We would never ignore you, you are a friend. Here you are loved and appreciated, and we all want help lighten your burden. I'm so sorry for your friend, and I'll pray for their recovery. Try to relax, and for goodness sake, eat something. Remember that you are not responsible for other people's happiness, you can only take care of so much and the rest is up to fate/God/ or whatever else you may believe in.
Transphobes are garbage. You don't see people shouting at burn victims that burn scars are permanent. You don't say rape survivors are crazy or in denial when they want to heal and escape the trauma. You don't tell people in wheelchairs that they can't walk.
Take care of yourself, Michelle. Don't lose too much sleep and remember to eat. You deserve it. I'm sorry COVID is hitting so close to home, and I wish people were kinder to trans folks, too.
Healthcare insurance in the United States is absolute garbage. We shell out tons of money just to fill the pockets of pointless middlemen who only exist to siphon money from the system. Insurance companies charge as high premiums as they can get away with and try with all their might to avoid covering healthcare when we ask them to live up to their end of the bargain. It's a poorly-regulated system based on market forces and profit instead of the public good, and for all the money we spend, we're not even healthier than folks in similar countries.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Sorry if I'm misinformed, but didn't the USA finally get public health insurance with Obamacare? What went wrong that it's still such a mess?
It's not 'free'...
Let me fix that for you, ahem: "It doesn't match the barest of standards from literally every other devleoped nation in the world, with a majority of Americans not able to afford basic healthcare, let alone the specialists necessary for many to just not die. We pay more for healthcare than any other nation in the world, and yet so few can actually access it."
As for Obamacare, it got ripped apart by the Republican party, bafflingly, the party that WROTE Obamacare. It was better when it started out, then the premiums started rising...
Healthcare insurance in the United States is absolute garbage. We shell out tons of money just to fill the pockets of pointless middlemen who only exist to siphon money from the system. Insurance companies charge as high premiums as they can get away with and try with all their might to avoid covering healthcare when we ask them to live up to their end of the bargain. It's a poorly-regulated system based on market forces and profit instead of the public good, and for all the money we spend, we're not even healthier than folks in similar countries.
It's so bad that a lot of folks here go without healthcare because they just can't bear the insane costs, and others go broke or into debt paying for treatments they can't live without.
Sorry if I'm misinformed, but didn't the USA finally get public health insurance with Obamacare? What went wrong that it's still such a mess?
It's not 'free'...
Let me fix that for you, ahem: "It doesn't match the barest of standards from literally every other devleoped nation in the world, with a majority of Americans not able to afford basic healthcare, let alone the specialists necessary for many to just not die. We pay more for healthcare than any other nation in the world, and yet so few can actually access it."
As for Obamacare, it got ripped apart by the Republican party, bafflingly, the party that WROTE Obamacare. It was better when it started out, then the premiums started rising...
I must be missing something. The question was what's wrong with our healthcare system and I answered it's not free. Is that not what the problem is?
Let me fix that for you, ahem: "It doesn't match the barest of standards from literally every other devleoped nation in the world, with a majority of Americans not able to afford basic healthcare, let alone the specialists necessary for many to just not die. We pay more for healthcare than any other nation in the world, and yet so few can actually access it."
As for Obamacare, it got ripped apart by the Republican party, bafflingly, the party that WROTE Obamacare. It was better when it started out, then the premiums started rising...
I must be missing something. The question was what's wrong with our healthcare system and I answered it's not free. Is that not what the problem is?
Yes, you're missing something. A healthcare system needn't be free. It just needs to be affordable and give access to health care and health care insurance for everyone. In explaining what went wrong and in why Obamacare which was meant to fix the abysmal system (or lack thereof) in the USA didn't fix the problems, as proven by the posts above about people unable to get insurance for necessary care (which the Dutch system is able to for most people, with the basic insurance being just over 100 euros - just over 110 dollars in US currency - if you're living on the poverty line) @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a far better job than you who just stated 'it isn't free' as if that would answer my question.
What's wrong with my post is the usual Son_of_Imoen writing of sentences-within-sentences. The short version: @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a better job in explaining to me why Obamacare didn't work out the way it was meant to be, as was my question.
This would probably be better suited for the politics thread, which currently is closed. Maybe we could continue this conversation there, when it reopens.
Let me fix that for you, ahem: "It doesn't match the barest of standards from literally every other devleoped nation in the world, with a majority of Americans not able to afford basic healthcare, let alone the specialists necessary for many to just not die. We pay more for healthcare than any other nation in the world, and yet so few can actually access it."
As for Obamacare, it got ripped apart by the Republican party, bafflingly, the party that WROTE Obamacare. It was better when it started out, then the premiums started rising...
I must be missing something. The question was what's wrong with our healthcare system and I answered it's not free. Is that not what the problem is?
Yes, you're missing something. A healthcare system needn't be free. It just needs to be affordable and give access to health care and health care insurance for everyone. In explaining what went wrong and in why Obamacare which was meant to fix the abysmal system (or lack thereof) in the USA didn't fix the problems, as proven by the posts above about people unable to get insurance for necessary care (which the Dutch system is able to for most people, with the basic insurance being just over 100 euros - just over 110 dollars in US currency - if you're living on the poverty line) @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a far better job than you who just stated 'it isn't free' as if that would answer my question.
