A friend of a friend is starting a new D&D game and I was invited (being the most senior D&D player they all know). Thankfully, I don't have to DM this one (my main draw) so I rolled up a cleric. Two issues;
1) I sent the DM my character sheet, he sent me back that I should probably remove my armour because in his game, Arcane Spell Failure is changed to Somatic Spel Failure, which means cleric have as much problems casting spells in armour as wizards. His reasoning was that he didn't like 'trench warfare', where a few characters could just stand still and take punches. Instead of resolving this with dynamic encounters and/or ambushes, his first solution was to take away the primary defense of a class that relies on touch spells and close combat, without things with Mage Armour, Protection from Missles or Stoneskin. I managed to talk him out of it but 'he remains wary and might come back on his decision if things look too static'.
2) I'm a terrible control freak and filthy optimizer, so this whine is totally my own problem, not anyone elses. But damnit people are making their characters wrong! The rogue is spending her skillpoints on Perform: Piano because she likes the instrument, foregoing Gather Information and Use Magic Device! She took the Nimble Fingers feat to play the piano better! She's using a shortbow instead of dual daggers, which will seriously negate sneak attack damage! The monk blinded himself because he likes the blind monk in movies and figures the Blind Fighting feat will make up for it, it doesn't! Monks are struggling to be useful as is and he crippled him! The ranger wants a small viper, which dies in a single hit! It's all wrong! Ahem. Of course, people should play the characters htey want to play in the way they want to play them. I'm not badgering them or anything, it's my flaw, not theirs. But the niggle in the back of my head won't go away. It's all wroooong!
In a month or so, my second university year will begin and it's going to be much harder than my first one in terms of courses, but that's relative. What I'm really afraid of is what I might do to myself this time around. Last year, due to denial of accepting that the highschool stage of life was over, I did some bad shit to myself. I would still turn back the clock 3 years if I could...
@Drugar Well, there are roleplaying options and there are stupid options. Some people will just have to find out the hard way.
-Why is my viper dying? -Because it's a freaking tiny viper.
I get the same feeling with some people when they make their characters in PnP or video games. "Well, it's an RP build so my Wizard has 12 INT and 18 CHA" *Facedesks repeatedely*
You should have made a vanilla Druid and took only Core stuff and show them how to play right. "What do you mean I cannot summon Dire Wolves in bird form from afar while my Leopard is grappling them?"
I can really get it when people make unoptimized characters, consciously, for the challenge or flavor but people that don't know what they're supposed to do with their concepts are quite irritating.
But I think that I actually want to teach people to play right. I think you should educate the other players in your group why some stuff work and others don't.
If they don't want to learn, simply shrug and let their characters (like the blind monk) die. That's the hard way to learn, through failure.
2) I'm a terrible control freak and filthy optimizer, so this whine is totally my own problem, not anyone elses. But damnit people are making their characters wrong! The rogue is spending her skillpoints on Perform: Piano because she likes the instrument, foregoing Gather Information and Use Magic Device! She took the Nimble Fingers feat to play the piano better! She's using a shortbow instead of dual daggers, which will seriously negate sneak attack damage! The monk blinded himself because he likes the blind monk in movies and figures the Blind Fighting feat will make up for it, it doesn't! Monks are struggling to be useful as is and he crippled him! The ranger wants a small viper, which dies in a single hit! It's all wrong! Ahem. Of course, people should play the characters htey want to play in the way they want to play them. I'm not badgering them or anything, it's my flaw, not theirs. But the niggle in the back of my head won't go away. It's all wroooong!
Yes, these are my problems. Feel sorry for me.
I feel your pain. Damn rogues thinking they are minstrels! If you want a bard, be a damn bard. They are pretty damn cool
After nearly two months I still can't find the job. I don't have a girlfriend. I'm talentless and my learing curve is bad. I cannot do a single thing well. I have trouble sleeping. I won't be able to fulfill my summer break plans. I am infuriated, because there's no single day in which one of my roommates doesn't bring his fucking gf, which fucking infuriates me.
