics. It has to do with being human. If someone like yourself, who is simply not prone to hyperbole, says they would rather reveal what they feel inside than FLY, than that means it is overwhelming and all-encompassing. Moreover, if you are afraid for years to even come out to close friends and family members, it means you feel a nearly as overwhelming social stigma that is preventing you from doing so. No person would just WANT to subject themselves to such a years long internal struggle because of a whim or cry for attention. It simply doesn't make any sense, and never has. And it can't be denied that, even though we are making small strides on the issue, society at large does not consider being transgender "normal". That is lamentable, but it is also true. As you mentioned in your first post, you are now willingly putting yourself out there to be fired for no reason. And any number of other things. Much of country doesn't believe you are now fit to serve in the military. Whole state legislatures now want to use people like yourself as a symbol of out of control hedonism by dictating what bathroom stall you should use. Cowardly?? No, my friend. Your actions are surely the opposite of cowardly. Most of use are lucky enough to never have to make such a potential sacrifice just to be who we are.
I'm glad you have made your decision to come out to this forum, and the reactions of people here are exactly what I expected them to be. You must be relieved now, because living with a secret, especially one that you shouldn't need to hide, is not pleasant.
Thank you for trusting us, and may you never regret it.
You know that this forum is an unusually nice corner of the internet. Do be careful what you share in other public places online, though.
I'm going to add my two cents about gender roles, but after breakfast.
For now, let me send you a virtual hug.
Also, Arvia the paladin will always defend your honor and smite anyone who dares to insult you. Not that it will be necessary in this forum, but I still felt the need to say it.
I am glad you are making the transition and that you like it.
I must admit that I never have given gender much thought. I was raised to believe that where two genders - and all else besides that was weird.
Getting older (and hopefully wiser) I have come to the realisation that putting people in just two boxes is perhaps the most weird part of the above. I don’t like being put into boxes either, and I am straight/Christian/white/male.
So I will refrain from labelling people, and you as well. I live my life with as much love and consideration for the people involved in it that I can muster, and you do that as well in your own way.
So if the transition is what you want, then by all means do it. Your gender means nothing to me anyways, only your personality - and I as many here like you just the way you are.
Hope it makes sense
So, the most important question: Will you be changing your username to semiticgoddess?
CAN we change our usernames?? I didn't even know it was an option........
A person is allowed. Needs to go through @JuliusBorisov (who was once @bengoshi) to do it.
I don’t know how early in the transition you are, but what about your real name? Are you keeping it or is it going to be a deadname?
I will also say thank you for the courage you are showing, and I am very glad that you have the support to make this transition.
Whenever someone comes out as trans, I always think back to the late 80’s and early 90’s when a lot of people were finally coming out publicly as being gay. In most of the western world, coming out as gay hasn’t been a big deal since the turn of the millennium and I do hope, in 10-20 years time it won’t be a big deal to come out as trans. So I never feel like the person is doing it for themselves, but for next generation.
Interesting. I'm hardly an example of overblown masculinity either, not fond of drinking, cars, football, boxing etc. and preferring to have a tea and watch fluffy animes instead, but it doesn't affect my self-esteem in the slightest - in fact, I sometimes enjoy trolling people irl with it, hoping someone would start going about how I should be a real man (and damn, nobody seems to care
I hate to be a wet blanket, but you are *extremely* wrong here. It requires a great deal of effort to start calling something different than what's been cemented in your brain for years. I may be willing to do it for a friend or acquaintance, but otherwise I wouldn't feel obligated in the slightest, since I see pronouns as descriptive of biological sex (inseparable from gender), and switching them just to not follow traditional roles seems a bit overkill to me.
Hugs
@Balrog99 has known @semiticgod for years. Not personally, but they have had infinite interactions on this forum. Didn't seem particularly hard for him to warm up to the idea, despite admitting he had always viewed her as a male (which I guess until yesterday was perfectly reasonable, as I did too). He was informed otherwise and offered a nice message. My point is, that should be the default reaction to someone coming out as transgender. It's hard enough as it is, and doesn't need to be made moreso to prove some kind of "point", which always seems to be the case. Of course people are going to slip up, but continuing to misgender people on PURPOSE after they have stated a preference is simply cruelty for the sake of cruelty.