What's wrong with my post is the usual Son_of_Imoen writing of sentences-within-sentences. The short version: @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a better job in explaining to me why Obamacare didn't work out the way it was meant to be, as was my question.
I stand by my answer. No matter how cheap you make it, there will always be people who can't afford it and thus can't get it. The system will always fail somebody until it's free. Even then it will fail because rich people will still get the better doctors and better treatments as long as they have the option of opting out and getting private insurance. The only way for it to be free 'and' fair, is if everybody, rich or poor, had to use the exact same system.
So wonderful, YouTube removed that video. Won't complain.
Had a falling out with a longtime friend though yesterday. The conversation ended with, My friend was erased years ago. You have to understand that you are different.
Well duh! Kinda the point. What did he expect would happen? He abandoned me anyway, through the awful years he was not there. Then he comes back into my life and expected everything to be the same? How? When I was unconscious in the hospital, where was he? When people threatened and made fun of me, where was he? Want me to take care of your urges after you left your wife and abandoned the girl you left her for? Not bloody likely. Somehow my change is the reason you are pathetic? Probably not.
Still feel bad. He left me when I needed him most but now I feel guilty. Twisted world we live in. I seriously hate being me.
Why would he expect that I was the same? Can't be both and fit into either, doesn't work that way. Thing is, he missed it completely and felt he was blindsided. My other guy friend saw me stop pretending long ago and treated me accordingly. Meh, no loss, just sad.
Ran into yet another post on Reddit mocking trans people. This time it was joking about trans people's suicide rates.
For those who don't know, a friend of mine tried to kill herself because she was bullied for being trans. It took months of work to keep her alive. She's doing great now, but I hate that the world is so hostile and so cruel for no reason.
I left that community on Reddit, but I know it's everywhere, and it will be that way for years if not decades.
The bullying will keep going. The discrimination will keep going. The literal murder and assault and rape will keep going. And for countless people, they actually find it funny that we're treated like shit. They encourage it for their own amusement.
I've just seen it too many times. I'm tired of the fight.
And it's going to happen again, and again, and again.
Another friend of mine is getting verbally and physically abused by her own mother. I want to give her a safe place to live but I can't. She's struggling so much. She's a brilliant musician and she's deeply compassionate; I've seen her put aside her own problems to support other people who are in pain.
Lily and I have talked about moving in to a different home with more space. We'd be able to give shelter to folks in our community who don't have a place to live in, and I've thought about adopting a teenager since older orphans seldom get adopted, but we don't have the income to pay those kinda bills; I'm disabled and Lily's still in nursing school. It'll be a while before I have the resources to give people shelter.
And COVID keeps me from connecting with people in person. There's only so much good I can do remotely.
Ran into yet another post on Reddit mocking trans people. This time it was joking about trans people's suicide rates.
For those who don't know, a friend of mine tried to kill herself because she was bullied for being trans. It took months of work to keep her alive. She's doing great now, but I hate that the world is so hostile and so cruel for no reason.
I left that community on Reddit, but I know it's everywhere, and it will be that way for years if not decades.
The bullying will keep going. The discrimination will keep going. The literal murder and assault and rape will keep going. And for countless people, they actually find it funny that we're treated like shit. They encourage it for their own amusement.
I've just seen it too many times. I'm tired of the fight.
And it's going to happen again, and again, and again.
Another friend of mine is getting verbally and physically abused by her own mother. I want to give her a safe place to live but I can't. She's struggling so much. She's a brilliant musician and she's deeply compassionate; I've seen her put aside her own problems to support other people who are in pain.
Lily and I have talked about moving in to a different home with more space. We'd be able to give shelter to folks in our community who don't have a place to live in, and I've thought about adopting a teenager since older orphans seldom get adopted, but we don't have the income to pay those kinda bills; I'm disabled and Lily's still in nursing school. It'll be a while before I have the resources to give people shelter.
And COVID keeps me from connecting with people in person. There's only so much good I can do remotely.
It is going to happen again and again. I only live in peace now because no one knows even though I am not hiding, and those that do never remember. I have lived with this since I was a child, it doesn't get easier. I have scars inside you could use as a bridge for a giant truck.
It is painful dearheart. I can't take that away but I can share it.
Watched the movie on Netflix, I Care About You tonight. Made me want to vomit the whole movie. Sorry, taking advantage of people should never be romanticized. I own Focus and it is funny and charming and I still hate that they are romanticizing the victimization of people to make a movie. This movie though, eww! Eww! Eww! What they did in this movie made me so sick. I watched in horrid fascination hoping everyone would get their’s, but they didn’t just 2 minutes in the very end, if that. Taking advantage of people is so very wrong, taking advantage of the helpless is wrong to the tenth power. What is your world? Is that it? I am sooooooo very glad I have never been a part of it if that is the case.
Ugh! I feel so unclean now, like a three day shower could not get the stench off of me. Eww! Why would anyone make something like that?
I was writing something on my phone earlier today and autocorrect suggested "rapists" when I typed the phrase "trans women are." The AI learns from people.
I was writing something on my phone earlier today and autocorrect suggested "rapists" when I typed the phrase "trans women are." The AI learns from people.
That's what people write to each other.
I'm sorry for how that must make you feel.