@Sergio About the whole health decrease, sleep problems, problems with memory and concentration... And the fact that you often feel depressed. I don't want to jump to conclusions recklessly, but there is a real chance that you have the depression, an actual disorder. Seeing the doctor might be a good idea for starters. I hope the things will be set tright to you.
Reading this and then thinking that my current problem doesn't even come close to the ones just mentioned makes me feel bad... There's a convention coming up on the first weekend of September and I really want to go, but going to one of these alone is pretty much a way to ruin the event for a person. Got no one to go with, so I guess I'll just stay at home thinking about what could have been.
I've had a few rough spots in my short 18 years of life, even hit rock bottom once but I've never been actually clinically depressed, so I don't know how to help there. But a thing I know is doing things just to make sure. So I agree with @ZelgadisGW about going to the doctor, since even if it's not depression it could be something else and there would be no harm in checking.
Nearly one month has passed since I started my second year of college and, surprise surprise, I hate it. Not because the content goes against me or my values, but rather that I'm just so bored with the course I'm in. It's like the only reaction I get from almost all courses is: "Ok, this is boring as hell and I couldn't care less about this." And this year is going to be much harder and intense than last year. I just stay in it because I have nowhere else to go, nor do I know what I want to do in life or have a small vision of it. Whenever I try to think of something I have liked doing my whole life, all that comes to mind is videogames. Sigh....Where the f**k is my life going...
Nearly one month has passed since I started my second year of college and, surprise surprise, I hate it. Not because the content goes against me or my values, but rather that I'm just so bored with the course I'm in. It's like the only reaction I get from almost all courses is: "Ok, this is boring as hell and I couldn't care less about this." And this year is going to be much harder and intense than last year. I just stay in it because I have nowhere else to go, nor do I know what I want to do in life or have a small vision of it. Whenever I try to think of something I have liked doing my whole life, all that comes to mind is videogames. Sigh....Where the f**k is my life going...
University was the most miserable 4 years of my life.
Well, saying that unviersity was the most miserable 4 years of your life isn't going to help anyone with anything.
@InvictusCobra I would like to give you some advice, but I cannot do much, I don't know what have you been doing in your life, or anything like that. I can say only two things: first of all, believe that you can find something worth doing in your life. Second, keep searching for it. Out of your comfort zone!
You are in the second year. It is not too late still, to find something you truly love.
Videogames are a passion and nothing more
Yeah, but I always wished I could do something fulfilling with that passion. This summer I considered Youtubing, but I'm missing the kinda expensive hardware for it and these days, getting popular on YT is like trying to win the lottery almost.
@InvictusCobra Why don't you take other, optional courses to see what you like? That's how I came to study biomedical engineering even though I started in electrical engineering.
Yeah, but as every complex human being, I doubt that you've got only one passion. You have many.
Well, I mostly like videogames, anime and reading Visual Novels. I've tried getting into actual literature, drawing, theater and playing an instrument (piano). Though the last two were a bit forced on me, I was still able to discover that they're not my cup of tea and honestly, that's how I've been starting to feel about almost everything in the world these past two years. I just can't imagine me in the future. I have certain desires for it, but most are just that: desires and dreams that I don't see myself being able to fulfill them...
@InvictusCobra Why don't you take other, optional courses to see what you like? That's how I came to study biomedical engineering even though I started in electrical engineering.
I dunno if I would, whether it being due to lack of interest and as I've said, this year will be more time consuming (much more) than my first year and finding time to even have fun is hard now (and this is only the beginning...). Though I'm noticing I'm working much less than last year, and I'm not sure if I'm lazy, unmotivated or both.
@InvictusCobra Was it really "not your cup of tea" meaning you were not interested, or it was just hard and you get dsicouraged? Because everything new you start might seems hard and discouraging.
Anyway, keep searching. Keep doing something. You're the master of your life.
