@DragonKing , I'm very sorry to read that this happened to you. Sometimes I feel the same way about the "life sucks" thing. "Life's a b*tch, and then you die.".
No matter how despondent and depressed I get though, life always seems to come back around to being nice again, if I just hang in there long enough.
A thumbs up to @Shandyr and @DragonKing. I'm not very good at feedback or comforting words, autistic spectrum disorder does that I guess, but well, I just want to know I care about you.
I mean... I haven't got started, just two three days ago; some idiot tried to tackle and fight me on the street. Literally ran up behind me and tried to scoop me up and throw me on the pavement. Unfortunately for him I'm the youngest with 2 older brothers, if he wanted to get me on the ground, he was going ton have to try harder than that. The guy was crying, "why did you sleep with my mom." So the idiot first tried to assaultes the wrong guy and secondly I was already in a less than desirable mood from the above. Part of me just wanted to attack, but I talked the guy down so how just walked way.
I was kinda hoping he would swing so I could have a full self defense claim after getting violent. Plus I had a witness on the other side of the street who saw rhw whole thing from the beginning.
Then yesterday, my mom passed out at work and had got taken to the hospital by her own patient. She is a home care nurse... yea... really regretting just giving up that chance to release so stress from before.
Sometimes it seems like bad things just keep happening and piling up one after the other. The sun has to come back out eventually, though, to continue the metaphor.
"The sun will come out...tomorrow! 'Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow... there'll be sun! Just, thinkin' about, tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow..."
The tutorial sessions should be held by a PHD student alone. It's only fair for the other students who want to learn something that they get one of the best tutors they can.
I distinguish between three things a tutor must be able to do in these particular tutorial sessions: 1.) Understanding the theory 2.) Knowing how to apply the theory in practice. In this context here it means knowing how to program the applied theory. 3.) Teach the students how to apply theory in practice.
The PHD tutor excels at all three of them.
But while I do understand the theory (I DID get an "A" after all on this lecture last year, but the oral exam was about the theory alone) - applying the theory in practice proves already to be a challenge for me.
And the last point seems just impossible to me.
@Shandyr Really, you should just view it as on the job training. She likely put you there for you yourself to learn from the PhD as well. Not only the material, but methods of explaining it. People tend to grow into their jobs.
I bet your supervisor expected there to be growing pains, and accounted for them. No one is ready for a skill occupation when they first get them. However, they usually are ready to do at least a passable job after a few weeks or a couple months.
I think you really should just accept the struggles instead of being ashamed of them. How do you think the PhD student felt when he was working on his Bachelor's degree? Probably the same as you.
If anything, you should ask the PhD student for advice, and inform him of what you are afraid of. If he is a decent guy he'd understand and try to make it easier for you, give you pointers and involve you gradually in things he knows you understand.
@Shandyr - I've been a tutor a couple times, and I've found that it's usually disadvantageous to come from a higher level. You've learned so many tricks, shortcuts and procedures that you aren't really able to understand why someone doesn't get something, or even recognize that you're losing them.
With that in mind, if you can't out knowledge someone from a higher level you should make for pretty decent backup. If you see your role as support, rather than tank, your anxiety may go down a notch.
@Shandyr: We tend to be our own worst critics. I'm not the least bit surprised at what your boss said. People often think very highly of you--we just don't always say it.
I appreciate that you are a pain in the rear end @shandyr . Fancy getting me hooked on Fairytail, when there is a BG 2.0 public beta to be looked at? Do you want me to die due to lack of sleep? Do you? ...
Hang on. I take it back. Already dead, don't need sleep .
My 16-year-old cat is very ill and not very likely to recover. She has liver problems and has undergone a gallbladder surgery. She is one of the few things in life I love more than BG2, and I fear I'm about to lose her.
@Nihilus , I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. I hope she recovers and gets well. I know well the crushing grief that comes from losing a cat. Let us know what happens.
It's hard to find words that can help. I experienced the same when my own cat died 4 years ago. It was a very bad momentl very - very sorrow weeks and even months. Just try to remember your cat while she wasn't ill, remember all those years from the time she was a kitten.
After 4 years I managed to get a new kitten. Maybe one day you'll be able to do it too.
@Nihilus You have my sympathy. Pet dying might seem like a small deal for many people, but from my own experience, I know it feels like losing a loving family member.
But I intended to wrote here for other reasons originally. It just happens that my quarter-life crisis punched me in nuts lately. I feel empty inside, like there is something missing. Or like there is something wrong with me (which likely is). I feel like there is nothing but obstacles on my way, and nothing to cling to for help. And I think I just used my last resources of optimism and energy and now I feel hopeless.
So... I'm pretty sure that I just royally fucked myself for astronomy... I don't know why, but I kind of have these, I guess panic attacks, almost every time I step on elevator. I feel like it gets harder to breath, my heart pounds harder and I have to fight off the urge to start beating at the door. I get this way to a lesser extent when the trains just so happen to stop moving... IN THE FREAKING TUNNELS and no matter which side I look, I see a brick wall.