Just don't forget, this is like using a search engine or something. Wherever the words appear, in whichever context, influences the probability of those words being connected. The phrase most written might actually have been "it's disgusting how some people try to spread hate and suggest that trans women are rapists" or something like that. Or at least every time someone uses those words in a criticizing context influences the AI choice just as much as the haters using the actual phrase.
I'm not trying to contradict your experiences or tell you that you're wrong, I absolutely believe you have unfortunately faced more than enough actual hate or rejection and seen your fair share of transphobes online and offline, I'm just trying to say it's probably not quite as representative of the majority as it might seem at first glance...
I would suggest you use GBoard from Google or SwiftKey from Microsoft. Their algorithms are much smarter about things like this. It won't correct what you saw but you'll never have to see something like this again.
I was writing something on my phone earlier today and autocorrect suggested "rapists" when I typed the phrase "trans women are." The AI learns from people.
That's what people write to each other.
I don’t know anything about autocorrect other than it can be annoying. I know you are a fighter, trying to make it better and I know I am nothing like that. Don’t lose heart. Things have changed so much, and I know that things are not great right now but that is because someone deliberately nurtured an environment of hate for four years, but don’t lose yourself in their hate. This is not about winning or losing, it is about surviving and living as yourself. Let go. Fight where you can and let the rest go or the fight will mutate you before you ever win. Find yourself, that is the goal, that is the struggle, it is where you can achieve success. Fight against the hate and it will grind you into the ground.
It was at a gas station. He was in his car; I was waiting at the fuel pump. I'm accustomed to people making comments about my bright pink hair, but it got super weird when the guy told me to come over to his car so he could *touch* it (no way in hell, it's a wig and I wouldn't be safe if he realized I was trans) and asked if I had a boyfriend. I've heard some guys won't leave you alone if you have a girlfriend; only if you say you have a boyfriend, but lying and saying I had a boyfriend felt weird because my girlfriend is also trans. Thankfully he left when I said I had a girlfriend.
It bugged me that I smiled and laughed when I should have told him off, but I was seriously nervous once he asked to touch my hair; I didn't feel safe and I didn't want to antagonize him. No one else was around; it was just me.
I always liked the attention my pink hair has gotten me, but it's so different when you get hit on when you're all alone. I suddenly got very cognizant of just how small I am; he was a lot bigger than me and I am pretty much defenseless. It's a reminder that, while I love looking like a little pink cupcake, it also means I look like prey.
People make a big deal out of my hair all the time and it hasn't weirded me out before, even when it was a guy. That super awkward autistic guy at the bookstore? He was just practicing his social skills; I actually enjoyed that conversation. The old man in line at the store? He just liked my coat. The guy at HEB who asked where I got my hair dyed while he was pushing around shopping carts in the parking lot? That's normal. In most cases it was flattering and that's it.
But when I'm all alone, no other witnesses, and the guy is clearly hitting on me and wants to touch me? That's different. It felt really unsafe.
When I was living as a guy, I always had the sense that I could fight back if someone tried to hurt me, even though I was small. But I've never been this physically weak in my adult life now that I'm on hormones, I have a herniated disk, and if a guy tried to hurt me, the fact that I still have my original junk doesn't make me safe. It just means that the risk is more likely to be assault or murder than sexual assault. An attacker wouldn't necessarily get scared away by the fact that I'm trans; the reaction could easily be anger instead.
And the guy probably thinks I felt flattered. Guys ain't know nervous laughter is just a defense mechanism; you do it to placate them so they don't get angry and hurt you. He's going to keep doing it, and he'll probably be shocked and confused and angry when someone finally gives him pushback for it.
What's also odd is that I didn't even have to be raised as a woman to exhibit the same reaction. No one told me as a girl to be wary of men and I have no bitter experience that would make me afraid. Feeling creeped out was instinctive; not learned.
I'm not gonna change a damn thing about how I present myself, though. I'll still wear pink hair and skirts; I like it that way. I'm not going to let someone else's behavior constrain my own.
But it's really striking just how *suddenly* I felt the creepiness and the feeling of physical danger. Being raised as a guy didn't make me feel invincible after I transitioned.
It is weird. I have experienced it all, from randos on the street to doctors, lawyers even the governor. There is no exemption, my friend's husband's have been as inappropriate as anyone. Lost my best friend of 20 years because of it. I honestly don't understand but it has become important for me to completely ignore men I don't know and be very careful with those I do. It was very, very hard at first, I was raised to be polite and they really ingrained that in me. It gets scary though and for me... well, my friends are what I hold most dear.
It has to be harder when we have no experience and are thrust into it. I have no mother, my sister has only talked to me four times in the last four months, not at all in the last month and not for 15 years before. My best friend seemed in competition with me before she dropped me because her boyfriend put his arm around my waist when we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant.
50% of the planet has had a lifetime of experience with this and still don't know what to do, is it any wonder that it could come as a shock to us? There should be a school for these things, and I suppose there is for the natal women, coming at it late in life. Sorry, I can't help. It is as terrifying for me as it is for you. Then there are the occasional women, ugh! You think you are safe, well probably you are but... Went to a club one night, the waitress said like the second or third time she came to our table, You are awesome. Ooooookkkkaaaayyyy. By the end of the night every time she came to our table she would look me in the eye if she was in front of me or put her hand on my shoulder if she was behind me and say, I love you. I seriously never held out any hope of being a woman for most of my life, nothing could have prepared me for actually being one.