@InvictusCobra Was it really "not your cup of tea" meaning you were not interested, or it was just hard and you get dsicouraged? Because everything new you start might seems hard and discouraging.
Anyway, keep searching. Keep doing something. You're the master of your life.
Really not my cup of tea. I did theater for nearly 3 years and played the piano from the 1st to the 6th grade. While they were hard, I had other friends there so it wasn't that bad in that aspect. But I was never motivated while I did it. That's what I mean by cup of tea.
@Shandyr Don't apologize. This topic is for venting, after all. I'm neither a psychologist nor a coach (yet), so I won't say much. Only that:
1. Everything. I repeat, EVERYTHING begins with your attitue. Including how you think what is important in your life.
2. No one is forcing you to work with your current boss for the lifetime. You can change your job, if you have means and resources. Don't have these? Get them, then. Do something. Being passive is not going to change anything.
3. If your physical figure is giving you grief, ask yourself why. You don't have to change anything if it comes just from other people. What they say about your body is nothing more than opinion. Opinions aren't defining yourself. You are the one who does that.
4. You can change things in your life. That won't be easy, but it will be worth it. There is no sense in feeling angst throught majoriy of your lifetime.
For one thing, I can relate thought. Germans seems to be as antagonistic to themselves as Poles are.
A friend of mine died this week, very unexpectedly. He was my first editor at Dragon Magazine and was an unfailingly kind and generous man. He wrangled me an invite to game with the Paizo crew when I first moved to Seattle and we always had a fantastic time gaming together. I'm really sad that he's gone.
A strange week, or month, of joy and grief close together. Last week a colleague of mine died, there will be a remembrance meeting tomorrow, but we aren't welcome at the real funeral. The family has chosen a closed funeral. At the same time, it's the Week of Psychiatry and we had a very good meeting with some 40 visitors, whom we offered a lunch, two speakers, workshops and I was very proud of helping to organise it.
Another death was two weeks ago, death is sad, but the mental handicaps and physical diseases of the uncle who died put so much strain on my parents (especially as he thought there's nothing wrong with him mentally and everything that went wrong in his life was blamed on others and he couldn't let old griefs lie, he was constantly complaining about some doctor who years ago applied the wrong cure to a physical illness of his, or so he believed). He's dead, my father lost a brother, that's sad, but life is so much easier now on my parents without constants calls to do this, do that and help out.
Life is strange. I'm glad there's games like Baldur's Gate to forget about this strange game called Real Life on a regular basis.
Tired and depressed, was waiting for a security scan to finish, after an infection was found (unwanted toolbar in my internet cache) and it took till 2 o'clock at night. What's worse, I suspect Java to be the culprit as it tries to install the Ask toolbar with it's installation program. I update Java to be more secure, but instead it tries to spread malware. Now my computer is clean but I'm tired from lack of sleep. And just as usual, I just hate life. I'm vulnerable to depression and Weltschmerz daily, but when I'm tired, it's even worse.
Well, first thing to do would be to take my medication. It's the first thing my father asks me if I'm complaining about a depressive mood 'have you already taken your medication?'.
Well. This topic sure suits me. This is going to be personal, the most personal thing I have written on any forum on the net.
A few days ago, I have found I am hiv+. the last few days have been a nightmare, from which I was not able to wake up.
To my shame, I have dated a total douchebag last year, and I was such a fool that I had thought he loved me:he was trying to coerce money from me so I have finished the relationship. He had come to my workplace and threatened me countless times, even pyschially. I thought I had gotten rid of him. Well, it seems he has given me a parting gift.
Now, for the last 4 months, I have been feeling perfectly healthy and happy with a caring, nurturing boyfriend. I have never felt so happy for such a long time. But now this...
My tests and cd4 count, which show how much the virus has damaged me, seem not bad. And I think I am going to start treatment soon. They say with good treatment and control, this can be a chronic illness, rather than a death sentence it used to be. I don't know. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel the embarassment and shame if others find out about my condition. Yet I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep it in. I wish I had some sort of cancer, a malign tumor, instead of this. In that case I could have shouted for help, for support, for friends and loved ones.