So just a few hours ago, I had to step onto a elevator, go up 9 flights of stares to the twelfth floor just get to observatory and I couldn't even step onto the elevator, and these things were freaking small! I just looked at one and started taking deep breath, and eventually I just turned and walked away. All the freaking stairwells were locked and everywhere I asked for the stairs just got me the same freaking answer.
I just want to point out that this whole semester, I have a class on the second floor of one building, a class on the fourth floor, another class on the fourth floor, and another class on the second floor. Followed by one out of class studio on the fifth flour, and another out of class studio on what is basically the 20TH FLOOR!
I literally walk up and down 20 flights of stairs, just because I don't feel comfortable on elevators!
@O_Bruce Have just seen your post and now I understad what you meant when you said you got less attention than Quartz. It's just a forum traffic, nothing major.
I can say that you should just let it go. You'll see in 2 months that something is changing. You just need time, and you will start feeling better again. Obstacles come and go, they make you stronger. Just relax, try to do something pleasant. Maybe start going to the gym, or swimming. Try not to think about crisis.
@DragonKing
That sounds like phobia for me, but I am not diagnostician. But good things about phobias is that they can be cured, at least most of the times.
@bengoshi
Nah, even in real life people can easily forget that I exist. It's the truth, as sad as it is.
About your advice, it is good and I thank you for that. But I am afraid that I cannot afford myself buying carnet for gym - I will be kinda short on money this day and I am terrible at money management. I need to learn how to save.
Comments
No matter how despondent and depressed I get though, life always seems to come back around to being nice again, if I just hang in there long enough.
hey, at least its only 4 days to my b day right?
Greetings, SoI
I was kinda hoping he would swing so I could have a full self defense claim after getting violent. Plus I had a witness on the other side of the street who saw rhw whole thing from the beginning.
Then yesterday, my mom passed out at work and had got taken to the hospital by her own patient. She is a home care nurse... yea... really regretting just giving up that chance to release so stress from before.
Thanks.
Sometimes it seems like bad things just keep happening and piling up one after the other. The sun has to come back out eventually, though, to continue the metaphor.
"The sun will come out...tomorrow! 'Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow... there'll be sun! Just, thinkin' about, tomorrow, clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow..."
I bet your supervisor expected there to be growing pains, and accounted for them. No one is ready for a skill occupation when they first get them. However, they usually are ready to do at least a passable job after a few weeks or a couple months.
I think you really should just accept the struggles instead of being ashamed of them. How do you think the PhD student felt when he was working on his Bachelor's degree? Probably the same as you.
If anything, you should ask the PhD student for advice, and inform him of what you are afraid of. If he is a decent guy he'd understand and try to make it easier for you, give you pointers and involve you gradually in things he knows you understand.
With that in mind, if you can't out knowledge someone from a higher level you should make for pretty decent backup. If you see your role as support, rather than tank, your anxiety may go down a notch.
...
Hang on. I take it back. Already dead, don't need sleep .
Your an awesome guy @Shandyr .
Well, let's not push the boat out... Your alright... Okay... ish... Just about...
It's hard to find words that can help. I experienced the same when my own cat died 4 years ago. It was a very bad momentl very - very sorrow weeks and even months. Just try to remember your cat while she wasn't ill, remember all those years from the time she was a kitten.
After 4 years I managed to get a new kitten. Maybe one day you'll be able to do it too.
You have my sympathy. Pet dying might seem like a small deal for many people, but from my own experience, I know it feels like losing a loving family member.
But I intended to wrote here for other reasons originally. It just happens that my quarter-life crisis punched me in nuts lately. I feel empty inside, like there is something missing. Or like there is something wrong with me (which likely is). I feel like there is nothing but obstacles on my way, and nothing to cling to for help. And I think I just used my last resources of optimism and energy and now I feel hopeless.
So just a few hours ago, I had to step onto a elevator, go up 9 flights of stares to the twelfth floor just get to observatory and I couldn't even step onto the elevator, and these things were freaking small! I just looked at one and started taking deep breath, and eventually I just turned and walked away. All the freaking stairwells were locked and everywhere I asked for the stairs just got me the same freaking answer.
I just want to point out that this whole semester, I have a class on the second floor of one building, a class on the fourth floor, another class on the fourth floor, and another class on the second floor. Followed by one out of class studio on the fifth flour, and another out of class studio on what is basically the 20TH FLOOR!
I literally walk up and down 20 flights of stairs, just because I don't feel comfortable on elevators!
I can say that you should just let it go. You'll see in 2 months that something is changing. You just need time, and you will start feeling better again. Obstacles come and go, they make you stronger. Just relax, try to do something pleasant. Maybe start going to the gym, or swimming. Try not to think about crisis.
That sounds like phobia for me, but I am not diagnostician. But good things about phobias is that they can be cured, at least most of the times.
@bengoshi
Nah, even in real life people can easily forget that I exist. It's the truth, as sad as it is.
About your advice, it is good and I thank you for that. But I am afraid that I cannot afford myself buying carnet for gym - I will be kinda short on money this day and I am terrible at money management. I need to learn how to save.