My girlfriend and I nearly broke up today. We've patched things up and are getting along again, but the past 24 hours have been some of the scariest in my life. Lily is the light of my life and I almost lost her.
I lost a different friend today as well, and while I know they're in pain, I can't help them.
I might still be losing Lily, as well as most of my other friends. Things are looking very dark and I have no idea what's going to happen, or what I have the power to change.
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The Winner Takes It All
Probably it is that I have never been in a relationship before, then the one I had was so very amazing. I hurt. Sometimes I can breath, curl up in a ball and hope it will end. Then I have days of numb disinterest. I can’t feel anything or anyone. I try to interact but everyone sounds like adults from a Charlie Brown special, Waa wa waa wa. I hate that I look at them completely blank. I struggled so hard in my life to connect to people in some way, being autistic it is not easy. It is all gone now. Everyone is a caricature and I just want them to go away. I have endured so much pain in my life, why couldn’t whoever makes these decisions have not just let me be happy till the end?
I lived a lifetime alone, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not without him. It is just daylight and darkness, there is nothing else. Every day, that is all it is...
I haven't popped my head in here in a while but just quit my job of 3 years. It was super toxic and I realized my mental health and depression had gotten worse. I don't have another job lined up yet but have enough money saved to pay for like 6 months of rent and necessities. Blah, it's funny because the last time I was on these forums active I was looking for a job and turns out the job I got was continually awful to me lol
I haven't popped my head in here in a while but just quit my job of 3 years. It was super toxic and I realized my mental health and depression had gotten worse. I don't have another job lined up yet but have enough money saved to pay for like 6 months of rent and necessities. Blah, it's funny because the last time I was on these forums active I was looking for a job and turns out the job I got was continually awful to me lol
Good luck finding a better career path. Escaping a toxic work environment is really important. I hope you recover soon and feel better.
I lived a lifetime alone, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not without him. It is just daylight and darkness, there is nothing else. Every day, that is all it is...
Daylight and darkness.
It hurts me not having anything comforting to say, but that's what it's like with autism: I don't say things that sound hopeful if I don't actually know for sure if they will come true. I'm very bad at saying things will be alright without knowing things will be alright. I can't get those words out of my mouth, it's truly autistic of me to only say things that I believe are true. But let me say this then: I care about you, from what you write on this forum (the only thing that I know of you) and that's also because you are a caring person.
From feeling down, it's hard to care about others and I can imagine the contrast is big between the one you loved who deceased and the people still alive that are very neurotypical and hard to understand in their shallowness (or that's how I interpret your words). What is true is that I hope you also have better days. Moods are also like daylight and darkness, they come and they go and in bad times, depression makes everything look black, but in life, there's also times when light shines through, like Leonard Cohen sings: "There's a crack in everything, that's where the light comes in".
Alas it's true living in this world often boils down to learning to live with the pain, but besides pain in life, there's flowers, there's spring coming with nature coming out of it's slumber if you live in the northern hemisphere or autumn with nature seeking rest if you live in the southern hemisphere or if you wait half a year.
There's Baldur's Gate to play, there's books that try to peel at the layers that keeps the truth about things hidden, there's people on the Beamdog forum that care about you, there's people like me who don't frequent the forum that much as I have another internet home but I keep this topic subscribed. There's people here whom I care about and because here the truth comes out that the world isn't all about perfume and roses, or to put it differently, that roses have thorns, that we are vulnerable and because we are vulnerable, we are beautiful.
I lived a lifetime alone, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not without him. It is just daylight and darkness, there is nothing else. Every day, that is all it is...
Daylight and darkness.
It hurts me not having anything comforting to say, but that's what it's like with autism: I don't say things that sound hopeful if I don't actually know for sure if they will come true. I'm very bad at saying things will be alright without knowing things will be alright. I can't get those words out of my mouth, it's truly autistic of me to only say things that I believe are true. But let me say this then: I care about you, from what you write on this forum (the only thing that I know of you) and that's also because you are a caring person.
From feeling down, it's hard to care about others and I can imagine the contrast is big between the one you loved who deceased and the people still alive that are very neurotypical and hard to understand in their shallowness (or that's how I interpret your words). What is true is that I hope you also have better days. Moods are also like daylight and darkness, they come and they go and in bad times, depression makes everything look black, but in life, there's also times when light shines through, like Leonard Cohen sings: "There's a crack in everything, that's where the light comes in".
Alas it's true living in this world often boils down to learning to live with the pain, but besides pain in life, there's flowers, there's spring coming with nature coming out of it's slumber if you live in the northern hemisphere or autumn with nature seeking rest if you live in the southern hemisphere or if you wait half a year.
There's Baldur's Gate to play, there's books that try to peel at the layers that keeps the truth about things hidden, there's people on the Beamdog forum that care about you, there's people like me who don't frequent the forum that much as I have another internet home but I keep this topic subscribed. There's people here whom I care about and because here the truth comes out that the world isn't all about perfume and roses, or to put it differently, that roses have thorns, that we are vulnerable and because we are vulnerable, we are beautiful.
Wishing you sunrises after darkness,
kind regards,
Son_of_Imoen.
I um...