The first night after I found out, I was alone at home, I couldn't sleep, my heart was pounding so fast in my chest, I could hear it. Then I fell uncouncious from exhaustion. I woke up a few hours later, in my sleep-stupor, I failed to remember my condition for a few seconds. For a few precious seconds, I was at peace. Then it came back to me. The horror, the shame. I understood my life would never be the same again.
I told my boyfriend of four months. We have never had full-sex, he was the type of relationship I have looked forever, nothing carnal, or overly sexual, just warmth, happiness and love. He said this did not change anything. He said he would still be with me and hold my hand and that would make him happy. I could not believe him. I cried. I haven't cried before. At last, I cried. The feeling I have felt was...I can't describe it. It seems I have really found the one, the perfect lover, the one who has eluded me for years, and I was a little too late, and tainted with a deadly disease. How unfair and cruel this world was. And yet, how loving, perfect and graceful he was!
He kept supporting me and trying to cheer me up for the last few days. And that's one of the reasons I have not totally collapsed or fallen into pieces in these days. I wanted to talk about nothing but this disease, and he kept changing the subject, and making me busy and happy with the mundane things. Oh how perfect the mundane and normal things were!
Secondly, I told my father. I needed him like I never had before. My father has always supported and cared for me, but I have always felt estranged and tried to stay away from him once I have left home to earn my living. I have always thought he would have hated me if he found out I was gay. Well, I only told him about my disease, and he was with me in the afternoon, he has travelled across a good distance from my hometown to be with me, to support me. 'We will do everything possible.' He said. I couldn't believe how foolish I was. He was one of the best fathers in the world and I have avoided him for the last few years. We are going to visit the doctor together this tuesday to talk about starting my treatment.
I still feel scared. Very scared. The things that used to trouble me, the tiny things I have bothered myself with, they all lost their meaning. Once you start to think about how many more years you can live, you gain another perspective. I am thankful for everything good in my life. We have thought about moving in together and maybe adopting a pet dog with my boyfriend. I wish to do that. We have dreamed about touring the world together, to visit Italy, France...I wish to do all of that. I hope to do all that and more. I want to live.
Well, it might seem strange to 'like' your post as of course, the disease is dreadful, but this very bad thing brought some good things with it I'm glad you shared with us: the love and support of your boyfriend, of your father, of finding acceptance with your father you thought you wouldn't find, the desire to live and see so much of the world. If ever you would find yourself feeling sick because of the infection and are forced to stay at home, you should see the movie 'The Bucket List'. Thanks for sharing @lunar.
@lunar I totally agree with @Son_of_Imoen. All I can say is good luck with your treatment and give yourself a chance to be happy with someone who actually cares about you.
Thank you @Son_of_Imoen and @mlnevese I appreciate your support. I need to go to work now and act like nothing has changed. This is the worst part. I can't stop working. I can't let anybody at work to know the awful truth. This is going to be difficult. Tomorrow we will visit the specialist dr with my father. I just hope she would tell some good things.
I am once again contemplating my autistic condition. Reflecting on all the times people have misunderstood me. Pondering my future in a world full of judgmental people. I feel depressed and alone, yet at the same time I am glad that I am who I am and what I am.
Comments
A friend of a friend is starting a new D&D game and I was invited (being the most senior D&D player they all know). Thankfully, I don't have to DM this one (my main draw) so I rolled up a cleric.
Two issues;
1) I sent the DM my character sheet, he sent me back that I should probably remove my armour because in his game, Arcane Spell Failure is changed to Somatic Spel Failure, which means cleric have as much problems casting spells in armour as wizards. His reasoning was that he didn't like 'trench warfare', where a few characters could just stand still and take punches. Instead of resolving this with dynamic encounters and/or ambushes, his first solution was to take away the primary defense of a class that relies on touch spells and close combat, without things with Mage Armour, Protection from Missles or Stoneskin.