We do lots of things in life for the accommodation of others, even if we aren't particularly happy about them. If people are uncomfortable with someone they know coming out as trans, my argument would be that it is going to have no material effect on your life to at least PRETEND otherwise to make the situation easier for the person doing so. So no, maybe "no effort" isn't entirely correct, but it is still by no means "hard".
I mean, you already do the exact same thing for cisgender people. It's not like you do a DNA test or a pants check to determine biological sex; you just go by what people look like.
People are gonna get confused very quickly if you're the only guy using male pronouns for a blonde girl in a flowery skirt with big breasts and a squeaky voice named Ashley. People are gonna get confused if you're the only guy using female pronouns for a bearded dude with a husky voice and hairy legs under cargo shorts named David.
It really just depends on whether people accept you. My brother and my friends have already made the switch, while my parents haven't used the right pronouns a single time since I came out. It's not a coincidence that my parents are the only ones who are opposed to the transition.
@deltago: I haven't decided about my name. My birth name is already androgynous, so I might not have to change it much, but I've thought about switching to a more distinctly feminine name. I just don't know which to pick.
I don't like it when trans people get super touchy about it, either, but usually they don't, the handful that I know. Sometimes it's extremely leftist people who exaggerate and say that we discriminate trans people if we only ask the androgynous person in the group which pronouns they use. Honestly, why would I ask the bearded guy with the shorts and hairy legs about pronouns, or the blonde who is dressed like a barbie doll? But if we're not sure, it's normal to ask. We are biologically programmed to want to know "man or woman" as in "potential mate, threat, competition". If someone says "both, or none" that's okay, too.
If someone says they want to be referred to as "she", wears a wig with long hair, a dress and makeup, and someone continues to say "he" on purpose, that's hurting the person's feeling, and it's not intolerant if that person cares about being referred to as "she".
1. It reminds you that you're passing.
2. It assures you that other people are taking you seriously.
3. It assures you that other people are accepting you.
4. It assures you that other people care enough about you to lift a finger.
Getting misgendered has several disadvantages:
1. It reminds you of a lot of shit you don't want to relive.
2. It shows you're not passing.
3. If it's common, it can indicate that someone doesn't take you seriously.
4. If it's common, it can indicate that someone doesn't accept you.
5. If it's common, it can indicate that someone actively disrespects you.
6. If someone feels confident enough to actively disrespect you in public, that means that person has reason to believe that no one will think differently of them for it, which means no one else is on your side.
7. If someone doesn't even make the attempt, that indicates they don't really care about your feelings to begin with.
It's precisely because it's a low-effort thing that makes it significant. If you ask someone to lift a finger and they can't even do that, you can't trust them to do anything.
The important thing isn't how often people get it right. The important thing is if people care enough to make the attempt. If they do, it tells you who your real friends are.
The reason I carry pepper spray is because a confident, devil-may-care attitude won't stop anyone from throwing a punch. It's not safe to close your eyes.
I hadn’t given the whole pronoun thing much thought until now. Not that I didn’t care, I just didn’t know enough about it. So thank you for sharing
If you want the pronoun her/she then it is so in my book, because:
1) You are passing because you want to,
2) I am taking you seriously,
3) I am accepting you, and
4) I do care enough to lift a little finger
Somone is simply asking you to make the ATTMPT to use a three letter word instead of a two letter one. If that is difficult for you, you might have a problem.
Much of the violence that happens to transgender individuals is the result of a straight males feeling "tricked" into finding a female transgender individual attractive. While I can certainly understand a serious case of embarrassment if you took someone home and only realized it at that time, people have been MURDERED because of this dynamic. And often times it doesn't even rise close to that level of intimacy, but simply a situation where a guy will find someone attractive, find oit later they are transgender, and their ego can't handle it.
It's not like this is new territory. One of the great rock anthems of all-time, "Lola" by The Kinks, is explicitly about falling for a transvestite or transgender individual. But it can be deadly. Homeless and suicide rate are astronomical compared to the normal population (I feel like I see someone who is transgender homeless asking for change outside the bus terminal at least once a week). Jobs aren't safe. If you walk into the wrong bathroom because of recent fearmongering, you will be viewed as some kind of default sex predator. I'm a 6'2 straight, white male. I think nothing of walking in any area of town at any time of day or night. Others don't have this luxury.