Seriously I hate being so smart and so stupid. I began school when I was 3. Seems great right? Yeah, not so much. It was mostly that whatever parent, or state home I was living with at the time didn't want to deal with me. Probably the worst part of being me is that I never felt any shame. Why? I am not awesome, no one has ever wanted me. That bothers me. I have always felt less than but I have never felt ashamed of who I am.
I don't know, probably it is liberating not to feel peer pressure, I could not tell you. I have never understood peer pressurr. Do the right thing, no pressure. I have really been a bitch here when I perceive that people are not doing the right thing. I know that is wrong and I apologize. I will do it again though, over and over, I appreciate everyone's forbearance. I don't want to but I will.
We live in a world where no one is who they say they are. You don't have to say anything, you are!! We all know who you are. Awesome or shitty, we take you in, assimilate you, and move on with you.
Gonna sound stupid, just...
Don't try to impress anyone. Just don't hurt anyone, everything else is just a matter of ridiculous perceptions.
...
The rest? I really don't know. I am days away from ending it or trying to figure out why I should go on. I don't want to leave here but I have an apartment, good job, I will be okay. I just don't want to do it anymore. I am tired, nothing to be afraid of, just exhausted. Three days, I will have to move on or not. Ugh! Don't think stupid, I have never figured out how to kill myself and live with how I did it. So I will still be breathing in and out next week, it is possible that I have checked out of everything else though. If so
I lived a lifetime alone, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not without him. It is just daylight and darkness, there is nothing else. Every day, that is all it is...
Daylight and darkness.
It hurts me not having anything comforting to say, but that's what it's like with autism: I don't say things that sound hopeful if I don't actually know for sure if they will come true. I'm very bad at saying things will be alright without knowing things will be alright. I can't get those words out of my mouth, it's truly autistic of me to only say things that I believe are true. But let me say this then: I care about you, from what you write on this forum (the only thing that I know of you) and that's also because you are a caring person.
From feeling down, it's hard to care about others and I can imagine the contrast is big between the one you loved who deceased and the people still alive that are very neurotypical and hard to understand in their shallowness (or that's how I interpret your words). What is true is that I hope you also have better days. Moods are also like daylight and darkness, they come and they go and in bad times, depression makes everything look black, but in life, there's also times when light shines through, like Leonard Cohen sings: "There's a crack in everything, that's where the light comes in".
Alas it's true living in this world often boils down to learning to live with the pain, but besides pain in life, there's flowers, there's spring coming with nature coming out of it's slumber if you live in the northern hemisphere or autumn with nature seeking rest if you live in the southern hemisphere or if you wait half a year.
There's Baldur's Gate to play, there's books that try to peel at the layers that keeps the truth about things hidden, there's people on the Beamdog forum that care about you, there's people like me who don't frequent the forum that much as I have another internet home but I keep this topic subscribed. There's people here whom I care about and because here the truth comes out that the world isn't all about perfume and roses, or to put it differently, that roses have thorns, that we are vulnerable and because we are vulnerable, we are beautiful.
Wishing you sunrises after darkness,
kind regards,
Son_of_Imoen.
I um...
Seriously I hate being so smart and so stupid. I began school when I was 3. Seems great right? Yeah, not so much. It was mostly that whatever parent, or state home I was living with at the time didn't want to deal with me. Probably the worst part of being me is that I never felt any shame. Why? I am not awesome, no one has ever wanted me. That bothers me. I have always felt less than but I have never felt ashamed of who I am.
I don't know, probably it is liberating not to feel peer pressure, I could not tell you. I have never understood peer pressurr. Do the right thing, no pressure. I have really been a bitch here when I perceive that people are not doing the right thing. I know that is wrong and I apologize. I will do it again though, over and over, I appreciate everyone's forbearance. I don't want to but I will.
We live in a world where no one is who they say they are. You don't have to say anything, you are!! We all know who you are. Awesome or shitty, we take you in, assimilate you, and move on with you.
Gonna sound stupid, just...
Don't try to impress anyone. Just don't hurt anyone, everything else is just a matter of ridiculous perceptions.
...
The rest? I really don't know. I am days away from ending it or trying to figure out why I should go on. I don't want to leave here but I have an apartment, good job, I will be okay. I just don't want to do it anymore. I am tired, nothing to be afraid of, just exhausted. Three days, I will have to move on or not. Ugh! Don't think stupid, I have never figured out how to kill myself and live with how I did it. So I will still be breathing in and out next week, it is possible that I have checked out of everything else though. If so
Well, I have loved you all and this forum.
Go outside and listen to the sounds of Spring if you can. I just sat out on my deck last night and listened to the toads and frogs make their music (and a bonus thunderstorm rolled through with the awesome natural special-effects). It's very relaxing and helps me understand that my problems don't affect the rest of the world. If the world just goes on without missing a beat, maybe those problems aren't as huge as I think...
Good idea. Usually I don't spend much time outside, it gets old being bug food. Apparently I am a delicacy for insects. Like they are just waiting out there for Michelle to be on the menu again. I used to like to walk but haven't much the last few years because of his health. Time to get out the bug spray.