I managed to talk him out of it but 'he remains wary and might come back on his decision if things look too static'.
2) I'm a terrible control freak and filthy optimizer, so this whine is totally my own problem, not anyone elses.
But damnit people are making their characters wrong! The rogue is spending her skillpoints on Perform: Piano because she likes the instrument, foregoing Gather Information and Use Magic Device! She took the Nimble Fingers feat to play the piano better! She's using a shortbow instead of dual daggers, which will seriously negate sneak attack damage! The monk blinded himself because he likes the blind monk in movies and figures the Blind Fighting feat will make up for it, it doesn't! Monks are struggling to be useful as is and he crippled him! The ranger wants a small viper, which dies in a single hit!
It's all wrong!
Ahem.
Of course, people should play the characters htey want to play in the way they want to play them. I'm not badgering them or anything, it's my flaw, not theirs. But the niggle in the back of my head won't go away. It's all wroooong!
Yes, these are my problems. Feel sorry for me.
-Why is my viper dying?
-Because it's a freaking tiny viper.
I get the same feeling with some people when they make their characters in PnP or video games.
"Well, it's an RP build so my Wizard has 12 INT and 18 CHA" *Facedesks repeatedely*
You should have made a vanilla Druid and took only Core stuff and show them how to play right.
"What do you mean I cannot summon Dire Wolves in bird form from afar while my Leopard is grappling them?"
I can really get it when people make unoptimized characters, consciously, for the challenge or flavor but people that don't know what they're supposed to do with their concepts are quite irritating.
But I think that I actually want to teach people to play right. I think you should educate the other players in your group why some stuff work and others don't.
If they don't want to learn, simply shrug and let their characters (like the blind monk) die. That's the hard way to learn, through failure.
In short, fuck my worthless life.
About the whole health decrease, sleep problems, problems with memory and concentration... And the fact that you often feel depressed. I don't want to jump to conclusions recklessly, but there is a real chance that you have the depression, an actual disorder. Seeing the doctor might be a good idea for starters. I hope the things will be set tright to you.
There's a convention coming up on the first weekend of September and I really want to go, but going to one of these alone is pretty much a way to ruin the event for a person. Got no one to go with, so I guess I'll just stay at home thinking about what could have been.
@Sergio
I've had a few rough spots in my short 18 years of life, even hit rock bottom once but I've never been actually clinically depressed, so I don't know how to help there. But a thing I know is doing things just to make sure. So I agree with @ZelgadisGW about going to the doctor, since even if it's not depression it could be something else and there would be no harm in checking.
@InvictusCobra I would like to give you some advice, but I cannot do much, I don't know what have you been doing in your life, or anything like that. I can say only two things: first of all, believe that you can find something worth doing in your life. Second, keep searching for it. Out of your comfort zone!
I dunno if I would, whether it being due to lack of interest and as I've said, this year will be more time consuming (much more) than my first year and finding time to even have fun is hard now (and this is only the beginning...). Though I'm noticing I'm working much less than last year, and I'm not sure if I'm lazy, unmotivated or both.
Was it really "not your cup of tea" meaning you were not interested, or it was just hard and you get dsicouraged? Because everything new you start might seems hard and discouraging.
Anyway, keep searching. Keep doing something. You're the master of your life.
Don't apologize. This topic is for venting, after all. I'm neither a psychologist nor a coach (yet), so I won't say much. Only that:
1. Everything. I repeat, EVERYTHING begins with your attitue. Including how you think what is important in your life.
2. No one is forcing you to work with your current boss for the lifetime. You can change your job, if you have means and resources. Don't have these? Get them, then. Do something. Being passive is not going to change anything.
3. If your physical figure is giving you grief, ask yourself why. You don't have to change anything if it comes just from other people. What they say about your body is nothing more than opinion. Opinions aren't defining yourself. You are the one who does that.
4. You can change things in your life. That won't be easy, but it will be worth it. There is no sense in feeling angst throught majoriy of your lifetime.