It is so weird how much I am struggling with moving. The process of moving has always been dreadful but leaving a place, no problem. I don't even own this home, my last house I owned for 15 years and it didn't bother me at all leaving. I have never had a home before, that doesn't make sense at all but it is true. My early childhood everyone kept giving me away. My grandparents should have been a home, it was for my older brother, but I was always under threat of being put into a state home, and even they got rid of me to not very nice people. After much abuse and being removed from that house by the state they took me back. Of course they would not have sent me to live with them if they had known what they were like. Then I left when I was 15, been on my own since other than an occasional roommate. This was the the only home I have ever had, and I have only lived here for 5 years. It just feels like when I leave here this weekend it is all over, the only bit of happiness I have ever know will end. Everything after Saturday is blank, no hope, no dreams, no anything. Just never-ending emptiness. Meh! Bleak, I know. Sorry.
I wish I could buy this place, but home prices have gone up so much this last year and I would have to empty my retirement funds to do so. To be honest, the house is worth less than half of what are asking for it. They will get it though.
I will be okay. I will wake up Sunday morning in a new place. Apartment unfortunately, like I said home prices are too high right now to buy. Anyway, I will move on. Just wow, it is really crushing me right now.
Thank you all for your concern. Big hug for everyone. Funny, hugs via text are the only ones I ever give except for when he was alive, I seriously hate being touched. You all should feel privileged. Lol, probably not.
I will be okay. I will wake up Sunday morning in a new place. Apartment unfortunately, like I said home prices are too high right now to buy. Anyway, I will move on. Just wow, it is really crushing me right now.
Michelle, you moved two days ago, how are you doing?
Comments
Take care of yourself, Michelle. Don't lose too much sleep and remember to eat. You deserve it. I'm sorry COVID is hitting so close to home, and I wish people were kinder to trans folks, too.
Let me fix that for you, ahem: "It doesn't match the barest of standards from literally every other devleoped nation in the world, with a majority of Americans not able to afford basic healthcare, let alone the specialists necessary for many to just not die. We pay more for healthcare than any other nation in the world, and yet so few can actually access it."
As for Obamacare, it got ripped apart by the Republican party, bafflingly, the party that WROTE Obamacare. It was better when it started out, then the premiums started rising...
I must be missing something. The question was what's wrong with our healthcare system and I answered it's not free. Is that not what the problem is?
Yes, you're missing something. A healthcare system needn't be free. It just needs to be affordable and give access to health care and health care insurance for everyone. In explaining what went wrong and in why Obamacare which was meant to fix the abysmal system (or lack thereof) in the USA didn't fix the problems, as proven by the posts above about people unable to get insurance for necessary care (which the Dutch system is able to for most people, with the basic insurance being just over 100 euros - just over 110 dollars in US currency - if you're living on the poverty line) @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a far better job than you who just stated 'it isn't free' as if that would answer my question.
What's wrong with my post is the usual Son_of_Imoen writing of sentences-within-sentences. The short version: @BelgarathMTH and @ThacoBell did a better job in explaining to me why Obamacare didn't work out the way it was meant to be, as was my question.
I stand by my answer. No matter how cheap you make it, there will always be people who can't afford it and thus can't get it. The system will always fail somebody until it's free. Even then it will fail because rich people will still get the better doctors and better treatments as long as they have the option of opting out and getting private insurance. The only way for it to be free 'and' fair, is if everybody, rich or poor, had to use the exact same system.
My earlier answer was a lot shorter... ?
Also, I'll stop the derailment now.
Had a falling out with a longtime friend though yesterday. The conversation ended with, My friend was erased years ago. You have to understand that you are different.
Well duh! Kinda the point. What did he expect would happen? He abandoned me anyway, through the awful years he was not there. Then he comes back into my life and expected everything to be the same? How? When I was unconscious in the hospital, where was he? When people threatened and made fun of me, where was he? Want me to take care of your urges after you left your wife and abandoned the girl you left her for? Not bloody likely. Somehow my change is the reason you are pathetic? Probably not.
Still feel bad. He left me when I needed him most but now I feel guilty. Twisted world we live in. I seriously hate being me.
Why would he expect that I was the same? Can't be both and fit into either, doesn't work that way. Thing is, he missed it completely and felt he was blindsided. My other guy friend saw me stop pretending long ago and treated me accordingly. Meh, no loss, just sad.
For those who don't know, a friend of mine tried to kill herself because she was bullied for being trans. It took months of work to keep her alive. She's doing great now, but I hate that the world is so hostile and so cruel for no reason.
I left that community on Reddit, but I know it's everywhere, and it will be that way for years if not decades.
The bullying will keep going. The discrimination will keep going. The literal murder and assault and rape will keep going. And for countless people, they actually find it funny that we're treated like shit. They encourage it for their own amusement.
I've just seen it too many times. I'm tired of the fight.
And it's going to happen again, and again, and again.
Another friend of mine is getting verbally and physically abused by her own mother. I want to give her a safe place to live but I can't. She's struggling so much. She's a brilliant musician and she's deeply compassionate; I've seen her put aside her own problems to support other people who are in pain.
Lily and I have talked about moving in to a different home with more space. We'd be able to give shelter to folks in our community who don't have a place to live in, and I've thought about adopting a teenager since older orphans seldom get adopted, but we don't have the income to pay those kinda bills; I'm disabled and Lily's still in nursing school. It'll be a while before I have the resources to give people shelter.
And COVID keeps me from connecting with people in person. There's only so much good I can do remotely.
It is going to happen again and again. I only live in peace now because no one knows even though I am not hiding, and those that do never remember. I have lived with this since I was a child, it doesn't get easier. I have scars inside you could use as a bridge for a giant truck.
It is painful dearheart. I can't take that away but I can share it.
Ugh! I feel so unclean now, like a three day shower could not get the stench off of me. Eww! Why would anyone make something like that?
That's what people write to each other.
I'm sorry for how that must make you feel.
Just don't forget, this is like using a search engine or something. Wherever the words appear, in whichever context, influences the probability of those words being connected. The phrase most written might actually have been "it's disgusting how some people try to spread hate and suggest that trans women are rapists" or something like that. Or at least every time someone uses those words in a criticizing context influences the AI choice just as much as the haters using the actual phrase.
I'm not trying to contradict your experiences or tell you that you're wrong, I absolutely believe you have unfortunately faced more than enough actual hate or rejection and seen your fair share of transphobes online and offline, I'm just trying to say it's probably not quite as representative of the majority as it might seem at first glance...
I don’t know anything about autocorrect other than it can be annoying. I know you are a fighter, trying to make it better and I know I am nothing like that. Don’t lose heart. Things have changed so much, and I know that things are not great right now but that is because someone deliberately nurtured an environment of hate for four years, but don’t lose yourself in their hate. This is not about winning or losing, it is about surviving and living as yourself. Let go. Fight where you can and let the rest go or the fight will mutate you before you ever win. Find yourself, that is the goal, that is the struggle, it is where you can achieve success. Fight against the hate and it will grind you into the ground.
Always here if you need a shoulder.
Take care
It was at a gas station. He was in his car; I was waiting at the fuel pump. I'm accustomed to people making comments about my bright pink hair, but it got super weird when the guy told me to come over to his car so he could *touch* it (no way in hell, it's a wig and I wouldn't be safe if he realized I was trans) and asked if I had a boyfriend. I've heard some guys won't leave you alone if you have a girlfriend; only if you say you have a boyfriend, but lying and saying I had a boyfriend felt weird because my girlfriend is also trans. Thankfully he left when I said I had a girlfriend.
It bugged me that I smiled and laughed when I should have told him off, but I was seriously nervous once he asked to touch my hair; I didn't feel safe and I didn't want to antagonize him. No one else was around; it was just me.
I always liked the attention my pink hair has gotten me, but it's so different when you get hit on when you're all alone. I suddenly got very cognizant of just how small I am; he was a lot bigger than me and I am pretty much defenseless. It's a reminder that, while I love looking like a little pink cupcake, it also means I look like prey.
People make a big deal out of my hair all the time and it hasn't weirded me out before, even when it was a guy. That super awkward autistic guy at the bookstore? He was just practicing his social skills; I actually enjoyed that conversation. The old man in line at the store? He just liked my coat. The guy at HEB who asked where I got my hair dyed while he was pushing around shopping carts in the parking lot? That's normal. In most cases it was flattering and that's it.
But when I'm all alone, no other witnesses, and the guy is clearly hitting on me and wants to touch me? That's different. It felt really unsafe.
When I was living as a guy, I always had the sense that I could fight back if someone tried to hurt me, even though I was small. But I've never been this physically weak in my adult life now that I'm on hormones, I have a herniated disk, and if a guy tried to hurt me, the fact that I still have my original junk doesn't make me safe. It just means that the risk is more likely to be assault or murder than sexual assault. An attacker wouldn't necessarily get scared away by the fact that I'm trans; the reaction could easily be anger instead.
And the guy probably thinks I felt flattered. Guys ain't know nervous laughter is just a defense mechanism; you do it to placate them so they don't get angry and hurt you. He's going to keep doing it, and he'll probably be shocked and confused and angry when someone finally gives him pushback for it.
What's also odd is that I didn't even have to be raised as a woman to exhibit the same reaction. No one told me as a girl to be wary of men and I have no bitter experience that would make me afraid. Feeling creeped out was instinctive; not learned.
I'm not gonna change a damn thing about how I present myself, though. I'll still wear pink hair and skirts; I like it that way. I'm not going to let someone else's behavior constrain my own.
But it's really striking just how *suddenly* I felt the creepiness and the feeling of physical danger. Being raised as a guy didn't make me feel invincible after I transitioned.
It's a weird experience.
It has to be harder when we have no experience and are thrust into it. I have no mother, my sister has only talked to me four times in the last four months, not at all in the last month and not for 15 years before. My best friend seemed in competition with me before she dropped me because her boyfriend put his arm around my waist when we were waiting to be seated at a restaurant.
50% of the planet has had a lifetime of experience with this and still don't know what to do, is it any wonder that it could come as a shock to us? There should be a school for these things, and I suppose there is for the natal women, coming at it late in life. Sorry, I can't help. It is as terrifying for me as it is for you. Then there are the occasional women, ugh! You think you are safe, well probably you are but... Went to a club one night, the waitress said like the second or third time she came to our table, You are awesome. Ooooookkkkaaaayyyy. By the end of the night every time she came to our table she would look me in the eye if she was in front of me or put her hand on my shoulder if she was behind me and say, I love you. I seriously never held out any hope of being a woman for most of my life, nothing could have prepared me for actually being one.
Worth it all but there are adjustments.
I lost a different friend today as well, and while I know they're in pain, I can't help them.