For one thing, I can relate thought. Germans seems to be as antagonistic to themselves as Poles are.
Mike McArtor
Another death was two weeks ago, death is sad, but the mental handicaps and physical diseases of the uncle who died put so much strain on my parents (especially as he thought there's nothing wrong with him mentally and everything that went wrong in his life was blamed on others and he couldn't let old griefs lie, he was constantly complaining about some doctor who years ago applied the wrong cure to a physical illness of his, or so he believed). He's dead, my father lost a brother, that's sad, but life is so much easier now on my parents without constants calls to do this, do that and help out.
Life is strange. I'm glad there's games like Baldur's Gate to forget about this strange game called Real Life on a regular basis.
Well, first thing to do would be to take my medication. It's the first thing my father asks me if I'm complaining about a depressive mood 'have you already taken your medication?'.
A few days ago, I have found I am hiv+. the last few days have been a nightmare, from which I was not able to wake up.
To my shame, I have dated a total douchebag last year, and I was such a fool that I had thought he loved me:he was trying to coerce money from me so I have finished the relationship. He had come to my workplace and threatened me countless times, even pyschially. I thought I had gotten rid of him. Well, it seems he has given me a parting gift.
Now, for the last 4 months, I have been feeling perfectly healthy and happy with a caring, nurturing boyfriend. I have never felt so happy for such a long time. But now this...
My tests and cd4 count, which show how much the virus has damaged me, seem not bad. And I think I am going to start treatment soon. They say with good treatment and control, this can be a chronic illness, rather than a death sentence it used to be. I don't know. I don't want to die. I don't want to feel the embarassment and shame if others find out about my condition. Yet I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep it in. I wish I had some sort of cancer, a malign tumor, instead of this. In that case I could have shouted for help, for support, for friends and loved ones.
The first night after I found out, I was alone at home, I couldn't sleep, my heart was pounding so fast in my chest, I could hear it. Then I fell uncouncious from exhaustion. I woke up a few hours later, in my sleep-stupor, I failed to remember my condition for a few seconds. For a few precious seconds, I was at peace. Then it came back to me. The horror, the shame. I understood my life would never be the same again.
I told my boyfriend of four months. We have never had full-sex, he was the type of relationship I have looked forever, nothing carnal, or overly sexual, just warmth, happiness and love. He said this did not change anything. He said he would still be with me and hold my hand and that would make him happy. I could not believe him. I cried. I haven't cried before. At last, I cried. The feeling I have felt was...I can't describe it. It seems I have really found the one, the perfect lover, the one who has eluded me for years, and I was a little too late, and tainted with a deadly disease. How unfair and cruel this world was. And yet, how loving, perfect and graceful he was!
He kept supporting me and trying to cheer me up for the last few days. And that's one of the reasons I have not totally collapsed or fallen into pieces in these days. I wanted to talk about nothing but this disease, and he kept changing the subject, and making me busy and happy with the mundane things. Oh how perfect the mundane and normal things were!
Secondly, I told my father. I needed him like I never had before. My father has always supported and cared for me, but I have always felt estranged and tried to stay away from him once I have left home to earn my living. I have always thought he would have hated me if he found out I was gay. Well, I only told him about my disease, and he was with me in the afternoon, he has travelled across a good distance from my hometown to be with me, to support me. 'We will do everything possible.' He said. I couldn't believe how foolish I was. He was one of the best fathers in the world and I have avoided him for the last few years. We are going to visit the doctor together this tuesday to talk about starting my treatment.
I still feel scared. Very scared. The things that used to trouble me, the tiny things I have bothered myself with, they all lost their meaning. Once you start to think about how many more years you can live, you gain another perspective. I am thankful for everything good in my life. We have thought about moving in together and maybe adopting a pet dog with my boyfriend. I wish to do that. We have dreamed about touring the world together, to visit Italy, France...I wish to do all of that. I hope to do all that and more. I want to live.