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The Winner Takes It All
Probably it is that I have never been in a relationship before, then the one I had was so very amazing. I hurt. Sometimes I can breath, curl up in a ball and hope it will end. Then I have days of numb disinterest. I can’t feel anything or anyone. I try to interact but everyone sounds like adults from a Charlie Brown special, Waa wa waa wa. I hate that I look at them completely blank. I struggled so hard in my life to connect to people in some way, being autistic it is not easy. It is all gone now. Everyone is a caricature and I just want them to go away. I have endured so much pain in my life, why couldn’t whoever makes these decisions have not just let me be happy till the end?
I lived a lifetime alone, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not without him. It is just daylight and darkness, there is nothing else. Every day, that is all it is...
Daylight and darkness.
It hurts me not having anything comforting to say, but that's what it's like with autism: I don't say things that sound hopeful if I don't actually know for sure if they will come true. I'm very bad at saying things will be alright without knowing things will be alright. I can't get those words out of my mouth, it's truly autistic of me to only say things that I believe are true. But let me say this then: I care about you, from what you write on this forum (the only thing that I know of you) and that's also because you are a caring person.
From feeling down, it's hard to care about others and I can imagine the contrast is big between the one you loved who deceased and the people still alive that are very neurotypical and hard to understand in their shallowness (or that's how I interpret your words). What is true is that I hope you also have better days. Moods are also like daylight and darkness, they come and they go and in bad times, depression makes everything look black, but in life, there's also times when light shines through, like Leonard Cohen sings: "There's a crack in everything, that's where the light comes in".
Alas it's true living in this world often boils down to learning to live with the pain, but besides pain in life, there's flowers, there's spring coming with nature coming out of it's slumber if you live in the northern hemisphere or autumn with nature seeking rest if you live in the southern hemisphere or if you wait half a year.
There's Baldur's Gate to play, there's books that try to peel at the layers that keeps the truth about things hidden, there's people on the Beamdog forum that care about you, there's people like me who don't frequent the forum that much as I have another internet home but I keep this topic subscribed. There's people here whom I care about and because here the truth comes out that the world isn't all about perfume and roses, or to put it differently, that roses have thorns, that we are vulnerable and because we are vulnerable, we are beautiful.
Wishing you sunrises after darkness,
kind regards,
Son_of_Imoen.
I um...
Seriously I hate being so smart and so stupid. I began school when I was 3. Seems great right? Yeah, not so much. It was mostly that whatever parent, or state home I was living with at the time didn't want to deal with me. Probably the worst part of being me is that I never felt any shame. Why? I am not awesome, no one has ever wanted me. That bothers me. I have always felt less than but I have never felt ashamed of who I am.
I don't know, probably it is liberating not to feel peer pressure, I could not tell you. I have never understood peer pressurr. Do the right thing, no pressure. I have really been a bitch here when I perceive that people are not doing the right thing. I know that is wrong and I apologize. I will do it again though, over and over, I appreciate everyone's forbearance. I don't want to but I will.
We live in a world where no one is who they say they are. You don't have to say anything, you are!! We all know who you are. Awesome or shitty, we take you in, assimilate you, and move on with you.
Gonna sound stupid, just...
Don't try to impress anyone. Just don't hurt anyone, everything else is just a matter of ridiculous perceptions.
...
The rest? I really don't know. I am days away from ending it or trying to figure out why I should go on. I don't want to leave here but I have an apartment, good job, I will be okay. I just don't want to do it anymore. I am tired, nothing to be afraid of, just exhausted. Three days, I will have to move on or not. Ugh! Don't think stupid, I have never figured out how to kill myself and live with how I did it. So I will still be breathing in and out next week, it is possible that I have checked out of everything else though. If so
Well, I have loved you all and this forum.
Go outside and listen to the sounds of Spring if you can. I just sat out on my deck last night and listened to the toads and frogs make their music (and a bonus thunderstorm rolled through with the awesome natural special-effects). It's very relaxing and helps me understand that my problems don't affect the rest of the world. If the world just goes on without missing a beat, maybe those problems aren't as huge as I think...
It is so weird how much I am struggling with moving. The process of moving has always been dreadful but leaving a place, no problem. I don't even own this home, my last house I owned for 15 years and it didn't bother me at all leaving. I have never had a home before, that doesn't make sense at all but it is true. My early childhood everyone kept giving me away. My grandparents should have been a home, it was for my older brother, but I was always under threat of being put into a state home, and even they got rid of me to not very nice people. After much abuse and being removed from that house by the state they took me back. Of course they would not have sent me to live with them if they had known what they were like. Then I left when I was 15, been on my own since other than an occasional roommate. This was the the only home I have ever had, and I have only lived here for 5 years. It just feels like when I leave here this weekend it is all over, the only bit of happiness I have ever know will end. Everything after Saturday is blank, no hope, no dreams, no anything. Just never-ending emptiness. Meh! Bleak, I know. Sorry.
I wish I could buy this place, but home prices have gone up so much this last year and I would have to empty my retirement funds to do so. To be honest, the house is worth less than half of what are asking for it. They will get it though.
I will be okay. I will wake up Sunday morning in a new place. Apartment unfortunately, like I said home prices are too high right now to buy. Anyway, I will move on. Just wow, it is really crushing me right now.
Thank you all for your concern. Big hug for everyone.
Michelle, you moved two days ago, how are you doing?